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Archive for May, 2012

Compromise is for man-whores

Posted by emzkbd on May 29, 2012

Well, The Bachelorette is in full bloom, but there’s a few roses… err posts… missing from my bouquet. I apologize for missing the first two episodes, but both nights I was on vacation. I have since had the opportunity to play catch up with our suitors and sniff around for some dirt on these guys and the season’s outcome as it has already finished taping, but alas my source—www.RealitySteve.com—does not have the spoilers. So I’m confined to knowing the final three, including who exits at number 4, but I’m clueless on the rest of the guys’ exits. Am I happy with how it dwindles down? For the majority, yes! Do I think she’ll end up with the right guy? 67% Yes, but we’ll see. There’s still a lot I don’t know and a probable chance a lot will hit the tabloids with a villain who potentially surpasses Courtney.

I’ve decided I’m not going to waste time backtracking. If you’re reading this blog, there’s a good chance you already watch the show and now how things have unraveled. Fortunately, I think episode 2 was rather boring, other than Joe’s exit which was rather shady. Why? My theory is that more than a few of these guys aren’t on the show for the right reasons, perhaps more so than in previous seasons. While they may not have girlfriends back home, they’ve certainly been canoodling. Otherwise, they’re looking for their 15 minutes to boost their careers, they hope to land on Bachelor Pad where they can hook up with previous bachelorettes, or they hope to earn the most coveted role of next season’s Bachelor. Whichever ulterior motive they possess, it’ll come out—on the show or in the mags. So let’s get to last night’s show!

Emily’s feeling pretty pampered when her indentured servant arrives with her breakfast in bed. “Hi, Mama!” Meanwhile her “baggage” is camera shy already! You think this kid would be trying to steal the spotlight. Hell, if it had been me, I would be using this opportunity as my audition for the Mickey Mouse Club.

Over at the boy’s mansion, the host with the most and the man vying for The Bachelor: Over 40 Edition, Chris Harrison, announces that only one will have the privilege of making Emily his fiancée… unless she lets two guys propose and feels too bad to turn down one of them.

Chris gets the first one-on-one date. No, not you Mr. Over-the-Rainbow! The one that looks like Gerard Butler!   I don’t think he’s thaaaaaaaaaat cute, but I guess it can’t hurt to resemble a celeb. For their date, Emily and The Phantom climb a building, during which Emily has a panic attack because fan are chanting for her to fall to her death. Okay, so that didn’t happen, but she did throw a temper tantrum. Despite her whining, King Leonidas still wanted to mack on Ms. Maynard. Unfortunately for her, he pussies out once they reach the top and opts for the oh-so-smooth high five.

Later in the date, producers queue the porn star tunes while Emily tells The Bounty Hunter she wouldn’t talk to him in bar… because lots of single moms hang out in bars. Chris doesn’t seem to hear what she’s saying because he’s still fantasizing about their first kiss. Then he confesses he’s only 25, and Emily shits her pants. 25?!?!? “RED FLAG!!! You’re so young, like a whole year younger than me! You have so much to experience, like an unplanned pregnancy and multiple engagements, before I can ever consider you as husband material.”

Back at the pad, and by pad I mean the diaper rag Tony is wearing as he complains about missing his son, the men get the group date card. Dun dun dun…

But before we get there, Chris thinks he can prove he’s a man, so he tells Emily he plans to take 300 men to defeat the Persians… or he just wows her with his doofy dance moves. Most romantic part? No, not Luke Bryan’s nuthuggers. Chris asks Emily if he can kiss her. Word of advice brought to you by Nike: Just do it!

The next day, Emily greets the guys in a park with a football, basically to encourage their boners. Her real plan though is to have her mom-friends assault the men to make them feel extremely uncomfortable. Needless to say those boners went from full mast to tucked away.

They make ‘em dance, do push-ups and confess their cheating ways… I’m looking at you Brazilian Billy Ray Cyrus.   But my favorite part was the striptease performed by sweet, sexy Sean. I’m sure any woman with a pulse would have given him a guided tour of her meat cave after that stunt.

Afterward, Emily unleashes a pack of bloodthirsty children on the men. One thing we know for sure: these guys can fake it. Each of them looks ecstatic when really they’re wishing they were in a hot tub with a MILF. Anyone else find it a tad creepy that these grown men were forced to chase small children around a park? I think that’s illegal SOMEwhere!

One man who manages to escape the criminal activity—the manchild of Sylvester Stone and The Rock.  +  =  However, his actions are not without offense. He basically tells Emily to steer clear of any extra poundage or else he’ll look elsewhere to get his rocks off.

At the evening’s cocktail party, Sean makes our panties melt  while sharing how his parents have influenced his desire to be a husband and father, so it’s no wonder he gets the group date rose. Daddy Doug confesses Emily’s friends are fair game and then pulls an Emily when he tells a sob story. Last but not least, Debbie Downer deflates the room when he tears up over his special needs child. What? The kid thought North Carolina was Nerf Caroline.

Speaking of adolescents, Jef clearly resembles this kid   from Not Another Teen Movie. Not sure which decade he’s living, but clearly, it’s not the present as he confesses to Emily that he has a crush on her. Alright kiddo, time to go rub one out in the bathroom while Daddy Doug convince Tony Danza   to head home. Queue Tony’s baby talk:

Tony: “Do you know I miss you so much?”

Kid: “Yea.”

Tony: “Do you know I love you?”

Kid: “No.”

Tony: “Do you miss me, too?”

Kid: “Not really. Grandma gave me ice cream.”

Tony: “No, I’m Joker and you’re Batman.”

Kid: “Who is this?”

Tony: “Remember, I’m pretending to be your daddy. I love you.”

Kid: “Yea whatever. Bring me something cool.”

Dad wants to find love, and Dad thinks his kid with the pea-sized brain won’t understand that. Listen dude, when you’re kid starts to get erections, he’ll understand. At this point, Emily wants to do something to make him feel better, and dads across America are like “Better be a blow job!”

Emily: “I know how hard it is.”

Tony: “It was a little harder than I expected. And then I talked to him tonight, and I didn’t think it would be that emotional… didn’t touch me that way, but it did.”

Actual quotations. Easy for your mind to fall into the gutter!

Obviously, Emily couldn’t see herself with a man who finds it hard talking to little boys, so she sends Tony back to his little boy where clearly he’d be more happy.

The final date of the episode is Arie, who I couldn’t find attractive if I tried because he looks like my cousin . I guess only my sister would get this one since I’m not going to embarrass him by posting his pic. Emily takes him to Dollywood because he’s undoubtedly a boob man… or just a boob. Arie says all the right things like “Let’s win something for Ricki” and “YAY, Dolly!”

Besides shitting her pants this episode, Emily curds her cheese when Dolly walks out to perform a song. Arie gets the boot so Emily and Dolly make out. Then, I fell asleep and woke up after the commercial to find them STILL in Dollywood and Arie STILL oozing bullshit. Clearly, I do not trust this fellow who flaunts his relationship with his ex’s kids. That and his subtle comment about how racing reminded his ex of her ex and how it all blew up. Hey dummy, you’re dating a chick whose ex raced and his plane essentially blew up. Real smooth! Gotta hand it to Emily though! I bet she had a lot of people fooled when she faked him out with the rose.

The final half hour of the cocktail party are perhaps the most entertaining. Cases in point:

  1. Jude Law   won’t let her get a word in edgewise and then shuts her down. “I love it when you talk, but      I wish you’d let me finish.”
  2. Hawaii Five-0  lets Emily smash his ego, err egg.
  3. Billy Ray won’t be running a Daddy Day Care anytime soon. Not after he confessed to inbreeding and man-whoring. I think this guy needs an English dictionary:

Compromise [kom-pruh-mahyz] noun, verb

i.      A settlement of differences by mutual concessions; an agreement reached by adjustment of conflicting or opposing claims, principles, etc., by reciprocal modification of demands.

ii.      to settle by a compromise

Example: Alessandro is not willing to compromise on the meaning of compromise.

Away goes the Gypsy King and into Sir Arie’s arms she flees!

  1. Again, Sean makes Emily (and all female viewers) weepy. I would let him fertilize my Shellys any day!

And finally, it’s time for another dramatic rose ceremony. Not really, though! Did you see Stevie’s dance moves? More like crap-tastic! He at least could have moonwalked outta that joint! Until next week, when we’re due even more dramz! Forget chick fights! Dick fights are more gory!! Muahahahaha!

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