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Archive for January, 2013

I cannot be tortured like this… unless it’s in the red room of pain

Posted by emzkbd on January 29, 2013

At first I thought I was watching the wrong show—no shirtless Sean!—but then in prowls Chris Harrison wasting no time to deliver the first date card. Elsewhere, Sean is prancing around in his boxer briefs. Damn boi! That is one fine ass!

boxer briefs

Salma Hayek Salma Hayek gets the “Let’s turn up the heat” date with Sean, and already she starts panting about being ready to take it to the next level, and then the next level, and then have his babies! Selma 2 With the size of those cans, though, you’d swear she was already milking a whole litter! She goes to get ready, which constitutes yoga pants and a tight tank. Puh-lease! I roll outta bed in what took her to “get ready”.

In other parts of the mansion, the African American Elizabeth Berkley

Elizabeth Berkley Lesley H is bawling her eyes out over a man with whom she has spent zero quality time. She claims to have a heart and really wants a date… just like everyone else.

Sean arrives to pick up Selma for their “hot yoga” sesh. Selma tries to guess what their date entails. Perhaps some salsa? She warns Sean that her giant boobies might distract him and cause him to break all ten of his toes. That and she doesn’t think Sean can handle all one hundred and ten pounds of her. MOST.HATED.WOMAN.IN.AMERICA.

Their PDA fest goes from limo to private plane where she does Sean a solid and conceals his erection by splaying across his lap. PDA

Selma is eating up the luxurious transportation, and then “the Iraqi” lands in the desert. She is “petrified”, probably because she fears the heat… and boob sweat. She also claims to feel puffy, but I’m sure she was just referring to her pillowtop chest.

Sean suggests some rock climbing, but Selma would prefer an airlift to the top. Maybe she can unleash those balloons and ascend gracefully! She has a mild panic attack, but then—much to my surprise—she actually climbs really well. Sean: “Your ass looks cute in that helmet… errrr… in that harness… ughhh… you have a cute helmet.”

rock climbing

Selma: “He gave me this adrenaline, and he gave me this courage. I gotta show this man I want him in me.”

Sean: “I’m looking for fingerholes… trying to push myself up… keep my erection down.”

Just before they get to the top, the cameraman blows his load over a close up of Selma’s cleav. Titty shot

Those Tetons sure got some airtime last night. Sean also makes sure to “give her a lift” once they’ve conquered their fears.

Giving her a lift

Later, Sean kidnaps Selma to a desert campsite. While cuddling, Sean mentions he only had one serious relationship after college. Selma tells him he’ll find an amazing girl who’ll put out. Then Sean wants to know about her family, and she assures him there’s a lot he doesn’t know… or anything at all. Selma says her mother would have a heart attack if she kissed Sean on national TV.

Cuddling

Back at the mansion, the group date card arrives. “I’m looking for a woman who can roll with the punches.” Tierra is not happy because she “don’t need no chaperones.”

In the middle of nowhere, Sean wants to kiss Selma, to which she responds “we’re not even allowed to date basically… not that we’re not allowed to date. Obviously we’re allowed to date… but in our culture we sorta keep it secret from everyone.” So which is it—you date or you don’t date? I think it sounds like she’s ok with getting’ a lil sumthin’ sumthin’ behind her mama’s back.

Selma: “I want to feel his lips on my vagina mine… but we’ll have to wait… until I’m his only lady.” This sounds promising!

Sean: “Her eyes are just basically asking me to fuck kiss her.”

Obviously, Sean is intrigued because Selma won’t kiss him. Umm, did he ever think that the whole “my mama would disapprove” act is really just a cover for her herp outbreak? Even so, he gives her rose, and Selma “the tease” continues to entice him with “I really want to kiss you.”

On the group date, Amanda confesses she doesn’t know what “roll with the punches” means, but I’m sure some of the other girls could demonstrate a few rights hooks… to her face.

Nubs: “I don’t think having one arm will hold me back today.” So optimistic it hurts!

“Ladies, welcome to the wonder world of roller derby,” says the butchest bitch in the joint. AssLee hopes she doesn’t die at the hands of rug muncher because, lesbia-honest, her preacher pop wouldn’t be too proud.

Tierra: “I have aggression I’ve been building up living in the house… and if I can’t masturbate there then I’m excited I get to knock some biotches down.”

roller derby

Amanda spreads a sly lie that she’s done the roller derby thing before. Tumbles ensue, and it’s no surprise that Nubs is pretty much roadkill. Nubs: “My body works in different ways… I poop rainbows like Chris Harrison. Tears tears tears. Blah blah blah. I’m a broken person.” Always-the-good-girl AssLee comforts Nubs, which then leads to Sean comforting Nubs, which gets her back in the rink.

Elsewhere, Amanda is gloating about killin’ it in her skates. Next thing you know, she’s face down, ass up, taking it from behind… from Karma. It’s a bitch! “Now I’ll never be a fit model… even though I’m a fit model!” They think she fractured her jaw, but at least she didn’t pout it off like Tierra. Instead, she listens to the medic and goes to the hospital. Once she’s gone, Sean and the remaining woman have an 80’s free skate.

Nubs: “Well I think we all rolled with the punches pretty well… except Amanda who got what was coming to her.”

I’d like to pause here and say, has anyone else noticed the abundance of lyrical music in this episode, including “Foolish Heart” by Steve Perry? Are the producers trying to subliminally tell us something? Is this the theme song for this season?

Later, Sean wants everyone to relax and “not worry about breaking their jaw.” He pulls Nubs aside first because he “respects her so much”, which is code for “I could never do the dirty with her.” Meanwhile, the other women are trying to encourage Tierra to go pro with roller derby. “No!” she says. “I don’t want a sympathy rose.”

Amanda returns in her 70’s mom getup to “milk it”. Sean kisses her bump. Amanda: “All I get is a kiss on the chin. Maybe I should have said, ‘Actually, they took out my tonsils.’”

At the mansion, Lesley H. gets the “Could this be forever?” date card and diamond earrings, to which she exclaims, “Holy moly batman!”

Then aw hell nah breaks loose. Robyn asks AssLee and Nubs what happened to Amanda during roller derby, and Tierra feels like she’s been snubbed from the conversation. She says Robyn was trying to get a rise out of her, acting all “high school”. So Tierra stomps off, in the least high school way possible. Poor Nubs was like “what did I do?”

Tierra: “Where is Sean?” Uhhhh he’s looking for Lindsay’s tonsils. Sorry, Amanda! “Why should I be tortured every day and live life uneasy?” Easy honey, it’s not like you’re an Iraqi prisoner in your own home. Right, Selma? “I can’t take the fakeness from any of these girls anymore!” I still can’t decide if Selma’s tittays are real. “I cannot take it! I am breaking down inside and holding it all in and that is not fair.” Sounds like someone needs a laxative! “I cannot be tortured like this!” Tierra pops a squat, waiting for Sean to finish tongue tasering Lindsay.

Tortured Tierra

When they finally emerge—Lindsay in a bikini—Tierra snatches Sean to tell him she wants to leave… or go on an amazing date. Sean tries to reassure her. Look at Courtney Bob—she was the most hated and look how far she went!

Apparently tears turn Sean on because he scampers off for the rose, while Tierra enjoys her victory with a devious grin Happy Tierraand the other women assure themselves she’s going home, but Sean is “crazy about her”. Well, I guess he’s in store for a whole lotta crazy then. The others are in complete shock. “He’s been manipulated tonight… She’s good at what she does.” What can I say? Blow jobs can be persuasive!

The next day, Sean has a date with Miss Super Duper Duper Excited. Lesley H. got some diamond earrings and “holy moly” she likes ‘em. Sean takes his tranny hooker to Rodeo Drive to do some Pretty Woman shopping at Badgley Mischka. To be honest, those were the ugliest effing dresses I’ve ever seen. The brown one wasn’t bad, but she picked one that was ill-fitting with a giant bow and sparkly trim. “Winner winner, chicken dinner!” What is with this girl’s phrases?!

Lesley H 2

Lesley H.: “Sean definitely is a young, sexy, blonde, blue-eyed Richard Gere, and I am a tan Julia Roberts.” No, you’re black, unless you’ve got a Michael Jackson complex. Then I’ll let you have “tan”.

They proceed to accessorize at Neil Lane with a 120-carat diamond necklace. Lesley's necklace

I guess a bodyguard will be chaperoning their date at the Bradbury—whatever that is. “Opa!” Is she Greek now?

Sean tries to get to know Lesley H. who shares her life story, which includes dating a lot of men who get married right after dating her. Sean agrees and shares this: “Sometimes someone looks so good on paper and you get along great and they’ve got all the qualities you’re looking for but it’s just not there.” Hmm, you’re preaching to the choir, Sean! Maybe it’s time I start blogging (or vlogging) about my personal life again.

Then Lesley tells Sean she comes from a broken family and only wants to get married once, at which point Sean’s eyes start to glaze over. He can’t put his finger on it; maybe it’s her giant mouth or her “holy moly” comments, but it’s just not there. So just to be a douche, he picks up the rose and taunts her with it. Lesley exits with grace but not before planting a bug in Sean’s ear that some of the women who have roses are not there for the right reasons. Hmm, can’t imagine whom she’s referring to?!

Sean sulks back inside where Ben Taylor was going to sing for them. Lesley claims she could see herself with Sean at the end. Sean is reassuring himself with his decision but claims to have doubts. Even though we know it was premeditated, he casually drops the rose off the balcony, and it lands in a slow and dramatic explosion on the ground. His heart will go on, ladies!

Rose ceremony time! Sean is going to get harder and harder and harder as these go on. First, he sits down with AssLee. Snooze! Such a sweet, kind, blah, blah, blah person! Next, Robyn tries to pick up Sean with her “Which chocolate do you want to taste?” Uhhh the white one? Awww, snap!

Meanwhile, Tierra—holy boobies!—wants to clear the air with Robyn and Jackie. “I just wanted to apologize for the other night and how it went down. You know, you kind of attacked me… I just wanted to apologize!” That’s the most passive-aggressive apology I’ve ever heard. “I am too strong of a woman and too independent to let high school pity stuff get in my way… I came here to win this!”

The women are confused by Tierrable’s behavior. I like that! Let’s see what else I can come up with! Tierrafying tells Sean she is NOT a “drama starter”. Tierraist: “Sometimes girls have a hard time accepting me for who I am.” Intruder alert, intruder alert!

None of the ladies want to throw Tierracotta under the bus unless it interferes with their individual relationship. Ok, that one doesn’t really work—unless you hate the color. Catherine really wants to kiss Sean, but he’s afraid that he’s been put in the friend zone. So she takes him out front and puts him in the bone zone.

Time to send one packin’! I’m sure many of you thought Ke$ha and her slurred speech would be the lone limo leaver, but Amanda—trying to match her burgundy lipstick to Sean’s tie in her flapper dress with a rat’s nest updo—was damaged goods. The always tactful Chris Harrison: “If you did not receive a rose, take a moment to say your goodbyes.” Uh Chris, were you drunk because there’s only one person going home? Did you forget her name like Jessie did so many seasons ago? Stay tuned next week because we’re getting double the romance and double the drama. As long as the Bachelor Pad twins don’t double back, I’ll double my dosage of Sean’s half naked body any week.

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What are you? Some kind of “crazy person”?

Posted by emzkbd on January 22, 2013

Sean’s journey this week begins again in the rec room. Heaven forbid The Bachelor gain an ounce of fat this season! Previously, I would have swooned over this half naked glistening chunk of man meat, but this week I find myself saying “Eh” and “That’ll do pig.” Sure, Sean’s chabs {chest + abs} are incredibly defined but I still think he could use a few more pull-ups and crunches.

He wants us to know he’s totally “digging” some chicks, man! With that, Chris Harrison is on the prowl… to drop off a date card.

Robyn: “Let’s ditch these bitches and go fall in love for real.” Someone ain’t afraid to cut a bitch!

Lesley M. gets the first date and Sean wants to know “How long will this love last?” Hopefully longer than the past few seasons’. In the limo, Sean asks her what she thinks that means because he has no clue. Lesley is optimistic and somehow equates a loving, lasting relationship with an exotic getaway for the two of them.

What she really gets? Well, Sean was jonesin’ from the peck he got on their last date, and to show her that, he amps up the romance and decides to parade around the Guinness Book of World Records museum, showing off the world’s smallest woman and his dad’s world record of driving all contiguous states.

She had to see it coming because no Bachelor date could be that boring. As it turns out, Sean wants to break his own world record. No, not the world’s longest-running erection, but the world’s longest on-screen kiss, surpassing the previous record set at 3 minutes and 15 seconds. Lesley says it’s the coolest thing she can imagine, but I’m sure she’s thinking Sean’s erection would be much cooler.

Lesley kissing Sean

As they get to it, she’s laughing and probably shooting snot on his face, and he’s using it as an excuse to grope her until he pulls her dress up over her fanny. Sean says he can feel her body start to tremble and I’m thinking—“I would probably orgasm, too!”

Once they break the record, they continue kissing—probably because he is afraid to pull away and reveal his erection to all those bystanders. What a wonderful story they can tell their children if they end up together! What a mortifying thing to live with if you’re Sean and his new fiancée, assuming it’s not Lesley! You think he would still hang that plaque in their apartment then? Hey honey, aren’t you proud I broke a world record with another woman?

Record

Later, on top of the Roosevelt Hotel—where I’m pretty sure other Bachelor/ette contestants have hung out—Sean and Lesley share more awkward moments. Lesley is a self-proclaimed nerd, who studied a lot, and wants a marriage like her parents but is afraid that might not happen. Sean tells her she shouldn’t worry that it won’t cum come because he now knows how to use his tongue effectively. She starts to flush, she’s short of breathe, and then she gets nervous. Sean wants her to take charge of her sexuality so she pounces, so Sean gives her the elephant in the room. He’s been blown away, but I guarantee I blow better.

Back at the mansion, AssLee reads the group date card and all the women chosen pretend to be excited. “Who’s going to touch my penis win my heart?” The next day on the group date, all the eleven women care about is a half-naked Bachelor. Then, the unthinkable happens…

Kacie B.: “The moment I see Chris Harrison, I know that things are not going to be fun for somebody.” Sounds like we have a creeper on the loose!

Chris tells the women they will be competing in a volleyball game to extend their date with Sean. The losing team will leave immediately. No surprise but Ke$ha admits she’s still hungover and therefore won’t be an asset to her team.

The ladies tat up with an “S” for Sean, or slut. All a matter of opinion, I guess! From someone who played volleyball back in the day, this was the worst game I’ve ever witnessed. Asthmatic ten-year-olds could play better volleyball—I know because I’m referring to my sister sixteen years ago.

Volleyball

Taryn wants us to know she is in it to win it. “This volleyball game is the most important game of my life. It’s probably one of the only few I’ll ever play that has something big riding on it—ahem, hopefully Sean’s peen. You’re talking about your heart here; you’re talking about more time with a guy that you barely know and could potentially be yours for three months, give or take, after filming. So this is that big of a deal!”

The game comes down to Des’s serve. There’s a bump and then what should have been a set is really just Kristy fist-pumping to keep the ball in play. Guess she’ll share the same fate! Sean congratulates the winners while Kristy pouts like someone just stole her cookie. Lesley H. tries to conceal her tears on the drive back to the mansion, where everyone blames their exhaustion and crabby moods on the date.

Ke$ha is super bummed out because she wants to show Sean her romantic, serious side when all he’s seen is her wastey-faced side. Kristy continues her half-time show at the Superbawl with all her little cheerleaders shouting words of encouragement—“Go home, go home, go home!”

Sean brings the winners back to his mansion for an orgy. First, he has some alone time with Valley Girl Lindsay, who’s voice is more annoying than any blonde bimbo you could drudge up. They make out for awhile, and then Sean hooks it up with a glam Joey Potter.

Glam Joey Potter Desiree & Sean

The final date card arrives, and Tierra—who chose to wear white see-through sweatpants for the camera—scampers off to retrieve it. She announces it for AssLee and Selma, both of whom shit their pants. JUST KIDDING! It’s just for AssLee. “Do you believe in magic?” Sarah takes personal offense to it on Selma’s behalf.

Back on the group date, tension stirs between Des and Amanda, who sneaks off with Sean to tell him he can stop looking for a wife because she’s all he’ll ever want—if he’s into the whole Alanis Morissette thing.

Amanda Alanis Morissette

Sean says he can tell she has a “genuine heart”. To which she responds: “If we were to get married, I feel I will bring such a light, airy, fun atmosphere… relationships should be fun.”

Des flips her shit because Amanda is questionable and creepy—always staring at Sean like she wants to wear his skinsuit. When Amanda returns—gloating—Des tries to play nice, telling Amanda she killed it at the volleyball game. Amanda says “it has nothing to do with volleyball and everything to do with my split-personality disorder. Muahahahahaha!”

But it’s Kacie B. who pulls an Emily O’Brien and tells Sean she feels like she just took a Courtney Robertson punch to the face. Kacie lays it on the table—there is tension between Des and Amanda. Since she’s friends with Des, she wants Amanda sent packin’. Sean wants to know why she’s getting mixed up in all this. Kacie has no words. Sean says they both seem fine and neither one has said anything to him about it. Kacie: “And I don’t want to be the person who does, but at the same time I’m stuck in the middle so I have to tell you what’s going on… and I’m not a ‘drama person’… it hurts me because I don’t want to hurt either of them… and when that’s going on I’m having a hard time being myself because I’m worried about that.”

Sean looks incredibly confused and calls her a “crazy person”. Finally! At least he’s starting to recognize it floating out there in a sea of skirts and see-through tops. Kacie tries not to cry, and then, not to fall in her sky-high stilettos. No rose for Kacie B. on this date! Instead, Sean rewards Lindsay for her makeout sesh. Kacie tries not to cry in front of everyone, so she does it behind their back to the camera, sniffling that she’s “not supposed to cry this early.”

Kacie B

The next day, AssLee thinks nothing can go wrong on her one-on-one date with Sean… but everything CAN go wrong before. Mere seconds before Sean walks in… ker-plunk! Tierra fall down… or so it seems. I think she was riding a blanket down the stairs for fun and realized no one was paying attention to her, so she ditched the blanket and just laid there like she was coming out of a coma.

Tierra on a stretcher

The paramedics arrive to take Tierra to the hospital, but she pleas like the whiny brat she is to be left alone. She “pops up” because Sean’s there. AssLee says Tierra is the boy who cried wolf, or in this case the slut who cried “Sean!” AssLee claims to be a smart woman, like the medical team who would have diagnosed Tierra’s condition as “bat shit crazy”.

Tierra lounges on the veranda, while Sean plays Aladdin and rubs her lamp ass.

Sean & Tierra

AssLee: “She thinks it’s cute to play the victim, but how about I really make her a victim and stab her with the thorns of the rose I’m going to win on my amazing date.”

Sean wants to see if AssLee has some “kid” in her—or if he could put one there—so he takes her to the most romantic place on Earth. Six Flags—a place where horny teenagers make-out while they wait in line for a 30 second ride! Great outfit by the way. I know my go-to getup for an amusement park is always a short, fancy dress and heels.

AshLee's dress

Sean tells AssLee that it feels “a bit selfish” to keep it all to themselves. At that moment, I half expect a group of underprivileged urban youth to swarm them, but then Sean says they will be sharing their day with two young fans of The Bachelor, who are best friends but have never met. Girl #1 must have been a smoker who somehow kept her ass-long hair from catching on fire, while Girl #2 must be a fighter. Were those boxing gloves she was wearing? Oh no… Sean says they have some mitochondrial disease, which—when he says it—sounds way too depressing to Google.

AshLee Dr. Quinn

Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman says this is the perfect date. Cut to the four of them on a ride with Sean screaming “Get me off! Get me off!” Not sure which one of the ladies he was begging. Then Sean’s favorite band—The Eli Young Band—performs while he and AssLee sway and Girls 1 & 2 upstage them with the two-step or whatever that was.

When they’re finally done babysitting, AssLee opens up to Sean. Orphan Annie tells Sean that she was adopted when she was six but prior to that she was abused by a foster family. They locked her and the other foster kids in the basement where they slept on cots without any lights. There wasn’t a bathroom—only buckets lined up against the wall—and if you weren’t careful, the big kids would hold you down and…

But AssLee is not bitter. No sirree! She reminisces about the day she was adopted and how much she’s been loved by her parents. Sean gets misty and sobs: “That’s such a sweet story! Wahhhhhhhhh!” Hey Sean, I can see your vagina from here.

The whole time Emily Maynard AssLee was telling her sob story, the band was also listening behind them. Once everyone wiped their tears away, they played another song.

On rose ceremony night, things get feisty, but first Sean wants to send Nubby home. JUST KIDDING! He bought her a dog. Oh wait, it’s her dog? And he likes chew toys? Now we know why she doesn’t have a prosthetic.

Later, Sean sits down with Tierra who has magically healed from her physical and emotional roller coaster ride down the stairs. Katie Holmes steals Sean to suck his face, but rather than “punch some walls”, Tierra steals him back. “My turn!”

From one thief to the next, Lesley M. swoops in and the domino effect continues. Meanwhile, Des told Sean that she would stay right where he left her… and she stayed there all night.

When Kacie B. finally gets her turn, she wants him to know that it’s a two way street. Sean continues the metaphor by saying they’ve turned a corner, but before Kacie gets to find out if she’ll make it to destination Roseville, Selma and AssLee plop a squat for some chatter.

Before he sends the ladies packing, he pulls Kacie outside, rose in hand, to stand next to someone peeing in the bushes the sound of running water where he tells her she’s back in the friend zone. Wait for it… wait for it… “WHAT THE FUCK!” No, she didn’t say it this time; I guess she learned her lesson last time on how to exit a reality show gracefully.

Kacie: “Last time I left with no regrets because I tracked down Ben to beg him for a second chance. And this time there are regrets, so rather than live with them, I guess I’ll have to fly to Thailand on the day Sean proposes and tell him {SPOILER} he should have sent Amanda home sooner.”

In the end, Sean didn’t want a drama queen (Kristy) or a lean, mean volleyball machine (Taryn), but he likes all the other thieves and injury-prone women who are left. More on that next week!

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Man meat… it’s what’s for dinner!

Posted by emzkbd on January 15, 2013

Last night began like all of my sexual fantasies… with a buff, blonde, half-naked man glistening in a shower.

Sean in the shower

Sha-wing! That was my lady boner. I didn’t even hear what he was saying, but I nominate Sean Lowe as Best Undressed of the week.

Without allowing us to cool off, Chris Harrison arrived at the mansion to poop rainbows: “At the end, I truly believe he will get down on one knee and propose marriage to one of you… but not you Tierra because you cray cray.” He also brought the first date card—for Nubs, Nubby, the Nubster. I may be politically incorrect, but you like it. AssssssLee is super jelly because she couldn’t organize the first date.

Nubs: “Just because I have one arm doesn’t mean we’re gonna be able to stop having fun.” So does having two arms make it twice as fun?

Sean arrives in his chopper and the women cream their panties. I will also note here that Sean is a man wise beyond his years; it shows through in his philosophical remarks.

Sean: “Last night I was with 26 women, and that’s hard. It’s not as easy as it sounds.” I agree—his peen must have been exhausted.

With Nubs oozing a lack of confidence, you’d swear her arm was chopped off yesterday. “My ability to love someone is not affected by how many hands I have—but my left hand does tire when I give handies.”

I briefly dozed off and awoke to them landing on top of a “skyscraper” twenty stories high. Sean told producers he wanted to reenact the opening scene from Cliffhanger but thought that he might rip off her other arm, and then she’d really be disabled. One question: How does she get her hair in a ponytail? Did someone have to do it for her or does she have a special contraption to do it for her?

Fortunately for Nubs, she still has one hand to hold Sean’s before their descent. The drop was so boring, ABC had to speed it up or they might have lost their audience on the downward spiral. I’m sure the “bond” they shared will last a whole other episode or two before he realizes he’ll have to do her hair for the rest of his life.

Sean: “I do consider myself a man.” Wait—do other people consider you something else? Like just a piece of meat?

Sarah: “It’s not about what our bodies look like.” Au contraire, it is ALL about what HIS body looks like. If it weren’t, I would be watching Lena Dunham have sex repeatedly.

Sean gives Nubs the rose, they hug, and she can’t get her arm and a half completely around him. He IS an amazing guy, and he deserves a full hug and a flinch-free relationship. After two weeks, the Nubooboo is falling in love with the Bachelor—I think the guy and not the show, but I could be wrong.

The next day on the group date, a carload of women and a pubic mound Katietravel to another mansion where a camera crew is prepared for a photo shoot. The women will be paired with Sean to pose for the cover of Harlequin romance novels. As the women beautify themselves, Sean’s disrobes. One moment— I need to mop up.

Apparently I’m not the only one who’s excited because Kristy can’t keep her hands off Sean’s abs. Who am I kidding? I would grate cheese for a living on that stomach.

Then the claws come out, and so do Tierra’s tittays. I’m not sure, but it looked like the women were calling her a tacky ho two feet away from where she was sitting, unless that was just bad editing.

Sean to Tierra: “You may have a dark side; you may have a catty side.”

Tierra: “Oh no I don’t.” Head tilt, hair swish, giggle, repeat.

The women dress up as one of four categories: cowgirls, vampires, “sexy”, and historical.

Lesley M. gets her honkey-tonk on and pecks Sean on the lips. Personally, I would prefer bareback, reverse cowgirl. Then Amanda wants to sink her teeth into Sean’s throat. If it were me, my mouth would be elsewhere.

Also lurking on the grounds, Tierra strategizes to kick all these bitches out. I think that was a threat, but in reality TV, safety is inconsequential.

Tierra: “This isn’t a competition. I’m not gonna let any girl stop me from getting the rose or Sean’s semen.”

Milla Jovovich Kristy knows she has this one in the bag because she’s a model so she brings the slut sex appeal. Sean was groped by Kristy more times than I ever was in high school, and sure enough, she wins the three-book cover deal.

Milla Jovovich Kristy

Sean: “I am so ready to get out of these clothes.” Sean’s posse has a late night pool party, minus the party in the pool. What? No skinny-dipping this season?

At the house, Lesley M. wants more smooches from Sean. They sneak off to a room where they interview people in the witness protection program. Awkward does not begin to describe their conversation. She basically admits to watching him sleep while crossing and uncrossing her arms and legs in angst-y teenage horniness.

Lesley: “This is The Bachelor and things are a little more fast-paced than normal.” Please, prettyplease tell me someone gets knocked up this season!  Sean makes the rounds, but Lesley steals him back for a quick makeout sesh while Ke$ha is filming her In-The-Moment (ITM). She gags—typical Ke$ha!

Later Sean sits down with Kacie B. who reiterates her virginity and sudden need to marry him and explore him sexually. She wants reassurance that Sean wants to get to know her, too.  Kacie B.: “I thought I never wanted another rose in my life, and now I’m hoping for ten more.” Queue cackling!

When we return from commercial, Catherine is telling Sean that she’s vegan but loves the beef. Might as well have said, “I like sausage… in my mouth!” Sean eats it up… because he loves furburgers. No, not you, pubey head!

Sean tells Selma that she might be his wife. She coos and proceeds to ask Desiree if she would design her wedding dress. Meanwhile, Tiara and Vagina Fro are moping around the house. Ke$ha can’t stand Debbie-downers, so she pops another pill. Sean pulls Tiara aside and asks her how to pronounce her name. He’s also sensing her switch is about to flip.

Tierra: “I came here because what I saw on Emily’s season from you blew me away. Now let me blow you away!” Shlurp, shlurp, shlurp!

Sean: “Trust me when I say I really like you and I want to spend more time with you.”

Tierra: “Me, too. That’s why you came all over my face, right?”

Back at the mansion, another thing comes—a date card. Jackie wants the one-on-one date because tomorrow is her birthday. I don’t think he remembers your name, and you think he’ll remember it’s your birthday and give you special treatment?

Rounding out the group date, the Bushmaster feels uncomfortable, so she stealthily steals Sean’s coat before making her exit. Sean doesn’t fight her because he realizes that if the drapes are that truly that unruly then the carpet is probably wayyy too shaggy for his taste.

Kacie B. is thrilled; even moreso when Sean gives her the rose. It’s reminiscent of this jam. Game on!

For the final date, Sean and Chris conspire to pull a practical joke on Desiree at a fake art exhibit. If you remember, Sean is quite the joker {eye-roll}. Chris says they’ve hidden cameras in one room but the camera we see is not-at-all hidden.

Desiree arrives at the exhibit, totally disappointed that she doesn’t get a helicopter ride, diamonds, or a Harlequin romance cover deal, but she still pretends to be “so excited”.

Sven, the fake artist, introduces his faux piece worth $5.00 $1.5 million. Desiree and Sean are escorted to a backroom, where Sean is pulled away for an “interview”, or as I would presume, an impromptu blow job. Desiree is left alone with the sculpture, while Sean and Chris watch from monitors in another room.

Then the piece shatters to the floor. Based on her reaction, Desiree must have known something was up; she didn’t seem very worried about being held responsible. Guess she just thought ABC would pay for that. After agonizing moments behind closed doors, Sean can’t take it any longer so he admits to playing her for a fool. He promises to support her, even though he barely knows her. What if it’s not his child?

Desiree and Sean go back to his place where they have overcooked steak. Catherine would be so jealous. Blah, blah, blah! More talk of support—buy a good bra and let Sean take off his shirt already! Unce, unce, unce! Pelvic thrust, pelvic thrust! Unce, unce, unce!

They sit poolside, and Dez (aww, how cute!) looks a little bloated—probably the ginormous broccoli stalks they just ate. Sean can’t get away soon enough. Oh no! He just went to get the rose. He offers it, but she hesitates because he was rude. Honey, he can be rude to me forever and ever if I get to ride that pony every night.

At the second rose ceremony, the women are stressin’ because Dez is clearly the frontrunner! Well, at least we know that. When Sean arrives, Catherine hands him a beer, or maybe it was apple cider. He says he already knows which two ladies he’s sending home—because one’s black and the other’s a mom.

Sean first sits down with Lindsay, who talks in a six-year-old’s voice. Her dad is a General in the Army, so if Sean screws up, he gets blowed up. They talk about marrying their best friends, Sean losing his hair, and Lindsay getting fat AND losing her hair. Then Sean tells Catherine she has a beefy personality, AssLee is enamored with Sean’s looks, and Jaws wants to gobble him up.

While the other ladies wait for their time with Sean, Amanda is being anti-social and offering the cold (cupcake) shoulder. Maybe she really is a vampire and she’s just sleeping.

As the ceremony nears, the women try to determine who will stay and who will go. Robyn—who Reality Steve accurately assesses as a cross between Condoleeza Rice and Michelle Obama—puts this thought in our heads. She picks Brooke, Lesley and Catherine as Sean’s top three. I think the joke starts: a black woman, white woman and an Asian woman step out of a limo…

Robyn sits down with Sean and plays the race card. Sean evidently practiced this speech so he didn’t come off as a KKK supporter. He says physical appearance doesn’t matter, which we already knew since he’d marry an obese, balding Lindsay. He also gives us this gem: “I’ve dated everybody, and when I say everyone I mean Nazis, witches, Ellen Degeneres, zombies, the blinds, schizophrenics, trannies, and Chippendale dancers.” Robyn is relieved that she could follow in another black woman’s footsteps… as Sean’s ex.

Then, Sean tells Selma that he speaks Farsi, but he’s really trying to tell her he’s a liar. She doesn’t care, and the booze starts talking, telling Sean he’s very beautiful.  Meanwhile, the rest of the women pigeonhole the yellow cupcake lady as two-faced, but Sean thinks she’s a sweet treat.

Ding-a-ling! That’s Chris Harrison getting an erection clinking his glass, ready to scam on Sean’s leftovers. Brooke gracefully departs in her stripper heels, and Sean tells Diana he doesn’t want to keep her from her spawn. Fortunately for us, next week should be a lot less dull and a whole lot more violent—with tongues and tumbles.

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Whose Globes looked the best?

Posted by emzkbd on January 13, 2013

It’s my 2nd Annual Golden Globes Red Carpet review. This time last year, I had the most views, but what can I say, the fashion speaks for itself. I’m just bringing it to you in the most honest way possible! One thing that hasn’t changed—the predominance of nude and blush colored dressed; one thing that has—the lack of color (where’s the purple?). So without further ado…

BEST DRESSED LIST

Jennifer LawrenceBest Dressed: Jennifer Lawrence. That girl is Catching Fire! I was glad to see her win the Globe for Silver Linings Playbook! Now let’s hope she brings it—talent, fashion, and perky boobs—to the Oscars next month!

Jennifer GarnerRunner-up: Jennifer Garner. Where has she been all my life? And to think she has three kiddos! Mrs. Affleck looks like she needs a nomination. Too bad she’s hasn’t made anything worth seeing—EVER! Except maybe 13 Going on 30! I love her dress—it’s probably because she’s got those great boobs to fill it out.

Jessica AlbaMost Glamorous: Jessica Alba. My first repeat winner! Everything about this dress complements Jessica, including her makeup (bold lip), jewels and fuzzy clutch.

Isla FisherRunner-up: Isla Fisher. I’m sure we’ve seen this dress before, but she Definitely, Maybe rocked it the best, especially as a side-swept ginger.

Heidi KlumMost Unconventional: Heidi Klum. Although it does seem a tad tight across her tummy, I love the one shoulder, the neckline, and the high slit—my fave for this season’s red carpet (thank you, Angelina Jolie). Angelina Jolie

Olivia MunnRunner-up: Olivia Munn. I wasn’t sure about her whatever’s happening at her waste. Is that a belt? But something about this look just draws me in. Maybe it’s the scale-like top.

Megan FoxBest Color: Megan Fox. Is it gold? Is it beige? Is it lace? Who cares! Without a doubt one of my favorite dresses on the red carpet! And to think, she just had a baby. Transformer, she is. (That’s a Yoda reference… she’s a big Star Wars fan… anyone?)

Hayden PanettiereBest Blush/Nude: Hayden Panettiere.  I agree with Kelly Osbourne—this is definitely one of Hayden’s best looks ever! It’s soft, it’s sweet, it’s definitely put her on the map—Nashville to be exact!

Best Long Sleeves: None. I know! I tried, couldn’t find one.

AdeleBest Plus Size: Adele. Post-pregnancy looks good on her. While I would have liked to see this dress in a pop of color, I think it is totally her style: elegant with an edge—or in this case a neckline.

Kathryn BigelowBest Over 50: Kathryn Bigelow. For working in the Middle East, she sure cleans up well.

Glenn CloseRunner-up: Glenn Close. Navy was popular for the older crowd (see Sally Field, Helen Mirren, and Jodie Foster), but Glenn pulled it off the best. The fit was right, the accessories complemented well, and the train wasn’t too long.

Ali FedotowskyBest Dressed (Who are you again?): Ali Fedotowsky. I think this Bachelorette was trying that new hair trend—I have long hair, but I’ll disguise it as a bob and no one will know. Unfortunately, she didn’t pull that off, but her dress earns her the credit to walk the red carpet again—so long as it’s not for a reality TV show.

George Clooney & Stacy KeiblerBest Dressed (Ok, we know you now!) Stacy Keibler: Yes, you’re George Clooney’s girlfriend now, but where will you be next year? Hopefully, making more red carpet appearances.

Eva LongoriaDress I desperately want to fall in love with: Eva Longoria. I’m just not sure how I feel about the lacy sleeves and the deep V accompanying the high slit (which is what turned me on in the first place).

Lea MicheleBest white: Lea Michele. Another high slit (YAY!) and probably one of the only times I’ll praise white on the red carpet. Definitely a Gleeful choice!

Nancy O'DellBest Dressed Host: Nancy O’Dell. Probably the real winner for Best Color! Why didn’t we see more jewel tones on the carpet this year? Such a disappointment!

Maria MenounosRunner-up: Maria Menounos. What’s not to like about this dress? No, Maria, don’t speak.

Claire DanesBest Hair: Claire Danes. Another new mom working a hot bod and sexy locks! Not to mention, one of the night’s best dressed! Love that color—red was definitely luck y for those lady bugs.

Kate HudsonBest Makeup: Kate Hudson. Also one who was having a great hair day, but I wanted to give props to her flawless complexion (and cleavage). The Killer Inside Me would kill for those looks!

Bradley CooperBest Dressed Man: Bradley Cooper. In my Playbook, he’s hot stud numero uno, and now he’s single. So long as he’s not crazy like his character!

Robert PattinsonRunner-up: Robert Pattinson. No idea what he was doing there, but when Dawn is Breaking, I will be climaxing from my hot and steamy dream with him.

Jon Hamm & Jennifer WestfeldtBest Dressed Couple: Jon Hamm & Jennifer Westfeldt. Aren’t they the cutest? He’s just so dapper (Go Mizzou alum!), and that dress would have been my winner for Most Unconventional but they’re just so freakin’ adorbs.

WORST DRESSED LIST

Kerry WashingtonWorst Dressed: Kerry Washington. I think the only thing I like about this look is her shoes, but honestly the whole short dress under a sheer long one just isn’t working (see also Rachel Weisz). The color is wrong, and so is her blowout. Chain this one back up!

Alyssa MilanoRunner-up: Alyssa Milano. Is she pregnant again? If she is, she looks horrible. If she’s not, then she really looks horrible.

Amanda SeyfriedWorst Blush/Nude: Amanda Seyfried. The lace doily thing almost never works, and this is case in point. I guess she’s so used to being one of the Les Misérables.

Amy AdamsRunner-up: Amy Adams. I really wanted to like this one, but the unruly tulle looks like it’s about to swallow this dress whole. She confidently brings the glam, but the Trouble with those Curves is definitely that tulle.

Emily MortimerWorst Long Sleeves: Emily Mortimer. Look everyone! It’s a knight’s formal eveningwear.

Jennifer LopezRunner-up: Jennifer Lopez. To be honest, I was completely up in the air with this one. I tried to see the glam in it, but her curves and the lace did not want to cooperate. The two combined were just too distracting to be likeable.

Lena DunhamWorst Plus Size: Lena Dunham. Ok, so maybe she’s not reallllly plus size, but the dress makes her appear that way. That said, I am happy to see her and her show take home trophies tonight!

Helen MirrenWorst Over 50: Helen Mirren. From last year’s best to this year’s worst, she and Glenn decided to switch places.

Allison WilliamsWorst Dressed (Who are you again?): Allison Williams. Girls, take note! Do not pick a dress from a designer who looks like they can’t sew. Am I right? This seams here are quite obvious.

Sienna MillerWorst Dressed (You should know better): Sienna Miller. There are no words.

Halle BerryWorst Dressed (I let my child pick out my dress): Halle Berry. Ok, I’ll admit, I don’t REALLY know if her daughter picked out this choice. I mean, we know her personal life is a jungle, but her wardrobe does not need to reflect that. I do love the shoes, though, and the high slit, of course.

Lucy LuiRunner-up: Lucy Liu. Does she have children? If so, they should learn that flowers are only pretty in pictures, not on fabric.

Kristen Bell Michelle DockeryWorst Dressed (Chastity chests): Kristen Bell and Michelle Dockery. This just looks painful! I can’t imagine the pain preggo Kristen’s breastesses are experiencing.

Julianne HoughBjork moment: Julianne Hough. (Secretly, I kinda like it, but then there’s that tulle again!)

Kristen WiigVagina hands meet vagina dress: Kristen Wiig. I don’t get it!

Zooey DeschanelDress that everyone will probably love but I hate: Zooey Deschanel. She isn’t a New Girl to the red carpet, but I keep waiting for her to have a breakout moment in fashion. Still, I’m left unfulfilled.

Taylor Swift Jessica ChastainRunners-up: Taylor Swift and Jessica Chastain. I wish I could blame Taylor’s recent breakup on her poor fashion sense, but she looked amaze-balls at the People’s Choice Awards, but this was a fashion flop. While I like Jessica’s color, it’s not one for the gingers. Plus, the dress makes her look fuller-figured and like she has saggy tits.

Anne HathawayWorst White: Anne Hathaway.  When “I Dreamed a Dream” of the best dressed, Anne’s dress was definitely not one of them. I hate white, I hate Anne Hathaway, and I hate her haircut, pastiness, and anorexia nervosa. Catwoman needs some catnip.

Giuliana RancicWorst Dressed Host: Giuliana Rancic—a two-time loser! How has she earned the right to critique on E!’s Fashion Police? Nothing about this look complements her figure or is pleasing to the eye. Not to mention, she is oompa-loompa orange. Hey Giuliana, I think Anne needs some of your color!

Kelly OsbourneRunner-up: Kelly Osbourne. I think their show needs an overhaul. Can I suggest moi?

Kaley CuocoWorst Hair AND Scariest Makeup: Caley Cuoco. The sad thing is I actually like the dress, but she put in any effort with the rest of her appearance. I guess I could cut her some slack since she was hosting the People’s Choice Awards last week, but she better not show up to any more awards shows looking like she was just gang-Banged.

John HawkesWorst Dressed Man: John Hawkes. Well first off, he has bad posture. Second off, he looks like a pedophile. And thirdly, I’m a fan of black-on-black, and this kills it for me.

Helena Bonham Carter & Tim BurtonWorst Dressed Couple: Helena Bonham Carter & Tim Burton. Too easy, I know! While the outfits aren’t bad, their presentation is as bad as one of his movies!

Remember to check back after other awards shows this season, including the fashion finale—the Oscars! And tell me: who did you think was the best (and worst) dressed at this year’s Golden Globes?

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Don’t forget your rape whistle… and other fun tales

Posted by emzkbd on January 8, 2013

It’s that time of year again… we’ve packed on the holiday pudge, our significant other would rather pop a sleep-aid then snuggle with us, and odds are our New Year’s resolutions even feel sorry for us. And then, it happens… the new Bachelor slowly, strategically peels off his v-neck T-shirt (because that’s all he owns), and all is right in our worlds. The only things working harder than Sean Lowe’s abs are the batteries in my vibrator.

Sean

This season, I want to preface my posts by saying if you are easily offended—by anything—you should probably stick to a PG-rated recap or family-friendly dialogue because my posts will be honest, mean, and completely gratifying to fans of the show. I am utterly addicted to this franchise; and I may love its host, the lead and some of the contestants, but you would have to confirm that with me because no one is safe from my proverbial harassment.

I am also aware that “God has a plan” for the 29 year old Dallas Texan, and as much as I’d love to be a part of that plan, I will be resigned to my weekly commentary because if you’re cast on the show at my age you’re probably the old cougar. I’m 28.

The show begins by accommodating us with Sean’s backstory—he’s Emily Maynard’s ex from last season of The Bachelorette. Then “Seanie” plays in the sprinkler—my number four fantasy. He says he wants to be all that he can be, but this isn’t the army. The only troop he’ll encounter is the one that wants to marry him or use him for reality stardom. He also wants to be rich in love, but my guess is after the show he’ll be rich RICH with all the guest appearances he’ll be fulfilling. And if it doesn’t work out with one of the bachelorettes, he might even be rich with punani… unless he’s still into dudes, which takes us to our next chapter!

Before Sean gets to meet the women, he has to explore his sexual urges conversation skills with former Bachelorette contestant Arie Luyendyk, Jr. Sean needs to know how to “break up” with the girls, but he can’t use “it’s not you it’s me because it’s obviously them.” Then, Arie tries to explain the art of kissing—which is a lost art with Sean (see example). Sean kissing Emily

GOO! Clearly, Sean has never eaten pussy, and Arie eats it every day.

At this point, we’re ready for the girls before this turns into gay porn. The show teases a few of the bachelorette’s personal lives:

Desiree is always a bridal stylist never a bride.

Tierra wants us to believe she’s “family-oriented” and ready to settle down.

Robyn shows us her flexibility with a hand stand.

Diana is a caring mother of two who lives in Utah, so I’m sure she’s hiding a Mormon past and connections to Jef Holm—Emily’s ex-fiancee.

Sarah—wait a minute—I didn’t know the one-armed surfer chick was going to compete this season!

Bethany Hamilton

Quick! Get an autograph before her hand gets tired!

Ashley P. curls up with 50 Shades of Grey, masturbates, and then lets out an exhilarating laugh of pure evil. She wants Sean to spank her. We have that in common.

Lesley M. lives in Washington, D.C. She doesn’t like nerds or politicians, but she will campaign for Sean’s heart. Doesn’t that make her both?

Kristy—“the best from the Midwest”—boxes and hopes to find someone who can stretch her out as well as her trainer can.

AshLee F. has a twitchy problem, as well as OCD. Anyone else think it was strange that she was filmed sitting quietly by herself? Must be a preacher’s daughter thing!

Now it’s time for the women to arrive. Sean quietly prays before the women start to emerge from the limo—probably hoping no one shoves lace panties in his pocket or shows up drunk, in a wedding gown.

AshLee is first out of the limo and claims to be the bestest of the bunch. I just think she has no personality because it’s been consumed her anal retentiveness.

Jackie wants to mark Sean with her urine lipstick, but then Ashley Greene Selma—glad to be finished with the Twilight saga—is happy to wipe off her smudge.

Ashley Greene Selma

Leslie H. looks like she is about to swallow this “hunk” whole.

Jaws Lesley H

Where is Richard Dreyfuss when you need him?

Next up is our first celebrity performer—Ke$ha, who just came off a night of partying.

 

Kelly thought she was entered in an Oompa-loompa contest—super orange and sings when you want her to stop.

 

Meanwhil, Katie thought she was going to a black-tie yoga affair because she forgot her shoes.

Ashley P. pulls a tie out of her cleavage, and Sean’s face reveals he’s already been a victim of bondage.

Ashley's tie

Taryn wants to get “fresh” with Sean. I think she looks like an alien—the really sexy kind.

Taryn Natasha Henstridge

Catherine stepped off the Quileute reservation where Jacob Black lives.

Robyn fails to show she’s flexible and lands on her ass.

Lacey brought lacy panties lace to stuff in Sean’s pants. Déjà vu?

Lacey's panties

Paige—wait, why is she here again? She’s starting to look desperate.

Jamie Lynn Spears Tierra awkwardly tells Sean that she plans to tattoo his name all over her body. Somehow he finds this all very alluring! He asks Chris to break the rules and hand out roses on his own accord. This way, he doesn’t have to remember all their names later!

Jamie Lynn SpearsTierra

Amanda couldn’t do her hair, but she nailed her red lipstick… and that totally forced awkward moment.

Keriann claims to have driven all the way there to meet Sean. Guess she’ll have to drive all the way back, too!

Desiree is obviously the cutest and most put-together bachelorette, in my opinion. Her red dress was my absolute favorite. Somewhat Grecian and very sophisticated! Love the sexy back and the side-swept hair, which complemented it very well. Her cute penny toss to make a wish was adorbs.

Desiree's dress

Bethany Hamilton Sarah says she always pictured finding a two-armed man to marry on a reality TV show.

Brooke can’t pull off the burgundy wig with the hot pink lipstick.

Diana is ready to marry her fourth husband and have another dozen children, but she wins my award for best hairstyle.

Diana's fishtail

Lesley M. wants to run a football play, but really she wanted to admire the view. Well played!

Kristy wastes no time bringing out the claws—she makes it clear she wants nothing to do with those other bitches.

Nicki Minaj Ashley H. introduces herself in true Nicki fashion: “Hi Ken, I’m (black, mermaid) Barbie.”

Nicki Minaj Ashley H

Ashley Tisdale Lauren has tourette’s… I think… she can’t stop shaking her hair. Oh… nope… she’s just blonde.

Lauren Ashley Tisdale

Lindsay thought she’d already won, which is why she arrived in a wedding gown; and just so Sean wasn’t surprised on their wedding night, she admitted to having balls. The wastey-faced bride-to-be waltzed inside, commenting that she couldn’t wait until their “first dance” inside.

And then there was one more… fan favorite and F-bomber Kacie B. She’s totes crazy in love with Sean, and as one girl points out, her Bible-hugging parents were the dealbreaker with Ben. I’m pretty sure I didn’t hear a religious slur in there.

Desiree’s snide comment was not logically thought out. “She had her chance with Ben, so what makes her think something will work with Sean?” Uhhh, maybe it’s because he’s a totally different person who doesn’t wear a shirt as often and doesn’t look like a cartoon character.

Selma says if she could dream up a man it would be Sean. Yep, I dream him up every night, and the dream always ends well.

Then a bunch of them screamed, and it disrupted my horny pants. Sean took off his jacket (for Kacie B.), and I was back on track. If only he continued to strip…

Desiree gets a lot of talk time with Sean, and I can’t decide if it’s because ((SEMI-SPOILER)) she makes it far or because she’s the most well-spoken bachette. Either way, she gets a rose, and all of the women become self-conscious—they start “mean muggin’”.

mean muggin

Maybe they should have shampooed their hair! I’m looking at you, Ke$ha.

Next up—AshLee gets a rose, but I think she’s more excited about the plush pillows on the furniture.

Tierra thinks she’s da bomb cuz she got da first rose, but AshLee brings it with her comment “I mean, you’re stunning, BUT it’s definitely not the first impression rose; it was just the first rose.” Guess someone should stop acting like this someone who also sang “I got the rose” and is now single.

I got the rose

The Tournament of Roses parade ain’t got nothing on what went down next: Selma, Robyn, Katie, Catherine, and Jackie get roses, but Nicki Minaj ain’t got that super bass Sean’s looking for.

Later, Lindsay wishes she were more sober when she twirls with Sean. Despite her intoxication, Lindsay thinks she and Sean have the same morals. I guess that waits to be seen.

first dance

From one dance to another, Ashley P. starts grinding and air-thrusting. Kacie B.: “She just needs a lot of water. Water, people!” She proceeds to dance her way into some one-on-one time with Sean, who was already being grilled by Paige, and pulls the tie back out of her bosom.

Sean: “I also brought a rape whistle if I’m in trouble.”

Ashley tells Sean that she told her mom that he is the guy she is going to tie up marry, but I guess 50 Shades of Drunk isn’t his type.

Lesley H. gets a rose, and the mayhem continues. Then there are tears. Taryn wanted her one-on-one time, but Sean steals Brooke—who gets a rose—leaving Taryn to her insecurities. Queue “All By Myself”.  She wants a rose; “however, she doesn’t want to necessarily open up and share that to everybody.” Well, I’m sure they’ve already figured it out, genius. And isn’t it a little soon for the “I don’t fight over a guy” sobfest? She hasn’t even talked to him yet.

Sarah, on the other hand, is nervous and wallowing in self-pity because she only has one arm, which is an absurd reason to think that’s why you’re still single. I’m sure it has more to do with your insecurities and using your arm as a crutch. Wait, no, that wouldn’t work!

When Sarah finally gets her alone time with Sean, she opens up and calls out the elephant in the room—her missing arm! The whole time she’s talking about it, I can only imagine what’s going through Sean’s mind:

“Don’t.look.at.it.don’t.look.at.it.don’t.look.at.it.noooooooooo.don’t.look.at.it.don’t.look.at.it.don’t.look.at.it.don’t.look.at.it.big.smile.big.smile.just.give.her.the.rose.so.I.don’t.have.to.look.at.it.nubby.nubby.nubby.nubby.big.smile.rose.ceremony.time.phew!”

Trying to enunciate her slurred speech, Lindsay says her stomach’s in knots, but I’m guessing that’s her body’s way of telling her she’s about to throw up. Final roses go to Amanda, Lesley M., Kacie B., Kristy, Daniella, Taryn, and Lindsay.

The rejects shed some tears over a man they just met. If it were me, I’d be crying, too, but because I wouldn’t get to go on all those amazing vacations. And I won’t lie—it’s a bit of a “bumski” to see Barbie Ass, a.k.a. 50 Shades of Drunk, exit so early because she would have brought tons of entertainment, dirty dancing and lip-biting.

On the upside, my favorites made it through: Lesley M. and Desiree. Now, as always, I know who Sean picks, and I have a vague idea of the pecking order (although I will be reviewing that again after this post for my own personal satisfaction). Nevertheless, I will not let my favorites dictate or spoil my posts. Who knows? My picks might even change as I watch the magic unfold. You’ll just have to keep watching and reading to see if my picks include Sean’s future fiancée or perhaps a future Bachelorette or Bachelor Pad contestant. Until next week… keep your rape whistles ready.

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