(Pop) Culture Shock

It comes in waves

Posts Tagged ‘The Bachelor’

Sex Tie Breaker?

Posted by emzkbd on February 26, 2013

The beginning of the end starts in Thailand. Sean: “These are my last three girls… sex tie breaker?”

Final two

Sean lounges around—literally, in a wifebeater in a hammock—while he recaps his journey with each of the women. Blah, blah, blah. This is when I started drinking! And then it happened—Bachelor Nation Speaks Out via Twitter. One of the first tweets said “Jennifer Lawrence loves The Bachelor“, making Chris Harrison poop more than rainbows.

Sean goes for a swim… to clear his head. I don’t know why he didn’t just spank it. His first date is with Lindsay, and they go to the market. One tweeter says her dad is addicted to the show. Now in my viewing party, almost all the girls chimed in that their dads watch it, too. See future husbands of American women what you have to look forward to in your older age!

Sean and Lindsay sample various foods. Upon watching the season, Lindsay will say: “Why didn’t Sean buy ME an eternity bracelet?” Apparently, Lindsay said she wouldn’t eat bugs, so in true Survivor-fashion, they eat ‘em. Bugs Lindsay looks like she can’t get enough water through her straw. At least her torch won’t be snuffed tonight!

Sean attributes Lindsay to a “high school sweetheart”. Little does he know she’s still in high school. Their date continues on a beach with monkeys. Monkeys Lindsay throws someone’s intestines grapes at ‘em. They proceed to make out for the monkeys. Monkey see, monkey do it—monkey-style!

The date concludes with dinner and a show. Sean asks Lindsay if she’d move to Dallas, and she says yes. But why do the women have to move? Just because he has his own show, they have to pick up and relocate? How pre-feminist movement, Sean!

All of a sudden, dancers emerge with crazy long (fake) fingernails. These chicks are bendy. No wonder men love Asians! Apparently, this put Sean in the mood because he busts out the Fantasy Suite card, and Lindsay doesn’t hesitate. Not sure what they’re going to do, but one tweeter might have it right: “Have praying and fantasy suite ever been used in the same sentence?”

I had to explain the Fantasy Suite to my Bachelor Virgin friend—no, not Sean Lowe! It’s where the Bachelor/ette takes each of his/her final three to talk, make out and seductively clothes the door or draw the shades just as things are getting good. Unless you’re Viena Girardi who throws on lingerie and gets the party started while the cameras are still there!

Lindsay chokes (on a bug?) while trying to tell Sean how she feels about him, but then she catches her second wind and purrs “I love you”. Sean loves hearing her saying that, even though she’s only said it one time.

The next day, AssLee is ready to spend the day with “the love of her life” on a boat. She says she’s like “a schoolgirl in love”. What are with these references? Does Sean have a fetish?

Their destination is the Emerald Cave, and they have to swim through it to get to their private beach. AssLee is scared and wants to ensure they have a “floaty-thing”. Uhhh, I think you’ll be fine—you have two! AssLee brings up her fear of abandonment as if Sean were going to leave her stranded in this cave.

Another tweet says the producers love getting Sean wet this season, but I think their real objective was to get their demographic—ladies age 18-34—wet this season. The camera cuts to a sign written in Thai (presumably)—beware the cave! But in they go! Haven’t you people seen The Descent?! I swore I saw a person in there with them. Or maybe it was just a cameraman creepin’!

AssLee talks about letting go or else “you won’t fall in love”, but if it were me in that cave, I wouldn’t let go of anything! Then they see “the light at the end of the tunnel”! Could it be the end of your relationship? Or is that too much foreshadowing?

Once they emerge, my first thought is “sex on the beach”. Again, if it were me, I’d tell the cameramen to take a hike because that’s once in a lifetime, for sure. Just don’t forget to put a towel or two down.

AssLee says she’s ready to say yes to Sean’s proposal and she doesn’t think there are two more human beings more right for each other. Hmm, I could think of two…

Another dinner date on the beach with these two makes me worry there will be more vocal expressions of affection in the form of screaming. Sean tells her that if he gets down on one knee, it means he will spend the rest of his life with you. Can we hold you to that, Sean?

During this portion of their date, my group of lady-friends was trying to figure out what AssLee’s necklace said. Asshat? Eggnest? Note: Possessionista.com says it’s “gypset” which refers to the “boho, casual California lifestyle.” Ok….

Sean has other things on his mind as he hands AssLee the Fantasy Suite card. He wants her to know what his intentions are—dry-humping like rabbits—without any distractions—all night! AssLee is down with that, but she doesn’t want to cross any boundaries, i.e. no heavy petting. {sad face} Does that mean he’ll have to get her off with a flower like in 40 Days and 40 Nights?

AssLee says she’s going to follow her heart and her heart is telling her she wants to spend time alone with Sean. Suuuuuuure, your heart’s telling you that! Pffft! Then, she drops this gem: “I like a cushion ring with diamonds all the way around on the band, and I think my ring size is 6.5… I definitely know what I want… and that’s more screen time.”

Sean’s third and final date takes him and Catherine on a jug boat, where Catherine plays “queen” of the world. Leo would be proud! Sean loves her weirdness.

Their dialogue continues, and it’s all “I’m a commitment-phobe”, “I haven’t been this vulnerable”, “I get scared”.  Then they backflip into the water, and Sean grabs her ass. My friends and I have determined he’s an ass-man as he’s grabbed a lot of booty in this episode. They get back on the boat and make out in the rain. Catherine says “I’m, like, in the clouds right now” as lightning strikes.

The date progresses to dinner where they enjoy Mai Tais, or as I like to call them “Thai Tais”. Sean asks her what their lives would look like in five years, and Catherine says “I wouldn’t be surprised if a kid was involved.” What are you going to kidnap one? Or are you talking about the annoying neighbor kid who always shows up on your doorstep?

In this midst of this conversation, a tweet pops up that says “Sean wonders if Catherine can settle down and start a family. Her mouth says yes. Her nose piercing says, ‘I’m outta here.’” She is the weirdest person, which makes all this “traditional” talk confusing. What about a nose ring is traditional?

At this time, it’s time to discuss the Fantasy Suite. “Before I even came… in my panties… I was thinking about the Fantasy Suite. There’s no way I would do that. I wouldn’t let myself do that. I wanted to make sure that I was still seen as a lady… not like the whore writing this post.”

Sean: “I love hearing you say that… [I just want] uninterrupted hours of finger-dipping and nob-noshing… just you and me.” Catherine accepts. The two of them depart for the room and their boring night of patty-cake. Catherine confesses she never thought a boy like Sean would like a girl like her. Honey, we already went over this. He has a thing for Asians. Nail-cam reveals her accent nail.

Meanwhile, Catherine tells Sean that she’d been made fun of a lot in her life, like “You’re chubby or you eat too much.” Soooo girls like me have a shot with a hunky, beefy guy like Sean? Sean: “You’re are smokin’ hot. I’m the lucky one.” Aww, so sweet! Now take off your shirt!

Catherine: “Sean has continually made me comfortable and feel safe to be completely myself and exploring anything with him… like our sexuality. When I look in Sean’s eyes, something visceral happens… in my loins.”

Then something really strange happened! They went back to the mansion in L.A. where Chris Harrison appeared to have something important to tell us. Nope! He duped us with a sneak peek of Oz: The Great and Powerful. Sneaky, sneaky, Mr. Harrison!

The next day, a half-naked Sean says he knows who he has to send home and he is dreading it. Before he drops the guillotine, he sits down with Dr. Chris, who reminds him that this was the week Sean went home on Emily’s season. Chris asks Sean if he can see his wife there, and when Sean says yes, Chris looks like he’s been blown away by the most confounding idea. That or maybe he actually believes the hype that Sean’s proposal will make it to the altar.

Sean: “It’s mind-blowing to even think about this… I actually get to have sex again.”

Chris leaves Sean with the very personal video messages, and as one tweeter says, “time for Sean to consult the pictures.” As the first message rolls, another tweeter says “I’m waiting for Sean to be all like, ‘We’re in Thailand so Phuket, ROSES FOR EVERYONE.’”

Lindsay, in her baby-talk voice, says “I met you in a wedding dress, and maybe soon I’ll be wearing one again for you.” From baby talk to baby doll, Catherine calls Sean a “mega-hunk” and says he gives her “the wiggles”. That sounds racist. Lastly, AssLee starts talking about her wall and her obsession with Sean, and then the tears start flowing. Video message I can’t believe no one edited this out. They can edit Arie’s flubs last season, but not her emotional breakdown. As this last video finishes, Sean’s thinking, “Oh great, I have to send the basket case home after that.”

Sean equates the rain to AssLee’s tears. I find it funny how he and she are wearing the same color—burgundy. The only difference is AssLee’s chesticles are boldly on display. It even looks like she cut a slit in her dress to reveal more cleavage.

Before he hands out the roses, Lindsay says Fuck, Shit, or Cunt. It had to be one of those! No worries, though, because she got the first rose. From there, it became the longest rose ceremony ever. Sean stood their holding the final rose for what seemed like forever.

Sean 2

Cut to Catherine: “Is it me? Pick me. Is it me? I don’t know.”

Cut to AssLee: “It has to be me. I’m praying to Jesus. I don’t know. Is it me?”

Sean picks up the rose. Both women are like “Pick me, pick me, pick me…”

Cut to Sean: “Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God…”

Cut to Catherine: “Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God…” Catherine

Cut to rose: “Oh God, just pick one already!”

the rose

Cut to AssLee: “It better be me, it better be me, it better be me…”

AshLee

Cut to Sean: “I guess I should say something, but nothing’s happening…”

Cut to Catherine: “It’s not me, it’s not me, it’s not me. Why didn’t I blow him?”

Sean: “And now I bow my head in prayer and hope to God she doesn’t cut off my manhood!”

And the final rose goes to Catherine, leaving AssLee glaring at Sean. They walk out, while the other women are confused that she didn’t say goodbye. Lindsay and Catherine Lindsay: “She’s pissed.” Well, in that moment, I can’t imagine you care about the future wife of the man who just broke up with you.

AssLee tells Sean to “just stay here.” He wants to explain himself, and she hears him out with the look that sank a thousand ships. Stone-cold bitch! Stone-cold bitch She hops in the car, seemingly unfazed. As the car drives away, I’m thinking, really, you can cry through every episode but then you can’t shed a tear when he dumps your ass. My sister said that’s because she’s a happy crier, but eventually the tears came and she shied away from the camera.

AssLee: “It’s hard saying goodbye to Sean because I let him in…to my vagina.” Ok, ok, ok… maybe not there, but he certainly couldn’t handle all of her emotion, so he sent her somewhere she could deal with them—The Women Tell All. See you next week for what is sure to be a Tierrable talkathon.

Posted in Bachelor Mondays | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Playboys need love, too

Posted by emzkbd on February 19, 2013

This week, Sean visited the final four’s hometowns and asked each girl’s father (and one’s mother) for their marriage blessing. I really think a sex tiebreaker would have made this week’s elimination a whole lot simpler, but apparently this Bachelor has “values”—whatever those are. I sure wouldn’t want my picture splashed across tabloid covers with the headline “Born-Again Virgin”—not even with the byline “Vaginal Rejuvenation Success Stories”.

The first hometown date wasn’t that far of a jog for Sean, who lives in Dallas. AssLee lives in Houston with her terrier Bailey. I hate that name unless it’s served on the rocks.

AssLee thinks she’s found true love. “What if he says, ‘You’re amazing, but you’re not the one!’” Then you go to counseling. Am I right?

This date is boring like all of their dates. AssLee: “God, you amaze me everytime!” Sean: “{doofy laugh} Hahaha, stop, I’m not God, but I can make you say his name.” AssLee: “You’re so handsome. I love looking at you.” Lots of closed-mouth kissing ensues, and AssLee cheers “YAY!” Nothing turns my vagina off faster than a close-mouth kiss.

AssLee and Sean arrive at her parent’s house, and she says she’s been dreaming about this day since she was 4 or 5 years old. I’m sure this was taken out of context because “meet the parents” isn’t exactly the make-believe game you play. I was more about dressing up in my mom’s lingerie and marrying my sister. See how things can get taken out of context?!

They sit down to eat in AssLee’s parent’s backyard… probably because of all the crucifixes, rosary beads or statues of Mary. AssLee’s dad wants to know every detail about their journey—where they’ve been, what they’ve seen, how close Sean’s peen came to AssLee’s hotbox. AssLee recalls the Polar Bear Plunge—with tears in her eyes—because it was really that cold… or because she was ready to marry Sean come hell or ice water.

Then she proceeds to tell them about their “romance” in St. Croix. AssLee: “We had fun in the sand, mama, you know, like they did in Grease. We rolled around in the sand, and I felt his man parts against my lady bits. That was really fun… and then I told him I loved him. He didn’t say anything because he’s contractually obligated.”

AssLee’s mom wants to reiterate the sense of abandonment AssLee experienced as an orphan. Basically Sean should be careful because sometimes she wanders off wearing a blindfold and awakes with no sense of who she is and how she got there.

From there, Sean sits down with her dad and tells him he’s “crazy about his daughter.” Then the crazy talk turns to AssLee’s underage marriage, and the lesson learned is you have to let your children make their own mistakes. Tear! Sean says he’s seen AssLee’s “core” and asks for her father’s permission to plunge his drill into it. He agrees. One down, four to go.

AssLee’s dad recalls the story of when he met AssLee, in one of the most heartfelt moments of the series. “Whatever man takes her for the rest of her life is gonna have to fall in love with her like that.” Then again, pedophilia—not so much! AssLee says she cries every time her dad shares that, which makes me wonder how many times she’s found “true love”. In true ABC Disney fairy tale fashion, AssLee says the day was magical, and there’s pixie dust everywhere. Well bibbity-bobbity-boo! My fairy godmother would be jealous.

The next hometown visits takes Sean to Seattle, where he finds Catherine in a busy marketplace. They make a wish on a pig—not sure if it was supposed to buck or vibrate, but it appears they stuck him with some coins. People are staring. What? You’ve never seen two people ride a ham?

They pass through Pike Place where they toss fish. Catherine drops hers because it’s “slippery”. Slippage can ruin relationships, Catherine. She says she loves the way Sean smells—like fish. She also loves his big, beefy arms and hopes he’s got the meaty sausage to match. Sean says Catherine brings out the kid in him.

Lots of squealing occurs when they enter Catherine’s house. Sean puts on an apron and flirts with her Grandma Graham Cracker, but for Catherine, the reception isn’t as welcoming. Her sisters are very critical of her choices because they feel like Catherine has to convince them to support her relationship. Catherine: “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t really care about this guy.” Yeah, I could see Tierra saying the same thing. Catherine’s sisters proceed to bash her former relationship dynamic. “Every guy that she’s dated has been real easy… she needs to be called out on her whorishness… she’s dirty… needs someone who can handle her mood swings.”

Catherine’s mom: “Will it work out? I don’t know. I don’t want my daughter to get hurt. You don’t want to lead her on because we don’t want that. So I think it’s best if you take your womanizing ways and pick the next girl.” Needless to say, Sean didn’t get her blessing even though he thinks “the world” of her daughter.

Next up, Sean goes to visit his army brat’s family in Missouri. This 24 year old possesses all the qualities Sean wants in a wife—ditzy voice, drunkenness, immaturity. She brings out the kid in him, just like Catherine does. Clearly, Sean doesn’t really want to grow up, which doesn’t bode well for his marriage proposal.

Lindsay and Sean bop around her small town and enjoy some cake smashing at a cupcake shop. Lindsay tells Sean to address her dad like “Hey, dude!” Then she makes him drop and give her twenty. “Don’t give me sass boi… kiss me harder… bend me over this bench… about face {smacks his ass}!”

Sean: “Lindsay’s dad is a big deal… like Ron Burgundy!” Good thing you got in a few pushups and crunches. “Part of Lindsay’s dad’s job is making men—with his stern General sperm—and hopefully he sees that I am a man, and not a sissy little girl who wears salmon-colored pants.”

Lindsay looks exactly like her mother, and her brother looks like he takes after her dad and Frankenstein. They tell her parents about Lindsay’s entrance in a wedding dress. Lindsay’s mom thinks it’s hysterical, while her dad thinks he’s about to be demoted. Lindsay’s mom says Lindsay “looks content… she looks at peace.” What is she, a corpse? Are they anticipating a wedding or a funeral?

Sean tells her mom that he’s not ready to commit to love… or anyone… because he’s The Bachelor and none of them commit. Sean is smitten with her mom, and it appears she is about ready to pounce on him. “Who you are is fantastic!” Yep, I’m sure she pinched his tushie on the way out.

Finally, Sean gets to “the talk” with the two-star General. Sean’s “crazy about your daughter”, sir. If someone were crazy about me, I’d ask if they were on medication. Lindsay’s dad ponders giving a blessing. He’s never been asked a “tougher question.” He tells Sean he “has to have the authority to make the decision”, so he gives his blessing but says he’ll take it back if Lindsay says no. Well duh!

Before he leaves, the General gives him dog tags, and everyone wants to hug Sean, including her doofy brother, who eagerly waited in line for a bear hug.

In a totally different world, Sean makes his last stop in L.A. where Dez lives. She greets him with the running approach and leaps into his arms to wrap her legs around him. Barf! Dez tells him she doesn’t want to miss him, but she tells us she wants to make out. After they freshen up from their super sweaty hike, they go back to her house. Someone else besides Sean was planning to make a visit, and Sean is confused, especially when this stranger says he loves Dez. “Whoooooaaaa!” Sean thinks he needs to leave, but I’m like, No, stay! I like Alpha-male Sean. Fight, fight, fight! “Don’t put your hands on me!” No, put your hands on meeeee, Sean! I love how all of America was convinced it was her ex when I’ve known since before the season started that this was a hoax.

Dez can definitely give one—a joke, not a BJ. Then the scary woman from The Blair Witch Project arrives—or at least that’s how I would have pictured her. Dez: “My mom’s so cute.” Really? She kinda freaks me out. Sean and Dez proceed to repeat (not finish) each other’s sentences.

Dez’s brother has words of wisdom. “A lot of guys could make you happy… that’s not what it’s about though… I’m thinking this is not going to work… This is like stupid, almost, like me.” Har har har! Mr. Debonair asks to talk with Sean.

Things get tense because Mr. Know-it-all wants Sean to admit he’s a fraud. Sean is praying for answers to this question, so he starts rambling about giving affection to Dez. Sean: “Does that put your mind at ease?” Doofus: “Aw no, I think you just a playboy… having fun with the circumstances.” Sean: “That’s not me… that’s Chris Harrison.” Dumbo: “No, I’m not buying it.”

Sean wanted to tell Dickwad off, but he didn’t want to make a scene. Then her parents started talking about the weather and how it’s raining Douche-nozzles. Once Sean leaves, Dingleberry admits he called Sean a playboy, which sends Dez off the handle. Dipshit: “He is not the one!” Oh, the number of times I’ve heard that from family members.

Finally, an hour and 37 minutes into the episode, Sean is half naked in his closet. He can picture his life with Lindsay and AssLee, but he’s unsure about Dez and her crazy brother and Catherine, a.k.a. Miss Independent. So he does what any normal guy dating four women would do, he talks to his therapist—Chris Harrison. Sean: “Nope, no clarity this week, Chris! I have no idea who I’m sending home.” Chris: “Are all four women literally on the chopping block?” What is this Survivor now? You gonna snuff their torches, too, Chris?

Sean is afraid he’ll make the wrong choice—like Jason Mesnick. Think of the positive, Sean—at least you can still marry and impregnate your runner-up! Before he hands out any roses, Dez interrupts and asks him to step outside to apologize for her dirtbag brother’s behavior. Meanwhile, Catherine is having a meltdown. “Should I have pulled him aside and offered him a handie?” The sure-things get their roses, but before he gives out the final rose he sets it back down. Even though I knew the ending, it still startled me to think he would ask for another rose… or run away with dong tucked between his legs.

Dr. Harrison returns and offers this advice: “Get this right!” Hahahaha! Don’t eff up, Seanie! Otherwise, you’ll be the laughing-stock of reality TV, right behind Jessie Palmer forgetting that chick’s name. In the end, though, Sean sends Dez home, after having reassured her that his feelings for her have nothing to do with her brother. That’s the best—“It’s not you; it’s your brother.”

Sean tells her that he’s been battling this all day like a cancerous tumor. Dez tells him he’s making a huge mistake—not 99.9%, but 100%. Sean even admits, “It might be.” Although if it makes her the Bachelorette, then I’m sure she’ll get over it. I feel like I’m watching my breakup all over again. “Don’t let me go… it’s not right… I don’t know what I’m going to do about my life… all I want to do is make someone happy… like, that is all I want to do.” As my sister said, “Get some goals, girl!”

Until next week… I hope you all enjoyed Sean’s shower scene on “Sean Tells All” this evening! I know I did!! Queue a cold shower!

Posted in Bachelor Mondays | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

What are you? Some kind of “crazy person”?

Posted by emzkbd on January 22, 2013

Sean’s journey this week begins again in the rec room. Heaven forbid The Bachelor gain an ounce of fat this season! Previously, I would have swooned over this half naked glistening chunk of man meat, but this week I find myself saying “Eh” and “That’ll do pig.” Sure, Sean’s chabs {chest + abs} are incredibly defined but I still think he could use a few more pull-ups and crunches.

He wants us to know he’s totally “digging” some chicks, man! With that, Chris Harrison is on the prowl… to drop off a date card.

Robyn: “Let’s ditch these bitches and go fall in love for real.” Someone ain’t afraid to cut a bitch!

Lesley M. gets the first date and Sean wants to know “How long will this love last?” Hopefully longer than the past few seasons’. In the limo, Sean asks her what she thinks that means because he has no clue. Lesley is optimistic and somehow equates a loving, lasting relationship with an exotic getaway for the two of them.

What she really gets? Well, Sean was jonesin’ from the peck he got on their last date, and to show her that, he amps up the romance and decides to parade around the Guinness Book of World Records museum, showing off the world’s smallest woman and his dad’s world record of driving all contiguous states.

She had to see it coming because no Bachelor date could be that boring. As it turns out, Sean wants to break his own world record. No, not the world’s longest-running erection, but the world’s longest on-screen kiss, surpassing the previous record set at 3 minutes and 15 seconds. Lesley says it’s the coolest thing she can imagine, but I’m sure she’s thinking Sean’s erection would be much cooler.

Lesley kissing Sean

As they get to it, she’s laughing and probably shooting snot on his face, and he’s using it as an excuse to grope her until he pulls her dress up over her fanny. Sean says he can feel her body start to tremble and I’m thinking—“I would probably orgasm, too!”

Once they break the record, they continue kissing—probably because he is afraid to pull away and reveal his erection to all those bystanders. What a wonderful story they can tell their children if they end up together! What a mortifying thing to live with if you’re Sean and his new fiancée, assuming it’s not Lesley! You think he would still hang that plaque in their apartment then? Hey honey, aren’t you proud I broke a world record with another woman?

Record

Later, on top of the Roosevelt Hotel—where I’m pretty sure other Bachelor/ette contestants have hung out—Sean and Lesley share more awkward moments. Lesley is a self-proclaimed nerd, who studied a lot, and wants a marriage like her parents but is afraid that might not happen. Sean tells her she shouldn’t worry that it won’t cum come because he now knows how to use his tongue effectively. She starts to flush, she’s short of breathe, and then she gets nervous. Sean wants her to take charge of her sexuality so she pounces, so Sean gives her the elephant in the room. He’s been blown away, but I guarantee I blow better.

Back at the mansion, AssLee reads the group date card and all the women chosen pretend to be excited. “Who’s going to touch my penis win my heart?” The next day on the group date, all the eleven women care about is a half-naked Bachelor. Then, the unthinkable happens…

Kacie B.: “The moment I see Chris Harrison, I know that things are not going to be fun for somebody.” Sounds like we have a creeper on the loose!

Chris tells the women they will be competing in a volleyball game to extend their date with Sean. The losing team will leave immediately. No surprise but Ke$ha admits she’s still hungover and therefore won’t be an asset to her team.

The ladies tat up with an “S” for Sean, or slut. All a matter of opinion, I guess! From someone who played volleyball back in the day, this was the worst game I’ve ever witnessed. Asthmatic ten-year-olds could play better volleyball—I know because I’m referring to my sister sixteen years ago.

Volleyball

Taryn wants us to know she is in it to win it. “This volleyball game is the most important game of my life. It’s probably one of the only few I’ll ever play that has something big riding on it—ahem, hopefully Sean’s peen. You’re talking about your heart here; you’re talking about more time with a guy that you barely know and could potentially be yours for three months, give or take, after filming. So this is that big of a deal!”

The game comes down to Des’s serve. There’s a bump and then what should have been a set is really just Kristy fist-pumping to keep the ball in play. Guess she’ll share the same fate! Sean congratulates the winners while Kristy pouts like someone just stole her cookie. Lesley H. tries to conceal her tears on the drive back to the mansion, where everyone blames their exhaustion and crabby moods on the date.

Ke$ha is super bummed out because she wants to show Sean her romantic, serious side when all he’s seen is her wastey-faced side. Kristy continues her half-time show at the Superbawl with all her little cheerleaders shouting words of encouragement—“Go home, go home, go home!”

Sean brings the winners back to his mansion for an orgy. First, he has some alone time with Valley Girl Lindsay, who’s voice is more annoying than any blonde bimbo you could drudge up. They make out for awhile, and then Sean hooks it up with a glam Joey Potter.

Glam Joey Potter Desiree & Sean

The final date card arrives, and Tierra—who chose to wear white see-through sweatpants for the camera—scampers off to retrieve it. She announces it for AssLee and Selma, both of whom shit their pants. JUST KIDDING! It’s just for AssLee. “Do you believe in magic?” Sarah takes personal offense to it on Selma’s behalf.

Back on the group date, tension stirs between Des and Amanda, who sneaks off with Sean to tell him he can stop looking for a wife because she’s all he’ll ever want—if he’s into the whole Alanis Morissette thing.

Amanda Alanis Morissette

Sean says he can tell she has a “genuine heart”. To which she responds: “If we were to get married, I feel I will bring such a light, airy, fun atmosphere… relationships should be fun.”

Des flips her shit because Amanda is questionable and creepy—always staring at Sean like she wants to wear his skinsuit. When Amanda returns—gloating—Des tries to play nice, telling Amanda she killed it at the volleyball game. Amanda says “it has nothing to do with volleyball and everything to do with my split-personality disorder. Muahahahahaha!”

But it’s Kacie B. who pulls an Emily O’Brien and tells Sean she feels like she just took a Courtney Robertson punch to the face. Kacie lays it on the table—there is tension between Des and Amanda. Since she’s friends with Des, she wants Amanda sent packin’. Sean wants to know why she’s getting mixed up in all this. Kacie has no words. Sean says they both seem fine and neither one has said anything to him about it. Kacie: “And I don’t want to be the person who does, but at the same time I’m stuck in the middle so I have to tell you what’s going on… and I’m not a ‘drama person’… it hurts me because I don’t want to hurt either of them… and when that’s going on I’m having a hard time being myself because I’m worried about that.”

Sean looks incredibly confused and calls her a “crazy person”. Finally! At least he’s starting to recognize it floating out there in a sea of skirts and see-through tops. Kacie tries not to cry, and then, not to fall in her sky-high stilettos. No rose for Kacie B. on this date! Instead, Sean rewards Lindsay for her makeout sesh. Kacie tries not to cry in front of everyone, so she does it behind their back to the camera, sniffling that she’s “not supposed to cry this early.”

Kacie B

The next day, AssLee thinks nothing can go wrong on her one-on-one date with Sean… but everything CAN go wrong before. Mere seconds before Sean walks in… ker-plunk! Tierra fall down… or so it seems. I think she was riding a blanket down the stairs for fun and realized no one was paying attention to her, so she ditched the blanket and just laid there like she was coming out of a coma.

Tierra on a stretcher

The paramedics arrive to take Tierra to the hospital, but she pleas like the whiny brat she is to be left alone. She “pops up” because Sean’s there. AssLee says Tierra is the boy who cried wolf, or in this case the slut who cried “Sean!” AssLee claims to be a smart woman, like the medical team who would have diagnosed Tierra’s condition as “bat shit crazy”.

Tierra lounges on the veranda, while Sean plays Aladdin and rubs her lamp ass.

Sean & Tierra

AssLee: “She thinks it’s cute to play the victim, but how about I really make her a victim and stab her with the thorns of the rose I’m going to win on my amazing date.”

Sean wants to see if AssLee has some “kid” in her—or if he could put one there—so he takes her to the most romantic place on Earth. Six Flags—a place where horny teenagers make-out while they wait in line for a 30 second ride! Great outfit by the way. I know my go-to getup for an amusement park is always a short, fancy dress and heels.

AshLee's dress

Sean tells AssLee that it feels “a bit selfish” to keep it all to themselves. At that moment, I half expect a group of underprivileged urban youth to swarm them, but then Sean says they will be sharing their day with two young fans of The Bachelor, who are best friends but have never met. Girl #1 must have been a smoker who somehow kept her ass-long hair from catching on fire, while Girl #2 must be a fighter. Were those boxing gloves she was wearing? Oh no… Sean says they have some mitochondrial disease, which—when he says it—sounds way too depressing to Google.

AshLee Dr. Quinn

Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman says this is the perfect date. Cut to the four of them on a ride with Sean screaming “Get me off! Get me off!” Not sure which one of the ladies he was begging. Then Sean’s favorite band—The Eli Young Band—performs while he and AssLee sway and Girls 1 & 2 upstage them with the two-step or whatever that was.

When they’re finally done babysitting, AssLee opens up to Sean. Orphan Annie tells Sean that she was adopted when she was six but prior to that she was abused by a foster family. They locked her and the other foster kids in the basement where they slept on cots without any lights. There wasn’t a bathroom—only buckets lined up against the wall—and if you weren’t careful, the big kids would hold you down and…

But AssLee is not bitter. No sirree! She reminisces about the day she was adopted and how much she’s been loved by her parents. Sean gets misty and sobs: “That’s such a sweet story! Wahhhhhhhhh!” Hey Sean, I can see your vagina from here.

The whole time Emily Maynard AssLee was telling her sob story, the band was also listening behind them. Once everyone wiped their tears away, they played another song.

On rose ceremony night, things get feisty, but first Sean wants to send Nubby home. JUST KIDDING! He bought her a dog. Oh wait, it’s her dog? And he likes chew toys? Now we know why she doesn’t have a prosthetic.

Later, Sean sits down with Tierra who has magically healed from her physical and emotional roller coaster ride down the stairs. Katie Holmes steals Sean to suck his face, but rather than “punch some walls”, Tierra steals him back. “My turn!”

From one thief to the next, Lesley M. swoops in and the domino effect continues. Meanwhile, Des told Sean that she would stay right where he left her… and she stayed there all night.

When Kacie B. finally gets her turn, she wants him to know that it’s a two way street. Sean continues the metaphor by saying they’ve turned a corner, but before Kacie gets to find out if she’ll make it to destination Roseville, Selma and AssLee plop a squat for some chatter.

Before he sends the ladies packing, he pulls Kacie outside, rose in hand, to stand next to someone peeing in the bushes the sound of running water where he tells her she’s back in the friend zone. Wait for it… wait for it… “WHAT THE FUCK!” No, she didn’t say it this time; I guess she learned her lesson last time on how to exit a reality show gracefully.

Kacie: “Last time I left with no regrets because I tracked down Ben to beg him for a second chance. And this time there are regrets, so rather than live with them, I guess I’ll have to fly to Thailand on the day Sean proposes and tell him {SPOILER} he should have sent Amanda home sooner.”

In the end, Sean didn’t want a drama queen (Kristy) or a lean, mean volleyball machine (Taryn), but he likes all the other thieves and injury-prone women who are left. More on that next week!

Posted in Bachelor Mondays | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Man meat… it’s what’s for dinner!

Posted by emzkbd on January 15, 2013

Last night began like all of my sexual fantasies… with a buff, blonde, half-naked man glistening in a shower.

Sean in the shower

Sha-wing! That was my lady boner. I didn’t even hear what he was saying, but I nominate Sean Lowe as Best Undressed of the week.

Without allowing us to cool off, Chris Harrison arrived at the mansion to poop rainbows: “At the end, I truly believe he will get down on one knee and propose marriage to one of you… but not you Tierra because you cray cray.” He also brought the first date card—for Nubs, Nubby, the Nubster. I may be politically incorrect, but you like it. AssssssLee is super jelly because she couldn’t organize the first date.

Nubs: “Just because I have one arm doesn’t mean we’re gonna be able to stop having fun.” So does having two arms make it twice as fun?

Sean arrives in his chopper and the women cream their panties. I will also note here that Sean is a man wise beyond his years; it shows through in his philosophical remarks.

Sean: “Last night I was with 26 women, and that’s hard. It’s not as easy as it sounds.” I agree—his peen must have been exhausted.

With Nubs oozing a lack of confidence, you’d swear her arm was chopped off yesterday. “My ability to love someone is not affected by how many hands I have—but my left hand does tire when I give handies.”

I briefly dozed off and awoke to them landing on top of a “skyscraper” twenty stories high. Sean told producers he wanted to reenact the opening scene from Cliffhanger but thought that he might rip off her other arm, and then she’d really be disabled. One question: How does she get her hair in a ponytail? Did someone have to do it for her or does she have a special contraption to do it for her?

Fortunately for Nubs, she still has one hand to hold Sean’s before their descent. The drop was so boring, ABC had to speed it up or they might have lost their audience on the downward spiral. I’m sure the “bond” they shared will last a whole other episode or two before he realizes he’ll have to do her hair for the rest of his life.

Sean: “I do consider myself a man.” Wait—do other people consider you something else? Like just a piece of meat?

Sarah: “It’s not about what our bodies look like.” Au contraire, it is ALL about what HIS body looks like. If it weren’t, I would be watching Lena Dunham have sex repeatedly.

Sean gives Nubs the rose, they hug, and she can’t get her arm and a half completely around him. He IS an amazing guy, and he deserves a full hug and a flinch-free relationship. After two weeks, the Nubooboo is falling in love with the Bachelor—I think the guy and not the show, but I could be wrong.

The next day on the group date, a carload of women and a pubic mound Katietravel to another mansion where a camera crew is prepared for a photo shoot. The women will be paired with Sean to pose for the cover of Harlequin romance novels. As the women beautify themselves, Sean’s disrobes. One moment— I need to mop up.

Apparently I’m not the only one who’s excited because Kristy can’t keep her hands off Sean’s abs. Who am I kidding? I would grate cheese for a living on that stomach.

Then the claws come out, and so do Tierra’s tittays. I’m not sure, but it looked like the women were calling her a tacky ho two feet away from where she was sitting, unless that was just bad editing.

Sean to Tierra: “You may have a dark side; you may have a catty side.”

Tierra: “Oh no I don’t.” Head tilt, hair swish, giggle, repeat.

The women dress up as one of four categories: cowgirls, vampires, “sexy”, and historical.

Lesley M. gets her honkey-tonk on and pecks Sean on the lips. Personally, I would prefer bareback, reverse cowgirl. Then Amanda wants to sink her teeth into Sean’s throat. If it were me, my mouth would be elsewhere.

Also lurking on the grounds, Tierra strategizes to kick all these bitches out. I think that was a threat, but in reality TV, safety is inconsequential.

Tierra: “This isn’t a competition. I’m not gonna let any girl stop me from getting the rose or Sean’s semen.”

Milla Jovovich Kristy knows she has this one in the bag because she’s a model so she brings the slut sex appeal. Sean was groped by Kristy more times than I ever was in high school, and sure enough, she wins the three-book cover deal.

Milla Jovovich Kristy

Sean: “I am so ready to get out of these clothes.” Sean’s posse has a late night pool party, minus the party in the pool. What? No skinny-dipping this season?

At the house, Lesley M. wants more smooches from Sean. They sneak off to a room where they interview people in the witness protection program. Awkward does not begin to describe their conversation. She basically admits to watching him sleep while crossing and uncrossing her arms and legs in angst-y teenage horniness.

Lesley: “This is The Bachelor and things are a little more fast-paced than normal.” Please, prettyplease tell me someone gets knocked up this season!  Sean makes the rounds, but Lesley steals him back for a quick makeout sesh while Ke$ha is filming her In-The-Moment (ITM). She gags—typical Ke$ha!

Later Sean sits down with Kacie B. who reiterates her virginity and sudden need to marry him and explore him sexually. She wants reassurance that Sean wants to get to know her, too.  Kacie B.: “I thought I never wanted another rose in my life, and now I’m hoping for ten more.” Queue cackling!

When we return from commercial, Catherine is telling Sean that she’s vegan but loves the beef. Might as well have said, “I like sausage… in my mouth!” Sean eats it up… because he loves furburgers. No, not you, pubey head!

Sean tells Selma that she might be his wife. She coos and proceeds to ask Desiree if she would design her wedding dress. Meanwhile, Tiara and Vagina Fro are moping around the house. Ke$ha can’t stand Debbie-downers, so she pops another pill. Sean pulls Tiara aside and asks her how to pronounce her name. He’s also sensing her switch is about to flip.

Tierra: “I came here because what I saw on Emily’s season from you blew me away. Now let me blow you away!” Shlurp, shlurp, shlurp!

Sean: “Trust me when I say I really like you and I want to spend more time with you.”

Tierra: “Me, too. That’s why you came all over my face, right?”

Back at the mansion, another thing comes—a date card. Jackie wants the one-on-one date because tomorrow is her birthday. I don’t think he remembers your name, and you think he’ll remember it’s your birthday and give you special treatment?

Rounding out the group date, the Bushmaster feels uncomfortable, so she stealthily steals Sean’s coat before making her exit. Sean doesn’t fight her because he realizes that if the drapes are that truly that unruly then the carpet is probably wayyy too shaggy for his taste.

Kacie B. is thrilled; even moreso when Sean gives her the rose. It’s reminiscent of this jam. Game on!

For the final date, Sean and Chris conspire to pull a practical joke on Desiree at a fake art exhibit. If you remember, Sean is quite the joker {eye-roll}. Chris says they’ve hidden cameras in one room but the camera we see is not-at-all hidden.

Desiree arrives at the exhibit, totally disappointed that she doesn’t get a helicopter ride, diamonds, or a Harlequin romance cover deal, but she still pretends to be “so excited”.

Sven, the fake artist, introduces his faux piece worth $5.00 $1.5 million. Desiree and Sean are escorted to a backroom, where Sean is pulled away for an “interview”, or as I would presume, an impromptu blow job. Desiree is left alone with the sculpture, while Sean and Chris watch from monitors in another room.

Then the piece shatters to the floor. Based on her reaction, Desiree must have known something was up; she didn’t seem very worried about being held responsible. Guess she just thought ABC would pay for that. After agonizing moments behind closed doors, Sean can’t take it any longer so he admits to playing her for a fool. He promises to support her, even though he barely knows her. What if it’s not his child?

Desiree and Sean go back to his place where they have overcooked steak. Catherine would be so jealous. Blah, blah, blah! More talk of support—buy a good bra and let Sean take off his shirt already! Unce, unce, unce! Pelvic thrust, pelvic thrust! Unce, unce, unce!

They sit poolside, and Dez (aww, how cute!) looks a little bloated—probably the ginormous broccoli stalks they just ate. Sean can’t get away soon enough. Oh no! He just went to get the rose. He offers it, but she hesitates because he was rude. Honey, he can be rude to me forever and ever if I get to ride that pony every night.

At the second rose ceremony, the women are stressin’ because Dez is clearly the frontrunner! Well, at least we know that. When Sean arrives, Catherine hands him a beer, or maybe it was apple cider. He says he already knows which two ladies he’s sending home—because one’s black and the other’s a mom.

Sean first sits down with Lindsay, who talks in a six-year-old’s voice. Her dad is a General in the Army, so if Sean screws up, he gets blowed up. They talk about marrying their best friends, Sean losing his hair, and Lindsay getting fat AND losing her hair. Then Sean tells Catherine she has a beefy personality, AssLee is enamored with Sean’s looks, and Jaws wants to gobble him up.

While the other ladies wait for their time with Sean, Amanda is being anti-social and offering the cold (cupcake) shoulder. Maybe she really is a vampire and she’s just sleeping.

As the ceremony nears, the women try to determine who will stay and who will go. Robyn—who Reality Steve accurately assesses as a cross between Condoleeza Rice and Michelle Obama—puts this thought in our heads. She picks Brooke, Lesley and Catherine as Sean’s top three. I think the joke starts: a black woman, white woman and an Asian woman step out of a limo…

Robyn sits down with Sean and plays the race card. Sean evidently practiced this speech so he didn’t come off as a KKK supporter. He says physical appearance doesn’t matter, which we already knew since he’d marry an obese, balding Lindsay. He also gives us this gem: “I’ve dated everybody, and when I say everyone I mean Nazis, witches, Ellen Degeneres, zombies, the blinds, schizophrenics, trannies, and Chippendale dancers.” Robyn is relieved that she could follow in another black woman’s footsteps… as Sean’s ex.

Then, Sean tells Selma that he speaks Farsi, but he’s really trying to tell her he’s a liar. She doesn’t care, and the booze starts talking, telling Sean he’s very beautiful.  Meanwhile, the rest of the women pigeonhole the yellow cupcake lady as two-faced, but Sean thinks she’s a sweet treat.

Ding-a-ling! That’s Chris Harrison getting an erection clinking his glass, ready to scam on Sean’s leftovers. Brooke gracefully departs in her stripper heels, and Sean tells Diana he doesn’t want to keep her from her spawn. Fortunately for us, next week should be a lot less dull and a whole lot more violent—with tongues and tumbles.

Posted in Bachelor Mondays | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Don’t forget your rape whistle… and other fun tales

Posted by emzkbd on January 8, 2013

It’s that time of year again… we’ve packed on the holiday pudge, our significant other would rather pop a sleep-aid then snuggle with us, and odds are our New Year’s resolutions even feel sorry for us. And then, it happens… the new Bachelor slowly, strategically peels off his v-neck T-shirt (because that’s all he owns), and all is right in our worlds. The only things working harder than Sean Lowe’s abs are the batteries in my vibrator.

Sean

This season, I want to preface my posts by saying if you are easily offended—by anything—you should probably stick to a PG-rated recap or family-friendly dialogue because my posts will be honest, mean, and completely gratifying to fans of the show. I am utterly addicted to this franchise; and I may love its host, the lead and some of the contestants, but you would have to confirm that with me because no one is safe from my proverbial harassment.

I am also aware that “God has a plan” for the 29 year old Dallas Texan, and as much as I’d love to be a part of that plan, I will be resigned to my weekly commentary because if you’re cast on the show at my age you’re probably the old cougar. I’m 28.

The show begins by accommodating us with Sean’s backstory—he’s Emily Maynard’s ex from last season of The Bachelorette. Then “Seanie” plays in the sprinkler—my number four fantasy. He says he wants to be all that he can be, but this isn’t the army. The only troop he’ll encounter is the one that wants to marry him or use him for reality stardom. He also wants to be rich in love, but my guess is after the show he’ll be rich RICH with all the guest appearances he’ll be fulfilling. And if it doesn’t work out with one of the bachelorettes, he might even be rich with punani… unless he’s still into dudes, which takes us to our next chapter!

Before Sean gets to meet the women, he has to explore his sexual urges conversation skills with former Bachelorette contestant Arie Luyendyk, Jr. Sean needs to know how to “break up” with the girls, but he can’t use “it’s not you it’s me because it’s obviously them.” Then, Arie tries to explain the art of kissing—which is a lost art with Sean (see example). Sean kissing Emily

GOO! Clearly, Sean has never eaten pussy, and Arie eats it every day.

At this point, we’re ready for the girls before this turns into gay porn. The show teases a few of the bachelorette’s personal lives:

Desiree is always a bridal stylist never a bride.

Tierra wants us to believe she’s “family-oriented” and ready to settle down.

Robyn shows us her flexibility with a hand stand.

Diana is a caring mother of two who lives in Utah, so I’m sure she’s hiding a Mormon past and connections to Jef Holm—Emily’s ex-fiancee.

Sarah—wait a minute—I didn’t know the one-armed surfer chick was going to compete this season!

Bethany Hamilton

Quick! Get an autograph before her hand gets tired!

Ashley P. curls up with 50 Shades of Grey, masturbates, and then lets out an exhilarating laugh of pure evil. She wants Sean to spank her. We have that in common.

Lesley M. lives in Washington, D.C. She doesn’t like nerds or politicians, but she will campaign for Sean’s heart. Doesn’t that make her both?

Kristy—“the best from the Midwest”—boxes and hopes to find someone who can stretch her out as well as her trainer can.

AshLee F. has a twitchy problem, as well as OCD. Anyone else think it was strange that she was filmed sitting quietly by herself? Must be a preacher’s daughter thing!

Now it’s time for the women to arrive. Sean quietly prays before the women start to emerge from the limo—probably hoping no one shoves lace panties in his pocket or shows up drunk, in a wedding gown.

AshLee is first out of the limo and claims to be the bestest of the bunch. I just think she has no personality because it’s been consumed her anal retentiveness.

Jackie wants to mark Sean with her urine lipstick, but then Ashley Greene Selma—glad to be finished with the Twilight saga—is happy to wipe off her smudge.

Ashley Greene Selma

Leslie H. looks like she is about to swallow this “hunk” whole.

Jaws Lesley H

Where is Richard Dreyfuss when you need him?

Next up is our first celebrity performer—Ke$ha, who just came off a night of partying.

 

Kelly thought she was entered in an Oompa-loompa contest—super orange and sings when you want her to stop.

 

Meanwhil, Katie thought she was going to a black-tie yoga affair because she forgot her shoes.

Ashley P. pulls a tie out of her cleavage, and Sean’s face reveals he’s already been a victim of bondage.

Ashley's tie

Taryn wants to get “fresh” with Sean. I think she looks like an alien—the really sexy kind.

Taryn Natasha Henstridge

Catherine stepped off the Quileute reservation where Jacob Black lives.

Robyn fails to show she’s flexible and lands on her ass.

Lacey brought lacy panties lace to stuff in Sean’s pants. Déjà vu?

Lacey's panties

Paige—wait, why is she here again? She’s starting to look desperate.

Jamie Lynn Spears Tierra awkwardly tells Sean that she plans to tattoo his name all over her body. Somehow he finds this all very alluring! He asks Chris to break the rules and hand out roses on his own accord. This way, he doesn’t have to remember all their names later!

Jamie Lynn SpearsTierra

Amanda couldn’t do her hair, but she nailed her red lipstick… and that totally forced awkward moment.

Keriann claims to have driven all the way there to meet Sean. Guess she’ll have to drive all the way back, too!

Desiree is obviously the cutest and most put-together bachelorette, in my opinion. Her red dress was my absolute favorite. Somewhat Grecian and very sophisticated! Love the sexy back and the side-swept hair, which complemented it very well. Her cute penny toss to make a wish was adorbs.

Desiree's dress

Bethany Hamilton Sarah says she always pictured finding a two-armed man to marry on a reality TV show.

Brooke can’t pull off the burgundy wig with the hot pink lipstick.

Diana is ready to marry her fourth husband and have another dozen children, but she wins my award for best hairstyle.

Diana's fishtail

Lesley M. wants to run a football play, but really she wanted to admire the view. Well played!

Kristy wastes no time bringing out the claws—she makes it clear she wants nothing to do with those other bitches.

Nicki Minaj Ashley H. introduces herself in true Nicki fashion: “Hi Ken, I’m (black, mermaid) Barbie.”

Nicki Minaj Ashley H

Ashley Tisdale Lauren has tourette’s… I think… she can’t stop shaking her hair. Oh… nope… she’s just blonde.

Lauren Ashley Tisdale

Lindsay thought she’d already won, which is why she arrived in a wedding gown; and just so Sean wasn’t surprised on their wedding night, she admitted to having balls. The wastey-faced bride-to-be waltzed inside, commenting that she couldn’t wait until their “first dance” inside.

And then there was one more… fan favorite and F-bomber Kacie B. She’s totes crazy in love with Sean, and as one girl points out, her Bible-hugging parents were the dealbreaker with Ben. I’m pretty sure I didn’t hear a religious slur in there.

Desiree’s snide comment was not logically thought out. “She had her chance with Ben, so what makes her think something will work with Sean?” Uhhh, maybe it’s because he’s a totally different person who doesn’t wear a shirt as often and doesn’t look like a cartoon character.

Selma says if she could dream up a man it would be Sean. Yep, I dream him up every night, and the dream always ends well.

Then a bunch of them screamed, and it disrupted my horny pants. Sean took off his jacket (for Kacie B.), and I was back on track. If only he continued to strip…

Desiree gets a lot of talk time with Sean, and I can’t decide if it’s because ((SEMI-SPOILER)) she makes it far or because she’s the most well-spoken bachette. Either way, she gets a rose, and all of the women become self-conscious—they start “mean muggin’”.

mean muggin

Maybe they should have shampooed their hair! I’m looking at you, Ke$ha.

Next up—AshLee gets a rose, but I think she’s more excited about the plush pillows on the furniture.

Tierra thinks she’s da bomb cuz she got da first rose, but AshLee brings it with her comment “I mean, you’re stunning, BUT it’s definitely not the first impression rose; it was just the first rose.” Guess someone should stop acting like this someone who also sang “I got the rose” and is now single.

I got the rose

The Tournament of Roses parade ain’t got nothing on what went down next: Selma, Robyn, Katie, Catherine, and Jackie get roses, but Nicki Minaj ain’t got that super bass Sean’s looking for.

Later, Lindsay wishes she were more sober when she twirls with Sean. Despite her intoxication, Lindsay thinks she and Sean have the same morals. I guess that waits to be seen.

first dance

From one dance to another, Ashley P. starts grinding and air-thrusting. Kacie B.: “She just needs a lot of water. Water, people!” She proceeds to dance her way into some one-on-one time with Sean, who was already being grilled by Paige, and pulls the tie back out of her bosom.

Sean: “I also brought a rape whistle if I’m in trouble.”

Ashley tells Sean that she told her mom that he is the guy she is going to tie up marry, but I guess 50 Shades of Drunk isn’t his type.

Lesley H. gets a rose, and the mayhem continues. Then there are tears. Taryn wanted her one-on-one time, but Sean steals Brooke—who gets a rose—leaving Taryn to her insecurities. Queue “All By Myself”.  She wants a rose; “however, she doesn’t want to necessarily open up and share that to everybody.” Well, I’m sure they’ve already figured it out, genius. And isn’t it a little soon for the “I don’t fight over a guy” sobfest? She hasn’t even talked to him yet.

Sarah, on the other hand, is nervous and wallowing in self-pity because she only has one arm, which is an absurd reason to think that’s why you’re still single. I’m sure it has more to do with your insecurities and using your arm as a crutch. Wait, no, that wouldn’t work!

When Sarah finally gets her alone time with Sean, she opens up and calls out the elephant in the room—her missing arm! The whole time she’s talking about it, I can only imagine what’s going through Sean’s mind:

“Don’t.look.at.it.don’t.look.at.it.don’t.look.at.it.noooooooooo.don’t.look.at.it.don’t.look.at.it.don’t.look.at.it.don’t.look.at.it.big.smile.big.smile.just.give.her.the.rose.so.I.don’t.have.to.look.at.it.nubby.nubby.nubby.nubby.big.smile.rose.ceremony.time.phew!”

Trying to enunciate her slurred speech, Lindsay says her stomach’s in knots, but I’m guessing that’s her body’s way of telling her she’s about to throw up. Final roses go to Amanda, Lesley M., Kacie B., Kristy, Daniella, Taryn, and Lindsay.

The rejects shed some tears over a man they just met. If it were me, I’d be crying, too, but because I wouldn’t get to go on all those amazing vacations. And I won’t lie—it’s a bit of a “bumski” to see Barbie Ass, a.k.a. 50 Shades of Drunk, exit so early because she would have brought tons of entertainment, dirty dancing and lip-biting.

On the upside, my favorites made it through: Lesley M. and Desiree. Now, as always, I know who Sean picks, and I have a vague idea of the pecking order (although I will be reviewing that again after this post for my own personal satisfaction). Nevertheless, I will not let my favorites dictate or spoil my posts. Who knows? My picks might even change as I watch the magic unfold. You’ll just have to keep watching and reading to see if my picks include Sean’s future fiancée or perhaps a future Bachelorette or Bachelor Pad contestant. Until next week… keep your rape whistles ready.

Posted in Bachelor Mondays | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Matthew McConaughey wins Bachelor Pad 3

Posted by emzkbd on September 11, 2012

It finally came and went, and no, I’m not talking about Chris in the bedroom. The Bachelor Pad 3 had to be one of the most epic conclusions to a Bachelor-esque season we’ve ever seen. I knew all along how it played out, but I still had to watch. Drama you hear/read just isn’t the same as the train wreck you witness.

Upon introductions of the cast, no one claps for the twins or Jamie, and the defending champ Michael gives the audience a homo-sexy wave. Sometimes I wonder how this one scores with the ladies!

Throughout the course of the finale, Chris Harrison takes a look back, and each time I fast-forward. If I wanted to re-cap the season’s best moments, I’d re-read my posts.

The first pressing topic to be addressed is the status of Kalon and Lindzi, who confirm they’re doing an LDR, but Ericka Rose chimes in with “Be careful”. Apparently, she claims he’s been seen with different women, to which Lindzi looks like a tanorexic deer in headlights. This all comes after Ericka Rose says she’s not good at lying or manipulating; somehow, I would disagree with that. Right, Reality Steve?

Next up, Michael hops into the hot seat to re-hash his dramatic exit and his relationship with Rachel. He admits to betraying Ericka Rose, but it was only because he couldn’t take her gaveling ways any longer. Michael also says he was not looking for a wife because it’s Bachelor Pad—cesspool of venereal disease.

Chris Harrison asks how things are with him and Rachel, to which Hatchet Face—who doesn’t appear too hatchet-y these days—insists “she’s not okay”. I guess their friendship is back on because I certainly don’t defend my frenemies. Michael called Rachel his “girlfriend” and “didn’t want to close the book” on their relationship, otherwise known as “friends with long distance benefits”.

 

Hatchet Face, who was apparently trying to be like Britney or Ashley, says she played the most loyal game. Taking away your best friend’s chance to win $250,000, it’s unforgivable so she damn well better get a Coach purse outta this.

Chris Harrison asks if there’s still animosity and she says she’s still angry and their friendship has never been the same. Hatchet Face claims she was the “Puppetmaster”, controlling the game, and I would tend to agree. She and Ed gave out a lot of roses, they were likable, and they had a hand in convincing a lot of people whom to vote for.

Blakeley, the aesthetician yearning for cable TV, steps into the hot seat in her very bohemian chic garb with color-blocking and cutouts. She does her best not to trash-talk Chris, but she does get into it with the Queen of the Nile—clearly, this one’s got wayyy too much going on.

Jamie: “Jaclyn claims I’m fake…”

Jaclyn: “You are…”

Blakeley: “You are…”

It all started with those eyelashes, honey! The Most Real Person You’ll Ever Meet calls Jamie socially awkward and unable to communicate with women, which is probably why she did that lap dance for Ben and not the other women during his season.

Back to Blakeley… Chris Harrison, did you even watch the show? It’s a “donkey-punch” to the throat. Blakeley gets so emotional while talking about her amazing man, or as America likes to call him “Mr. Pathetic.” Based on her speech, it’s evident that Tony was the first man to give her an orgasm.

Tony claims to have been creepin’ on her because he had a doofy crush but got friend-zoned instead. I guess now his ass is the only one she’ll have bleach because they announce they’re moving in together, but then Tony segways into the longest proposal EVER. Chris Harrison is about to pee his panties, while Blakeley looks like someone is gonna jump out and donkey-punch her in the throat—PSYCH!

At first, it looked she was gonna say “Are you kidding me? Get the fuck out. I can’t marry you after a month of hand-holding during reality show clip time.” But in the end, she said yes, and now she gets a lifetime of cable. So glad you found a new mommy for your son, Tony!

An hour in, the final two couples come out: Matthew McConaughey and his partner—the future Marlboro spokeswoman—and Gerard Butler and his whore.

 

Right off, Rachel targets Michael and his womanizing ways. She felt like their relationship was growing and they might have had something special after the show like Blakeley and Tony’s shotgun wedding. Michael just responds, “Yeah, we kissed, so what? I’m a musician, and I tell women what they want to hear all the time. That’s how I get laid. Bowchickabowwow.”

It sounds like Michael told her he didn’t want an LDR while they were cuddling and making out. Then weeks later, she found out he was dating someone else long distance. Been there, done that!

On the other hand, Nick says he stayed out of all the “stupid” drama. By referring to “stupid” he’s actually referring to Chris, who apparently took a beating from his parents for his mistreatment of Jamie and Blakeley. Jamie says Chris wouldn’t have been a great father for Emily’s daughter Ricki. Chris says it’s unfortunate she feels that way because the only baggage he has is moving to Maryland. More on that soon…

Chris Harrison lets the former castmates ask questions, and Hatchet Face wants to know why Rachel didn’t fight harder to bring her and Ed to the end. Rachel says “I wanted the money, bitch. Get over it!”

Chris Harrison asks the Lightening Rod for Controversy if he regrets his decisions, to which he responds, “No, it’s a game.” Blakeley points out that they [the former castmates] are the ones voting. David appreciates Chris’s gamer-side but says Chris lacked remorse for what he’d done to Blakeley and Jamie. Either Chris was high, like Nick was most of the time, or the editing was really bad because his rebuttal was there were no rules so he brought Ericka Rose into the deliberation room where she gave him a handy.

Sarah tries to defend Chris; everyone rolls their eyes. What did Chris learn? He has to juggle his women better. He plays the humbled card, telling everyone to vote for Sarah, not him. One thing never addressed though? Sarah and Chris’s relationship. Word has it that he just packed up from Chicago to open a restaurant in Maryland. Well, Sarah lives in St. Louis… but she is a bartender, so maybe Chris can give her a job and they can continue having sex in strange places.

On to the voting, where only the most important people are allowed to speak:

Michael gives Rachel (also Nick) a sympathy vote since she no longer gets to snuggle with his peen.

Jamie hates that Chris is banging Sarah, so she votes for Rachel & Nick (R&N).

Kalon is bros with Chris, so he throws a vote his way.

Ed votes for R&N. I really don’t know why. Chris is seen shaking his head in disgust. What’s weird is that Reality Steve says Ed and some other formers Bachelor/ette alums, including Graham, are backing Chris’s restaurant, so who knows?

Blakeley wants to donkey punch Chris in the throat. We already knew this. She gives her vote to R&N.

David appreciated Chris’s playa style, so he gives Chris & Sarah (C&S) a vote.

Ericka Rose’s vote is the other one that baffles me, since I thought she was friends with Rachel and Hatchet Face. Instead, she ended up tossing one to C&S.

Reid votes for R&N because Sarah gave him herpes.

Lindzi votes for R&N because she and Rachel used to split a carton of Reds during Ben’s season.

Donna votes for R&N because the gold digger wants to finish where she left off with Nick. See below.

Tony votes for R&N because if he voted the other way Blakeley would probably throw the ring at him.

Final vote—it comes down to the ex-BFF! Well played, Mr. Harrison!

Hatchet Face says she wants to stick to her loyal game, so she votes for R&N. The ex-besties hug it out! Turns out, all the remaining votes were for R&N anyway. Better luck next season, Chris! Hopefully you’ll have some fresh punani to fry!

It’s here that most of America figured out how the show would end because ABC likes to give it away in the previews. Since Rachel already had it out with Michael, there was only one other person left to get that angry at.

Rachel says she really trusts Nick, i.e. you better be voting “Share”, too! Nick confirms that by saying “we’re on the same page.” How it works: If both pick “share”, they split the money. If both pick “keep”, neither of them gets the money; the rest of the cast gets to split it. If one picks “keep” and the other picks “share”, then the one who picks “keep” gets to keep all the money.

They deliberate while everyone else speculates what they’ll decide. Hatchet Face wants Rachel to pick keep because she deserves it more. Strategist David says Nick has to be debating whether or not he’ll share with someone who wanted to go home. Good Christian Chris sees the light and thinks they’ll share, and Reid and Michael agree because no one can be that greedy—except Chris “SWAT” who would take the money and run to his Bachelor Pad hideout where he watches re-runs of the show in his underwear with a glass of vino and bottle of lube. Oh no, that’s just my Friday night!

(No bloopers this time—sad face—but the montage of Nick-knocking during the credits makes up for it.)

Rachel and Nick return with their quarter-million-dollar decisions, escorted by bodyguards in case someone tries to snatch ‘em. Rachel is up first. She wanted love and money, but she didn’t come on the show for half the money. However, she says she couldn’t win without a partner (or in her case, Hatchet Face) so she picked “share”.

Nick’s monologue is a little more honest and a lot more winded. He says no one would have predicted he could make it that far; Hatchet Face said he didn’t deserve to be there, and Ed said he was an “anonymous guy”. He did it all by himself because nobody cared what he did. Rachel never wanted to be his partner and tried to leave him three times; she was only thinking about Michael, so he picked “keep”… and the crowd goes wiiiiild.

I completely agree with this decision. He flew under the radar, and he helped win their final challenge. Then he convinced Rachel to bring Chris and Sarah because they would get more votes. Nick also made a great point: no one signed on to the show hoping to walk away with half the money. Rachel wants someone to punch Nick. I want her to stop smoking.

If it were me, unless I was partnered with a boyfriend or best friend, I would have kept the money, too. The only thing I can give Rachel is that, yes, being ripped from a relationship, as she was, would set you apart from the rest of the competitors. Then again, Kalon points out none of them “deserved” the money. It’s a game, and Nick is a schmuck with $250,000.

One of my favorite parts was when Michael tries to stand up for Rachel, saying Nick is ignoring someone right next to him who is completely devastated. Nick replies, “Well then console her. You weren’t sympathetic either.”

The music plays out; Nick rises and leaves, but Rachel chases him out. Hatchet Face is disgusted that she gave him $250,000, and Ericka Rose says if she were Rachel and didn’t end up with love or money, she’d kill herself.  Watching Rachel verbally attack Nick, I can’t help but imagine how her breakup with Michael played out.

Nick apologizes and says he has to go. Rachel: “Oh, I’m sorry, you have to go.” Nick: “I played this game brilliantly. Buh bye.” And off he goes to Vegas with his big bag of money! Maybe he should bet on the next Bachelor. Sounds like it’s going to be Sean, which will make for excellent TV this January when a ton of slutbags try to shove their panties in his pocket.

Until then, I hope to blog some alternative posts to keep you entertained—most likely discussions on movies, TV shows, and relationships. Stay tuned!

Posted in Bachelor Mondays | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

How about another COCKamamie challenge?

Posted by emzkbd on August 29, 2012

Finale spoilers are out, but no, I won’t spoil it, athough I will say that it sounds like it will be the most gory Bachelor Pad—even Bachelor franchise—finale we’ve seen in awhile. Stay tuned for that on September 10!

On to Monday night’s episode, we begin with the Widow Rachel bawling her eyes out because the love of her fifteen-minutes-of-fame has been sent home. Jaclyn, a.k.a. Hatchet Face, tries to comfort her; although in that moment, I’m sure no one wants to look at that face.

Chris Harrison comes back into the mansion after the rose ceremony to tell everyone they’ll be competing as couples—which means Rachel has to pair up with Nick, “who hasn’t spoken this entire season time.”

Chris and Sarah are gloating because they survived, while Ed and his posse are reeling that those two are still there.

The next morning the crew is greeted by a big yellow school bus. Blakeley may want to consider taking the shortbus. “Well, the school bus will probably take us to a school. Perfect—not my strong suit!” Buses or schools or academia in general?

Principal Harrison meets them at a performing arts center, where the remaining contestants will compete in the First Annual Bachelor Pad Spelling Bee. Does that mean they plan on doing this challenge again? If so, I don’t think the shortbus will hold everyone.

Principal Harrison explains how a spelling bee works. Come on, I’m sure even mentally handicapped children know what it entails; although in this version, the couples have to alternate letters while spelling.

Once the guest judges arrive from Hogwarts, the contestants begin spelling a round of simple four letter words. At least they all passed the first grade. Kalon does his best Sherminator (from American Pie) impression: “It may be summer, but school’s in session. And Kalon and Linzdi have this in the bag.” Should have said backpack, dude! Would have been way cooler!

The brightest bulb in the bunch—Sarah—calls everyone an idiot, and I’d say that was a good assessment. “A” for effort!

Hatchet Face: “Literally, the little bell ringer—Harry Potter—was disgusted with us… I will put you on that bus and send you off to a faraway place where mommy and daddy won’t know where you are.” You mean, Hogwarts is real?!

The competition comes down to Ed & Jaclyn and Chris & Sarah. Chris knows “philanderer” by heart, while Ed and Hatchet Face struggle with “boutonniere” (yes, I had to spell check that one) and “flabbergasted” (which I can understand wanting to use an “H” because that’s how you spell “aghast”, as in “I am aghast when I look at Jaclyn’s face”).

Everyone was rooting for Ed and Hatchet Face. The spelling bee continues through 14 rounds because no one knows how to spell anything. Ed and Hatchet Face get to spell “cockamamie”, and they have no trouble with the cock part.

Kalon: “Ed’s been fucking Jaclyn this whole time, but now he’s fucking us.”

Chris and Sarah win it on “serendipity”, and it is quite fitting because that was an easy word. Those lucky bastards! Blakeley begins to have hot flashes. Principal Harrison tells Chris and Sarah—who now think they’re the smartest people in the world—that they won roses and an overnight date, which starts immediately. Ed and Hatchet Face also get an overnight date because producers want to encourage as much sex as possible.

On National Chris and Sarah day—or as I like to call it “When pigs think they can fly” day—they land near Blakeley and Tony’s campsite where they board a toy train. Sarah hopes it’ll take them somewhere “very, very cool” because she feels like a Babe in Toyland. Miraculously they somehow managed to wear their bathing suits to the challenge so they could romantically jump into a lake while a cover of a Coldplay melody plays in the background. You know the one!

Chris is debating if he wants to take their relationship to the next level. Liiiiiike butt sex? I’m not really sure where else you can go from where you’ve been, Chris.

At the mansion, Rachel is attacking her face with a makeup brush. Jab, jab, jab! Hatchet Face says Rachel’s a stage seven earthquake who’s about to crumble leave because she doesn’t want to play the game without Michael. She also tells some of the guys that her original alliance was with Rachel and Blakeley. Hold the phone! That first night, weren’t Hatchet Face and Rachel trash-talking Blakeley behind her back—making fun of her glittery skirt and her ability to make an asshole fuzz free?

Once Rachel has attempted to conceal her dark circles, she and Nick have a heart-to-heart. I’m surprised he didn’t grope her and slip his tongue in her throat like he did when he consoled Donna on her last night in the mansion. Rachel just doesn’t feel like Nick’s tiny peen is worth the money.

Next thing you know it’s nightfall, and Chris and Sarah are dining in a barn—one more place for her to check off her “Sex in Alternative Places” list. Chris can’t wait to talk about Emily, but he’s quick to correct Sarah that he DID have another relationship—his sophomore year of high school. Code for playa!

Chris: “I think great things come unexpectedly, and I can honestly say that you came unexpectedly. Now I’m going to cum unexpectedly… on your face.”

Sarah: “There’re so many different sides to Chris that people don’t get to see, but that’s okay because I’m getting to see them… like his hairy backside.”

In another dark part of California, Hatchet Face and Blakeley are reassuring Debbie Downer, who still wants to go home.

Hatchet Face: “If you’re ever feeling lonely, just come to us… ABC can film it and air it on Skinemax like Big Brother, which airs after dark on Showtime.”

The girls strategize to send home Kalon and Lindzi because Lindzi hasn’t invested that much in the game, only in Kalon’s peen. Crisis averted—Rachel agrees to stay so she can win and take Michael and his new girlfriend on a vacation. Blakeley, on the other hand, wants to get cable… to watch Skinemax. At least that explains the hilarious skit at the end where Ed (as Tony) is doggie-styling Sarah (as Blakeley). Hatchet Face tells her she also can quit waxing assholes.

Back on the date, Sarah tells Chris that they have something so unique, different and special than everyone else in the house. I call that a venereal disease, although at this point I’m sure Ed and Hatchet Face share that, too.

Chris says Sarah is the kind of person who lives life to the fullest by banging every single guy she can in as many places as possible. Chris is also trying to pull one over on Sarah AND on the rest of America by telling us that he might have a future with her. Now I don’t know if they’re still together, but I would bet money that he’s moved on to banging other former contestants.

The next day Ed and Hatchet Face get to “castaway” and talk about their feelings. Sarah: “What’s castaway?” Clearly, Sarah is not Tom Hanks fan, but she sure does feel bad for Hatchet Face. Blakeley says, “Jaclyn should have kneed Ed in the ‘you-know-what’.” From donkey-punch to the throat to traumatizing a penis, Blakeley sure does know her self-defense mechanisms.

Ed and Hatchet Face depart in a tiny plane, and during her plane ride Hatchet Face admits to letting out a little “OHHH”, which sounds more pleasurable than terrified. They touchdown in the most god-forsaken land ever, and the plane leaves them to their awkward conversation.

Ed admits he’s been pursuing someone back home for awhile. They broke up because he is an inevitable cheater who knew his peen would be getting some exercise on Bachelor Pad. Hatchet Face says she didn’t know about this other girl, but since Ed told Sarah he thought it would get around like she does. What a doozy, huh Jaclyn? She’s always the girl getting effed in the end… or in the beginning, depending on how you look at it.

At the mansion, Tony is falling for Blakeley. He sets the mood, although I’m sure he could have done a lot less to get into her panties. He begins to reveal his stalker tendencies: “She’s the first thing I think about when I wake up and make hand party, and the last thing I think about when I go to bed with the lotion and Kleenex… You have very pretty eyes that I want to preserve in wax…  I won’t hurt you unless you misbehave.”

Blakeley says she needs a strong (hairy) lumber man she can wax and she hopes their short-term relationship lasts outside the show. Well, it sounds like you both have wax in common. That’s a start!

Ed and Hatchet Face head to dinner. Apparently she thinks they’re having a slutty wedding because she’s wearing a oh-so-short doily. More awkward conversation ensues.

Ed: “Is this a Facebook status thing? Because if so, then it’s definitely complicated.”

Hatchet Face: “You’re making me feel like an insignificant piece of shit. I don’t want to look like a whore.” Too late!

Ed: “Ok, I don’t want to look like an asshole. Let’s put a definition around this. Should we check Facebook first? By the way, we have amazing sex chemistry. I still want to continue being close to you… with my peen. Sleeping in the same bed as you is very comforting and it makes my peen very happy. Let’s make out!”

Hatchet Face: “Why is he acting like such a douche?! We have bonded in more ways than one… in more positions than Sarah can count. Why not just keep going with the flow? It is what it is—a dirty, nasty hookup.” Been there, done that!

Another morning after… Ed and Hatchet Face return with roses to save another couple. Hatchet Face wants people to plead their case, even though they’ve already made up their minds. Blakeley immediately lays on the kiss-ass. She pledges allegiance to the Ed and Hatchet Face and their United States of Bullshit.

When it’s Lindzi and Kalon’s turn, Lindzi admits that she’s only friends with Hatchet Face on a surface level. Have you seen her surface level lately? Goo! Then Lindzi gets kinky and offers to be their bitch. In the end though, Blakeley and Tony get the roses.

Kalon: “Just because we’re not emotional alcoholics running around crying about our feelings, doesn’t mean we can’t win.” I’m thinking he should have re-thought his strategy.

Meanwhile, Nick isn’t worried in the least, as he stuffs his face with… what exactly? Since when do they get catered food? Rachel, too, looks like she’s been stress-eating—either that or she bought her dresses two sizes too small.

Kalon calls Lindzi an “absolute priority.” He sits her down and tells her how’s it’s going to go. Kalon: “We don’t have any blood on our hands, so let’s act like the bitches we are.”

Kalon lays it on thick with Blakeley and Tony: “Hey, power couple… I hope you maintain the integrity of your vote.” Sly smile, wink, thumbs up! They eat it up. Tony: “Kalon’s my boy!” What’s with him and Chris? Why weren’t they saying this when Kalon was referring to Ricki as “baggage”?

Nick corners Blakeley and Tony, and clearly he is not as eloquent as Kalon. “Ugh, err, umm, I’ve had your backs this entire time. Kalon’s a snake in the grass.” He starts digging a hole, and Rachel calls him a lunatic.

Tony:  “Nick kinda shot from the mouth when he shouldn’t have… and if Ed were around I’m sure he would have shot right back. It would have been a cock fight for sure.” Kalon can be heard cackling in the courtyard. “With these idiots, the power of suggestion is a lovely, lovely thing.”

Lo and behold, Blakeley and Tony get all buddy-buddy with Chris and Sarah. These four are talking like old friends who haven’t seen each other naked yet. Tony: “Nick should be lucky to BE in his position. I wonder if he can even spell ‘serendipity’. Rachel is vulnerable and probably an easy lay like Sarah… or Jaclyn. Take your pick.”

Meanwhile, Rachel is having another meltdown, so someone breaks the rules and lets her call Michael, who is like “Why are you calling me? I have concert dates to schedule and crappy Gavin Degraw-like songs to write.”

Nick: “She’s talking to Michael. {eye roll} Why would you do that? It’s STUPID.” {Smacks forehead}

In the kitchen, Nick demonstrates what he’d like to do to Rachel by smashing a rose on the countertop. After everyone votes, Kalon and Lindzi are sent home. Lindzi: “Bye friends… thanks for sending us home!” But Kalon wants to keep the nooky alive by hopping in her limo.

They’re falling in love (aww). Will they survive? Only in Bachelor fantasyland…

Posted in Bachelor Mondays | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Love don’t come easy, but your peen sure does

Posted by emzkbd on August 21, 2012

Well, well, well, if it isn’t Blakeley’s Pad. (Maybe I should have re-thought that opening!)

After last week’s Blakeley versus Jamie Who-Gives-Better-Head Showdown, we’re left with the inner musings of a donkey-punching horse face.  That would be Blakeley, who feels like she won the lottery and could use the money for a breast reduction so that her ginormous ta-tas don’t distract from her winning personality. She compares her shady partner Chris to the shit on the bottom of her shoe. Wait, she stepped in shit?

Cut to Chris, climbing into his bunk bed, sighing “Woe is me… Blakeley has taken over my life… now I’ll never get laid again.” Blah blah blah… I’d really love to see one of those bunk beds implode and crash to the floor, preferably with Chris nestled inside. Then they’d have so much room for activities in there!

Sarah appears and wants to make hand party with Chris. His response: “TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF… you might have stepped in the same shit as Blakeley. Oh wait, I’m the shit!”

The remaining contestants stay up late gabbing like schoolgirls at a slumber party. They’re all in agreement that Chris should just pack his bags, take the next flight home, and schedule a VD test. Meanwhile, Chris is trying to find the rat… not the one hiding out in their kitchen.

Kalon’s a liar? So what! Man-child Chris can’t handle the truth. He thinks he and Kalon were in it together, but Kalon admitted to voting for Jamie. At that, Chris wants to slap Kalon in the face and Sarah on the ass.

Coincidentally, Sarah finds a rose in Chris’s sheets and feels like she’s back on The Bachelor all over again. “Chris is so sweet. He removed all the petals from this rose and hid it under his pillow for me to find. Nevermind! That Jamie bitch probably stashed it here as a death threat.” To which Kalon replies, “That’s how he got Emily.” Yeah, that and “I TOLD YOU I LOVED YOU. I thought that was the universal phrase for panty dropping.”

From the bed to the couch (yeah, that’s how she rolls), Sarah follows Chris like a lap dog. Chris confronts Ed, and Ed defends Hatchet Face. Sarah: “Ed? How can you only trust Jaclyn? We had sex. I thought that meant something.” Now I’m starting to see the chemistry between Sarah and Chris.

The Grown-Ass Man and Ed bicker about their votes. Ed apologizes, says the game is stupid, and is handed a wine glass and told to smash it to bits for no apparent reason other than Chris is a whiny baby. As my friend Kait said, I just want to give him a pacifier, and as Hatchet Face said, “He wants to have a good time with nipples in his mouth.” Same diff!

For this week’s challenge—the Great Fall of China, har har har—the contestants have to stack and carry dishware. Blakeley is soooo glad she worked at Boobs & Wings Hooters for thirty-five thirteen years, but Ericka Rose is jealous because she feels like she has yet to find a challenge that caters to her strengths. Like shopping … or botox!

Needless to say, these ladies weren’t sugar plum fairies, and it takes forever. I could have finished a cup of tea before they finished the challenge. And just when Chris thinks Sarah has it in the sink, she gets a little handsy and touches her cups. Chris is turned on until Blakeley wins.

During commercial, Chris Harrison asked if I was the perfect match for the next Bachelor? I looked down at my vagina, thought it looked a little too clean, and decided it could use some corruption. I’ll be sending my application and lacy panties shortly.

Next up are the guys, who appear more poised and concentrated. Reigning champ Blakeley coaches Tony, which causes Chris to say Blakeley is over-the-top and can’t keep her mouth shut. Like when she had your penis in it? I bet that was a good time.

In the end though, Blakeley’s big mouth helped Tony win, and to show his gratitude Tony pledges to be the best long-term partner he can be to Blakeley. Wow, this guy is wasting no time finding a new mommy for his kid. Rumor has it that he might propose at the BP finale taping this weekend. I wonder if the producers will stage it like they did with Holly and Blake last season.

Later, Chris Harrison returns to confirm Blakeley will take Tony on her date. Since this is a repeat of last week’s scenario, Blakeley gets to hand out a rose to another guy—Kalon. She also gets to choose between two dates—a romantic evening or the overnight date. Since her vagina felt left out with Chris and his many concubines, she hopes to get lucky (and spoiled) on the overnight date, which means Kalon gets a romantic evening with a pretty woman—Lindzi. They get the basic Bentley and diamonds date! Nothing too flashy! Pffft…

Blakeley is trying to contain her jealousy, but she’s optimistic. “If they get Bentley and diamonds, I can’t imagine what we get!” I’m guessing this is a “Less is more” lesson to be learned.

Since Kalon always has a driver/pilot/babysitter, he gets lost on his way to their date—a dinner on a secluded bridge with a chandelier that looks like it could fall at any second. Before their meal, Kalon launches into a romantic dialogue, during which Lindzi acknowledges his sentiments with a tardy laugh.

Back at the mansion, Chris plans to drink until he passes out. He went from King of the Castle to the manure man, so he starts conspiring to send Lindzi home because she’s trapped in Kalon’s spell. Clearly, because she’s spread eagle on the Bentley!

The next day, Tony plants to put his peen the moves on Blakeley, who is stressin’ about the date. Ed tells her to relax… because no one cares. Chris thinks their date will be awkward because Blakeley is so overpowering. Yeah, I totally saw her holding you down, Chris, and sticking her tongue down your throat, you man whore!

After all the build-up of what it could be, Blakeley steps outside to find a map, a jeep…  and a date with a lumber salesman, a.k.a. Mr. Pathetic, a.k.a. Tony. In a matter of seconds, so fast it’ll make your head spin, Blakeley can’t decide if she wants to let her hair down (wink, wink) or put it in pigtails. Either way, I think Tony’s dick will end up in her mouth trough. Queue Chris: “Blakeley, why the long face?”

On the other hand, Ericka Rose thinks this is the perfect date for someone trashy like Blakeley. She’s got masculine tattoos, and she used to work at Hooters. Forget about the pigtails, fake tits, and nearly nude pics… Ericka is obviously spot on with her definition of “trashy.”

As they drive away, Kalon says he and Blakeley are good friends, and he never would have seen Blakeley and Tony ending up together. Probably because she’s a preying-mantis who will donkey punch you to the throat rather than bite your head off.

Blakeley is still waiting for a helicopter or diamond earrings to drop out of the sky, but instead, they pull up to a trailer. She seems upset, but isn’t that the typical abode for a Hooters waitress?

Back at the house, Chris wants to suck (up to) and blow it over with Ed. Apparently their experimental phase isn’t over. After they do their thang, Chris has Ed on board to take out Lindzi.

Over to more sucking and blowing… oh wait, that comes later. Tony and Blakeley are grilling in the desert. Blakeley asks Tony if he wants a big piece because obviously that what she wants—whether it’s a diamond or his peen. She’s really willing to open up to Tony, so much so that she basically confesses she’s afraid to be left and she plans to latch on to Tony like a parasite.

Tony is like the “Jamie” of the men—naïve. “You’ve been with the wrong dudes, and I think I’d be different for you. I’ve been hurt the worst you can get hurt—by putting my peen inside an impregnable woman. I just want to live in the moment and see where it goes, and by it, I’m still referring to my peen.”

Meanwhile, Michael is wooing Rachel by pulling a Womack (pulling Emily aside at a rose ceremony with a picnic). He talks about his ex; she swoons.

Simultaneously, Tony turns on the jeep radio and finds this gem—“Love don’t come easy.” He and Blakeley slow dance under the stars. Then EVERYONE starts making out, except for Hatchet Face who only gets to stroke Ed’s head. If all the couples were together, it would be an orgy fo shizzle.

The next morning, Blakeley and Tony make their walk of shame—shameful because they couldn’t bathe. As they re-cap their date for their other housemates, Tony is smitten. Chris thinks he’s been brainwashed and the next day they’ll get married on the wet Bachelor driveway.

Chris pulls Tony aside and tells him he doesn’t want Tony to give Lindzi the rose. So Tony consults Blakeley, who is ready to send Chris and Sarah home, but Tony thinks Sarah is a good person. Oh no! Did she blow you, too?

Tony is about to present the rose when Chris, the king of curve balls, interjects and pulls Tony aside, again. Chris is always trying to change the rosegiver’s mind at the last minute, and in this case, it seemingly worked well for everyone. Tony doesn’t give the rose to Lindzi or Sarah; instead he hands it to Hatchet Face. The world may never know why…

Before the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison checks the relationship pulses of all the couples. Everyone admits to being romantically involved with their partner, but Ed emotionally slaps Hatchet Face in the… errr, hatchet face… when he says their relationship is strictly platonic.

Then Mr. Harrison says he wants to shake things up, so he’s bringing in strippers. Just kidding! Unless you count Blakeley! To switch it up, everyone must vote for a girl, and whoever that girl is gets to take out any guy she chooses. Before he leaves, Mr. Harrison also says they’ll have Depends available for any contestant who pisses or shits themselves because of his announcement.

The strategizing begins. Forget Depends, Michael needs to take a shower after this rose ceremony since he’s gunning for his “friend” Ericka Rose. He hopes she’ll think that Chris is the mastermind of that plan, since he’s done so well thus far.

In a more quiet section of the house, Hatchet Face and Ed are staring at each other. Her expression reads, “You fucking dick.” His: “You only get what you give.” And, BOOM, the ugly cry is back!  Ed apologizes and claims to be pursuing someone back home. Good luck with that, girlie!

Once Ericka Rose finds out Chris is plotting her demise, she goes straight to the source. After being prompted by Kalon, Chris proceeds to take Ericka into the deliberation room and stuff that ballot box. She is so impressed that she confronts Michael and says if she goes home then she’s taking the house down with her. Once the roses are given, Ericka picks Michael to leave with her. She calls him out as a dictator and a tiny little man. Michael admits to getting off Ericka. Eww! This is not going well!

Ericka also pulls the mother of all low blows, telling Michael that dumping him and marrying Blake was the smartest decision Holly ever made. Rachel breaks down at the mere mention of Holly and wants to go home, too, but Michael convinces her to stay and find a new peen to play with. With that, Nick is all ears!

Posted in Bachelor Mondays | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

We’ve got a stage five clinger… she’ll find you

Posted by emzkbd on August 15, 2012

If The Bachelor portrays the fairy tale, then Bachelor Pad epitomizes the pages of He’s Just Not That Into You. At least Monday night’s episode sure did! From Prince Charming to emotional rapists, oh how the mighty have fallen.

We begin after the most shocking rose ceremony ever… not really because Reid started to dig his own grave last week and Donna’s big tits couldn’t keep her fan-dom afloat any longer. Ed cannot believe his name was being called, which much be a change because I’m sure he hears it repeatedly from all the skanks he drags home. Speaking of… Hatchet Face tells him he’s “a winner, not a loser” … snort, snort… like Dumby McDumberstein. At least that’s how it sounded to me.

In other news, Jamie doesn’t have any friends, so she’s prepared to suck a lotta dick this week to stick around.

This week’s challenge is meant to start drama. The remaining contestants have to complete a survey about their castmates. Kalon expects lots of tears because every answer will be either Ericka or him… who’s the ugliest, who’s the smartest. I can’t lie—Kalon is a stitch and I love him!

What sounds like The Price is Right is actually “The Price is Your Dignity.” First women, then men, have to answer some trivia—both pop culture and Bachelor-themed—and then some questions about fellow contestants.

Ericka: “It all came down to who can stick their hand on that buzzer first.” Well gee, I had no idea most of these whores could make hand party or using a buzzing device. I’m looking at you Ericka Rose.

When it came to the personal questions, Rachel almost peed her pants. Why? I’m not sure—embarrassment, anxiety, overactive bladder. She never quite explained.

What did we learn?

Ed is a narcissistic old-timer who daydreams about ménage a trois.

Blakeley has accomplished the least because she’s spent so much time pole-dancing. The dizzying effects have given her amnesia… so she can’t remember the number of sex partners she’s had.

Ericka Rose eats her hair, probably because she tries to starve herself but gets hungry and eats whatever she sees first flailing in front of her face.

David has sexy thoughts about the women because he can’t get any sexy time with any one. Period. Remember when Jamie put him in the friend zone last week?

Sarah will get it on with anyone, anywhere—including a parking garage.

Jamie wants to pee on Chris… because HE’S SOOOO HOT. Just marking her territory! She’s also hanging on every guy like the trimmings on a Christmas tree, she thinks Hatchet Face is faker than the eyelashes she (Jamie) wears, and who could forget that Blakeley still hates her vajazzling guts.

Nope, I think I already knew all this. Let me check my previous posts…

Ed and Jaclyn win the competition, and Rachel and David had the lowest scores so they get penalty votes at the rose ceremony. Afterward, Jamie has a meltdown, so Kalon corners her with his unbuttoned shirt and “soothes” her. “When you put a dog down, you pet its head.” I cringed so hard I came.

Meanwhile, Blakeley is having a freak-out because Chris was cheering for Sarah during the competition. He thinks she’s gonna stab him, but what we already know is that she wants to donkey-punch him in the throat. I am looking forward to this show down next week very much.

And then it’s Date Day, and Hatchet Face gets her first Bachelor date. Maybe it’s because no one wants to be alone with her butter face. Did you see all the guys? Their expressions read: “Please don’t pick me. I can’t bear to look at your ugly mug for more than 10 seconds.”

She ends up picking Ed (can they say no?), and Sarah thinks it’s sooooo annoying. “She’s under this illusion that her and Ed are in this really, like, deep partnership. And she now thinks that being a ‘partner’ is being, like, a life partner… in a relationship.” 1. What other life partners are there? Like Misty May and Kerri? 2. What does she think she and Ed have, other than a positive HIV test?

Ed and Hatchet Face go to an empty Dodger stadium. Hatchet thinks they’re tiny little ants… which I’d like to spray with Raid. Ed feels like he’s at the White House, where great things happen, since he’s probably a Cubs fan. Ed sings the National Anthem Row, Row, Row Your Boat; I giggle. Then they play with some balls, which Hatchet Face is used to since no guy wants to be intimate with her face unless it’s with his junk. Ed gets a hummer homer.

Back at the house, Sarah says, “Ed and Jaclyn have only hooked up one time, and so did I, but I didn’t claim him, at least not to his face like Jaclyn did. Our hook-up was way more intense.”

Before things get sexy at the ballpark, Hatchet Face reads a note from Chris Harrison. Oh you silly man, you always know when to kill the mood with your roses! Apparently, Ed will be forgoing his date because he already got a rose and a date with Hatchet Face. Instead, he gets to give a rose to another dude. Wait, I thought The Bachelor – Homoerotic Encounters was too controversial for ABC?

In the hot tub, we find Rachel and Blakeley. No, not in that way! Blakeley’s bitchin’ about Chris’s cheerleading skills at the challenge. I don’t know about you, but I heard “Be Aggressive, B-E AGGRESSIVE!” Isn’t that what these women have been doing?

Chris can’t wait until Blakeley goes to bed so he can get some. He admits to being sneaky with his Mr. Squeaky. He also calls Jamie “desperate,” which, let’s face it, she is.

Jamie: “I heard you’re tough to get to bed. Do I have to club you and drag you, caveman-style?”

Chris: “Please stop talking. I just want to look at your boobs.”

In another part of town, Ed and Hatchet Face are sharing a foot-long and licking each other’s faces. They can’t decide whom to give the rose to. Ed is already convinced it should go to his life partner Chris. Sorry, Sarah and Hatchet Face, you were both wrong about Ed!

Next thing you know, Ed and Hatchet Face are on the kiss-cam, and I think I see Ed throw up in his mouth. Once they kiss, the sky lights up with fireworks that spell out “Congratulations, you’ve got herpes.”

As the night wanes, all we see is Chris feelin’ up Jamie, while all we hear is Jamie’s jibber-jabber: “Ohmigosh, am I really in this gorgeous, wonderful man’s arms? I don’t wanna get hurt. I’m not sure I can trust him. I don’t want to get close to you if I’m just leaving. Send Blakeley home so I can have you to myself.”

But Chris just wants some punani, so he macks on her face until she shuts up. Chris: “There’s no spark there.” But in Jamie’s head, and to all us viewers, she’s saying, “I’m so happy. It doesn’t seem like he’s playing a game. He’s just being honest.”  Then…

Chris: “My shorts are wet.”

(How’d that happen?)

Jamie: “Why don’t you take them off?”

Chris: “I’m playing a game here. It’s called ‘Slip ‘N Slide on Jamie’s Vagina’. I’m gonna have all the bitches linin’ up.”

Jamie: “You like me?”

Chris: “I do like you.”

Jamie: “A lot?”

Chris: {Raper voice} “Mayyyyyybe.”

And then more of Jamie’s delusional rant: “I really haven’t felt this way about someone so quickly. Having his big arms wrapped around me and his warm body pressed up against me. I really feel like I can trust him.” 1. Yep, that sounds like emotional rape. 2. Didn’t you just say you can’t trust him?

The next day, overwhelmed with love after Chris finger-dipped her, Jamie gushes to Rachel about how she and Chris should be partners. “Chris was being so sweet to me. We spent the night cuddling, and he held my hand and put his arm around me. It melted me. That’s just so wonderful to have someone caring about me. That is SUCH a good feeling.” Sooooo, that’s what men call an easy lay!

Jamie is hoping Chris gets the rose so he can take her on a date, while Blakeley hopes he gets it to honor what they have as partners. Needless to say, Chris gets the date card, which says to pick the woman who’s ready for some action. Clearly, that’s not Frigidaire Blakeley. He’d spend hours trying to thaw out her nether region. And it’s not Jamie either, because for every action, there’s a reaction. Stage Five Clinger Alert!

Who’s left? Sarah! Huh?! As Blakeley put it, “I guess he wanted some action like the card said.” Before he leaves, he’s cornered by both his former flames. Blakeley wants to know what’s up, so Chris tells her she’s overwhelming and he’d like to switch partners. At least, that’s what I interpreted from their discussion. Blakeley starts to cry. It’s all just so confusing!

Next up is Jamie. Chris tells her that he had to tell Blakeley there is nothing romantic between him and Sarah, and he wishes he could take Jamie, who totally eats up his bullshit. “That’s the great thing about him—he doesn’t get pleasure out of causing pain.” Are you sure about that?

Jamie: “I’m excited for you to get back.”

Chris: “Yeah, I’ll be back.”

Jamie: “You better come back… or I’ll find youuuuu.” Poke, poke!

Chris and Sarah leave for their date, and they’re abducted… to a parking garage. Wait a second… are they going to have sex there? Boy, has Sarah moved on fast from Ed, or what?!

Actually their action-packed date means they’ll be part of an action flick. Some Ang Lee wannabe appears, and Sarah confesses she has three years of kung fu experience. She proceeds to kick Chris’s ass. Next, they have a staring contest; Sarah wants to make out… with his penis. When the cameras start rolling, Sarah struts out in Catwoman leather pants with her VPL and saves Chris from emotional terrorists scary white guys.  After one kiss, Sarah says they can’t keep their hands off each other.

At the house, Chris Harrison arrives with another rose for Ed to present to another lady. Immediately, Blakeley makes herself known. “Ed, what do you want for dinner?” Please, we all know pussy is not something you’re serving up these days, Blakeley. Ed sneaks off to give his rose to Rachel, who just so happens to be Hatchet Face’s bestie.

Strategery begins. Blakeley feels like she could be targeted by rose-toting Chris, but Jamie also wants her gone. The two come face-to-face, and Blakeley admits Chris played her. All Jamie is hearing is Blakeley isn’t interested in Chris anymore, not her unspoken warning “he’ll-do-it-to-you-too.” Jamie can’t WAIT for Chris to get home.

Cut to Chris and Sarah having a rooftop dinner, where they mouth-fuck and he gives her a strawberry rose. They’re tongue-tangoing turns sexually explosive, so much so that Sarah ends up on top of Chris. Producers had to intervene before Chris shplooged in the pool. Chris equates Sarah to a new car, one he plans to ride until he her engine blows.

Back home, Jamie is waiting by the door like a puppy dog, but Chris and Sarah are searching for their hotel room where they plan to have SEX—the really dirty kind.

The next morning, those two come crawling in with their sex hair. Jamie is crushed and cannot believe Chris would do that to her. Obviously, she is not very observant. Otherwise, she and Blakeley would be BFFs.

Later, it’s rose ceremony time, which means the arrival of Chris Harrison and his vagina hands. He plays therapist until the minions scatter. David knows he’s the last fan standing, so as Chris Harrison says, he better work it. Hatchet Face suggests Nick as a possible target, so David proceeds to lather up the other women with sweet talk. As a result, we hear from Nick, who has been silent most of the season. He tries to make a deal with Jamie to vote off Blakeley and David.

When it comes to the men’s votes, it’s a tossup between two crazy bitches—Blakeley and Jamie. Kalon is still running with his “tell-everyone-what-they-want-to-hear” strategy. Meanwhile, Chris is petitioning to send home Blakeley because she causes the most waves; he can screw Jamie into submission, but Blakeley refuses to be screwed with.

Ed tells Chris that he can’t control all his hos under the same roof. Clearly, Blakeley is the bigger threat.  She donkey-punches people in the throat. They should be scared! But as fate would have it, Jamie and David are sent home. Chris feels lied to. How could they send his fuck buddy home?! He tries his best sincere impersonation when Jamie tries to confront him, saying he tried to keep her there. Pfft…

Then the voice of reason speaks: “Chris has been going around starting a lot of little fires in girls’ pants, and if you play with fire, you get burned.” I can’t decide if this is in reference to a venereal disease or… another venereal disease. Tune in next week to see which one!

Posted in Bachelor Mondays | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Sometimes I pee my pants

Posted by emzkbd on July 24, 2012

From the fairytale to the fans versus former floozies, another summer session of Bachelor Pad is upon us. Not only do the contestants get another shot at love, but they also get to forsake their dignity and fight for $250,000. Once again, I know who the final two couples are and how the final four couples shake out, with the exception of the winners, who will be announced when the show airs live in September, hopefully along with a Bachelor announcement (Go Sean!).

Chris Harrison couldn’t be more excited this go-around, probably hoping to scam on a vulnerable vixen. In case Bachelor fans forgot, the host with the most Prozac familiarizes us with some of this season’s contenders.

Who could forget Chris—the one with anger management issues? Chris is playing it cool like he should have been Emily Maynard’s fiancée so this time no one, and nothing, will keep him from winning. I’m talking to you, Blakeley’s fun-bags. Chris says he wants to meet Lindzi from Ben Flajnik’s season.

Lindzi, however, just wants to get back in the saddle. Is this going to be her mantra every season? Clearly she’s looking for a good ride.

Next up is Reid, who I shamelessly stalked on the internet after Jillian Harris’s season because he’s a realtor. I wanted him to sell me a house or let me move into his. Reid detests Ed, who Jillian picked after denying Reid twice. This time, Reid doesn’t want Ed messin’ with his game. Payback is a bitch, Reid, and if the previews suggest anything, it’s probably who ends up with Ed.

What ain’t so bitch? Having two of this biggest terds reppin’ Chi-town. First Chris and now Ed, who admits there WAS some truth to those tabloids, which reported he had cheated on Jillian after the show ended. What a goon—blaming it on the media hoopla! This time, though, he hopes to win the money, and maybe an ad spot with Valtrex.

Someone else who’s probably seen a lot of warts? Blakeley, who left modeling to become a waxer. I’m sure an aesthetician does not even fall into the same salary bracket as a stripper. Poor Blakeley says she loves Jaclyn—who will here forth be known as Hatchet Face—but Jaclyn actually calls them “frenemies.”

Last but not least, Kalon is pretty sure America hates him for speaking his mind. Kalon hopes to ruin our frickin’ summer, but I have a feeling he will make it quite entertaining.

During last season, the show promoted the possibility of fans versus their favorites, and all of my girlfriends urged me apply. Well, I didn’t want to take off my top, make out with my sister, or drone on about finding love. But here’s who DID make the cut:

Paige – Ohmigod, OMG, oh-em-jee, looks like we have a stage two clinger on our hands. See, she’s already doing her research on Chris. “Yahahahahaha you’re my partner. When I see everyone, I’m gonna pee my pants, which has happened before.” Well, if things work out for her, maybe she can market Depends to the twenty-something crowd.

SWAT – I didn’t care to learn his real name. He likes to put on his jammy-wammies, pour a glass of wine, and masturbate to The Bachelor. Anyone else creeped out by this guy, hand in pants, spankin’ it to Emily?

Donna – She claims to be the biggest Bachelor fan, but I think her REAL claim to fame will be to out-bounce Blakeley’s boobies. Like most women in America, she’s also obsessed with the Stag, hates Holly, and intends to challenge Blakeley to a pole dance-off in bikinis.

David – I think he thought he was applying to be the next castmate on Jersey Shore, but oh wait, the twins already did that.

Brittany and Erica – A virgin and a whore—they’ll fit right in; then again, with their ugly faces and speech impediments, they’ll also stand out as the first white trash contestants.

So now it’s time to throw them all together. Everyone starts to arrive at the whore house mansion. Chris says he hopes to heal from his breakup with Emily and use the “L” word sparingly this season. Lindzi arrives with enough cheek stain to be mistaken for an Indian squaw. All she needs is some fringed animal hide, a feather and a papoose! Oh yeah, and how about a horse?

Before he forgets his name, Ed chats with Chris Harrison and tells him he packed those short green shorts. Upon hearing that, I’m sure America mistook Chris’ pallor for arousal. Inside, Lindzi can’t stop talking about horses—she can’t decide which stallion she wants to bridle—and Ed is trying to control his raging boner from Rachel to Sarah, who couldn’t tell the difference between Brad Womack and his twin. I’m pretty sure that’s all she’s known for. Ryan also has had little face time; he’s a 32-year-old virgin in a 64-year-old (sober) man’s body.

Shortly thereafter, Reid and Ed have some (sexual) tension. Must have been those shorts! Wink! You think those made you cringe, wait until you see Hatchet Face, who hates her Fakeley frenemy so much it hurts. Tony arrives; no one cares. Hatchet and Rachel are too busy trash-talkin’ Blakeley—she talks in baby voices, she’s not an intelligent person, she’s not a normal person, her personality (and cleavage) is IN YOUR FACE. Yep, sounds like a stripper to me! I think she wore that outfit so she could take it off… slowly!

Later, the champion Mike Stagliano returns. The Stag just can’t score the lead as The Bachelor, so he’s going to re-submit his app to Bachelor Pad until he’s engaged to someone. Take that Holly! Ericka Rose is also back… for her third straight season. She says she knows Kalon from the Houston social scene, and she admits to selling him out to the tabloids. That’s funny! I don’t remember seeing any nude Kalon pics. She also equates him to Christian Bale in American Psycho. So again, does that mean we’ll be seeing him naked soon? Maybe flexing while thrusting in front of a mirror?? Ericka says Kalon makes fun of her appearance, which she’s worked really hard to perfect— nipping, tucking, sucking, plucking, plumping, etc.

While Ericka is bashing Kalon, Sarah is whining about putting in her time and putting out for other alums (ahem, Reid), so she deserves to be there. She also thinks the fans are going to sniff their underwear because that’s the first thing I’d want to do if I met the Stag. Dogs know what they’re doing!

Now it’s time for the fans to arrive. Donna is a squealer, which means I’m sure we’ll know it’s her under the covers. SWAT has a crush on Chris Harrison (he takes a picture), and Paige crushes on the other Chris (the Stag, standing nearby, runs for the hills). When the twinsies arrive in matching outfits, Ericka Rose declares there’s only room for one set of twins… and she meant Blakeley’s.

As the night continues, Tony shows off his kid, and Ed shows off his future kids… or at least where they’ll come from. Even Chris Harrison was shocked (or turned on) by Ed in his skivvies, until he wanted to drown him in the pool.

Chris Harrison magically appears to tell them the first competition is the following day, and as Stag put it, everyone freaked out—ohmigod, who’s my partner?

Reid: Would you be my partner?

Paige: Yes, I’d love to be your partner.

Reid: Ok {walks away}.

He said it was easy to remember—read the page… Reid/Paige.  Meanwhile, Blakeley tagged Chris as her partner, or threatened to donkey punch him in the throat if he said no. I think Chris has met his match. Hatchet Face ended up with Michael Phelps Ed. “It’s not a hot tub… it’s a cold tub!” That’s quite an observation!

At the first challenge, the couples have to balance in tilting hearts.  No surprise Ericka Rose fell first; once a fatty, always a fatty. In the end, David and the twins won the first challenge, putting a huge target on their backs; although I think walking in the door actually sealed their fate. The three of them get a romantic date, during which I’m sure David fantasized about threesome. Not sure how that Eiffel Tower would work. David compares their carnival date to all previous Bachelor/Bachelorette dates, including skinny-dipping like Ben and Courtney. If I had to guess, I’d say it was the virgin who swam in her bikini.

Back at the house, Blakeley pees on Chris, thereby marking her territory, but the fire hydrant wanders off in search of a lap dance. Just because they paired up, doesn’t mean the guys aren’t going to see if the grass is greener. Hatchet Face informs “I-don’t-want-him-distracted-by-boobs” Blakeley that Jamie is using her sex to reel in Chris.

In turn, Miss Ironic goes on a witch hunt and catches Chris and Jamie canoodling. Without further ado, she has a meltdown, screaming, “But I told you I liked you,” which Chris somehow couldn’t relate to. Blakeley continues her tantrum, saying the money isn’t worth it. What did you expect? Patty-cake and Pretty Pretty Princess?

The next day, everyone is strategizing who to send home, and David marks Ericka Rose and Nick as targets, since they already have a vote against them for their poor display in the challenge. As a result, Ericka bawls like a five year old then takes the high road by calling David an ugly loser who shouldn’t even be there.

Rose ceremony time! “I know that guy!” That would be the rainbow-pooping Chris Harrison himself, clinking his champagne flute and scoping out the hunnies for his own private hose ceremony in the cold tub.

Paige think she found Prince Charming. But the Stag tells Reid that the guys are pitching tents for double D-Donna and plan to vote off prim and prudish Paige, cutting her fairytale short. So Reid goes on a crusade to save his damsel. Everyone is scattering, panicking, fuming, and Kalon is telling everyone what they want to hear.

If only SWAT had taken his ego out of the equation and voted for Ericka Rose, then maybe he and Paige and SWAT would still be here next week. But who am I kidding? The fans don’t stand a chance!

By the way, I love how Chris Harrison scooted off in Kalon’s Porsche, giggling like a teenage boy on ‘shrooms. Sayonara, muthafucka!

Posted in Bachelor Mondays | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »