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Archive for February, 2012

Sexy time in Switzerland

Posted by emzkbd on February 28, 2012

Ben has one more stop—actually 3 stops in 3 vaginas. Yes, Ben, we know it’s a lot harder than you’d thought it’d be, and one’s a blonde! Who knew you’d be able to get it up?!

It’s overnight dates in Switzerland, and Ben’s afraid he’s going to blow it some way. In fact, I’m willing to bet he blew it a lot of ways.

First, Ben describes the women. Nicki, the dark horse, is up first, which I’m sure offended Lindzi. The horse metaphor, not the first part, athough who wants to be sloppy seconds? Ben reminisces about how the rain poured on them in Puerto Rico, just like Ben poured his sea scrub on Courtney in the ocean there.

Next up, Ben says Lindzi is funny, but the only time I’m laughing is at her.

And then there’s Courtney and her weird magical force. What does her hoo-ha have a tractor beam inside it like the Death Star? I want to play the Darth Vader theme when I see her now. Ben says the chemistry her hand job is unlike anything he’s ever felt. Next thing you know, Courtney’s playback is heard saying she likes to “bend over and take it up the tail pipe.” Straight from the model’s trout pout!

Who to choose, who to choose? In Switzerland, serial killer Ben is roaming the city in his black attire complete with raper boots and O.J. gloves,  looking to satiate his appetite peen with an unsuspecting local, except that’s Lindzi. Oooh, but here comes Nicki, who told him she loved him and showed him her deep throat. Open wide for the cameras!

It’s no surprise a helicopter appears to whisk them away. ABC must have them on speed dial along with those limos. “We need to evac an ugly crier… can you be here in 5?”

Ben: “My relationship with Nicki, it’s getting to new heights, but at the same time, it’s grounded!” That was deep Ben, probably deeper than the meat cave you’ll be exploring later on. He hopes she’ll say yes to staying the night because it feels like they can continue their love {awkward pause} story. Code for: I want to see if she squeals when I pork her.

Before the chopper had a chance to tumble off the mini mountain, it took off and left them on the rock so Ben could ask the important questions, like “what positions should we try”, “should I bring toys”, “do you mind lube.”

Then there are the less important questions. Ben wants four kids, Nicki wants two, the math just doesn’t add up here!

Ben is glad that Nicki is willing to put out because he’s ready to take it to the next level. Surprisingly, he’s nervous to give it to her. Either way, she better be ready ‘cuz he’s bringing da dick! Nicki wastes no time pouncing on that peen. “It’s been a year and a half since my husband and I separated I had sex, so let’s talk about your dad to set the mood.” One kiss and Nicki’s wetter than a slip-‘n-slide, so naturally Ben gives her a bath in the hot tub.

The next day, Lindzi arrives sans winter wear, prepared to jump out of a helicopter again. Someone should have told her Nicki got that date this time! Even so, Ben obviously thinks Lindzi is an adrenaline junkie, so to kick it up a notch, they let people slowly lower them into a ravine under the guise that they’re “rappelling.” Uh, I think that’s where you actually rappel off a wall/cliff/building. This was less entertaining than watching snow fall.

Back at the hotel, the ice queen melts in the hot tub. After they’re all clean, Ben lures Lindzi down a creepy stairwell where he plans to make a skin-suit out of her oompa-loompa epidermis, but first, dinner with special guest Gene Shalit.  Ben’s face fuzz is well on its way!

After dinner, Ben hands Lindzi the fantasy suite card. She first protects her virtue with an “I swear I never do this” and then throws it out the window with a “Let’s get it on so I can have another cig.” Ben tells her she has the key to his heart when really it’s the key to her vagina.

When they get to the room, Lindzi describes it as “a fantasy of a suite.” Oh Lindzi, now I see why Ben loves your humor! She’s ready to let Ben in so much, so she puts it all out there, trying to be vulnerable. Yeah, I’d feel vulnerable, too, if I weren’t wearing any pants! When Ben sees this, he drops the L-bomb stat, thinking “I gotta use that ‘key to me heart’ line more often.”

After Ben gets it in, he’s ready for more. “I’ve had a really, really great week, but today is all about Courtney… and her loose vagina.” He has a very Swiss date planned, and I’m thinking, streaking? Since Courtney’s no stranger to taking her clothes off, why not bounce around town in your birthday suits? That way, Ben knows what he’s working with.

Bells start chiming at Ben’s queue. He says Courtney wants to try new things… like bread and cheese. I mean, there’s so much out there once you get past the laxatives.

During their date, Ben wants to play “Hey, cow!” and Courtney thinks it’s a real game that she might be good at, like hopscotch or home-wrecking. She makes a feeble attempt, which bores Ben right into a bottle of wine. How about next time you see how loud you can say penis like they do in 500 Days of Summer! That’ll really get the cows lactating!

Ben wastes no time getting really kinky with Courtney when they conversation turns to girl on girl. Courtney admits that she said hurtful things. I disagree! I tell people I want to shave off their eyebrows all the time… prevents uni-brow. And I verbally assault people, too. It keeps ‘em in line. Unfortunately, Ben was embarrassed to be turned on in front of the moo-cows, so he asked if they could discuss it later…,in the bedroom… in front of a fireplace… with whip cream and strawberries.

It’s there that one of Courtney’s multiple personalities starts to cry, which later leads to a serious conversation by another personality where she admits to being immature. Hey, if finishing fights rather than starting them is immature then I belong in diapers.  The best part of this whole interlude is that it proves a simple apology can negate all the crazy spewing from those surgically-enhanced lips.

Speaking of blow job lips, Ben is ready to throw down for the third time. He wants uninterrupted {another long awkward pause} everything sex. Just say it, Ben! We know you’re thinking with your lasso, so rope that cow and tip her over!

Forget meaningful conversation in this hot tub, Courtney and Ben have progressed to full-on sex.

Now interrupting this announcement: Brad Womack’s leftovers.

Single mother Emily Maynard is clearly the wildest, most unpredictable bachelorette yet. I mean, if she said “yes” to Brad, a guy who obviously still had to work out some issues with a therapist, then who knows who she’ll say “yes” to this time! A boy wonder who still lives at home with his mom while pursuing an acting career? We can only hope!

Emily says she gets really lonely after Ricki goes to bed. Hey, honey, it’s called happy hour! Find a babysitter!

To help her on her way, relationship expert Ashley Hebert and fame whore Ali Fedotowsky share their tips for fifteen minutes of reality stardom. I guess this means she’ll find a live-in boyfriend or a job at a local news station.

Paying for this “commercial break,” Titanic 3D! The women take Emily on her first date, and suddenly ABC has 15-34 demographic. Ashley points out that the way Jack looks at Rose is the way J.P. looked at her. I swore stuff like that only happened in the movies! Another thing she points out is that Jack dies in the end, and she really wants that for Emily, who gets all misty-eyed.

And who goes to the movies dressed like they’re working Hollywood Boulevard? Last time I went, I wore a sweatshirt with my hair in a sloppy ponytail.

Back to the show, Kacie B. spends a few minutes heavily breathing outside Ben’s door like she’s trying to pass a turd. Hearts a-racing, Ben invites the hot mess in to stutter out incomprehensible sentences like a mechanical robot. First, she wants to know what the FUCK happened! Ben takes it rather well. “We’re worlds apart… in all fairness to your family, I didn’t want to deflower you on national television.”

Kacie: “Dammit, mom and dad, the vibe was supposed to be fun and flirty not prude and passé.” With that, Kacie flies off the handle and squashes Courtney like the black widow she is. Ben encourages her word vomit before throwing her ass out of his hotel room. You saw her on the floor!

Kacie: “I don’t like saying things like this, but most of America is backing me up here!” From there, she hitch-hikes back to the States, spouting something about still loving him and hoping he doesn’t get hurt. You know, after getting dumped, I hope that the next train-wreck does a number on my ex as I never could. I also hope she resembles one of those sad, battered animals you see on the Sarah McLachlan commercials—the ones missing an eye or limping in a cage!

And on that note, it’s nearly rose ceremony time.

Ben: “I don’t really know what the hell is going on anymore here, Chris.”

Chris: {Queue perplexed look as if he’s been abstaining all week in a Swiss nunnery while Ben is experiencing sexual overload}  “I can see you’re conflicted tonight… maybe we should bring in a few Swiss trannies to set you straight.”

But before Ben can make his (almost) final decision, he eerily glances out the window for his next unsuspecting victim.

Chris: “Ladies, whoever gets sent home tonight was a bad lover.”

Nicki: “But what if it means we just had morals?”

Chris: “Nope, Ben got more excited riding a mechanical bull than he did riding you, Nicki. Please say your goodbye to Lindzi because Courtney don’t care. She got the rose. Auto-tune that shit.”

Ben walks Nicki to her limo that was called 5 minutes before to evac a wet mop.

Ben: “I cried a little bit today, but that was because I saw Titanic in 3D.”

Nicki: “I’ll never let go Ben, I’ll never let go.”

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And the best dressed award goes to…

Posted by emzkbd on February 26, 2012

The greatest night in film has arrived, as did numerous, luminous stars to the red carpet. Predictions suggested black would rule the celebrity runway, but white made an appearance in the right way. Here are my picks for the best and worst dressed at the 2012 Academy Awards!

BEST DRESSED LIST

Best dressed: Milla Jovovich.  Resident hottie! She’s never been to the Oscars and already she’s slayin’ it! I hope she steps out more often!

Runner up: Emma Stone.  I know everyone’s making comparisons to this dress  worn previously by Nicole Kidman, but the only real similarity is the bow. I love the touchable fabric, the way it flows and the brilliance of the color. Easy A+ in my book!

Best white: Gwyneth Paltrow.  I can’t stop thinking about this dress and how glamorous she looks! Sure, it has a cape, but she’s a total superhero at the Oscars. Guess she’ll have a View from the Top; maybe then her hair will come out of that awful low ponytail!

Best black: Angelina Jolie.  Even though she still looks like something a Tomb Raider would find (a.k.a. scary skinny), Angie can’t help looking uber-confident and crazy-sexy in this velvet-y black gown. She keeps it simple without any jewelry, which presumably slipped off when she was attaining that wildly seductive sex hair just moments before emerging from her limo!

Best color: Leslie Mann.  Such a gorgeous dress… makes her look 17 Again! Perfect combination of sleek and sparkly!

Runner up: Penelope Cruz.  She’s no stranger to ball gowns at awards shows, but tonight Penelope is a vision of old Hollywood. I give her a Nine out of 10!

Best plus size: Octavia Spencer.  Not sure if this is white, off-white, or cream, but who cares? It shines just like the Academy Award winner herself. Octavia has made excellent choices this season, and this dress exquisitely shapes her figure. She certainly needs no Help looking like a champ!

Best over 40: Meryl Streep.  No, I wouldn’t wear it, but this is Meryl! She looks so regal and statuesque, and surprisingly, the gold accessories don’t make her look like an Iron Lady.

Best host: Maria Menounos.  If this dress were metallic, it would be the color of the new car I want. Reminiscent of Mila in lavender last year! So romantic and ethereal!

Best couple: George Clooney and Stacy Keibler.  Looks like George already picked up his Oscar! Stacy has been one to watch this season, and tonight was no different. Her dress looks like liquid gold and complements her skin tone and hair color tremendously.

Best guy: Pharrell Williams.  Is this the guy that was responsible for the shitty sound at the Oscars? During the pre-show, he was labeled a music consultant. Either way, a good tailored suit makes it almost forgivable.

Most improved: Michelle Williams.  She always walks her own path when it comes to fashion, but not since her yellow fringe-y number have I loved one of her dresses so much! The coral color against her porcelain skin oozes a fruity flavor. My only issue is the fabric—it looks sorta starchy and itchy!

Most unexpected surprise: Cameron Diaz.  It’s clear I’m not on board with the nude color trend, but There’s Something about Cameron in this beige gown that makes me wanna be In Her Shoes!

Don’t love ‘em/don’t hate ‘em: Jessica Chastain , Rooney Mara , and Kristen Wiig . For Jessica, I think it was a little ornate, but the black and gold contrast was definitely Helped her standout. Rooney, on the other hand, had been The Girl hiding in black but instead chose an off-white number, which only made her made haircut more evident. Lastly, Kristen’s dress isn’t bad, but again, she chose a bad color I can only describe as the diarrhea from Bridesmaids. Not to mention, an up-do would have improved this look considerably.

WORST DRESSED LIST

Worst dressed: Berenice Bejo.  Redheads and navy dresses work! Redheads and seafoam green? Not so much! Berenice wore the deep blue at the Globes, but failed to stun this evening. Frankly, it looks like she’s caught in a net!

Runner up: Jennifer Lopez.  Jenny from the block has a look, and this is it—tantalizingly tight, splendidly sparkly, and a collage of cleavage and cut-outs. Unfortunately, this dress looks like an optical illusion. If you stare too long you might have a seizure! And can J.Lo rock any other hair style beside the top-knot?

Worst white: Shailene Woodley.  Not looking good for this up-and-comer! This dress looks like it was made for a blind person with the braille on chest! Furthermore, it’s just too matronly for this young Descendant. You’ll have plenty of time to look old, Shailene, so use this time to look fresh and fabulous!

Worst black: Anna Faris.  Love the hair, hate the dress! It’s no surprise long sleeves did not receive a high five at the Oscars. It looks like Anna added the missing pieces to Rose Byrne’s dress  and went with it.

Worst plus size: Melissa McCarthy.  Ok, ok, so the dress isn’t as horrific as Bridesmaids not winning an award, but she looks like she belongs in a tower, letting down her hair! Someone trying to live out a fairy tale?

Worst over 40: Melissa Leo.  Not even sure if this can be categorized as a dress? Obviously, someone doesn’t care unless she’s nominated.

Worst host: Kelly Osbourne.  The dress isn’t that bad, but I can’t take fashion advice seriously from someone with purple hair. That and she is such a proponent of spanx, but yet her dress looks too tight across her hips.

Worst guy: Matthew Lillard.  A. Where’s he been since Scream? B. Why does he look like a creepy serial killer? And C. why does his suit look a few sizes too big? Did he just come off Biggest Loser: Celebrity Edition?

Most unexpected disappointment: Sandra Bullock.  Just like Melissa Leo, a former Oscar winner should show ‘em how it’s done, right Gwyneth? Sandra’s dress is ill-fitting on top, even if it does present a scoop back. Not even the black and white could Blindside this dress into the best dressed category.

Runner up: Natalia Portman.  You, too, Natalie! As a Black Swan you should have blossomed, but instead you look more like a pregnant lady bug.

Now you know mine, so who were your favorites?

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Do not feed the alligators…

Posted by emzkbd on February 22, 2012

Unless the gator is Courtney and you’re feeding her the other women.

The hometown dates on The Bachelor kick off with Lindzi in sunny Florida. No wrestling gators just yet! Ben greets Lindzi during her morning gallop.

“Nice ride! How much horsepower does it have? Har har har! You look good on this thing! Do you know reverse cowgirl, too? Yee haw!” Evidently, someone is ready for the overnight dates next week!

Before ya know it, Lindzi is breaking out her whip. It’s always the quiet ones that are freaky! Holy shit balls!

During their one-on-one time, Lindzi tells Ben that “vulnerable” is a big word for her. How about monotonous? Because that’s what I think of this conversation!

Lindzi tells Ben that she’s only ever brought home one guy, and apparently she’s still not over him, judging by how emotional the discussion made her.

From there, it’s over the river and through the woods to meet Lindzi’s parents, whom it seems she knows very little about. You’d swear this chick was adopted!

Ben proceeds to have a cock fight with Lindzi’s dad:

  • “We had our first date in San Francisco!”
  • “We got married in San Francisco!”
  • “Well we still had our first date there, so beat that!”
  • “We got married in City Hall.”
  • “Well, we went there, too! And some dude serenaded us to our first dance, so HAH!”
  • “Listen you little shit, we’ve been married for 40 years. You prolly won’t even see another forty years, ya boozehound.”

And the trash talking didn’t end there! When the chariot race began, Ben let out more expletives than a sailor. That little dog he was holding was clearly offended.

Later on, Lindzi’s mom tells Ben they kept her away from boys by keeping her involved in various activities—from horseback riding to drill team to cheerleading. Uhhhh, wait a sec! Doesn’t cheerleading go hand in hand with, well, handies? “Gimme a B, gimme an E, gimme an N… gimme a D! What’s that spell? BEND me over and hump me out!”

From fallin’ in love with Lindzi to some ball-bustin’ at Buster Boguskie field, Ben visits Kacie. Here, at on her high school football field, Kacie plans to remind Ben that she is the youngest one left. So young in fact, that she probably still fits into all her high school uniforms, but instead, she chose to greet Ben in maternity pants and charge him like a sexually frustrated bull.

Kacie tells Ben intimate details, like her grandparent’s Notebook-esque love story and how she lost her virginity under those bleachers. Since Boozer Ben can’t go anywhere without a bottle of wine, Kacie thinks it’s time to warn Ben that dad doesn’t drink. “We’re in the Bible belt, Ben! My parents haven’t even held hands yet. I was immaculately conceived.”

Ben’s wheels start turning. “We’re pretty different people; I don’t know how much we’ll have in common.” Well, there you have it folks? Ben was conceived the old-fashioned way—the pull-out method.

Ben doesn’t want to kiss Kacie in front of her parents, and she calls it a “respect thing.” But really, Ben doesn’t want to get shot in the face, so he nods his head in agreement. “Just be yourself,” she says. What she means is do a little streaking, make out with her mom, and hold a rose ceremony after dinner, where you send the prudest person home, which could be a toss-up.

I must say, this family utterly astounds me. Kacie’s dad looks 10 years old than her mom, who looks like a closet rug-muncher. Their traditional beliefs and overbearing behavior make it no wonder why their daughters have eating disorders. That and Kacie’s sister looks like she had a botched plastic surgery.

When Ben sits down with Kacie’s old man, he asks, “What made you keep Kacie this long?” To which Ben responds, “Well, sir, I have a thing for women with the bodies of 10 year old boys. I have very strong feelings for your daughter, but you should know that I’ve been putting my peen in three other punanis.”

Next up is Kacie’s mom: “We didn’t have a lot of babysitters because otherwise I would have had a lesbian Mary Kay Letourneau moment. However, I do watch the show a lot, mostly for the bikini scenes, and I want you to know that I’m not okay with Kacie and you moving in together when you fake propose. I would prefer she find a nice young lady to room with and experiment because once the Boguskie women get married they’re in it until they die.”

Back to Kacie’s dad who’s checking in with Kacie:

“Y’all need to listen to your mother. Get your own place; hold hands; play twister.”

“But daddy, I want to play twister in his bedroom, in the dark, without any clothes on.”

“Now you listen here young lady, if he asks my permission to marry you, I would say heck no y’all.”

“This is so frustrating, like that time you found me testing with my gag reflex. I haven’t rushed anything, daddy, but now I want to spin the wheel and place my left hand on Ben’s blue balls.”

She says that because at this point, Ben realizes that Kacie is wearing a chastity belt that not even ABC can negotiate her out of. I guess her closed-mouth kisses aren’t the only thing on lockdown.

From Tennessee, Ben makes his way to Texas, where Nicki is already squealing like a pig ready for slaughter. Now unlike Lindzi, the last guy Nicki brought home, she married. “Finding the right boot is like finding the right partner in life. You’ve got to find just the right fit.” Talk about a metaphor for sex; I assume then that she’s tried on a lot of boots.

Nicki is ready roast the other women:

“I hope you don’t think I’m beating a dead horse because I only do that when the horse deserves a beating. Lindzi showed me how to whip it good.”

“Ben, you’re very interested to know details, like what design Courtney shaves into her pubic hair.”

“[My parents] saw me go through a really hard time, not like Kacie’s, though, who drove her to bulimia and then punished her with celibacy.”

Nicki says she couldn’t marry someone her parents didn’t approve of, which is probably a small percentage of the population since she already picked a winner the first time. But no worries, Ben! This one’s a sure thing if you propose!

Back at her house, Nicki and her father have a heart to heart. He feels guilty that he let his daughter’s marriage fail. If only it were that easy to blame our parents for our failed relationships, or have the Kardashians already done that?

At dinner, Nicki’s dad gives a toast: “Nicki, you’re just glowing. He didn’t knock you up, did he? That’s how we got in this mess the last time.” I personally love the cutaway of Nicki’s mom snickering at her ex-husband’s speech. I was hoping she’d tell him to sit down and shut up. No one wants to see an amicable family unit; we want to see the bat-shit-crazy clan.

“Ben, can I take you upstairs for a quickie? Don’t worry! Like I said, my parents aren’t like Kacie’s.” She proceeds to tell him that she doesn’t want anything else. “I want you and me [and] San Francisco. Or maybe I just want San Francisco. I don’t know! I haven’t been single very long.”

Ben: “I looked over at Nicki and thought ‘I love this girl.’” <—Commitment-phobe!

The final stop is Arizona. Courtney actually admitted to treating the girls badly and that she’s not proud of everything she’s done, except the skinny-dipping—that was her shining moment.” Courtney says her dad calls their house the “casa de niñas,” which, I won’t lie, is a little creepy. What is this—some kind of sex-trafficking operation in Scottsdale?

It’s here Ben basically tells us all the reason why Courtney’s could win: she’s always stood out, their last date was a monumental day, and he can see their past, present and future. Of course, that doesn’t necessarily mean she’ll be the one with the final rose: “It would bother me if I ended up with someone who rubbed people the wrong way.” Like, she doesn’t give as good handies as Lindzi, or she’s a conniving bitch?

The last guy Courtney brought home was probably an Abercrombie model whose vocabulary was limited to “cool” and “far out,” so it’s no wonder the clone from which Courtney was created thinks Ben is a tad odd. Mama Courtney warns Ben that she has the final seal of approval, which in this family, I’m sure she has to sunbathe in the nude with him first to know if it’s the real deal.

As conversations pair off, Courtney and her sister escape for some chit chat; Courtney and girl talk must be as rare as capturing shark sex on camera. Meanwhile, Courtney’s dad and Ben discuss how marriage is a gamble, and Courtney’s dad isn’t betting on her. However, he does want grand-babies, which again would be as foreign to Courtney as a bad hair day. Then Courtney sits down with her mom: “You look so pretty, mom. Your plastic surgeon did marvelous work, which reminds me that I need my lips plumped before Switzerland. Gotta have perfect blow job lips!”

Before family time is over, Courtney’s sister calls Ben a straight shooter, but I’m sure Courtney would beg to differ. I bet his peen was bobbing all over the place in the Caribbean.

From there, totally out of chronological order, Courtney tells Ben she has a big surprise for him, and it’s not a threesome with other models! She’s planned a shotgun wedding. Why else would she wear a white dress?

Screw the rose ceremony and the other women! Ben is ready to shit his pants. Courtney fixes her hair twenty times, primping for her nuptials. They write their vows and walk down the aisle, where no guests are waiting. Of course, this would be like Courtney’s real wedding because no one likes her enough to attend.

Ben is asked to read his vows, and he says all the nice things you can say to a person without giving them the wrong idea. “Is this too good to be true?” Yep, wait until your first fight when she shaves off your eyebrow. “I love how make me feel when I’m in your presence… you’re real and honest.” Yep, real honest! “Thank you for believing in me because I’m about to find out that while I was believing in you the rest of the world was hating you.”

Courtney: “Aw, that’s so good. You just did that right just then.” (Actual quotation!)

Ben: “Uh yeah, you made me!”

Literary genius: “Gee shucks, I copied mine from all my favorite songs and movies.”

Priest: “If this were a real wedding, America would be flippin’ pissed.”

Now that that’s done and over with, Ben returns to L.A. and sits down for confession with Father Chris.

Ben: “Well, Lindzi’s parents showed me there erection interaction.” Enunciation, Ben! Otherwise, we’ll need clarification.

Ben: “[Kacie] is definitely one of the most kind and gentle women I’ve ever met, which will make deflowering her on an overnight date more awkward than Ed not being able to get it up for Jillian.”

Chris: “The end of the night, Nicki pulls you upstairs. Tell me about that!” Ben: “Well, Chris, what can I say? She sure knows how to Texas Hold’em.”

Chris: “[Courtney] had a bit of a surprise for ya. Tell me about that!” Ben: “You know Courtney! Next thing you’ll know she’ll have me bound, gagged and awaiting a gang bang.”

And then at the rose ceremony…

Ben: “My heart is beating out of chest, like my peen springing out of my pants every time I see Courtney, so I’ll give her the first rose. Lindzi can have the second one since I hear she gives good handies.”

Chris: “Ladies, if you hadn’t already guessed, this is the final rose. Whoever Ben picks may get sloppy seconds or thirds on the overnight dates.”

Ben: “Well, then I’ll have to give it to Nicki. I don’t want to call a locksmith in Switzerland when I pull down Kacie’s pants to reveal a full-on metal girdle.”

Kacie needs a moment to purge her feelings… and her last meal. When she’s finished, she climbs into the limo for the most emotional orgasm I’ve ever seen.

“Why does it have to hurt so bad?” Well, look at it this way. If you had to follow Courtney on the overnight dates, you might have ended up with the clap, and I’m sure that doesn’t feel too good either.

“I thought I knew what he was looking for, but I guess I was completely wrong.” Yep, he obviously has a raging boner for Courtney.

“I had no clue this was coming… I’m so upset.” I think your parents did. They slipped Ben a fifty.

“What does he want?” More skinny-dipping, threesomes, and some handies from Jennifer Love Hewitt.

“It’s not me… I thought it was me… I’m so stupid.” Here’s a new spin on “It’s not you, It’s me.” Stupid is as stupid does.

“Why am I not good enough? I don’t get it.” I thought we went over this. Because you can’t tempt Ben’s python from his pants like Courtney can.

“This is why I don’t love.” I thought it was because your parents wouldn’t let you?

“I LOVED him, and I don’t know what to do now.” There’s always Bachelor Pad 3!

“How did this happen?” Well, you signed up for a show called The Bachelor… and unless you’re Jason Mesnick, you can’t pick everyone.

“What the fuck happened? What the FUCK happened?” Yep, been there, done that.

Tune in next week for some hot sex in Switz.

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Bachelor Ben hosts Shark Week

Posted by emzkbd on February 14, 2012

It sure is a feeding frenzy on The Bachelor this week, unless you’re Kacie B. whose frenzy comes after the feeding when she has to excuse herself to the bathroom. This week, Ben finds himself in shark-infested waters, where Courtney is outwitting and outlasting her prey.

Ben arrives in Belize sporting some side boob and telling us that he’s not ready to share his feelings of love with anyone… at least not until the overnights when he plans to bait his hook.

When the women arrive, Emily points out that she’s sharing a house with four other girls and a shark. “Courtney likes to sleep a lot; then gets up and attacks. And then goes back to bed, and you never really know when the next bite is coming!” Duh-nuh, duh-nuh…

The first date card arrives for Lindzi, who is perhaps the most docile shark in this aquarium—the zebra shark—not a threat to anyone.  “Two halves make a whole.” Courtney has no clue what that means because she failed math class, and every other subject, but Ben wants Lindzi to know that it’s baby-making time.

The rest of the women are sad that it’s not their one-on-one time, and Emily equates Ben to cheesecake, probably because he goes straight to your hips.

For their date, Ben planned to throw Lindzi from the helicopter without a life vest into a “Blue Hole” that is 500 feet deep, but she wouldn’t stop kissing him. Holy shit balls is right, Lindzi! You were gonna die!

After the attempted homicide, Ben brings Lindzi ashore where there’s a picnic dinner waiting. “Is this us?” No, bumblefuck, it’s for the other couple waiting to be filmed.

Ben describes their relationship as “funny and serious.” Funny because there’s seriously no chemistry between them! Even so, Ben wants to seal their bond with an eternal promise to never go looking for their message in a bottle, which washes up on shore in a matter of minutes. If I found that bottle with that ridiculous fairytale, I would presume it was written by a 12 year old boy with a raging boner.

Emily gets the next date card. Do you Belize in love? With this, Courtney wants to kill herself, and Kacie hands her a .45. Courtney says Ben knows how Emily’s affecting her, so naturally that bitch has to go.

But Ben’s only got one thing on the brain, which is why he greets Emily with vagina hands. For those of you who don’t know what I mean, here’s a visual:

Ben plans to use these hands to wow Emily on their date. They visit a fisherman who is clearly making some insanely dirty joke when he tells Emily he’ll give her his lobster if she smiles and gets wet for him. Ben willing accepts this deal, so the fisherman takes them out into the middle of the ocean where they’re forced to catch his lobster. If you’ve ever played with a lobster you know that they’re squirmy little critters, so you have to be firm with them or else you’ll never get it in your mouth.

Back at the house, Courtney needs to make a new BFF since Casey left, so she confides in Lindzi. She doesn’t want to be treated like shit, but she’s okay with slinging it. Courtney is at her wit’s end, which is code for “off her meds.”

Near the ocean, Ben observes the Whale Shark as it opens its big mouth to talk about Courtney some more.

At least this time she didn’t dwell on it, which is probably why Ben called her “smart.” Before the date ended, the Whale Shark made sure to give Biologist Ben a close-up of its feeding habits, i.e. lots of tongue.

The next date goes to Courtney, who makes it clear that if she gets the one-on-one time, she’s more important than the rest of them. Awww snap! With that, Kacie B. is ready to smack a bitch, and I say, if you’re going to fight, do it in jello.

Ben says he wants to take the next step in their relationship, which has to mean the mile high club because from sex on the beach you can only go up, right? Meanwhile, Courtney thinks the spark has fizzled, so her plan is to reel that fish back in. Ben takes her to some Mayan ruins, where we could only hope he would sacrifice her for a fruitful harvest. Wine for everyone!

It’s here that we witness the Bull shark, known for its unpredictable and aggressive behavior.  First, make your prey think you’re uninterested, and if possible, play the victim. Bam! Ben confessed he wants to console her, and then he tells her that she is the only fish in his sea of women that stands out. Together they climb the temple, which is a literal, not sexual, statement. When they reach the top, Ben exclaims, “Oh my Dad!” I hope you don’t say that when you’re banging your girlfriends. It might be a moving experience, but it could give off the wrong idea.

At the villa, the women receive the group date card, and Kacie is adamant about earning this rose, so it was evident she had it in the bag. The women also speculate about Ben’s date with Courtney.

They agree that Ben is an attentive guy, which means he’s attending to Courtney’s hoo-ha. Now the Bull-y shark goes on the defensive, claiming she’s tried to get to know the other women and befriend them, but in the same breath she describes them as boring, self-absorbed and annoying. “I wasn’t NOT getting along with them, but I was trying to shave off their eyebrows when they were sleeping. We’re not fighting in the house; I’m just stealth-bombing their one-on-one time in my white bikini. I have lots of guy friends, so I’m sure you realize that a lot of man-meat has gone through my factory. My job? I’m the talent… I have to make everyone happy, so I dance on tables… poles… laps.”

And just how many times did Courtney touch her hair during their date? 14… I counted.

When the group date started, I thought I was watching To Catch a Predator as Ben creepily made his way into each of the women’s bedrooms. Naturally, the women were terrified and immediately ran to shave their legs.

On this group, Ben gets to swim with sharks: a sand tiger shark, a mako shark, and a hammerhead shark. Let’s get to know each of these, shall we?

  •  The sand tiger shark—well, obviously we can see the toothy resemblance—would prefer to hunt close to shore presumably because it doesn’t want to be eaten by other sharks.
  •  The mako shark is one of the fastest sharks; it wants to find a man, fall in love, get married and have babies, as many times as necessary.
  •  The hammerhead shark has been known to regurgitate its food and acquires a tan more easily than other creatures.

During the date, Rachel is having an anxiety attack. She has a fear of sharks, and apparently believes that thrive in all bodies of water, including lakes, which is why she refuses to swim. Nevertheless, Ben convinces her to dive in and holds her hand during their swim… because that’ll surely save you from the jaws of death.

Later on, Nicki wants Ben to know she squeals he’ll fit in with her family, and Kacie wants Ben to know she can chum for fish is falling in love with him. Courtney’s not worried about Kacie though because she’s a little girl in a little boy’s body. If anything, she’s jealous.

Ben hopes that the women are open to receiving his peen, but the women are worried that it’s been tainted by Courtney va-zheen. My favorite shot of the night, besides the one Courtney just took, is this one  where Emily says they’ve made close, strong friendships on the show. Courtney sucks down her peen-ya colada, just like she sucked down Ben’s man yogurt.

All the women are counting on Ben sending Courtney back to the mental institution, as I’m sure you were, too, but alas, it was not meant to be this week. She hiked up her dress and told Ben that she’ll stroke Terry his tarantula if he gives her a rose.

Emily offers condolences to Courtney’s victims; Rachel has a few cigs during her exit interview; and Courtney doesn’t-wanna-be-ya. Kill shot!

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The Whammy’s

Posted by emzkbd on February 12, 2012

Forget music’s biggest night! This awards show could quite possibly have been Whitney Houston’s biggest night. If you won, or even if you didn’t, you were asked to comment on her tragic death. It’s really too early to make assumptions, but given her history, it’s hard not to speculate if this was drug or alcohol related.

As a little girl, I loved to belt out Whitney when my mom popped one of her cassette tapes in the car, and that’s how I’d like to remember her—not as a crack whore! Because like those before her, it’s sad to see a musical icon leave us before their time, but it’s also hard to idolize them when they made bad personal choices that inevitably led to their downfall.

Accidental drowning? Suuure, just like you could “accidentally” hang from a curtain rod. Suicidal, homicidal or accidental, I guess we’ll have to wait for the autopsy results.

Moving on to the reason you’re really here…  the best and worst dressed at the 2012 Grammy Awards!

BEST DRESSED LIST

Best dressed: Rihanna.  Simple, stunning, superbly sensational! If you told me I would love a Ri-Ri look, I would have told you I must have had a concussion from a Chris Brown attack. Alright, that was a low blow, but not as low as Rihanna’s deep V. Or as high as the slit on her thigh! We fell in love in a sexy place that’s somewhere between these two divides. Perfect way to make your ex jealous!

Runner up: Julianne Hough.  She could land a permanent spot on Dressing with the Stars. Tonight, she let her gay boyfriend pick her outfit, and it worked. She practically looked like a Jen Aniston on the red carpet—the basic black, the beach-y waves, the “I’m-someone-without-my-man” confidence.

Best color: Amber Rose.  I’ve never been a fan of hers—something about sleeping your way to the top—but I must say that bright colors always stands out, just like a shaved head.

Best over 40: Jane Seymour.  Not really sure why she was there—maybe she was Whitney’s medicine woman who prescribed all that Xanax. Even so, I’m sure all the cougar-hunters and motor-boaters wanted to take her home as their Grammy statue.

Best country artist: Hillary Scott.  This singer’s got curves and a voice as velvety as her purple dress. The strappy sandals and stick-straight hair complete her look, and her sexy slit shows she owned the Grammy night.

Best R&B/rap artist: Corinne Bailey Ray.  This Christian Siriano dress has almost as much bounce as her hair—it’s fun, and it’s flirty! Girl, put your ruffles on!

Best Pop artist: Jessie J.  I’m calling it the Domino effect because it looks like she’s wrapped in metallic ones. It’s a shiny, slinky number that stuns in J.Lo’s absence.

Best host: Guiliana Rancic.  I’ve hated on her all season, but this cocktail dress is one of my favorites all season—perhaps because it looks like something that I own. I think she’s previously tried to standout, but she shouldn’t be competing with the nominees. This is how journalists do business casual on the red carpet!

Runner Up: Kelly Osbourne.  I loved it, except I thought she needed static guard for the clingy parts. Unless that’s draping—I just can’t tell! I just wish she would dye her hair back to blonde!

Best guy(s): Kings of Leon.  Who knew a brown suit could look attractive? These guys are totally tailored to look like red carpet royalty.

Best Victoria’s Secret model: Lily Aldridge.  Speaking of the Kings, one of their queens, Lily, is radiantly preggo in this flowery black and blue frock—a sweet balance of maternal and model chic.

Best couple: John Legend and Chrissy Teigen.  From newly pregnant to newly engaged, this beautiful couple looks legendary in black. The two complement each other marvelously, and Chrissy could rival Rihanna for the raciest thigh high slit of the night.

Best non-artist arrival: Kate Beckinsale.  Remember how much I despise the creamy neutrals, well Kate has already proved this season that she can pull it off, and rather than pair it with a rose-y red like Angie and Natalie have, Kate opts for black accents, including her nails. The draping is ethereal, and the shoulder ribbon ties it all together. Glad she could make an appearance!

Most unexpected favorite: Paris Hilton.  Another one I never thought I’d praise, but Paris brought the glamour to the Grammy’s. The dress fits her like a glove and then flairs at her knees, to which I’m sure she’s most accustomed.  The gold inflections and gilded belt really pop against the white color, and not to mention her hair is romantically weaved into stylish up-do. Props to Paris!

I loved the dress, but not on you: Katy Perry.  This Elie Saab dress was a very elegant and mature look for Katy, but since when does she color coordinate, especially with her hair? I expected more, and by more, I mean less clothing and more fireworks from her boobies.

WORST DRESSED LIST

Worst dressed: Robyn.  Do you know what it takes to impress me? If the skirt didn’t have a tail and the top didn’t look like a t-shirt tucked into the bottom and the color didn’t match her hair and the shoes were any other pair, then maybe we could talk.

Worst over 40: Valerie Simpson.  I don’t know who you are, like most of the people walking the red carpet this year, but you’re forcing me to have a seizure. Plus, I think your weave is falling out!

Worst country artist: Taylor Swift.  This Asian inspired gown is not as Enchanted as you once were to meet Jake Gyllenhaal. I would also like to point out that I have better hair on a Monday morning.

Runner up: Miranda Lambert.  I think this dress fits her better than most of her previous picks, which makes me think that she left her real dress at the Baggage Claim, and Taylor had a backup for her to borrow.

Worst R&B/rap artist: Nicki Minaj.  This goes without saying, but Nicki is obviously competing to be the
next Gaga, who actually looked pretty demure, even with a scepter. Nicki, on the other hand, looked like a black Red Riding Hood. She needs forgiveness from this sin!

Worst Pop artist: Fergie.  Like the Fashion Police, I like that she took a bold risk with the orange hue, but I will never understand the need to showcase your undergarments. If it had a nude slip, it probably would have made my best-dressed list, but the black lingerie is too distracting and tacky. Glamorous? Not so much!

Worst host: LL Cool J.  He looks like a chauffeur with that doofy cap, and the dark top coat paired with the grayish black pants are more uniform than host. Mama said knock you out!

Worst guy: Common.  So LL over-did it, but Common, who I’m fairly certain doesn’t give a crap about the Grammy’s ever, looks like he came from the recording studio. Are those jeans? I’m also willing to bet that’s a t-shirt under a cheap blazer with a pocket square.

Worst Victoria’s Secret model: Anne V.  I’m sure she’s only confident when she’s wearing next to nothing, so no wonder she’s all smiles. However, boyfriend Adam Levine looks very well groomed, and next to him, Anne looks like a street-walker. Not to mention, one quick glance and it appears Anne’s Maroon 5 is on display.

Worst couple: Diana Krall and Elvis Costello.  Old and sloppy! She forgot to do her hair and have her dress hemmed, and he must be colorblind because his navy teal suit clashes with Diana’s black sheath dress. Oh yeah, and with that top hat, Elvis and LL could start their own limousine service.

Worst non-artist arrival: Taraji P. Henson.  The style makes her seem thicker in the middle, and while the pink is a flattering color, the fade out to animal print makes this The Curious Case of where’s her stylist?

Gaga moment: Sasha Gradiva.  Looks like Nicki has some competition! Sasha’s welding is commemorative of Gaga’s unpredictable red carpet appearances, but I’m surprised she got through security with a weapon. I also think she looks like Gwen Stefani and Madonna had a love child.

Didn’t love it or hate it: Carrie Underwood.  I really liked the black dress she wore during her duet with Tony Bennett, so ladies, if you have a tight, toned physique, don’t hide it in what appears to be a straightjacket. The sparkle was pretty enough, but part of me wishes she could Undo this red carpet moment.

Do you agree? If not, who wore your favorite dresses and who was a red carpet hott mess?

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Dirty Dancing: Panama Nights

Posted by emzkbd on February 7, 2012

Last week, it was scandalous skinny-dipping in Puerto Rico, but this week’s Ben’s plane touched down on Courtney’s Panama City’s landing strip for some dirty dancin’… Patrick Swayze not included.

But before we get there, Courtney reminds us how Ben—like sperm whales—made the ocean extra-salty. I’m really looking forward to the fall-out from this on the Women Tell All. The skinny-dipping, not the cum chum in the ocean!

Ben tells all of his brides-to-be that each of them will get a date, and no one is more hard up to get one than man-hands Blakeley. She is dying to take Ben somewhere special, and by that I mean to her hermaphroditic  undercarriage. (See, Kait, that IS a word!)

Blakeley uses her she-man wrestling skills to tackle the real winner of the one-on-one date, Kacie B. Ben wants to play a little game of Survivor show-me-your-coconuts for a day and tells her to pack three items. Well, let’s see, I’m willing to bet she brings her baton, an oversized sweater than hangs off one shoulder, aaaaaand her gag reflex. Muahahahaha!

Oooo, I like this game! What would the other women bring?

  • Rachel: A retainer, a self-help book on how to succeed on a reality dating show, and a pack of Marlboros.
  • Lindzi: A cowboy hat, a fishing pole (so she can finally one-up Courtney), and that pearl necklace from her one-on-one.
  • Courtney:  A blindfold, handcuffs and nipple clamps! What else? One of my girlfriends said “three condoms,” but now that I think about it you really think she’d use condoms? Does this look like the face of someone who practices safe sex?

Her mouth is begging to suck some…

Back to the date, Ben and Kacie B. retreat to a deserted island, much like Brad and Emily did last season, and unfortunately this date is only slightly more interesting. Kacie B. brought a “monkey man” (no, not Kellan Lutz circa Twilight), a pocket knife and some candy. Shoulda gone with the blindfold, handcuffs and nipple clamps! Sex on the beach would have been more exciting than scavenging for edibles. Right, Courtney? Come on, you had a “normal” dinner date planned later anyway.

As I’m sure you could tell, Ben wanted some coconuts in his face, and Kacie B. wanted Ben to bust a ‘nut. The sexual tension was more obvious than Courtney parading around topless, frolicking in an empty pool or lurking outside a hotel room in a bathrobe. But instead, these Ben and Kacie B. go and catch a dead fish… and EAT IT! Makes Lady and the Tramp look classy!

Later on, Ben appreciates Kacie B.’s ability to “go with the flow,” just not as much as Courtney’s ability to swallow his flow. He also tells her he wants to “dive in deep” tonight. Uhhh, I think you already did that with Courtney.

Meanwhile, at the condo, the women receive the group date card and inevitably come to the conclusion that Blakeley and Rachel are destined for the ominous two-on-one date. Blakeley prepares to mindfuck her competition! Honestly, I’m sure she’s the only one in Bachelor history who sees this as an opportunity. Me? I would have packed my bags and called an ex-boyfriend to pick me up at the airport, to which I’m sure Casey S. can relate.

But before we get there, we have to endure a very serious conversation with Ben and Kacie B. Here I thought she’d confess to a teen pregnancy, recreational drug use or a stalker ex-boyfriend, but no! She had an eating disorder. Well, if binging and purging puts you on the Bachelor in a bikini, count me in! See, not everyone dies, and if you don’t, you’ll eventually reach your goal weight—once a nutritionist gets involved. Hey! Nobody said weight loss was easy! And since we’re sharing confessions, Courtney, do you have anything you’d like to expel? Maybe a half-eaten sandwich or handful of baked potato chips?

No? Okay, well either way it’ll still be her time to shake her ta-tas shine on the group date when Ben pulls up in a rickety Amazonian boat that clearly looks like it was patched with duct tape. No worries, though, as it carries Ben and all the women to a tribal village where they’re forced to strip down to cultural attire. Well, everyone except Courtney, who willfully undresses!

Likewise, Ben arrives in a loincloth, which hides his totem pole from the ladies when he realizes Courtney is flaunting her chesticles. Just an observation—no one else’s beaded tops appear to be see-through, so I think the black bar and shading were just a scandalous tease.  You be the judge?

They spend some more time trying to converse with the tribe, while Ben and Courtney have their own little date as always. She gets a little frisky during their bump-and-grind and tells him she’s “got to pinch him somewhere.” Queue Ben: My peen, my peen! Pretty please, pinch my peen!

Afterward, Ben again alludes to this whole going-with-the-flow concept, when (again) we really know he wants to watch the flow of rain trickling over Courtney’s bare boobies. Oh the joys of going primal!

During the group date, Ben and Lindzi have a tipsy conversation poolside, and it almost seems like she’s about to throw tits-McGee under the bus, when Ben chimes in that she’s so low-maintenance and drama-free. However, she admits to crying over Ben, but not as much as Blakeley. I mean, who can compete with Waterworks? Oh wait…

The date card arrives, and just when Blakeley thinks she’s in-it-to-win-it, Kacie B. pulls out the other date card. Peaches and roses? Yep, Rachel, the best things come in cans and bouquets.

Back at the date, Ben and Courtney steal away (with their clothes on this time), and Courtney suggests that Ben should stop by her room later, number 666 or something like that, so that Ben can “return the favor.” Guess that answers that question.

Courtney’s been planning this private time since the moment they pulled up their pants on the beach in Puerto Rico, and she can tell that “Ben’s itching for some, too!” That or from the crabs you gave him! But alas, Ben proved to be the average man—not so much in to the “give” as they are in to the “receive.”

More group date drama! Jamie tries to keep her fifteen minutes of fame alive, but Ben seems pretty set on sending her home without a lip-lock audition. To make matters worse, her plans of nabbing that first kiss are thwarted when the water nymph splashes around in the pool. “Hola! La piscina es muy frío. Quítate los pantalones!”

From one attention whore to the next… would someone please explain to me what happened to Emily this week? She’s drinking the I-want-to-stay-on-the-show kool-aid. She tries a lame attempt at humor, stating she’s got it bad for the chief. Ben ate it up, but I’m sure he was ready to start talking about Courtney some more.

EminEmily goes back to the group and decides to apologize to Courtney, which is like forgiving a Satanist. They just don’t accept it. I liked her better when she was fronting the Lynch Courtney mob.

On our two-on-one, Ben takes the ladies for salsa lessons. He feels bad for them, but he is also quite sure that he’s not ready to experience the double feature in Blakeley’s panties. He also admits that he’s not into the sexuality of the dancing, but rather the chemistry he will have with his partner. Again, this can be interpreted as “Blakeley, keep your baby dick as far away from me as possible.”

Blakeley is prepared to win this dirty dancing competition, so she tucked her junk aside and went for it. Sweating like an old man in a sauna? It just makes her look more sultry. Rachel, on the other hand, can’t even cut in on their dance. She’s got moves you’ve never seen… literally because we’ve never seen her make one.

At dinner, it can’t be any more black and white than their dresses. Ben’s caught in the middle of these two, just like he’d be caught between Blakeley’s hole or pole. Their strategies are also very different. Rachel goes for the full-on makeout, while Blakeley goes full-on stalker:

“Everywhere I’ve gone, I’ve just tried to picture it me and you—me feeding you in a wrought-iron cage. I don’t want to lose you before you even get to know me so I can’t let you escape. I’ve drugged you so you can’t move, and I’m going to share something with you that will probably make you quite uncomfortable because it looks like a serial killer created it. But I want you to know that I’ve already pictured our life together, and our children will be really attractive.”

I swore there would be customized photos of their wedding, honeymoon and future family. To Blakeley, it’s a scrapbook, but to Ben, it’s a burn book. So it’s no surprise he let her go, albeit not the smoothest rejection, considering she might come back and murder him and his bedmate on the overnight dates.

“That guy” is back to take her bags, and some clueless cat is prowling the neighborhood. I’m not sure I see the connection here; unless it’s the pussy Ben will never have, I’m at a loss.

The next day the women are discussing their menstrual cycles when Dr. Harrison stops by to diagnose Casey S. with a case of boyfriend blues. She caved pretty fast when Chris confronted her with the truth, so much so that it makes her look like a plant on the show. Producers must have decided that it was time to stage a riveting exit, like they did last season with Bentley. Her acting is horrible! Let’s hope that she’s not pursuing a career in Hollywood.

Even Ben doesn’t seem that surprised with the cameramen already in his room. Mid-confession, Casey shows us why they really picked her to be on the show—her ability to spontaneously combust into a fit of tears while still having a rational discussion with the host. I was waiting all season for an ugly-crier, and she gave an Oscar-worthy ugly cry performance. My words of advice to future contestants: Don’t be open to love (pfffff), be open to the possibility of a realllllly ugly cry!

Casey’s parting words: “Now I still have to find someone else… and I have to deal with this.” Honey, there are plenty of other dating shows! If only Love in the Wild gets renewed…

A few observations from the cocktail party: Nicki’s voice sounds like a cross between a crotchety old lady and a croaking frog, and we should check in every week with Courtney on who’s going home because she’s fairly accurate.

In the grand finale, the epic “dirty dance” of the episode comes from closet-freak Jamie, who decides to end her time on a slutty note. She begins her seduction by telling Ben that she wants to do things to him, like hold hands and skip through the park. She also had REALLY big plans, which almost caused her to split her dress as she saddled up to Ben’s pony.

She spends the next 5-10 minutes apologizing and making excuses for her inexhaustible case of the giggles and finishes with a confession: she’d like to get a little “fancier” … by braiding each other’s hair. Well, not exactly, but with her track record, that could have been their next bonding moment. Instead, she gives Ben a kissing lesson, much like the one I gave my fifteen year old boyfriend. I mean the one I had in high school! Who do you think I am? Demi Moore?

Unfortunately for Jamie, her time is up… literally! Ben doesn’t want to “have her”—as a lapdog or otherwise. He tells her to ride like the wind and find a new horse to groom in her stable of chastity, which I’m sure piqued Lindzi’s fetish.

No real surprises tonight, unless you thought Ben was into dudes Blakeley, but next week will surely have us on the edge of our seats as Ben prepares to send two more home. Who do you think will make it through next week to the hometown dates?

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