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Archive for September, 2012

Matthew McConaughey wins Bachelor Pad 3

Posted by emzkbd on September 11, 2012

It finally came and went, and no, I’m not talking about Chris in the bedroom. The Bachelor Pad 3 had to be one of the most epic conclusions to a Bachelor-esque season we’ve ever seen. I knew all along how it played out, but I still had to watch. Drama you hear/read just isn’t the same as the train wreck you witness.

Upon introductions of the cast, no one claps for the twins or Jamie, and the defending champ Michael gives the audience a homo-sexy wave. Sometimes I wonder how this one scores with the ladies!

Throughout the course of the finale, Chris Harrison takes a look back, and each time I fast-forward. If I wanted to re-cap the season’s best moments, I’d re-read my posts.

The first pressing topic to be addressed is the status of Kalon and Lindzi, who confirm they’re doing an LDR, but Ericka Rose chimes in with “Be careful”. Apparently, she claims he’s been seen with different women, to which Lindzi looks like a tanorexic deer in headlights. This all comes after Ericka Rose says she’s not good at lying or manipulating; somehow, I would disagree with that. Right, Reality Steve?

Next up, Michael hops into the hot seat to re-hash his dramatic exit and his relationship with Rachel. He admits to betraying Ericka Rose, but it was only because he couldn’t take her gaveling ways any longer. Michael also says he was not looking for a wife because it’s Bachelor Pad—cesspool of venereal disease.

Chris Harrison asks how things are with him and Rachel, to which Hatchet Face—who doesn’t appear too hatchet-y these days—insists “she’s not okay”. I guess their friendship is back on because I certainly don’t defend my frenemies. Michael called Rachel his “girlfriend” and “didn’t want to close the book” on their relationship, otherwise known as “friends with long distance benefits”.

 

Hatchet Face, who was apparently trying to be like Britney or Ashley, says she played the most loyal game. Taking away your best friend’s chance to win $250,000, it’s unforgivable so she damn well better get a Coach purse outta this.

Chris Harrison asks if there’s still animosity and she says she’s still angry and their friendship has never been the same. Hatchet Face claims she was the “Puppetmaster”, controlling the game, and I would tend to agree. She and Ed gave out a lot of roses, they were likable, and they had a hand in convincing a lot of people whom to vote for.

Blakeley, the aesthetician yearning for cable TV, steps into the hot seat in her very bohemian chic garb with color-blocking and cutouts. She does her best not to trash-talk Chris, but she does get into it with the Queen of the Nile—clearly, this one’s got wayyy too much going on.

Jamie: “Jaclyn claims I’m fake…”

Jaclyn: “You are…”

Blakeley: “You are…”

It all started with those eyelashes, honey! The Most Real Person You’ll Ever Meet calls Jamie socially awkward and unable to communicate with women, which is probably why she did that lap dance for Ben and not the other women during his season.

Back to Blakeley… Chris Harrison, did you even watch the show? It’s a “donkey-punch” to the throat. Blakeley gets so emotional while talking about her amazing man, or as America likes to call him “Mr. Pathetic.” Based on her speech, it’s evident that Tony was the first man to give her an orgasm.

Tony claims to have been creepin’ on her because he had a doofy crush but got friend-zoned instead. I guess now his ass is the only one she’ll have bleach because they announce they’re moving in together, but then Tony segways into the longest proposal EVER. Chris Harrison is about to pee his panties, while Blakeley looks like someone is gonna jump out and donkey-punch her in the throat—PSYCH!

At first, it looked she was gonna say “Are you kidding me? Get the fuck out. I can’t marry you after a month of hand-holding during reality show clip time.” But in the end, she said yes, and now she gets a lifetime of cable. So glad you found a new mommy for your son, Tony!

An hour in, the final two couples come out: Matthew McConaughey and his partner—the future Marlboro spokeswoman—and Gerard Butler and his whore.

 

Right off, Rachel targets Michael and his womanizing ways. She felt like their relationship was growing and they might have had something special after the show like Blakeley and Tony’s shotgun wedding. Michael just responds, “Yeah, we kissed, so what? I’m a musician, and I tell women what they want to hear all the time. That’s how I get laid. Bowchickabowwow.”

It sounds like Michael told her he didn’t want an LDR while they were cuddling and making out. Then weeks later, she found out he was dating someone else long distance. Been there, done that!

On the other hand, Nick says he stayed out of all the “stupid” drama. By referring to “stupid” he’s actually referring to Chris, who apparently took a beating from his parents for his mistreatment of Jamie and Blakeley. Jamie says Chris wouldn’t have been a great father for Emily’s daughter Ricki. Chris says it’s unfortunate she feels that way because the only baggage he has is moving to Maryland. More on that soon…

Chris Harrison lets the former castmates ask questions, and Hatchet Face wants to know why Rachel didn’t fight harder to bring her and Ed to the end. Rachel says “I wanted the money, bitch. Get over it!”

Chris Harrison asks the Lightening Rod for Controversy if he regrets his decisions, to which he responds, “No, it’s a game.” Blakeley points out that they [the former castmates] are the ones voting. David appreciates Chris’s gamer-side but says Chris lacked remorse for what he’d done to Blakeley and Jamie. Either Chris was high, like Nick was most of the time, or the editing was really bad because his rebuttal was there were no rules so he brought Ericka Rose into the deliberation room where she gave him a handy.

Sarah tries to defend Chris; everyone rolls their eyes. What did Chris learn? He has to juggle his women better. He plays the humbled card, telling everyone to vote for Sarah, not him. One thing never addressed though? Sarah and Chris’s relationship. Word has it that he just packed up from Chicago to open a restaurant in Maryland. Well, Sarah lives in St. Louis… but she is a bartender, so maybe Chris can give her a job and they can continue having sex in strange places.

On to the voting, where only the most important people are allowed to speak:

Michael gives Rachel (also Nick) a sympathy vote since she no longer gets to snuggle with his peen.

Jamie hates that Chris is banging Sarah, so she votes for Rachel & Nick (R&N).

Kalon is bros with Chris, so he throws a vote his way.

Ed votes for R&N. I really don’t know why. Chris is seen shaking his head in disgust. What’s weird is that Reality Steve says Ed and some other formers Bachelor/ette alums, including Graham, are backing Chris’s restaurant, so who knows?

Blakeley wants to donkey punch Chris in the throat. We already knew this. She gives her vote to R&N.

David appreciated Chris’s playa style, so he gives Chris & Sarah (C&S) a vote.

Ericka Rose’s vote is the other one that baffles me, since I thought she was friends with Rachel and Hatchet Face. Instead, she ended up tossing one to C&S.

Reid votes for R&N because Sarah gave him herpes.

Lindzi votes for R&N because she and Rachel used to split a carton of Reds during Ben’s season.

Donna votes for R&N because the gold digger wants to finish where she left off with Nick. See below.

Tony votes for R&N because if he voted the other way Blakeley would probably throw the ring at him.

Final vote—it comes down to the ex-BFF! Well played, Mr. Harrison!

Hatchet Face says she wants to stick to her loyal game, so she votes for R&N. The ex-besties hug it out! Turns out, all the remaining votes were for R&N anyway. Better luck next season, Chris! Hopefully you’ll have some fresh punani to fry!

It’s here that most of America figured out how the show would end because ABC likes to give it away in the previews. Since Rachel already had it out with Michael, there was only one other person left to get that angry at.

Rachel says she really trusts Nick, i.e. you better be voting “Share”, too! Nick confirms that by saying “we’re on the same page.” How it works: If both pick “share”, they split the money. If both pick “keep”, neither of them gets the money; the rest of the cast gets to split it. If one picks “keep” and the other picks “share”, then the one who picks “keep” gets to keep all the money.

They deliberate while everyone else speculates what they’ll decide. Hatchet Face wants Rachel to pick keep because she deserves it more. Strategist David says Nick has to be debating whether or not he’ll share with someone who wanted to go home. Good Christian Chris sees the light and thinks they’ll share, and Reid and Michael agree because no one can be that greedy—except Chris “SWAT” who would take the money and run to his Bachelor Pad hideout where he watches re-runs of the show in his underwear with a glass of vino and bottle of lube. Oh no, that’s just my Friday night!

(No bloopers this time—sad face—but the montage of Nick-knocking during the credits makes up for it.)

Rachel and Nick return with their quarter-million-dollar decisions, escorted by bodyguards in case someone tries to snatch ‘em. Rachel is up first. She wanted love and money, but she didn’t come on the show for half the money. However, she says she couldn’t win without a partner (or in her case, Hatchet Face) so she picked “share”.

Nick’s monologue is a little more honest and a lot more winded. He says no one would have predicted he could make it that far; Hatchet Face said he didn’t deserve to be there, and Ed said he was an “anonymous guy”. He did it all by himself because nobody cared what he did. Rachel never wanted to be his partner and tried to leave him three times; she was only thinking about Michael, so he picked “keep”… and the crowd goes wiiiiild.

I completely agree with this decision. He flew under the radar, and he helped win their final challenge. Then he convinced Rachel to bring Chris and Sarah because they would get more votes. Nick also made a great point: no one signed on to the show hoping to walk away with half the money. Rachel wants someone to punch Nick. I want her to stop smoking.

If it were me, unless I was partnered with a boyfriend or best friend, I would have kept the money, too. The only thing I can give Rachel is that, yes, being ripped from a relationship, as she was, would set you apart from the rest of the competitors. Then again, Kalon points out none of them “deserved” the money. It’s a game, and Nick is a schmuck with $250,000.

One of my favorite parts was when Michael tries to stand up for Rachel, saying Nick is ignoring someone right next to him who is completely devastated. Nick replies, “Well then console her. You weren’t sympathetic either.”

The music plays out; Nick rises and leaves, but Rachel chases him out. Hatchet Face is disgusted that she gave him $250,000, and Ericka Rose says if she were Rachel and didn’t end up with love or money, she’d kill herself.  Watching Rachel verbally attack Nick, I can’t help but imagine how her breakup with Michael played out.

Nick apologizes and says he has to go. Rachel: “Oh, I’m sorry, you have to go.” Nick: “I played this game brilliantly. Buh bye.” And off he goes to Vegas with his big bag of money! Maybe he should bet on the next Bachelor. Sounds like it’s going to be Sean, which will make for excellent TV this January when a ton of slutbags try to shove their panties in his pocket.

Until then, I hope to blog some alternative posts to keep you entertained—most likely discussions on movies, TV shows, and relationships. Stay tuned!

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Motorboating… what’s your price for flight?

Posted by emzkbd on September 4, 2012

I guess ABC has given up keeping things a secret since they gave away the entire episode in the previews. As always, we start the show post-rose ceremony from the previous week’s elimination. The “very privileged people” are relieved because there are no more alliances.

Rachel apologizes for whining and promises to keep it to a minimum so long as she can talk about Michael all she wants.

The next morning Chris Harrison arrives in his wallpaper shirt to inform the remaining contestants to pack because the winning couple will be sending another couple home after the competition—Hanging by a Thread. I foresee a tampon pulling contest. Whoever has the widest set vagina will clearly dominate!

Tony says he’s doing it for his son, just like he does everything else—cooking, cleaning, squeezing Blakeley’s tits. Blakeley, on the other hand, is doing it so she doesn’t have to see another bleached asshole… except for Hatchet Face.

All the men except for Nick—who’s probably the strongest—sit on the swing. The other partners answer Bachelor trivia. Here’s what we learned:

Donna was first in her bikini… and Nick was the first in it.

Ericka Rose was from the earliest season of the series… which makes her the oldest hag around.

Erica, one of the twins, did not compete in the Falling for Love challenge… and I’d bet she’s the bisexual virgin.

At the Hot Sludge Fundae contest, Jamie was David’s partner before the switchup… but so was Chris. Girl came on too needy!

The first competition on season one of Bachelor Pad was Twister. I’m just surprised they weren’t naked!

At this point, Blakeley fails Tony, like she failed her college entrance exams and ended up at Hooters. Tony falls first… and probably the most often.

Natalie Getz took off her top on BP season one. I think they were at the Bare pool in the Mirage, and as I told my friends, I want to take off my top there, too.

Ella and Michelle were the moms on BP season two. Moms BEFORE the show, not impregnated during it.

Other than Ericke Rosa and Michael, Gia was the only other contestant to be on two seasons of BP… but I’m sure all three of them will be back for at least one more.

Another one bites the dust. Rachel can’t hold on any longer, so she plops like a turd in a toilet.

The Weatherman Jonathan won the pie eating challenge in season one. And all along I thought he would prefer hot dogs to pastries.

Last but not least, Ed drops into the pool, leaving Chris and Sarah as the winners. Thank goodness Sarah did her recon and stalked a lot of the contestants! As a result, Chris and Sarah have to decide who to send home, but first Sarah rides him hard for old time sake. Then they talk it out—they don’t think they can beat Ed and Hatchet Face; Tony is a standup, albeit pathetic, guy; and Nick would take them to the final two.

Blakeley starts to hyperventilate. We see a few of the contestants plead their cases. When Tony plays the daddy card, Chris pretends to have a heart and gets a little misty, but he has to have the final say: “We’re the best. No one’s really trusted me, especially Blakeley, even though I told her Jamie and I only held hands. Tony, you’re my boi, and I understand you’re here to better your son’s life. But at the same time, I’m better than you, so get the fuck out.”

As they leave, Rachel tells Blakeley she loves her so much, just not that sparkly skirt she wore the first night, and Hatchet Face has been so loyal to Blakeley, just not to her face. Tony won’t leave Blakeley or her fun-bags. Once they’re in the limo, Tony continues to comfort her like he would his son, except for his attempted cleav-squeeze, but Blakeley’s body language is more like “Ok lumberjack, game’s over…  I’m off to find me a sugar daddy, not a baby daddy.”

Nevertheless, Tony practically proposes in the limo, and Blakeley basically says, “Thanks, now stop trying to kiss me or I’ll donkey-punch you in the throat.”

Later, Chris Harrison returns to tell the remaining six that their next challenge starts immediately, and the winner of the competition secures a spot in the final two.

Ed and Sarah—with their matching flip flops—and everyone else arrive at the Hollywood Paladium where famous artists have performed. Inside, Night Ranger is performing, and Hatchet Face recognizes the song. Ed says it’s one of his favorites.

Meanwhile, Chris says a singing challenge would be disastrous, much like his last few flings, and Chris Harrison confirms that. The couples will perform “Sister Christian” for the band.

Ed says he does it in his car every week… that and he rubs one out to every pretty girl he sees on the street. Ed and Chris proceed to bash their female partners—“Jaclyn is tone deaf” and “Sarah is not the best singer.” But Nick is pumped; he’s going balls to the walls.

The couples meet with vocal coaches, most of whom have worked on Glee, including the peenist. Isn’t that how Nick pronounced it? Rachel admits to being a deepthroater, which gives her that raspiness. And here I thought it was all those Marlboros!

Sarah says her voice sounds like a thirteen-year-old boy going through puberty, and I tend to agree because that’s probably what she ate for lunch. Chris: “There’s bad, and then there’s Sarah.” You think he said the same thing about Blakeley’s sex skillz?

Rachel contemplates the meaning of the song. Apparently, “motoring” is like cruising. I Googled it. Nick, on the other hand, tells us he enjoys motorboating, and therefore, thinks of boobs (probably Donna’s) when he hears “motoring”.

Ed deigns himself the Karaoke King, and he does have a way of slipping into songs the same way he slips into girls’ panties. Unfortunately for him and his attractive partner, they basically give up. Maybe if they thought of boobies, they’d have a renewed sense of interest in this competition.

The next morning, Chris admits he threw up so that he could lose a few pounds for their performance. Everyone puts in a few more practice rounds, while scaring away the local wildlife. Then it’s on to the venue for their big show. ABC paid some extras to scream and cheer upon their arrival. None of them know who these fools are.

Nick and Rachel go over their choreography, and then Rachel applies some mascara on him. Open your eyes dude! The real genius though is Chris who copies the words on to his hand. Because reading them is soooo not obvious!

Chris Harrison tries to pump up the crowd of teeny boppers who have no idea who Night Ranger is. In fact, they probably think One Direction will take the stage. What a disappointment when it’s these D-listers!

Nick and Rachel go first and are by far the best… in my opinion… so it’s no wonder they win. As it turns out, the song is about a brother giving his sister advice, and they’re the only duo who didn’t play incestuous siblings making out on stage. Nick brought out his inner rock star, and even Rachel’s throat cancer didn’t hinder her performance that badly.

Next up, the team to beat—Ed and Hatchet Face! Unfortunately for these two, their performance bombed, although I’m not sure if it’s because they were in fact wastey-faced. They both forget the words—the cocky ones who bragged about singing it in their sleep. To make up for their poor vocal performance, they incorporate some dry humping into their choreography until they finish… pun intended. The audience, which appears to include a Bible study group, looks appalled.

The last couple to perform—Chris and Sarah—clearly don’t know what they’re doing. At first it looks like they’ve got it all planned out, and then all hell breaks loose, as one of the judges put it. Chris pretends to drive a car while reading the words on his hand, which the judges eventually notice. Chris does a few air thrusts, while Sarah dances an Irish—no Scottish?—jig until she reenacts the ride ‘em cowgirl position from earlier, which Ed describes as a monkey being electrocuted on stage.  Sounds about right!

Once again, the Bible-thumpers shake their heads at all this dirty dancing. Disgraceful! The judges say they enjoyed Rachel and Nick, they detested Ed and Hatchet Face, and they found Chris and Sarah to be the most fun—like Sarah’s teal Grease Lightening pants.

Nick and Rachel win and use their roses as mics to perform an encore of their performance in their dressing room… where thankfully no one can hear. In another room, Chris and Sarah aren’t knocking boots; he’s just throwing them. And like them, Hatchet Face is stressing that her BFF might not pick her to be in the finals.

Before the rose ceremony, Rachel and Nick make a check list of Pros and Cons for each couple, but honestly, Nick already had his speech prepared. Nick: “The more strategic move is to take Chris and Sarah to the finals… we cannot take Ed and Jaclyn—they are the most popular in the house. Who’s caused more drama in the house? Chris and Sarah… that’s enough for me to make a decision. We’re playing with fire, taking Ed and Jaclyn. We have to be smart about this. Without a doubt, we’ll win this thing if we take Chris and Sarah. What are you here for? You’re here for the money, right? Friendships will be there, but if you want the money, we take Chris and Sarah. We have guaranteed votes if we take [them]. We’ve gotta take ‘em. They have caused issues in this house… we can take advantage of it. All of their screw-ups are gonna work to our advantage, and we’re gonna cash in.” After that speech, he could convince me to sell my best friend’s kidney on the black market. Rachel caves and bestows Hatchet Face with a one-way ticket home and a luxurious limousine ride to the airport. What else are best friend’s for?

And just like that, the UGLY CRY returns! Rachel can’t even look at her. Hatchet Face has to declaw that piece of shit from their embrace. Ed says “Rachel owed that to Jaclyn” who never betrayed her in the entire season, except when Jaclyn pledged loyalty to Blakeley.

Rachel says money is ugly, but so is Hatchet Face. Dun dun dun! Rachel thinks she made the wrong decision, but I say, honey, if you win, take her out to lunch and buy her a really nice purse… and a scarf to cover up her face. Stay tuned for the most dramatic finale EVER! Seriously!! I know most of what goes down, and it’s gory. So gory, you won’t be able to look away, unless it’s from Hatchet Face, of course!

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