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Posts Tagged ‘The Women Tell All’

Sex Tie Breaker?

Posted by emzkbd on February 26, 2013

The beginning of the end starts in Thailand. Sean: “These are my last three girls… sex tie breaker?”

Final two

Sean lounges around—literally, in a wifebeater in a hammock—while he recaps his journey with each of the women. Blah, blah, blah. This is when I started drinking! And then it happened—Bachelor Nation Speaks Out via Twitter. One of the first tweets said “Jennifer Lawrence loves The Bachelor“, making Chris Harrison poop more than rainbows.

Sean goes for a swim… to clear his head. I don’t know why he didn’t just spank it. His first date is with Lindsay, and they go to the market. One tweeter says her dad is addicted to the show. Now in my viewing party, almost all the girls chimed in that their dads watch it, too. See future husbands of American women what you have to look forward to in your older age!

Sean and Lindsay sample various foods. Upon watching the season, Lindsay will say: “Why didn’t Sean buy ME an eternity bracelet?” Apparently, Lindsay said she wouldn’t eat bugs, so in true Survivor-fashion, they eat ‘em. Bugs Lindsay looks like she can’t get enough water through her straw. At least her torch won’t be snuffed tonight!

Sean attributes Lindsay to a “high school sweetheart”. Little does he know she’s still in high school. Their date continues on a beach with monkeys. Monkeys Lindsay throws someone’s intestines grapes at ‘em. They proceed to make out for the monkeys. Monkey see, monkey do it—monkey-style!

The date concludes with dinner and a show. Sean asks Lindsay if she’d move to Dallas, and she says yes. But why do the women have to move? Just because he has his own show, they have to pick up and relocate? How pre-feminist movement, Sean!

All of a sudden, dancers emerge with crazy long (fake) fingernails. These chicks are bendy. No wonder men love Asians! Apparently, this put Sean in the mood because he busts out the Fantasy Suite card, and Lindsay doesn’t hesitate. Not sure what they’re going to do, but one tweeter might have it right: “Have praying and fantasy suite ever been used in the same sentence?”

I had to explain the Fantasy Suite to my Bachelor Virgin friend—no, not Sean Lowe! It’s where the Bachelor/ette takes each of his/her final three to talk, make out and seductively clothes the door or draw the shades just as things are getting good. Unless you’re Viena Girardi who throws on lingerie and gets the party started while the cameras are still there!

Lindsay chokes (on a bug?) while trying to tell Sean how she feels about him, but then she catches her second wind and purrs “I love you”. Sean loves hearing her saying that, even though she’s only said it one time.

The next day, AssLee is ready to spend the day with “the love of her life” on a boat. She says she’s like “a schoolgirl in love”. What are with these references? Does Sean have a fetish?

Their destination is the Emerald Cave, and they have to swim through it to get to their private beach. AssLee is scared and wants to ensure they have a “floaty-thing”. Uhhh, I think you’ll be fine—you have two! AssLee brings up her fear of abandonment as if Sean were going to leave her stranded in this cave.

Another tweet says the producers love getting Sean wet this season, but I think their real objective was to get their demographic—ladies age 18-34—wet this season. The camera cuts to a sign written in Thai (presumably)—beware the cave! But in they go! Haven’t you people seen The Descent?! I swore I saw a person in there with them. Or maybe it was just a cameraman creepin’!

AssLee talks about letting go or else “you won’t fall in love”, but if it were me in that cave, I wouldn’t let go of anything! Then they see “the light at the end of the tunnel”! Could it be the end of your relationship? Or is that too much foreshadowing?

Once they emerge, my first thought is “sex on the beach”. Again, if it were me, I’d tell the cameramen to take a hike because that’s once in a lifetime, for sure. Just don’t forget to put a towel or two down.

AssLee says she’s ready to say yes to Sean’s proposal and she doesn’t think there are two more human beings more right for each other. Hmm, I could think of two…

Another dinner date on the beach with these two makes me worry there will be more vocal expressions of affection in the form of screaming. Sean tells her that if he gets down on one knee, it means he will spend the rest of his life with you. Can we hold you to that, Sean?

During this portion of their date, my group of lady-friends was trying to figure out what AssLee’s necklace said. Asshat? Eggnest? Note: Possessionista.com says it’s “gypset” which refers to the “boho, casual California lifestyle.” Ok….

Sean has other things on his mind as he hands AssLee the Fantasy Suite card. He wants her to know what his intentions are—dry-humping like rabbits—without any distractions—all night! AssLee is down with that, but she doesn’t want to cross any boundaries, i.e. no heavy petting. {sad face} Does that mean he’ll have to get her off with a flower like in 40 Days and 40 Nights?

AssLee says she’s going to follow her heart and her heart is telling her she wants to spend time alone with Sean. Suuuuuuure, your heart’s telling you that! Pffft! Then, she drops this gem: “I like a cushion ring with diamonds all the way around on the band, and I think my ring size is 6.5… I definitely know what I want… and that’s more screen time.”

Sean’s third and final date takes him and Catherine on a jug boat, where Catherine plays “queen” of the world. Leo would be proud! Sean loves her weirdness.

Their dialogue continues, and it’s all “I’m a commitment-phobe”, “I haven’t been this vulnerable”, “I get scared”.  Then they backflip into the water, and Sean grabs her ass. My friends and I have determined he’s an ass-man as he’s grabbed a lot of booty in this episode. They get back on the boat and make out in the rain. Catherine says “I’m, like, in the clouds right now” as lightning strikes.

The date progresses to dinner where they enjoy Mai Tais, or as I like to call them “Thai Tais”. Sean asks her what their lives would look like in five years, and Catherine says “I wouldn’t be surprised if a kid was involved.” What are you going to kidnap one? Or are you talking about the annoying neighbor kid who always shows up on your doorstep?

In this midst of this conversation, a tweet pops up that says “Sean wonders if Catherine can settle down and start a family. Her mouth says yes. Her nose piercing says, ‘I’m outta here.’” She is the weirdest person, which makes all this “traditional” talk confusing. What about a nose ring is traditional?

At this time, it’s time to discuss the Fantasy Suite. “Before I even came… in my panties… I was thinking about the Fantasy Suite. There’s no way I would do that. I wouldn’t let myself do that. I wanted to make sure that I was still seen as a lady… not like the whore writing this post.”

Sean: “I love hearing you say that… [I just want] uninterrupted hours of finger-dipping and nob-noshing… just you and me.” Catherine accepts. The two of them depart for the room and their boring night of patty-cake. Catherine confesses she never thought a boy like Sean would like a girl like her. Honey, we already went over this. He has a thing for Asians. Nail-cam reveals her accent nail.

Meanwhile, Catherine tells Sean that she’d been made fun of a lot in her life, like “You’re chubby or you eat too much.” Soooo girls like me have a shot with a hunky, beefy guy like Sean? Sean: “You’re are smokin’ hot. I’m the lucky one.” Aww, so sweet! Now take off your shirt!

Catherine: “Sean has continually made me comfortable and feel safe to be completely myself and exploring anything with him… like our sexuality. When I look in Sean’s eyes, something visceral happens… in my loins.”

Then something really strange happened! They went back to the mansion in L.A. where Chris Harrison appeared to have something important to tell us. Nope! He duped us with a sneak peek of Oz: The Great and Powerful. Sneaky, sneaky, Mr. Harrison!

The next day, a half-naked Sean says he knows who he has to send home and he is dreading it. Before he drops the guillotine, he sits down with Dr. Chris, who reminds him that this was the week Sean went home on Emily’s season. Chris asks Sean if he can see his wife there, and when Sean says yes, Chris looks like he’s been blown away by the most confounding idea. That or maybe he actually believes the hype that Sean’s proposal will make it to the altar.

Sean: “It’s mind-blowing to even think about this… I actually get to have sex again.”

Chris leaves Sean with the very personal video messages, and as one tweeter says, “time for Sean to consult the pictures.” As the first message rolls, another tweeter says “I’m waiting for Sean to be all like, ‘We’re in Thailand so Phuket, ROSES FOR EVERYONE.’”

Lindsay, in her baby-talk voice, says “I met you in a wedding dress, and maybe soon I’ll be wearing one again for you.” From baby talk to baby doll, Catherine calls Sean a “mega-hunk” and says he gives her “the wiggles”. That sounds racist. Lastly, AssLee starts talking about her wall and her obsession with Sean, and then the tears start flowing. Video message I can’t believe no one edited this out. They can edit Arie’s flubs last season, but not her emotional breakdown. As this last video finishes, Sean’s thinking, “Oh great, I have to send the basket case home after that.”

Sean equates the rain to AssLee’s tears. I find it funny how he and she are wearing the same color—burgundy. The only difference is AssLee’s chesticles are boldly on display. It even looks like she cut a slit in her dress to reveal more cleavage.

Before he hands out the roses, Lindsay says Fuck, Shit, or Cunt. It had to be one of those! No worries, though, because she got the first rose. From there, it became the longest rose ceremony ever. Sean stood their holding the final rose for what seemed like forever.

Sean 2

Cut to Catherine: “Is it me? Pick me. Is it me? I don’t know.”

Cut to AssLee: “It has to be me. I’m praying to Jesus. I don’t know. Is it me?”

Sean picks up the rose. Both women are like “Pick me, pick me, pick me…”

Cut to Sean: “Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God…”

Cut to Catherine: “Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God…” Catherine

Cut to rose: “Oh God, just pick one already!”

the rose

Cut to AssLee: “It better be me, it better be me, it better be me…”

AshLee

Cut to Sean: “I guess I should say something, but nothing’s happening…”

Cut to Catherine: “It’s not me, it’s not me, it’s not me. Why didn’t I blow him?”

Sean: “And now I bow my head in prayer and hope to God she doesn’t cut off my manhood!”

And the final rose goes to Catherine, leaving AssLee glaring at Sean. They walk out, while the other women are confused that she didn’t say goodbye. Lindsay and Catherine Lindsay: “She’s pissed.” Well, in that moment, I can’t imagine you care about the future wife of the man who just broke up with you.

AssLee tells Sean to “just stay here.” He wants to explain himself, and she hears him out with the look that sank a thousand ships. Stone-cold bitch! Stone-cold bitch She hops in the car, seemingly unfazed. As the car drives away, I’m thinking, really, you can cry through every episode but then you can’t shed a tear when he dumps your ass. My sister said that’s because she’s a happy crier, but eventually the tears came and she shied away from the camera.

AssLee: “It’s hard saying goodbye to Sean because I let him in…to my vagina.” Ok, ok, ok… maybe not there, but he certainly couldn’t handle all of her emotion, so he sent her somewhere she could deal with them—The Women Tell All. See you next week for what is sure to be a Tierrable talkathon.

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Nobody will take my sparkle!

Posted by emzkbd on February 12, 2013

This week, Sean wanted to break the rules and fly with all the women to St. Croix because he’s very optimistic that he’ll find his wife and a plane ride might solidify that.

When they arrive at the resort, Tierra pulls out a cot. “I’m not friend with girls who like my boyfriend, and I don’t share beds with them either.”

AssLee gets the first date card and admits she gets emotionally carried away with Sean. Tierra: “The cougar’s back in town.” Finally, someone else agrees she looks like Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, and as for the cougar talk, 32 is one of the oldest bachelorettes we’ve seen make it this far. Makes me feel old!

Sean says AssLee has the biggest heart and the second biggest titties left, apart from Tierra’s. After witnessing a whole lotta sideboob from her last night, AshLee's sideboob I also noticed how perfectly perky her boobies are, which makes me think they’re fake. AssLee uses Sean and her flotation devices to swim out to a catamaran, but not before the camera guy checks out Ass’s ass.

At the resort, the women speculate about AssLee’s date and plot rolling Tierra’s cot into the ocean.  Meanwhile, Sean asks AssLee about the “drama” in the house. AssLee wastes no time confessing the antics of Miss Pouty Pants. She also confesses that she’s dreamt of waking up next to Sean. The next scenes show them dry humping in the sand and grinding in the water. Sure that’s the only thing you dream of, AssLee?

Later, the date card arrives for Tierra. She hopes Sean is “saving something” for her—like his revirginized peen. Born again virgin What a cockamamie story—emphasis on the cock! Someone can be heard cooing “Awww jelly belly” and it makes me want candy! Tierra sounds like Selma, whining about every last detail: “Being attacked by bugs, the sweatiness, and my makeup dripping off… frizzy hair, dizziness, my oozy tampon… that’s not fun or cool… I love boating and being on the water, so why I can’t we repeat Cougar Town’s date instead of walking around some lame town?”

To conclude the episode’s first date, Sean and AssLee have dinner on the beach, where she has a serious confession to drop. She definitely drags this one out: “He needs to know all about me… this is definitely gonna be a make-or-break… I really just want to breeze through this… I just wanna say it and be done with it… I’m sorry for this… so fifteen years ago… I was having a really hard time in life… I had a boyfriend at the time… things were really difficult with my mom and I… and I got a sex change operation married at seventeen.”

Sean: “So you wanted to be on Teen Mom?”

AssLee: “I don’t want to be this broken boy girl who comes to you.”

Sean: “I had no idea what you were about to say. I thought you were going to tell me something terrible… like you were a dude!”

AssLee was nervous to tell Sean about her previous lifestyle relationship. Then, she stands on her chair and screams “I love Dick Sean!” Ashlee screaming She proceeds to drop the ‘L’ word a half-dozen times. At this point, Sean can’t wait for his date with Miss Pouty Pants.

Sean: “Is Tierra the sweet girl that I thought she was or is she not so nice?” This is turning into the plot of some raunchy wannabe Santa porn.

Sean and Tierra have some coladas before browsing the marketplace. Sean throws money around to impress her. He buys her an eternity bracelet, and she gushes, thinking he’s going to drop to one knee like they do in those effing “Marry Me Monday” advertisements. They turn a corner, and music is blasting as a real parade heads their direction. Tierra: “BLACK PEOPLE! RUN! They’ll try to steal my bracelet. Tierra dancing Oh wait, I love to dance and have fun! Look! It’s Sean Paul!”

After the street powwow, Tierra wants a snow cone. Sean wants one, too, so she pouts.

Tierra: “No matter how hard I try to be who I am to the girls, they don’t want to accept it, and I think it’s because they’ve been pissed off since I got that first rose. I got the rose, and now Courtney Robs and I can be besties.”

Sean: “You think it’s more of a jealousy thing?”

Tierra: “I don’t know… like I try to talk to them when I sit by myself in a corner with a smug look on my face.”

Sean: “If you could do it over again, would you act differently in front of the other girls?”

Tierra: “These girls aren’t gonna be around for much longer… because I plan on stabbing them all in their sleep!”

The rest of their date goes much the same way AssLee’s did—except Tierra doesn’t scream out her affections for Sean like an epileptic. Instead, she tells him she feels “behind in the game.” Like… do not pass Go… do not collect $200? But Sean flat out tells her that their lack of development may have something to do with the drama in the house.

After the third date card arrives for Cat, Dez, and Lindz, it’s obvious Les gets the last one-on-one. She wants to be locked in a closet with Sean playing Seven Minutes in Heaven or doin’ it doggy-style on Tierra’s cot.

Back on the date, Tierra now knows someone threw her under the bus, so she does what any scrambler would do—whispers to Sean that she is falling in love with him.

Sean: “I’ve finally come to the conclusion that she’s probably not nice to the other women, but she’s being genuine when she says she’s here for me and her handies aren’t bad either.” Some people are so jaded!

What comes next has to be a test! Sean asks if she wants to run into the ocean—like some other biatch we know. She passed on all counts because she wouldn’t dive in—probably because it would mess up her hair, wash her makeup off, get sand in her kuka shell, etc.

The next morning, Sean wants to surprise the group daters without their makeup on. Sean says they look better than he does in the morning. Really, Sean! Do you wear makeup when you leave the house then? I like Catherine, who’s like, “I just need to pee and I’m good to go.” On the other hand, I agree with Lindsay because I would want to shave my pits, too.

The group date will take them from one side of the island for sunrise to the other side for sunset. Such a romantic moment to share with the man of your dreams and two other women! Dez wanted some lip action, but I guess a four-way kiss was outta the question, huh ABC?

Sean loves road head trips, and how couldn’t you if you’re a guy with three hot chicks all ready to blow you?! Lindsay admits she doesn’t take a lot of guys home, but I think all women in America would agree Sean is one to take home, tie down, and saddle up.

Along their excursion, they stop at a tree house, where Dez wastes no time with the “tie down” part, lassoing him to a tree and monopolizing his time. This bothers the other two girls who also wanted to reenact a scene from Fifty Shades of Grey. Sugarcane would make a good whip, right?

Their final stop highlights Lindsay’s pimple. Sean and Lindsay are reminiscing about how far they’ve come, but all I can see and hear is that pimple saying “POP ME!” Pimple

Somehow Catherine finds time to converse with Sean, and once again she drops another traumatic story on him. Her father was abused by his stepfather, and he attempted to commit suicide in front of her and her sisters. Then they see dolphins, and it’s all rainbows and butterflies again.

Back at the resort, Lesley and AssLee are speculating who will get the rose and if Tierra will confront AssFace. Editing makes it appear that Tierroist is eavesdropping and “enough is enough”, bitches!

Dez is really gunning for the rose on the group date, so she plays the weepy card—“My family’s, like, everything to me.” Unfortunately, the sob stories of the date don’t pull at Sean’s heart strings as much as Lindsay’s throbbing pimple, but fortunately the sun sets fast enough so we don’t have to glimpse it anymore.

On the last date, Sean shows up in salmon-colored shorts, and (what a coincidence!) Lesley meets him in a salmon-colored skirt—something “right out of a movie.” Sean is a little unsure about his relationship with Lesley, so to figure if they pick they venture into a secret garden to pick an avocado.

Lesley admits she thinks the women on this show are fools, but she herself has become one of those women—she wants to tell Sean that she’s falling for him, buuuuut she chokes. There are some awkward silences, some more fruit-picking, a passionate kiss, and then it’s over.

The next day, Sean’s sister Shay arrives for a surprise visit. “You don’t want to break their hearts, but their hearts will get broken and they’ll get over it, just like yours was broken and you got over it.” Truer words were never spoken on this show! Shay doesn’t want Sean to end up with “that one”.

At that same moment, “that one” and AssLee are having a chitchat about Tierra’s character. Tierra doesn’t want to sit around with a 32-year-old talking about high school stuff. Tierra: “Girls are jealous. Men love me.” Meanwhile, Shay doesn’t want Sean to end up with the girl no one likes.

Tierra storms off and then storms back in. AssLee is pissed because Tierra doesn’t say good morning, or swap makeup tips, or share bikini bottoms (i.e. AssLee’s two-toned bikini), or appreciate her cookies (a clip we STILL haven’t seen). Tierra insists AssLee intended to sabotage her time with Sean because, let’s face it, who doesn’t want that bitch gone?

AssLee is tired of Tierra’s blank stares and raised eyebrow, but Tierra can’t help those things because that’s just how her face works without Botox. Huh? Isn’t that the other way around?

Sparkle

Clearly we missed a conversation this season in which Tierra must have talked about her parents. AssLee says even Tierra’s parents were worried about her coming on the show because she can’t get along with other girls. Tierra denies this because she has “a sparkle”. She says her parents said, “Do not let those bitches take your sparkle away.” She continues: “If I could walk around with a smile on 24/7, I would, but my face would get frickin’ tired.” Didn’t we learn in grade school that it takes more muscles to frown than smile?

While this is happening, Sean decides to go and get Tierra so that she can meet his sister. He’s clueless as he strolls to her room.

Tierra: “I have been put through a lot. Maybe not an orphanage, or death by falling tree, or suicidal parents, or losing an arm in the womb, but bitches try to steal my sparkle.”

Sean finds Tierra sobbing. “Once again, it’s the Tierra show!” He wants her to meet someone, but their date has been heavy on her heart, which forced her to confront AssLee for sabotaging their relationship.  Sean takes a moment to ponder his actions; his sister told him that if a girl cannot get along with other girls then that’s trouble. Men take note!

Sean returns to Tierra’s side to confess that the “someone” is his sister, and she completely falls apart in the you-did-that-for-me sort of way. Tierra 3 But instead reassuring her as he’s done before, he drops the guillotine and tells her it’d be best if she went home to crazytown. What’s even more shocking is that this time she doesn’t urge him to keep her!

Sean says he didn’t see it coming, which he would have had he seen the footage, but he’s not shocked that it happened, either, because she hasn’t taken her Midol.

Sean: “I think the world of you.”

Tierra: “Obviously not enough!” Take that, Seanie! And then in the limo minivan: “I can’t believe they did this to me. I hope the girls got what they wanted.” Oh, I think they did, and so did the rest of America! “Nobody will take my sparkle away!” Sparkle on, sista!

On to the rose ceremony, or so they think! More speculating on what may have happened! Lindsay: “I think she cried and said ‘This is so hard!’” Dez: “’All the girls are so mean to me!’” AssLee thinks her ass is on the line because of her connection to the drama. Sean arrives to explain the day’s events and informs them that Tierra’s gone to a better place—Bachelor Pad.  Oh please, oh please, oh please!

He also tells them he’s passing on a cocktail party because he can’t face Lesley and her awkward silences anymore. Catherine takes it the hardest because, like me, she wanted Sean to pick Lesley. So sad we won’t see her again until the WTA in a few weeks, but in the meantime, I’ll be rooting for her as my numero uno pick for The Bachelorette. Let’s start the campaign!

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