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Sex Tie Breaker?

Posted by emzkbd on February 26, 2013

The beginning of the end starts in Thailand. Sean: “These are my last three girls… sex tie breaker?”

Final two

Sean lounges around—literally, in a wifebeater in a hammock—while he recaps his journey with each of the women. Blah, blah, blah. This is when I started drinking! And then it happened—Bachelor Nation Speaks Out via Twitter. One of the first tweets said “Jennifer Lawrence loves The Bachelor“, making Chris Harrison poop more than rainbows.

Sean goes for a swim… to clear his head. I don’t know why he didn’t just spank it. His first date is with Lindsay, and they go to the market. One tweeter says her dad is addicted to the show. Now in my viewing party, almost all the girls chimed in that their dads watch it, too. See future husbands of American women what you have to look forward to in your older age!

Sean and Lindsay sample various foods. Upon watching the season, Lindsay will say: “Why didn’t Sean buy ME an eternity bracelet?” Apparently, Lindsay said she wouldn’t eat bugs, so in true Survivor-fashion, they eat ‘em. Bugs Lindsay looks like she can’t get enough water through her straw. At least her torch won’t be snuffed tonight!

Sean attributes Lindsay to a “high school sweetheart”. Little does he know she’s still in high school. Their date continues on a beach with monkeys. Monkeys Lindsay throws someone’s intestines grapes at ‘em. They proceed to make out for the monkeys. Monkey see, monkey do it—monkey-style!

The date concludes with dinner and a show. Sean asks Lindsay if she’d move to Dallas, and she says yes. But why do the women have to move? Just because he has his own show, they have to pick up and relocate? How pre-feminist movement, Sean!

All of a sudden, dancers emerge with crazy long (fake) fingernails. These chicks are bendy. No wonder men love Asians! Apparently, this put Sean in the mood because he busts out the Fantasy Suite card, and Lindsay doesn’t hesitate. Not sure what they’re going to do, but one tweeter might have it right: “Have praying and fantasy suite ever been used in the same sentence?”

I had to explain the Fantasy Suite to my Bachelor Virgin friend—no, not Sean Lowe! It’s where the Bachelor/ette takes each of his/her final three to talk, make out and seductively clothes the door or draw the shades just as things are getting good. Unless you’re Viena Girardi who throws on lingerie and gets the party started while the cameras are still there!

Lindsay chokes (on a bug?) while trying to tell Sean how she feels about him, but then she catches her second wind and purrs “I love you”. Sean loves hearing her saying that, even though she’s only said it one time.

The next day, AssLee is ready to spend the day with “the love of her life” on a boat. She says she’s like “a schoolgirl in love”. What are with these references? Does Sean have a fetish?

Their destination is the Emerald Cave, and they have to swim through it to get to their private beach. AssLee is scared and wants to ensure they have a “floaty-thing”. Uhhh, I think you’ll be fine—you have two! AssLee brings up her fear of abandonment as if Sean were going to leave her stranded in this cave.

Another tweet says the producers love getting Sean wet this season, but I think their real objective was to get their demographic—ladies age 18-34—wet this season. The camera cuts to a sign written in Thai (presumably)—beware the cave! But in they go! Haven’t you people seen The Descent?! I swore I saw a person in there with them. Or maybe it was just a cameraman creepin’!

AssLee talks about letting go or else “you won’t fall in love”, but if it were me in that cave, I wouldn’t let go of anything! Then they see “the light at the end of the tunnel”! Could it be the end of your relationship? Or is that too much foreshadowing?

Once they emerge, my first thought is “sex on the beach”. Again, if it were me, I’d tell the cameramen to take a hike because that’s once in a lifetime, for sure. Just don’t forget to put a towel or two down.

AssLee says she’s ready to say yes to Sean’s proposal and she doesn’t think there are two more human beings more right for each other. Hmm, I could think of two…

Another dinner date on the beach with these two makes me worry there will be more vocal expressions of affection in the form of screaming. Sean tells her that if he gets down on one knee, it means he will spend the rest of his life with you. Can we hold you to that, Sean?

During this portion of their date, my group of lady-friends was trying to figure out what AssLee’s necklace said. Asshat? Eggnest? Note: Possessionista.com says it’s “gypset” which refers to the “boho, casual California lifestyle.” Ok….

Sean has other things on his mind as he hands AssLee the Fantasy Suite card. He wants her to know what his intentions are—dry-humping like rabbits—without any distractions—all night! AssLee is down with that, but she doesn’t want to cross any boundaries, i.e. no heavy petting. {sad face} Does that mean he’ll have to get her off with a flower like in 40 Days and 40 Nights?

AssLee says she’s going to follow her heart and her heart is telling her she wants to spend time alone with Sean. Suuuuuuure, your heart’s telling you that! Pffft! Then, she drops this gem: “I like a cushion ring with diamonds all the way around on the band, and I think my ring size is 6.5… I definitely know what I want… and that’s more screen time.”

Sean’s third and final date takes him and Catherine on a jug boat, where Catherine plays “queen” of the world. Leo would be proud! Sean loves her weirdness.

Their dialogue continues, and it’s all “I’m a commitment-phobe”, “I haven’t been this vulnerable”, “I get scared”.  Then they backflip into the water, and Sean grabs her ass. My friends and I have determined he’s an ass-man as he’s grabbed a lot of booty in this episode. They get back on the boat and make out in the rain. Catherine says “I’m, like, in the clouds right now” as lightning strikes.

The date progresses to dinner where they enjoy Mai Tais, or as I like to call them “Thai Tais”. Sean asks her what their lives would look like in five years, and Catherine says “I wouldn’t be surprised if a kid was involved.” What are you going to kidnap one? Or are you talking about the annoying neighbor kid who always shows up on your doorstep?

In this midst of this conversation, a tweet pops up that says “Sean wonders if Catherine can settle down and start a family. Her mouth says yes. Her nose piercing says, ‘I’m outta here.’” She is the weirdest person, which makes all this “traditional” talk confusing. What about a nose ring is traditional?

At this time, it’s time to discuss the Fantasy Suite. “Before I even came… in my panties… I was thinking about the Fantasy Suite. There’s no way I would do that. I wouldn’t let myself do that. I wanted to make sure that I was still seen as a lady… not like the whore writing this post.”

Sean: “I love hearing you say that… [I just want] uninterrupted hours of finger-dipping and nob-noshing… just you and me.” Catherine accepts. The two of them depart for the room and their boring night of patty-cake. Catherine confesses she never thought a boy like Sean would like a girl like her. Honey, we already went over this. He has a thing for Asians. Nail-cam reveals her accent nail.

Meanwhile, Catherine tells Sean that she’d been made fun of a lot in her life, like “You’re chubby or you eat too much.” Soooo girls like me have a shot with a hunky, beefy guy like Sean? Sean: “You’re are smokin’ hot. I’m the lucky one.” Aww, so sweet! Now take off your shirt!

Catherine: “Sean has continually made me comfortable and feel safe to be completely myself and exploring anything with him… like our sexuality. When I look in Sean’s eyes, something visceral happens… in my loins.”

Then something really strange happened! They went back to the mansion in L.A. where Chris Harrison appeared to have something important to tell us. Nope! He duped us with a sneak peek of Oz: The Great and Powerful. Sneaky, sneaky, Mr. Harrison!

The next day, a half-naked Sean says he knows who he has to send home and he is dreading it. Before he drops the guillotine, he sits down with Dr. Chris, who reminds him that this was the week Sean went home on Emily’s season. Chris asks Sean if he can see his wife there, and when Sean says yes, Chris looks like he’s been blown away by the most confounding idea. That or maybe he actually believes the hype that Sean’s proposal will make it to the altar.

Sean: “It’s mind-blowing to even think about this… I actually get to have sex again.”

Chris leaves Sean with the very personal video messages, and as one tweeter says, “time for Sean to consult the pictures.” As the first message rolls, another tweeter says “I’m waiting for Sean to be all like, ‘We’re in Thailand so Phuket, ROSES FOR EVERYONE.’”

Lindsay, in her baby-talk voice, says “I met you in a wedding dress, and maybe soon I’ll be wearing one again for you.” From baby talk to baby doll, Catherine calls Sean a “mega-hunk” and says he gives her “the wiggles”. That sounds racist. Lastly, AssLee starts talking about her wall and her obsession with Sean, and then the tears start flowing. Video message I can’t believe no one edited this out. They can edit Arie’s flubs last season, but not her emotional breakdown. As this last video finishes, Sean’s thinking, “Oh great, I have to send the basket case home after that.”

Sean equates the rain to AssLee’s tears. I find it funny how he and she are wearing the same color—burgundy. The only difference is AssLee’s chesticles are boldly on display. It even looks like she cut a slit in her dress to reveal more cleavage.

Before he hands out the roses, Lindsay says Fuck, Shit, or Cunt. It had to be one of those! No worries, though, because she got the first rose. From there, it became the longest rose ceremony ever. Sean stood their holding the final rose for what seemed like forever.

Sean 2

Cut to Catherine: “Is it me? Pick me. Is it me? I don’t know.”

Cut to AssLee: “It has to be me. I’m praying to Jesus. I don’t know. Is it me?”

Sean picks up the rose. Both women are like “Pick me, pick me, pick me…”

Cut to Sean: “Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God…”

Cut to Catherine: “Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God…” Catherine

Cut to rose: “Oh God, just pick one already!”

the rose

Cut to AssLee: “It better be me, it better be me, it better be me…”

AshLee

Cut to Sean: “I guess I should say something, but nothing’s happening…”

Cut to Catherine: “It’s not me, it’s not me, it’s not me. Why didn’t I blow him?”

Sean: “And now I bow my head in prayer and hope to God she doesn’t cut off my manhood!”

And the final rose goes to Catherine, leaving AssLee glaring at Sean. They walk out, while the other women are confused that she didn’t say goodbye. Lindsay and Catherine Lindsay: “She’s pissed.” Well, in that moment, I can’t imagine you care about the future wife of the man who just broke up with you.

AssLee tells Sean to “just stay here.” He wants to explain himself, and she hears him out with the look that sank a thousand ships. Stone-cold bitch! Stone-cold bitch She hops in the car, seemingly unfazed. As the car drives away, I’m thinking, really, you can cry through every episode but then you can’t shed a tear when he dumps your ass. My sister said that’s because she’s a happy crier, but eventually the tears came and she shied away from the camera.

AssLee: “It’s hard saying goodbye to Sean because I let him in…to my vagina.” Ok, ok, ok… maybe not there, but he certainly couldn’t handle all of her emotion, so he sent her somewhere she could deal with them—The Women Tell All. See you next week for what is sure to be a Tierrable talkathon.

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Playboys need love, too

Posted by emzkbd on February 19, 2013

This week, Sean visited the final four’s hometowns and asked each girl’s father (and one’s mother) for their marriage blessing. I really think a sex tiebreaker would have made this week’s elimination a whole lot simpler, but apparently this Bachelor has “values”—whatever those are. I sure wouldn’t want my picture splashed across tabloid covers with the headline “Born-Again Virgin”—not even with the byline “Vaginal Rejuvenation Success Stories”.

The first hometown date wasn’t that far of a jog for Sean, who lives in Dallas. AssLee lives in Houston with her terrier Bailey. I hate that name unless it’s served on the rocks.

AssLee thinks she’s found true love. “What if he says, ‘You’re amazing, but you’re not the one!’” Then you go to counseling. Am I right?

This date is boring like all of their dates. AssLee: “God, you amaze me everytime!” Sean: “{doofy laugh} Hahaha, stop, I’m not God, but I can make you say his name.” AssLee: “You’re so handsome. I love looking at you.” Lots of closed-mouth kissing ensues, and AssLee cheers “YAY!” Nothing turns my vagina off faster than a close-mouth kiss.

AssLee and Sean arrive at her parent’s house, and she says she’s been dreaming about this day since she was 4 or 5 years old. I’m sure this was taken out of context because “meet the parents” isn’t exactly the make-believe game you play. I was more about dressing up in my mom’s lingerie and marrying my sister. See how things can get taken out of context?!

They sit down to eat in AssLee’s parent’s backyard… probably because of all the crucifixes, rosary beads or statues of Mary. AssLee’s dad wants to know every detail about their journey—where they’ve been, what they’ve seen, how close Sean’s peen came to AssLee’s hotbox. AssLee recalls the Polar Bear Plunge—with tears in her eyes—because it was really that cold… or because she was ready to marry Sean come hell or ice water.

Then she proceeds to tell them about their “romance” in St. Croix. AssLee: “We had fun in the sand, mama, you know, like they did in Grease. We rolled around in the sand, and I felt his man parts against my lady bits. That was really fun… and then I told him I loved him. He didn’t say anything because he’s contractually obligated.”

AssLee’s mom wants to reiterate the sense of abandonment AssLee experienced as an orphan. Basically Sean should be careful because sometimes she wanders off wearing a blindfold and awakes with no sense of who she is and how she got there.

From there, Sean sits down with her dad and tells him he’s “crazy about his daughter.” Then the crazy talk turns to AssLee’s underage marriage, and the lesson learned is you have to let your children make their own mistakes. Tear! Sean says he’s seen AssLee’s “core” and asks for her father’s permission to plunge his drill into it. He agrees. One down, four to go.

AssLee’s dad recalls the story of when he met AssLee, in one of the most heartfelt moments of the series. “Whatever man takes her for the rest of her life is gonna have to fall in love with her like that.” Then again, pedophilia—not so much! AssLee says she cries every time her dad shares that, which makes me wonder how many times she’s found “true love”. In true ABC Disney fairy tale fashion, AssLee says the day was magical, and there’s pixie dust everywhere. Well bibbity-bobbity-boo! My fairy godmother would be jealous.

The next hometown visits takes Sean to Seattle, where he finds Catherine in a busy marketplace. They make a wish on a pig—not sure if it was supposed to buck or vibrate, but it appears they stuck him with some coins. People are staring. What? You’ve never seen two people ride a ham?

They pass through Pike Place where they toss fish. Catherine drops hers because it’s “slippery”. Slippage can ruin relationships, Catherine. She says she loves the way Sean smells—like fish. She also loves his big, beefy arms and hopes he’s got the meaty sausage to match. Sean says Catherine brings out the kid in him.

Lots of squealing occurs when they enter Catherine’s house. Sean puts on an apron and flirts with her Grandma Graham Cracker, but for Catherine, the reception isn’t as welcoming. Her sisters are very critical of her choices because they feel like Catherine has to convince them to support her relationship. Catherine: “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t really care about this guy.” Yeah, I could see Tierra saying the same thing. Catherine’s sisters proceed to bash her former relationship dynamic. “Every guy that she’s dated has been real easy… she needs to be called out on her whorishness… she’s dirty… needs someone who can handle her mood swings.”

Catherine’s mom: “Will it work out? I don’t know. I don’t want my daughter to get hurt. You don’t want to lead her on because we don’t want that. So I think it’s best if you take your womanizing ways and pick the next girl.” Needless to say, Sean didn’t get her blessing even though he thinks “the world” of her daughter.

Next up, Sean goes to visit his army brat’s family in Missouri. This 24 year old possesses all the qualities Sean wants in a wife—ditzy voice, drunkenness, immaturity. She brings out the kid in him, just like Catherine does. Clearly, Sean doesn’t really want to grow up, which doesn’t bode well for his marriage proposal.

Lindsay and Sean bop around her small town and enjoy some cake smashing at a cupcake shop. Lindsay tells Sean to address her dad like “Hey, dude!” Then she makes him drop and give her twenty. “Don’t give me sass boi… kiss me harder… bend me over this bench… about face {smacks his ass}!”

Sean: “Lindsay’s dad is a big deal… like Ron Burgundy!” Good thing you got in a few pushups and crunches. “Part of Lindsay’s dad’s job is making men—with his stern General sperm—and hopefully he sees that I am a man, and not a sissy little girl who wears salmon-colored pants.”

Lindsay looks exactly like her mother, and her brother looks like he takes after her dad and Frankenstein. They tell her parents about Lindsay’s entrance in a wedding dress. Lindsay’s mom thinks it’s hysterical, while her dad thinks he’s about to be demoted. Lindsay’s mom says Lindsay “looks content… she looks at peace.” What is she, a corpse? Are they anticipating a wedding or a funeral?

Sean tells her mom that he’s not ready to commit to love… or anyone… because he’s The Bachelor and none of them commit. Sean is smitten with her mom, and it appears she is about ready to pounce on him. “Who you are is fantastic!” Yep, I’m sure she pinched his tushie on the way out.

Finally, Sean gets to “the talk” with the two-star General. Sean’s “crazy about your daughter”, sir. If someone were crazy about me, I’d ask if they were on medication. Lindsay’s dad ponders giving a blessing. He’s never been asked a “tougher question.” He tells Sean he “has to have the authority to make the decision”, so he gives his blessing but says he’ll take it back if Lindsay says no. Well duh!

Before he leaves, the General gives him dog tags, and everyone wants to hug Sean, including her doofy brother, who eagerly waited in line for a bear hug.

In a totally different world, Sean makes his last stop in L.A. where Dez lives. She greets him with the running approach and leaps into his arms to wrap her legs around him. Barf! Dez tells him she doesn’t want to miss him, but she tells us she wants to make out. After they freshen up from their super sweaty hike, they go back to her house. Someone else besides Sean was planning to make a visit, and Sean is confused, especially when this stranger says he loves Dez. “Whoooooaaaa!” Sean thinks he needs to leave, but I’m like, No, stay! I like Alpha-male Sean. Fight, fight, fight! “Don’t put your hands on me!” No, put your hands on meeeee, Sean! I love how all of America was convinced it was her ex when I’ve known since before the season started that this was a hoax.

Dez can definitely give one—a joke, not a BJ. Then the scary woman from The Blair Witch Project arrives—or at least that’s how I would have pictured her. Dez: “My mom’s so cute.” Really? She kinda freaks me out. Sean and Dez proceed to repeat (not finish) each other’s sentences.

Dez’s brother has words of wisdom. “A lot of guys could make you happy… that’s not what it’s about though… I’m thinking this is not going to work… This is like stupid, almost, like me.” Har har har! Mr. Debonair asks to talk with Sean.

Things get tense because Mr. Know-it-all wants Sean to admit he’s a fraud. Sean is praying for answers to this question, so he starts rambling about giving affection to Dez. Sean: “Does that put your mind at ease?” Doofus: “Aw no, I think you just a playboy… having fun with the circumstances.” Sean: “That’s not me… that’s Chris Harrison.” Dumbo: “No, I’m not buying it.”

Sean wanted to tell Dickwad off, but he didn’t want to make a scene. Then her parents started talking about the weather and how it’s raining Douche-nozzles. Once Sean leaves, Dingleberry admits he called Sean a playboy, which sends Dez off the handle. Dipshit: “He is not the one!” Oh, the number of times I’ve heard that from family members.

Finally, an hour and 37 minutes into the episode, Sean is half naked in his closet. He can picture his life with Lindsay and AssLee, but he’s unsure about Dez and her crazy brother and Catherine, a.k.a. Miss Independent. So he does what any normal guy dating four women would do, he talks to his therapist—Chris Harrison. Sean: “Nope, no clarity this week, Chris! I have no idea who I’m sending home.” Chris: “Are all four women literally on the chopping block?” What is this Survivor now? You gonna snuff their torches, too, Chris?

Sean is afraid he’ll make the wrong choice—like Jason Mesnick. Think of the positive, Sean—at least you can still marry and impregnate your runner-up! Before he hands out any roses, Dez interrupts and asks him to step outside to apologize for her dirtbag brother’s behavior. Meanwhile, Catherine is having a meltdown. “Should I have pulled him aside and offered him a handie?” The sure-things get their roses, but before he gives out the final rose he sets it back down. Even though I knew the ending, it still startled me to think he would ask for another rose… or run away with dong tucked between his legs.

Dr. Harrison returns and offers this advice: “Get this right!” Hahahaha! Don’t eff up, Seanie! Otherwise, you’ll be the laughing-stock of reality TV, right behind Jessie Palmer forgetting that chick’s name. In the end, though, Sean sends Dez home, after having reassured her that his feelings for her have nothing to do with her brother. That’s the best—“It’s not you; it’s your brother.”

Sean tells her that he’s been battling this all day like a cancerous tumor. Dez tells him he’s making a huge mistake—not 99.9%, but 100%. Sean even admits, “It might be.” Although if it makes her the Bachelorette, then I’m sure she’ll get over it. I feel like I’m watching my breakup all over again. “Don’t let me go… it’s not right… I don’t know what I’m going to do about my life… all I want to do is make someone happy… like, that is all I want to do.” As my sister said, “Get some goals, girl!”

Until next week… I hope you all enjoyed Sean’s shower scene on “Sean Tells All” this evening! I know I did!! Queue a cold shower!

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Nobody will take my sparkle!

Posted by emzkbd on February 12, 2013

This week, Sean wanted to break the rules and fly with all the women to St. Croix because he’s very optimistic that he’ll find his wife and a plane ride might solidify that.

When they arrive at the resort, Tierra pulls out a cot. “I’m not friend with girls who like my boyfriend, and I don’t share beds with them either.”

AssLee gets the first date card and admits she gets emotionally carried away with Sean. Tierra: “The cougar’s back in town.” Finally, someone else agrees she looks like Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, and as for the cougar talk, 32 is one of the oldest bachelorettes we’ve seen make it this far. Makes me feel old!

Sean says AssLee has the biggest heart and the second biggest titties left, apart from Tierra’s. After witnessing a whole lotta sideboob from her last night, AshLee's sideboob I also noticed how perfectly perky her boobies are, which makes me think they’re fake. AssLee uses Sean and her flotation devices to swim out to a catamaran, but not before the camera guy checks out Ass’s ass.

At the resort, the women speculate about AssLee’s date and plot rolling Tierra’s cot into the ocean.  Meanwhile, Sean asks AssLee about the “drama” in the house. AssLee wastes no time confessing the antics of Miss Pouty Pants. She also confesses that she’s dreamt of waking up next to Sean. The next scenes show them dry humping in the sand and grinding in the water. Sure that’s the only thing you dream of, AssLee?

Later, the date card arrives for Tierra. She hopes Sean is “saving something” for her—like his revirginized peen. Born again virgin What a cockamamie story—emphasis on the cock! Someone can be heard cooing “Awww jelly belly” and it makes me want candy! Tierra sounds like Selma, whining about every last detail: “Being attacked by bugs, the sweatiness, and my makeup dripping off… frizzy hair, dizziness, my oozy tampon… that’s not fun or cool… I love boating and being on the water, so why I can’t we repeat Cougar Town’s date instead of walking around some lame town?”

To conclude the episode’s first date, Sean and AssLee have dinner on the beach, where she has a serious confession to drop. She definitely drags this one out: “He needs to know all about me… this is definitely gonna be a make-or-break… I really just want to breeze through this… I just wanna say it and be done with it… I’m sorry for this… so fifteen years ago… I was having a really hard time in life… I had a boyfriend at the time… things were really difficult with my mom and I… and I got a sex change operation married at seventeen.”

Sean: “So you wanted to be on Teen Mom?”

AssLee: “I don’t want to be this broken boy girl who comes to you.”

Sean: “I had no idea what you were about to say. I thought you were going to tell me something terrible… like you were a dude!”

AssLee was nervous to tell Sean about her previous lifestyle relationship. Then, she stands on her chair and screams “I love Dick Sean!” Ashlee screaming She proceeds to drop the ‘L’ word a half-dozen times. At this point, Sean can’t wait for his date with Miss Pouty Pants.

Sean: “Is Tierra the sweet girl that I thought she was or is she not so nice?” This is turning into the plot of some raunchy wannabe Santa porn.

Sean and Tierra have some coladas before browsing the marketplace. Sean throws money around to impress her. He buys her an eternity bracelet, and she gushes, thinking he’s going to drop to one knee like they do in those effing “Marry Me Monday” advertisements. They turn a corner, and music is blasting as a real parade heads their direction. Tierra: “BLACK PEOPLE! RUN! They’ll try to steal my bracelet. Tierra dancing Oh wait, I love to dance and have fun! Look! It’s Sean Paul!”

After the street powwow, Tierra wants a snow cone. Sean wants one, too, so she pouts.

Tierra: “No matter how hard I try to be who I am to the girls, they don’t want to accept it, and I think it’s because they’ve been pissed off since I got that first rose. I got the rose, and now Courtney Robs and I can be besties.”

Sean: “You think it’s more of a jealousy thing?”

Tierra: “I don’t know… like I try to talk to them when I sit by myself in a corner with a smug look on my face.”

Sean: “If you could do it over again, would you act differently in front of the other girls?”

Tierra: “These girls aren’t gonna be around for much longer… because I plan on stabbing them all in their sleep!”

The rest of their date goes much the same way AssLee’s did—except Tierra doesn’t scream out her affections for Sean like an epileptic. Instead, she tells him she feels “behind in the game.” Like… do not pass Go… do not collect $200? But Sean flat out tells her that their lack of development may have something to do with the drama in the house.

After the third date card arrives for Cat, Dez, and Lindz, it’s obvious Les gets the last one-on-one. She wants to be locked in a closet with Sean playing Seven Minutes in Heaven or doin’ it doggy-style on Tierra’s cot.

Back on the date, Tierra now knows someone threw her under the bus, so she does what any scrambler would do—whispers to Sean that she is falling in love with him.

Sean: “I’ve finally come to the conclusion that she’s probably not nice to the other women, but she’s being genuine when she says she’s here for me and her handies aren’t bad either.” Some people are so jaded!

What comes next has to be a test! Sean asks if she wants to run into the ocean—like some other biatch we know. She passed on all counts because she wouldn’t dive in—probably because it would mess up her hair, wash her makeup off, get sand in her kuka shell, etc.

The next morning, Sean wants to surprise the group daters without their makeup on. Sean says they look better than he does in the morning. Really, Sean! Do you wear makeup when you leave the house then? I like Catherine, who’s like, “I just need to pee and I’m good to go.” On the other hand, I agree with Lindsay because I would want to shave my pits, too.

The group date will take them from one side of the island for sunrise to the other side for sunset. Such a romantic moment to share with the man of your dreams and two other women! Dez wanted some lip action, but I guess a four-way kiss was outta the question, huh ABC?

Sean loves road head trips, and how couldn’t you if you’re a guy with three hot chicks all ready to blow you?! Lindsay admits she doesn’t take a lot of guys home, but I think all women in America would agree Sean is one to take home, tie down, and saddle up.

Along their excursion, they stop at a tree house, where Dez wastes no time with the “tie down” part, lassoing him to a tree and monopolizing his time. This bothers the other two girls who also wanted to reenact a scene from Fifty Shades of Grey. Sugarcane would make a good whip, right?

Their final stop highlights Lindsay’s pimple. Sean and Lindsay are reminiscing about how far they’ve come, but all I can see and hear is that pimple saying “POP ME!” Pimple

Somehow Catherine finds time to converse with Sean, and once again she drops another traumatic story on him. Her father was abused by his stepfather, and he attempted to commit suicide in front of her and her sisters. Then they see dolphins, and it’s all rainbows and butterflies again.

Back at the resort, Lesley and AssLee are speculating who will get the rose and if Tierra will confront AssFace. Editing makes it appear that Tierroist is eavesdropping and “enough is enough”, bitches!

Dez is really gunning for the rose on the group date, so she plays the weepy card—“My family’s, like, everything to me.” Unfortunately, the sob stories of the date don’t pull at Sean’s heart strings as much as Lindsay’s throbbing pimple, but fortunately the sun sets fast enough so we don’t have to glimpse it anymore.

On the last date, Sean shows up in salmon-colored shorts, and (what a coincidence!) Lesley meets him in a salmon-colored skirt—something “right out of a movie.” Sean is a little unsure about his relationship with Lesley, so to figure if they pick they venture into a secret garden to pick an avocado.

Lesley admits she thinks the women on this show are fools, but she herself has become one of those women—she wants to tell Sean that she’s falling for him, buuuuut she chokes. There are some awkward silences, some more fruit-picking, a passionate kiss, and then it’s over.

The next day, Sean’s sister Shay arrives for a surprise visit. “You don’t want to break their hearts, but their hearts will get broken and they’ll get over it, just like yours was broken and you got over it.” Truer words were never spoken on this show! Shay doesn’t want Sean to end up with “that one”.

At that same moment, “that one” and AssLee are having a chitchat about Tierra’s character. Tierra doesn’t want to sit around with a 32-year-old talking about high school stuff. Tierra: “Girls are jealous. Men love me.” Meanwhile, Shay doesn’t want Sean to end up with the girl no one likes.

Tierra storms off and then storms back in. AssLee is pissed because Tierra doesn’t say good morning, or swap makeup tips, or share bikini bottoms (i.e. AssLee’s two-toned bikini), or appreciate her cookies (a clip we STILL haven’t seen). Tierra insists AssLee intended to sabotage her time with Sean because, let’s face it, who doesn’t want that bitch gone?

AssLee is tired of Tierra’s blank stares and raised eyebrow, but Tierra can’t help those things because that’s just how her face works without Botox. Huh? Isn’t that the other way around?

Sparkle

Clearly we missed a conversation this season in which Tierra must have talked about her parents. AssLee says even Tierra’s parents were worried about her coming on the show because she can’t get along with other girls. Tierra denies this because she has “a sparkle”. She says her parents said, “Do not let those bitches take your sparkle away.” She continues: “If I could walk around with a smile on 24/7, I would, but my face would get frickin’ tired.” Didn’t we learn in grade school that it takes more muscles to frown than smile?

While this is happening, Sean decides to go and get Tierra so that she can meet his sister. He’s clueless as he strolls to her room.

Tierra: “I have been put through a lot. Maybe not an orphanage, or death by falling tree, or suicidal parents, or losing an arm in the womb, but bitches try to steal my sparkle.”

Sean finds Tierra sobbing. “Once again, it’s the Tierra show!” He wants her to meet someone, but their date has been heavy on her heart, which forced her to confront AssLee for sabotaging their relationship.  Sean takes a moment to ponder his actions; his sister told him that if a girl cannot get along with other girls then that’s trouble. Men take note!

Sean returns to Tierra’s side to confess that the “someone” is his sister, and she completely falls apart in the you-did-that-for-me sort of way. Tierra 3 But instead reassuring her as he’s done before, he drops the guillotine and tells her it’d be best if she went home to crazytown. What’s even more shocking is that this time she doesn’t urge him to keep her!

Sean says he didn’t see it coming, which he would have had he seen the footage, but he’s not shocked that it happened, either, because she hasn’t taken her Midol.

Sean: “I think the world of you.”

Tierra: “Obviously not enough!” Take that, Seanie! And then in the limo minivan: “I can’t believe they did this to me. I hope the girls got what they wanted.” Oh, I think they did, and so did the rest of America! “Nobody will take my sparkle away!” Sparkle on, sista!

On to the rose ceremony, or so they think! More speculating on what may have happened! Lindsay: “I think she cried and said ‘This is so hard!’” Dez: “’All the girls are so mean to me!’” AssLee thinks her ass is on the line because of her connection to the drama. Sean arrives to explain the day’s events and informs them that Tierra’s gone to a better place—Bachelor Pad.  Oh please, oh please, oh please!

He also tells them he’s passing on a cocktail party because he can’t face Lesley and her awkward silences anymore. Catherine takes it the hardest because, like me, she wanted Sean to pick Lesley. So sad we won’t see her again until the WTA in a few weeks, but in the meantime, I’ll be rooting for her as my numero uno pick for The Bachelorette. Let’s start the campaign!

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And they lived happily ever… AW HELL NAW!

Posted by emzkbd on February 5, 2013

Like all fairy tales, this one has a Prince Charming, but first we meet the Genie from the lamp—Chris Harrison—who arrives to grant the ladies their reality TV wish. Their fairy tale trip around the world begins today… with their first destination being Whitefish, Montana. Really? Not a castle in France or a palace in the desert.

Charming

Prince Charming’s never been to Montana, as I reckon most princes haven’t. He’ll have a lot of princesses to keep him company, and one evil sea witch named Ursula.

The first princess to accompany Prince Charming on his travels is Snow White, whose voice is still as annoying as ever. (Ok, ok, so there’s no resemblance on this one.)

Snow White

Snow White: “Is that a helicopter?” Nope, it’s an RV with propellers.

They soar over Glacier National Park and then park it on Pocahontas’s Indian reservation. Snow tells the Prince about her days as an army brat, living with way more than seven dwarves. Snow also tells him that she never really had a relationship with her father, probably because he was poisoned by her evil stepmother. No wonder she drinks too much wine and dances around in a wedding gown, singing “Some Day my Prince will Come”. Prince Charming gives her a rose.

At the hotel, the group date card arrives, and Ursula is as “happy as a little bumblebee filled with honey” since she’ll be on the two-on-one date with her nemesis The Little Mermaid. Princess Aurora thinks Ursula needs to get “sober” before her date; nobody likes a drunk villain.

Ursula 2

Before the first one-on-one is over, the Prince has one more surprise for Snow White. He whisks her away to downtown Whitefish, where a mob of people—the entire town, population 30—have gathered to cut out her heart. Unfortunately, they didn’t succeed, but I bit into that apple and passed out hardcore for the rest of their date.

The next day…

Sean: “I don’t necessarily need an outdoorsman wife…” What does that mean exactly? You don’t care if she has both man and woman parts?

Princess Jasmine: “I come down the hill and I see my Prince Charming waiting there for me.” I guess Aladdin’s out of the picture.

Jasmine

On the group date, the women participate in a relay race—canoeing, hauling hay, sawing wood, and milking a goat. Belle: “I have never had a desire in my life to drink goat’s milk, but I will down goat’s milk—like a good book—to get more time with Sean.”

Alice: “I’m gonna chug that goat milk like it’s my job. I’m no stranger to sipping strange liquids that build strong bones and make me grow five stories tall.”

Alice

Cinderella is nervous. “I don’t think having one arm is going to hold me back today. After all, I’m the only one of these bitches with a fairy g-ma.”

CinderellaLook—only one arm!

During the first part of the race, no one can paddle the canoes—not even Pocahontas, who uses one as her primary mode of transportation. Blue team docks first, but the red team takes over bucking their hay and crosscutting their wood. It comes down to milking their goat. “Get that right nipple!” Evidently the more productive nipple! Belle’s goat knocks over her mason jar, but she milks that goat like the pro she is and gulps down that warm, creamy nipple shplooge to earn a win for the red team.

Alice: “Weak people piss me off and losing pisses me off and not getting more time with Prince Charming pisses me off and that damn Cheshire cat pisses me off.” The losers exit in a white chariot van.

Prince Charming takes the winners to a magical place called Casey’s, but he misses the losers. He felt his wife might have been on the blue team, so he summons them to his cave of wonders. Belle is pissed that she deep-throated that white stuff. Tiana is mad they “got nothing extra out of it”—not even just his tip.

Ursula sits on the porch writing spells in her fake journal. Then she steals one of the “loser’s” shirts and stalks off to Sean’s soiree, where the winners are getting angry and the losers are arriving Sex in the City-style (side-by-side down main street).

“Are you expecting any other surprises this evening?” says one of the Prince’s servants. “You mean, the ‘Marry Me Monday’ special, which airs on the following commercial?

Ursula feels like she got a “huge cock slap in the face”, but it was probably just one of her tentacles unfurling from beneath her stolen shirt. “I need to stalk the guy I’m dating.” Actually, that’s a common mistake amongst lovesick teenagers and evil villains who patrol the beaches using a stolen voicebox to mesmerize the man of their dreams.

Ursula: “I told you this from the get-go: I don’t want to be misled and I’m a real person and I have real feelings, but everything else about me is fake, including what I just said.” Nevertheless, she feels like she got a head-start with the two-on-one date.

Prince Charming returns to the party and immediately pulls Belle aside, who’s still pissed because she “could have walked the whole thing.” Then around the corner comes Princess Aurora. “Obviously, there’s one person in the four of us that he wants to spend time, and I can’t help but think that’s me me me.” Snoozing Beauty gets her eye-opening liplock.

Aurora

Next up, John Smith wants to snuggle with Pocahontas, Pocahontas but Rapunzel wants to let down her hair. Rapunzel Unfortunately for her, she catches the Indian princess grindin’ up on the white man’s crotch. Rapunzel cries to Cinderella’s make-believe fairy godmother. “He obviously connects with a lot of you, and it’s like I don’t wanna feel like I have to fight for it.” But then, her wish comes true, and Prince Charming pulls her aside. She starts bawling and apologizing, but the Prince thinks it’s she’s sooooooo sweet. First time ever a man is not afraid of tears.

She wastes no time planting one on him. Mmm sloppy seconds! And it worked—Prince Charming gives her a rose. Belle must be so jealous!

Belle

The next day, Ariel and Ursula depart for their date on a ranch where they’ll ride horses. Ariel clearly has a hard time with land animals because her horse lags behind the other two, giving Ursula the chance to convince the Prince they’ll be lovers—just like their horses.

Ariel

When they demount, Ariel gets crucial alone time with the Prince where she tells him she didn’t plan on being the girl to “go over to him and say this is how this girl is… I would wanna know if I were in your position.” She proceeds to throw Ursula back into the ocean, admitting she had flirted with another suitor at the airport. Kiss of death, m’lady!

Later, the three of them sit down for a cordial dinner of what else—fish. I’m surprised Ariel didn’t brush her locks with that dinglehopper she used to fork her friends of the sea. Fish are friends—not food!

The Prince should have staked Ursula, but instead, he pulls her aside so she can tell him some sob story without the sobbing—something about an ex in rehab who died, “hardest time in her life”, blah blah blah, no tears shed. She says she lost her “best friend”, which is why she’s never found any new friends. I think she gave her ex a magic potion which turned him into a poor unfortunate soul.

Moment of truth—good versus evil. I guess her conch shell necklace cheetah-print scarf was her all-powerful talisman because the Prince decided to keep her. UrsulaSweet Ariel should have busted out the seashell bra. Prince Charming: “I feel very confident in keeping Tierra because I’m starting to figure out why she is the woman she is… and why she attaches herself so strongly to men.” BECAUSE SHE HAS TENTACLES! You can’t escape the Kraken!

Ariel: “I don’t know what he’s looking for. I really don’t! Maybe it’s not me, but I know it’s not a half-woman, half-octopussy.” Well, not everyone can be part of Seanie’s world, except Ursula who gets to enjoy the firework display with him. Wait, haven’t we seen this before?!

fireworks

Meanwhile… Crying Ariel the sun has long set on the third day. Under the sea she goes. Not the fairytale you all were expecting, huh?

At the rose ceremony, he picks the Belle of the ball first for discussion—tale as old as time. Belle finds this beast a bit unpredictable as of late. You know, perhaps there’s something there that wasn’t there before—like a horny peen. Belle is so confused… I’d hate to see Gaston show up down the road and try to win her back.

Desiree's boyfriend

In other wings of the castle, Ursula wants to throw some fists—and not in the Jersey Shore kind of way. Tierra 2

Belle says Ariel was the sweetest person in the house and it was hard to watch their Prince throw that fish back. Ursula stomps out of the room to devilishly sing in front of a mirror: “Soon I’ll have that little mermaid and the ocean will be mine.”

Ursula in the mirror

Belle: “No one is jealous of that.”

Tiana is ready to make this the Bad Girls Disney Club, so she confronts Ursula, followed by Alice and Pocahontas.

Ursula: “I am not about to get threatened. I am so over this. I don’t even care. If I wanna go get engaged, I can easily go get engaged… no matter what I do, someone is always watching me.” Queue Prince Charming! “I will bite. I am a Scorpio, and I do bite and my stinger does come out when I get pissed.” Looks like I’ll be steering clear of Scorpios then!

Belle: “She needs a Xanax and to be sent home. Goodbye.”

The Prince wants to talk to Ursula who says it’s getting “out of control”. “I’m not doing anything to any of these girls… all of them are attacking me… for everything. I am such a nice girl, and no one gives me credit here.”

Sean: “I don’t want to be naïve, but I don’t want her boobies to leave either.” Clearly, this guy’s in Wonderland, so he looks to Alice for some advice. She describes Ursula as “cold” as the ocean she came from.

Pocahontas wishes Sean would see the all the colors of the wind and take back Ursula’s rose. And then as magic would have it, Sean rubs his lamp and out pops Genie Harrison to offer some words of wisdom. “You ain’t never had a friend like me, and if I asked you… ‘Do you see your wife in this room?’, I don’t think I’m getting a happy answer tonight.” So many princesses, so little time!

Tiana

One by one, he picks a princess, except for Tiana. No surprise, though, because Sean is definitely no frog! As he walks her out, Jasmine can be seen whispering “Be scared.” Why? Because if anyone double crosses Ursula, they’ll have a place amongst her garden of decrepit merfolk.

garden of merfolk

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I cannot be tortured like this… unless it’s in the red room of pain

Posted by emzkbd on January 29, 2013

At first I thought I was watching the wrong show—no shirtless Sean!—but then in prowls Chris Harrison wasting no time to deliver the first date card. Elsewhere, Sean is prancing around in his boxer briefs. Damn boi! That is one fine ass!

boxer briefs

Salma Hayek Salma Hayek gets the “Let’s turn up the heat” date with Sean, and already she starts panting about being ready to take it to the next level, and then the next level, and then have his babies! Selma 2 With the size of those cans, though, you’d swear she was already milking a whole litter! She goes to get ready, which constitutes yoga pants and a tight tank. Puh-lease! I roll outta bed in what took her to “get ready”.

In other parts of the mansion, the African American Elizabeth Berkley

Elizabeth Berkley Lesley H is bawling her eyes out over a man with whom she has spent zero quality time. She claims to have a heart and really wants a date… just like everyone else.

Sean arrives to pick up Selma for their “hot yoga” sesh. Selma tries to guess what their date entails. Perhaps some salsa? She warns Sean that her giant boobies might distract him and cause him to break all ten of his toes. That and she doesn’t think Sean can handle all one hundred and ten pounds of her. MOST.HATED.WOMAN.IN.AMERICA.

Their PDA fest goes from limo to private plane where she does Sean a solid and conceals his erection by splaying across his lap. PDA

Selma is eating up the luxurious transportation, and then “the Iraqi” lands in the desert. She is “petrified”, probably because she fears the heat… and boob sweat. She also claims to feel puffy, but I’m sure she was just referring to her pillowtop chest.

Sean suggests some rock climbing, but Selma would prefer an airlift to the top. Maybe she can unleash those balloons and ascend gracefully! She has a mild panic attack, but then—much to my surprise—she actually climbs really well. Sean: “Your ass looks cute in that helmet… errrr… in that harness… ughhh… you have a cute helmet.”

rock climbing

Selma: “He gave me this adrenaline, and he gave me this courage. I gotta show this man I want him in me.”

Sean: “I’m looking for fingerholes… trying to push myself up… keep my erection down.”

Just before they get to the top, the cameraman blows his load over a close up of Selma’s cleav. Titty shot

Those Tetons sure got some airtime last night. Sean also makes sure to “give her a lift” once they’ve conquered their fears.

Giving her a lift

Later, Sean kidnaps Selma to a desert campsite. While cuddling, Sean mentions he only had one serious relationship after college. Selma tells him he’ll find an amazing girl who’ll put out. Then Sean wants to know about her family, and she assures him there’s a lot he doesn’t know… or anything at all. Selma says her mother would have a heart attack if she kissed Sean on national TV.

Cuddling

Back at the mansion, the group date card arrives. “I’m looking for a woman who can roll with the punches.” Tierra is not happy because she “don’t need no chaperones.”

In the middle of nowhere, Sean wants to kiss Selma, to which she responds “we’re not even allowed to date basically… not that we’re not allowed to date. Obviously we’re allowed to date… but in our culture we sorta keep it secret from everyone.” So which is it—you date or you don’t date? I think it sounds like she’s ok with getting’ a lil sumthin’ sumthin’ behind her mama’s back.

Selma: “I want to feel his lips on my vagina mine… but we’ll have to wait… until I’m his only lady.” This sounds promising!

Sean: “Her eyes are just basically asking me to fuck kiss her.”

Obviously, Sean is intrigued because Selma won’t kiss him. Umm, did he ever think that the whole “my mama would disapprove” act is really just a cover for her herp outbreak? Even so, he gives her rose, and Selma “the tease” continues to entice him with “I really want to kiss you.”

On the group date, Amanda confesses she doesn’t know what “roll with the punches” means, but I’m sure some of the other girls could demonstrate a few rights hooks… to her face.

Nubs: “I don’t think having one arm will hold me back today.” So optimistic it hurts!

“Ladies, welcome to the wonder world of roller derby,” says the butchest bitch in the joint. AssLee hopes she doesn’t die at the hands of rug muncher because, lesbia-honest, her preacher pop wouldn’t be too proud.

Tierra: “I have aggression I’ve been building up living in the house… and if I can’t masturbate there then I’m excited I get to knock some biotches down.”

roller derby

Amanda spreads a sly lie that she’s done the roller derby thing before. Tumbles ensue, and it’s no surprise that Nubs is pretty much roadkill. Nubs: “My body works in different ways… I poop rainbows like Chris Harrison. Tears tears tears. Blah blah blah. I’m a broken person.” Always-the-good-girl AssLee comforts Nubs, which then leads to Sean comforting Nubs, which gets her back in the rink.

Elsewhere, Amanda is gloating about killin’ it in her skates. Next thing you know, she’s face down, ass up, taking it from behind… from Karma. It’s a bitch! “Now I’ll never be a fit model… even though I’m a fit model!” They think she fractured her jaw, but at least she didn’t pout it off like Tierra. Instead, she listens to the medic and goes to the hospital. Once she’s gone, Sean and the remaining woman have an 80’s free skate.

Nubs: “Well I think we all rolled with the punches pretty well… except Amanda who got what was coming to her.”

I’d like to pause here and say, has anyone else noticed the abundance of lyrical music in this episode, including “Foolish Heart” by Steve Perry? Are the producers trying to subliminally tell us something? Is this the theme song for this season?

Later, Sean wants everyone to relax and “not worry about breaking their jaw.” He pulls Nubs aside first because he “respects her so much”, which is code for “I could never do the dirty with her.” Meanwhile, the other women are trying to encourage Tierra to go pro with roller derby. “No!” she says. “I don’t want a sympathy rose.”

Amanda returns in her 70’s mom getup to “milk it”. Sean kisses her bump. Amanda: “All I get is a kiss on the chin. Maybe I should have said, ‘Actually, they took out my tonsils.’”

At the mansion, Lesley H. gets the “Could this be forever?” date card and diamond earrings, to which she exclaims, “Holy moly batman!”

Then aw hell nah breaks loose. Robyn asks AssLee and Nubs what happened to Amanda during roller derby, and Tierra feels like she’s been snubbed from the conversation. She says Robyn was trying to get a rise out of her, acting all “high school”. So Tierra stomps off, in the least high school way possible. Poor Nubs was like “what did I do?”

Tierra: “Where is Sean?” Uhhhh he’s looking for Lindsay’s tonsils. Sorry, Amanda! “Why should I be tortured every day and live life uneasy?” Easy honey, it’s not like you’re an Iraqi prisoner in your own home. Right, Selma? “I can’t take the fakeness from any of these girls anymore!” I still can’t decide if Selma’s tittays are real. “I cannot take it! I am breaking down inside and holding it all in and that is not fair.” Sounds like someone needs a laxative! “I cannot be tortured like this!” Tierra pops a squat, waiting for Sean to finish tongue tasering Lindsay.

Tortured Tierra

When they finally emerge—Lindsay in a bikini—Tierra snatches Sean to tell him she wants to leave… or go on an amazing date. Sean tries to reassure her. Look at Courtney Bob—she was the most hated and look how far she went!

Apparently tears turn Sean on because he scampers off for the rose, while Tierra enjoys her victory with a devious grin Happy Tierraand the other women assure themselves she’s going home, but Sean is “crazy about her”. Well, I guess he’s in store for a whole lotta crazy then. The others are in complete shock. “He’s been manipulated tonight… She’s good at what she does.” What can I say? Blow jobs can be persuasive!

The next day, Sean has a date with Miss Super Duper Duper Excited. Lesley H. got some diamond earrings and “holy moly” she likes ‘em. Sean takes his tranny hooker to Rodeo Drive to do some Pretty Woman shopping at Badgley Mischka. To be honest, those were the ugliest effing dresses I’ve ever seen. The brown one wasn’t bad, but she picked one that was ill-fitting with a giant bow and sparkly trim. “Winner winner, chicken dinner!” What is with this girl’s phrases?!

Lesley H 2

Lesley H.: “Sean definitely is a young, sexy, blonde, blue-eyed Richard Gere, and I am a tan Julia Roberts.” No, you’re black, unless you’ve got a Michael Jackson complex. Then I’ll let you have “tan”.

They proceed to accessorize at Neil Lane with a 120-carat diamond necklace. Lesley's necklace

I guess a bodyguard will be chaperoning their date at the Bradbury—whatever that is. “Opa!” Is she Greek now?

Sean tries to get to know Lesley H. who shares her life story, which includes dating a lot of men who get married right after dating her. Sean agrees and shares this: “Sometimes someone looks so good on paper and you get along great and they’ve got all the qualities you’re looking for but it’s just not there.” Hmm, you’re preaching to the choir, Sean! Maybe it’s time I start blogging (or vlogging) about my personal life again.

Then Lesley tells Sean she comes from a broken family and only wants to get married once, at which point Sean’s eyes start to glaze over. He can’t put his finger on it; maybe it’s her giant mouth or her “holy moly” comments, but it’s just not there. So just to be a douche, he picks up the rose and taunts her with it. Lesley exits with grace but not before planting a bug in Sean’s ear that some of the women who have roses are not there for the right reasons. Hmm, can’t imagine whom she’s referring to?!

Sean sulks back inside where Ben Taylor was going to sing for them. Lesley claims she could see herself with Sean at the end. Sean is reassuring himself with his decision but claims to have doubts. Even though we know it was premeditated, he casually drops the rose off the balcony, and it lands in a slow and dramatic explosion on the ground. His heart will go on, ladies!

Rose ceremony time! Sean is going to get harder and harder and harder as these go on. First, he sits down with AssLee. Snooze! Such a sweet, kind, blah, blah, blah person! Next, Robyn tries to pick up Sean with her “Which chocolate do you want to taste?” Uhhh the white one? Awww, snap!

Meanwhile, Tierra—holy boobies!—wants to clear the air with Robyn and Jackie. “I just wanted to apologize for the other night and how it went down. You know, you kind of attacked me… I just wanted to apologize!” That’s the most passive-aggressive apology I’ve ever heard. “I am too strong of a woman and too independent to let high school pity stuff get in my way… I came here to win this!”

The women are confused by Tierrable’s behavior. I like that! Let’s see what else I can come up with! Tierrafying tells Sean she is NOT a “drama starter”. Tierraist: “Sometimes girls have a hard time accepting me for who I am.” Intruder alert, intruder alert!

None of the ladies want to throw Tierracotta under the bus unless it interferes with their individual relationship. Ok, that one doesn’t really work—unless you hate the color. Catherine really wants to kiss Sean, but he’s afraid that he’s been put in the friend zone. So she takes him out front and puts him in the bone zone.

Time to send one packin’! I’m sure many of you thought Ke$ha and her slurred speech would be the lone limo leaver, but Amanda—trying to match her burgundy lipstick to Sean’s tie in her flapper dress with a rat’s nest updo—was damaged goods. The always tactful Chris Harrison: “If you did not receive a rose, take a moment to say your goodbyes.” Uh Chris, were you drunk because there’s only one person going home? Did you forget her name like Jessie did so many seasons ago? Stay tuned next week because we’re getting double the romance and double the drama. As long as the Bachelor Pad twins don’t double back, I’ll double my dosage of Sean’s half naked body any week.

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What are you? Some kind of “crazy person”?

Posted by emzkbd on January 22, 2013

Sean’s journey this week begins again in the rec room. Heaven forbid The Bachelor gain an ounce of fat this season! Previously, I would have swooned over this half naked glistening chunk of man meat, but this week I find myself saying “Eh” and “That’ll do pig.” Sure, Sean’s chabs {chest + abs} are incredibly defined but I still think he could use a few more pull-ups and crunches.

He wants us to know he’s totally “digging” some chicks, man! With that, Chris Harrison is on the prowl… to drop off a date card.

Robyn: “Let’s ditch these bitches and go fall in love for real.” Someone ain’t afraid to cut a bitch!

Lesley M. gets the first date and Sean wants to know “How long will this love last?” Hopefully longer than the past few seasons’. In the limo, Sean asks her what she thinks that means because he has no clue. Lesley is optimistic and somehow equates a loving, lasting relationship with an exotic getaway for the two of them.

What she really gets? Well, Sean was jonesin’ from the peck he got on their last date, and to show her that, he amps up the romance and decides to parade around the Guinness Book of World Records museum, showing off the world’s smallest woman and his dad’s world record of driving all contiguous states.

She had to see it coming because no Bachelor date could be that boring. As it turns out, Sean wants to break his own world record. No, not the world’s longest-running erection, but the world’s longest on-screen kiss, surpassing the previous record set at 3 minutes and 15 seconds. Lesley says it’s the coolest thing she can imagine, but I’m sure she’s thinking Sean’s erection would be much cooler.

Lesley kissing Sean

As they get to it, she’s laughing and probably shooting snot on his face, and he’s using it as an excuse to grope her until he pulls her dress up over her fanny. Sean says he can feel her body start to tremble and I’m thinking—“I would probably orgasm, too!”

Once they break the record, they continue kissing—probably because he is afraid to pull away and reveal his erection to all those bystanders. What a wonderful story they can tell their children if they end up together! What a mortifying thing to live with if you’re Sean and his new fiancée, assuming it’s not Lesley! You think he would still hang that plaque in their apartment then? Hey honey, aren’t you proud I broke a world record with another woman?

Record

Later, on top of the Roosevelt Hotel—where I’m pretty sure other Bachelor/ette contestants have hung out—Sean and Lesley share more awkward moments. Lesley is a self-proclaimed nerd, who studied a lot, and wants a marriage like her parents but is afraid that might not happen. Sean tells her she shouldn’t worry that it won’t cum come because he now knows how to use his tongue effectively. She starts to flush, she’s short of breathe, and then she gets nervous. Sean wants her to take charge of her sexuality so she pounces, so Sean gives her the elephant in the room. He’s been blown away, but I guarantee I blow better.

Back at the mansion, AssLee reads the group date card and all the women chosen pretend to be excited. “Who’s going to touch my penis win my heart?” The next day on the group date, all the eleven women care about is a half-naked Bachelor. Then, the unthinkable happens…

Kacie B.: “The moment I see Chris Harrison, I know that things are not going to be fun for somebody.” Sounds like we have a creeper on the loose!

Chris tells the women they will be competing in a volleyball game to extend their date with Sean. The losing team will leave immediately. No surprise but Ke$ha admits she’s still hungover and therefore won’t be an asset to her team.

The ladies tat up with an “S” for Sean, or slut. All a matter of opinion, I guess! From someone who played volleyball back in the day, this was the worst game I’ve ever witnessed. Asthmatic ten-year-olds could play better volleyball—I know because I’m referring to my sister sixteen years ago.

Volleyball

Taryn wants us to know she is in it to win it. “This volleyball game is the most important game of my life. It’s probably one of the only few I’ll ever play that has something big riding on it—ahem, hopefully Sean’s peen. You’re talking about your heart here; you’re talking about more time with a guy that you barely know and could potentially be yours for three months, give or take, after filming. So this is that big of a deal!”

The game comes down to Des’s serve. There’s a bump and then what should have been a set is really just Kristy fist-pumping to keep the ball in play. Guess she’ll share the same fate! Sean congratulates the winners while Kristy pouts like someone just stole her cookie. Lesley H. tries to conceal her tears on the drive back to the mansion, where everyone blames their exhaustion and crabby moods on the date.

Ke$ha is super bummed out because she wants to show Sean her romantic, serious side when all he’s seen is her wastey-faced side. Kristy continues her half-time show at the Superbawl with all her little cheerleaders shouting words of encouragement—“Go home, go home, go home!”

Sean brings the winners back to his mansion for an orgy. First, he has some alone time with Valley Girl Lindsay, who’s voice is more annoying than any blonde bimbo you could drudge up. They make out for awhile, and then Sean hooks it up with a glam Joey Potter.

Glam Joey Potter Desiree & Sean

The final date card arrives, and Tierra—who chose to wear white see-through sweatpants for the camera—scampers off to retrieve it. She announces it for AssLee and Selma, both of whom shit their pants. JUST KIDDING! It’s just for AssLee. “Do you believe in magic?” Sarah takes personal offense to it on Selma’s behalf.

Back on the group date, tension stirs between Des and Amanda, who sneaks off with Sean to tell him he can stop looking for a wife because she’s all he’ll ever want—if he’s into the whole Alanis Morissette thing.

Amanda Alanis Morissette

Sean says he can tell she has a “genuine heart”. To which she responds: “If we were to get married, I feel I will bring such a light, airy, fun atmosphere… relationships should be fun.”

Des flips her shit because Amanda is questionable and creepy—always staring at Sean like she wants to wear his skinsuit. When Amanda returns—gloating—Des tries to play nice, telling Amanda she killed it at the volleyball game. Amanda says “it has nothing to do with volleyball and everything to do with my split-personality disorder. Muahahahahaha!”

But it’s Kacie B. who pulls an Emily O’Brien and tells Sean she feels like she just took a Courtney Robertson punch to the face. Kacie lays it on the table—there is tension between Des and Amanda. Since she’s friends with Des, she wants Amanda sent packin’. Sean wants to know why she’s getting mixed up in all this. Kacie has no words. Sean says they both seem fine and neither one has said anything to him about it. Kacie: “And I don’t want to be the person who does, but at the same time I’m stuck in the middle so I have to tell you what’s going on… and I’m not a ‘drama person’… it hurts me because I don’t want to hurt either of them… and when that’s going on I’m having a hard time being myself because I’m worried about that.”

Sean looks incredibly confused and calls her a “crazy person”. Finally! At least he’s starting to recognize it floating out there in a sea of skirts and see-through tops. Kacie tries not to cry, and then, not to fall in her sky-high stilettos. No rose for Kacie B. on this date! Instead, Sean rewards Lindsay for her makeout sesh. Kacie tries not to cry in front of everyone, so she does it behind their back to the camera, sniffling that she’s “not supposed to cry this early.”

Kacie B

The next day, AssLee thinks nothing can go wrong on her one-on-one date with Sean… but everything CAN go wrong before. Mere seconds before Sean walks in… ker-plunk! Tierra fall down… or so it seems. I think she was riding a blanket down the stairs for fun and realized no one was paying attention to her, so she ditched the blanket and just laid there like she was coming out of a coma.

Tierra on a stretcher

The paramedics arrive to take Tierra to the hospital, but she pleas like the whiny brat she is to be left alone. She “pops up” because Sean’s there. AssLee says Tierra is the boy who cried wolf, or in this case the slut who cried “Sean!” AssLee claims to be a smart woman, like the medical team who would have diagnosed Tierra’s condition as “bat shit crazy”.

Tierra lounges on the veranda, while Sean plays Aladdin and rubs her lamp ass.

Sean & Tierra

AssLee: “She thinks it’s cute to play the victim, but how about I really make her a victim and stab her with the thorns of the rose I’m going to win on my amazing date.”

Sean wants to see if AssLee has some “kid” in her—or if he could put one there—so he takes her to the most romantic place on Earth. Six Flags—a place where horny teenagers make-out while they wait in line for a 30 second ride! Great outfit by the way. I know my go-to getup for an amusement park is always a short, fancy dress and heels.

AshLee's dress

Sean tells AssLee that it feels “a bit selfish” to keep it all to themselves. At that moment, I half expect a group of underprivileged urban youth to swarm them, but then Sean says they will be sharing their day with two young fans of The Bachelor, who are best friends but have never met. Girl #1 must have been a smoker who somehow kept her ass-long hair from catching on fire, while Girl #2 must be a fighter. Were those boxing gloves she was wearing? Oh no… Sean says they have some mitochondrial disease, which—when he says it—sounds way too depressing to Google.

AshLee Dr. Quinn

Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman says this is the perfect date. Cut to the four of them on a ride with Sean screaming “Get me off! Get me off!” Not sure which one of the ladies he was begging. Then Sean’s favorite band—The Eli Young Band—performs while he and AssLee sway and Girls 1 & 2 upstage them with the two-step or whatever that was.

When they’re finally done babysitting, AssLee opens up to Sean. Orphan Annie tells Sean that she was adopted when she was six but prior to that she was abused by a foster family. They locked her and the other foster kids in the basement where they slept on cots without any lights. There wasn’t a bathroom—only buckets lined up against the wall—and if you weren’t careful, the big kids would hold you down and…

But AssLee is not bitter. No sirree! She reminisces about the day she was adopted and how much she’s been loved by her parents. Sean gets misty and sobs: “That’s such a sweet story! Wahhhhhhhhh!” Hey Sean, I can see your vagina from here.

The whole time Emily Maynard AssLee was telling her sob story, the band was also listening behind them. Once everyone wiped their tears away, they played another song.

On rose ceremony night, things get feisty, but first Sean wants to send Nubby home. JUST KIDDING! He bought her a dog. Oh wait, it’s her dog? And he likes chew toys? Now we know why she doesn’t have a prosthetic.

Later, Sean sits down with Tierra who has magically healed from her physical and emotional roller coaster ride down the stairs. Katie Holmes steals Sean to suck his face, but rather than “punch some walls”, Tierra steals him back. “My turn!”

From one thief to the next, Lesley M. swoops in and the domino effect continues. Meanwhile, Des told Sean that she would stay right where he left her… and she stayed there all night.

When Kacie B. finally gets her turn, she wants him to know that it’s a two way street. Sean continues the metaphor by saying they’ve turned a corner, but before Kacie gets to find out if she’ll make it to destination Roseville, Selma and AssLee plop a squat for some chatter.

Before he sends the ladies packing, he pulls Kacie outside, rose in hand, to stand next to someone peeing in the bushes the sound of running water where he tells her she’s back in the friend zone. Wait for it… wait for it… “WHAT THE FUCK!” No, she didn’t say it this time; I guess she learned her lesson last time on how to exit a reality show gracefully.

Kacie: “Last time I left with no regrets because I tracked down Ben to beg him for a second chance. And this time there are regrets, so rather than live with them, I guess I’ll have to fly to Thailand on the day Sean proposes and tell him {SPOILER} he should have sent Amanda home sooner.”

In the end, Sean didn’t want a drama queen (Kristy) or a lean, mean volleyball machine (Taryn), but he likes all the other thieves and injury-prone women who are left. More on that next week!

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Man meat… it’s what’s for dinner!

Posted by emzkbd on January 15, 2013

Last night began like all of my sexual fantasies… with a buff, blonde, half-naked man glistening in a shower.

Sean in the shower

Sha-wing! That was my lady boner. I didn’t even hear what he was saying, but I nominate Sean Lowe as Best Undressed of the week.

Without allowing us to cool off, Chris Harrison arrived at the mansion to poop rainbows: “At the end, I truly believe he will get down on one knee and propose marriage to one of you… but not you Tierra because you cray cray.” He also brought the first date card—for Nubs, Nubby, the Nubster. I may be politically incorrect, but you like it. AssssssLee is super jelly because she couldn’t organize the first date.

Nubs: “Just because I have one arm doesn’t mean we’re gonna be able to stop having fun.” So does having two arms make it twice as fun?

Sean arrives in his chopper and the women cream their panties. I will also note here that Sean is a man wise beyond his years; it shows through in his philosophical remarks.

Sean: “Last night I was with 26 women, and that’s hard. It’s not as easy as it sounds.” I agree—his peen must have been exhausted.

With Nubs oozing a lack of confidence, you’d swear her arm was chopped off yesterday. “My ability to love someone is not affected by how many hands I have—but my left hand does tire when I give handies.”

I briefly dozed off and awoke to them landing on top of a “skyscraper” twenty stories high. Sean told producers he wanted to reenact the opening scene from Cliffhanger but thought that he might rip off her other arm, and then she’d really be disabled. One question: How does she get her hair in a ponytail? Did someone have to do it for her or does she have a special contraption to do it for her?

Fortunately for Nubs, she still has one hand to hold Sean’s before their descent. The drop was so boring, ABC had to speed it up or they might have lost their audience on the downward spiral. I’m sure the “bond” they shared will last a whole other episode or two before he realizes he’ll have to do her hair for the rest of his life.

Sean: “I do consider myself a man.” Wait—do other people consider you something else? Like just a piece of meat?

Sarah: “It’s not about what our bodies look like.” Au contraire, it is ALL about what HIS body looks like. If it weren’t, I would be watching Lena Dunham have sex repeatedly.

Sean gives Nubs the rose, they hug, and she can’t get her arm and a half completely around him. He IS an amazing guy, and he deserves a full hug and a flinch-free relationship. After two weeks, the Nubooboo is falling in love with the Bachelor—I think the guy and not the show, but I could be wrong.

The next day on the group date, a carload of women and a pubic mound Katietravel to another mansion where a camera crew is prepared for a photo shoot. The women will be paired with Sean to pose for the cover of Harlequin romance novels. As the women beautify themselves, Sean’s disrobes. One moment— I need to mop up.

Apparently I’m not the only one who’s excited because Kristy can’t keep her hands off Sean’s abs. Who am I kidding? I would grate cheese for a living on that stomach.

Then the claws come out, and so do Tierra’s tittays. I’m not sure, but it looked like the women were calling her a tacky ho two feet away from where she was sitting, unless that was just bad editing.

Sean to Tierra: “You may have a dark side; you may have a catty side.”

Tierra: “Oh no I don’t.” Head tilt, hair swish, giggle, repeat.

The women dress up as one of four categories: cowgirls, vampires, “sexy”, and historical.

Lesley M. gets her honkey-tonk on and pecks Sean on the lips. Personally, I would prefer bareback, reverse cowgirl. Then Amanda wants to sink her teeth into Sean’s throat. If it were me, my mouth would be elsewhere.

Also lurking on the grounds, Tierra strategizes to kick all these bitches out. I think that was a threat, but in reality TV, safety is inconsequential.

Tierra: “This isn’t a competition. I’m not gonna let any girl stop me from getting the rose or Sean’s semen.”

Milla Jovovich Kristy knows she has this one in the bag because she’s a model so she brings the slut sex appeal. Sean was groped by Kristy more times than I ever was in high school, and sure enough, she wins the three-book cover deal.

Milla Jovovich Kristy

Sean: “I am so ready to get out of these clothes.” Sean’s posse has a late night pool party, minus the party in the pool. What? No skinny-dipping this season?

At the house, Lesley M. wants more smooches from Sean. They sneak off to a room where they interview people in the witness protection program. Awkward does not begin to describe their conversation. She basically admits to watching him sleep while crossing and uncrossing her arms and legs in angst-y teenage horniness.

Lesley: “This is The Bachelor and things are a little more fast-paced than normal.” Please, prettyplease tell me someone gets knocked up this season!  Sean makes the rounds, but Lesley steals him back for a quick makeout sesh while Ke$ha is filming her In-The-Moment (ITM). She gags—typical Ke$ha!

Later Sean sits down with Kacie B. who reiterates her virginity and sudden need to marry him and explore him sexually. She wants reassurance that Sean wants to get to know her, too.  Kacie B.: “I thought I never wanted another rose in my life, and now I’m hoping for ten more.” Queue cackling!

When we return from commercial, Catherine is telling Sean that she’s vegan but loves the beef. Might as well have said, “I like sausage… in my mouth!” Sean eats it up… because he loves furburgers. No, not you, pubey head!

Sean tells Selma that she might be his wife. She coos and proceeds to ask Desiree if she would design her wedding dress. Meanwhile, Tiara and Vagina Fro are moping around the house. Ke$ha can’t stand Debbie-downers, so she pops another pill. Sean pulls Tiara aside and asks her how to pronounce her name. He’s also sensing her switch is about to flip.

Tierra: “I came here because what I saw on Emily’s season from you blew me away. Now let me blow you away!” Shlurp, shlurp, shlurp!

Sean: “Trust me when I say I really like you and I want to spend more time with you.”

Tierra: “Me, too. That’s why you came all over my face, right?”

Back at the mansion, another thing comes—a date card. Jackie wants the one-on-one date because tomorrow is her birthday. I don’t think he remembers your name, and you think he’ll remember it’s your birthday and give you special treatment?

Rounding out the group date, the Bushmaster feels uncomfortable, so she stealthily steals Sean’s coat before making her exit. Sean doesn’t fight her because he realizes that if the drapes are that truly that unruly then the carpet is probably wayyy too shaggy for his taste.

Kacie B. is thrilled; even moreso when Sean gives her the rose. It’s reminiscent of this jam. Game on!

For the final date, Sean and Chris conspire to pull a practical joke on Desiree at a fake art exhibit. If you remember, Sean is quite the joker {eye-roll}. Chris says they’ve hidden cameras in one room but the camera we see is not-at-all hidden.

Desiree arrives at the exhibit, totally disappointed that she doesn’t get a helicopter ride, diamonds, or a Harlequin romance cover deal, but she still pretends to be “so excited”.

Sven, the fake artist, introduces his faux piece worth $5.00 $1.5 million. Desiree and Sean are escorted to a backroom, where Sean is pulled away for an “interview”, or as I would presume, an impromptu blow job. Desiree is left alone with the sculpture, while Sean and Chris watch from monitors in another room.

Then the piece shatters to the floor. Based on her reaction, Desiree must have known something was up; she didn’t seem very worried about being held responsible. Guess she just thought ABC would pay for that. After agonizing moments behind closed doors, Sean can’t take it any longer so he admits to playing her for a fool. He promises to support her, even though he barely knows her. What if it’s not his child?

Desiree and Sean go back to his place where they have overcooked steak. Catherine would be so jealous. Blah, blah, blah! More talk of support—buy a good bra and let Sean take off his shirt already! Unce, unce, unce! Pelvic thrust, pelvic thrust! Unce, unce, unce!

They sit poolside, and Dez (aww, how cute!) looks a little bloated—probably the ginormous broccoli stalks they just ate. Sean can’t get away soon enough. Oh no! He just went to get the rose. He offers it, but she hesitates because he was rude. Honey, he can be rude to me forever and ever if I get to ride that pony every night.

At the second rose ceremony, the women are stressin’ because Dez is clearly the frontrunner! Well, at least we know that. When Sean arrives, Catherine hands him a beer, or maybe it was apple cider. He says he already knows which two ladies he’s sending home—because one’s black and the other’s a mom.

Sean first sits down with Lindsay, who talks in a six-year-old’s voice. Her dad is a General in the Army, so if Sean screws up, he gets blowed up. They talk about marrying their best friends, Sean losing his hair, and Lindsay getting fat AND losing her hair. Then Sean tells Catherine she has a beefy personality, AssLee is enamored with Sean’s looks, and Jaws wants to gobble him up.

While the other ladies wait for their time with Sean, Amanda is being anti-social and offering the cold (cupcake) shoulder. Maybe she really is a vampire and she’s just sleeping.

As the ceremony nears, the women try to determine who will stay and who will go. Robyn—who Reality Steve accurately assesses as a cross between Condoleeza Rice and Michelle Obama—puts this thought in our heads. She picks Brooke, Lesley and Catherine as Sean’s top three. I think the joke starts: a black woman, white woman and an Asian woman step out of a limo…

Robyn sits down with Sean and plays the race card. Sean evidently practiced this speech so he didn’t come off as a KKK supporter. He says physical appearance doesn’t matter, which we already knew since he’d marry an obese, balding Lindsay. He also gives us this gem: “I’ve dated everybody, and when I say everyone I mean Nazis, witches, Ellen Degeneres, zombies, the blinds, schizophrenics, trannies, and Chippendale dancers.” Robyn is relieved that she could follow in another black woman’s footsteps… as Sean’s ex.

Then, Sean tells Selma that he speaks Farsi, but he’s really trying to tell her he’s a liar. She doesn’t care, and the booze starts talking, telling Sean he’s very beautiful.  Meanwhile, the rest of the women pigeonhole the yellow cupcake lady as two-faced, but Sean thinks she’s a sweet treat.

Ding-a-ling! That’s Chris Harrison getting an erection clinking his glass, ready to scam on Sean’s leftovers. Brooke gracefully departs in her stripper heels, and Sean tells Diana he doesn’t want to keep her from her spawn. Fortunately for us, next week should be a lot less dull and a whole lot more violent—with tongues and tumbles.

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Don’t forget your rape whistle… and other fun tales

Posted by emzkbd on January 8, 2013

It’s that time of year again… we’ve packed on the holiday pudge, our significant other would rather pop a sleep-aid then snuggle with us, and odds are our New Year’s resolutions even feel sorry for us. And then, it happens… the new Bachelor slowly, strategically peels off his v-neck T-shirt (because that’s all he owns), and all is right in our worlds. The only things working harder than Sean Lowe’s abs are the batteries in my vibrator.

Sean

This season, I want to preface my posts by saying if you are easily offended—by anything—you should probably stick to a PG-rated recap or family-friendly dialogue because my posts will be honest, mean, and completely gratifying to fans of the show. I am utterly addicted to this franchise; and I may love its host, the lead and some of the contestants, but you would have to confirm that with me because no one is safe from my proverbial harassment.

I am also aware that “God has a plan” for the 29 year old Dallas Texan, and as much as I’d love to be a part of that plan, I will be resigned to my weekly commentary because if you’re cast on the show at my age you’re probably the old cougar. I’m 28.

The show begins by accommodating us with Sean’s backstory—he’s Emily Maynard’s ex from last season of The Bachelorette. Then “Seanie” plays in the sprinkler—my number four fantasy. He says he wants to be all that he can be, but this isn’t the army. The only troop he’ll encounter is the one that wants to marry him or use him for reality stardom. He also wants to be rich in love, but my guess is after the show he’ll be rich RICH with all the guest appearances he’ll be fulfilling. And if it doesn’t work out with one of the bachelorettes, he might even be rich with punani… unless he’s still into dudes, which takes us to our next chapter!

Before Sean gets to meet the women, he has to explore his sexual urges conversation skills with former Bachelorette contestant Arie Luyendyk, Jr. Sean needs to know how to “break up” with the girls, but he can’t use “it’s not you it’s me because it’s obviously them.” Then, Arie tries to explain the art of kissing—which is a lost art with Sean (see example). Sean kissing Emily

GOO! Clearly, Sean has never eaten pussy, and Arie eats it every day.

At this point, we’re ready for the girls before this turns into gay porn. The show teases a few of the bachelorette’s personal lives:

Desiree is always a bridal stylist never a bride.

Tierra wants us to believe she’s “family-oriented” and ready to settle down.

Robyn shows us her flexibility with a hand stand.

Diana is a caring mother of two who lives in Utah, so I’m sure she’s hiding a Mormon past and connections to Jef Holm—Emily’s ex-fiancee.

Sarah—wait a minute—I didn’t know the one-armed surfer chick was going to compete this season!

Bethany Hamilton

Quick! Get an autograph before her hand gets tired!

Ashley P. curls up with 50 Shades of Grey, masturbates, and then lets out an exhilarating laugh of pure evil. She wants Sean to spank her. We have that in common.

Lesley M. lives in Washington, D.C. She doesn’t like nerds or politicians, but she will campaign for Sean’s heart. Doesn’t that make her both?

Kristy—“the best from the Midwest”—boxes and hopes to find someone who can stretch her out as well as her trainer can.

AshLee F. has a twitchy problem, as well as OCD. Anyone else think it was strange that she was filmed sitting quietly by herself? Must be a preacher’s daughter thing!

Now it’s time for the women to arrive. Sean quietly prays before the women start to emerge from the limo—probably hoping no one shoves lace panties in his pocket or shows up drunk, in a wedding gown.

AshLee is first out of the limo and claims to be the bestest of the bunch. I just think she has no personality because it’s been consumed her anal retentiveness.

Jackie wants to mark Sean with her urine lipstick, but then Ashley Greene Selma—glad to be finished with the Twilight saga—is happy to wipe off her smudge.

Ashley Greene Selma

Leslie H. looks like she is about to swallow this “hunk” whole.

Jaws Lesley H

Where is Richard Dreyfuss when you need him?

Next up is our first celebrity performer—Ke$ha, who just came off a night of partying.

 

Kelly thought she was entered in an Oompa-loompa contest—super orange and sings when you want her to stop.

 

Meanwhil, Katie thought she was going to a black-tie yoga affair because she forgot her shoes.

Ashley P. pulls a tie out of her cleavage, and Sean’s face reveals he’s already been a victim of bondage.

Ashley's tie

Taryn wants to get “fresh” with Sean. I think she looks like an alien—the really sexy kind.

Taryn Natasha Henstridge

Catherine stepped off the Quileute reservation where Jacob Black lives.

Robyn fails to show she’s flexible and lands on her ass.

Lacey brought lacy panties lace to stuff in Sean’s pants. Déjà vu?

Lacey's panties

Paige—wait, why is she here again? She’s starting to look desperate.

Jamie Lynn Spears Tierra awkwardly tells Sean that she plans to tattoo his name all over her body. Somehow he finds this all very alluring! He asks Chris to break the rules and hand out roses on his own accord. This way, he doesn’t have to remember all their names later!

Jamie Lynn SpearsTierra

Amanda couldn’t do her hair, but she nailed her red lipstick… and that totally forced awkward moment.

Keriann claims to have driven all the way there to meet Sean. Guess she’ll have to drive all the way back, too!

Desiree is obviously the cutest and most put-together bachelorette, in my opinion. Her red dress was my absolute favorite. Somewhat Grecian and very sophisticated! Love the sexy back and the side-swept hair, which complemented it very well. Her cute penny toss to make a wish was adorbs.

Desiree's dress

Bethany Hamilton Sarah says she always pictured finding a two-armed man to marry on a reality TV show.

Brooke can’t pull off the burgundy wig with the hot pink lipstick.

Diana is ready to marry her fourth husband and have another dozen children, but she wins my award for best hairstyle.

Diana's fishtail

Lesley M. wants to run a football play, but really she wanted to admire the view. Well played!

Kristy wastes no time bringing out the claws—she makes it clear she wants nothing to do with those other bitches.

Nicki Minaj Ashley H. introduces herself in true Nicki fashion: “Hi Ken, I’m (black, mermaid) Barbie.”

Nicki Minaj Ashley H

Ashley Tisdale Lauren has tourette’s… I think… she can’t stop shaking her hair. Oh… nope… she’s just blonde.

Lauren Ashley Tisdale

Lindsay thought she’d already won, which is why she arrived in a wedding gown; and just so Sean wasn’t surprised on their wedding night, she admitted to having balls. The wastey-faced bride-to-be waltzed inside, commenting that she couldn’t wait until their “first dance” inside.

And then there was one more… fan favorite and F-bomber Kacie B. She’s totes crazy in love with Sean, and as one girl points out, her Bible-hugging parents were the dealbreaker with Ben. I’m pretty sure I didn’t hear a religious slur in there.

Desiree’s snide comment was not logically thought out. “She had her chance with Ben, so what makes her think something will work with Sean?” Uhhh, maybe it’s because he’s a totally different person who doesn’t wear a shirt as often and doesn’t look like a cartoon character.

Selma says if she could dream up a man it would be Sean. Yep, I dream him up every night, and the dream always ends well.

Then a bunch of them screamed, and it disrupted my horny pants. Sean took off his jacket (for Kacie B.), and I was back on track. If only he continued to strip…

Desiree gets a lot of talk time with Sean, and I can’t decide if it’s because ((SEMI-SPOILER)) she makes it far or because she’s the most well-spoken bachette. Either way, she gets a rose, and all of the women become self-conscious—they start “mean muggin’”.

mean muggin

Maybe they should have shampooed their hair! I’m looking at you, Ke$ha.

Next up—AshLee gets a rose, but I think she’s more excited about the plush pillows on the furniture.

Tierra thinks she’s da bomb cuz she got da first rose, but AshLee brings it with her comment “I mean, you’re stunning, BUT it’s definitely not the first impression rose; it was just the first rose.” Guess someone should stop acting like this someone who also sang “I got the rose” and is now single.

I got the rose

The Tournament of Roses parade ain’t got nothing on what went down next: Selma, Robyn, Katie, Catherine, and Jackie get roses, but Nicki Minaj ain’t got that super bass Sean’s looking for.

Later, Lindsay wishes she were more sober when she twirls with Sean. Despite her intoxication, Lindsay thinks she and Sean have the same morals. I guess that waits to be seen.

first dance

From one dance to another, Ashley P. starts grinding and air-thrusting. Kacie B.: “She just needs a lot of water. Water, people!” She proceeds to dance her way into some one-on-one time with Sean, who was already being grilled by Paige, and pulls the tie back out of her bosom.

Sean: “I also brought a rape whistle if I’m in trouble.”

Ashley tells Sean that she told her mom that he is the guy she is going to tie up marry, but I guess 50 Shades of Drunk isn’t his type.

Lesley H. gets a rose, and the mayhem continues. Then there are tears. Taryn wanted her one-on-one time, but Sean steals Brooke—who gets a rose—leaving Taryn to her insecurities. Queue “All By Myself”.  She wants a rose; “however, she doesn’t want to necessarily open up and share that to everybody.” Well, I’m sure they’ve already figured it out, genius. And isn’t it a little soon for the “I don’t fight over a guy” sobfest? She hasn’t even talked to him yet.

Sarah, on the other hand, is nervous and wallowing in self-pity because she only has one arm, which is an absurd reason to think that’s why you’re still single. I’m sure it has more to do with your insecurities and using your arm as a crutch. Wait, no, that wouldn’t work!

When Sarah finally gets her alone time with Sean, she opens up and calls out the elephant in the room—her missing arm! The whole time she’s talking about it, I can only imagine what’s going through Sean’s mind:

“Don’t.look.at.it.don’t.look.at.it.don’t.look.at.it.noooooooooo.don’t.look.at.it.don’t.look.at.it.don’t.look.at.it.don’t.look.at.it.big.smile.big.smile.just.give.her.the.rose.so.I.don’t.have.to.look.at.it.nubby.nubby.nubby.nubby.big.smile.rose.ceremony.time.phew!”

Trying to enunciate her slurred speech, Lindsay says her stomach’s in knots, but I’m guessing that’s her body’s way of telling her she’s about to throw up. Final roses go to Amanda, Lesley M., Kacie B., Kristy, Daniella, Taryn, and Lindsay.

The rejects shed some tears over a man they just met. If it were me, I’d be crying, too, but because I wouldn’t get to go on all those amazing vacations. And I won’t lie—it’s a bit of a “bumski” to see Barbie Ass, a.k.a. 50 Shades of Drunk, exit so early because she would have brought tons of entertainment, dirty dancing and lip-biting.

On the upside, my favorites made it through: Lesley M. and Desiree. Now, as always, I know who Sean picks, and I have a vague idea of the pecking order (although I will be reviewing that again after this post for my own personal satisfaction). Nevertheless, I will not let my favorites dictate or spoil my posts. Who knows? My picks might even change as I watch the magic unfold. You’ll just have to keep watching and reading to see if my picks include Sean’s future fiancée or perhaps a future Bachelorette or Bachelor Pad contestant. Until next week… keep your rape whistles ready.

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Matthew McConaughey wins Bachelor Pad 3

Posted by emzkbd on September 11, 2012

It finally came and went, and no, I’m not talking about Chris in the bedroom. The Bachelor Pad 3 had to be one of the most epic conclusions to a Bachelor-esque season we’ve ever seen. I knew all along how it played out, but I still had to watch. Drama you hear/read just isn’t the same as the train wreck you witness.

Upon introductions of the cast, no one claps for the twins or Jamie, and the defending champ Michael gives the audience a homo-sexy wave. Sometimes I wonder how this one scores with the ladies!

Throughout the course of the finale, Chris Harrison takes a look back, and each time I fast-forward. If I wanted to re-cap the season’s best moments, I’d re-read my posts.

The first pressing topic to be addressed is the status of Kalon and Lindzi, who confirm they’re doing an LDR, but Ericka Rose chimes in with “Be careful”. Apparently, she claims he’s been seen with different women, to which Lindzi looks like a tanorexic deer in headlights. This all comes after Ericka Rose says she’s not good at lying or manipulating; somehow, I would disagree with that. Right, Reality Steve?

Next up, Michael hops into the hot seat to re-hash his dramatic exit and his relationship with Rachel. He admits to betraying Ericka Rose, but it was only because he couldn’t take her gaveling ways any longer. Michael also says he was not looking for a wife because it’s Bachelor Pad—cesspool of venereal disease.

Chris Harrison asks how things are with him and Rachel, to which Hatchet Face—who doesn’t appear too hatchet-y these days—insists “she’s not okay”. I guess their friendship is back on because I certainly don’t defend my frenemies. Michael called Rachel his “girlfriend” and “didn’t want to close the book” on their relationship, otherwise known as “friends with long distance benefits”.

 

Hatchet Face, who was apparently trying to be like Britney or Ashley, says she played the most loyal game. Taking away your best friend’s chance to win $250,000, it’s unforgivable so she damn well better get a Coach purse outta this.

Chris Harrison asks if there’s still animosity and she says she’s still angry and their friendship has never been the same. Hatchet Face claims she was the “Puppetmaster”, controlling the game, and I would tend to agree. She and Ed gave out a lot of roses, they were likable, and they had a hand in convincing a lot of people whom to vote for.

Blakeley, the aesthetician yearning for cable TV, steps into the hot seat in her very bohemian chic garb with color-blocking and cutouts. She does her best not to trash-talk Chris, but she does get into it with the Queen of the Nile—clearly, this one’s got wayyy too much going on.

Jamie: “Jaclyn claims I’m fake…”

Jaclyn: “You are…”

Blakeley: “You are…”

It all started with those eyelashes, honey! The Most Real Person You’ll Ever Meet calls Jamie socially awkward and unable to communicate with women, which is probably why she did that lap dance for Ben and not the other women during his season.

Back to Blakeley… Chris Harrison, did you even watch the show? It’s a “donkey-punch” to the throat. Blakeley gets so emotional while talking about her amazing man, or as America likes to call him “Mr. Pathetic.” Based on her speech, it’s evident that Tony was the first man to give her an orgasm.

Tony claims to have been creepin’ on her because he had a doofy crush but got friend-zoned instead. I guess now his ass is the only one she’ll have bleach because they announce they’re moving in together, but then Tony segways into the longest proposal EVER. Chris Harrison is about to pee his panties, while Blakeley looks like someone is gonna jump out and donkey-punch her in the throat—PSYCH!

At first, it looked she was gonna say “Are you kidding me? Get the fuck out. I can’t marry you after a month of hand-holding during reality show clip time.” But in the end, she said yes, and now she gets a lifetime of cable. So glad you found a new mommy for your son, Tony!

An hour in, the final two couples come out: Matthew McConaughey and his partner—the future Marlboro spokeswoman—and Gerard Butler and his whore.

 

Right off, Rachel targets Michael and his womanizing ways. She felt like their relationship was growing and they might have had something special after the show like Blakeley and Tony’s shotgun wedding. Michael just responds, “Yeah, we kissed, so what? I’m a musician, and I tell women what they want to hear all the time. That’s how I get laid. Bowchickabowwow.”

It sounds like Michael told her he didn’t want an LDR while they were cuddling and making out. Then weeks later, she found out he was dating someone else long distance. Been there, done that!

On the other hand, Nick says he stayed out of all the “stupid” drama. By referring to “stupid” he’s actually referring to Chris, who apparently took a beating from his parents for his mistreatment of Jamie and Blakeley. Jamie says Chris wouldn’t have been a great father for Emily’s daughter Ricki. Chris says it’s unfortunate she feels that way because the only baggage he has is moving to Maryland. More on that soon…

Chris Harrison lets the former castmates ask questions, and Hatchet Face wants to know why Rachel didn’t fight harder to bring her and Ed to the end. Rachel says “I wanted the money, bitch. Get over it!”

Chris Harrison asks the Lightening Rod for Controversy if he regrets his decisions, to which he responds, “No, it’s a game.” Blakeley points out that they [the former castmates] are the ones voting. David appreciates Chris’s gamer-side but says Chris lacked remorse for what he’d done to Blakeley and Jamie. Either Chris was high, like Nick was most of the time, or the editing was really bad because his rebuttal was there were no rules so he brought Ericka Rose into the deliberation room where she gave him a handy.

Sarah tries to defend Chris; everyone rolls their eyes. What did Chris learn? He has to juggle his women better. He plays the humbled card, telling everyone to vote for Sarah, not him. One thing never addressed though? Sarah and Chris’s relationship. Word has it that he just packed up from Chicago to open a restaurant in Maryland. Well, Sarah lives in St. Louis… but she is a bartender, so maybe Chris can give her a job and they can continue having sex in strange places.

On to the voting, where only the most important people are allowed to speak:

Michael gives Rachel (also Nick) a sympathy vote since she no longer gets to snuggle with his peen.

Jamie hates that Chris is banging Sarah, so she votes for Rachel & Nick (R&N).

Kalon is bros with Chris, so he throws a vote his way.

Ed votes for R&N. I really don’t know why. Chris is seen shaking his head in disgust. What’s weird is that Reality Steve says Ed and some other formers Bachelor/ette alums, including Graham, are backing Chris’s restaurant, so who knows?

Blakeley wants to donkey punch Chris in the throat. We already knew this. She gives her vote to R&N.

David appreciated Chris’s playa style, so he gives Chris & Sarah (C&S) a vote.

Ericka Rose’s vote is the other one that baffles me, since I thought she was friends with Rachel and Hatchet Face. Instead, she ended up tossing one to C&S.

Reid votes for R&N because Sarah gave him herpes.

Lindzi votes for R&N because she and Rachel used to split a carton of Reds during Ben’s season.

Donna votes for R&N because the gold digger wants to finish where she left off with Nick. See below.

Tony votes for R&N because if he voted the other way Blakeley would probably throw the ring at him.

Final vote—it comes down to the ex-BFF! Well played, Mr. Harrison!

Hatchet Face says she wants to stick to her loyal game, so she votes for R&N. The ex-besties hug it out! Turns out, all the remaining votes were for R&N anyway. Better luck next season, Chris! Hopefully you’ll have some fresh punani to fry!

It’s here that most of America figured out how the show would end because ABC likes to give it away in the previews. Since Rachel already had it out with Michael, there was only one other person left to get that angry at.

Rachel says she really trusts Nick, i.e. you better be voting “Share”, too! Nick confirms that by saying “we’re on the same page.” How it works: If both pick “share”, they split the money. If both pick “keep”, neither of them gets the money; the rest of the cast gets to split it. If one picks “keep” and the other picks “share”, then the one who picks “keep” gets to keep all the money.

They deliberate while everyone else speculates what they’ll decide. Hatchet Face wants Rachel to pick keep because she deserves it more. Strategist David says Nick has to be debating whether or not he’ll share with someone who wanted to go home. Good Christian Chris sees the light and thinks they’ll share, and Reid and Michael agree because no one can be that greedy—except Chris “SWAT” who would take the money and run to his Bachelor Pad hideout where he watches re-runs of the show in his underwear with a glass of vino and bottle of lube. Oh no, that’s just my Friday night!

(No bloopers this time—sad face—but the montage of Nick-knocking during the credits makes up for it.)

Rachel and Nick return with their quarter-million-dollar decisions, escorted by bodyguards in case someone tries to snatch ‘em. Rachel is up first. She wanted love and money, but she didn’t come on the show for half the money. However, she says she couldn’t win without a partner (or in her case, Hatchet Face) so she picked “share”.

Nick’s monologue is a little more honest and a lot more winded. He says no one would have predicted he could make it that far; Hatchet Face said he didn’t deserve to be there, and Ed said he was an “anonymous guy”. He did it all by himself because nobody cared what he did. Rachel never wanted to be his partner and tried to leave him three times; she was only thinking about Michael, so he picked “keep”… and the crowd goes wiiiiild.

I completely agree with this decision. He flew under the radar, and he helped win their final challenge. Then he convinced Rachel to bring Chris and Sarah because they would get more votes. Nick also made a great point: no one signed on to the show hoping to walk away with half the money. Rachel wants someone to punch Nick. I want her to stop smoking.

If it were me, unless I was partnered with a boyfriend or best friend, I would have kept the money, too. The only thing I can give Rachel is that, yes, being ripped from a relationship, as she was, would set you apart from the rest of the competitors. Then again, Kalon points out none of them “deserved” the money. It’s a game, and Nick is a schmuck with $250,000.

One of my favorite parts was when Michael tries to stand up for Rachel, saying Nick is ignoring someone right next to him who is completely devastated. Nick replies, “Well then console her. You weren’t sympathetic either.”

The music plays out; Nick rises and leaves, but Rachel chases him out. Hatchet Face is disgusted that she gave him $250,000, and Ericka Rose says if she were Rachel and didn’t end up with love or money, she’d kill herself.  Watching Rachel verbally attack Nick, I can’t help but imagine how her breakup with Michael played out.

Nick apologizes and says he has to go. Rachel: “Oh, I’m sorry, you have to go.” Nick: “I played this game brilliantly. Buh bye.” And off he goes to Vegas with his big bag of money! Maybe he should bet on the next Bachelor. Sounds like it’s going to be Sean, which will make for excellent TV this January when a ton of slutbags try to shove their panties in his pocket.

Until then, I hope to blog some alternative posts to keep you entertained—most likely discussions on movies, TV shows, and relationships. Stay tuned!

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Motorboating… what’s your price for flight?

Posted by emzkbd on September 4, 2012

I guess ABC has given up keeping things a secret since they gave away the entire episode in the previews. As always, we start the show post-rose ceremony from the previous week’s elimination. The “very privileged people” are relieved because there are no more alliances.

Rachel apologizes for whining and promises to keep it to a minimum so long as she can talk about Michael all she wants.

The next morning Chris Harrison arrives in his wallpaper shirt to inform the remaining contestants to pack because the winning couple will be sending another couple home after the competition—Hanging by a Thread. I foresee a tampon pulling contest. Whoever has the widest set vagina will clearly dominate!

Tony says he’s doing it for his son, just like he does everything else—cooking, cleaning, squeezing Blakeley’s tits. Blakeley, on the other hand, is doing it so she doesn’t have to see another bleached asshole… except for Hatchet Face.

All the men except for Nick—who’s probably the strongest—sit on the swing. The other partners answer Bachelor trivia. Here’s what we learned:

Donna was first in her bikini… and Nick was the first in it.

Ericka Rose was from the earliest season of the series… which makes her the oldest hag around.

Erica, one of the twins, did not compete in the Falling for Love challenge… and I’d bet she’s the bisexual virgin.

At the Hot Sludge Fundae contest, Jamie was David’s partner before the switchup… but so was Chris. Girl came on too needy!

The first competition on season one of Bachelor Pad was Twister. I’m just surprised they weren’t naked!

At this point, Blakeley fails Tony, like she failed her college entrance exams and ended up at Hooters. Tony falls first… and probably the most often.

Natalie Getz took off her top on BP season one. I think they were at the Bare pool in the Mirage, and as I told my friends, I want to take off my top there, too.

Ella and Michelle were the moms on BP season two. Moms BEFORE the show, not impregnated during it.

Other than Ericke Rosa and Michael, Gia was the only other contestant to be on two seasons of BP… but I’m sure all three of them will be back for at least one more.

Another one bites the dust. Rachel can’t hold on any longer, so she plops like a turd in a toilet.

The Weatherman Jonathan won the pie eating challenge in season one. And all along I thought he would prefer hot dogs to pastries.

Last but not least, Ed drops into the pool, leaving Chris and Sarah as the winners. Thank goodness Sarah did her recon and stalked a lot of the contestants! As a result, Chris and Sarah have to decide who to send home, but first Sarah rides him hard for old time sake. Then they talk it out—they don’t think they can beat Ed and Hatchet Face; Tony is a standup, albeit pathetic, guy; and Nick would take them to the final two.

Blakeley starts to hyperventilate. We see a few of the contestants plead their cases. When Tony plays the daddy card, Chris pretends to have a heart and gets a little misty, but he has to have the final say: “We’re the best. No one’s really trusted me, especially Blakeley, even though I told her Jamie and I only held hands. Tony, you’re my boi, and I understand you’re here to better your son’s life. But at the same time, I’m better than you, so get the fuck out.”

As they leave, Rachel tells Blakeley she loves her so much, just not that sparkly skirt she wore the first night, and Hatchet Face has been so loyal to Blakeley, just not to her face. Tony won’t leave Blakeley or her fun-bags. Once they’re in the limo, Tony continues to comfort her like he would his son, except for his attempted cleav-squeeze, but Blakeley’s body language is more like “Ok lumberjack, game’s over…  I’m off to find me a sugar daddy, not a baby daddy.”

Nevertheless, Tony practically proposes in the limo, and Blakeley basically says, “Thanks, now stop trying to kiss me or I’ll donkey-punch you in the throat.”

Later, Chris Harrison returns to tell the remaining six that their next challenge starts immediately, and the winner of the competition secures a spot in the final two.

Ed and Sarah—with their matching flip flops—and everyone else arrive at the Hollywood Paladium where famous artists have performed. Inside, Night Ranger is performing, and Hatchet Face recognizes the song. Ed says it’s one of his favorites.

Meanwhile, Chris says a singing challenge would be disastrous, much like his last few flings, and Chris Harrison confirms that. The couples will perform “Sister Christian” for the band.

Ed says he does it in his car every week… that and he rubs one out to every pretty girl he sees on the street. Ed and Chris proceed to bash their female partners—“Jaclyn is tone deaf” and “Sarah is not the best singer.” But Nick is pumped; he’s going balls to the walls.

The couples meet with vocal coaches, most of whom have worked on Glee, including the peenist. Isn’t that how Nick pronounced it? Rachel admits to being a deepthroater, which gives her that raspiness. And here I thought it was all those Marlboros!

Sarah says her voice sounds like a thirteen-year-old boy going through puberty, and I tend to agree because that’s probably what she ate for lunch. Chris: “There’s bad, and then there’s Sarah.” You think he said the same thing about Blakeley’s sex skillz?

Rachel contemplates the meaning of the song. Apparently, “motoring” is like cruising. I Googled it. Nick, on the other hand, tells us he enjoys motorboating, and therefore, thinks of boobs (probably Donna’s) when he hears “motoring”.

Ed deigns himself the Karaoke King, and he does have a way of slipping into songs the same way he slips into girls’ panties. Unfortunately for him and his attractive partner, they basically give up. Maybe if they thought of boobies, they’d have a renewed sense of interest in this competition.

The next morning, Chris admits he threw up so that he could lose a few pounds for their performance. Everyone puts in a few more practice rounds, while scaring away the local wildlife. Then it’s on to the venue for their big show. ABC paid some extras to scream and cheer upon their arrival. None of them know who these fools are.

Nick and Rachel go over their choreography, and then Rachel applies some mascara on him. Open your eyes dude! The real genius though is Chris who copies the words on to his hand. Because reading them is soooo not obvious!

Chris Harrison tries to pump up the crowd of teeny boppers who have no idea who Night Ranger is. In fact, they probably think One Direction will take the stage. What a disappointment when it’s these D-listers!

Nick and Rachel go first and are by far the best… in my opinion… so it’s no wonder they win. As it turns out, the song is about a brother giving his sister advice, and they’re the only duo who didn’t play incestuous siblings making out on stage. Nick brought out his inner rock star, and even Rachel’s throat cancer didn’t hinder her performance that badly.

Next up, the team to beat—Ed and Hatchet Face! Unfortunately for these two, their performance bombed, although I’m not sure if it’s because they were in fact wastey-faced. They both forget the words—the cocky ones who bragged about singing it in their sleep. To make up for their poor vocal performance, they incorporate some dry humping into their choreography until they finish… pun intended. The audience, which appears to include a Bible study group, looks appalled.

The last couple to perform—Chris and Sarah—clearly don’t know what they’re doing. At first it looks like they’ve got it all planned out, and then all hell breaks loose, as one of the judges put it. Chris pretends to drive a car while reading the words on his hand, which the judges eventually notice. Chris does a few air thrusts, while Sarah dances an Irish—no Scottish?—jig until she reenacts the ride ‘em cowgirl position from earlier, which Ed describes as a monkey being electrocuted on stage.  Sounds about right!

Once again, the Bible-thumpers shake their heads at all this dirty dancing. Disgraceful! The judges say they enjoyed Rachel and Nick, they detested Ed and Hatchet Face, and they found Chris and Sarah to be the most fun—like Sarah’s teal Grease Lightening pants.

Nick and Rachel win and use their roses as mics to perform an encore of their performance in their dressing room… where thankfully no one can hear. In another room, Chris and Sarah aren’t knocking boots; he’s just throwing them. And like them, Hatchet Face is stressing that her BFF might not pick her to be in the finals.

Before the rose ceremony, Rachel and Nick make a check list of Pros and Cons for each couple, but honestly, Nick already had his speech prepared. Nick: “The more strategic move is to take Chris and Sarah to the finals… we cannot take Ed and Jaclyn—they are the most popular in the house. Who’s caused more drama in the house? Chris and Sarah… that’s enough for me to make a decision. We’re playing with fire, taking Ed and Jaclyn. We have to be smart about this. Without a doubt, we’ll win this thing if we take Chris and Sarah. What are you here for? You’re here for the money, right? Friendships will be there, but if you want the money, we take Chris and Sarah. We have guaranteed votes if we take [them]. We’ve gotta take ‘em. They have caused issues in this house… we can take advantage of it. All of their screw-ups are gonna work to our advantage, and we’re gonna cash in.” After that speech, he could convince me to sell my best friend’s kidney on the black market. Rachel caves and bestows Hatchet Face with a one-way ticket home and a luxurious limousine ride to the airport. What else are best friend’s for?

And just like that, the UGLY CRY returns! Rachel can’t even look at her. Hatchet Face has to declaw that piece of shit from their embrace. Ed says “Rachel owed that to Jaclyn” who never betrayed her in the entire season, except when Jaclyn pledged loyalty to Blakeley.

Rachel says money is ugly, but so is Hatchet Face. Dun dun dun! Rachel thinks she made the wrong decision, but I say, honey, if you win, take her out to lunch and buy her a really nice purse… and a scarf to cover up her face. Stay tuned for the most dramatic finale EVER! Seriously!! I know most of what goes down, and it’s gory. So gory, you won’t be able to look away, unless it’s from Hatchet Face, of course!

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