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Archive for June, 2012

Threesome starring Arie’s rubdown, Sean’s man key, and Jef’s wooden puppet

Posted by emzkbd on June 26, 2012

First off, I apologize for my absence last week. I realized I missed a captivating re-cap about a dude whose emotions shattered more than his egg named Shelly, an egomaniac who was none other than SHOCKED by Emily’s decision to send him off without any trophy, and buff men in skirts seeing how far they can pitch their wood. Oh yeah, and that surprise rose ceremony where she chose to save both Wolf and Doug from the shitter, only to flush ‘em out this week. Sorry, but this bachelorette had her own one-on-one date to attend! I don’t see nothing wrong… with a little bump and grind.

Anyway, Emily can’t seem to get enough of the “olden” European cities, so she continues to bore us with a jaunt to Prague. Anyone else think Emily, walking around the city contemplating her future make-outs, looked like a confused American tourist? “Excuse me, has anyone seen an insanely large production crew?” Oh no, you wouldn’t have because they’re got this season on lockdown right to the final three. This has actually been the first time in the last handful of season’s where I, too, am guessing who it could be, and probably like you, I change my mind on a daily basis.

Back on track, Chris holds another orientation in some random town square where no one could find them. Why does he stand so far away? Does he have a cold? I feel like I’m watching the The Amazing Race, and every dude is about to bolt in search of a rose. Instead, Phil sends them in search of their hotel.

Like always, we have the obligatory “Here we are in such-and-such,” “Man, I can’t take this anymore,” “That dude is totally not right for her,” and/or “I’m totally getting a one-on-one ‘cause of my boyish good looks.” That one would be Jef, who sounds like he’s waiting for Emily to sign the adoption papers.

And in comes the first date card, and naturally these grown men starting cooing like a bunch of six-year-old girls. Time for Arie to have another run at Emily’s vagina!

On their one-on-one, like most of her dates, Emily has come prepared with her guide book. I feel like she also has one of those passport holders strapped under her shirt like Jamie had in Eurotrip. “Frommer’s says…”

More from Tour Guide Emily later; right now, Arie is clearly too optimistic to find some who speaks English. He also thinks he and Emily could get married in a giant cathedral—yeah, sure, not unless you’re the prince of England, bub!

Moving on, Emily wants to see how Arie rubs his statue. Lots of chafing ensues…

When the show first came back from commercial, I thought Chris was going to tell us that Arie jerked it so much, he succumbed to a tragic, unexpected demise. Instead, he wanted to tell us about Arie and his secret sexual relationship with that really unattractive girl who shouldn’t be on camera. Ever. Again. I thought a troll was attacking Emily. Eeek!

During this interlude, Chris isn’t wearing his ring so he can bang lots of bitches while filming the Bach Pad, but later at the rose ceremony, it’s back on. This was before the news broke, and he was trying to convince America that he wasn’t a playa. Don’t hate his game! Sloppy seconds are better than contaminated quatros.

The rest of Emily and Arie’s date consists of Emily trying to manipulate Arie into divulging the details of incestuous affair, but he’s more interested in revisiting that rubdown on the bridge. However, he does confess to being a moron, at least in so many words. Tattooing someone’s name on your body can never be justified, even if it’s in memoriam. What happens if you die in some freak accident that burns your face off beyond recognition and all that’s left is that name. Then you’re labeled as an already dead person. No way am I going down in history as “Grandma.”

Apparently, there was an off-camera discussion where Arie didn’t feel it was a big deal. Well that doesn’t make for good TV. Cut to the post-fake conversation where Emily is fine and dandy believes everything Arie says.

Arie tells us he thinks about Emily all the time while rubbing his weiner. Emily is flattered and practically hands him her plane ticket to meet his family. To seal the deal, Arie breaks out the big guns—I love you. This guy is fast like the cars he drives. No, Emily, this guy doesn’t “throw around the ‘L’ word.” He just tattoos girlfriends’ names on his body.

Arie: “After that firework display, I totally wanna marry Emily… and rub one out.”

Next one-on-one is doomed from the get-go. When you’re in the final six, and your relationship’s described as a slow start, you might as well load your own suitcase in the limo.

During their date, Emily plays it cool and sits as far away from John as she can. Don’t want to give him the wrong idea when you send him packing. She also looked like she wanted to shake free of his hand.

Making another appearance, Tour Guide Emily reappears to explain the Lennon wall and the lock fence, where John can’t close the lock. Clearly, an obvious metaphor for where these two are headed—the dungeon. Although, I think Emily hinted it was like their relationship. No, really? Didn’t see that one coming!

Meanwhile, in the hotel, Chris develops a drinking problem while obsessing about his dwindling relationship with Emily.

Down in the dungeon, Emily needs John to go deeper; he’s only given her the tip, and clearly she wants the whole package. So, to win over any girl, John starts talking about his exes, and how he once freaked out when one didn’t return his calls. He contacted hospitals and prisons… because in the three days his ex turned her phone off, she was convicted of a felony and PUT AWAY. I think you meant a jail buddy!

John: “I think if you met my parents you’d turn your phone off, too.”

Emily: “Aww, that’s so sweet.”

John returns to the guys, and first thing, all the men want to know about how it was making out with their girlfriend. “Oohs” and “Aahs” ensue. John also mentions that Emily just dropped him off at the hotel, and before Arie can convince his ex-girlfriend producer for more alone time with Emily, Sean races out the building on a desperate mission to find her. It’s almost like the end of a romantic movie except Sean looks sorta crazy and pathetic. And Emily’s walking the streets like a two-bit hooker. Quite the setup! Emily is so glad she did what the producers told her to so that she could make-out with Sean… in the bar… and then the alley… and next thing you know they’re drying humping against a building and the producers are telling them that they can’t air that on ABC—owned by Disney.

I wonder what the other guys thought of Sean’s random exit. He had to give them some sort of excuse: “Pardon me, fellas, I need to clean my pipes. It’ll probably take a couple hours, ‘cause the steroids keep me real horny.”

The next day, or so it seems, Doug wishes he were on the group date with his kid because what could be more romantic?! I’m sure Kalon could give you a few examples that don’t include kids, skirts, or hide-and-seek.

Doug claims he’s old fashioned, but his actions suggest he’s into dudes. How did he ever impregnate a chick?! He is misreading everything, including the words coming out of Emily’s mouth. She’s trying to tell him goodbye, and he thinks she’s panting for his peen. When she finally spells it out for him, all he’s got is: “Have a good one! Toodles!” Once in the limo, dude had more tears than the rain in the sky.

From group date to two-on-one, Emily gives the guys keys for their alone.

Sean: “That’s a big key… that’s a man key!” See, I knew he had a big peen, and it can unlock my box any day.

Meanwhile, Chris should be contemplating therapy for his anxiety. At least he told Emily he was crazy… errrr, going crazy with the lust in his pants! Chris: “Can we make out now? MMM, tastes like Sean.”

Then, Emily has to decide who gets the group date rose but why even bother? She was preaching to Arie about rudeness, but then she makes it super-awkward for Chris. At that point, Chris should have left because he’s clearly not going to top Sean unless he’s got a ten pound cock that emits supersonic orgasms.

Rounding out the dates, Bieber gets the final one-on-one. He tells Emily he once had an Afro, but I can’t imagine it being any bigger than his blowout. And forget CEO of a bottled water company! Jef could puppeteer a string Michael Jackson show.

Emily’s doll: “Omigod, I wanted to ride it… your skateboard, tee hee! Oh no, he’s about to kiss me. Let’s go inside… my VAGINA!”

I can tell you one thing: Jef sure knows how to handle his wooden puppet. In all honesty though, his puppet show was cuter than a puppy in a Pixar film.

Later, Jef tells Emily he broke up with a girl because his parents didn’t like her. Emily panics, realizing she has something in common with his exes—guys have broken up with her because she had a kid. Isn’t that right, Womack?

Awww, Beauty and the Bouffant in the library! And just like the fairytale, kids run screaming from his beastly hair.

Before the date ends, Jef confesses he wanted kids, like, yesterday, but the truth is he might have been telling the truth, since he comes to us with Mormon affiliations.

During the rose ceremony, Chris is stressing because he thinks he didn’t “bring it” on the group date, but I thought he brought a whole lot of f-bombs to the party. So we couldn’t see Chris’s full-on rant, but we could watch as Sean cleaned Emily’s mouth with his tongue??

At this point, Emily doesn’t have any reservations about her decision to eliminate one guy. Newly single Chris Harrison tells the guys of this, and thinks-he’s-soon-to-be-single Chris shits his pants. In the other corner, John gloats like he just sniffed the stripper’s Emily’s panties; that’s because she arrived in her white trash evening wear seen here.

Before she can hand out the last rose, Chris interrupts Emily to lay it on the line: “I’m not really Gerard Butler. I’m just his look-alike.”

Emily appreciates his honesty: “Well, I was gonna give Chris the rose anyway, but after our little chat, I just had to come back so I could watch John wipe that shit-eating grin off his face. I just can’t be with a guy who doesn’t know the difference between a prison and a jail. Every tour guide knows that!”

And with that, Chris practically high-fives the other guys: “Final Four, baby!”

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Hey Romeo, get the eff out!

Posted by emzkbd on June 12, 2012

We arrive in London, where Emily shows off her brand new American Girl Doll… oh wait, that’s Ricki!

Chris greets the remaining bachelors: “One of you guys could be Emily’s husband, but when she dumps your ass, you could be the next Bachelor because that’s how we pick ‘em now—used and abused.” More on that later!

Ryan thinks London is one of the most romantic cities. Yeah, screw the Eiffel Tower! I’ll take a make-out sesh under Big Ben any day. What can I say? I like ‘em thick with the ability to go from six to midnight.

With ten dudes left, it means more cock fights. Finally, this week a dude can count! Arie points out that five guys haven’t had one-on-one dates yet, but Alejandro still believes he’s the ONLY one who hasn’t. No dude, you’re the only man of a different ethnicity left. That might have worked for you on your college application, but I’m guessing not on the reality dating scene. Too bad that lawsuit didn’t work out for those black guys who wanted to be bachelors or you could have been part of a class action.

Sean gets the first one-on-one date of the night, and he’s basically oozes schmooze. Needless to say the guys are intimidated. Jef is worried about their chemistry, but Christian “Greasy” Grey over there is worried about not having “the Kalon control” over the situation.

Emily meets Sean in the park in Trench Coat #1—a tan color with dark trim accompanied by leather gloves. She has an exciting adventure plan—a jolly ol’ ride on a double decker bus. Little does Sean know that Emily has already enjoyed this excursion with her mini-me, although she does applaud his doofy “King of the World” attempt during which he almost tumbles over the side. Wouldn’t that have been a shocking end to the Jack and Rose’s love story?!

The two continue their London sight-seeing, and Emily is clearly destined to be a tour guide. I wonder if a producer is holding up queue cards with those fun facts of the city. I felt like I was watching The History Channel. That and didn’t her momma ever tell her to wear comfortable shoes in situations like that? Oh well, I guess she has “Big Muscles” to carry her around and flash her undercarriage to real tourists.

Back at the hotel, the men are whining about group dates, and Kalon makes a realistic point—any date with Emily is a group date because of Ricki. Valid point, good sir! I don’t know why Not Another Teen Movie and Indy 500 are so shocked. I can only imagine that Kalon was the third wheel and witnessed a lot his mother’s sexing.

Parkside, Sean wants Emily to know that he is naturally selective… and I would naturally select to mate with him. The two stumble across speaker’s circle, and the first thing that comes across Sean’s mind is to embarrass the fooze-nooze out of Emily by preaching about love. He admits he hasn’t found it yet, and the passersby begin disperse out of boredom. Sean says he’s with a beautiful woman, but nobody knows who she is. Sean also says he’s hopeful to find love, which makes Emily soak her undies. I can one-up you honey—every time I LOOK at Sean I cream my panties.

Later, Emily can’t take the sexual tension, so she abducts Sean to be her sex slave… err, prisoner of love, whatever. Some British jibber-jabberer escorts them to their feast in the Tower of London. While it looks romantic, it’s not-so-much-so when Sean finds out Emily plans to chop his head off. Oh no, just another history lesson!

Emily is expecting a whopper, but I think they have some sort of chicken. But honestly, she thinks Sean has some skeletons, but he doesn’t have any bombs to drop on Emily, although I wish he’d drop some bombs in my vagina… the orgasmic kind!

“A rose by any other name would smell as sweet”… and so do my panties, Sean! WINK! Unfortunately for our macho dumbasses, it takes them awhile to figure out what the phrase on the date card means. It’s Shakespeare, and Kalon thinks it smells like shit.

The next conversation with Emily and Sean starts “As you now, I have a six year old daughter” followed by “I do know.” Really, I could have sworn it was an American Doll that she just liked to tote around. Maybe thought she could find some sweet little doll clothes in London!

Emily tells Sean she wants more kids ASAP, and she practically rubs out a sperm sample to be frozen with her last dozen eggs. Sean confesses that being around Emily fills him with a penis… or happiness. But I’d rather be filled with his penis. On the roof, Sean gets points for not asking for permission to kiss her again. I mean, he’s only asked like every previous time.

On the group date, Emily greets the men at Stratford Upon Avon in Trench Coat #2—a thick, light gray number. The men have no idea that they’re about to perform Shakespeare in the park. Emily has been gradually losing her voice throughout the episode, probably from all those blow jays she gave Sean in the Tower of London.

Emily has brought three Shakespearean experts to prep the men for their performance. At this point, I’m hoping to see Leo, Claire and Gwynnie bust out in costume and character, but instead we have three less appealing coaches.

Arie shits his pants, while Kalon can’t be more constipated. All of the other guys have fun with it… clearly having experience with role-play. Kalon recognizes Ryan as stiff competition; of course, it was because he was sporting some rock-hard wood for his make-out scene with Emily.

Obviously, Kalon is digging his own grave, telling Emily to “run along.” If someone talked to my child like that, I’d pull off my earrings, and then I’d rip off his limbs and beat him with them. Oh wait, that comes later! I think Emily got it wrong when she pigeonholed Kalon as a Broadway star… I mean, I don’t think he’s gay, just mean.

The men get suited up, and Nurse Arie and Dame Doug show off their feminine side. John says Emily is the most beautiful Juliet he’s even seen, except that she’s wearing a milkmaid costume.

Kalon looked like he’s about to have a hernia, Doug turned on John with his soft, wet smooch, and Travis stole the show with his sword-fighting. No joke. Just real men. Fighting with their swords. Stabbin’ away. Penetrating with their sharp points. Plunging their blades deep into their enemy.

Now let’s talk about that audience. At first I thought they were poor people, but then I realized they were actual townspeople that must have received payment for their presence. What is it with British people? Middle America gets a bad rep for inbreeding, but it shows on the Brits’ faces—billboard foreheads, caveman teeth, and that doofy look in their eyes like they just shtuped their cousin.

Intermission: Have you heard? Roberto is slated to be the next Bachelor. Discuss.

Next up, Ryan plants one on Emily and then comically steals another. It goes without saying that all the guys were totes jealous. Hey, it’s not like he slipped her his peen, but that could have been later in Cox’s Yard. Kinda surprised that ABC let Emily take her all-male posse to a cock yard.

Here, Emily lets Arie play dentist and check her molars. Then Ryan presents her with a turquoise necklace, to which Emily loses her shit and swoons with delight. Guess some girls really are suckers for jewelry! What she doesn’t know is that Ryan is an avid supporter of the “Every Kiss Begins with Kay” campaign. Definitely not the first time he’s had a little something in his pocket for her.

Now’s where it gets good! Kalon is whimpering about how he has to spend time with a sick, nursing mother when he would rather be the one sucking on that teet. Well dem guys think dem’s fightin’ words! They rally, and Deputy Doug hits the roof and confronts Kalon, who stands by his assessment. No language barrier here! Just a straight up douche-nozzle!

And because he craves more applause for his heroism, Deputy Doug rides up to Miss Emily and divulges the whole nasty tale, to which Emily has a heart attack followed by a Tourette’s outburst—West Virginia hood-rat backwoods style. Deputy Doug and Miss Emily put Outlaw Kalon on the spot in front of the rest of the gunslingers.

Miss Emily gives it to him good: “Let me talk! I love to hear you talk, but not until I’m done. I got that line from you… Now get the fuck out!” I think Kalon peed a little out of fear. Hell, even I shit my pants after watching this, as my friends can attest.

When it comes to a reality TV bitch slap, she really let him have it, but it’s the fallout that was a cheap shot. Emily took the pouting and witchhunt a little over-the-top. Sorry Deputy Doug, no reward handy for your standup heroics. In fact, Emily completely forgets that you had her back when you brought this nonsense to her attention. And Emily, come on, if you didn’t have baggage, you’d be flying with a carry-on and co-chairing the mile-high club with Britney Spears, but no, you both have baggage. Fortunately, there are guys like Sean who will willingly push your luggage cart through the airport.

After that fiasco, Emily wanders the streets like a two-bit hooker, only to return to tell the guys she can’t hand out the rose because they were secretly conspiring to bring Kalon to the final two. Like in Survivor, everyone knows you bring the most hated player to the end because he won’t get any votes… or roses. I guess Bachelor Ben doesn’t take tips from other reality shows.

The next day Emily lets Ricki latch on to the teet that Kalon wanted. Sometimes it seems like Ricki has special needs.

Emily: What is your favorite thing that you’ve seen so far?

Ricki: The Brickingham Palace.

Emily: The Buckingham Palace?

Ricki: The Brickingham Palace.

Emily: Well, aren’t you a smart one. Who lives there?

Ricki: The king and the dragon.

Emily: No, the Queen lives there, goose.

Ricki: And the dragon.

Emily: I think it’s time to take your meds, platypus.

The final date of the evening belongs to Jef. Emily arrives in Trench Coat #3—a stark white ensemble with a pink scarf belt. The two delight in an afternoon of tea with Jean, the English crumpet Nazi… err teacher. Jef is boss of the tea, and Jean is boss of his peen: “Just lift it up a little bit in case it pops over the top… and the spout should go toward the person that’s the host. Clearly Jef has a raging boner for you Miss Emily, although with my presence I’m sure it’s more like a floner, a.k.a. floppy boner… so Emily, turn it round, back that ass up for Jeffy boy.”

Jef is pleased with how “thorough” Jean is but would prefer a little space, especially after her next comment. “You put the jam on… really give it to her in the ass. I call this move ‘The Strawberry Jam’.”

Jean: “If I decide to go to the loo, please don’t give her a slap and tickle without me standing by to watch.”

Jef: “Well, I’d like to set her on the corner of the table.”
Jean: “No… on the seat. Right, I’ll leave you two to practice the British version of reverse cowgirl—‘the milkmaid cometh’. Carry on, you two.” (Jean exits.)

Emily: “I want to try a move called ‘Peanut Butter & Jelly with the Crust,’ and then I wanna stick your cake in my pocketbook. Peace, Jean.”

They proceed, sans Jean, to a pub without cocks in the yard, where Jef confesses he, too, didn’t have her back. This time, Emily takes it easy on him. Maybe it was the suave comment about the Chloe handbag, which I didn’t know is actually a designer handbag. Jef, are you sure you’re not a closet flamer? You’re straight friends clearly haven’t been able to talk you outta that hairstyle, but evidently it’s a turn-on for Emily.

Their next stop is the London Eye for dessert, which seemingly goes uneaten. I was ready to lunge through the television and dig in. Jef asks Emily where she sees herself in a year, and she does not hesitate to say “HOOKED UP.” Jef proceeds to take a page from Sean and lays it on thick, kissing her ass… and Jean wasn’t even there to critique him.

Emily asks Jef if he’s prepared to have Emily and Ricki move cross-country to Salt Lake City, to which I scoff. No way, she’s moving her ass anywhere. She didn’t do it for Brad, and she’s not gonna do it for one of these schmo’s. Mark my words. Of course, Jef gives the most homosexual response: “Dance parties every night!” Riiiiiight. If he’s not gay, he should definitely be a suspect on To Catch a Predator. Just sayin’…

Somehow, Jef’s honesty earns him a rose, and he nearly blows his chance at a first kiss. Rather than ask for it, he takes it, like a man, and gives Arie a run for his dental services.

During the cocktail party, the guys are reeling from Kalon’s departure and John’s decision to wear red pants. Emily grills the guys, and they squirm like babies with dirty diapers. Ryan, though, tries to woo her one last time with another Romeo rendition, and Emily falls hook, line and sinker.

At the rose ceremony, Emily only has to send one guy home, and Lady Gaga would be disappointed. Poor Ale, Alejandro, the psychedelic mushroom farmer is sent packin’. He had about two minutes of airtime in the whole episode, so again, not a big surprise. I’m sure he’ll find his Princess Peach under a toadstool.

Next week is basically every girl’s wet dream come true. I mean, every time I hear that phrase, I think, it would be perfect if we were dry-humping in Croatia. And to make it even more marvelous, Emily has another meltdown and runs into the arms of Chris Harrison… naturally. He’s just so big and strong, and he poops rainbows. What more could a girl want? Stay tuned for more re-caps. And if you really want to laugh your bum off, check out the parody of The BachelorBurning Love.

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If Superheroes Got Roses…

Posted by emzkbd on June 5, 2012

Let’s face it! Last night’s show wasn’t that riveting. Maybe because we really want to see who Emily tells to eff off next week, which I already know (yes, I couldn’t resist the week-by-week spoilers). But one thing episode4 did showcase was the bachelor’s likenesses to some superheroes. Let’s take a journey back to who saved the day and who fell to their evil nemesis—man tears.

Now the bachelors weren’t the only ones suiting up. Even our host The Phantom Chris Harrison, in his purple shirt (damn, wish I had a pic of this), creeps around the mansion until his it’s his moment to come out of the shadows. You know, a nickname for the Phantom is “The Man Who Cannot Die,” and it sure seems like Chris will host this show until he’s in the grave, still pooping rainbows of delight for young 20- and 30-something women looking for love.

Anyway, Chris lures the guys out from their man cave to announce the destination for the upcoming week of dates—Bermuda. Now I think it’s obvious that poor Michael hasn’t had much screen time, so perhaps that’s the reason he chose to emulate Wonder Woman  and stand out with that doofy yellow headband . Cut your hair man! Emily clearly doesn’t like chicks with dicks.

Cut to the beach—where the cameraman appears to have captured a close-up of Ricki’s name in the sand, which looks like “ick” on the beach. Reminds me of Ben and Courtney skinny dipping in Puerto Rico.

Emily says “I’m looking for a husband for my daughter”… wait that came out wrong. Emily, are you sure want a husband for Ricki? “Of course, ya’ll. She was the same age as me when I got engaged and my fiancée tragically perished in a flying race car. It’s time she learned how to push a baby stroller.”

Meanwhile, the dudes roll up the only way a super hero should… on scooters. Alejandro recognizes he needs to step it up this week. Unfortunately, I googled Hispanic superheroes, and nothing came up. Your time will come my friend. Maybe Lady Gaga could use you as a cameo in her remix of that song. Although I’m sure you wouldn’t stand out there either. I mean, come on! The guy clearly doesn’t do basic math: I’m one of the only guys who hasn’t had a one-on-one. Uh, I think only 3 or 4 guys have gotten those dates, leaving another 10 without ‘em.

In the hotel, the guys are taunting Doug about his first one-on-one. Dude drops enough f-bombs to alert child services. He warns the other guys not to make him because they wouldn’t want to see him when he’s angry. Before he has the chance to transform into his alter ego, Emily arrives and has Dougie acting like a 10 year old boy. “You look very purdy!” Durt durt durt. Looks like we have one other who knows his comic, as Arie’s impression is spot on: “Doug angry! Doug smash! Doug sad!” Sorry Doug, charity work does not mean you’ll be cast as Superman in this series. Just smile!

On their date, Emily and Bruce Banner write his son a letter. “Oh-ma-god, let’s do it, then we’ll give each other facials and manicures.” Then ABC makes up some Bermudian tradition like they did with that love clock in West Virginia two weeks ago. Blah blah blah! Later Emily inquires “What happens on your bad days?” and Bruce starts to turn a shade of green because his perfect answers aren’t fooling her anymore.

Emily: “You’re too great of a dad—why don’t you beat your kid? You don’t clean my car enough? Wax my hood… and by hood I mean labia.”

Doug: “Hey, I’m just a guy standing in front of a girl asking her to be the mother of his child! I’m not a genius but I’m not a dummy! I’m not rich, but I’m not poor! I’m not a porn star in bed, but I’m not poppin’ Viagra either! What are your faults?”

Emily: “I don’t work out, so in Ryan’s world I’m bound to be a fat-ass.”

Doug: “Ok, yea, so? More to love! Bring on the rhino!”

Emily: “There are some days I don’t get outta my pajamas, and I need to pop a Prozac.”

Doug: “Sign me up, Debbie Downer.”

Emily swoons. The Hulk may be the perfect guy… if he doesn’t smash her face when he gets angry. After she gives him the rose, they have a staring contest. Doug is suppressing his wet dream in which he kisses her, and Emily is biting her lip like Ana Steele waiting for Christian Grey to plant one on her. Probably would have had more luck if he had asked to kiss her. (More Fifty Shades to come!)

For the group date, the Avengers take on the Justice League set sail on the sea of love.  Leading the Avengers (red), Captain America Sean  with his classic good looks and chiseled physique, and on the opposing side (yellow) Two-Face(d)  Arie. Well, he was one of Batman’s villains, so it seems fitting.

Joining the Justice League is newcomer Justin Bieber, whose hair  has definitely set a precedent as more uncontrollable than Donald Trump’s toupee!

From her dinghy, Emily cringes as she watches her superheroes compete. Doncha know, more people die in boating accidents than race car crashes every year. Wonder if that’s a fact? Anyway, the red team is ahead most of the way, but then Bieber’s bouffant catches the wind and whisks the yellow team into first place. They take it by just a few hairs!

Ryan does his best Jim Carrey impersonation, chanting la-hoo-suh-hers, which is clearly the cause of Charlie’s waterworks. Guess that makes him… Red Tornado? I have no idea either.

At the after party, Ryan cheers to Emily (aww), his future trophy wife (eww), but Two-Face steps in and says all the right things, while brushing hair from her face and locating her tonsils. “When I kiss Emily, everything disappears… I want it to mean something… I’m not threatened by any of the other guys.” Why haven’t Arie and Courtney Robertson crossed paths? Power couple alert… assuming neither succeeds at a current Bachelor relationship.

Bieber’s back! He whisks Emily to the beach.. Somehow this union reminds me of a sk8tr boi and teen mom. “Kiss my bloody finger!” And then there’s that.

While they’re on the beach, the two seem to be having a moment while the breeze blows their blonde locks awry. Emily is anticipating her first kiss with Jef, but unfortunately she’s striking out. Looks like these guys could have taken a page from Chris and asked her for a kiss. The clock’s not going to strike midnight, although Jef sure hurried his ass off that beach. Maybe he was afraid of catching crabs. Brad Womack knows; he dodged that bullet.

Other superheroes dodge bullets too, but our next one seems to have created a web of bullshit. Douchebag Ryan is ready to get his flirt on with Emily, build up that excitement. “As the bachelorette she’s been given a great responsibility, and I want to see her do a lot with it.” Apparently someone thinks he’s the Amazing Spider Man . Did you get that piece of advice from Ben Parker?

And Emily is sure hearing the words comin’ outta his mouth. “Being good is not enough… I have a very mature approach to relationships… I’m not here to impress you but to make an impression on you… with my peen. I like your butt. God designed you to be a beautiful woman, so be a beautiful woman.” I’m wondering if he’s confused chauvinistic with flirtatious.

Then it gets really weird. “I had a hard time the other night because no one was there to relieve my erection. I’ve been praying for you to use this opportunity to impact tons of people, like Mother Teresa or Jenna Jameson did, so I can bang ‘em all when the shows over.” Emily feels Spidey is judging her. No shit Sherlock! 98.7% of America is judging you and your overzealous lip-locking needs.

You can tell Emily is dreading the two-on-one date with John and Nate, so she attempts to catch chickens on the beach. Not an easy task as I know from experience. Nate confesses he recently had a break-up, which means he will probably talk about his ex. In the opposite corner, John feels left out because all of his friends are married with kids, so he’s looking for the first available woman. Looks like you picked a good one! Clearly, the odds are in your favor here.

Nate’s optimistic approach to the date: “It’s the most time I’ve spent with Emily… kinda sucks having another guy on your date.” Not unless you’re into dudes, but thank you for that insight, Captain Obvious! You two are not worthy of superhero identities.

As the date winds down, Emily wants to see whose pants she can make tighter so she chose to wear white pants into a damp, dark cave. During their meail, Emily doesn’t know who to look at. “Is this quinoa?” Hey, it’s keen-WAH, biznatches, not kih-NO-ah! Something I learned off a menu last weekend! “It’s very good fiber!” Such wonderful conversation these three have! You can hear water dripping from the cave teets…

Before the big reveal, Emily pulls each guy aside. Nate pulls a Charlie, only here he confesses his homosexuality on national TV. “My brother is the most amazing guy… (sob)… my friends are like amazing… (tears)” … “Aww, you poor thing, but no punani for you” … “Cheers!” Guess Nate should have taken his Midol before the date.

Meanwhile, John doesn’t want to be a floater in the pack. Well, at least you’re not the biggest turd in the bunch. I think Kalon and Ryan are fighting for that title. Needless to say, I don’t think Emily’s going to pick a guy who’s shed more tears thus far than she has, so she gives the rose to John while Nate contemplates what he did wrong with a smile on his face. Doug would be proud!

At the rose ceremony cocktail party, Ryan gets some more time to schmooze Emily. “There you go touching my leg… giving me a boner!” He thinks God has blessed him, and he needs to find Emily worthy of his steroid-shriveled cock. Is there anyone who would really want this douche-nozzle as the Bachelor?

In the other room, the greasy and talented Mr. Ripley  (look at that, if those two had a baby, it would be Kalon), Jef the polo player, and the other men strategize to have Arie intercept Emily from Ryan and his manipulative ways.

Emily makes the rounds, kissing all the bachelors to decide who has the softest lips to keep around. Poor, Alejandro. It’s an uphill battle for him next week. Anyone honestly think this is the guy she’s going to pick? The dead tributes in the Hunger Games had more airtime.

The Doug and Chris showdown (“Hulk Smash” versus “This-is-Sparta!”) isn’t as exciting as it seemed; these two have been at it since their “age-is-just-a-number” squabble. In fact, I started tuning out in anticipation of Love in the Wild 2. Yep, not kidding! Again, coulda told ya Michael was going since he was basically the strong, silent type all episode, and Charlie, well he seemed a bit socially awkward… like have-you-seen-my- baseball?

Don’t worry though! Next week should start to get more exciting, and if it doesn’t, just know that the finale is expected to be a real doozy. In the meantime, I’m reading Fifty Shades of Grey, as I hinted, and I’m watching lots of movies. I plan on incorporating a few reviews for those as well.

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