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Archive for September, 2011

The Nearly Naked Game

Posted by emzkbd on September 6, 2011

Before I jump into bed with last night’s episode, I just thought I’d share (again) that today it was (officially) announced that Ben is
the next Bachelor. I can hear my friend Kait squealing with anticipation and my sister welling up like Monsoon Melissa (because she didn’t audition). Either way, it should make for an excellent season. Bitches be crazy when they’re vying for one man!

On to last night… Chris Harrison waltzes in from the rose ceremony like he’s speaking to a first grade class. “This ain’t kindergarten kids. Cliques are bound to happen. If you want to graduate with a smidge of honors, you make friends with the smart kid. If you want to get laid, pair up with the dumb blonde. And if you want to win $250,000, sacrifice your dignity, come up with a sob story, and be prepared to make out with someone you know absolutely nothing about… or your ex.”

What Chris really tells them is that they have to find a partner. No, Blake, not for sex-ed class. This one’s eyeing Holly like a new
toothbrush. But there’s a lot of plaque build-up, namely Ericka. She gets stuck in your teeth, or in this case, stuck with Blake. Ericka makes it clear that she’s a better partner than Holly, although the comparisons she made seemed almost ironic.

Once it’s clear that the only ones who need to pair up are Blake and Ericka, the couples decide it’s in their best interest to get to know each other, like Miss Honey said. However Kasey and Vienna “go to bed” because they are confident in their connection. The next morning, Kasey shows us what they were really up to when he sniffs his fingers for the camera. Mmm, smells like sausage!

Turns out, they’re playing the “Nearly-wed Game.” Har har har, Chris Harrison, you could almost pass as a game show host if you weren’t such a smurf munchin’ on your smurfberries!

A few highlights from this game:

  • Kasey + Vienna = FAIL. (So much for “early to bed, early to rise,” unless that’s Kasey’s penis’s motto.
  • Michelle doesn’t have a sense of humor?! Puh-lease, she was the source of entertainment on Brad Blow-mack’s season.
  • Holly didn’t sleep with Michael for 32 dates… more like 32 seconds.
  • Kasey thinks Vienna’s exes miss her teeth most. I bet Blake’s exes miss his teeth, when compared to his winning personality.
  • Graham lost his virginity at age 7. But wait, it was all strategy, and brilliantly played might I add. Michael as the biggest cheat? Sure, almost as believable as Holly’s 32 date rule.
  • And Blake is reaching Jason Mesnick’s most hated Bachelor (contestant) status! Blake knows he’s “dead in the water.” Well, maybe Monsoon Melissa will blow in and rescue you. At least Blake takes responsibility for his actions. He says he’s made his bed and he will lie in it, but we all know he’s hoping Holly will curl on up in it.
  • The winners: Graham and Michelle, who else? Their answers didn’t make sense, but it earned them their roses and a private screening of What’s Your Number? Well, we know it’s not seven.

Pre-date, everyone is sitting around when they hear what appears to be a helicopter approaching… but really, it was the sound of Vienna’s beef drapes flapping in the wind, which we’ll come back to. First, Graham and Michelle are whisked away, by helicopter, and enjoy their movie while splashing around in a pool.

This new movie, starring Chris Evans and Anna Faris, is definitely going to be a predictable rom-com. While they’re watching it, we can hear Michelle’s thoughts: “I’m so glad we’re watching this because it’s like my life, and Graham can be my less hot version of Chris Evans, and we’ll live happily ever after with our $250,000, my daughter, and all the charities we can
create to keep us in the spotlight.”

I’m sure Graham feels much the same. If you still have the show on your DVR, when Graham says “we were practically half naked,” I swear it looks like he has a boner. If his charity doesn’t raise money, I’m sure that image will.

Back at the house, Kasey vs. Vienna (round three hundred fifty-two) is commencing. Kirk’s impression is priceless – the “most in love bachelor couple in history” is fighting (again). Apparently, Kasey ripped the promise ring off Vienna’s finger because she promised she would always have sex with him except this one time… or something like that. Kasey – wife-beater in training!

I’m sorry, but this seems like a ploy for more camera time. Vienna withholds sex? Yeah right, and I’m still a virgin. However, if this were true (…the part about Vienna), it makes Jake’s outburst more understandable and his side of the story more plausible. And how does cuddling create such an intense argument? In my world, cuddling makes everything better. Then again, it almost always
leads to sex, too. Touché Vienna!

Later on, we’re prepping for god-knows-what’s-gonna-go-down on Blake and Ericka’s date. Most likely Ericka, if she gets her way! This chick’s ready to hand out a blow-jay and she doesn’t care who in America knows it. Before they’re date, Ericka takes a hint from Chris Harrison and decides to scold Blake for his man-whoring ways. Unfortunately, this goes in one ear and
out the other once Holly waddles into the kitchen in her teeny bikini to distract Blake from his impending date at the temple of doom, a.k.a Ericka’s vagina. Such a tease—girl doesn’t want her man porking a platypus.

But Ericka is determined to succeed on her mission to get into a sexy position, specifically the missionary one; although that seems a little PG if I must say so myself. Go figure, the hotel is called the “Mission Inn,” which totally looks like the haunted house Ericka went to earlier in the season. The hotel is completely deserted, which also suggests it’s inhabited by spirits, something Ericka knows a thing or two about. She says she communicates with her dead friends, probably as often as she talks to plastic surgeons… or her astrologer named Herb. Wonder if he knows Brad’s therapist?

Meanwhile, I’m going to skip over the Michael/Holly merry-go-round. It’s about time we got off this ride! Michael’s constant need
to win her over—“I have fallen in love with you… I wanna kiss you every time I see you”—needs to stop because it’s clear she wants to boink Blake. I also can’t stand Holly’s whining that Michael broke her heart, when it was HER that gave back the ring FIRST. She deserves Blake the Snake, two slithering slime-balls in a peapod.

Back at the “mission for position” palace, Ericka brings out the big guns… and I don’t mean her liquid-filled lips. Apparently she’s over the fact that he’s the WORST partner and on to the fact that he’s a potential (sexual) partner. But Blake is a little stressed out, a.k.a. he won’t be able to get it up when Ericka’s sucker-fish pucker come to swallow his snake.

Ericka continues to plead her case, saying they’re not unprotected, a.k.a. Blake can wear a condom to protect him from the swarm of diseases infecting her other surgically enhanced lips.  But Blake should have been a lawyer because his argument totally made sense: If he told the guys that he brought condoms and was so persistent, it would probably make most women uncomfortable, but not Ericka! She wished he brought those condoms. Hell, she brought her racy lingerie and her horny alter-ego. This chick was ready to get down and dirty with her dentist dessert. Hey Blake, just add a little Novocain and you won’t
feel a thing!

At this point, the date began to cross the line. Ericka practically demanded sex, and I half expected her to rip off her clothes like
Demi Moore in Striptease. She was not going to let Blake leave. Blake’s narration during this showdown suggested he was crying, probably because he feared being the first man raped on national TV. Yep, they definitely had their differences during dinner. Ericka wanted to do the horizontal tango, and Blake wanted to be vertically ejected from his seat.

Anyway, Ericka and Blake get roses to save a couple, not themselves. Once they tell everyone, Kasey and Vienna go from hating on Ericka to practically begging for her roses. You’d think two of the biggest connivers would have smelled rats, or at least Kasey lying through his bad breath.  Maybe Kasey and Vienna promised Ericka a threesome, and Blake could watch, since he’s obviously moved on to the righteous path of not hooking up with notorious blondes.

So Vienna and Kasey got those roses. Such a shame because if Blake and Ericka had saved the “deserving” couple it might not have been them going home. And what’s with Vienna and her “I gotta rose” routine? Is she auditioning for mime school?

And then it’s time… Chris Harrison, such a smarmy little leprechaun, clinking his glass to announce deliberations for the rose ceremony, wishing he could find his pot o’ gold and dream of rainbows and butterflies and Kasey and Vienna’s compromise (to snuggle or not to snuggle, that is the question).

Inevitably, it comes down to the good (Kirk and Ella) vs. whores (Blake and Ericka), and Holly is the deciding vote. Was she really
crying and writing a letter in the bathroom? “Dear Diary, I’m confused… Michael was my first love, but Blake makes my vagina tingle. What to do, what to do?”

As it turned out, it was for Blakey-wakey, who she sent packing. First sign of betrayal, Blake. Look out! This doesn’t bode well for you two. Next thing you know you’ll be at the grocery store arm wrestling over the choice between Cheerios or Cocoa Puffs. If you pick wrong, Blake, you’re going home alone with some lotion and a box of tissues. Or you could always call Ericka for a good time! Decisions,decisions…

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