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Archive for August, 2012

How about another COCKamamie challenge?

Posted by emzkbd on August 29, 2012

Finale spoilers are out, but no, I won’t spoil it, athough I will say that it sounds like it will be the most gory Bachelor Pad—even Bachelor franchise—finale we’ve seen in awhile. Stay tuned for that on September 10!

On to Monday night’s episode, we begin with the Widow Rachel bawling her eyes out because the love of her fifteen-minutes-of-fame has been sent home. Jaclyn, a.k.a. Hatchet Face, tries to comfort her; although in that moment, I’m sure no one wants to look at that face.

Chris Harrison comes back into the mansion after the rose ceremony to tell everyone they’ll be competing as couples—which means Rachel has to pair up with Nick, “who hasn’t spoken this entire season time.”

Chris and Sarah are gloating because they survived, while Ed and his posse are reeling that those two are still there.

The next morning the crew is greeted by a big yellow school bus. Blakeley may want to consider taking the shortbus. “Well, the school bus will probably take us to a school. Perfect—not my strong suit!” Buses or schools or academia in general?

Principal Harrison meets them at a performing arts center, where the remaining contestants will compete in the First Annual Bachelor Pad Spelling Bee. Does that mean they plan on doing this challenge again? If so, I don’t think the shortbus will hold everyone.

Principal Harrison explains how a spelling bee works. Come on, I’m sure even mentally handicapped children know what it entails; although in this version, the couples have to alternate letters while spelling.

Once the guest judges arrive from Hogwarts, the contestants begin spelling a round of simple four letter words. At least they all passed the first grade. Kalon does his best Sherminator (from American Pie) impression: “It may be summer, but school’s in session. And Kalon and Linzdi have this in the bag.” Should have said backpack, dude! Would have been way cooler!

The brightest bulb in the bunch—Sarah—calls everyone an idiot, and I’d say that was a good assessment. “A” for effort!

Hatchet Face: “Literally, the little bell ringer—Harry Potter—was disgusted with us… I will put you on that bus and send you off to a faraway place where mommy and daddy won’t know where you are.” You mean, Hogwarts is real?!

The competition comes down to Ed & Jaclyn and Chris & Sarah. Chris knows “philanderer” by heart, while Ed and Hatchet Face struggle with “boutonniere” (yes, I had to spell check that one) and “flabbergasted” (which I can understand wanting to use an “H” because that’s how you spell “aghast”, as in “I am aghast when I look at Jaclyn’s face”).

Everyone was rooting for Ed and Hatchet Face. The spelling bee continues through 14 rounds because no one knows how to spell anything. Ed and Hatchet Face get to spell “cockamamie”, and they have no trouble with the cock part.

Kalon: “Ed’s been fucking Jaclyn this whole time, but now he’s fucking us.”

Chris and Sarah win it on “serendipity”, and it is quite fitting because that was an easy word. Those lucky bastards! Blakeley begins to have hot flashes. Principal Harrison tells Chris and Sarah—who now think they’re the smartest people in the world—that they won roses and an overnight date, which starts immediately. Ed and Hatchet Face also get an overnight date because producers want to encourage as much sex as possible.

On National Chris and Sarah day—or as I like to call it “When pigs think they can fly” day—they land near Blakeley and Tony’s campsite where they board a toy train. Sarah hopes it’ll take them somewhere “very, very cool” because she feels like a Babe in Toyland. Miraculously they somehow managed to wear their bathing suits to the challenge so they could romantically jump into a lake while a cover of a Coldplay melody plays in the background. You know the one!

Chris is debating if he wants to take their relationship to the next level. Liiiiiike butt sex? I’m not really sure where else you can go from where you’ve been, Chris.

At the mansion, Rachel is attacking her face with a makeup brush. Jab, jab, jab! Hatchet Face says Rachel’s a stage seven earthquake who’s about to crumble leave because she doesn’t want to play the game without Michael. She also tells some of the guys that her original alliance was with Rachel and Blakeley. Hold the phone! That first night, weren’t Hatchet Face and Rachel trash-talking Blakeley behind her back—making fun of her glittery skirt and her ability to make an asshole fuzz free?

Once Rachel has attempted to conceal her dark circles, she and Nick have a heart-to-heart. I’m surprised he didn’t grope her and slip his tongue in her throat like he did when he consoled Donna on her last night in the mansion. Rachel just doesn’t feel like Nick’s tiny peen is worth the money.

Next thing you know it’s nightfall, and Chris and Sarah are dining in a barn—one more place for her to check off her “Sex in Alternative Places” list. Chris can’t wait to talk about Emily, but he’s quick to correct Sarah that he DID have another relationship—his sophomore year of high school. Code for playa!

Chris: “I think great things come unexpectedly, and I can honestly say that you came unexpectedly. Now I’m going to cum unexpectedly… on your face.”

Sarah: “There’re so many different sides to Chris that people don’t get to see, but that’s okay because I’m getting to see them… like his hairy backside.”

In another dark part of California, Hatchet Face and Blakeley are reassuring Debbie Downer, who still wants to go home.

Hatchet Face: “If you’re ever feeling lonely, just come to us… ABC can film it and air it on Skinemax like Big Brother, which airs after dark on Showtime.”

The girls strategize to send home Kalon and Lindzi because Lindzi hasn’t invested that much in the game, only in Kalon’s peen. Crisis averted—Rachel agrees to stay so she can win and take Michael and his new girlfriend on a vacation. Blakeley, on the other hand, wants to get cable… to watch Skinemax. At least that explains the hilarious skit at the end where Ed (as Tony) is doggie-styling Sarah (as Blakeley). Hatchet Face tells her she also can quit waxing assholes.

Back on the date, Sarah tells Chris that they have something so unique, different and special than everyone else in the house. I call that a venereal disease, although at this point I’m sure Ed and Hatchet Face share that, too.

Chris says Sarah is the kind of person who lives life to the fullest by banging every single guy she can in as many places as possible. Chris is also trying to pull one over on Sarah AND on the rest of America by telling us that he might have a future with her. Now I don’t know if they’re still together, but I would bet money that he’s moved on to banging other former contestants.

The next day Ed and Hatchet Face get to “castaway” and talk about their feelings. Sarah: “What’s castaway?” Clearly, Sarah is not Tom Hanks fan, but she sure does feel bad for Hatchet Face. Blakeley says, “Jaclyn should have kneed Ed in the ‘you-know-what’.” From donkey-punch to the throat to traumatizing a penis, Blakeley sure does know her self-defense mechanisms.

Ed and Hatchet Face depart in a tiny plane, and during her plane ride Hatchet Face admits to letting out a little “OHHH”, which sounds more pleasurable than terrified. They touchdown in the most god-forsaken land ever, and the plane leaves them to their awkward conversation.

Ed admits he’s been pursuing someone back home for awhile. They broke up because he is an inevitable cheater who knew his peen would be getting some exercise on Bachelor Pad. Hatchet Face says she didn’t know about this other girl, but since Ed told Sarah he thought it would get around like she does. What a doozy, huh Jaclyn? She’s always the girl getting effed in the end… or in the beginning, depending on how you look at it.

At the mansion, Tony is falling for Blakeley. He sets the mood, although I’m sure he could have done a lot less to get into her panties. He begins to reveal his stalker tendencies: “She’s the first thing I think about when I wake up and make hand party, and the last thing I think about when I go to bed with the lotion and Kleenex… You have very pretty eyes that I want to preserve in wax…  I won’t hurt you unless you misbehave.”

Blakeley says she needs a strong (hairy) lumber man she can wax and she hopes their short-term relationship lasts outside the show. Well, it sounds like you both have wax in common. That’s a start!

Ed and Hatchet Face head to dinner. Apparently she thinks they’re having a slutty wedding because she’s wearing a oh-so-short doily. More awkward conversation ensues.

Ed: “Is this a Facebook status thing? Because if so, then it’s definitely complicated.”

Hatchet Face: “You’re making me feel like an insignificant piece of shit. I don’t want to look like a whore.” Too late!

Ed: “Ok, I don’t want to look like an asshole. Let’s put a definition around this. Should we check Facebook first? By the way, we have amazing sex chemistry. I still want to continue being close to you… with my peen. Sleeping in the same bed as you is very comforting and it makes my peen very happy. Let’s make out!”

Hatchet Face: “Why is he acting like such a douche?! We have bonded in more ways than one… in more positions than Sarah can count. Why not just keep going with the flow? It is what it is—a dirty, nasty hookup.” Been there, done that!

Another morning after… Ed and Hatchet Face return with roses to save another couple. Hatchet Face wants people to plead their case, even though they’ve already made up their minds. Blakeley immediately lays on the kiss-ass. She pledges allegiance to the Ed and Hatchet Face and their United States of Bullshit.

When it’s Lindzi and Kalon’s turn, Lindzi admits that she’s only friends with Hatchet Face on a surface level. Have you seen her surface level lately? Goo! Then Lindzi gets kinky and offers to be their bitch. In the end though, Blakeley and Tony get the roses.

Kalon: “Just because we’re not emotional alcoholics running around crying about our feelings, doesn’t mean we can’t win.” I’m thinking he should have re-thought his strategy.

Meanwhile, Nick isn’t worried in the least, as he stuffs his face with… what exactly? Since when do they get catered food? Rachel, too, looks like she’s been stress-eating—either that or she bought her dresses two sizes too small.

Kalon calls Lindzi an “absolute priority.” He sits her down and tells her how’s it’s going to go. Kalon: “We don’t have any blood on our hands, so let’s act like the bitches we are.”

Kalon lays it on thick with Blakeley and Tony: “Hey, power couple… I hope you maintain the integrity of your vote.” Sly smile, wink, thumbs up! They eat it up. Tony: “Kalon’s my boy!” What’s with him and Chris? Why weren’t they saying this when Kalon was referring to Ricki as “baggage”?

Nick corners Blakeley and Tony, and clearly he is not as eloquent as Kalon. “Ugh, err, umm, I’ve had your backs this entire time. Kalon’s a snake in the grass.” He starts digging a hole, and Rachel calls him a lunatic.

Tony:  “Nick kinda shot from the mouth when he shouldn’t have… and if Ed were around I’m sure he would have shot right back. It would have been a cock fight for sure.” Kalon can be heard cackling in the courtyard. “With these idiots, the power of suggestion is a lovely, lovely thing.”

Lo and behold, Blakeley and Tony get all buddy-buddy with Chris and Sarah. These four are talking like old friends who haven’t seen each other naked yet. Tony: “Nick should be lucky to BE in his position. I wonder if he can even spell ‘serendipity’. Rachel is vulnerable and probably an easy lay like Sarah… or Jaclyn. Take your pick.”

Meanwhile, Rachel is having another meltdown, so someone breaks the rules and lets her call Michael, who is like “Why are you calling me? I have concert dates to schedule and crappy Gavin Degraw-like songs to write.”

Nick: “She’s talking to Michael. {eye roll} Why would you do that? It’s STUPID.” {Smacks forehead}

In the kitchen, Nick demonstrates what he’d like to do to Rachel by smashing a rose on the countertop. After everyone votes, Kalon and Lindzi are sent home. Lindzi: “Bye friends… thanks for sending us home!” But Kalon wants to keep the nooky alive by hopping in her limo.

They’re falling in love (aww). Will they survive? Only in Bachelor fantasyland…

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Love don’t come easy, but your peen sure does

Posted by emzkbd on August 21, 2012

Well, well, well, if it isn’t Blakeley’s Pad. (Maybe I should have re-thought that opening!)

After last week’s Blakeley versus Jamie Who-Gives-Better-Head Showdown, we’re left with the inner musings of a donkey-punching horse face.  That would be Blakeley, who feels like she won the lottery and could use the money for a breast reduction so that her ginormous ta-tas don’t distract from her winning personality. She compares her shady partner Chris to the shit on the bottom of her shoe. Wait, she stepped in shit?

Cut to Chris, climbing into his bunk bed, sighing “Woe is me… Blakeley has taken over my life… now I’ll never get laid again.” Blah blah blah… I’d really love to see one of those bunk beds implode and crash to the floor, preferably with Chris nestled inside. Then they’d have so much room for activities in there!

Sarah appears and wants to make hand party with Chris. His response: “TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF… you might have stepped in the same shit as Blakeley. Oh wait, I’m the shit!”

The remaining contestants stay up late gabbing like schoolgirls at a slumber party. They’re all in agreement that Chris should just pack his bags, take the next flight home, and schedule a VD test. Meanwhile, Chris is trying to find the rat… not the one hiding out in their kitchen.

Kalon’s a liar? So what! Man-child Chris can’t handle the truth. He thinks he and Kalon were in it together, but Kalon admitted to voting for Jamie. At that, Chris wants to slap Kalon in the face and Sarah on the ass.

Coincidentally, Sarah finds a rose in Chris’s sheets and feels like she’s back on The Bachelor all over again. “Chris is so sweet. He removed all the petals from this rose and hid it under his pillow for me to find. Nevermind! That Jamie bitch probably stashed it here as a death threat.” To which Kalon replies, “That’s how he got Emily.” Yeah, that and “I TOLD YOU I LOVED YOU. I thought that was the universal phrase for panty dropping.”

From the bed to the couch (yeah, that’s how she rolls), Sarah follows Chris like a lap dog. Chris confronts Ed, and Ed defends Hatchet Face. Sarah: “Ed? How can you only trust Jaclyn? We had sex. I thought that meant something.” Now I’m starting to see the chemistry between Sarah and Chris.

The Grown-Ass Man and Ed bicker about their votes. Ed apologizes, says the game is stupid, and is handed a wine glass and told to smash it to bits for no apparent reason other than Chris is a whiny baby. As my friend Kait said, I just want to give him a pacifier, and as Hatchet Face said, “He wants to have a good time with nipples in his mouth.” Same diff!

For this week’s challenge—the Great Fall of China, har har har—the contestants have to stack and carry dishware. Blakeley is soooo glad she worked at Boobs & Wings Hooters for thirty-five thirteen years, but Ericka Rose is jealous because she feels like she has yet to find a challenge that caters to her strengths. Like shopping … or botox!

Needless to say, these ladies weren’t sugar plum fairies, and it takes forever. I could have finished a cup of tea before they finished the challenge. And just when Chris thinks Sarah has it in the sink, she gets a little handsy and touches her cups. Chris is turned on until Blakeley wins.

During commercial, Chris Harrison asked if I was the perfect match for the next Bachelor? I looked down at my vagina, thought it looked a little too clean, and decided it could use some corruption. I’ll be sending my application and lacy panties shortly.

Next up are the guys, who appear more poised and concentrated. Reigning champ Blakeley coaches Tony, which causes Chris to say Blakeley is over-the-top and can’t keep her mouth shut. Like when she had your penis in it? I bet that was a good time.

In the end though, Blakeley’s big mouth helped Tony win, and to show his gratitude Tony pledges to be the best long-term partner he can be to Blakeley. Wow, this guy is wasting no time finding a new mommy for his kid. Rumor has it that he might propose at the BP finale taping this weekend. I wonder if the producers will stage it like they did with Holly and Blake last season.

Later, Chris Harrison returns to confirm Blakeley will take Tony on her date. Since this is a repeat of last week’s scenario, Blakeley gets to hand out a rose to another guy—Kalon. She also gets to choose between two dates—a romantic evening or the overnight date. Since her vagina felt left out with Chris and his many concubines, she hopes to get lucky (and spoiled) on the overnight date, which means Kalon gets a romantic evening with a pretty woman—Lindzi. They get the basic Bentley and diamonds date! Nothing too flashy! Pffft…

Blakeley is trying to contain her jealousy, but she’s optimistic. “If they get Bentley and diamonds, I can’t imagine what we get!” I’m guessing this is a “Less is more” lesson to be learned.

Since Kalon always has a driver/pilot/babysitter, he gets lost on his way to their date—a dinner on a secluded bridge with a chandelier that looks like it could fall at any second. Before their meal, Kalon launches into a romantic dialogue, during which Lindzi acknowledges his sentiments with a tardy laugh.

Back at the mansion, Chris plans to drink until he passes out. He went from King of the Castle to the manure man, so he starts conspiring to send Lindzi home because she’s trapped in Kalon’s spell. Clearly, because she’s spread eagle on the Bentley!

The next day, Tony plants to put his peen the moves on Blakeley, who is stressin’ about the date. Ed tells her to relax… because no one cares. Chris thinks their date will be awkward because Blakeley is so overpowering. Yeah, I totally saw her holding you down, Chris, and sticking her tongue down your throat, you man whore!

After all the build-up of what it could be, Blakeley steps outside to find a map, a jeep…  and a date with a lumber salesman, a.k.a. Mr. Pathetic, a.k.a. Tony. In a matter of seconds, so fast it’ll make your head spin, Blakeley can’t decide if she wants to let her hair down (wink, wink) or put it in pigtails. Either way, I think Tony’s dick will end up in her mouth trough. Queue Chris: “Blakeley, why the long face?”

On the other hand, Ericka Rose thinks this is the perfect date for someone trashy like Blakeley. She’s got masculine tattoos, and she used to work at Hooters. Forget about the pigtails, fake tits, and nearly nude pics… Ericka is obviously spot on with her definition of “trashy.”

As they drive away, Kalon says he and Blakeley are good friends, and he never would have seen Blakeley and Tony ending up together. Probably because she’s a preying-mantis who will donkey punch you to the throat rather than bite your head off.

Blakeley is still waiting for a helicopter or diamond earrings to drop out of the sky, but instead, they pull up to a trailer. She seems upset, but isn’t that the typical abode for a Hooters waitress?

Back at the house, Chris wants to suck (up to) and blow it over with Ed. Apparently their experimental phase isn’t over. After they do their thang, Chris has Ed on board to take out Lindzi.

Over to more sucking and blowing… oh wait, that comes later. Tony and Blakeley are grilling in the desert. Blakeley asks Tony if he wants a big piece because obviously that what she wants—whether it’s a diamond or his peen. She’s really willing to open up to Tony, so much so that she basically confesses she’s afraid to be left and she plans to latch on to Tony like a parasite.

Tony is like the “Jamie” of the men—naïve. “You’ve been with the wrong dudes, and I think I’d be different for you. I’ve been hurt the worst you can get hurt—by putting my peen inside an impregnable woman. I just want to live in the moment and see where it goes, and by it, I’m still referring to my peen.”

Meanwhile, Michael is wooing Rachel by pulling a Womack (pulling Emily aside at a rose ceremony with a picnic). He talks about his ex; she swoons.

Simultaneously, Tony turns on the jeep radio and finds this gem—“Love don’t come easy.” He and Blakeley slow dance under the stars. Then EVERYONE starts making out, except for Hatchet Face who only gets to stroke Ed’s head. If all the couples were together, it would be an orgy fo shizzle.

The next morning, Blakeley and Tony make their walk of shame—shameful because they couldn’t bathe. As they re-cap their date for their other housemates, Tony is smitten. Chris thinks he’s been brainwashed and the next day they’ll get married on the wet Bachelor driveway.

Chris pulls Tony aside and tells him he doesn’t want Tony to give Lindzi the rose. So Tony consults Blakeley, who is ready to send Chris and Sarah home, but Tony thinks Sarah is a good person. Oh no! Did she blow you, too?

Tony is about to present the rose when Chris, the king of curve balls, interjects and pulls Tony aside, again. Chris is always trying to change the rosegiver’s mind at the last minute, and in this case, it seemingly worked well for everyone. Tony doesn’t give the rose to Lindzi or Sarah; instead he hands it to Hatchet Face. The world may never know why…

Before the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison checks the relationship pulses of all the couples. Everyone admits to being romantically involved with their partner, but Ed emotionally slaps Hatchet Face in the… errr, hatchet face… when he says their relationship is strictly platonic.

Then Mr. Harrison says he wants to shake things up, so he’s bringing in strippers. Just kidding! Unless you count Blakeley! To switch it up, everyone must vote for a girl, and whoever that girl is gets to take out any guy she chooses. Before he leaves, Mr. Harrison also says they’ll have Depends available for any contestant who pisses or shits themselves because of his announcement.

The strategizing begins. Forget Depends, Michael needs to take a shower after this rose ceremony since he’s gunning for his “friend” Ericka Rose. He hopes she’ll think that Chris is the mastermind of that plan, since he’s done so well thus far.

In a more quiet section of the house, Hatchet Face and Ed are staring at each other. Her expression reads, “You fucking dick.” His: “You only get what you give.” And, BOOM, the ugly cry is back!  Ed apologizes and claims to be pursuing someone back home. Good luck with that, girlie!

Once Ericka Rose finds out Chris is plotting her demise, she goes straight to the source. After being prompted by Kalon, Chris proceeds to take Ericka into the deliberation room and stuff that ballot box. She is so impressed that she confronts Michael and says if she goes home then she’s taking the house down with her. Once the roses are given, Ericka picks Michael to leave with her. She calls him out as a dictator and a tiny little man. Michael admits to getting off Ericka. Eww! This is not going well!

Ericka also pulls the mother of all low blows, telling Michael that dumping him and marrying Blake was the smartest decision Holly ever made. Rachel breaks down at the mere mention of Holly and wants to go home, too, but Michael convinces her to stay and find a new peen to play with. With that, Nick is all ears!

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We’ve got a stage five clinger… she’ll find you

Posted by emzkbd on August 15, 2012

If The Bachelor portrays the fairy tale, then Bachelor Pad epitomizes the pages of He’s Just Not That Into You. At least Monday night’s episode sure did! From Prince Charming to emotional rapists, oh how the mighty have fallen.

We begin after the most shocking rose ceremony ever… not really because Reid started to dig his own grave last week and Donna’s big tits couldn’t keep her fan-dom afloat any longer. Ed cannot believe his name was being called, which much be a change because I’m sure he hears it repeatedly from all the skanks he drags home. Speaking of… Hatchet Face tells him he’s “a winner, not a loser” … snort, snort… like Dumby McDumberstein. At least that’s how it sounded to me.

In other news, Jamie doesn’t have any friends, so she’s prepared to suck a lotta dick this week to stick around.

This week’s challenge is meant to start drama. The remaining contestants have to complete a survey about their castmates. Kalon expects lots of tears because every answer will be either Ericka or him… who’s the ugliest, who’s the smartest. I can’t lie—Kalon is a stitch and I love him!

What sounds like The Price is Right is actually “The Price is Your Dignity.” First women, then men, have to answer some trivia—both pop culture and Bachelor-themed—and then some questions about fellow contestants.

Ericka: “It all came down to who can stick their hand on that buzzer first.” Well gee, I had no idea most of these whores could make hand party or using a buzzing device. I’m looking at you Ericka Rose.

When it came to the personal questions, Rachel almost peed her pants. Why? I’m not sure—embarrassment, anxiety, overactive bladder. She never quite explained.

What did we learn?

Ed is a narcissistic old-timer who daydreams about ménage a trois.

Blakeley has accomplished the least because she’s spent so much time pole-dancing. The dizzying effects have given her amnesia… so she can’t remember the number of sex partners she’s had.

Ericka Rose eats her hair, probably because she tries to starve herself but gets hungry and eats whatever she sees first flailing in front of her face.

David has sexy thoughts about the women because he can’t get any sexy time with any one. Period. Remember when Jamie put him in the friend zone last week?

Sarah will get it on with anyone, anywhere—including a parking garage.

Jamie wants to pee on Chris… because HE’S SOOOO HOT. Just marking her territory! She’s also hanging on every guy like the trimmings on a Christmas tree, she thinks Hatchet Face is faker than the eyelashes she (Jamie) wears, and who could forget that Blakeley still hates her vajazzling guts.

Nope, I think I already knew all this. Let me check my previous posts…

Ed and Jaclyn win the competition, and Rachel and David had the lowest scores so they get penalty votes at the rose ceremony. Afterward, Jamie has a meltdown, so Kalon corners her with his unbuttoned shirt and “soothes” her. “When you put a dog down, you pet its head.” I cringed so hard I came.

Meanwhile, Blakeley is having a freak-out because Chris was cheering for Sarah during the competition. He thinks she’s gonna stab him, but what we already know is that she wants to donkey-punch him in the throat. I am looking forward to this show down next week very much.

And then it’s Date Day, and Hatchet Face gets her first Bachelor date. Maybe it’s because no one wants to be alone with her butter face. Did you see all the guys? Their expressions read: “Please don’t pick me. I can’t bear to look at your ugly mug for more than 10 seconds.”

She ends up picking Ed (can they say no?), and Sarah thinks it’s sooooo annoying. “She’s under this illusion that her and Ed are in this really, like, deep partnership. And she now thinks that being a ‘partner’ is being, like, a life partner… in a relationship.” 1. What other life partners are there? Like Misty May and Kerri? 2. What does she think she and Ed have, other than a positive HIV test?

Ed and Hatchet Face go to an empty Dodger stadium. Hatchet thinks they’re tiny little ants… which I’d like to spray with Raid. Ed feels like he’s at the White House, where great things happen, since he’s probably a Cubs fan. Ed sings the National Anthem Row, Row, Row Your Boat; I giggle. Then they play with some balls, which Hatchet Face is used to since no guy wants to be intimate with her face unless it’s with his junk. Ed gets a hummer homer.

Back at the house, Sarah says, “Ed and Jaclyn have only hooked up one time, and so did I, but I didn’t claim him, at least not to his face like Jaclyn did. Our hook-up was way more intense.”

Before things get sexy at the ballpark, Hatchet Face reads a note from Chris Harrison. Oh you silly man, you always know when to kill the mood with your roses! Apparently, Ed will be forgoing his date because he already got a rose and a date with Hatchet Face. Instead, he gets to give a rose to another dude. Wait, I thought The Bachelor – Homoerotic Encounters was too controversial for ABC?

In the hot tub, we find Rachel and Blakeley. No, not in that way! Blakeley’s bitchin’ about Chris’s cheerleading skills at the challenge. I don’t know about you, but I heard “Be Aggressive, B-E AGGRESSIVE!” Isn’t that what these women have been doing?

Chris can’t wait until Blakeley goes to bed so he can get some. He admits to being sneaky with his Mr. Squeaky. He also calls Jamie “desperate,” which, let’s face it, she is.

Jamie: “I heard you’re tough to get to bed. Do I have to club you and drag you, caveman-style?”

Chris: “Please stop talking. I just want to look at your boobs.”

In another part of town, Ed and Hatchet Face are sharing a foot-long and licking each other’s faces. They can’t decide whom to give the rose to. Ed is already convinced it should go to his life partner Chris. Sorry, Sarah and Hatchet Face, you were both wrong about Ed!

Next thing you know, Ed and Hatchet Face are on the kiss-cam, and I think I see Ed throw up in his mouth. Once they kiss, the sky lights up with fireworks that spell out “Congratulations, you’ve got herpes.”

As the night wanes, all we see is Chris feelin’ up Jamie, while all we hear is Jamie’s jibber-jabber: “Ohmigosh, am I really in this gorgeous, wonderful man’s arms? I don’t wanna get hurt. I’m not sure I can trust him. I don’t want to get close to you if I’m just leaving. Send Blakeley home so I can have you to myself.”

But Chris just wants some punani, so he macks on her face until she shuts up. Chris: “There’s no spark there.” But in Jamie’s head, and to all us viewers, she’s saying, “I’m so happy. It doesn’t seem like he’s playing a game. He’s just being honest.”  Then…

Chris: “My shorts are wet.”

(How’d that happen?)

Jamie: “Why don’t you take them off?”

Chris: “I’m playing a game here. It’s called ‘Slip ‘N Slide on Jamie’s Vagina’. I’m gonna have all the bitches linin’ up.”

Jamie: “You like me?”

Chris: “I do like you.”

Jamie: “A lot?”

Chris: {Raper voice} “Mayyyyyybe.”

And then more of Jamie’s delusional rant: “I really haven’t felt this way about someone so quickly. Having his big arms wrapped around me and his warm body pressed up against me. I really feel like I can trust him.” 1. Yep, that sounds like emotional rape. 2. Didn’t you just say you can’t trust him?

The next day, overwhelmed with love after Chris finger-dipped her, Jamie gushes to Rachel about how she and Chris should be partners. “Chris was being so sweet to me. We spent the night cuddling, and he held my hand and put his arm around me. It melted me. That’s just so wonderful to have someone caring about me. That is SUCH a good feeling.” Sooooo, that’s what men call an easy lay!

Jamie is hoping Chris gets the rose so he can take her on a date, while Blakeley hopes he gets it to honor what they have as partners. Needless to say, Chris gets the date card, which says to pick the woman who’s ready for some action. Clearly, that’s not Frigidaire Blakeley. He’d spend hours trying to thaw out her nether region. And it’s not Jamie either, because for every action, there’s a reaction. Stage Five Clinger Alert!

Who’s left? Sarah! Huh?! As Blakeley put it, “I guess he wanted some action like the card said.” Before he leaves, he’s cornered by both his former flames. Blakeley wants to know what’s up, so Chris tells her she’s overwhelming and he’d like to switch partners. At least, that’s what I interpreted from their discussion. Blakeley starts to cry. It’s all just so confusing!

Next up is Jamie. Chris tells her that he had to tell Blakeley there is nothing romantic between him and Sarah, and he wishes he could take Jamie, who totally eats up his bullshit. “That’s the great thing about him—he doesn’t get pleasure out of causing pain.” Are you sure about that?

Jamie: “I’m excited for you to get back.”

Chris: “Yeah, I’ll be back.”

Jamie: “You better come back… or I’ll find youuuuu.” Poke, poke!

Chris and Sarah leave for their date, and they’re abducted… to a parking garage. Wait a second… are they going to have sex there? Boy, has Sarah moved on fast from Ed, or what?!

Actually their action-packed date means they’ll be part of an action flick. Some Ang Lee wannabe appears, and Sarah confesses she has three years of kung fu experience. She proceeds to kick Chris’s ass. Next, they have a staring contest; Sarah wants to make out… with his penis. When the cameras start rolling, Sarah struts out in Catwoman leather pants with her VPL and saves Chris from emotional terrorists scary white guys.  After one kiss, Sarah says they can’t keep their hands off each other.

At the house, Chris Harrison arrives with another rose for Ed to present to another lady. Immediately, Blakeley makes herself known. “Ed, what do you want for dinner?” Please, we all know pussy is not something you’re serving up these days, Blakeley. Ed sneaks off to give his rose to Rachel, who just so happens to be Hatchet Face’s bestie.

Strategery begins. Blakeley feels like she could be targeted by rose-toting Chris, but Jamie also wants her gone. The two come face-to-face, and Blakeley admits Chris played her. All Jamie is hearing is Blakeley isn’t interested in Chris anymore, not her unspoken warning “he’ll-do-it-to-you-too.” Jamie can’t WAIT for Chris to get home.

Cut to Chris and Sarah having a rooftop dinner, where they mouth-fuck and he gives her a strawberry rose. They’re tongue-tangoing turns sexually explosive, so much so that Sarah ends up on top of Chris. Producers had to intervene before Chris shplooged in the pool. Chris equates Sarah to a new car, one he plans to ride until he her engine blows.

Back home, Jamie is waiting by the door like a puppy dog, but Chris and Sarah are searching for their hotel room where they plan to have SEX—the really dirty kind.

The next morning, those two come crawling in with their sex hair. Jamie is crushed and cannot believe Chris would do that to her. Obviously, she is not very observant. Otherwise, she and Blakeley would be BFFs.

Later, it’s rose ceremony time, which means the arrival of Chris Harrison and his vagina hands. He plays therapist until the minions scatter. David knows he’s the last fan standing, so as Chris Harrison says, he better work it. Hatchet Face suggests Nick as a possible target, so David proceeds to lather up the other women with sweet talk. As a result, we hear from Nick, who has been silent most of the season. He tries to make a deal with Jamie to vote off Blakeley and David.

When it comes to the men’s votes, it’s a tossup between two crazy bitches—Blakeley and Jamie. Kalon is still running with his “tell-everyone-what-they-want-to-hear” strategy. Meanwhile, Chris is petitioning to send home Blakeley because she causes the most waves; he can screw Jamie into submission, but Blakeley refuses to be screwed with.

Ed tells Chris that he can’t control all his hos under the same roof. Clearly, Blakeley is the bigger threat.  She donkey-punches people in the throat. They should be scared! But as fate would have it, Jamie and David are sent home. Chris feels lied to. How could they send his fuck buddy home?! He tries his best sincere impersonation when Jamie tries to confront him, saying he tried to keep her there. Pfft…

Then the voice of reason speaks: “Chris has been going around starting a lot of little fires in girls’ pants, and if you play with fire, you get burned.” I can’t decide if this is in reference to a venereal disease or… another venereal disease. Tune in next week to see which one!

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Hot sludge fundae, or as I like to call it “Got Sluts Monday”

Posted by emzkbd on August 8, 2012

I should probably apologize for not posting a re-cap yesterday, but then I thought, the only ones who should be apologizing were the cast of Monday’s show. Man was that a boring episode! I think my girlfriends and I talked more about the drama in our own lives than we paid attention to the contestant’s shenanigans. I think the most interesting part was the last two minutes when the rat was running around the kitchen at the mansion. Come on guys! Haven’t you seen Ratatouille? Poor little guy prolly just wanted to try a new recipe.

The night begins by setting us up for the battle royale between Ed and Reid. Anyone else think it would be more entertaining to see these two use their penises as light sabers and have at it? Especially if Ed makes the sound effects and Reid goes all James Earl Jones: “Ed, I am your father. Join me on the dark conspiratorial side. Muahahaha!”

Reid is afraid his strategy is going to get back to Ed, so he goes to Donna for her perspective. He gives her a play-by-play, during which her mouth drops open (no, I’m not referring to her dick-taking ability), followed by “That makes no sense!” Reid: “Are you sure you’re not really a blonde?”

Sarah wants to apologize to Ed for planning to vote him off by planting her lips on his man meat, but Ed responds, “Now is not a good time. I need to get Jaclyn more champagne.” As a result, Sarah wallows in self-pity, feeling so terrible for being a mean girl. “I know he’s kind of socially retarded and weird, but he’s my fuck buddy, so just promise me you won’t try to vote Ed off of Bachelor Pad again. Ok, guys?” Boo, you whore!

Ed tells Hatchet Face he feels like maybe he should go home, but she says she’d be a floater if he leaves. Umm, I kinda feel like you’re already a turd roaming about the mansion. Don’t think that would change if Ed left. After speaking with Hatchet Face, Ed has clarity—he decides to stay in the cesspool of fame whores.

The next morning, I thought I saw Chris Harrison, but it was just the talking wallpaper that sounded like him.

Mr. Harrison tells the horny Brady Bunch that they’ll be competing as couples somewhere no one can witness their depravity. Everyone gets dressed, but not before David has a chance to rifle through Mr. Harrison’s dirty laundry. Found it!

Oh sorry! The buttons are different!

This week’s challenge—an obstacle course called hot sludge fundae. To mix it up, the contestants move one person to their left and get a new partner. Captain Obvious—Jamie—can be heard whispering “We have to win!” to Ed, who doesn’t seem to give a shit… unless it’s a blonde floater.

Kalon, on the other hand, is thrilled to be partnered with Ericka Rose. He has confidence in her abilities—“she can eat her way through Pac-man style.”

Michael says once the whistle blows, they can kinda see the girls’ heads bob down. Yep, that pretty much sums up this show. Ed says Jamie pops up first. Clearly, this one’s worried about getting the shaft (just not Chris’s), so she knows she has to out-perform the other girls in the nut sack.

Chris Harrison: “Chris is finally making his way across the field of whipped cream after a late hand off from Jaclyn.” Bet he had some chafing!

In the end, it’s Ed and Chris on the slippery slope, but unfortunately for Ed, he couldn’t finish. “This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me!” What about that time where you couldn’t get it up on national TV? Yeah, remember that?!

As a result of his flaccid performance, Ed and Jamie are penalized and have an automatic vote against them. On the other hand, the rat race came down to David and Michael. Chris Harrison said it was so close that the producers had to review the tape, and it turns out David beat Michael by a nut nose. He and Rachel win the challenge and earn group dates with the chance to hand out their own STDs roses. As a preview of what’s to come, Reid hoses everyone down.

Once they return to the mansion, Donna tells Blakeley she would rather do rhythmic gymnastics naked then roll around in hot fudge and whipped cream. Something tells me she’s a stripper, not a mud wrestler, at heart.

Meanwhile, everyone is worried about David and his obsession with the show—except Blakeley, who teased him by sticking her neck out for him last week in the least sexual way possible. “It’s up to you who you take on the date, but if you take me I can promise a whole lotta nothing because I’m a born-again virgin.”

The date card arrives and tells David to choose the three women he’ll never forget. That’s easy—Blakeley “Big Boobs”, Ericka Rose “The Erection Ruiner”, and Jamie “Blow Job Lips”. The four of them end up at the Bachelor Prom, which is very fitting because high school is rampant with cattiness and petty feuds like the one between Blakeley and Jamie. You’d swear all of these cheerleaders are trying to score with the guido-quarterback.

Back home, the crew is firing off limes because they drank all the tequila. Ed, who clearly needs a shower, exclaims he is not in favor of their antics. “I smell like a black guy I smell, like, a black eye!” Reid proceeds to fire a lime straight at his douche-y white face. Later, Reid looks deep into Ed’s eyes and tells him he wants to trust him.

At the Prom, David boasts he’s had luck date-rapin’ at functions like these and he’s ready to stash his pedo-face so that he can seduce the wannabe high-schoolers.

Jamie mentions that she didn’t make it to her senior prom, probably because she was too busy humping in her boyfriend’s backseat. She also says she loves country music and penises in her mouth. David is hypnotized, which causes Blakeley to snap “Hell to the N-O!”

Reverting to the mansion, Ed is struggling to carry Hatchet Face to his bedroom where he proceeds to make barnyard/cowboy noises. So that’s what you call porking!

Before it’s time to crown Prom Queen, Blow Job Lips lubes up with lots of tears. David is turned on until Blakeley arrives to reiterate her loyalty. That don’t mean shit when free pussy is on the table, honey! Sorry, Blakeley! Put out or get out!!

Nevertheless, David decides with this dickle and gives the rose to Jamie. As a result, David ends up on Blakeley’s “Diarrhea List.” I wonder what it takes to get on her constipated list.

The next day Rachel gets to choose three guys to get forgotten famous—Nick, Tony, and the Stag. Michael says Rachel is the reason he came back to Bachelor Pad, and if he can’t find love with a walking corpse then he’s shit outta luck.

This group gets to have the “Bachelor Experience”, which is ironically NOT a threesome, foursome or any other -some. They arrive at Madame Tussaud’s with dozens of wax figures. Turning a corner, they spot a life-like Chris Harrison, making the vagina hands. He comes to life, causing Michael to pee in his jeans. Like Chris, the groupies get to pose as figurines and scare the crap out of teenage girls and sexually confused men.

At the house, Jamie wants to please Chris and make him happy. This isn’t the forties, or a street corner, last I checked! She also says she wants to fall in love on TV, so she can show her kids how much of a whore she was in her twenties. She then goes on to seduce Chris OUT of bed, but he says “Not tonight! It’s me, not you! Seriously!! I haven’t told you I loved you, so go!”

Jamie: “I could have made it happen. Who says girls can’t rape guys? If you can’t ejaculate on my face in front of America, then you’re not the right person for me. I’m a little awkward sometimes… dating, talking, breathing. I really want a family, someone to spend the holidays with.” Maybe she should try the whole mail-order bride thing. Just a thought!

During the group date, Michael proposes to an unsuspecting fan, and Rachel launches a counter-attack. The woman he proposed to was clearly a threat, so Rachel gives Michael the rose to keep him on a leash. He calls it a romantic gesture, not a strategic gesture. Then out of nowhere, Tony interjects that it should have been his rose because he was the Alpha Male of the pack. Mr. Pathetic says he’d rather be making out with a smoker’s lung than stuck in a limo with Captain Protein Powder.

Later, Rachel and Michael have some alone time, where Michael confesses he kissed Donna (NO WAY!), but there were no warm fuzzies (just a mega-huge boner). See last week’s post—Mouth Intercourse: Practice Safe Smooching.

The next day, everyone scrambles like eggs. Sarah tells Ed, “They’re trying to conspire against you!” She also divulges that Reid told her to vote off Ed.

Ed: “If you cross me, then I’ll pop your inner tube.”

Sarah: “Sooooo, I’m hoping this means you’ll sleep with me again.”

Ed: “No, I’m going to smash this guy instead.”

Later, Ed plays the Batman to Reid’s Two-Face, and Reid plays by the cheater’s handbook: Deny, deny, deny. Ed threatens to pee in the pool if Reid doesn’t leave. I say, prove it!

The underdogs want to overthrow the power couples, which Ericka Rose claims would be a BP first. Unfortunately, for her, it isn’t, nor will we ever see her as part of a BP power couple, unless she swallows them whole— Pac-man style.

Chris tries to reassure Blakeley, but she is the only bitch in this house who’s not buying what Chris is selling. She says she’s a Scorpio, and she’ll sting the shit outta you. But first, she’ll have a good cry. So Mr. Pathetic comforts Blakeley: “You’re not going anywhere, except down on these nuts.” In comes Michael who thought he heard something about a nut sack and didn’t want to come in second to David again.

Donna, or as Ericka calls her “Danke Schoen”, is in the hot seat. She bites her lip. Someone’s obviously been emulating the Fifty Shades leading lady. She’s pissed everyone’s getting action except her, so she lets Nick feel her fake tit-tays. Capt. Protein Powder: “No one dislikes double D’s, so the guys plan to keep the T&A around.”

Voting begins, and Kalon holds Donna’s fate in his hands, while she’s creaming her panties on the couch with Nick. At the same time, Reid is trying to work out sexual favors with Hatchet Face.

Hatchet Face: “That’s hard for me to grasp.”

Reid: “Oh you bet it’s hard, baby. If it goes down that way, I want you to trust me not to thrust too deep. We can work on something.” {Wink}

Hatchet Face is clearly upset by Reid’s come-ons. “I didn’t expect him to pull a fast one on me tonight…with his penis.”

Reid: “I didn’t want it to happen this way, but Ed is screwed—just not in the way I’ll be screwing you later.” {Wink, wink} “No matter what happens, it would come down to a point anyway! In the end, everybody is gonna screw each other.” {Triple wink}

Unfortunately for Reid, the “keep your friends close, your enemies closer” proverb didn’t benefit him. Instead, Reid and the final female fan were eliminated, but not before Hatchet Face encouraged Reid to come back for another season… without his dishonesty.

Parting words –

Reid: “Bachelor Pad is a sick, deceptive place.” And you’re just learning that now! Didn’t you watch the first two seasons? Even David has learned how to play this game.

Donna: “I’m so shocked. I got pretty far for a fan. I would have never thought that a guy would blow me off—EVER—because I’m just so used to them throwing themselves at me, but they’re gonna regret it. Watch! When I’m not around in my bikini, they’re going to be pissed.” Yep, gonna have to find some internet porn for next week’s circle jerk, guys.

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Mouth intercourse: Practice safe smooching!

Posted by emzkbd on August 1, 2012

For me, Tuesdays are the morning after a drunken sexual encounter, where you wake up thinking “I let him stick it where?” But the truth is, once you’ve been there, you’re bound to find your way back, and that, my friends, makes Bachelor Pad my drug of choice. Once you go Bach, you never go back… to other reality dating shows. Except maybe Love in the Wild! It’s like chimps mating in a jungle and competing to visit zoos around the world.

Moving on, last night’s episode starts where last week’s rose ceremony ended. There’s a clear divide between fans and failures favorites, or more specifically, Ericka Rose versus Dave and the twins. Who would have thought Ericka Rose’s whining could be overcast by twins banging heads. And then they cry, and cry, and cry. It’s like watching Jerry Springer! Wait, were they on there?

Their first fight of the night, about something I couldn’t figure out (literally I don’t think the source of conflict was ever named), ended when one turned to the other and apologetically said: “I would have never said that if I was sober.” Nope, pretty sure I would have said it… behind your back!

Lindzi: “Every guy’s fantasy is twins, but I don’t think they’ve met these twins, yet. Except for maybe Chris, who has set the bar pretty low post-marriage.”

Hatchet Face: “GOD THEY’RE DUMB!” Yes, Hatchet Face, and you’re fugly!

Next day, Harry Sonsofbitches arrives to tell the sluts they better be prepared to dance for a dolla.

Sarah: “Out walk these little tiny gymnasts that are doing positions I couldn’t even do in the bedroom if I wanted to, but I’m still going to try.”

In honor of the summer Olympics, the contestants are to perform rhythmic gymnastics in a “not very dude-like” fashion.

Chubster knows she can’t look graceful in this competition. Maybe it was the fact that she tried to high kick in a dress, but instead looked like an epileptic having a seizure. She might as well hop into a potato sack and tumble down the hill.

As the twelve-year-old instructors try to teach the contestants, Stag and the other men embrace their inner ballerina, while the women start tying each other up and doing the “butt roll.” If you’ve seen Ericka Rose’s lard ass roll around once, you know what I’m talking about it.

Sarah says the ribbon twirling is all about the wrist. Of course she’d know that because of all the handies she’s been passing out. Donna thinks she has a “leg up on the girls,” but I didn’t think this was a muff-diving competition. Not to be forgotten, David is whippin’ it because he knows that if he seems like less of a cock block the more likely he’ll be able to stick around. Hear that Ed?!

Once it’s time to perform, the contestants have to squeeze into kid-size unitards, which proves a challenge for some, like Ericka Rose, who wants to take her ribbon, tie it around her neck, and hang herself with it. Something tells me she won’t be hanging for long.

Reid fears his manhood is at stake, so he says, and I quote: “I just have to put that away and forget about it… and then I got excited.”

The women will perform first, and Jamie is confident she will nail it because that’s been her plan all along—to nail it. Likewise, Sarah is checking out all the men’s packages to decide which one she’ll bang first. Clearly, it won’t be Reid.

The judges appear—Ashley and JP and an Olympic medalist. Not Shawn Johnson, so it makes no difference! Donna feels threatened by Blakeley’s pole-dancing abilities athleticism—something Kalon would probably agree with. He’s astonished by every other female’s performance since naturally women are raised to excel at shopping and gymnastics. Well what about you then, Kalon? I bet you’re an expert at building Lego forts and touching your pee-pee.

When the women have concluded running in circles, Mike equates their train-wreck performance to something worse than a pre-school dance recital.  Next up—the nuthuggers gentlemen! “Butterflies and rainbows!” Wait, I didn’t see Chris Harrison flitting around out there.

Donna wants Michael to tie her up with his ribbons and dance around her. Sounds like something a gay man would do at a Renaissance faire… in tights.

Once the results are tallied, and by this I mean Ashley and JP’s votes are void, that gymnast who obviously didn’t qualify for this year’s Olympics decides that Ericka Rose and Ed were the worst and Bllakeley—who can’t wait to go on a date with Chris, who is simultaneously praying aloud to God—and Mike—it will probably take him until Bachelor Pad 6 to realize he really wants to find love with another dude—were the best in show.

Afterward, Donna confesses to Jamie that she is obsessed with Michael, i.e. she has posters of him over her bed. She tries to convince him to take her on the date by deep-throating the horse cock of all bananas.

Ericka Rose—I thought she was planning to commit suicide?—begs the Stag to take her on his date, but apparently he wasn’t wearing his gay BFF hat. He wanted to make a love connection, so he picked the three manliest women he could find— What? You don’t think Donna was once Donald before the sex change?—and then asks if they want to shower with him before they go. Who’s gonna drop the soap first?

Cut to Ericka Rose and her I’m-pissed-at-yet-another-person-for-not-making-me-the-center-of-attention rant. The Stag, his two hookers and Lindzi leave to go to Vegas some po-dunk theater with their names on the marquee. Some musicians are crooning like a Lifehouse cover band as the trannies fight over who gets to sword fight with Mike.

Mike: “Donna’s great, but I want to explore Rachel’s mouth with my tongue.”

Back at the house, the Virgin Harry Ryan makes a cake for his partner and birthday girl Jamie. I guess if you won’t eat her muffin, then you bake her something equally moist. Jamie wasn’t having it, especially after he started vacuuming up that sushi like a wannabe rug-muncher. “Like a Virgin” tells Madonna that Chris wants to stay with Blakeley, to which she responds, “Papa don’t preach//I’m in trouble deep.”

On their group date, Michael spends most of the night making out with Rachel, until Donna decides she’ll do anything to get the rose. I thought for sure we’d see her on her knees, but instead she used her obsessive compulsive disorder to sketch a very lifelike drawing of Michael… or Slimer. You decide!

Because of her artistic abilities, Michael wants to encourage Donna’s infatuation by slamming her against a wall and teasing her lips with Rachel’s herpes.

At the mansion, Chris is sweet-talking Jamie right out of her morals. Jamie: “When you’re my partner, I’ll kiss you all I want.” Five seconds later… mouth intercourse.

At the end of his group date, Michael has to decide which woman brought him back from the gay side. Donna feels like she will die if she gets the rose. Buuuut Rachel gets it and Donna’s still breathing, so I guess that’s not going to happen.

Meanwhile, some whippersnappers are conspiring at the mansion, and by conspiring I’m referring to the shit spewing from Chris’s mouth. Chris: “Obviously Blakeley’s got something for me, or two funthings for me. We just have to solidify the alliance, and by solidify I mean caulk her vortex of doom… with my peen… before it spirals out of control.”

And then this –

Jamie: “I sense that Chris and Blakeley are having difficulties with whatever relationship they have. Chris really wanted to spend the night together, so… {GASP} I sleep on the top bunk above Blakeley, and there is Chris. I’m just going to quietly weep and creepily watch them with envy until someone climaxes like the end of a movie.”

Jamie climbed up into her bunk and cried herself to sleep. Which is worse, you ask. Trying to have a good cry while people below are banging it out or trying to get some while the person above you is wailing like a Hurricane Katrina?

The next morning, Blakeley wants to see how Chris liked her punani, but Chris insists it was just a kiss. Sure, just a kiss on her vagina lips sang Lady Antebellum. NOT!

Anyway, it’s Blakeley’s turn for a group date; she has to pick three guys to make it “racy.” Since there’s no African American or Asian men—unless you count Ryan as a mix of somethings—she picks Chris (who “would love to cum”), Ed (who fists pumps), and Dave (who poops his pants).

Their date is a soapbox derby event, or as Emily Maynard calls it—the place where little Ricki was conceived. Here, they get to decorate their cars. Chris names his “Bliss” for Blakeley + Chris… or what he’s feeling from all the free handies he’s gettin’ in the house, in the hot tub, on the patio. Ed wants be creative and different, and since he’s in a pickle with an automatic vote against him from the challenge, he makes his car a pickle. Could be a metaphor for his penis but ABC went with the former idea instead. Lastly, Dave’s car is the rose; he might as well have broken into tears and begged for it.

Dave says he’s going to take the other guys out “from the rear.” Somewhere, Mike is wishing he made that joke. Rising to the occasion, Ed’s pickle wins it by a tip nose. Blakeley presents him with his trophy and lures the men back to the Bachelor/Bachelorette’s pad, where they hop into a jiz-free hot tub.

Dave plays to Blakeley’s vulnerability, essentially calling her a loser on her season. He says he only has one thing to offer her— his peen vote. Afterward, Blakeley and Chris talk, and Chris says he wants to be in an 8×8 storage room with her where he can club her like a baby seal. For all intents and purposes, Blakeley is the Freddy Krueger in Chris’s nightmare.

When it’s time to present the rose, Blakeley oozes her appreciation to Dave, and just when he’s about to blow his joyful load on her crochet sweater, the black widow slowly, and somewhat awkwardly, turns and offers the rose to none other than Chris. Dave goes limp.

Afterward, the gang heads back to the mansion where sheer debauchery ensues. Chris sprays Dave in the face… with a bottle of champagne. Jamie grinds up on desperate-for-any-action-this-season Ericka Rose, who then proceeds to make out with Donna. In another room, a bunch of women, including Lindzi, have climbed into bed with Kalon; and in the pool/hot tub, Michael is flirtatiously asking Rachel if she’ll take it up the butt, while Dave is actually penetrating one of the twins.

Inside, hehehehehe, Blakeley can be heard saying she “hearts my teammate” while hugging Chris. I know this because I had to rewind it five times because it sounded like “I heart my peen-y” in a croaky old witch’s voice.

And who could forget about Ed, who cannot resist showing off his cup. “Have you tasted victory?” Well, we know Sarah has. “FLYING PICKLE!” Yeah, buddy!

At approximately an hour and twenty-two minutes into the show, I got a headache… thanks to the twins whose re-donk-u-lous arguments made no sense. Something about I don’t want to be your partner, waah, you don’t listen, waah, I’m such a whore, waah, I have my period, WAAAAH, I wanna leave!

Donna heard a cock rooster, which meant she wanted to get some sleep, and Hatchet face’s ears began bleeding gallons of blood. It was a mess!

Twin 1: “I really wanna kill myself right now!

Twin 2: “Then do it!”

Michael says he’s met a lot of people on the planet, and he can’t believe how quickly the twins go from being best friends/dressed identical/love each other/ohmigod/sister to I hate you/you’re el diablo! Clearly, he’s never had a sister!

From the couch, where Lindzi’s giving Kalon a handy, the twin’s argument seems entertaining. The twin who humped Dave says her goodbyes to him while he’s yawning, half asleep. FINALLY, they leave of their own free will. “Yelling isn’t helping” should be their coined phrase.

When Dave wakes up, the girls tell him the twins went home, and he is DEVASTATED! Dude, trust me, the Situation felt the same way. WINK!

Proceeding to the rose ceremony, Mike makes it clear that he’s the winner and everyone, including Dave, knows Dave is going home, but Kalon wants to shake things up. He lubes up Lindzi’s vagina with his slimy tongue and sends her to manipulate others to send home the man who puts the pussy on the pedestal—Ryan.

That shit spreads like herpes wildfire, until Ed calls Reid a little bitch for listening in on his conversation… 50 feet away. At this point, Reid wants to circumcise Ed’s pickle, so he goes to the chick that both of them shagged. No, not Jillian! Sarah, who’s having a post-coital meltdown! Ed can’t believe it. It’s a complete “mind-blow”, which, coincidentally, is the same move Sarah made the previous night. “I feel so guilty. I turned on someone I hooked up with in this house. I’m so mad at myself.” How could she? After everything he didn’t do for her!

In the end, the Material Girl is the swing vote—Ed, “the least best” of Jillian’s possible suitors, or Ryan, a guy who makes the Jonas brothers look horny. Sarah is hysterically crying and breaking out in hives. One by one, the men get their roses, but it’s Ryan who leaves with nothing but his virginity. The Queen of Pop says now she’s a free soul. Poor Ryan! He seemed like a good guy, a real devout Christian, caught in the crosshairs of Jamie’s burning bush. Well, maybe he’ll have a shot at the sequel to that Steve Carrell flick. Until next time… remember to scrub your genitals!

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