And they lived happily ever… AW HELL NAW!

Like all fairy tales, this one has a Prince Charming, but first we meet the Genie from the lamp—Chris Harrison—who arrives to grant the ladies their reality TV wish. Their fairy tale trip around the world begins today… with their first destination being Whitefish, Montana. Really? Not a castle in France or a palace in the desert.

Prince Charming’s never been to Montana, as I reckon most princes haven’t. He’ll have a lot of princesses to keep him company, and one evil sea witch named Ursula.

The first princess to accompany Prince Charming on his travels is Snow White, whose voice is still as annoying as ever. (Ok, ok, so there’s no resemblance on this one.)

Snow White: “Is that a helicopter?” Nope, it’s an RV with propellers.

They soar over Glacier National Park and then park it on Pocahontas’s Indian reservation. Snow tells the Prince about her days as an army brat, living with way more than seven dwarves. Snow also tells him that she never really had a relationship with her father, probably because he was poisoned by her evil stepmother. No wonder she drinks too much wine and dances around in a wedding gown, singing “Some Day my Prince will Come”. Prince Charming gives her a rose.

At the hotel, the group date card arrives, and Ursula is as “happy as a little bumblebee filled with honey” since she’ll be on the two-on-one date with her nemesis The Little Mermaid. Princess Aurora thinks Ursula needs to get “sober” before her date; nobody likes a drunk villain.

Before the first one-on-one is over, the Prince has one more surprise for Snow White. He whisks her away to downtown Whitefish, where a mob of people—the entire town, population 30—have gathered to cut out her heart. Unfortunately, they didn’t succeed, but I bit into that apple and passed out hardcore for the rest of their date.

The next day…

Sean: “I don’t necessarily need an outdoorsman wife…” What does that mean exactly? You don’t care if she has both man and woman parts?

Princess Jasmine: “I come down the hill and I see my Prince Charming waiting there for me.” I guess Aladdin’s out of the picture.

On the group date, the women participate in a relay race—canoeing, hauling hay, sawing wood, and milking a goat. Belle: “I have never had a desire in my life to drink goat’s milk, but I will down goat’s milk—like a good book—to get more time with Sean.”

Alice: “I’m gonna chug that goat milk like it’s my job. I’m no stranger to sipping strange liquids that build strong bones and make me grow five stories tall.”

Cinderella is nervous. “I don’t think having one arm is going to hold me back today. After all, I’m the only one of these bitches with a fairy g-ma.”

Look—only one arm!

During the first part of the race, no one can paddle the canoes—not even Pocahontas, who uses one as her primary mode of transportation. Blue team docks first, but the red team takes over bucking their hay and crosscutting their wood. It comes down to milking their goat. “Get that right nipple!” Evidently the more productive nipple! Belle’s goat knocks over her mason jar, but she milks that goat like the pro she is and gulps down that warm, creamy nipple shplooge to earn a win for the red team.

Alice: “Weak people piss me off and losing pisses me off and not getting more time with Prince Charming pisses me off and that damn Cheshire cat pisses me off.” The losers exit in a white chariot van.

Prince Charming takes the winners to a magical place called Casey’s, but he misses the losers. He felt his wife might have been on the blue team, so he summons them to his cave of wonders. Belle is pissed that she deep-throated that white stuff. Tiana is mad they “got nothing extra out of it”—not even just his tip.

Ursula sits on the porch writing spells in her fake journal. Then she steals one of the “loser’s” shirts and stalks off to Sean’s soiree, where the winners are getting angry and the losers are arriving Sex in the City-style (side-by-side down main street).

“Are you expecting any other surprises this evening?” says one of the Prince’s servants. “You mean, the ‘Marry Me Monday’ special, which airs on the following commercial?

Ursula feels like she got a “huge cock slap in the face”, but it was probably just one of her tentacles unfurling from beneath her stolen shirt. “I need to stalk the guy I’m dating.” Actually, that’s a common mistake amongst lovesick teenagers and evil villains who patrol the beaches using a stolen voicebox to mesmerize the man of their dreams.

Ursula: “I told you this from the get-go: I don’t want to be misled and I’m a real person and I have real feelings, but everything else about me is fake, including what I just said.” Nevertheless, she feels like she got a head-start with the two-on-one date.

Prince Charming returns to the party and immediately pulls Belle aside, who’s still pissed because she “could have walked the whole thing.” Then around the corner comes Princess Aurora. “Obviously, there’s one person in the four of us that he wants to spend time, and I can’t help but think that’s me me me.” Snoozing Beauty gets her eye-opening liplock.

Next up, John Smith wants to snuggle with Pocahontas,  but Rapunzel wants to let down her hair.  Unfortunately for her, she catches the Indian princess grindin’ up on the white man’s crotch. Rapunzel cries to Cinderella’s make-believe fairy godmother. “He obviously connects with a lot of you, and it’s like I don’t wanna feel like I have to fight for it.” But then, her wish comes true, and Prince Charming pulls her aside. She starts bawling and apologizing, but the Prince thinks it’s she’s sooooooo sweet. First time ever a man is not afraid of tears.

She wastes no time planting one on him. Mmm sloppy seconds! And it worked—Prince Charming gives her a rose. Belle must be so jealous!

The next day, Ariel and Ursula depart for their date on a ranch where they’ll ride horses. Ariel clearly has a hard time with land animals because her horse lags behind the other two, giving Ursula the chance to convince the Prince they’ll be lovers—just like their horses.

When they demount, Ariel gets crucial alone time with the Prince where she tells him she didn’t plan on being the girl to “go over to him and say this is how this girl is… I would wanna know if I were in your position.” She proceeds to throw Ursula back into the ocean, admitting she had flirted with another suitor at the airport. Kiss of death, m’lady!

Later, the three of them sit down for a cordial dinner of what else—fish. I’m surprised Ariel didn’t brush her locks with that dinglehopper she used to fork her friends of the sea. Fish are friends—not food!

The Prince should have staked Ursula, but instead, he pulls her aside so she can tell him some sob story without the sobbing—something about an ex in rehab who died, “hardest time in her life”, blah blah blah, no tears shed. She says she lost her “best friend”, which is why she’s never found any new friends. I think she gave her ex a magic potion which turned him into a poor unfortunate soul.

Moment of truth—good versus evil. I guess her conch shell necklace cheetah-print scarf was her all-powerful talisman because the Prince decided to keep her. Sweet Ariel should have busted out the seashell bra. Prince Charming: “I feel very confident in keeping Tierra because I’m starting to figure out why she is the woman she is… and why she attaches herself so strongly to men.” BECAUSE SHE HAS TENTACLES! You can’t escape the Kraken!

Ariel: “I don’t know what he’s looking for. I really don’t! Maybe it’s not me, but I know it’s not a half-woman, half-octopussy.” Well, not everyone can be part of Seanie’s world, except Ursula who gets to enjoy the firework display with him. Wait, haven’t we seen this before?!

Meanwhile…  the sun has long set on the third day. Under the sea she goes. Not the fairytale you all were expecting, huh?

At the rose ceremony, he picks the Belle of the ball first for discussion—tale as old as time. Belle finds this beast a bit unpredictable as of late. You know, perhaps there’s something there that wasn’t there before—like a horny peen. Belle is so confused… I’d hate to see Gaston show up down the road and try to win her back.

In other wings of the castle, Ursula wants to throw some fists—and not in the Jersey Shore kind of way.

Belle says Ariel was the sweetest person in the house and it was hard to watch their Prince throw that fish back. Ursula stomps out of the room to devilishly sing in front of a mirror: “Soon I’ll have that little mermaid and the ocean will be mine.”

Belle: “No one is jealous of that.”

Tiana is ready to make this the Bad Girls Disney Club, so she confronts Ursula, followed by Alice and Pocahontas.

Ursula: “I am not about to get threatened. I am so over this. I don’t even care. If I wanna go get engaged, I can easily go get engaged… no matter what I do, someone is always watching me.” Queue Prince Charming! “I will bite. I am a Scorpio, and I do bite and my stinger does come out when I get pissed.” Looks like I’ll be steering clear of Scorpios then!

Belle: “She needs a Xanax and to be sent home. Goodbye.”

The Prince wants to talk to Ursula who says it’s getting “out of control”. “I’m not doing anything to any of these girls… all of them are attacking me… for everything. I am such a nice girl, and no one gives me credit here.”

Sean: “I don’t want to be naïve, but I don’t want her boobies to leave either.” Clearly, this guy’s in Wonderland, so he looks to Alice for some advice. She describes Ursula as “cold” as the ocean she came from.

Pocahontas wishes Sean would see the all the colors of the wind and take back Ursula’s rose. And then as magic would have it, Sean rubs his lamp and out pops Genie Harrison to offer some words of wisdom. “You ain’t never had a friend like me, and if I asked you… ‘Do you see your wife in this room?’, I don’t think I’m getting a happy answer tonight.” So many princesses, so little time!

One by one, he picks a princess, except for Tiana. No surprise, though, because Sean is definitely no frog! As he walks her out, Jasmine can be seen whispering “Be scared.” Why? Because if anyone double crosses Ursula, they’ll have a place amongst her garden of decrepit merfolk.