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Archive for July, 2012

Sometimes I pee my pants

Posted by emzkbd on July 24, 2012

From the fairytale to the fans versus former floozies, another summer session of Bachelor Pad is upon us. Not only do the contestants get another shot at love, but they also get to forsake their dignity and fight for $250,000. Once again, I know who the final two couples are and how the final four couples shake out, with the exception of the winners, who will be announced when the show airs live in September, hopefully along with a Bachelor announcement (Go Sean!).

Chris Harrison couldn’t be more excited this go-around, probably hoping to scam on a vulnerable vixen. In case Bachelor fans forgot, the host with the most Prozac familiarizes us with some of this season’s contenders.

Who could forget Chris—the one with anger management issues? Chris is playing it cool like he should have been Emily Maynard’s fiancée so this time no one, and nothing, will keep him from winning. I’m talking to you, Blakeley’s fun-bags. Chris says he wants to meet Lindzi from Ben Flajnik’s season.

Lindzi, however, just wants to get back in the saddle. Is this going to be her mantra every season? Clearly she’s looking for a good ride.

Next up is Reid, who I shamelessly stalked on the internet after Jillian Harris’s season because he’s a realtor. I wanted him to sell me a house or let me move into his. Reid detests Ed, who Jillian picked after denying Reid twice. This time, Reid doesn’t want Ed messin’ with his game. Payback is a bitch, Reid, and if the previews suggest anything, it’s probably who ends up with Ed.

What ain’t so bitch? Having two of this biggest terds reppin’ Chi-town. First Chris and now Ed, who admits there WAS some truth to those tabloids, which reported he had cheated on Jillian after the show ended. What a goon—blaming it on the media hoopla! This time, though, he hopes to win the money, and maybe an ad spot with Valtrex.

Someone else who’s probably seen a lot of warts? Blakeley, who left modeling to become a waxer. I’m sure an aesthetician does not even fall into the same salary bracket as a stripper. Poor Blakeley says she loves Jaclyn—who will here forth be known as Hatchet Face—but Jaclyn actually calls them “frenemies.”

Last but not least, Kalon is pretty sure America hates him for speaking his mind. Kalon hopes to ruin our frickin’ summer, but I have a feeling he will make it quite entertaining.

During last season, the show promoted the possibility of fans versus their favorites, and all of my girlfriends urged me apply. Well, I didn’t want to take off my top, make out with my sister, or drone on about finding love. But here’s who DID make the cut:

Paige – Ohmigod, OMG, oh-em-jee, looks like we have a stage two clinger on our hands. See, she’s already doing her research on Chris. “Yahahahahaha you’re my partner. When I see everyone, I’m gonna pee my pants, which has happened before.” Well, if things work out for her, maybe she can market Depends to the twenty-something crowd.

SWAT – I didn’t care to learn his real name. He likes to put on his jammy-wammies, pour a glass of wine, and masturbate to The Bachelor. Anyone else creeped out by this guy, hand in pants, spankin’ it to Emily?

Donna – She claims to be the biggest Bachelor fan, but I think her REAL claim to fame will be to out-bounce Blakeley’s boobies. Like most women in America, she’s also obsessed with the Stag, hates Holly, and intends to challenge Blakeley to a pole dance-off in bikinis.

David – I think he thought he was applying to be the next castmate on Jersey Shore, but oh wait, the twins already did that.

Brittany and Erica – A virgin and a whore—they’ll fit right in; then again, with their ugly faces and speech impediments, they’ll also stand out as the first white trash contestants.

So now it’s time to throw them all together. Everyone starts to arrive at the whore house mansion. Chris says he hopes to heal from his breakup with Emily and use the “L” word sparingly this season. Lindzi arrives with enough cheek stain to be mistaken for an Indian squaw. All she needs is some fringed animal hide, a feather and a papoose! Oh yeah, and how about a horse?

Before he forgets his name, Ed chats with Chris Harrison and tells him he packed those short green shorts. Upon hearing that, I’m sure America mistook Chris’ pallor for arousal. Inside, Lindzi can’t stop talking about horses—she can’t decide which stallion she wants to bridle—and Ed is trying to control his raging boner from Rachel to Sarah, who couldn’t tell the difference between Brad Womack and his twin. I’m pretty sure that’s all she’s known for. Ryan also has had little face time; he’s a 32-year-old virgin in a 64-year-old (sober) man’s body.

Shortly thereafter, Reid and Ed have some (sexual) tension. Must have been those shorts! Wink! You think those made you cringe, wait until you see Hatchet Face, who hates her Fakeley frenemy so much it hurts. Tony arrives; no one cares. Hatchet and Rachel are too busy trash-talkin’ Blakeley—she talks in baby voices, she’s not an intelligent person, she’s not a normal person, her personality (and cleavage) is IN YOUR FACE. Yep, sounds like a stripper to me! I think she wore that outfit so she could take it off… slowly!

Later, the champion Mike Stagliano returns. The Stag just can’t score the lead as The Bachelor, so he’s going to re-submit his app to Bachelor Pad until he’s engaged to someone. Take that Holly! Ericka Rose is also back… for her third straight season. She says she knows Kalon from the Houston social scene, and she admits to selling him out to the tabloids. That’s funny! I don’t remember seeing any nude Kalon pics. She also equates him to Christian Bale in American Psycho. So again, does that mean we’ll be seeing him naked soon? Maybe flexing while thrusting in front of a mirror?? Ericka says Kalon makes fun of her appearance, which she’s worked really hard to perfect— nipping, tucking, sucking, plucking, plumping, etc.

While Ericka is bashing Kalon, Sarah is whining about putting in her time and putting out for other alums (ahem, Reid), so she deserves to be there. She also thinks the fans are going to sniff their underwear because that’s the first thing I’d want to do if I met the Stag. Dogs know what they’re doing!

Now it’s time for the fans to arrive. Donna is a squealer, which means I’m sure we’ll know it’s her under the covers. SWAT has a crush on Chris Harrison (he takes a picture), and Paige crushes on the other Chris (the Stag, standing nearby, runs for the hills). When the twinsies arrive in matching outfits, Ericka Rose declares there’s only room for one set of twins… and she meant Blakeley’s.

As the night continues, Tony shows off his kid, and Ed shows off his future kids… or at least where they’ll come from. Even Chris Harrison was shocked (or turned on) by Ed in his skivvies, until he wanted to drown him in the pool.

Chris Harrison magically appears to tell them the first competition is the following day, and as Stag put it, everyone freaked out—ohmigod, who’s my partner?

Reid: Would you be my partner?

Paige: Yes, I’d love to be your partner.

Reid: Ok {walks away}.

He said it was easy to remember—read the page… Reid/Paige.  Meanwhile, Blakeley tagged Chris as her partner, or threatened to donkey punch him in the throat if he said no. I think Chris has met his match. Hatchet Face ended up with Michael Phelps Ed. “It’s not a hot tub… it’s a cold tub!” That’s quite an observation!

At the first challenge, the couples have to balance in tilting hearts.  No surprise Ericka Rose fell first; once a fatty, always a fatty. In the end, David and the twins won the first challenge, putting a huge target on their backs; although I think walking in the door actually sealed their fate. The three of them get a romantic date, during which I’m sure David fantasized about threesome. Not sure how that Eiffel Tower would work. David compares their carnival date to all previous Bachelor/Bachelorette dates, including skinny-dipping like Ben and Courtney. If I had to guess, I’d say it was the virgin who swam in her bikini.

Back at the house, Blakeley pees on Chris, thereby marking her territory, but the fire hydrant wanders off in search of a lap dance. Just because they paired up, doesn’t mean the guys aren’t going to see if the grass is greener. Hatchet Face informs “I-don’t-want-him-distracted-by-boobs” Blakeley that Jamie is using her sex to reel in Chris.

In turn, Miss Ironic goes on a witch hunt and catches Chris and Jamie canoodling. Without further ado, she has a meltdown, screaming, “But I told you I liked you,” which Chris somehow couldn’t relate to. Blakeley continues her tantrum, saying the money isn’t worth it. What did you expect? Patty-cake and Pretty Pretty Princess?

The next day, everyone is strategizing who to send home, and David marks Ericka Rose and Nick as targets, since they already have a vote against them for their poor display in the challenge. As a result, Ericka bawls like a five year old then takes the high road by calling David an ugly loser who shouldn’t even be there.

Rose ceremony time! “I know that guy!” That would be the rainbow-pooping Chris Harrison himself, clinking his champagne flute and scoping out the hunnies for his own private hose ceremony in the cold tub.

Paige think she found Prince Charming. But the Stag tells Reid that the guys are pitching tents for double D-Donna and plan to vote off prim and prudish Paige, cutting her fairytale short. So Reid goes on a crusade to save his damsel. Everyone is scattering, panicking, fuming, and Kalon is telling everyone what they want to hear.

If only SWAT had taken his ego out of the equation and voted for Ericka Rose, then maybe he and Paige and SWAT would still be here next week. But who am I kidding? The fans don’t stand a chance!

By the way, I love how Chris Harrison scooted off in Kalon’s Porsche, giggling like a teenage boy on ‘shrooms. Sayonara, muthafucka!


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Love potion number nein

Posted by emzkbd on July 23, 2012

That’s German for “no.” {shakes head}

Tonight was the premiere of Bachelor Pad 3, but before we get to that (tomorrow), I need to phase out Emily’s season. Since I knew who she chose and how things went down, I didn’t watch the live finale… only because I was driving back from St. Louis, but I was thisclose to convincing my boyfriend to watch it with me. I’ll get him one of these days… then maybe he can be a fan competing on Bachelor Pad 4.

Anyway, last night Emily pretended she didn’t know who she would choose, but let’s face it, Jef’s been a front runner from the start. Like Jesse Csincsak, the quirky guys who start as friends tend to stand out with the Bachelorettes.

Emily’s family, including little Ricki, arrive in Curacao. Emily isn’t sure if she wants the guys to meet her indentured servant. Her family, minus Ricki, meet Jef first, who admitted his family was skeptical about the process, mainly because Emily didn’t fit the mold of the other sister wives in their clan.

Emily’s mom says she loved Brad, but I’m sure that was because of his affluent assets.  Emily’s brother also has a few things to say, but I was distracted because he looks like “Jaws” from the Roger Moore James Bond films. He’s not very animated but he is somewhat intimidating, and he talks out the side of his mouth like the Jaws character might do.  

From one steel jaw to the next, Jef asked Emily’s father’s permission to marry her, and because Jef has a multi-million dollar company with investments hidden in his pompadour, he agreed.

Next up, Arie meets the fam but endures a lot of awkward pauses. Clearly, this family has had enough of the interview process. “Oh you’re a race car driver? Been there, done that.”

Not sure who he’s wooing, Arie gives Emily’s family the roses that she presented him. Sort of ironic that one of the final two would give BACK the roses, and I’m sure her family was like, “Uh, that’s an odd bouquet of flowers. Maybe we can sell them on eBay to fans of the show since you’re not sticking around.”

Arie confesses he misses his ex’s kids right before he asks for Emily’s hand. Dude obviously doesn’t have his priorities straight. “Sure, you can marry my daughter, and feel free to adopt your ex’s kids while you’re at it.” He feels confident that the next time he sees her family he’ll be engaged… in a hand party maybe… while watching her live televised wedding to Jef.

Afterward, Emily’s dad tells her that she can’t really be in love with two people, but I love my boyfriend AND Channing Tatum so I think he’s wrong. Emily’s mom also thinks she should wait on an engagement… wouldn’t want Kim K.’s wedding fallout.

Now’s the hard part! Emily and her mini-me have to decide what to order from room service. Then Emily has her last date with Jef, and all we hear is love, love, love, lovelovelove. Jef really wants to meet Ricki,  and he knows how to turn the tables—he asks Emily how she’d feel in his shoes, and she says it would be weird. This wears her down, and she agrees to let him meet Ricki. So they admire Ricki’s swimming skills, watch crabs, play with puppets—all natural bonding experiences.

Later, Emily tells Jef that Ricki wants to see him again. It must be weird to have a crush on your future step dad! Emily and Jef make out a little bit, and then Jef gives her a book about Curacao, in which he drew creepy little stick figures. Then he confesses what he really wants: “Emily knows I like to mess around and have fun.” With that Emily sends him and his blue balls off to bed.

An interesting part of the finale? Chris Harrison’s interruptive screen time, live in studio, pulling a Maury Povich. Let’s ask the audience what they think of Jef. Blah blah blah… we’re all experts on what’s best for Emily. I enjoyed the one viewer’s response: “I hope she picks Arie, so the rest of America can have Jef.” I hope I’m number 69!

The next morning, in Curacao time, Emily meets with Mr. Harrison because he really is the subject matter expert on getting dumped. Emily knows she wants Jef, but she feels so bad letting Arie go. She’s about to pull an Ali—she knows she can’t go any further with Arie. To make things most awkward, Arie arrives first for their doomed date and meets a local voodoo woman who will show him how to make a love potion. Too bad this is the movie version with Sandra Bullock! Arie could have pulled a Tate Donovan, sabotaged her wine glass, and kissed her until he tasted the sweat of a mule.

Well Arie did show her the love potion, and he starts to get sexy with her. That’s nice! But Emily is only stalling, trying to hold back the flood gates. After numerous sobs, she admits he’s not the one even though she thought he would be the whole time.

Of all the breakups, I’ll give ABC this—Arie’s reaction is the most raw and probably the most dramatic. The only other guy that came close was Ben with Ashley. Arie wishes her good luck, says he doesn’t know what to say, and thought he knew what she wanted but he was wrong. A gracious and honest exit overall!

After Arie’s parting words in the vehicle, the audience appears comatose, like a graveyard of viewers. Chris Harrison: “The toughest breakup I think I’ve ever seen on this show… clearly deeply affected everyone here in our studio audience.” Or did you just sedate them?

Returning from commercial, Chris speaks with Ashley and JP who empathize with Emily and Arie, Deanna who commends Emily’s actions, Mike Stag who confirms Arie could be a future contender on Bachelor Pad 4, and Ashley Spivey… well I don’t really know WHY she was there.

The next day in Curacao, Emily is getting ready and dreaming about Jef. Meanwhile, Jef is picking out Emily’s ring with Neil Lane and dreaming about Emily. These two can’t wait to get naked.

So without further ado, twenty four hours after the fact, Jef and Emily get engaged, and sure maybe that pause was “Do I really want to do this again?” but she couldn’t pull a Womack, not this late in the game. I guess only time will tell. And what happened to “My Heart Will Go On”? Instead, we get Peter Cetera’s “Glory of Love”. Why do I always feel like we’re back in the 70’s, 80’s or 90’s with these songs?

During the ATFR, Emily insults Neil Lane, saying the ring means nothing and she’d rather have a piece of tape around her finger. No, take this hideous $68,000 ring away from me. Later, Arie recounts his pain from the breakup but says watching it helped him cope. That and the thought that maybe all that grooming will earn him the coveted role of The Bachelor.

Arie also confesses he flew to North Carolina after the show wrapped, intending to see Emily, but changed his mind about seeing her when he got there. Instead, he left his journal for Emily to read. Emily has it—still in its packaging—and Arie looks pissed. After all, if she’d just read it with all its creepy sexual undertones, I’m sure she would have gone crawling back. Emily says she encouraged Arie to keep a journal but she couldn’t read it out of respect for Arie and Jef because it wouldn’t have changed anything. Again, Arie wishes she had just been direct and said don’t put your peen in my face.

Last but not least, we learn Jef and Arie are still butt buddies, but Jef prefers Emily’s butt so he’s moving to Charlotte. The End

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Just another Maynard Monday!

Posted by emzkbd on July 17, 2012

Yes, we wish it were Sunday… because that’ll be a funday. I’m not buying what the promos are selling. I do think she picks someone, and during the After the Final Rose (ATFR) I believe she’ll tell us that she’s already moved in with her man or they have set a wedding date. Originally, I thought she’d confess to being preggo, but after all she did to set a good example for her daughter, I doubt she’d have gone and got herself knocked up.

Although that would make it THE MOST DRAMATIC FINALE EVER!!! It never gets old, Chris… and neither do you! Let me have your babies? I wonder if he’ll still be hosting the Bachelor franchise when he’s 60.

During last night’s Men Tell All (MTA), Emily had a pre-taped interview with Chris to discuss her journey—obvious filler because Emily can’t carry a live conversation. The episode basically revisited the season’s memorable moments and characters. Nothing we didn’t already know: Ryan is a womanizer, Kalon is a douche, and Sean is a sweetheart.

Before they got to the bloopers, they had to show us boring never-before-seen clips, including spilling wine, singing to an egg, peeping toms and dirty doofy dancing. But the hands-down best part of the night was the preview for Bachelor Pad, which will undoubtedly be the overdose of my Bachelor addiction.

So many tears, and you know what that means? UGLY CRIES!  Look it’s Dawson. One who did it best—Hatchet Face! And to think she hooks up with Ed, although I never thought he was that cute in the first place. Then it looks like someone gets attacked WITH A BUTCHER KNIFE! Dun dun dun! Rachel is heard saying “money is ugly,” but I insist she was referring to Hatchet Face. Chris Harrison’s narration says it will be the sexiest season yet, although Jamie is looking more sleazy then sultry, diving into the pool topless.

Mike Stag is back, and I can’t wait to see who he slips the tongue to while tearfully recalling his breakup with Holly. Blakeley needs the money real bad because there has to be SOME part of her body left which needs a nip or tuck. Someone is heard saying “she’d throw her body at a dead dog if it’ll get her ahead in life.” How morbid… make it a cat instead!

Looks like there’ll be a lot of hookups, too, which means Ericka Rose will be giving away free handies again this year. And Ed, what DOES it take to be a “professional liar”? I’m thinking you’re the best guy to answer that question.

I’m not sure which I’m more excited to see—the ribbon dancing floor routine, the spelling bee, or the Reid versus Ed showdown. That and Chris trades in Blakeley and Jamie for ???? I hope the women use his line: “I TOLD YOU I LOVED YOU.”

Later when Chris introduced the dudes, the audience swoons for Sean. I bet women all over the U.S. went to get their eggs frozen for him today. A whole lot of panty-dropping goin’ on! On the other end of the spectrum, women went dry went it came to Kalon. And what was Wolf thinking with those pink pants? I guess he had to be the quirky one since Jef wasn’t around.

A montage recaps the drama, specifically Dougie Downer, Kocky Kalon, and Arrogant Ass Ryan. Coming back, Chris admits to being immature and reignites the 20 something boys versus 30 something men argument, but yes, I think Doug was generalizing younger guys. Based on Chris’s behavior though, it’s clear he wasn’t ready for a mature relationship, which I’m sure carries on to Bachelor Pad.

From a group discussion to rapid fire at Kalon, Chris calls him into the hot seat, where he takes shots from his helicopter entrance to his “baggage” claim.

Interestingly enough, Kalon says he’s good friends with Chris and Tony, who appear to be a little embarrassed to be recognized as such.

I think Kalon took a little too much heat for that “baggage” comment because honestly there are a lot of people who wouldn’t date someone with a kid because it IS baggage. Since it’s not a priority for me to have kids and I could write the book about bad parenting by walking through a department store, I think that’s a fair statement, not necessarily meant to insult. It’s just that people take it personally because they think they gave birth to an angel who is probably more like the antichrist. I would never go looking for someone with a kid, and like Kalon, I think anything can happen if it’s meant to be.

One of the best lines of the night came from Chris Harrison’s assessment of Kalon on the Shakespeare: “Hey sweetie, why don’t you go get some soup? It’s cold outside. Instead, it’s ‘piss off’!”

Kalon’s comment that “America likes things sugarcoated” was also accurate, which is why so many people call foul about this or that. Would I date a guy like Kalon? Probably not, but it would be fun to watch the monkey in its natural habitat.

To conclude the man-bashing, Sean woos the audience (and dare I say Bachelor producers) when he said “you love a woman and embrace every part of her.” I came… twice.  Come on, make THIS guy the next Bachelor so I can touch myself every Monday before bed.

Next up is Ryan, who DIDN’T want to be edited as an arrogant ass, but then there are his comments like “I’ve been blessed with so many worldly gifts!” Couldn’t really help that one! I guarantee there are women out there who would fall hook, line and sinker for guys like him. “Why, yes sir, I’d love to be your trophy wife and fake ‘n bake for life!”

When Chris questions Ryan’s behavior, the two have a confrontation in which I swear Chris was going to yell “BUT I TOLD YOU I LOVE YOU, TOO!” He was so irritating during the show because he always wanted to have the floor, but he NEVER got to the point. He also looked really scary… maybe he’s the one playing Mike Myers with the butcher knife on Bachelor Pad.

Another one of Ryan’s comments that was critiqued was his extra pushin’ for the cushion comment. If Emily said, quote, I’m going to sit on the couch and eat cheeseburgers and get fat, well then yeah, I would agree with Ryan. I wouldn’t love on her as much either. Sex is like a sport—you gotta have stamina.

While reviewing my notes, I noticed I didn’t make ANY for Chris’s hot seat time. You know, at first I cheered for this guy, probably because of his likeness to Gerard Butler, but then he got too needy and overly-emotional. I did read in an interview that the reason for his fury was because he lost a close friend to a car accident before filming started. Tragic, but I’m wondering if his anger issues run deeper. Guess we’ll find out next week!

Last in the hot seat, Sean is such a gracious man, so gracious that I would give myself to him… missionary, cowgirl, doggie style, you name it! I’m sure he’s not inadequate in any way, what with those bulging muscles and his big peen key, which he can stick in my lock and twist it and turn it until it just comes unhinged.

Before the night is over, Emily makes an appearance and admits she is an ugly crier. Who knew? The horrific sobs of a dying turkey sure didn’t give it away. She also asks the rhetorical question: “What girl (or guy) wouldn’t want Sean?” Obviously, I don’t need to answer that.

Kalon tries to apologize/wish her the best, but Emily thinks Kalon should be a politician. Why? Maybe because he likes blow j’s in his chopper, but she claims she saw a picture that said “A picture of a baggage claim… thought for sure I’d see Emily Maynard here.” Now, that shit’s funny… the bloopers? Not so much, except maybe Emily’s fascination with tatooed, homeless men. I guess if it doesn’t work out with Jef or Arie… which again I’m sure enticed viewers even more when Chris Harrison refused to ask Emily how she’s doing now. My sister said, “See? I bet she doesn’t pick either of them.” Nope, only more reason to believe she’s got a bun in the oven. Until Sunday Funday!

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Good on paper… bad in bed?

Posted by emzkbd on July 10, 2012

Yeah sure, it’s a Sex and the City quote, but I think Emily was haunted by this theory in last night’s episode. Now up until last week, I read speculation that Arie would get the boot because of all that “he-dated-a-producer” drama. Then the spoilers spilt, and I found out how the final three really shook out. Let’s take a trip down memory lane, shall we?

Emily and her final three suitors arrived in Curacao—which, by the way, I was waiting all night for someone to mispronounce it. You can tell they all take their time enunciating it properly. The episode begins with Emily reminiscing on the beach about her time with each guy. Man, we’re so close to the most dramatic conclusion where Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” serenades Emily and her fiancée. Mark my words!

Emily says there was love at first sight with Sean, which makes him sound like a contender. He also reiterates he would be a great dad. It seems like he’s more ready to be a father than a husband. Emily says Sean only wants to get married once. Uhhh… doesn’t everyone? “Yes, I can’t wait for husband number three. The first one’s a warm-up, the second one’s practice, but the third one’s the big game.”

Bachelor number two, Jef, is the one who marches to his own drum, according to Emily. He also throws skateboards, molests puppets, and plagiarizes romantic literature. Ok, maybe not that last one, but can you imagine if Ricki was around when he was angry or horny? Objects would be flying, and Barbie dolls would be humping. All this makes Emily laugh, and what’s physical and emotional abuse compared to a sense of humor, super-tight jeans, and a Bieber poof? Right, next contestant…

Arie makes Emily’s panties melt. She says their connection was immediate, but maybe because he was trained that way. Emily also thinks he’s funny, which means Sean is clearly as amusing as a dying old person hooked up to a respirator. She gets choked up talking about their future, saying he would adore her forever, or until forever makes him the next Bachelor.

Before her soul-searching ends, she writes “Emily + ?” in the beach… because etching your troubles in the sand is the way to true clarity.

Emily’s first date is with Sean, who is wearing Toms, which I’ve been advised are shoes worn by men-seeking-men. He’s also sporting some man-cleav. Sean doesn’t know how to say “I love you,” much like my boyfriend. Maybe I should pit him against two other dudes and then he’ll feel the pressure.

Emily and Sean have a snooze-fest on the beach. Sean says his exes were “buddies,” which makes me think they were dogs—literally or figuratively. Emily says Sean’s sister told her that he doesn’t want to get the girl attached, which also leads me to believe he used them as beards. All the long, awkward pauses suggest he might come out on national TV, but instead, he wanted to snorkel. They could have rolled around in the sand, sexing on the beach, but dude wanted to snorkel. Evidently he likes things in his mouth that he can suck and blow.

Sean says no one has measured up to Emily… which means everyone before her had pecs and peens. He also wants to be a soccer dad, and he wrote a dad-to-be letter to a kid he’s never met. Who’s he proposing to here? “Assuming this works out, here’s all the things I want for our daughter Ricki. If it doesn’t, then I really hope this doesn’t haunt me if I date another single mom because then I’m screwed.” Sean, you can stop fooling us. You and your gay lover can hire a surrogate, and all will be right with your world.

Emily offers Sean the fantasy suite card, and he sees this as another opportunity to reinforce his heterosexual cover—hot tub sex machine. Emily wants to stay the night with him, but then her gut is telling her to call it a night. Honey, if I were half-naked with a guy that looked like Sean, my gut would be telling me to ditch the rest of my clothes and find some contraception STAT.

Needless to say, the glass slipper did not fit. Cinderella had to give Prince Charming an early boot because his pumpkin peen did not go from six to midnight.

Next up, Jef says he’s ready to propose, but first Emily tells him they’re taking out a boat for the day. His response: “Ah-MAHZ-ing!” My friend Kait hates the way he says that (no, not in the Penny-from-Happy Endings way). Listen! It’s one of his favorite words.

Jef says his parents really want to meet Emily so they can assess her fertility. He then proceeds to ask A TON of questions about their future and profess that he’s never met two people more compatible. He also made some doofy metaphor about how their relationship was like a masterpiece being painted. Let’s hope their relationship doesn’t end like Titanic then.

Jef, like Sean, is so eager to be a dad. Come on, guys, haven’t you seen Problem Child? She could be the anti-Christ, which is why, rather than share a creepy note, Jef inquires about life with this alien child. Jef also wants to know where she wants to live, and Emily says she’s ready to move on to his family’s 500 acre ranch.

The conversation moves to her previous relationships—namely Sean. “I’ve dated guys who are good on paper, but I’m looking for things that you can’t put on paper, like a sense of humor… makes me smiles and feel confident. Well, I guess you could put those on paper, so how ‘bout he’s not in to dudes. Oh and I was picturing you with me when I was making lunch for Ricki. I already called Ashley Hebert and JP Rosenbaum for a double date, so don’t make any plans post-season.”

Emily offers Jef the fantasy suite card, and he gives it to her straight. “I want to bang you, but not if you’re thinking about your kid, your parents, my family, or anyone else for that matter. Plus, it sounds like we’re getting married, so I can keep it in my pants for awhile longer, a.k.a. ‘bridle these passions’.” Whoa, there boy! Dial it back a notch! She’s still got one more date! And like Sean, she set that horsey free to go back to his individual room and make a hand party.

Arie runs up for his date with Emily like a doofus. Arie, too, can’t wait to propose to Emily… that and kiss the be-Jesus out of her face. Before the face rape, Arie and Emily swim with a dolphin. Because of this intimate moment, Emily realizes Arie isn’t scared of anything… or maybe he’s just not scared of dolphins.

Later, Arie and Emily spend the rest of the date kissing. If their kissing were compared to sex, he would have screwed her mouth fifty shades of Sunday. At dinner, Emily wants to go beyond their chemistry and find out what Arie does on a Tuesday morning.

Arie: “I wake up at 9:00, read my manuscript How to Get the Final Rose on ‘The Bachelorette’ and maybe go to the shop.”

Arie also asks the probing questions: where should we live, what do you want in a father figure for Ricki, etc. But Emily turns the table, wanting to know how he would handle the transition.

Arie: “It’s such a slow progression. First, I want to be Ricki’s friend, earn her trust, maybe buy her some candy. Then it’ll become more. There should never be a rush. It should be easy, fun, and lighthearted, not at all like that Jaycee Dugard case. You should be their buddy.”

Afterward, Emily completely loses her panties. “Arie is so good-looking. I want to touch him.” Rather than offer the fantasy suite card, she doesn’t even mention it. In fact, she smooches him while telling us through her horny tears that she wishes she could marry all these guys because they have a special place in her heart.

Before the rose ceremony, Emily and a puffy-eyed, divorce-pending Chris Harrison have a chat, where she tells him she is falling in love with each of the guys in her own way and she doesn’t want her TV exposure to end. Emily hopes she makes the right choice, but if she doesn’t then she can always pull a Mesnick and pick her runner-up.

Chris leaves her with video messages from each of the guys, which all sound scripted. They all tell her they love her and they’re ready for the next step—blah blah blah. She knows she’s about to blindside Sean—teaching him the lesson of heartbreak—so we see her crying and sobbing like someone just died. Don’t be sad, Emily! He’ll make a young man very happy someday.

When Emily picked Arie, it looked like Sean was as red as the rose. They sat down before he drove off, and Emily couldn’t give him any closure—just tears. Poor guy says he felt stupid and she should know it’s going to hurt him. He also tells her that he’ll miss her more than she’ll know. Anyone else felt like they were watching the end of Practical Magic or The Notebook? I wanted him to drive off, comeback, and live happily ever after, despite his sexual confusion. (He was my pick from the get-go.) Then, all I wanted was one tear, but he barely got misty. This guy is the male version of Emily Maynard during Brad’s season, which is why I think he’d be an excellent Bachelor. He is the “perfect” guy on paper, albeit a little boring, but give him the lead, and I bet we’d see him open up! I promise then I wouldn’t make any more gay jabs, unless he came on to the newly single Chris Harrison.

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Hammerhead peen… it just seemed like a good title

Posted by emzkbd on July 3, 2012

With only three episodes to go, it is finally upon us. The day Reality Steve unveiled who receives Emily’s final rose. No worries! I won’t spoil the ending. In fact, I removed a paragraph I wrote last night before I found out the news, in which I suggested who she’d pick and why. Looks like I was right, but I’ll save that for the final blog.

As for last night, Emily made her rounds to the remaining four guys’ hometowns, but before she hit the road, she got to spend some quality time with her “sweet girl,” although I’m willing to bet Ricki is a devil child… the kind they make horrow movies about. To make their time extra special, Emily told Ricki she could sleep in her bed. Now I’m not a parent, but something tells me that encouraging that kind of behavior is what leads to sexless marriages.

Emily then gives her generic summations of all the guys, and one thing I noticed right away is that Emily lets us know that Chris doesn’t hold a candle (or a rose) next to Jef. “Chris is great blah blah blah, but then there’s Jef.” She also does the same transition from Arie to Sean.

She goes on to say nice things about her four suitors, making it near impossible to determine who could be Emily’s Mister Right. I know how we can settle this! Boys, drop your pants and plop your peens out for perusing.

Side note: The most interesting part of having a blog is observing the search words people input to reach my site. One day last week, someone searched “hammerhead peen” and came upon my page. Now, I assume that would be my post Bachelor Ben hosts Shark Week; however, I don’t recall using those two words in the same sentence until now, and I must say it does sound intriguing. What would that even look like? So I googled it, but all I got were a bunch of hammers and a few hammerhead sharks… no peens.

Moving on… Emily locks her door before climbing into bed with her daughter. Gotta keep the rapists and perverts out! At least that’s what my sister tells me.

First stop on the cross country tour, Emily met Chris in Chicago. Now, Chris is actually from the ‘burbs, like me, but when we travel, we just say Chicago. It’s easier that way. So to look cool, he acted like Vince Vaughn and escorted her around to all the hotspots in Chi-town. Unfortunately, I think Emily enjoyed the city more than Chris’s company. She must have also been on her period because those were some RED pants.

During their alone time, Chris apologized for being such a dick on the two-on-one, and Emily fake apologizes for not abolishing the rose on that date. Emily also shook her fist at Chris… suggesting the monster cockslap Sean would give him if he acted like a douche again.

Then it’s my favorite part, where parents turn into salesmen, convincing the bachelor or bachelorette that their daughter or son is the best thing since a pair of pruning shears. Gotta single out one rose in that bush, Miss Emily!

I also noticed Chris’s blonde sister looks like she was adopted. Maybe wanted to make Emily feel more comfortable in a house full of crazy costumed dancers.  His sister pretty much threatens Emily: “You dump my brother, or I’ll impersonate you FOR LIFE!” Guess Emily took that conversation to heart!

Meanwhile, Chris has no idea his sister confessed her undying love for him threw him under the bus, so he drops the “L” word in a last ditch effort to secure third place. He tells Emily he has never told another person that’s he in love with them, thereby setting him up for countless amounts of ass on Bachelor Pad.

Next stop, Emily heads to Utah to see Jef at what appears to be a multi-million dollar estate. Cha-ching! Sold to the sweetest golddigger you ever did see! Jef wants to show Emily his pride lands so he straps her into his buggy like Christian strapped Ana into his helicopter. I’m sure Jef told her how he likes her in a harness, too, you dirty boy!

When I’m done fantasizing, I come to and realize Jef is wearing his trademark super skinny jeans—definitely no Christian Grey! Emily thinks he’s a little more country than he wants people to know, and she’s a little more of a crackshot than she wants Jef to know. He tried to act all macho by hitting every clay pigeon, but Emily out-gunned him… in a dress.

During this interlude, Jef shploogs in his pants every time Emily cocks it… the gun, I mean. Emily confessed to taking shooting lessons back home, so if Jef’s family doesn’t like her, she’ll be lining ‘em up for a firing squad. Isn’t that what they do in the wild West?

After Jef changes into another pair of his kid sister’s jeans, he introduces Emily to his family, minus mom and pop. All I got is HOLY MORMON FAMILY! There were toddlers running around like chickens in a henhouse. Jef’s brother Steve to Emily: “Cheers to having you here, and sharing our need to procreate eternally!”

Prophet Steve wants to first ensure Emily is good breeding stock, and then Emily drinks kool-aid with the sisterwives. She asks if Jef is ready for marriage and a six-year-old. There’s a long pause and a kid starts crying. Clearly, the sisterwives are already planning the births of Emily’s nine other children.

Jef tells his brother that Emily is the “coolest girl in the world,” but Prophet Steve doubts his brother’s intentions. He doesn’t think Jef is ready to take on a multitude of wives and father a brood of children to rival the Duggars.

As I was taking notes, I realized I had flipped over to The Notebook. Oh no, that was just Jef reciting his love letter. Take that Ryan, and your stupid list of qualities you look for in a trophy wife!

And we’re racing on to the next hometown in Arizona. Get it? Because Arie looks “stupid hot” in that Indy car! Emily’s words, not mine. He takes her for a spin, and I’m sure a lot people were concerned that this would break Emily’s spirit because she was engaged to a race car driver. Come on, it’s not like he died that way. Hell, it probably brought back memories when Ricky Bobby waxed his hood with her ass… if you know what I mean. She’ll be cumming around the racetrack when she comes, YEE HAW, she’ll be cumming around the racetrack when she comes!

Emily says racing could become one of her passions; although I’m starting to think she has multiple personality disorder. I thought it was one of her passions… maybe she has early-onset Alzheimer’s, which would fall in line with Jef’s Notebook storyline.

Anyway, Arie starts intimidating Emily by saying his parents are “very European.” Then what may I ask were Chris’s parents? Cultural enthusiasts?

Midway through their picnic, the lake started to ejaculate which captivated this twosome. Arie tells Emily that anything his parent’s say negatively, he’ll put a positive spin on the translation. So how do you say “bitch” in Dutch? By the way, anyone else think Arie’s parents look like Arie and Emily in 20 years?

First off, Arie’s mom—what a bitch—interjects the conversation with her own private Dutch dialogue. No way would I want to put up with a conniving woman like that who undoubtedly sees no need to whisper behind your back when she can do it in her own language right in front of you.

Later, Arie and his dad have a conversation, and the pervy old man likes Emily’s sweet southern accent, amongst other things {titties}. You can also tell this family oozes cockiness and wants to win!

Arie’s mom: “I can’t wait ‘til she picks him.”

Arie’s dad: “I hope you make it to the end.”

Arie: “I’m definitely going to marry Emily.”

Last but not least, Sean introduces Emily to his simple life, not to be confused with simple-minded… because he’s from Texas.

Sean says he will never allow a girl to give herself to him unless he can reciprocate. Well, he can reciprocate on me all night long…

Emily describes Sean as a wholesome, well-rounded guy. With that description, dude could be the effin’ Pillsbury Doughboy! Woo Hoo!

And what’s with Kensington Cottage? I’m sure little Ricki would think the Queen and some dragons live there. Hell, I’d trade my mortgage for that sweet lil’ lodge in Sean’s parents’ backyard. Make it that much easier to catch him in his skivvies!

Sean tries to convince Emily he still lives at home, and I think Emily, like the viewers, might have started to re-think Sean’s sexuality. His room looks like a gay frat house with all those stuffed animals, milk & cookies and butt plugs lying around. Oh, that was a football? I just thought Sean was a big guy. Hut, hut, HIKE!

Later, Sean and his dad catch up, and his dad wants to know what Sean REALLY likes about Emily. Sean does not hesitate: “Her sweet, sweet ass!” Okay, so maybe he’s a straight shooter.

Then again, he makes another comment like this: “I don’t normally give myself to girls… after all those college days I spent in the locker room with those tight ends.” Not sure which team he’s playing for anymore!

After Sean’s family is done trying to make us laugh, Emily gives Sean a PG kiss and sends him off with a “Bye, honey!” But Sean hasn’t ejaculated in months, so all that testosterone sends him tearing after her car like a mad man. I bet if Emily marries another guy on national TV, we’ll see Sean running down the aisle after her.

Before the rose ceremony, Emily sits down with her BFF Chris to girl-talk about the hometown visits. She says up until that night, there’d always been an obvious choice to send home. Yeah, Dougie Downer, Wolf Man, Egg Man, EgoMANiac, the list goes on.

I also think Emily wanted to see Sean sweat since he was the only guy NOT to tell her he loves her. And with that, Emily took the advice from her bottle blonde sista and sent Chris home sooner rather than later.

Well, Chris was pissed, and you could tell he wanted to unleash another f-bomb tirade. Unfortunately, he won’t understand until he watches the episodes airing Arie’s, Jef’s and Sean’s tongues in her mouth. “I TOLD YOU I LOVED YOU!” Once in the limo, there it is “$#(*&$!” I think Chris and Kacie B. would make a cute unrequited couple, who might actually requite their breakups by getting together—take that Emily and Ben!

During his exit, Chris declared he was ten times the man than the other three, but I think that Scottish tournament a few weeks back proved he clearly wasn’t. Looks like next week we’ll find out which two will duke it out for Emily’s vagina and the chance to reciprocate happily ever after.

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