The Oscars love your boobs

I’m no Joan Rivers, but I think I can be a little smart and snarky. If only I had my own show! Here’s how it works: I break down the best and worst dressed celebrities on the Oscar’s red carpet with pics, compliments of People.com. I’ve created some of my own unique categories to including Most Unconventional because something always stands out from the crowd.

BEST DRESSED LIST

Best Dressed: Jennifer Lawrence. Ok, so maybe it was the obvious choice, but it was effortlessly elegant! She looks healthy since her bout with pneumonia, and she looks so chic. I love the fitted bodice and the perfectly voluminous pouf of the skirt. Usually the jewel tones win me over and the nude/white/blush shades makes me roll my eyes, but Jennifer looks like a vision in pale pink. So sophisticated and Oscar-worthy! And we haven’t seen her boobs, as Seth McFarlane pointed out—on or off the red carpet.

Most Glamorous: Olivia Munn. I missed her walk the red carpet, and not because of her bold choice of color. This chick is totally fit, and the corset with gold stitching hugs her curves like lingerie. I love the draping, which normally would make me complain about too much fabric, but instead its satiny sheen makes it appear totally touchable.

Most Unconventional: Naomi Watts. Not only is the color and sparkle outstanding, but the fit is flawless. And of course, the whole reason it’s unconventional—the chest/sleeve cutout!

Best Color: Naomie Harris. Mustard? I know! But it so works on her. This was also a close second for my most unconventional. I don’t understand the top, and I think that’s why I like it—almost like cobblestone. The bottom looks so light and silky, and if you caught my Golden Globes review, you’ll know I’m a fan of the high slit. Love the leg over the cleav! Also have to give her props on the soft curls.

Best Neutral: Charlize Theron. One of the E! correspondents said it was reminiscent of Anne Hathaway at the Globes, but I disagree. Charlize isn’t pasty, and she works this fashionable Dior gown. I love the peplum—surprised we didn’t see more of the trend this season! And I’m not really a fan of the pixie cuts, but Charlize’s looks so spunky—a total badass bombshell.

Best Long Sleeves: Halle Berry. I originally chose Jennifer Hudson, who somehow made the scale-effect look attractive. Then I switched my vote. Halle said she asked Donatella Versace to make her look like a Bond girl, and she definitely achieved that creation. Even the shoulder-pad look couldn’t ruin this sparkly, streamlined gown.

Best Plus Size: Adele. Even though she didn’t vary from her Globes look (all black), this one again has a great fit, great length, great sleeves and it’s accompanied by the classic Adele ‘do and smoky eye.

Best Over 50: Jane Fonda. Clearly the boldest color on the carpet! I love the cut and how exquisitely it conveys her timeless beauty. Another celebrity whose short hair style I would say complements her appearance.

Best Dressed (Who are you again?): Corinne Bishop. She’s Jamie Foxx’s daughter. In this picture, she looks like a scared kitten, but she was gorgeous on his arm. I love the teal color, the heart-shape neckline and the interwoven bodice. She may be one to watch in the future.

Dress I desperately want to fall in love with: Sandra Bullock. First off, I wanted to push her hair back behind her ear. Back to the dress—I initially hated it like most of her previous red carpet appearances. Then I had an internal tug-of-war. I like the fit on her and the black laciness; I don’t like the sheer bottom (reminds me of a negligee), and the purse should have been silver or black.

Best Dressed Host: Nancy O’Dell & Maria Menounos. There have been award shows in the past where I’ve detested almost every host’s gown; however, these two are almost always consistent with their picks. I swear Nancy gets younger every year, and did anyone wear a dress better than she did? I love the beautiful blue color and her strappy shoes. Maria also went with a bold brilliant color in a gown, and she is notorious for the high, voluminous hair.

Best Hair and Makeup: Jessica Chastain. I have a feeling she’ll get a lot of flack about her dress (again), but I thought it complemented her sun-kissed skin and auburn hair. Speaking of hair, it looked wavy and polished, and her makeup only made her look more gorgeous. I am also usually overly critical of the red lip (probably because I could never pull it off), and even with the red hair it doesn’t clash—it works!

Best Dressed Man: Eddie Redmayne. Can you say ‘smoldering’?

Best Dressed Couple: Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban. These two took my breathe away. Nicole always brings the high fashion, and she has the perfectly well-coiffed man candy. Even Nicole’s hair looks so effortless.

WORST DRESSED LIST

Worst Dressed: Kerry Washington. Ok, it was an upgrade from the Globes. I do like the salmon color against her skin tone, but it’s the flowery bust, cheap, flat-pressed bow, and extra length that moved this to the worst dressed list. First time, though, that I didn’t want to actually pick one; although I would have defaulted to no-name Rachel Mwanza (no-name being irrelevant because she’s at the Oscars, and I’m unbathed, on my couch).

Worst Long Sleeves: Sally Field. The sheer red was just not working. The way it gathered made it appear like she has arm rolls. The other thing about this dress—if you put a petticoat under it, she could have been mistaken as coming character.

Worst Plus Size: Melissa McCarthy. Typical—someone cut a whole in sheet and applied some sparkly appliques to pull it all together. What’s with the 80’s rocker hair?

Worst Over 50: Tabatha Coffey. Not sure who she is, Sinead O’Conner’s stunt double? I think she raided Jennifer Lawrence’s closet for a gown. She has no cleavage to work this dress, and the feathers and leather gloves clash.

Worst Steal: Helen Hunt. She got her dress from H&M, and it shows. It’s all crinkly and it looks very similar to my sophomore homecoming dress.  I get the feeling she just doesn’t care anymore.

Worst Dressed (Who are you again?): Brandi Glanville. I have no clue why she’s at the Oscars. A color would have helped this dress, but only slightly. To be honest, though, Brandi just chose the wrong dress. Her makeup is overkill, she’s too tan (even for Hollywood), and her boobs—what can’t I say about those things busting out of their tiny cup holders?

Worst Dressed (You should know better): Salma Hayek. Correspondents said she looked super-petite, but with her curves, that dress should have hugged her a little more. Instead the velvet fabric just hands there. Then there’s that horrid collar and awful tiara!

Worst Dressed (I let my child pick out my dress): Amy Adams. I think this dress overwhelms Amy and definitely washes her out. Not sure if her kid is old enough to make fashion choices, but if she’s not, then that explains why she wore this.

Dress that everyone will probably love but I hate: Jennifer Aniston. Ok, you’re probably thinking “But you like Jennifer Lawrence?” Well, to be honest, I saw Jennifer’s ensemble and I liked it. She looks great in red, and she’s rocking the classic J. Aniston. Then I thought, this is the Oscars. Pull up your hair! As far as the dress, the length is too long, and the whole concept is too young—too Jennifer Lawrence. She also looks best in something more fitted.

Worst Neutral: Kristen Stewart. At first I thought this gown was white, but I think it’s more of a dusty gold. Another example of a dress washing out its wearer! Plus, Kristen has a boyish figure, and this dress makes that clearly evident. I also cannot comprehend the use of tool at the bottom.

Worst Dressed Host: Kelly Rowland. This dress must have come from a contortionist. I feel like she’s about to flash us goods—top and bottom. Then there’s that hideous updo with those heavy bangs! I don’t know what Jamie Foxx sees in her (since he groped her on the red carpet).

Worst Hair and Makeup: Renee Zellweger. The cryptkeeper has arrived! I don’t think gold’s her color, and it’s not that flattering on her figure. Unfortunately, this shot does not convey the utter disaster that is her hair and makeup. Inside the theater, her hair looked frizzy, and it seemed like she didn’t even apply makeup to disguise her gaunt eating disorder.

Worst Dressed Man: Jason Schwartzman. I thought it was Charlie Chaplin! The navy suit, droopy bow tie, oversized fit, 20’s slicked-back hair, and Chester-the-Molester ‘stache complete this horrifying ensemble.

Worst Dressed Couple: Sunrise Coigney and Mark Ruffalo. Her dress looks leathery on top with a poncho on the bottom, and his suit looks shiny, which highlights an apparent weight gain. I love Mark, but I think he’s had some medical problems, which makes him look 5-10 years older. I feel bad giving them this award, so check out Quentin Tarantino and Lianne Spiderbaby. He’s all disheveled, and she looks like she’s auditioning for a remake of Sound of Music. Plus, her deep V makes her look like a linebacker.

I also included a few other pics of stars whom I didn’t critique, so enjoy the gallery and let me know: Who was your best and worst dressed stars of the evening?

Love potion number nein

That’s German for “no.” {shakes head}

Tonight was the premiere of Bachelor Pad 3, but before we get to that (tomorrow), I need to phase out Emily’s season. Since I knew who she chose and how things went down, I didn’t watch the live finale… only because I was driving back from St. Louis, but I was thisclose to convincing my boyfriend to watch it with me. I’ll get him one of these days… then maybe he can be a fan competing on Bachelor Pad 4.

Anyway, last night Emily pretended she didn’t know who she would choose, but let’s face it, Jef’s been a front runner from the start. Like Jesse Csincsak, the quirky guys who start as friends tend to stand out with the Bachelorettes.

Emily’s family, including little Ricki, arrive in Curacao. Emily isn’t sure if she wants the guys to meet her indentured servant. Her family, minus Ricki, meet Jef first, who admitted his family was skeptical about the process, mainly because Emily didn’t fit the mold of the other sister wives in their clan.

Emily’s mom says she loved Brad, but I’m sure that was because of his affluent assets.  Emily’s brother also has a few things to say, but I was distracted because he looks like “Jaws” from the Roger Moore James Bond films. He’s not very animated but he is somewhat intimidating, and he talks out the side of his mouth like the Jaws character might do.  

From one steel jaw to the next, Jef asked Emily’s father’s permission to marry her, and because Jef has a multi-million dollar company with investments hidden in his pompadour, he agreed.

Next up, Arie meets the fam but endures a lot of awkward pauses. Clearly, this family has had enough of the interview process. “Oh you’re a race car driver? Been there, done that.”

Not sure who he’s wooing, Arie gives Emily’s family the roses that she presented him. Sort of ironic that one of the final two would give BACK the roses, and I’m sure her family was like, “Uh, that’s an odd bouquet of flowers. Maybe we can sell them on eBay to fans of the show since you’re not sticking around.”

Arie confesses he misses his ex’s kids right before he asks for Emily’s hand. Dude obviously doesn’t have his priorities straight. “Sure, you can marry my daughter, and feel free to adopt your ex’s kids while you’re at it.” He feels confident that the next time he sees her family he’ll be engaged… in a hand party maybe… while watching her live televised wedding to Jef.

Afterward, Emily’s dad tells her that she can’t really be in love with two people, but I love my boyfriend AND Channing Tatum so I think he’s wrong. Emily’s mom also thinks she should wait on an engagement… wouldn’t want Kim K.’s wedding fallout.

Now’s the hard part! Emily and her mini-me have to decide what to order from room service. Then Emily has her last date with Jef, and all we hear is love, love, love, lovelovelove. Jef really wants to meet Ricki,  and he knows how to turn the tables—he asks Emily how she’d feel in his shoes, and she says it would be weird. This wears her down, and she agrees to let him meet Ricki. So they admire Ricki’s swimming skills, watch crabs, play with puppets—all natural bonding experiences.

Later, Emily tells Jef that Ricki wants to see him again. It must be weird to have a crush on your future step dad! Emily and Jef make out a little bit, and then Jef gives her a book about Curacao, in which he drew creepy little stick figures. Then he confesses what he really wants: “Emily knows I like to mess around and have fun.” With that Emily sends him and his blue balls off to bed.

An interesting part of the finale? Chris Harrison’s interruptive screen time, live in studio, pulling a Maury Povich. Let’s ask the audience what they think of Jef. Blah blah blah… we’re all experts on what’s best for Emily. I enjoyed the one viewer’s response: “I hope she picks Arie, so the rest of America can have Jef.” I hope I’m number 69!

The next morning, in Curacao time, Emily meets with Mr. Harrison because he really is the subject matter expert on getting dumped. Emily knows she wants Jef, but she feels so bad letting Arie go. She’s about to pull an Ali—she knows she can’t go any further with Arie. To make things most awkward, Arie arrives first for their doomed date and meets a local voodoo woman who will show him how to make a love potion. Too bad this is the movie version with Sandra Bullock! Arie could have pulled a Tate Donovan, sabotaged her wine glass, and kissed her until he tasted the sweat of a mule.

Well Arie did show her the love potion, and he starts to get sexy with her. That’s nice! But Emily is only stalling, trying to hold back the flood gates. After numerous sobs, she admits he’s not the one even though she thought he would be the whole time.

Of all the breakups, I’ll give ABC this—Arie’s reaction is the most raw and probably the most dramatic. The only other guy that came close was Ben with Ashley. Arie wishes her good luck, says he doesn’t know what to say, and thought he knew what she wanted but he was wrong. A gracious and honest exit overall!

After Arie’s parting words in the vehicle, the audience appears comatose, like a graveyard of viewers. Chris Harrison: “The toughest breakup I think I’ve ever seen on this show… clearly deeply affected everyone here in our studio audience.” Or did you just sedate them?

Returning from commercial, Chris speaks with Ashley and JP who empathize with Emily and Arie, Deanna who commends Emily’s actions, Mike Stag who confirms Arie could be a future contender on Bachelor Pad 4, and Ashley Spivey… well I don’t really know WHY she was there.

The next day in Curacao, Emily is getting ready and dreaming about Jef. Meanwhile, Jef is picking out Emily’s ring with Neil Lane and dreaming about Emily. These two can’t wait to get naked.

So without further ado, twenty four hours after the fact, Jef and Emily get engaged, and sure maybe that pause was “Do I really want to do this again?” but she couldn’t pull a Womack, not this late in the game. I guess only time will tell. And what happened to “My Heart Will Go On”? Instead, we get Peter Cetera’s “Glory of Love”. Why do I always feel like we’re back in the 70’s, 80’s or 90’s with these songs?

During the ATFR, Emily insults Neil Lane, saying the ring means nothing and she’d rather have a piece of tape around her finger. No, take this hideous $68,000 ring away from me. Later, Arie recounts his pain from the breakup but says watching it helped him cope. That and the thought that maybe all that grooming will earn him the coveted role of The Bachelor.

Arie also confesses he flew to North Carolina after the show wrapped, intending to see Emily, but changed his mind about seeing her when he got there. Instead, he left his journal for Emily to read. Emily has it—still in its packaging—and Arie looks pissed. After all, if she’d just read it with all its creepy sexual undertones, I’m sure she would have gone crawling back. Emily says she encouraged Arie to keep a journal but she couldn’t read it out of respect for Arie and Jef because it wouldn’t have changed anything. Again, Arie wishes she had just been direct and said don’t put your peen in my face.

Last but not least, we learn Jef and Arie are still butt buddies, but Jef prefers Emily’s butt so he’s moving to Charlotte. The End

And the best dressed award goes to…

The greatest night in film has arrived, as did numerous, luminous stars to the red carpet. Predictions suggested black would rule the celebrity runway, but white made an appearance in the right way. Here are my picks for the best and worst dressed at the 2012 Academy Awards!

BEST DRESSED LIST

Best dressed: Milla Jovovich.  Resident hottie! She’s never been to the Oscars and already she’s slayin’ it! I hope she steps out more often!

Runner up: Emma Stone.  I know everyone’s making comparisons to this dress  worn previously by Nicole Kidman, but the only real similarity is the bow. I love the touchable fabric, the way it flows and the brilliance of the color. Easy A+ in my book!

Best white: Gwyneth Paltrow.  I can’t stop thinking about this dress and how glamorous she looks! Sure, it has a cape, but she’s a total superhero at the Oscars. Guess she’ll have a View from the Top; maybe then her hair will come out of that awful low ponytail!

Best black: Angelina Jolie.  Even though she still looks like something a Tomb Raider would find (a.k.a. scary skinny), Angie can’t help looking uber-confident and crazy-sexy in this velvet-y black gown. She keeps it simple without any jewelry, which presumably slipped off when she was attaining that wildly seductive sex hair just moments before emerging from her limo!

Best color: Leslie Mann.  Such a gorgeous dress… makes her look 17 Again! Perfect combination of sleek and sparkly!

Runner up: Penelope Cruz.  She’s no stranger to ball gowns at awards shows, but tonight Penelope is a vision of old Hollywood. I give her a Nine out of 10!

Best plus size: Octavia Spencer.  Not sure if this is white, off-white, or cream, but who cares? It shines just like the Academy Award winner herself. Octavia has made excellent choices this season, and this dress exquisitely shapes her figure. She certainly needs no Help looking like a champ!

Best over 40: Meryl Streep.  No, I wouldn’t wear it, but this is Meryl! She looks so regal and statuesque, and surprisingly, the gold accessories don’t make her look like an Iron Lady.

Best host: Maria Menounos.  If this dress were metallic, it would be the color of the new car I want. Reminiscent of Mila in lavender last year! So romantic and ethereal!

Best couple: George Clooney and Stacy Keibler.  Looks like George already picked up his Oscar! Stacy has been one to watch this season, and tonight was no different. Her dress looks like liquid gold and complements her skin tone and hair color tremendously.

Best guy: Pharrell Williams.  Is this the guy that was responsible for the shitty sound at the Oscars? During the pre-show, he was labeled a music consultant. Either way, a good tailored suit makes it almost forgivable.

Most improved: Michelle Williams.  She always walks her own path when it comes to fashion, but not since her yellow fringe-y number have I loved one of her dresses so much! The coral color against her porcelain skin oozes a fruity flavor. My only issue is the fabric—it looks sorta starchy and itchy!

Most unexpected surprise: Cameron Diaz.  It’s clear I’m not on board with the nude color trend, but There’s Something about Cameron in this beige gown that makes me wanna be In Her Shoes!

Don’t love ‘em/don’t hate ‘em: Jessica Chastain , Rooney Mara , and Kristen Wiig . For Jessica, I think it was a little ornate, but the black and gold contrast was definitely Helped her standout. Rooney, on the other hand, had been The Girl hiding in black but instead chose an off-white number, which only made her made haircut more evident. Lastly, Kristen’s dress isn’t bad, but again, she chose a bad color I can only describe as the diarrhea from Bridesmaids. Not to mention, an up-do would have improved this look considerably.

WORST DRESSED LIST

Worst dressed: Berenice Bejo.  Redheads and navy dresses work! Redheads and seafoam green? Not so much! Berenice wore the deep blue at the Globes, but failed to stun this evening. Frankly, it looks like she’s caught in a net!

Runner up: Jennifer Lopez.  Jenny from the block has a look, and this is it—tantalizingly tight, splendidly sparkly, and a collage of cleavage and cut-outs. Unfortunately, this dress looks like an optical illusion. If you stare too long you might have a seizure! And can J.Lo rock any other hair style beside the top-knot?

Worst white: Shailene Woodley.  Not looking good for this up-and-comer! This dress looks like it was made for a blind person with the braille on chest! Furthermore, it’s just too matronly for this young Descendant. You’ll have plenty of time to look old, Shailene, so use this time to look fresh and fabulous!

Worst black: Anna Faris.  Love the hair, hate the dress! It’s no surprise long sleeves did not receive a high five at the Oscars. It looks like Anna added the missing pieces to Rose Byrne’s dress  and went with it.

Worst plus size: Melissa McCarthy.  Ok, ok, so the dress isn’t as horrific as Bridesmaids not winning an award, but she looks like she belongs in a tower, letting down her hair! Someone trying to live out a fairy tale?

Worst over 40: Melissa Leo.  Not even sure if this can be categorized as a dress? Obviously, someone doesn’t care unless she’s nominated.

Worst host: Kelly Osbourne.  The dress isn’t that bad, but I can’t take fashion advice seriously from someone with purple hair. That and she is such a proponent of spanx, but yet her dress looks too tight across her hips.

Worst guy: Matthew Lillard.  A. Where’s he been since Scream? B. Why does he look like a creepy serial killer? And C. why does his suit look a few sizes too big? Did he just come off Biggest Loser: Celebrity Edition?

Most unexpected disappointment: Sandra Bullock.  Just like Melissa Leo, a former Oscar winner should show ‘em how it’s done, right Gwyneth? Sandra’s dress is ill-fitting on top, even if it does present a scoop back. Not even the black and white could Blindside this dress into the best dressed category.

Runner up: Natalia Portman.  You, too, Natalie! As a Black Swan you should have blossomed, but instead you look more like a pregnant lady bug.

Now you know mine, so who were your favorites?

Once upon a time… in Bachelorville!

Well we all know who stole the show last night. No, not whimpering Jenna, but wizarding Jenna!! That beard was tight!! But what happened to her part in that play? Guess she went out with an Ala-kazaam because POOF! she disappeared.

As a side note, I checked out her blog http://theoveranalyst.net/, which is really just a half-ass attempt at looking cool chic. Hell! The site is still under construction. You’d think that if you went on a show where you’d receive heaps of criticism for your behavior, you’d prepare yourself for the fallout and put your best foot forward. Guess she’ll always be known as the girl in the 15 second teaser, bawling her eyes out, a.k.a. The Bachelor mascot.

If you recall, I made a post about the film Crazy Stupid Love, which actually resembles a movie review. Well, Jenna has one, too, or rather two paragraphs where she drools over Ryan Gosling, quotes a generic line from the film and claims it is a “great movie with some great meaning behind it.” That one, she’s deep… like Ryan Gosling’s baby blues.

On the feature presentation… Last evening’s cast will be played by none other than the following:

America’s sweetheart Sandra Bullock  as Kacie B. 

Girl next door Emma Stone  as Jennifer

Good ol’ Marcia Brady  as Lindzi C

That girl from Gossip Girl who went brunette for a movie role  as Jamie

Demi Moore with social anxiety  as Jenna

(My personal favorite) Hatchet Face from Cry Baby  as Jaclyn

Some famewhore who dated an actor  playing… herself?

Mr. Ed  as Blakeley

And…

 Hey! Haven’t I seen you on this show before?

Well, the producers wastes no time playing up this episode as a love story (don’t worry, next week shit hits the fan when someone we all thought was dead and buried rises from the crypt and tries to embalm entrance Ben with her fluids charms).

As our leading man, Ben plans to woo Kacie B. in his hometown of Sonoma. Reminds me of Ryan Gosling again, in The Notebook, where Noah and Allie walk down a deserted main street, but this time, the leading lady twirls a baton like it’s her job. Then they watch a naked boy Ben practicing his lunges on a picnic table, or as they call it “family videos.” Quite touching actually! Hope his little willy didn’t get a splinter. That’s would be hard to watch for a long length of time. The image still wants to penetrate my mind but I’ve ejaculated the thought from my memory so that it doesn’t come back, thrusting it’s way in.

Next scene…

The evil queen Courtney can be heard cackling in the castle. Evidently, she thinks she’s the fairest of them all and hopes to see Kacie B.’s heart cut out for her viewing pleasure. This witch is drunk with giddiness when the prince, who must be under some sort of spell, gives her a rose on their stroll through the seemingly enchanted forest.

Courtney seems so contrived. I can’t tell if she’s acting, like her ex-boyfriend (Jesse Metcalfe) does or if she truly believes she’s a damsel in the highest tower waiting for her prince to come. Pity, the wicked witch always plays a pivotal role in the quest for true love. Wonder who she feed a poisoned apple…

Meanwhile, all the fair (and not-so-fair) maidens gather in the town square to greet the handsome prince with wave-y locks of chocolate. He puts those doe-eyed ladies to the test in their very own theatrical debut where the wee-townsfolk hold their auditions and undoubtedly make these women appear comical or uninspired.

Most of them make bedroom barnyard noises. Nicki does a sexy dance, which for children is the “sprinkler.” Highly doubt that got Ben sprinkling! Then there was JuGGs a.k.a. Blakeley, who just wanted to show off those bOObs she paid for as a Hooter’s girl. Bet she’s been ridden as often as Lindzi’s horse. I guess they’ve got something else in common.

Blakeley looks like she squeezed into a 10 year-old’s overalls. Hey, I didn’t know there was a camel[toe] in this play! The little kids wet dream-makers even made her jog in slow motion. On one side, there was the female opinion: “I wasn’t a fan of her.” Aaaand then the pea-brain opinion: “She did good.” Wipe that drool off your pants, kid! Oh, that’s not drool?

Another thing I didn’t see coming was the sheering of the sheep! BAHHH! {That was my vagina calling!} So Ben stripped down, neglected to receive his smooch from the hippie and the valley girl (who later setup their own awkward threesome), and gave the honorary Oscar to the weasel! Well, who else? Bearded Jenna was off twitterpating somewhere, Blakeley was keeping her gumdrop buttons covered in her gingerbread costume, and Hatchet Face had to be the ugliest princess I’ve ever seen. GOO!

So after the townspeople elementary school parents of Sonoma cheered at the festivities, it was back to the castle so Ben could perform mouth-to-mouth on all the ladies. Was it just me or did these first kisses seem totally unromantic? “My name is Doctor Ben, and I’m here to check your tonsils. If you want a rose, you better put out because I’m not proposing to someone who wants to high five… unless it’s in the bedroom. Wink wink!” I felt like I paid a quarter to watch someone else kiss at a kissing booth.

And in our final act, all the ladies attend the grand ball, where hopefully they’ll be hand selected by the prince to continue on his journey as the 16^th unmarried Bachelor. Unfortunately all the Cinderellas don’t get their time to shine because the evil stepsister Blakeley, who already received a rose, has her sight set on Ben. She’s the so-called “cock in the henhouse.” No wonder Monica backed off this week—Blakeley’s got a peen! Which contradicts my next thought when she goes to cower in the bedroom: “Boo hoo, my tampon string broke and nobody will help me get it out!” Hey, there are two sides to every story!

Eventually the clock strikes 2:00 AM and Ben awakens a tearful Jenna from her slumber, only to send her bony ass packing, along with Old Mother Hubbard. So kiddies, while the prince hasn’t yet chosen his princess, horse, evil queen, or any other character in the fairytale, we’re less than one week away from our next storytime—Mr. Ben’s Wild Ride in San Francisco.