Sex Tie Breaker?

The beginning of the end starts in Thailand. Sean: “These are my last three girls… sex tie breaker?”

Sean lounges around—literally, in a wifebeater in a hammock—while he recaps his journey with each of the women. Blah, blah, blah. This is when I started drinking! And then it happened—Bachelor Nation Speaks Out via Twitter. One of the first tweets said “Jennifer Lawrence loves The Bachelor“, making Chris Harrison poop more than rainbows.

Sean goes for a swim… to clear his head. I don’t know why he didn’t just spank it. His first date is with Lindsay, and they go to the market. One tweeter says her dad is addicted to the show. Now in my viewing party, almost all the girls chimed in that their dads watch it, too. See future husbands of American women what you have to look forward to in your older age!

Sean and Lindsay sample various foods. Upon watching the season, Lindsay will say: “Why didn’t Sean buy ME an eternity bracelet?” Apparently, Lindsay said she wouldn’t eat bugs, so in true Survivor-fashion, they eat ‘em.  Lindsay looks like she can’t get enough water through her straw. At least her torch won’t be snuffed tonight!

Sean attributes Lindsay to a “high school sweetheart”. Little does he know she’s still in high school. Their date continues on a beach with monkeys.  Lindsay throws someone’s intestines grapes at ‘em. They proceed to make out for the monkeys. Monkey see, monkey do it—monkey-style!

The date concludes with dinner and a show. Sean asks Lindsay if she’d move to Dallas, and she says yes. But why do the women have to move? Just because he has his own show, they have to pick up and relocate? How pre-feminist movement, Sean!

All of a sudden, dancers emerge with crazy long (fake) fingernails. These chicks are bendy. No wonder men love Asians! Apparently, this put Sean in the mood because he busts out the Fantasy Suite card, and Lindsay doesn’t hesitate. Not sure what they’re going to do, but one tweeter might have it right: “Have praying and fantasy suite ever been used in the same sentence?”

I had to explain the Fantasy Suite to my Bachelor Virgin friend—no, not Sean Lowe! It’s where the Bachelor/ette takes each of his/her final three to talk, make out and seductively clothes the door or draw the shades just as things are getting good. Unless you’re Viena Girardi who throws on lingerie and gets the party started while the cameras are still there!

Lindsay chokes (on a bug?) while trying to tell Sean how she feels about him, but then she catches her second wind and purrs “I love you”. Sean loves hearing her saying that, even though she’s only said it one time.

The next day, AssLee is ready to spend the day with “the love of her life” on a boat. She says she’s like “a schoolgirl in love”. What are with these references? Does Sean have a fetish?

Their destination is the Emerald Cave, and they have to swim through it to get to their private beach. AssLee is scared and wants to ensure they have a “floaty-thing”. Uhhh, I think you’ll be fine—you have two! AssLee brings up her fear of abandonment as if Sean were going to leave her stranded in this cave.

Another tweet says the producers love getting Sean wet this season, but I think their real objective was to get their demographic—ladies age 18-34—wet this season. The camera cuts to a sign written in Thai (presumably)—beware the cave! But in they go! Haven’t you people seen The Descent?! I swore I saw a person in there with them. Or maybe it was just a cameraman creepin’!

AssLee talks about letting go or else “you won’t fall in love”, but if it were me in that cave, I wouldn’t let go of anything! Then they see “the light at the end of the tunnel”! Could it be the end of your relationship? Or is that too much foreshadowing?

Once they emerge, my first thought is “sex on the beach”. Again, if it were me, I’d tell the cameramen to take a hike because that’s once in a lifetime, for sure. Just don’t forget to put a towel or two down.

AssLee says she’s ready to say yes to Sean’s proposal and she doesn’t think there are two more human beings more right for each other. Hmm, I could think of two…

Another dinner date on the beach with these two makes me worry there will be more vocal expressions of affection in the form of screaming. Sean tells her that if he gets down on one knee, it means he will spend the rest of his life with you. Can we hold you to that, Sean?

During this portion of their date, my group of lady-friends was trying to figure out what AssLee’s necklace said. Asshat? Eggnest? Note: Possessionista.com says it’s “gypset” which refers to the “boho, casual California lifestyle.” Ok….

Sean has other things on his mind as he hands AssLee the Fantasy Suite card. He wants her to know what his intentions are—dry-humping like rabbits—without any distractions—all night! AssLee is down with that, but she doesn’t want to cross any boundaries, i.e. no heavy petting. {sad face} Does that mean he’ll have to get her off with a flower like in 40 Days and 40 Nights?

AssLee says she’s going to follow her heart and her heart is telling her she wants to spend time alone with Sean. Suuuuuuure, your heart’s telling you that! Pffft! Then, she drops this gem: “I like a cushion ring with diamonds all the way around on the band, and I think my ring size is 6.5… I definitely know what I want… and that’s more screen time.”

Sean’s third and final date takes him and Catherine on a jug boat, where Catherine plays “queen” of the world. Leo would be proud! Sean loves her weirdness.

Their dialogue continues, and it’s all “I’m a commitment-phobe”, “I haven’t been this vulnerable”, “I get scared”.  Then they backflip into the water, and Sean grabs her ass. My friends and I have determined he’s an ass-man as he’s grabbed a lot of booty in this episode. They get back on the boat and make out in the rain. Catherine says “I’m, like, in the clouds right now” as lightning strikes.

The date progresses to dinner where they enjoy Mai Tais, or as I like to call them “Thai Tais”. Sean asks her what their lives would look like in five years, and Catherine says “I wouldn’t be surprised if a kid was involved.” What are you going to kidnap one? Or are you talking about the annoying neighbor kid who always shows up on your doorstep?

In this midst of this conversation, a tweet pops up that says “Sean wonders if Catherine can settle down and start a family. Her mouth says yes. Her nose piercing says, ‘I’m outta here.’” She is the weirdest person, which makes all this “traditional” talk confusing. What about a nose ring is traditional?

At this time, it’s time to discuss the Fantasy Suite. “Before I even came… in my panties… I was thinking about the Fantasy Suite. There’s no way I would do that. I wouldn’t let myself do that. I wanted to make sure that I was still seen as a lady… not like the whore writing this post.”

Sean: “I love hearing you say that… [I just want] uninterrupted hours of finger-dipping and nob-noshing… just you and me.” Catherine accepts. The two of them depart for the room and their boring night of patty-cake. Catherine confesses she never thought a boy like Sean would like a girl like her. Honey, we already went over this. He has a thing for Asians. Nail-cam reveals her accent nail.

Meanwhile, Catherine tells Sean that she’d been made fun of a lot in her life, like “You’re chubby or you eat too much.” Soooo girls like me have a shot with a hunky, beefy guy like Sean? Sean: “You’re are smokin’ hot. I’m the lucky one.” Aww, so sweet! Now take off your shirt!

Catherine: “Sean has continually made me comfortable and feel safe to be completely myself and exploring anything with him… like our sexuality. When I look in Sean’s eyes, something visceral happens… in my loins.”

Then something really strange happened! They went back to the mansion in L.A. where Chris Harrison appeared to have something important to tell us. Nope! He duped us with a sneak peek of Oz: The Great and Powerful. Sneaky, sneaky, Mr. Harrison!

The next day, a half-naked Sean says he knows who he has to send home and he is dreading it. Before he drops the guillotine, he sits down with Dr. Chris, who reminds him that this was the week Sean went home on Emily’s season. Chris asks Sean if he can see his wife there, and when Sean says yes, Chris looks like he’s been blown away by the most confounding idea. That or maybe he actually believes the hype that Sean’s proposal will make it to the altar.

Sean: “It’s mind-blowing to even think about this… I actually get to have sex again.”

Chris leaves Sean with the very personal video messages, and as one tweeter says, “time for Sean to consult the pictures.” As the first message rolls, another tweeter says “I’m waiting for Sean to be all like, ‘We’re in Thailand so Phuket, ROSES FOR EVERYONE.’”

Lindsay, in her baby-talk voice, says “I met you in a wedding dress, and maybe soon I’ll be wearing one again for you.” From baby talk to baby doll, Catherine calls Sean a “mega-hunk” and says he gives her “the wiggles”. That sounds racist. Lastly, AssLee starts talking about her wall and her obsession with Sean, and then the tears start flowing.  I can’t believe no one edited this out. They can edit Arie’s flubs last season, but not her emotional breakdown. As this last video finishes, Sean’s thinking, “Oh great, I have to send the basket case home after that.”

Sean equates the rain to AssLee’s tears. I find it funny how he and she are wearing the same color—burgundy. The only difference is AssLee’s chesticles are boldly on display. It even looks like she cut a slit in her dress to reveal more cleavage.

Before he hands out the roses, Lindsay says Fuck, Shit, or Cunt. It had to be one of those! No worries, though, because she got the first rose. From there, it became the longest rose ceremony ever. Sean stood their holding the final rose for what seemed like forever.

Cut to Catherine: “Is it me? Pick me. Is it me? I don’t know.”

Cut to AssLee: “It has to be me. I’m praying to Jesus. I don’t know. Is it me?”

Sean picks up the rose. Both women are like “Pick me, pick me, pick me…”

Cut to Sean: “Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God…”

Cut to Catherine: “Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God…”

Cut to rose: “Oh God, just pick one already!”

Cut to AssLee: “It better be me, it better be me, it better be me…”

Cut to Sean: “I guess I should say something, but nothing’s happening…”

Cut to Catherine: “It’s not me, it’s not me, it’s not me. Why didn’t I blow him?”

Sean: “And now I bow my head in prayer and hope to God she doesn’t cut off my manhood!”

And the final rose goes to Catherine, leaving AssLee glaring at Sean. They walk out, while the other women are confused that she didn’t say goodbye.  Lindsay: “She’s pissed.” Well, in that moment, I can’t imagine you care about the future wife of the man who just broke up with you.

AssLee tells Sean to “just stay here.” He wants to explain himself, and she hears him out with the look that sank a thousand ships. Stone-cold bitch!  She hops in the car, seemingly unfazed. As the car drives away, I’m thinking, really, you can cry through every episode but then you can’t shed a tear when he dumps your ass. My sister said that’s because she’s a happy crier, but eventually the tears came and she shied away from the camera.

AssLee: “It’s hard saying goodbye to Sean because I let him in…to my vagina.” Ok, ok, ok… maybe not there, but he certainly couldn’t handle all of her emotion, so he sent her somewhere she could deal with them—The Women Tell All. See you next week for what is sure to be a Tierrable talkathon.

The Oscars love your boobs

I’m no Joan Rivers, but I think I can be a little smart and snarky. If only I had my own show! Here’s how it works: I break down the best and worst dressed celebrities on the Oscar’s red carpet with pics, compliments of People.com. I’ve created some of my own unique categories to including Most Unconventional because something always stands out from the crowd.

BEST DRESSED LIST

Best Dressed: Jennifer Lawrence. Ok, so maybe it was the obvious choice, but it was effortlessly elegant! She looks healthy since her bout with pneumonia, and she looks so chic. I love the fitted bodice and the perfectly voluminous pouf of the skirt. Usually the jewel tones win me over and the nude/white/blush shades makes me roll my eyes, but Jennifer looks like a vision in pale pink. So sophisticated and Oscar-worthy! And we haven’t seen her boobs, as Seth McFarlane pointed out—on or off the red carpet.

Most Glamorous: Olivia Munn. I missed her walk the red carpet, and not because of her bold choice of color. This chick is totally fit, and the corset with gold stitching hugs her curves like lingerie. I love the draping, which normally would make me complain about too much fabric, but instead its satiny sheen makes it appear totally touchable.

Most Unconventional: Naomi Watts. Not only is the color and sparkle outstanding, but the fit is flawless. And of course, the whole reason it’s unconventional—the chest/sleeve cutout!

Best Color: Naomie Harris. Mustard? I know! But it so works on her. This was also a close second for my most unconventional. I don’t understand the top, and I think that’s why I like it—almost like cobblestone. The bottom looks so light and silky, and if you caught my Golden Globes review, you’ll know I’m a fan of the high slit. Love the leg over the cleav! Also have to give her props on the soft curls.

Best Neutral: Charlize Theron. One of the E! correspondents said it was reminiscent of Anne Hathaway at the Globes, but I disagree. Charlize isn’t pasty, and she works this fashionable Dior gown. I love the peplum—surprised we didn’t see more of the trend this season! And I’m not really a fan of the pixie cuts, but Charlize’s looks so spunky—a total badass bombshell.

Best Long Sleeves: Halle Berry. I originally chose Jennifer Hudson, who somehow made the scale-effect look attractive. Then I switched my vote. Halle said she asked Donatella Versace to make her look like a Bond girl, and she definitely achieved that creation. Even the shoulder-pad look couldn’t ruin this sparkly, streamlined gown.

Best Plus Size: Adele. Even though she didn’t vary from her Globes look (all black), this one again has a great fit, great length, great sleeves and it’s accompanied by the classic Adele ‘do and smoky eye.

Best Over 50: Jane Fonda. Clearly the boldest color on the carpet! I love the cut and how exquisitely it conveys her timeless beauty. Another celebrity whose short hair style I would say complements her appearance.

Best Dressed (Who are you again?): Corinne Bishop. She’s Jamie Foxx’s daughter. In this picture, she looks like a scared kitten, but she was gorgeous on his arm. I love the teal color, the heart-shape neckline and the interwoven bodice. She may be one to watch in the future.

Dress I desperately want to fall in love with: Sandra Bullock. First off, I wanted to push her hair back behind her ear. Back to the dress—I initially hated it like most of her previous red carpet appearances. Then I had an internal tug-of-war. I like the fit on her and the black laciness; I don’t like the sheer bottom (reminds me of a negligee), and the purse should have been silver or black.

Best Dressed Host: Nancy O’Dell & Maria Menounos. There have been award shows in the past where I’ve detested almost every host’s gown; however, these two are almost always consistent with their picks. I swear Nancy gets younger every year, and did anyone wear a dress better than she did? I love the beautiful blue color and her strappy shoes. Maria also went with a bold brilliant color in a gown, and she is notorious for the high, voluminous hair.

Best Hair and Makeup: Jessica Chastain. I have a feeling she’ll get a lot of flack about her dress (again), but I thought it complemented her sun-kissed skin and auburn hair. Speaking of hair, it looked wavy and polished, and her makeup only made her look more gorgeous. I am also usually overly critical of the red lip (probably because I could never pull it off), and even with the red hair it doesn’t clash—it works!

Best Dressed Man: Eddie Redmayne. Can you say ‘smoldering’?

Best Dressed Couple: Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban. These two took my breathe away. Nicole always brings the high fashion, and she has the perfectly well-coiffed man candy. Even Nicole’s hair looks so effortless.

WORST DRESSED LIST

Worst Dressed: Kerry Washington. Ok, it was an upgrade from the Globes. I do like the salmon color against her skin tone, but it’s the flowery bust, cheap, flat-pressed bow, and extra length that moved this to the worst dressed list. First time, though, that I didn’t want to actually pick one; although I would have defaulted to no-name Rachel Mwanza (no-name being irrelevant because she’s at the Oscars, and I’m unbathed, on my couch).

Worst Long Sleeves: Sally Field. The sheer red was just not working. The way it gathered made it appear like she has arm rolls. The other thing about this dress—if you put a petticoat under it, she could have been mistaken as coming character.

Worst Plus Size: Melissa McCarthy. Typical—someone cut a whole in sheet and applied some sparkly appliques to pull it all together. What’s with the 80’s rocker hair?

Worst Over 50: Tabatha Coffey. Not sure who she is, Sinead O’Conner’s stunt double? I think she raided Jennifer Lawrence’s closet for a gown. She has no cleavage to work this dress, and the feathers and leather gloves clash.

Worst Steal: Helen Hunt. She got her dress from H&M, and it shows. It’s all crinkly and it looks very similar to my sophomore homecoming dress.  I get the feeling she just doesn’t care anymore.

Worst Dressed (Who are you again?): Brandi Glanville. I have no clue why she’s at the Oscars. A color would have helped this dress, but only slightly. To be honest, though, Brandi just chose the wrong dress. Her makeup is overkill, she’s too tan (even for Hollywood), and her boobs—what can’t I say about those things busting out of their tiny cup holders?

Worst Dressed (You should know better): Salma Hayek. Correspondents said she looked super-petite, but with her curves, that dress should have hugged her a little more. Instead the velvet fabric just hands there. Then there’s that horrid collar and awful tiara!

Worst Dressed (I let my child pick out my dress): Amy Adams. I think this dress overwhelms Amy and definitely washes her out. Not sure if her kid is old enough to make fashion choices, but if she’s not, then that explains why she wore this.

Dress that everyone will probably love but I hate: Jennifer Aniston. Ok, you’re probably thinking “But you like Jennifer Lawrence?” Well, to be honest, I saw Jennifer’s ensemble and I liked it. She looks great in red, and she’s rocking the classic J. Aniston. Then I thought, this is the Oscars. Pull up your hair! As far as the dress, the length is too long, and the whole concept is too young—too Jennifer Lawrence. She also looks best in something more fitted.

Worst Neutral: Kristen Stewart. At first I thought this gown was white, but I think it’s more of a dusty gold. Another example of a dress washing out its wearer! Plus, Kristen has a boyish figure, and this dress makes that clearly evident. I also cannot comprehend the use of tool at the bottom.

Worst Dressed Host: Kelly Rowland. This dress must have come from a contortionist. I feel like she’s about to flash us goods—top and bottom. Then there’s that hideous updo with those heavy bangs! I don’t know what Jamie Foxx sees in her (since he groped her on the red carpet).

Worst Hair and Makeup: Renee Zellweger. The cryptkeeper has arrived! I don’t think gold’s her color, and it’s not that flattering on her figure. Unfortunately, this shot does not convey the utter disaster that is her hair and makeup. Inside the theater, her hair looked frizzy, and it seemed like she didn’t even apply makeup to disguise her gaunt eating disorder.

Worst Dressed Man: Jason Schwartzman. I thought it was Charlie Chaplin! The navy suit, droopy bow tie, oversized fit, 20’s slicked-back hair, and Chester-the-Molester ‘stache complete this horrifying ensemble.

Worst Dressed Couple: Sunrise Coigney and Mark Ruffalo. Her dress looks leathery on top with a poncho on the bottom, and his suit looks shiny, which highlights an apparent weight gain. I love Mark, but I think he’s had some medical problems, which makes him look 5-10 years older. I feel bad giving them this award, so check out Quentin Tarantino and Lianne Spiderbaby. He’s all disheveled, and she looks like she’s auditioning for a remake of Sound of Music. Plus, her deep V makes her look like a linebacker.

I also included a few other pics of stars whom I didn’t critique, so enjoy the gallery and let me know: Who was your best and worst dressed stars of the evening?

Playboys need love, too

This week, Sean visited the final four’s hometowns and asked each girl’s father (and one’s mother) for their marriage blessing. I really think a sex tiebreaker would have made this week’s elimination a whole lot simpler, but apparently this Bachelor has “values”—whatever those are. I sure wouldn’t want my picture splashed across tabloid covers with the headline “Born-Again Virgin”—not even with the byline “Vaginal Rejuvenation Success Stories”.

The first hometown date wasn’t that far of a jog for Sean, who lives in Dallas. AssLee lives in Houston with her terrier Bailey. I hate that name unless it’s served on the rocks.

AssLee thinks she’s found true love. “What if he says, ‘You’re amazing, but you’re not the one!’” Then you go to counseling. Am I right?

This date is boring like all of their dates. AssLee: “God, you amaze me everytime!” Sean: “{doofy laugh} Hahaha, stop, I’m not God, but I can make you say his name.” AssLee: “You’re so handsome. I love looking at you.” Lots of closed-mouth kissing ensues, and AssLee cheers “YAY!” Nothing turns my vagina off faster than a close-mouth kiss.

AssLee and Sean arrive at her parent’s house, and she says she’s been dreaming about this day since she was 4 or 5 years old. I’m sure this was taken out of context because “meet the parents” isn’t exactly the make-believe game you play. I was more about dressing up in my mom’s lingerie and marrying my sister. See how things can get taken out of context?!

They sit down to eat in AssLee’s parent’s backyard… probably because of all the crucifixes, rosary beads or statues of Mary. AssLee’s dad wants to know every detail about their journey—where they’ve been, what they’ve seen, how close Sean’s peen came to AssLee’s hotbox. AssLee recalls the Polar Bear Plunge—with tears in her eyes—because it was really that cold… or because she was ready to marry Sean come hell or ice water.

Then she proceeds to tell them about their “romance” in St. Croix. AssLee: “We had fun in the sand, mama, you know, like they did in Grease. We rolled around in the sand, and I felt his man parts against my lady bits. That was really fun… and then I told him I loved him. He didn’t say anything because he’s contractually obligated.”

AssLee’s mom wants to reiterate the sense of abandonment AssLee experienced as an orphan. Basically Sean should be careful because sometimes she wanders off wearing a blindfold and awakes with no sense of who she is and how she got there.

From there, Sean sits down with her dad and tells him he’s “crazy about his daughter.” Then the crazy talk turns to AssLee’s underage marriage, and the lesson learned is you have to let your children make their own mistakes. Tear! Sean says he’s seen AssLee’s “core” and asks for her father’s permission to plunge his drill into it. He agrees. One down, four to go.

AssLee’s dad recalls the story of when he met AssLee, in one of the most heartfelt moments of the series. “Whatever man takes her for the rest of her life is gonna have to fall in love with her like that.” Then again, pedophilia—not so much! AssLee says she cries every time her dad shares that, which makes me wonder how many times she’s found “true love”. In true ABC Disney fairy tale fashion, AssLee says the day was magical, and there’s pixie dust everywhere. Well bibbity-bobbity-boo! My fairy godmother would be jealous.

The next hometown visits takes Sean to Seattle, where he finds Catherine in a busy marketplace. They make a wish on a pig—not sure if it was supposed to buck or vibrate, but it appears they stuck him with some coins. People are staring. What? You’ve never seen two people ride a ham?

They pass through Pike Place where they toss fish. Catherine drops hers because it’s “slippery”. Slippage can ruin relationships, Catherine. She says she loves the way Sean smells—like fish. She also loves his big, beefy arms and hopes he’s got the meaty sausage to match. Sean says Catherine brings out the kid in him.

Lots of squealing occurs when they enter Catherine’s house. Sean puts on an apron and flirts with her Grandma Graham Cracker, but for Catherine, the reception isn’t as welcoming. Her sisters are very critical of her choices because they feel like Catherine has to convince them to support her relationship. Catherine: “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t really care about this guy.” Yeah, I could see Tierra saying the same thing. Catherine’s sisters proceed to bash her former relationship dynamic. “Every guy that she’s dated has been real easy… she needs to be called out on her whorishness… she’s dirty… needs someone who can handle her mood swings.”

Catherine’s mom: “Will it work out? I don’t know. I don’t want my daughter to get hurt. You don’t want to lead her on because we don’t want that. So I think it’s best if you take your womanizing ways and pick the next girl.” Needless to say, Sean didn’t get her blessing even though he thinks “the world” of her daughter.

Next up, Sean goes to visit his army brat’s family in Missouri. This 24 year old possesses all the qualities Sean wants in a wife—ditzy voice, drunkenness, immaturity. She brings out the kid in him, just like Catherine does. Clearly, Sean doesn’t really want to grow up, which doesn’t bode well for his marriage proposal.

Lindsay and Sean bop around her small town and enjoy some cake smashing at a cupcake shop. Lindsay tells Sean to address her dad like “Hey, dude!” Then she makes him drop and give her twenty. “Don’t give me sass boi… kiss me harder… bend me over this bench… about face {smacks his ass}!”

Sean: “Lindsay’s dad is a big deal… like Ron Burgundy!” Good thing you got in a few pushups and crunches. “Part of Lindsay’s dad’s job is making men—with his stern General sperm—and hopefully he sees that I am a man, and not a sissy little girl who wears salmon-colored pants.”

Lindsay looks exactly like her mother, and her brother looks like he takes after her dad and Frankenstein. They tell her parents about Lindsay’s entrance in a wedding dress. Lindsay’s mom thinks it’s hysterical, while her dad thinks he’s about to be demoted. Lindsay’s mom says Lindsay “looks content… she looks at peace.” What is she, a corpse? Are they anticipating a wedding or a funeral?

Sean tells her mom that he’s not ready to commit to love… or anyone… because he’s The Bachelor and none of them commit. Sean is smitten with her mom, and it appears she is about ready to pounce on him. “Who you are is fantastic!” Yep, I’m sure she pinched his tushie on the way out.

Finally, Sean gets to “the talk” with the two-star General. Sean’s “crazy about your daughter”, sir. If someone were crazy about me, I’d ask if they were on medication. Lindsay’s dad ponders giving a blessing. He’s never been asked a “tougher question.” He tells Sean he “has to have the authority to make the decision”, so he gives his blessing but says he’ll take it back if Lindsay says no. Well duh!

Before he leaves, the General gives him dog tags, and everyone wants to hug Sean, including her doofy brother, who eagerly waited in line for a bear hug.

In a totally different world, Sean makes his last stop in L.A. where Dez lives. She greets him with the running approach and leaps into his arms to wrap her legs around him. Barf! Dez tells him she doesn’t want to miss him, but she tells us she wants to make out. After they freshen up from their super sweaty hike, they go back to her house. Someone else besides Sean was planning to make a visit, and Sean is confused, especially when this stranger says he loves Dez. “Whoooooaaaa!” Sean thinks he needs to leave, but I’m like, No, stay! I like Alpha-male Sean. Fight, fight, fight! “Don’t put your hands on me!” No, put your hands on meeeee, Sean! I love how all of America was convinced it was her ex when I’ve known since before the season started that this was a hoax.

Dez can definitely give one—a joke, not a BJ. Then the scary woman from The Blair Witch Project arrives—or at least that’s how I would have pictured her. Dez: “My mom’s so cute.” Really? She kinda freaks me out. Sean and Dez proceed to repeat (not finish) each other’s sentences.

Dez’s brother has words of wisdom. “A lot of guys could make you happy… that’s not what it’s about though… I’m thinking this is not going to work… This is like stupid, almost, like me.” Har har har! Mr. Debonair asks to talk with Sean.

Things get tense because Mr. Know-it-all wants Sean to admit he’s a fraud. Sean is praying for answers to this question, so he starts rambling about giving affection to Dez. Sean: “Does that put your mind at ease?” Doofus: “Aw no, I think you just a playboy… having fun with the circumstances.” Sean: “That’s not me… that’s Chris Harrison.” Dumbo: “No, I’m not buying it.”

Sean wanted to tell Dickwad off, but he didn’t want to make a scene. Then her parents started talking about the weather and how it’s raining Douche-nozzles. Once Sean leaves, Dingleberry admits he called Sean a playboy, which sends Dez off the handle. Dipshit: “He is not the one!” Oh, the number of times I’ve heard that from family members.

Finally, an hour and 37 minutes into the episode, Sean is half naked in his closet. He can picture his life with Lindsay and AssLee, but he’s unsure about Dez and her crazy brother and Catherine, a.k.a. Miss Independent. So he does what any normal guy dating four women would do, he talks to his therapist—Chris Harrison. Sean: “Nope, no clarity this week, Chris! I have no idea who I’m sending home.” Chris: “Are all four women literally on the chopping block?” What is this Survivor now? You gonna snuff their torches, too, Chris?

Sean is afraid he’ll make the wrong choice—like Jason Mesnick. Think of the positive, Sean—at least you can still marry and impregnate your runner-up! Before he hands out any roses, Dez interrupts and asks him to step outside to apologize for her dirtbag brother’s behavior. Meanwhile, Catherine is having a meltdown. “Should I have pulled him aside and offered him a handie?” The sure-things get their roses, but before he gives out the final rose he sets it back down. Even though I knew the ending, it still startled me to think he would ask for another rose… or run away with dong tucked between his legs.

Dr. Harrison returns and offers this advice: “Get this right!” Hahahaha! Don’t eff up, Seanie! Otherwise, you’ll be the laughing-stock of reality TV, right behind Jessie Palmer forgetting that chick’s name. In the end, though, Sean sends Dez home, after having reassured her that his feelings for her have nothing to do with her brother. That’s the best—“It’s not you; it’s your brother.”

Sean tells her that he’s been battling this all day like a cancerous tumor. Dez tells him he’s making a huge mistake—not 99.9%, but 100%. Sean even admits, “It might be.” Although if it makes her the Bachelorette, then I’m sure she’ll get over it. I feel like I’m watching my breakup all over again. “Don’t let me go… it’s not right… I don’t know what I’m going to do about my life… all I want to do is make someone happy… like, that is all I want to do.” As my sister said, “Get some goals, girl!”

Until next week… I hope you all enjoyed Sean’s shower scene on “Sean Tells All” this evening! I know I did!! Queue a cold shower!

Nobody will take my sparkle!

This week, Sean wanted to break the rules and fly with all the women to St. Croix because he’s very optimistic that he’ll find his wife and a plane ride might solidify that.

When they arrive at the resort, Tierra pulls out a cot. “I’m not friend with girls who like my boyfriend, and I don’t share beds with them either.”

AssLee gets the first date card and admits she gets emotionally carried away with Sean. Tierra: “The cougar’s back in town.” Finally, someone else agrees she looks like Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, and as for the cougar talk, 32 is one of the oldest bachelorettes we’ve seen make it this far. Makes me feel old!

Sean says AssLee has the biggest heart and the second biggest titties left, apart from Tierra’s. After witnessing a whole lotta sideboob from her last night,  I also noticed how perfectly perky her boobies are, which makes me think they’re fake. AssLee uses Sean and her flotation devices to swim out to a catamaran, but not before the camera guy checks out Ass’s ass.

At the resort, the women speculate about AssLee’s date and plot rolling Tierra’s cot into the ocean.  Meanwhile, Sean asks AssLee about the “drama” in the house. AssLee wastes no time confessing the antics of Miss Pouty Pants. She also confesses that she’s dreamt of waking up next to Sean. The next scenes show them dry humping in the sand and grinding in the water. Sure that’s the only thing you dream of, AssLee?

Later, the date card arrives for Tierra. She hopes Sean is “saving something” for her—like his revirginized peen.  What a cockamamie story—emphasis on the cock! Someone can be heard cooing “Awww jelly belly” and it makes me want candy! Tierra sounds like Selma, whining about every last detail: “Being attacked by bugs, the sweatiness, and my makeup dripping off… frizzy hair, dizziness, my oozy tampon… that’s not fun or cool… I love boating and being on the water, so why I can’t we repeat Cougar Town’s date instead of walking around some lame town?”

To conclude the episode’s first date, Sean and AssLee have dinner on the beach, where she has a serious confession to drop. She definitely drags this one out: “He needs to know all about me… this is definitely gonna be a make-or-break… I really just want to breeze through this… I just wanna say it and be done with it… I’m sorry for this… so fifteen years ago… I was having a really hard time in life… I had a boyfriend at the time… things were really difficult with my mom and I… and I got a sex change operation married at seventeen.”

Sean: “So you wanted to be on Teen Mom?”

AssLee: “I don’t want to be this broken boy girl who comes to you.”

Sean: “I had no idea what you were about to say. I thought you were going to tell me something terrible… like you were a dude!”

AssLee was nervous to tell Sean about her previous lifestyle relationship. Then, she stands on her chair and screams “I love Dick Sean!”  She proceeds to drop the ‘L’ word a half-dozen times. At this point, Sean can’t wait for his date with Miss Pouty Pants.

Sean: “Is Tierra the sweet girl that I thought she was or is she not so nice?” This is turning into the plot of some raunchy wannabe Santa porn.

Sean and Tierra have some coladas before browsing the marketplace. Sean throws money around to impress her. He buys her an eternity bracelet, and she gushes, thinking he’s going to drop to one knee like they do in those effing “Marry Me Monday” advertisements. They turn a corner, and music is blasting as a real parade heads their direction. Tierra: “BLACK PEOPLE! RUN! They’ll try to steal my bracelet.  Oh wait, I love to dance and have fun! Look! It’s Sean Paul!”

After the street powwow, Tierra wants a snow cone. Sean wants one, too, so she pouts.

Tierra: “No matter how hard I try to be who I am to the girls, they don’t want to accept it, and I think it’s because they’ve been pissed off since I got that first rose. I got the rose, and now Courtney Robs and I can be besties.”

Sean: “You think it’s more of a jealousy thing?”

Tierra: “I don’t know… like I try to talk to them when I sit by myself in a corner with a smug look on my face.”

Sean: “If you could do it over again, would you act differently in front of the other girls?”

Tierra: “These girls aren’t gonna be around for much longer… because I plan on stabbing them all in their sleep!”

The rest of their date goes much the same way AssLee’s did—except Tierra doesn’t scream out her affections for Sean like an epileptic. Instead, she tells him she feels “behind in the game.” Like… do not pass Go… do not collect $200? But Sean flat out tells her that their lack of development may have something to do with the drama in the house.

After the third date card arrives for Cat, Dez, and Lindz, it’s obvious Les gets the last one-on-one. She wants to be locked in a closet with Sean playing Seven Minutes in Heaven or doin’ it doggy-style on Tierra’s cot.

Back on the date, Tierra now knows someone threw her under the bus, so she does what any scrambler would do—whispers to Sean that she is falling in love with him.

Sean: “I’ve finally come to the conclusion that she’s probably not nice to the other women, but she’s being genuine when she says she’s here for me and her handies aren’t bad either.” Some people are so jaded!

What comes next has to be a test! Sean asks if she wants to run into the ocean—like some other biatch we know. She passed on all counts because she wouldn’t dive in—probably because it would mess up her hair, wash her makeup off, get sand in her kuka shell, etc.

The next morning, Sean wants to surprise the group daters without their makeup on. Sean says they look better than he does in the morning. Really, Sean! Do you wear makeup when you leave the house then? I like Catherine, who’s like, “I just need to pee and I’m good to go.” On the other hand, I agree with Lindsay because I would want to shave my pits, too.

The group date will take them from one side of the island for sunrise to the other side for sunset. Such a romantic moment to share with the man of your dreams and two other women! Dez wanted some lip action, but I guess a four-way kiss was outta the question, huh ABC?

Sean loves road head trips, and how couldn’t you if you’re a guy with three hot chicks all ready to blow you?! Lindsay admits she doesn’t take a lot of guys home, but I think all women in America would agree Sean is one to take home, tie down, and saddle up.

Along their excursion, they stop at a tree house, where Dez wastes no time with the “tie down” part, lassoing him to a tree and monopolizing his time. This bothers the other two girls who also wanted to reenact a scene from Fifty Shades of Grey. Sugarcane would make a good whip, right?

Their final stop highlights Lindsay’s pimple. Sean and Lindsay are reminiscing about how far they’ve come, but all I can see and hear is that pimple saying “POP ME!”

Somehow Catherine finds time to converse with Sean, and once again she drops another traumatic story on him. Her father was abused by his stepfather, and he attempted to commit suicide in front of her and her sisters. Then they see dolphins, and it’s all rainbows and butterflies again.

Back at the resort, Lesley and AssLee are speculating who will get the rose and if Tierra will confront AssFace. Editing makes it appear that Tierroist is eavesdropping and “enough is enough”, bitches!

Dez is really gunning for the rose on the group date, so she plays the weepy card—“My family’s, like, everything to me.” Unfortunately, the sob stories of the date don’t pull at Sean’s heart strings as much as Lindsay’s throbbing pimple, but fortunately the sun sets fast enough so we don’t have to glimpse it anymore.

On the last date, Sean shows up in salmon-colored shorts, and (what a coincidence!) Lesley meets him in a salmon-colored skirt—something “right out of a movie.” Sean is a little unsure about his relationship with Lesley, so to figure if they pick they venture into a secret garden to pick an avocado.

Lesley admits she thinks the women on this show are fools, but she herself has become one of those women—she wants to tell Sean that she’s falling for him, buuuuut she chokes. There are some awkward silences, some more fruit-picking, a passionate kiss, and then it’s over.

The next day, Sean’s sister Shay arrives for a surprise visit. “You don’t want to break their hearts, but their hearts will get broken and they’ll get over it, just like yours was broken and you got over it.” Truer words were never spoken on this show! Shay doesn’t want Sean to end up with “that one”.

At that same moment, “that one” and AssLee are having a chitchat about Tierra’s character. Tierra doesn’t want to sit around with a 32-year-old talking about high school stuff. Tierra: “Girls are jealous. Men love me.” Meanwhile, Shay doesn’t want Sean to end up with the girl no one likes.

Tierra storms off and then storms back in. AssLee is pissed because Tierra doesn’t say good morning, or swap makeup tips, or share bikini bottoms (i.e. AssLee’s two-toned bikini), or appreciate her cookies (a clip we STILL haven’t seen). Tierra insists AssLee intended to sabotage her time with Sean because, let’s face it, who doesn’t want that bitch gone?

AssLee is tired of Tierra’s blank stares and raised eyebrow, but Tierra can’t help those things because that’s just how her face works without Botox. Huh? Isn’t that the other way around?

Clearly we missed a conversation this season in which Tierra must have talked about her parents. AssLee says even Tierra’s parents were worried about her coming on the show because she can’t get along with other girls. Tierra denies this because she has “a sparkle”. She says her parents said, “Do not let those bitches take your sparkle away.” She continues: “If I could walk around with a smile on 24/7, I would, but my face would get frickin’ tired.” Didn’t we learn in grade school that it takes more muscles to frown than smile?

While this is happening, Sean decides to go and get Tierra so that she can meet his sister. He’s clueless as he strolls to her room.

Tierra: “I have been put through a lot. Maybe not an orphanage, or death by falling tree, or suicidal parents, or losing an arm in the womb, but bitches try to steal my sparkle.”

Sean finds Tierra sobbing. “Once again, it’s the Tierra show!” He wants her to meet someone, but their date has been heavy on her heart, which forced her to confront AssLee for sabotaging their relationship.  Sean takes a moment to ponder his actions; his sister told him that if a girl cannot get along with other girls then that’s trouble. Men take note!

Sean returns to Tierra’s side to confess that the “someone” is his sister, and she completely falls apart in the you-did-that-for-me sort of way.  But instead reassuring her as he’s done before, he drops the guillotine and tells her it’d be best if she went home to crazytown. What’s even more shocking is that this time she doesn’t urge him to keep her!

Sean says he didn’t see it coming, which he would have had he seen the footage, but he’s not shocked that it happened, either, because she hasn’t taken her Midol.

Sean: “I think the world of you.”

Tierra: “Obviously not enough!” Take that, Seanie! And then in the limo minivan: “I can’t believe they did this to me. I hope the girls got what they wanted.” Oh, I think they did, and so did the rest of America! “Nobody will take my sparkle away!” Sparkle on, sista!

On to the rose ceremony, or so they think! More speculating on what may have happened! Lindsay: “I think she cried and said ‘This is so hard!’” Dez: “’All the girls are so mean to me!’” AssLee thinks her ass is on the line because of her connection to the drama. Sean arrives to explain the day’s events and informs them that Tierra’s gone to a better place—Bachelor Pad.  Oh please, oh please, oh please!

He also tells them he’s passing on a cocktail party because he can’t face Lesley and her awkward silences anymore. Catherine takes it the hardest because, like me, she wanted Sean to pick Lesley. So sad we won’t see her again until the WTA in a few weeks, but in the meantime, I’ll be rooting for her as my numero uno pick for The Bachelorette. Let’s start the campaign!

And they lived happily ever… AW HELL NAW!

Like all fairy tales, this one has a Prince Charming, but first we meet the Genie from the lamp—Chris Harrison—who arrives to grant the ladies their reality TV wish. Their fairy tale trip around the world begins today… with their first destination being Whitefish, Montana. Really? Not a castle in France or a palace in the desert.

Prince Charming’s never been to Montana, as I reckon most princes haven’t. He’ll have a lot of princesses to keep him company, and one evil sea witch named Ursula.

The first princess to accompany Prince Charming on his travels is Snow White, whose voice is still as annoying as ever. (Ok, ok, so there’s no resemblance on this one.)

Snow White: “Is that a helicopter?” Nope, it’s an RV with propellers.

They soar over Glacier National Park and then park it on Pocahontas’s Indian reservation. Snow tells the Prince about her days as an army brat, living with way more than seven dwarves. Snow also tells him that she never really had a relationship with her father, probably because he was poisoned by her evil stepmother. No wonder she drinks too much wine and dances around in a wedding gown, singing “Some Day my Prince will Come”. Prince Charming gives her a rose.

At the hotel, the group date card arrives, and Ursula is as “happy as a little bumblebee filled with honey” since she’ll be on the two-on-one date with her nemesis The Little Mermaid. Princess Aurora thinks Ursula needs to get “sober” before her date; nobody likes a drunk villain.

Before the first one-on-one is over, the Prince has one more surprise for Snow White. He whisks her away to downtown Whitefish, where a mob of people—the entire town, population 30—have gathered to cut out her heart. Unfortunately, they didn’t succeed, but I bit into that apple and passed out hardcore for the rest of their date.

The next day…

Sean: “I don’t necessarily need an outdoorsman wife…” What does that mean exactly? You don’t care if she has both man and woman parts?

Princess Jasmine: “I come down the hill and I see my Prince Charming waiting there for me.” I guess Aladdin’s out of the picture.

On the group date, the women participate in a relay race—canoeing, hauling hay, sawing wood, and milking a goat. Belle: “I have never had a desire in my life to drink goat’s milk, but I will down goat’s milk—like a good book—to get more time with Sean.”

Alice: “I’m gonna chug that goat milk like it’s my job. I’m no stranger to sipping strange liquids that build strong bones and make me grow five stories tall.”

Cinderella is nervous. “I don’t think having one arm is going to hold me back today. After all, I’m the only one of these bitches with a fairy g-ma.”

Look—only one arm!

During the first part of the race, no one can paddle the canoes—not even Pocahontas, who uses one as her primary mode of transportation. Blue team docks first, but the red team takes over bucking their hay and crosscutting their wood. It comes down to milking their goat. “Get that right nipple!” Evidently the more productive nipple! Belle’s goat knocks over her mason jar, but she milks that goat like the pro she is and gulps down that warm, creamy nipple shplooge to earn a win for the red team.

Alice: “Weak people piss me off and losing pisses me off and not getting more time with Prince Charming pisses me off and that damn Cheshire cat pisses me off.” The losers exit in a white chariot van.

Prince Charming takes the winners to a magical place called Casey’s, but he misses the losers. He felt his wife might have been on the blue team, so he summons them to his cave of wonders. Belle is pissed that she deep-throated that white stuff. Tiana is mad they “got nothing extra out of it”—not even just his tip.

Ursula sits on the porch writing spells in her fake journal. Then she steals one of the “loser’s” shirts and stalks off to Sean’s soiree, where the winners are getting angry and the losers are arriving Sex in the City-style (side-by-side down main street).

“Are you expecting any other surprises this evening?” says one of the Prince’s servants. “You mean, the ‘Marry Me Monday’ special, which airs on the following commercial?

Ursula feels like she got a “huge cock slap in the face”, but it was probably just one of her tentacles unfurling from beneath her stolen shirt. “I need to stalk the guy I’m dating.” Actually, that’s a common mistake amongst lovesick teenagers and evil villains who patrol the beaches using a stolen voicebox to mesmerize the man of their dreams.

Ursula: “I told you this from the get-go: I don’t want to be misled and I’m a real person and I have real feelings, but everything else about me is fake, including what I just said.” Nevertheless, she feels like she got a head-start with the two-on-one date.

Prince Charming returns to the party and immediately pulls Belle aside, who’s still pissed because she “could have walked the whole thing.” Then around the corner comes Princess Aurora. “Obviously, there’s one person in the four of us that he wants to spend time, and I can’t help but think that’s me me me.” Snoozing Beauty gets her eye-opening liplock.

Next up, John Smith wants to snuggle with Pocahontas,  but Rapunzel wants to let down her hair.  Unfortunately for her, she catches the Indian princess grindin’ up on the white man’s crotch. Rapunzel cries to Cinderella’s make-believe fairy godmother. “He obviously connects with a lot of you, and it’s like I don’t wanna feel like I have to fight for it.” But then, her wish comes true, and Prince Charming pulls her aside. She starts bawling and apologizing, but the Prince thinks it’s she’s sooooooo sweet. First time ever a man is not afraid of tears.

She wastes no time planting one on him. Mmm sloppy seconds! And it worked—Prince Charming gives her a rose. Belle must be so jealous!

The next day, Ariel and Ursula depart for their date on a ranch where they’ll ride horses. Ariel clearly has a hard time with land animals because her horse lags behind the other two, giving Ursula the chance to convince the Prince they’ll be lovers—just like their horses.

When they demount, Ariel gets crucial alone time with the Prince where she tells him she didn’t plan on being the girl to “go over to him and say this is how this girl is… I would wanna know if I were in your position.” She proceeds to throw Ursula back into the ocean, admitting she had flirted with another suitor at the airport. Kiss of death, m’lady!

Later, the three of them sit down for a cordial dinner of what else—fish. I’m surprised Ariel didn’t brush her locks with that dinglehopper she used to fork her friends of the sea. Fish are friends—not food!

The Prince should have staked Ursula, but instead, he pulls her aside so she can tell him some sob story without the sobbing—something about an ex in rehab who died, “hardest time in her life”, blah blah blah, no tears shed. She says she lost her “best friend”, which is why she’s never found any new friends. I think she gave her ex a magic potion which turned him into a poor unfortunate soul.

Moment of truth—good versus evil. I guess her conch shell necklace cheetah-print scarf was her all-powerful talisman because the Prince decided to keep her. Sweet Ariel should have busted out the seashell bra. Prince Charming: “I feel very confident in keeping Tierra because I’m starting to figure out why she is the woman she is… and why she attaches herself so strongly to men.” BECAUSE SHE HAS TENTACLES! You can’t escape the Kraken!

Ariel: “I don’t know what he’s looking for. I really don’t! Maybe it’s not me, but I know it’s not a half-woman, half-octopussy.” Well, not everyone can be part of Seanie’s world, except Ursula who gets to enjoy the firework display with him. Wait, haven’t we seen this before?!

Meanwhile…  the sun has long set on the third day. Under the sea she goes. Not the fairytale you all were expecting, huh?

At the rose ceremony, he picks the Belle of the ball first for discussion—tale as old as time. Belle finds this beast a bit unpredictable as of late. You know, perhaps there’s something there that wasn’t there before—like a horny peen. Belle is so confused… I’d hate to see Gaston show up down the road and try to win her back.

In other wings of the castle, Ursula wants to throw some fists—and not in the Jersey Shore kind of way.

Belle says Ariel was the sweetest person in the house and it was hard to watch their Prince throw that fish back. Ursula stomps out of the room to devilishly sing in front of a mirror: “Soon I’ll have that little mermaid and the ocean will be mine.”

Belle: “No one is jealous of that.”

Tiana is ready to make this the Bad Girls Disney Club, so she confronts Ursula, followed by Alice and Pocahontas.

Ursula: “I am not about to get threatened. I am so over this. I don’t even care. If I wanna go get engaged, I can easily go get engaged… no matter what I do, someone is always watching me.” Queue Prince Charming! “I will bite. I am a Scorpio, and I do bite and my stinger does come out when I get pissed.” Looks like I’ll be steering clear of Scorpios then!

Belle: “She needs a Xanax and to be sent home. Goodbye.”

The Prince wants to talk to Ursula who says it’s getting “out of control”. “I’m not doing anything to any of these girls… all of them are attacking me… for everything. I am such a nice girl, and no one gives me credit here.”

Sean: “I don’t want to be naïve, but I don’t want her boobies to leave either.” Clearly, this guy’s in Wonderland, so he looks to Alice for some advice. She describes Ursula as “cold” as the ocean she came from.

Pocahontas wishes Sean would see the all the colors of the wind and take back Ursula’s rose. And then as magic would have it, Sean rubs his lamp and out pops Genie Harrison to offer some words of wisdom. “You ain’t never had a friend like me, and if I asked you… ‘Do you see your wife in this room?’, I don’t think I’m getting a happy answer tonight.” So many princesses, so little time!

One by one, he picks a princess, except for Tiana. No surprise, though, because Sean is definitely no frog! As he walks her out, Jasmine can be seen whispering “Be scared.” Why? Because if anyone double crosses Ursula, they’ll have a place amongst her garden of decrepit merfolk.