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Posts Tagged ‘Jason Mesnick’

Playboys need love, too

Posted by emzkbd on February 19, 2013

This week, Sean visited the final four’s hometowns and asked each girl’s father (and one’s mother) for their marriage blessing. I really think a sex tiebreaker would have made this week’s elimination a whole lot simpler, but apparently this Bachelor has “values”—whatever those are. I sure wouldn’t want my picture splashed across tabloid covers with the headline “Born-Again Virgin”—not even with the byline “Vaginal Rejuvenation Success Stories”.

The first hometown date wasn’t that far of a jog for Sean, who lives in Dallas. AssLee lives in Houston with her terrier Bailey. I hate that name unless it’s served on the rocks.

AssLee thinks she’s found true love. “What if he says, ‘You’re amazing, but you’re not the one!’” Then you go to counseling. Am I right?

This date is boring like all of their dates. AssLee: “God, you amaze me everytime!” Sean: “{doofy laugh} Hahaha, stop, I’m not God, but I can make you say his name.” AssLee: “You’re so handsome. I love looking at you.” Lots of closed-mouth kissing ensues, and AssLee cheers “YAY!” Nothing turns my vagina off faster than a close-mouth kiss.

AssLee and Sean arrive at her parent’s house, and she says she’s been dreaming about this day since she was 4 or 5 years old. I’m sure this was taken out of context because “meet the parents” isn’t exactly the make-believe game you play. I was more about dressing up in my mom’s lingerie and marrying my sister. See how things can get taken out of context?!

They sit down to eat in AssLee’s parent’s backyard… probably because of all the crucifixes, rosary beads or statues of Mary. AssLee’s dad wants to know every detail about their journey—where they’ve been, what they’ve seen, how close Sean’s peen came to AssLee’s hotbox. AssLee recalls the Polar Bear Plunge—with tears in her eyes—because it was really that cold… or because she was ready to marry Sean come hell or ice water.

Then she proceeds to tell them about their “romance” in St. Croix. AssLee: “We had fun in the sand, mama, you know, like they did in Grease. We rolled around in the sand, and I felt his man parts against my lady bits. That was really fun… and then I told him I loved him. He didn’t say anything because he’s contractually obligated.”

AssLee’s mom wants to reiterate the sense of abandonment AssLee experienced as an orphan. Basically Sean should be careful because sometimes she wanders off wearing a blindfold and awakes with no sense of who she is and how she got there.

From there, Sean sits down with her dad and tells him he’s “crazy about his daughter.” Then the crazy talk turns to AssLee’s underage marriage, and the lesson learned is you have to let your children make their own mistakes. Tear! Sean says he’s seen AssLee’s “core” and asks for her father’s permission to plunge his drill into it. He agrees. One down, four to go.

AssLee’s dad recalls the story of when he met AssLee, in one of the most heartfelt moments of the series. “Whatever man takes her for the rest of her life is gonna have to fall in love with her like that.” Then again, pedophilia—not so much! AssLee says she cries every time her dad shares that, which makes me wonder how many times she’s found “true love”. In true ABC Disney fairy tale fashion, AssLee says the day was magical, and there’s pixie dust everywhere. Well bibbity-bobbity-boo! My fairy godmother would be jealous.

The next hometown visits takes Sean to Seattle, where he finds Catherine in a busy marketplace. They make a wish on a pig—not sure if it was supposed to buck or vibrate, but it appears they stuck him with some coins. People are staring. What? You’ve never seen two people ride a ham?

They pass through Pike Place where they toss fish. Catherine drops hers because it’s “slippery”. Slippage can ruin relationships, Catherine. She says she loves the way Sean smells—like fish. She also loves his big, beefy arms and hopes he’s got the meaty sausage to match. Sean says Catherine brings out the kid in him.

Lots of squealing occurs when they enter Catherine’s house. Sean puts on an apron and flirts with her Grandma Graham Cracker, but for Catherine, the reception isn’t as welcoming. Her sisters are very critical of her choices because they feel like Catherine has to convince them to support her relationship. Catherine: “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t really care about this guy.” Yeah, I could see Tierra saying the same thing. Catherine’s sisters proceed to bash her former relationship dynamic. “Every guy that she’s dated has been real easy… she needs to be called out on her whorishness… she’s dirty… needs someone who can handle her mood swings.”

Catherine’s mom: “Will it work out? I don’t know. I don’t want my daughter to get hurt. You don’t want to lead her on because we don’t want that. So I think it’s best if you take your womanizing ways and pick the next girl.” Needless to say, Sean didn’t get her blessing even though he thinks “the world” of her daughter.

Next up, Sean goes to visit his army brat’s family in Missouri. This 24 year old possesses all the qualities Sean wants in a wife—ditzy voice, drunkenness, immaturity. She brings out the kid in him, just like Catherine does. Clearly, Sean doesn’t really want to grow up, which doesn’t bode well for his marriage proposal.

Lindsay and Sean bop around her small town and enjoy some cake smashing at a cupcake shop. Lindsay tells Sean to address her dad like “Hey, dude!” Then she makes him drop and give her twenty. “Don’t give me sass boi… kiss me harder… bend me over this bench… about face {smacks his ass}!”

Sean: “Lindsay’s dad is a big deal… like Ron Burgundy!” Good thing you got in a few pushups and crunches. “Part of Lindsay’s dad’s job is making men—with his stern General sperm—and hopefully he sees that I am a man, and not a sissy little girl who wears salmon-colored pants.”

Lindsay looks exactly like her mother, and her brother looks like he takes after her dad and Frankenstein. They tell her parents about Lindsay’s entrance in a wedding dress. Lindsay’s mom thinks it’s hysterical, while her dad thinks he’s about to be demoted. Lindsay’s mom says Lindsay “looks content… she looks at peace.” What is she, a corpse? Are they anticipating a wedding or a funeral?

Sean tells her mom that he’s not ready to commit to love… or anyone… because he’s The Bachelor and none of them commit. Sean is smitten with her mom, and it appears she is about ready to pounce on him. “Who you are is fantastic!” Yep, I’m sure she pinched his tushie on the way out.

Finally, Sean gets to “the talk” with the two-star General. Sean’s “crazy about your daughter”, sir. If someone were crazy about me, I’d ask if they were on medication. Lindsay’s dad ponders giving a blessing. He’s never been asked a “tougher question.” He tells Sean he “has to have the authority to make the decision”, so he gives his blessing but says he’ll take it back if Lindsay says no. Well duh!

Before he leaves, the General gives him dog tags, and everyone wants to hug Sean, including her doofy brother, who eagerly waited in line for a bear hug.

In a totally different world, Sean makes his last stop in L.A. where Dez lives. She greets him with the running approach and leaps into his arms to wrap her legs around him. Barf! Dez tells him she doesn’t want to miss him, but she tells us she wants to make out. After they freshen up from their super sweaty hike, they go back to her house. Someone else besides Sean was planning to make a visit, and Sean is confused, especially when this stranger says he loves Dez. “Whoooooaaaa!” Sean thinks he needs to leave, but I’m like, No, stay! I like Alpha-male Sean. Fight, fight, fight! “Don’t put your hands on me!” No, put your hands on meeeee, Sean! I love how all of America was convinced it was her ex when I’ve known since before the season started that this was a hoax.

Dez can definitely give one—a joke, not a BJ. Then the scary woman from The Blair Witch Project arrives—or at least that’s how I would have pictured her. Dez: “My mom’s so cute.” Really? She kinda freaks me out. Sean and Dez proceed to repeat (not finish) each other’s sentences.

Dez’s brother has words of wisdom. “A lot of guys could make you happy… that’s not what it’s about though… I’m thinking this is not going to work… This is like stupid, almost, like me.” Har har har! Mr. Debonair asks to talk with Sean.

Things get tense because Mr. Know-it-all wants Sean to admit he’s a fraud. Sean is praying for answers to this question, so he starts rambling about giving affection to Dez. Sean: “Does that put your mind at ease?” Doofus: “Aw no, I think you just a playboy… having fun with the circumstances.” Sean: “That’s not me… that’s Chris Harrison.” Dumbo: “No, I’m not buying it.”

Sean wanted to tell Dickwad off, but he didn’t want to make a scene. Then her parents started talking about the weather and how it’s raining Douche-nozzles. Once Sean leaves, Dingleberry admits he called Sean a playboy, which sends Dez off the handle. Dipshit: “He is not the one!” Oh, the number of times I’ve heard that from family members.

Finally, an hour and 37 minutes into the episode, Sean is half naked in his closet. He can picture his life with Lindsay and AssLee, but he’s unsure about Dez and her crazy brother and Catherine, a.k.a. Miss Independent. So he does what any normal guy dating four women would do, he talks to his therapist—Chris Harrison. Sean: “Nope, no clarity this week, Chris! I have no idea who I’m sending home.” Chris: “Are all four women literally on the chopping block?” What is this Survivor now? You gonna snuff their torches, too, Chris?

Sean is afraid he’ll make the wrong choice—like Jason Mesnick. Think of the positive, Sean—at least you can still marry and impregnate your runner-up! Before he hands out any roses, Dez interrupts and asks him to step outside to apologize for her dirtbag brother’s behavior. Meanwhile, Catherine is having a meltdown. “Should I have pulled him aside and offered him a handie?” The sure-things get their roses, but before he gives out the final rose he sets it back down. Even though I knew the ending, it still startled me to think he would ask for another rose… or run away with dong tucked between his legs.

Dr. Harrison returns and offers this advice: “Get this right!” Hahahaha! Don’t eff up, Seanie! Otherwise, you’ll be the laughing-stock of reality TV, right behind Jessie Palmer forgetting that chick’s name. In the end, though, Sean sends Dez home, after having reassured her that his feelings for her have nothing to do with her brother. That’s the best—“It’s not you; it’s your brother.”

Sean tells her that he’s been battling this all day like a cancerous tumor. Dez tells him he’s making a huge mistake—not 99.9%, but 100%. Sean even admits, “It might be.” Although if it makes her the Bachelorette, then I’m sure she’ll get over it. I feel like I’m watching my breakup all over again. “Don’t let me go… it’s not right… I don’t know what I’m going to do about my life… all I want to do is make someone happy… like, that is all I want to do.” As my sister said, “Get some goals, girl!”

Until next week… I hope you all enjoyed Sean’s shower scene on “Sean Tells All” this evening! I know I did!! Queue a cold shower!


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Good on paper… bad in bed?

Posted by emzkbd on July 10, 2012

Yeah sure, it’s a Sex and the City quote, but I think Emily was haunted by this theory in last night’s episode. Now up until last week, I read speculation that Arie would get the boot because of all that “he-dated-a-producer” drama. Then the spoilers spilt, and I found out how the final three really shook out. Let’s take a trip down memory lane, shall we?

Emily and her final three suitors arrived in Curacao—which, by the way, I was waiting all night for someone to mispronounce it. You can tell they all take their time enunciating it properly. The episode begins with Emily reminiscing on the beach about her time with each guy. Man, we’re so close to the most dramatic conclusion where Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” serenades Emily and her fiancée. Mark my words!

Emily says there was love at first sight with Sean, which makes him sound like a contender. He also reiterates he would be a great dad. It seems like he’s more ready to be a father than a husband. Emily says Sean only wants to get married once. Uhhh… doesn’t everyone? “Yes, I can’t wait for husband number three. The first one’s a warm-up, the second one’s practice, but the third one’s the big game.”

Bachelor number two, Jef, is the one who marches to his own drum, according to Emily. He also throws skateboards, molests puppets, and plagiarizes romantic literature. Ok, maybe not that last one, but can you imagine if Ricki was around when he was angry or horny? Objects would be flying, and Barbie dolls would be humping. All this makes Emily laugh, and what’s physical and emotional abuse compared to a sense of humor, super-tight jeans, and a Bieber poof? Right, next contestant…

Arie makes Emily’s panties melt. She says their connection was immediate, but maybe because he was trained that way. Emily also thinks he’s funny, which means Sean is clearly as amusing as a dying old person hooked up to a respirator. She gets choked up talking about their future, saying he would adore her forever, or until forever makes him the next Bachelor.

Before her soul-searching ends, she writes “Emily + ?” in the beach… because etching your troubles in the sand is the way to true clarity.

Emily’s first date is with Sean, who is wearing Toms, which I’ve been advised are shoes worn by men-seeking-men. He’s also sporting some man-cleav. Sean doesn’t know how to say “I love you,” much like my boyfriend. Maybe I should pit him against two other dudes and then he’ll feel the pressure.

Emily and Sean have a snooze-fest on the beach. Sean says his exes were “buddies,” which makes me think they were dogs—literally or figuratively. Emily says Sean’s sister told her that he doesn’t want to get the girl attached, which also leads me to believe he used them as beards. All the long, awkward pauses suggest he might come out on national TV, but instead, he wanted to snorkel. They could have rolled around in the sand, sexing on the beach, but dude wanted to snorkel. Evidently he likes things in his mouth that he can suck and blow.

Sean says no one has measured up to Emily… which means everyone before her had pecs and peens. He also wants to be a soccer dad, and he wrote a dad-to-be letter to a kid he’s never met. Who’s he proposing to here? “Assuming this works out, here’s all the things I want for our daughter Ricki. If it doesn’t, then I really hope this doesn’t haunt me if I date another single mom because then I’m screwed.” Sean, you can stop fooling us. You and your gay lover can hire a surrogate, and all will be right with your world.

Emily offers Sean the fantasy suite card, and he sees this as another opportunity to reinforce his heterosexual cover—hot tub sex machine. Emily wants to stay the night with him, but then her gut is telling her to call it a night. Honey, if I were half-naked with a guy that looked like Sean, my gut would be telling me to ditch the rest of my clothes and find some contraception STAT.

Needless to say, the glass slipper did not fit. Cinderella had to give Prince Charming an early boot because his pumpkin peen did not go from six to midnight.

Next up, Jef says he’s ready to propose, but first Emily tells him they’re taking out a boat for the day. His response: “Ah-MAHZ-ing!” My friend Kait hates the way he says that (no, not in the Penny-from-Happy Endings way). Listen! It’s one of his favorite words.

Jef says his parents really want to meet Emily so they can assess her fertility. He then proceeds to ask A TON of questions about their future and profess that he’s never met two people more compatible. He also made some doofy metaphor about how their relationship was like a masterpiece being painted. Let’s hope their relationship doesn’t end like Titanic then.

Jef, like Sean, is so eager to be a dad. Come on, guys, haven’t you seen Problem Child? She could be the anti-Christ, which is why, rather than share a creepy note, Jef inquires about life with this alien child. Jef also wants to know where she wants to live, and Emily says she’s ready to move on to his family’s 500 acre ranch.

The conversation moves to her previous relationships—namely Sean. “I’ve dated guys who are good on paper, but I’m looking for things that you can’t put on paper, like a sense of humor… makes me smiles and feel confident. Well, I guess you could put those on paper, so how ‘bout he’s not in to dudes. Oh and I was picturing you with me when I was making lunch for Ricki. I already called Ashley Hebert and JP Rosenbaum for a double date, so don’t make any plans post-season.”

Emily offers Jef the fantasy suite card, and he gives it to her straight. “I want to bang you, but not if you’re thinking about your kid, your parents, my family, or anyone else for that matter. Plus, it sounds like we’re getting married, so I can keep it in my pants for awhile longer, a.k.a. ‘bridle these passions’.” Whoa, there boy! Dial it back a notch! She’s still got one more date! And like Sean, she set that horsey free to go back to his individual room and make a hand party.

Arie runs up for his date with Emily like a doofus. Arie, too, can’t wait to propose to Emily… that and kiss the be-Jesus out of her face. Before the face rape, Arie and Emily swim with a dolphin. Because of this intimate moment, Emily realizes Arie isn’t scared of anything… or maybe he’s just not scared of dolphins.

Later, Arie and Emily spend the rest of the date kissing. If their kissing were compared to sex, he would have screwed her mouth fifty shades of Sunday. At dinner, Emily wants to go beyond their chemistry and find out what Arie does on a Tuesday morning.

Arie: “I wake up at 9:00, read my manuscript How to Get the Final Rose on ‘The Bachelorette’ and maybe go to the shop.”

Arie also asks the probing questions: where should we live, what do you want in a father figure for Ricki, etc. But Emily turns the table, wanting to know how he would handle the transition.

Arie: “It’s such a slow progression. First, I want to be Ricki’s friend, earn her trust, maybe buy her some candy. Then it’ll become more. There should never be a rush. It should be easy, fun, and lighthearted, not at all like that Jaycee Dugard case. You should be their buddy.”

Afterward, Emily completely loses her panties. “Arie is so good-looking. I want to touch him.” Rather than offer the fantasy suite card, she doesn’t even mention it. In fact, she smooches him while telling us through her horny tears that she wishes she could marry all these guys because they have a special place in her heart.

Before the rose ceremony, Emily and a puffy-eyed, divorce-pending Chris Harrison have a chat, where she tells him she is falling in love with each of the guys in her own way and she doesn’t want her TV exposure to end. Emily hopes she makes the right choice, but if she doesn’t then she can always pull a Mesnick and pick her runner-up.

Chris leaves her with video messages from each of the guys, which all sound scripted. They all tell her they love her and they’re ready for the next step—blah blah blah. She knows she’s about to blindside Sean—teaching him the lesson of heartbreak—so we see her crying and sobbing like someone just died. Don’t be sad, Emily! He’ll make a young man very happy someday.

When Emily picked Arie, it looked like Sean was as red as the rose. They sat down before he drove off, and Emily couldn’t give him any closure—just tears. Poor guy says he felt stupid and she should know it’s going to hurt him. He also tells her that he’ll miss her more than she’ll know. Anyone else felt like they were watching the end of Practical Magic or The Notebook? I wanted him to drive off, comeback, and live happily ever after, despite his sexual confusion. (He was my pick from the get-go.) Then, all I wanted was one tear, but he barely got misty. This guy is the male version of Emily Maynard during Brad’s season, which is why I think he’d be an excellent Bachelor. He is the “perfect” guy on paper, albeit a little boring, but give him the lead, and I bet we’d see him open up! I promise then I wouldn’t make any more gay jabs, unless he came on to the newly single Chris Harrison.

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Capture the (red) flag!

Posted by emzkbd on March 13, 2012

Surely those red flags didn’t stop Ben from following his Poo Bear peen straight into Courtney’s pot o’ honey. I’ve known all along, and you frankly should have, too. Heck, it’s been obvious the past few seasons because there’s always a frontrunner—J.P. for Ashley, Emily for Brad, and Roberto for Ali. Nevertheless, I like to think I kept it fairly neutral even though Courtney was an easy target.

Now that the season’s over, you probably don’t care too much for these reality stars, unless you’re my friend Kait who follows nearly every single one of them on Twitter, which has prompted me to do the same. Who knew stalking was so easy?

Ben and Courtney will not be doing the media tour so that they can work on their relationship. As the song goes, this year’s love prolly won’t last. At least, I thought those were the lyrics for a show that has yet to turn out a successful couple. Trista doesn’t count because she was a Bachelorette, and Jason married his runner-up—the girl he initially dumped. So here’s hoping for the doofy winemaker and his model girlfriend! Hope you’ve got a big peen and lots of meds to keep her happy. Throw in some wine and you might see a whole different personality that wasn’t caught on camera. “Winning!”

Back to last night, Ben’s still in Switzerland, waking up with the same sassy bedhead and wondering wistfully out windows if he’ll make the right choice. Here to help is his “mama” and twin caveman sister Julia. I swear if you cut her hair or Ben grew his they would look identical.

Right away those red flags are poppin’ more than the booties in a Jay-Z song. Julia is hella concerned that Ben still has a controversial woman left who causes problems with the other girls. Julia’s expression practically spells out “abort mission,” but Ben is too busy rockin’ out to “Big Pimpin’.” He’s dating a model, yo!

First up, Lindzi meets the fam, and before the date gets going, my first thought was, “Damn it feels good to be a gangsta!” Actually it was “Damn, I’d be nervous as hell trying to impress my future in-laws while eating,” and sure enough, Lindzi’s droppin’ things like they’re hot. I thought for sure her wine would end up on Mrs. Flajnik.

The stress was clearly evident on her face… literally. In each scene progressing to their one-on-one date, I located a new pimple. ProActiv should advertise during The Bachelor because dating is stressful as shit. Even Courtney had a bit of a blemish! Then again, maybe Ben’s just a grease monkey.

Back to the date, Julia is bent on taking down those red flags, just like Courtney was bent over the arm of a chair, taking it up the tailpipe. For Lindzi, it’s go time. “I’m more of a people person.” Really, I thought you were more of a horse person? Either way, she made it clear that they’re two very different women, and Julia seems totally convinced that Courtney will not belong. “A model? Pssh, yeah right! Our family doesn’t even know how to do our hair. That girl will never fit in!”

For the next date, Ben appears in a wooly man-sweater, complementing his mom and sister who also arrived in complete Swiss attire. Ben greets Courtney, obviously nervous because she’s carrying some red flags. As soon as she can strike, Julia grills Courtney about her experience on the show, and apparently Courtney’s feminine wiles reach beyond the peen because Julia bought every word. “I’ll never know what truly happened until I watch the show when it airs, but I think you’re a really great actress, worthy of an Academy Award.”

Later with Ben’s mom, Courtney gushes about their relationship, but Mama Flajnik lays down a subtle threat: “He is the best, and I want the best for him.” But Courtney’s on her game and fires back. “I’m pretty confident in the connection that we’ve made.” Translation: Ain’t nothing comin’ between me and my man!

Once the meet and greet’s over, the deliberation begins. Ben’s in love with both women; they’re two amazing girls; things just keep getting harder and harder. Blah blah blah! Lindzi’s great, but we know Courtney’s what you want. Let’s shave off an hour, put Lindzi on a plane, and call it a day! Think of how many roses wouldn’t have had to die!

No can do! ABC intends to draw out the suspense. Ben takes a page from Courtney’s master manipulator manual and tries to convince Lindzi that she still has a shot. Little did she know that the date he planned—skiing, her first time—was designed to have her evac-ed off the mountain on a stretcher. Sorry about your head! Better luck next time! Peace, out!

But Lindzi was smarter! She used Ben as her crutch. If she went down, he was going down, too! If she can’t have him, no one can!! At the resort, there’s a lot of nodding, yesses, and uh huhs, followed by making out to silence the verbal romantic diarrhea.

The next day, Ben called the heli-chopper to wisk him and Courtney away to a secluded spot, obviously the more intimate date. Yes, these two were super cute, cooking ka-bobs over a makeshift stove, making snow angels and sledding down the hill. Compared to skiing, this date clearly says “I want to spend quality time with you. That other girl could have broken her leg, but you’re a model and therefore belong on a pedestal.”

After their date, Ben arrives at Courtney’s humble abode. I knew she’d get him there someday, clothes or no clothes! Although I guess he went to Lindzi’s room, too! Last chance to lay the pipe before he sends her back to Dumpsville—population Lindzi… again!

Courtney must have gotten the stalker portfolio idea from Blakeley, and the producers obliged. How else would she have gotten those pics? “Past, present and future”—if that doesn’t say it all, then clearly you’ve not been paying attention. After all, it was a theme reiterated quite often after their date in Belize and blatantly used in his proposal. Ben didn’t have a theme with any of the other women, except maybe Kacie B.—“What the FUCK happened?”

The next day, Ben and the women take some moments of choreographed self-reflection, and then Ben gets a visit from Neil Lane. The only other thing this show has in its back pocket is a florist, and maybe a helicopter service. Naturally Ben has to pick the biggest rock because as Courtney said in the first episode she wants a two carat diamond. Meanwhile, the bride-to-be is modeling a baby doll in her bedroom window like the exhibitionist she is.

As the women prepare for their last day, you can’t help but think they’re dressing up for a Harry Potter convention. Those capes, those gloves, those ruffles definitely gave off a witchy vibe—only one of which could pull it off.

I’m sure America’s heart sank when Lindzi emerged from the chopper first, but all I kept thinking is her hair looked better on less important days, strapless dresses aren’t her style, and girl sure wasted no time getting in the first word, probably because the last time she was dumped she didn’t get in any. The whole time, it looks like she knows she’s going home without a ring, thinking “Damn, that’s gonna be a long flight!”

When Ben tells her he’s fallen in love with her, she hardly buys it, and what I’m hardly buying is her lack of emotion. She didn’t shed one tear to our knowledge, and her only piece of parting sorrow was “If things don’t work out, call me.” I guess she’s hoping he pulls a Mesnick! But who wants to be sloppy seconds, other than Molly?

The next thought on everyone’s mind is “Will he pull a Womack and not pick either of them? He has to have seen Courtney’s true colors by now, right Nicki?” But alas my fellow Bachelor fans, this season was unlike any other in that the Bachelor picked perhaps the most disliked woman in the show’s history.

Will it last? It seemed like a sweet, sincere proposal, both delivered and received. A romantic moment that even made me a little weepy! Watching the recap during the After the Final Rose (ATFR) it appeared they were both truly moved by the experience and their relationship on the show. Only time will tell, but I think the media scrutiny will get to them. Their true colors will surface behind closed doors, and the red flags will have been a warning unheeded.

Stay tuned for next season’s Titanic disaster, by which I mean guilty pleasure!

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Winning…not so much

Posted by emzkbd on March 6, 2012

From hand-holding to tampon-toting, this group of bachelorettes put on a great show. The anticipation of who Ben eliminates each week was nothing compared to the pee-my-panties excitement of watching Courtney bend over and take it up the tailpipe—an expression she has been known to use, perhaps both figuratively and literally.

It’s down to the final two—Courtney and Lindzi—in what ABC is promoting as the most controversial finale ever, just like all previous rose ceremonies to date. Unless Ben pulls a Womack (dumping both women) or a Mesnisk (picking one, dumping her, then picking the other), I don’t see it being that scandalous… and I know what happens. Either he picks Lindzi, putting all the tabloids to shame and perpetuating a Marlboro fairy tale, where they ride off into the sunset with a pack of Reds; or he picks Courtney, inciting the wrath of every seemingly normal woman in America watching this show.

But before the kitties can scratch, ABC gives us a behind-the-scenes look at how they cast the Bachelor Pad—by seeing who sleeps with the most people at a reunion. Now I consider myself a Bachelor fanatic, but honestly, I didn’t recognize half of these people, but of those I do remember, I can’t say I’m all that impressed.

Reid, you were such a dreamboat! And I thought you had a girlfriend?! Now you like a dilapidated Steve Carrell at the beginning of Crazy Stupid Love.

Kasey, of course you’re ready to show the world that you’re no longer Vienna’s puppet. Time to guard and protect some punani!

Ed—what a doofus! Everyone’s playing him up like he’s got swag, but I’m thinking there’s another word that rhymes with that that’s more suited… HAG! (What did you expect?) He looks like what frat guys grow up to be. At least he had nice things to say about his ex, Jillian.

Then there’s Ali, who’s whored up more TV and magazine spots than any other single contestant, and don’t forget there’s a Jake Pavelka out there! Ali fully intends to rule the BP house like Vienna, but with fewer nip-tucks and less one-man exclusivity. If Frank or Roberto or any of the other single guys show up, there will definitely be some hanky-panky along with a bouquet of drama. “He loves me, he loves me not… well Frank doesn’t love me. He still has a girlfriend, so how ‘bout I make-out with Ty to see if he’s jealous.”

Then there’s Ryan, who seems like such an easygoing guy, but not necessarily the guy you want to get naked with. Maybe just the guy to sell you the most eco-friendly appliances for your home at an affordable price!

Well, those are just the newbies, but I’m hoping to see some of our old favorites rejoin cesspool of reality incest. Hello, Mike Stagliano! Can my beef drapes breakdance on your face?

When the ice cream social commences, Chris “self-medicating” Harrison reminds us of the following: Casey S. has nothing to contribute except her obsession with Ben’s hair, Blakeley is a stripper/hooker/girl-your-boyfriend-cheats-on-you-with-if-he-likes-man-hands, Jamie has never seen let alone touched a peen, and Courtney is a call girl, waiting to be invited in.

Right away, the felines flex their fingernails, targeting Blakeley’s notorious “blessings.” If she had a low cut dress on like most of the other women, I’m sure the cameraman’s raging boner would have been visible from any angle.

Brittney still won’t admit that she looked bad on camera so she blames her lack of a connection with Ben on her departure. Before we get to hear more of her compelling story, the chattering Chihuahua chimes in to the conversation.

First up in the hot seat, Shawntel . Not so strutty now! Elyse can still be heard exclaiming “WHO ISSSSSSSSSS SHE?”

“Oh, she’s the one with the thunder thighs,” says the girl who looks like she was born with countless birth defects. Hatchet-face also contributes her two-cents to the name calling: “I’ll call you a bitch every time you walk into a room and own it, but I won’t call you ugly to your face like Spina bifida over there.”

Question of the day: How is Dr. Emily not the next Bachelorette? I don’t want to watch a weepy widower when I could watch someone rap her way through a rose ceremony. As long as she brings a better push-up bra!

Emily taught us some valuable lessons. 1) All men think first with their peen. In this case, when the ocean was in motion, Ben’s potion was Courtney’s lotion. This means, bring condoms, less mess. 2) Tread lightly when throwing people under the bus, because when you violently shove them toward their demise, you might get pulled under as well. Let them walk into oncoming traffic at their own risk.

One of my favorites parts of the night was when Chris asked Emily “So what happens if he chooses Courtney?” and the camera cuts to Kacie B. gripping Nicki’s hand like they’ve just been told the cancer’s back.

I won’t lie—Nicki in the hot seat almost put me to sleep. Maybe it’s because a woman who’s learned her lesson and knows she didn’t do anything wrong isn’t as exciting as a woman who shouts “What the FUCK happened?” and flies halfway around the world to get closure. But even then, that conversation started to lose me, not because of the mood but because of her sideburn that kept distracting me.

Meanwhile, Courtney is waiting in the wing. All the women are prepared to squash her like the black widow she is. If you’ve watched the show, as I’m sure you have, then I’m sure the things that were said about Courtney’s personality were no surprise. Emily, as the voice of reason, seemingly gave the most accurate and authentic portrayal of the experience, and boy do I love Monica’s sound effects to enhance her storytelling.

You know, the entire show we didn’t hear from the cow ball country chick in the corner. Probably because the Taco Bell dog wouldn’t stop Yo quiero-ing. I just wanted her nasally babble to cease.

Once Courtney makes her appearance, you can see Kacie B. is clearly jealous of how skinny she is. Courtney is calm and composed as she prepares for a beating that not even slave owners would have condoned. Even if you don’t like her, you have to give her props for walking in front of that firing squad.

Maybe she was researching her latest role as a battered woman on a soap opera series; maybe she has a multiple personality disorder and that was her sad face; or maybe she was truly a girl standing in front of a shaggy-haired boy asking him to pick her over all those other bitches and this was her way to prove it. The world may never know!

However, it does seem awfully suspicious that she went wedding dress shopping a few days after the taping. Another way of throwing it back in their faces?

Chris Harrison had to step away to notify a chopper than he may need a med-evac. Apparently, he was sick during filming, but dude keeps it fresh and crisp on air. “My name’s Chris Harrison, and I poop rainbows!” It sounds better when a leprechaun says it.

Courtney proceeds with her monologue, which I’m sure included various excerpts from sociology textbooks and How-To pamphlets on apologizing profusely. And who knew Jenna could compose a logical argument that nearly explains Courtney’s behavior?

Courtney claims she cared for Ben. Her hesitation here makes me wonder if she’s seen his womanizing in the latest reports from UsWeekly. Unless he’s with Lindzi, because finishing second when you expected to win would hurt, too. BTW, I totally wanted the show to incorporate the auto-tune video of Courtney singing “I got the rose.” If you haven’t seen it yet, enjoy it below!

Courtney Robertson’s “I got the rose”

Before we skip off to bed, we’re privy to Ben’s nightmare, and I’m not just talking about the one where he wears that hideous shirt. He claims he didn’t compare the women to each other, just to Courtney and her open-hoo-ha policy.

Smart Emily proceeds to ask the stupidest question of the night: What went wrong? I can’t imagine you bad-mouthing Courtney had anything to do with it. But you thought it was the raps? Looks like Emily’s words of wisdom have vanished because she’s just been whisked back to START.

Later, Nicki and Ben discuss their sexual encounter:

Nicki: “I will back that you are the best man I’ve ever bagged in my life.”

Ben: “My penis had such good feelings about you, too. You were so nurturing in bed… and I liked how I could go really, really deep. I really respected that about you.”

Jamie is still holding out for that feeling, which is probably why she asked Ben to give her another try. Maybe this time with more tongue and less lap dance!

And finally the most surprising confession of the night, Ben admitted to getting naked all the time. So see, it wasn’t Courtney’s fault! It was Ben’s peen that needed the fresh air, followed by a warm, wet place in which to submerge itself.

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Do not feed the alligators…

Posted by emzkbd on February 22, 2012

Unless the gator is Courtney and you’re feeding her the other women.

The hometown dates on The Bachelor kick off with Lindzi in sunny Florida. No wrestling gators just yet! Ben greets Lindzi during her morning gallop.

“Nice ride! How much horsepower does it have? Har har har! You look good on this thing! Do you know reverse cowgirl, too? Yee haw!” Evidently, someone is ready for the overnight dates next week!

Before ya know it, Lindzi is breaking out her whip. It’s always the quiet ones that are freaky! Holy shit balls!

During their one-on-one time, Lindzi tells Ben that “vulnerable” is a big word for her. How about monotonous? Because that’s what I think of this conversation!

Lindzi tells Ben that she’s only ever brought home one guy, and apparently she’s still not over him, judging by how emotional the discussion made her.

From there, it’s over the river and through the woods to meet Lindzi’s parents, whom it seems she knows very little about. You’d swear this chick was adopted!

Ben proceeds to have a cock fight with Lindzi’s dad:

  • “We had our first date in San Francisco!”
  • “We got married in San Francisco!”
  • “Well we still had our first date there, so beat that!”
  • “We got married in City Hall.”
  • “Well, we went there, too! And some dude serenaded us to our first dance, so HAH!”
  • “Listen you little shit, we’ve been married for 40 years. You prolly won’t even see another forty years, ya boozehound.”

And the trash talking didn’t end there! When the chariot race began, Ben let out more expletives than a sailor. That little dog he was holding was clearly offended.

Later on, Lindzi’s mom tells Ben they kept her away from boys by keeping her involved in various activities—from horseback riding to drill team to cheerleading. Uhhhh, wait a sec! Doesn’t cheerleading go hand in hand with, well, handies? “Gimme a B, gimme an E, gimme an N… gimme a D! What’s that spell? BEND me over and hump me out!”

From fallin’ in love with Lindzi to some ball-bustin’ at Buster Boguskie field, Ben visits Kacie. Here, at on her high school football field, Kacie plans to remind Ben that she is the youngest one left. So young in fact, that she probably still fits into all her high school uniforms, but instead, she chose to greet Ben in maternity pants and charge him like a sexually frustrated bull.

Kacie tells Ben intimate details, like her grandparent’s Notebook-esque love story and how she lost her virginity under those bleachers. Since Boozer Ben can’t go anywhere without a bottle of wine, Kacie thinks it’s time to warn Ben that dad doesn’t drink. “We’re in the Bible belt, Ben! My parents haven’t even held hands yet. I was immaculately conceived.”

Ben’s wheels start turning. “We’re pretty different people; I don’t know how much we’ll have in common.” Well, there you have it folks? Ben was conceived the old-fashioned way—the pull-out method.

Ben doesn’t want to kiss Kacie in front of her parents, and she calls it a “respect thing.” But really, Ben doesn’t want to get shot in the face, so he nods his head in agreement. “Just be yourself,” she says. What she means is do a little streaking, make out with her mom, and hold a rose ceremony after dinner, where you send the prudest person home, which could be a toss-up.

I must say, this family utterly astounds me. Kacie’s dad looks 10 years old than her mom, who looks like a closet rug-muncher. Their traditional beliefs and overbearing behavior make it no wonder why their daughters have eating disorders. That and Kacie’s sister looks like she had a botched plastic surgery.

When Ben sits down with Kacie’s old man, he asks, “What made you keep Kacie this long?” To which Ben responds, “Well, sir, I have a thing for women with the bodies of 10 year old boys. I have very strong feelings for your daughter, but you should know that I’ve been putting my peen in three other punanis.”

Next up is Kacie’s mom: “We didn’t have a lot of babysitters because otherwise I would have had a lesbian Mary Kay Letourneau moment. However, I do watch the show a lot, mostly for the bikini scenes, and I want you to know that I’m not okay with Kacie and you moving in together when you fake propose. I would prefer she find a nice young lady to room with and experiment because once the Boguskie women get married they’re in it until they die.”

Back to Kacie’s dad who’s checking in with Kacie:

“Y’all need to listen to your mother. Get your own place; hold hands; play twister.”

“But daddy, I want to play twister in his bedroom, in the dark, without any clothes on.”

“Now you listen here young lady, if he asks my permission to marry you, I would say heck no y’all.”

“This is so frustrating, like that time you found me testing with my gag reflex. I haven’t rushed anything, daddy, but now I want to spin the wheel and place my left hand on Ben’s blue balls.”

She says that because at this point, Ben realizes that Kacie is wearing a chastity belt that not even ABC can negotiate her out of. I guess her closed-mouth kisses aren’t the only thing on lockdown.

From Tennessee, Ben makes his way to Texas, where Nicki is already squealing like a pig ready for slaughter. Now unlike Lindzi, the last guy Nicki brought home, she married. “Finding the right boot is like finding the right partner in life. You’ve got to find just the right fit.” Talk about a metaphor for sex; I assume then that she’s tried on a lot of boots.

Nicki is ready roast the other women:

“I hope you don’t think I’m beating a dead horse because I only do that when the horse deserves a beating. Lindzi showed me how to whip it good.”

“Ben, you’re very interested to know details, like what design Courtney shaves into her pubic hair.”

“[My parents] saw me go through a really hard time, not like Kacie’s, though, who drove her to bulimia and then punished her with celibacy.”

Nicki says she couldn’t marry someone her parents didn’t approve of, which is probably a small percentage of the population since she already picked a winner the first time. But no worries, Ben! This one’s a sure thing if you propose!

Back at her house, Nicki and her father have a heart to heart. He feels guilty that he let his daughter’s marriage fail. If only it were that easy to blame our parents for our failed relationships, or have the Kardashians already done that?

At dinner, Nicki’s dad gives a toast: “Nicki, you’re just glowing. He didn’t knock you up, did he? That’s how we got in this mess the last time.” I personally love the cutaway of Nicki’s mom snickering at her ex-husband’s speech. I was hoping she’d tell him to sit down and shut up. No one wants to see an amicable family unit; we want to see the bat-shit-crazy clan.

“Ben, can I take you upstairs for a quickie? Don’t worry! Like I said, my parents aren’t like Kacie’s.” She proceeds to tell him that she doesn’t want anything else. “I want you and me [and] San Francisco. Or maybe I just want San Francisco. I don’t know! I haven’t been single very long.”

Ben: “I looked over at Nicki and thought ‘I love this girl.’” <—Commitment-phobe!

The final stop is Arizona. Courtney actually admitted to treating the girls badly and that she’s not proud of everything she’s done, except the skinny-dipping—that was her shining moment.” Courtney says her dad calls their house the “casa de niñas,” which, I won’t lie, is a little creepy. What is this—some kind of sex-trafficking operation in Scottsdale?

It’s here Ben basically tells us all the reason why Courtney’s could win: she’s always stood out, their last date was a monumental day, and he can see their past, present and future. Of course, that doesn’t necessarily mean she’ll be the one with the final rose: “It would bother me if I ended up with someone who rubbed people the wrong way.” Like, she doesn’t give as good handies as Lindzi, or she’s a conniving bitch?

The last guy Courtney brought home was probably an Abercrombie model whose vocabulary was limited to “cool” and “far out,” so it’s no wonder the clone from which Courtney was created thinks Ben is a tad odd. Mama Courtney warns Ben that she has the final seal of approval, which in this family, I’m sure she has to sunbathe in the nude with him first to know if it’s the real deal.

As conversations pair off, Courtney and her sister escape for some chit chat; Courtney and girl talk must be as rare as capturing shark sex on camera. Meanwhile, Courtney’s dad and Ben discuss how marriage is a gamble, and Courtney’s dad isn’t betting on her. However, he does want grand-babies, which again would be as foreign to Courtney as a bad hair day. Then Courtney sits down with her mom: “You look so pretty, mom. Your plastic surgeon did marvelous work, which reminds me that I need my lips plumped before Switzerland. Gotta have perfect blow job lips!”

Before family time is over, Courtney’s sister calls Ben a straight shooter, but I’m sure Courtney would beg to differ. I bet his peen was bobbing all over the place in the Caribbean.

From there, totally out of chronological order, Courtney tells Ben she has a big surprise for him, and it’s not a threesome with other models! She’s planned a shotgun wedding. Why else would she wear a white dress?

Screw the rose ceremony and the other women! Ben is ready to shit his pants. Courtney fixes her hair twenty times, primping for her nuptials. They write their vows and walk down the aisle, where no guests are waiting. Of course, this would be like Courtney’s real wedding because no one likes her enough to attend.

Ben is asked to read his vows, and he says all the nice things you can say to a person without giving them the wrong idea. “Is this too good to be true?” Yep, wait until your first fight when she shaves off your eyebrow. “I love how make me feel when I’m in your presence… you’re real and honest.” Yep, real honest! “Thank you for believing in me because I’m about to find out that while I was believing in you the rest of the world was hating you.”

Courtney: “Aw, that’s so good. You just did that right just then.” (Actual quotation!)

Ben: “Uh yeah, you made me!”

Literary genius: “Gee shucks, I copied mine from all my favorite songs and movies.”

Priest: “If this were a real wedding, America would be flippin’ pissed.”

Now that that’s done and over with, Ben returns to L.A. and sits down for confession with Father Chris.

Ben: “Well, Lindzi’s parents showed me there erection interaction.” Enunciation, Ben! Otherwise, we’ll need clarification.

Ben: “[Kacie] is definitely one of the most kind and gentle women I’ve ever met, which will make deflowering her on an overnight date more awkward than Ed not being able to get it up for Jillian.”

Chris: “The end of the night, Nicki pulls you upstairs. Tell me about that!” Ben: “Well, Chris, what can I say? She sure knows how to Texas Hold’em.”

Chris: “[Courtney] had a bit of a surprise for ya. Tell me about that!” Ben: “You know Courtney! Next thing you’ll know she’ll have me bound, gagged and awaiting a gang bang.”

And then at the rose ceremony…

Ben: “My heart is beating out of chest, like my peen springing out of my pants every time I see Courtney, so I’ll give her the first rose. Lindzi can have the second one since I hear she gives good handies.”

Chris: “Ladies, if you hadn’t already guessed, this is the final rose. Whoever Ben picks may get sloppy seconds or thirds on the overnight dates.”

Ben: “Well, then I’ll have to give it to Nicki. I don’t want to call a locksmith in Switzerland when I pull down Kacie’s pants to reveal a full-on metal girdle.”

Kacie needs a moment to purge her feelings… and her last meal. When she’s finished, she climbs into the limo for the most emotional orgasm I’ve ever seen.

“Why does it have to hurt so bad?” Well, look at it this way. If you had to follow Courtney on the overnight dates, you might have ended up with the clap, and I’m sure that doesn’t feel too good either.

“I thought I knew what he was looking for, but I guess I was completely wrong.” Yep, he obviously has a raging boner for Courtney.

“I had no clue this was coming… I’m so upset.” I think your parents did. They slipped Ben a fifty.

“What does he want?” More skinny-dipping, threesomes, and some handies from Jennifer Love Hewitt.

“It’s not me… I thought it was me… I’m so stupid.” Here’s a new spin on “It’s not you, It’s me.” Stupid is as stupid does.

“Why am I not good enough? I don’t get it.” I thought we went over this. Because you can’t tempt Ben’s python from his pants like Courtney can.

“This is why I don’t love.” I thought it was because your parents wouldn’t let you?

“I LOVED him, and I don’t know what to do now.” There’s always Bachelor Pad 3!

“How did this happen?” Well, you signed up for a show called The Bachelor… and unless you’re Jason Mesnick, you can’t pick everyone.

“What the fuck happened? What the FUCK happened?” Yep, been there, done that.

Tune in next week for some hot sex in Switz.

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The Nearly Naked Game

Posted by emzkbd on September 6, 2011

Before I jump into bed with last night’s episode, I just thought I’d share (again) that today it was (officially) announced that Ben is
the next Bachelor. I can hear my friend Kait squealing with anticipation and my sister welling up like Monsoon Melissa (because she didn’t audition). Either way, it should make for an excellent season. Bitches be crazy when they’re vying for one man!

On to last night… Chris Harrison waltzes in from the rose ceremony like he’s speaking to a first grade class. “This ain’t kindergarten kids. Cliques are bound to happen. If you want to graduate with a smidge of honors, you make friends with the smart kid. If you want to get laid, pair up with the dumb blonde. And if you want to win $250,000, sacrifice your dignity, come up with a sob story, and be prepared to make out with someone you know absolutely nothing about… or your ex.”

What Chris really tells them is that they have to find a partner. No, Blake, not for sex-ed class. This one’s eyeing Holly like a new
toothbrush. But there’s a lot of plaque build-up, namely Ericka. She gets stuck in your teeth, or in this case, stuck with Blake. Ericka makes it clear that she’s a better partner than Holly, although the comparisons she made seemed almost ironic.

Once it’s clear that the only ones who need to pair up are Blake and Ericka, the couples decide it’s in their best interest to get to know each other, like Miss Honey said. However Kasey and Vienna “go to bed” because they are confident in their connection. The next morning, Kasey shows us what they were really up to when he sniffs his fingers for the camera. Mmm, smells like sausage!

Turns out, they’re playing the “Nearly-wed Game.” Har har har, Chris Harrison, you could almost pass as a game show host if you weren’t such a smurf munchin’ on your smurfberries!

A few highlights from this game:

  • Kasey + Vienna = FAIL. (So much for “early to bed, early to rise,” unless that’s Kasey’s penis’s motto.
  • Michelle doesn’t have a sense of humor?! Puh-lease, she was the source of entertainment on Brad Blow-mack’s season.
  • Holly didn’t sleep with Michael for 32 dates… more like 32 seconds.
  • Kasey thinks Vienna’s exes miss her teeth most. I bet Blake’s exes miss his teeth, when compared to his winning personality.
  • Graham lost his virginity at age 7. But wait, it was all strategy, and brilliantly played might I add. Michael as the biggest cheat? Sure, almost as believable as Holly’s 32 date rule.
  • And Blake is reaching Jason Mesnick’s most hated Bachelor (contestant) status! Blake knows he’s “dead in the water.” Well, maybe Monsoon Melissa will blow in and rescue you. At least Blake takes responsibility for his actions. He says he’s made his bed and he will lie in it, but we all know he’s hoping Holly will curl on up in it.
  • The winners: Graham and Michelle, who else? Their answers didn’t make sense, but it earned them their roses and a private screening of What’s Your Number? Well, we know it’s not seven.

Pre-date, everyone is sitting around when they hear what appears to be a helicopter approaching… but really, it was the sound of Vienna’s beef drapes flapping in the wind, which we’ll come back to. First, Graham and Michelle are whisked away, by helicopter, and enjoy their movie while splashing around in a pool.

This new movie, starring Chris Evans and Anna Faris, is definitely going to be a predictable rom-com. While they’re watching it, we can hear Michelle’s thoughts: “I’m so glad we’re watching this because it’s like my life, and Graham can be my less hot version of Chris Evans, and we’ll live happily ever after with our $250,000, my daughter, and all the charities we can
create to keep us in the spotlight.”

I’m sure Graham feels much the same. If you still have the show on your DVR, when Graham says “we were practically half naked,” I swear it looks like he has a boner. If his charity doesn’t raise money, I’m sure that image will.

Back at the house, Kasey vs. Vienna (round three hundred fifty-two) is commencing. Kirk’s impression is priceless – the “most in love bachelor couple in history” is fighting (again). Apparently, Kasey ripped the promise ring off Vienna’s finger because she promised she would always have sex with him except this one time… or something like that. Kasey – wife-beater in training!

I’m sorry, but this seems like a ploy for more camera time. Vienna withholds sex? Yeah right, and I’m still a virgin. However, if this were true (…the part about Vienna), it makes Jake’s outburst more understandable and his side of the story more plausible. And how does cuddling create such an intense argument? In my world, cuddling makes everything better. Then again, it almost always
leads to sex, too. Touché Vienna!

Later on, we’re prepping for god-knows-what’s-gonna-go-down on Blake and Ericka’s date. Most likely Ericka, if she gets her way! This chick’s ready to hand out a blow-jay and she doesn’t care who in America knows it. Before they’re date, Ericka takes a hint from Chris Harrison and decides to scold Blake for his man-whoring ways. Unfortunately, this goes in one ear and
out the other once Holly waddles into the kitchen in her teeny bikini to distract Blake from his impending date at the temple of doom, a.k.a Ericka’s vagina. Such a tease—girl doesn’t want her man porking a platypus.

But Ericka is determined to succeed on her mission to get into a sexy position, specifically the missionary one; although that seems a little PG if I must say so myself. Go figure, the hotel is called the “Mission Inn,” which totally looks like the haunted house Ericka went to earlier in the season. The hotel is completely deserted, which also suggests it’s inhabited by spirits, something Ericka knows a thing or two about. She says she communicates with her dead friends, probably as often as she talks to plastic surgeons… or her astrologer named Herb. Wonder if he knows Brad’s therapist?

Meanwhile, I’m going to skip over the Michael/Holly merry-go-round. It’s about time we got off this ride! Michael’s constant need
to win her over—“I have fallen in love with you… I wanna kiss you every time I see you”—needs to stop because it’s clear she wants to boink Blake. I also can’t stand Holly’s whining that Michael broke her heart, when it was HER that gave back the ring FIRST. She deserves Blake the Snake, two slithering slime-balls in a peapod.

Back at the “mission for position” palace, Ericka brings out the big guns… and I don’t mean her liquid-filled lips. Apparently she’s over the fact that he’s the WORST partner and on to the fact that he’s a potential (sexual) partner. But Blake is a little stressed out, a.k.a. he won’t be able to get it up when Ericka’s sucker-fish pucker come to swallow his snake.

Ericka continues to plead her case, saying they’re not unprotected, a.k.a. Blake can wear a condom to protect him from the swarm of diseases infecting her other surgically enhanced lips.  But Blake should have been a lawyer because his argument totally made sense: If he told the guys that he brought condoms and was so persistent, it would probably make most women uncomfortable, but not Ericka! She wished he brought those condoms. Hell, she brought her racy lingerie and her horny alter-ego. This chick was ready to get down and dirty with her dentist dessert. Hey Blake, just add a little Novocain and you won’t
feel a thing!

At this point, the date began to cross the line. Ericka practically demanded sex, and I half expected her to rip off her clothes like
Demi Moore in Striptease. She was not going to let Blake leave. Blake’s narration during this showdown suggested he was crying, probably because he feared being the first man raped on national TV. Yep, they definitely had their differences during dinner. Ericka wanted to do the horizontal tango, and Blake wanted to be vertically ejected from his seat.

Anyway, Ericka and Blake get roses to save a couple, not themselves. Once they tell everyone, Kasey and Vienna go from hating on Ericka to practically begging for her roses. You’d think two of the biggest connivers would have smelled rats, or at least Kasey lying through his bad breath.  Maybe Kasey and Vienna promised Ericka a threesome, and Blake could watch, since he’s obviously moved on to the righteous path of not hooking up with notorious blondes.

So Vienna and Kasey got those roses. Such a shame because if Blake and Ericka had saved the “deserving” couple it might not have been them going home. And what’s with Vienna and her “I gotta rose” routine? Is she auditioning for mime school?

And then it’s time… Chris Harrison, such a smarmy little leprechaun, clinking his glass to announce deliberations for the rose ceremony, wishing he could find his pot o’ gold and dream of rainbows and butterflies and Kasey and Vienna’s compromise (to snuggle or not to snuggle, that is the question).

Inevitably, it comes down to the good (Kirk and Ella) vs. whores (Blake and Ericka), and Holly is the deciding vote. Was she really
crying and writing a letter in the bathroom? “Dear Diary, I’m confused… Michael was my first love, but Blake makes my vagina tingle. What to do, what to do?”

As it turned out, it was for Blakey-wakey, who she sent packing. First sign of betrayal, Blake. Look out! This doesn’t bode well for you two. Next thing you know you’ll be at the grocery store arm wrestling over the choice between Cheerios or Cocoa Puffs. If you pick wrong, Blake, you’re going home alone with some lotion and a box of tissues. Or you could always call Ericka for a good time! Decisions,decisions…

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