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Archive for August, 2011

Hurricane Irene or Monsoon Melissa? You decide…

Posted by emzkbd on August 30, 2011

A not so monotonous Monday on the Bachelor Pad, where thousands of viewers awaited the fallout from Jake’s takeout. He opened his mouth, and then… nothing. Crickets could be counted in the courtyard. So Jake, did you rehearse those exit lines with your agent, who presumably negotiated the number of shows in which you would appear? I expected some hand chopping, or at least one “Stop interrupting me!” while he delivered a severe tongue lashing toward Kasey and Vienna. I can only imagine these two rolling their eyes at Jake’s disingenuous attempt to make amends… for the fiftieth time this season.

On to the main event: the second annual AIDS Awareness convention… I mean, kissing contest! YAY!!  Vienna: “I
think it’s disgusting.” Well you would because you’re used to kissing girls, aren’t you, you dirty whore?!

There are mixed emotions running through the group. Obviously nobody wants to kiss any one in a dynamic duo for fear that someone will get a beat down. Really, guys? This is a contest, not a schoolyard stakeout to steal your crush. Michelle even decides to pull out of the competition for the sake of her daughter. Well, in that case, she should have thought about the pull out
method a long time ago.

Meanwhile, Blake is standing there like he’s hiding a raging boner because he gets to show everyone his mack daddy skills. He had that creepy “I’m gonna do your mom” look on his face the whole time. And I guess he was right, because he sure brought the heat to momma Ella’s luscious lips… or was that Kirk. I get the two confused physically. Emotionally, I have no trouble identifying
a sleaze-ball!

On the flipside, or the lock-lip-side as I call it, Ella sure went to town. She must’ve taken some tips from Dr. Blake on how to drill deep… almost found their stomachs I think. With all that face sucking, I can only imagine how her blow jobs turn out! As an aside, I enjoyed the end clip, sans The Mask, where the girls were all trying to see if Ella’s kiss was worth the rose. Maybe if Ella kissed a girl, she’d like it. My favorite part, though, was Kasey’s bad breath… undoubtedly due to munching on Vienna’s musky rug.

Needless to say, it’s no surprise that Blake and Ella win this one. Both went in for the kill… unlike William, who increasingly reminds me of a teenage boy who’s never been laid. Maybe that’s his problem… he’s the Jason Biggs of this generation. Remember when he was cute and obnoxious… prior to the Ashley roast? Oh man, he’s never gonna live that down. Maybe he should hump a pie and move on with his life.

When things settle down, drama can sail back in. Forget Hurricane Irene! Monsoon Melissa is bringing the wind and rain! At this point, I’m completely sold on the “Blake leading Melissa on” storyline. She claims they’re always making out, and she seems pretty set on their alliance. Blake also throws her a sexy, suave “How you doin?” every so often to keep her in check. Personally, I think there’s a new snake in town, and it’s hanging out between Blake’s legs.

But before Mount St. Helen’s can blow her top (oh Blake, you’re so clever, I’m surprised you’re not a literary genius), we must be bored to death. Ella picks Kirk for the romantic one-on-one date… where I believe Ashley and JP connected post-Bentley. As my sister said it, Kirk and Ella—two people that should win, but they’re not going to… dun dun dun! I mean come on, did you not
watch season one? The ones who whore it up the most always win… so long as they’re compatible. Just kidding! I don’t know who wins yet, but I should find out in the next week.

Cut to things that are more exciting—like Erika making a move on Blake. If this one didn’t look so much like a hippopotamus, I’d swear she was a vulture! Who’s it gonna be next week? Oh, that’s odd, she plans to seduce Blake. Won’t happen though because he’s too smitten with Holly.  And did I hear her say she’s in law school? Wait, I’ve seen this one before. Legally Blonde, right?

It seems like everyone wants that rose from Blake, except Vienna who somehow made it out of this week’s storyline (thankgod), or Ella who already made out with Blake’s twin brother Kirk, or Michelle who is probably waiting for him to die, or Holly who, let’s face it, doesn’t know what she wants. When he picks her, it’s no shock to us, the viewers, but Melissa has a bout of Tourette’s
and calls his ass out. Then she grabs her BFF Michelle and runs away from the playground to whine about why boys are such a pain. But Michelle, god love her, she hasn’t completely lost her touch from Womack’s season. When your BFF can’t
even keep it together on national TV, you know there’s something there. “She wears her emotions on her hair tie… and her panties.” PANTIES, Krystal, PANTIES… they DO exist!

Melissa’s temper-tantrum brings me back to fifth grade… “BUT HE PINKY SWORE!!” What a prick! How dare he break a pinky promise! I swore Melissa was gonna miraculously churn that yogurt into butter. If they gave Emmy’s for a
reality TV performance or editing of a character, as those of us who know better like to call it, then Melissa would win, hands down. The cameramen men were following her like a mad game of Halo. This chick should have been looking for
Bin Laden. God knows she would have found him first! Lo and behold though she does find Blake; his 40 seconds of toothbrush time were superb. I just wished they’d shown what happened. Did he spit or swallow?

Onward to the Blake and Holly flirt fest, first in the limo, then the private plane, then a secluded mountain top, and finally a cozy cabin in the woods. Blake the Snake makes Mike’s heart ache. {Insert sad face} I swear that’s what Michael said. Hard to watch though, knowing that he was probably sitting at home watching tonight’s episode, crying like a woman mid-menstruation. On the upside, he got to see Holly eat shit, even if she did it with such grace! Me? I look like a drunken polar bear rolling down a hill.

By the end of this date, I thought I was watching True Blood—Eric making the moves on Sooki, while Bill pines for his mortal love in his mansion…
shirtless, in front of a majestic fireplace of course. But sexy time is interrupted by Melissa, voice of reason: “Mike, are you devastated because I’m devastated? We two should devastate them when they get back.”

Well Michael decided to take a different approach. Total rom-com moment where he’s frantically rushing to meet her when she gets back and then confess his undying love for her. Dude, if a guy pours his heart out like that to me, I would likely be putty in his hand. Instead, Holly pretty much brushes him off, gives him the ol’ heave ho.

It’s funny because Michael and Holly seem like they would be the idyllic couple, and everyone is rooting for them, including the hopeless romantic inside of me. But that’s what it is… hopeless! There is so much baggage there that it deserves a one way ticket to shitsville, never to revisit again. Better if both go their separate ways so that Michael can find a nice wholesome girl… just a sec, I need to call my boyfriend and inform him of the bad news.

Elimination time! Everyone is scurrying, but none as fast as Melissa. Sorry Kasey, but you need the money for your Grandma to live?! Is she on life support? Didn’t think so! She’s going to die someday… just everybody else. At least Michelle, who lost her father to cancer, plans to donate to research.

In another bowl of fruit loops, Michael pulls a Womack, bringing the picnic to Emily, I mean Holly. Aww how cute… but it’s been done.

AAAAAAnd she’s still scramblin’. Not seen anyone move this fast to save themselves… even on Survivor! I love Michael’s brutal honesty: you’re safe, and you’re safe, but poor Melissa, she’s a goner. And so she is, along with boy William, who never stood a chance. And did Michelle and William have a secret love affair? She gets all weepy, calling him “salt of the earth”… more
like salt of his tears. What? No mention of crawling into that dark hole and drawing the shades again.

On the other hand, I think Melissa could definitely use a dark hole to hide those bags that are forming under her eyes. Her ugly cry made me cringe, and then her cold shoulder made me giggle. She’s hurt her own image going on this show, acting all 30 going on 13. I enjoy people like Michelle who put a satiric spin on everything, even if they’re a little hated in the process, but I can’t stand the shit show that comes with girls like Melissa. If you know me, you know that’s how I roll, like Michelle. So next time a crazy bitch tries to steal your man, don’t whine and cry about it, show up with a black eye (no one needs to know it was self-inflicted) and say you handled her {insert elbow smack}.

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Don’t let trailer park trash and a tattoo guy run YOUR life!

Posted by emzkbd on August 23, 2011

Runs like a public service announcement. Oh no, is that what’s happening here?! But, they’re not even cute! I guess reality TV can really coerce you to do stupid stuff… like write a reality recap about a bunch of rejects.

On to last night’s debauchery… which actually played out in my world this evening since Monday Night Football took over the Bachelor Pad time slot. No way was I gonna stay up to watch the re-broadcast at midnight. This is how I know I’ll never get addicted to drugs… because I know when to say no crack cocaine. Isn’t that what this show is to its fan? Ok, maybe just one person who reads this blog.

So right out the gate, Blake takes us on a literary trip with his metaphors. Melissa, who I would simply call bat shit crazy or a hormonal horror, is so eloquently described as a live wire flailing around ready to zap someone. When I’m really horny, I could be described the same way, but Blake makes it sound like a bad thing. Last week he set up the Little Mermaid dream sequence (see “Something’s throbbing and it isn’t Vienna’s new nose job” post) and now he’s alluding to So I Married An Axe Murderer, except Blake is only pretending he’d marry her so she’d shut the fuzz up.

Now someone who might actually get married—Kasey and Vienna. Oh wait, Vienna said she hopes it’s NOT an engagement ring. Sorry Kasey, might as well kick the bucket now, and by bucket, I mean Vienna’s face. In the meantime, they can serve as our resident high school couple—giggling, making out on the couch, talking in pre-pubescent voices.

So while everyone is reminiscing about the elimination ceremony, Jake is undercover in the mansion, looking like he’s in witness protection. I guess some contestants are taking ousting their competitors a little too seriously. At least until tonight’s challenge where the ladies look ready to be deflowered (thanks to flower adorned swimsuits and swim caps) and the guys are showing off the equipment to the do so in their banana hammocks. Synchronized swimming never looked so good! Kidding! But seriously, those flower caps were super cute. I would wear one out to the grocery store… maybe… when I’m 80.

For this event, it’s guys versus girls, and immediately everyone assumes who will be the primadonnas of the pool. My favorite theory comes from Miss Michelle who bets on Holly and Melissa having the best moves because they were cheerleaders. Uhh, since when do the robotics of cheerleading equate to the fluid movements of a synchronized swimmer? That would be like watching Shaq do ballet. And then of course, everyone, including Jake himself, favors Jake to win because of his Dancing with the Stars stint. Again, dancing and swimming are not mutually exclusive. Then again neither were Ames and Jackie, but they still had a nice little fling. Go ahead, Jake! Give it a whirl!

Before we get to see Jake’s water pyrotechnics, the women are up first. Erika looked like she might drown, but then she was rescued by those mammoth flotation devices attached to her chest. Their performance as a whole (no, not her chesticles) was not as pretty as the flowers on their boobies. Vienna thinks she was spot on, but we catch a clip where she’s totally off her mark.

The men, on the other hand, looked much more synchronized. Not that that’s what I was watching, what with Jake leaping from the water like a mer-man and the camera catching a glimpse of his undercarriage. I can’t say that I got a good glimpse, but I wouldn’t call his man bits phenomenal. Maybe Erika Rose got a more up-close-and-personal audition as his snake charmer.

On a side note, I think Chris Harrison should have donned a flower cap and shown ’em how it’s done. Big, doofey smile, flitting around, pooping rainbows… in the water, of course. Instead, he’s just there… doesn’t even announce the winners—which were Mike and Michelle! I love how Vienna looks like she’s about to explode. But hey, after “winning” the Bachelor, losing to amateurs must sting a bit.

Moving on, everyone starts conspiring with their partners and hookups. Erika says she’s only seen nice things from Jake. Like I said, he probably serenaded her with his snake whisperer. Jake’s interaction with people, not just Erika, who during their alone time is basically arm wrestling him and airing out her va-jay-jay on his lap seems very contrived, almost like he’s acting. Hmmm…

Then there’s an inevitable Kasey and Vienna feud because Kasey isn’t guarding and protecting like he should be. Even Melissa looks uncomfortable around this drama. Vienna says she’s only trying to be cordial to Jake. That’s the smallest big
word I’ve ever heard her use. And then Kasey insinuates that Jake physically abused Vienna. Listen honey, just because a
guy has a big weiner doesn’t necessarily signify abuse. Unless he took that giant cock out and beat you across the face with it, which might explain her real reason for getting a nose job. Here comes Mr. Protector to save the dayyyyyyyyyy! I really think this dude needs a spandex suit and cape after his verbal tirade, declaring his sole purpose in life.

When we finally make it to the dates, we go from boring to depressing. Michelle picks Graham, Kasey and Blake. Obviously we know she wants to make fireworks with Graham, but this guy looks like he had more fun taking a sound lashing from Deanna
on her season of the Bachelorette than enjoying Michelle’s subtle flirtations. Next, Michael picks Ella, Vienna, and {insert dramatic pause} Holly. No surprise there, except that they say they’re over it, but obviously we keep circling the dead carcass of their relationship.

We giddy-up this day on horseback and catch an earful from Vienna, who probably whines whenever Kasey isn’t around. Fine, take off your stupid helmet so that when you faint—because you’re soooooooooo hot—you bust your egg (because honestly it’s full of yolk), we won’t have to listen to your meaningless commentary.

Meanwhile,  Mike and Holly get a little friendly 🙂 , as they put it, with their pants on 😦

Now, I, like most of the free world, don’t like breakups, and I wouldn’t want to re-live mine on national TV, regardless of how I felt about the person. Watching these two in relationship purgatory makes me want to shout “GO TO HELL!” If only so they’d make a choice about which direction they’re headed. One person who hopes to provide some piece of mind—Bret Michaels. I swear these two freaked out as if they’d one the lottery. And let me just say, Bret Michaels telling you you’re beautiful is like the
doctor telling you your herpes sores could pass as moles.

As a side note: I hope Michael and Holly win so that during the finale Chris Harrison congratulates them as the “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” starts to play.

Back to relationship 101—if you break up, you don’t HAVE TO figure it out. It’s called a breakup because it’s broken. It’s a book, Holly. Read it! If you’re meant to be together, it’ll happen. Suuuuuure, except that we all know you need to sow a few more oats with Blake because he’s new and exciting and uses big words like serendipitous.

Once it’s crunch time, everyone starts narrowing down their picks for elimination. Kasey and Jake end up on this week’s chopping block, and everyone has two add their two cents about Kasey. “It’s been so hard for him!” “It’s time to get Kasey off!” Hold the phone, isn’t that Vienna’s job?!

And then there’s Jake who’s willing to land on Erika Rose’s landing strip. And hey, if it’s a water landing, her fun bags double as a flotation device. But you already knew that! Beware the princess spy, Jake! She’ll stake out nearby hot tubs to gauge the competition and then kiss as many frogs as it takes to win her $250k.

Second to the last big event of the night, Kasey pops the question. Sort of! No, actually not at all because Vienna beat that until it was a dead horse. Hey Kasey, six months is not an anniversary! If anything, it’s a pit stop to an anniversary. But alas, Krooner Kasey still finds it in his romantical self to bust out some original lyrics. Here that American Idol?! Didn’t think so! But Vienna sure loved it. Maybe her nose docs should have removed the wax from her ears while they were correcting her deviated septum. Actually, scratch that! I’m sure it’s there to filter the raspy-ness from Kermit’s normal voice.

Last big thing that EVERYONE is talking about… besides Ben being the next Bachelor… is that super blunt ending. Yes, that was part of the plan. ABC wants you to tune it see who Jake drags with him. No he won’t pull a caveman and take Erika kicking and screaming by her bleached extensions. I’m sure it’ll be a lot less dramatic than we expect, but then again this our crack, right Kaitlyn?

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In 30 Minutes or Less you’ll wish you’d seen Planet of the Apes

Posted by emzkbd on August 22, 2011

Yes it’s Bachelor Monday! But here in the Midwest, we’re watching da Bears lose horribly instead of relishing the deviance of Bachelor Pad contestants. So instead of staying up until midnight to watch the re-broadcast, I’ll be bringing a Bachelor Pad recap tomorrow! Hope you can wait because I’m so antsy that I’m sure to dream sequence my own rose ceremony, complete with a buck naked Micheal Stagliano.

I fell a little behind in my theater ventures. Two weekends past, I caught 30 Minutes or Less. I thought, hey, I enjoyed Jesse Eisenberg’s portrayal of a cocky, coordinated Zuckerberg in The Social Network, and I was eager to see what he would bring next after such subtly comedic performances in Adventureland and Zombieland. Not to mention, I was hoping to point out the similarities between my part-time pizza delivering boyfriend and Eisenberg’s pot-smoking speedster who’ll have a pizza pie at your doorstep in, yep, you guessed it, 30 minutes or less. I expected Super Bad-esque shenanigans in between drop-offs, especially with Aziz Ansari mouthing off about Eisenberg’s character Nick sleeping with his sister. Nope, limited hijinks, and even fewer quotable one-liners… if any. Packing the action, if you can call it that, into a film that’s not even three times the bake time in its title, you’ll be glad it’s short because it’s such a waste of time. Shoulda called it Wasteland!

In a nut shell, two white trash dumbells, played by Danny McBride and Nick Swardson, decide to force Nick to rob a bank, by strapping a bomb to his chest, so that they can hire an assassin to kill McBride’s millionaire pops. Neither of these two comedians bring any heat in the kitchen. I was waiting for their moronic thought proceses to evoke laughter, but instead all I got was a bunch of pubescent sex chatter. Talk about a cockslap in the face!

So as I suggested by the title, we weren’t too far into this film before we realized we should have seen Rise of the Planet of the Apes, which we heard had gotten good reviews, but come on, the Mark Wahlberg re-boot was bad enough. All these filmmakers think they can make these classic films bigger, better… more bad ass. Otherwise, I swear they must be thinking, let’s tell the story that’s not been told. Ok, I follow you… and then there it is–a prequel! As if Hollywood couldn’t get any more predictable, they expect us to pay $10 and watch what we already know. Of course the apes are gonna win out in this one, and yet, I still paid for it.

Call me curious, but I wanted to see how a relationship between James Franco and Freida Pinto would work out through an ape invasion. These two didn’t have much chemistry, but it didn’t matter. They don’t freak like monkeys, so she might as well have been his adopted Indian sister. And is it just me or did she have like three lines in the entire movie? “Oh no Will, the apes are coming! Hold me and kiss me with a passionate gentleness that makes interracial dating look less awkward?”

Most of the movie, I felt like playing therapist to Franco’s Will, whose father has Alzheimer’s. Dude, you can’t play god! Did we not learn anything from 28 Days Later (they tested on chimps, too)? But he perseveres onward, hoping to discover a cure for the disease but ends up caring for the orphaned chimp Caesar who’s been passed the effects of one of Will’s test strains through birth. Caesar is a smart chimp… so much so that I would trade his infant self for half the people I work with on a day to day basis. I tell ya, it has to be easier to work with animals who fling their fecal matter and pick insects from their mates’ hair.

I think the most appealing part of the film is watching Caesar evolve in such a short period of time. Forget the tearful plot points involving Will’s sick father played by John Lithgow, whose mind first improves from the side effects of the same drug but then rapidly degrades as the plot unfolds. It’s the chimps you really sympathize with!! They’re caged and treated poorly, like most of the young married wives I know. Just kidding!

And poor Tom Felton! It’s going to take awhile for him to escape the villianous typecast of Draco Malfoy. Such a cruel, cruel boy! He doesn’t wield a wander, but he is sure an angry twentysomething with his electro-shocking taser. Just like in the Harry Potter franchise, I was on the edge of my seat waiting for this kid to get knocked sideways. And all I wanted was one snithering “Potter” from his sweet boyishly man lips. I guess “filthy primates” will have to do!

So in the end, the bad people get what’s coming for them–the pseudo-bank-robbing, blackmailer bombadeers blow up in an hour and 30 minutes or less (trust me, I saved you from a worthless ending) and the apes take down their arch nemesis, a.k.a. a money-hungry black businessman, on their way to the redwood forest. To ask the controversial question, I don’t understand why the filmmakers decided to cast an African American as the villain, seeings that I’m sure he had ancestors who were once enslaved against their will just like the apes are here. No I’m not racial profiling or suggesting the filmmakers included token minorities in supporting roles. I think there’s some metaphorical foreshadowing there–apes make it big in the big city and then enslave the whole human race? Gee, I can’t imagine that’s what happens. I guess I’ll have to wait for the sequel, I mean remake, hopefully NOT starring Markie Mark again.

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Something’s throbbing, and it isn’t Vienna’s new nose job!

Posted by emzkbd on August 15, 2011

Yes, I know. I’m a week behind on bringing you a juicy recap of Bachelor Pad. I know many of you are sitting at home, waiting for this to post so you can squeal like a Vienna sausage over a hot flame. Or maybe it’s gurgle in anticipation like Kasey the Kermit Frog knowing he might get to go to the Boom Boom Room, which I think is the perfect new nickname for my boudoir. Makes me wanna bang bang!!

Last night’s episode featured competition time meant a target on your back, a la Glee’s Rachel Berry. I’ve always wanted to pitch eggs, preferably with a fling of my pelvis. You know, tonight, I’m going to dream about the scrambled beat down I’d like to shell out to some people. I’ll let you decide if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. You know, I got hit with an egg once… actually my car did, but that was almost as emotionally damaging. The scars are still there… taunting me like those punk ass tweens who wouldn’t know over easy if you bent over and gave ’em a spatula.

Back to the festivities, the contestants had to “beat eggs on [their] backs,” which to me seems like a ferociously twisted way to make an omelette au natural, if you know what I mean?! The biggest losers–Jake, boo-hooing about his negative image, and Erika Rose, who, well, obviously could take some pointers from the Biggest Losers. Hah, just kidding, but honestly, you couldn’t argue that her face has seen more plastic than the original Barbie. It was no surprise that Jake was the target douche-nozzle, but I did feel a little bad Ericka because that probably would have been me. {{{tear}}} Then she opened her mouth and starting slamming all the chicks for their fake chesticles and how Ella was “way bigger” than her, and I thought, ready, aim, fire!!

So Michael wins it with the most connects for the guys, and Melissa’s eggs win it for the girls because they’re obviously ready to be fertilized. But before we go on their dates, we’re back to the JV squad, watching their hot mess of a squabble. Bauk bauk bauk bauuuuuuukkkk! Who’s the bigger chicken shit? I polled the ladies in the house, asking who’s story do you believe? Jakey-wakey oh-so-fakey or the sausage king of Chicago… oh wait he-she got a nose job now so I guess she looks more like a wo-man now.

I love that Jake calls her V. Really? Are you trying to land a spot on True Blood now, ya famewhore? Vienna refuses to be alone with Jake the snake, who I hear has a really big rattlesnake in his trousers according to next week’s preview. Maybe we’ll call him Jake the Boa Constrictor… moves quietly and strikes with a vengeance–STOP INTERRUPTING ME!!!! {insert tomahawk chop}

It’s not long before the voice of reason chimes in… “I feel bad for Jake.” Oh really Gia? Why because he crapped on Vienna’s titays instead of yours? Sheeesh, everytime this one opens her mouth, I wish the earth would open up and swallow her whole. And how is it that Vienna and Gia are BFFs again! One minute Gia’s pissed that Vienna’s banging Wes in the boom boom room, the next they’re bonding over Jake’s Shake ‘N Bake routine. “They say that looooove, it don’t come eeeeee-eeeeasyyyyy!”

The only olive brank Jake wants to extend to Vienna is his cobra… hear that Kermit! He’s coming fo that ass!

Enough about Jake’s penis… what’s happening on a boat? A yacht of fun! Har har har Kermie! {sound of someone strangling a cat… and then crickets} But really, this bon voyage definitely carries it’s own theme song–boats ‘n hoes, boats ‘n hoes, everyone’s gotta know blake’s a hoe. Totally down with the porn star music in the belly of the boat as Blake prostitutes himself out on Melissa, who totally pulled a Gia this season, switching up the rose from Kasey to Blake. Dun dun dun… Kasey and Kirk set sail, and apparently Kasey’s watched a leeetle too much shark week!

Now if you loved Blake last season, which I didn’t because he eerily looks like an ex of mine, I know you swooned when he pulled the I-had-a-few-drinks-so-it’s-ok-if-we-make-out! Rico Suave… this one obviously filled a lot of cavities through med school, and by cavities, I mean vaginas!

Here comes the dramz… Melissa’s ovaries are definitely on high alert for a mate, and Blake’s sweet, serendipitious smooches have hooked her. But Brent… I mean Blake, wants to join Holly on her island of serenity, but Ursula, I mean Melissa, is the hurricane a-comin’!! I think he used the word typhoon and capsizing, but I really think he just wanted to pull a Prince Eric and stab that bitch through the heart with a stake, so that he could join Ariel under the sea, or in some part of the her world.

Let’s just say, that threesome was definitely not what I was expecting either, and I would have up and left like Holly, too! When crazy walks into a room, you just gotta get out. Holly makes a crack about flossing her ass cheeks before sneaking out to avoid the water works.  Melissa insists she’s not the victim, who doesn’t want to defend her self anymore… seriously… because she’s fun and strong and nice, but no more defending herself, since she’s obviously pretty and smart and fun, oh wait, need a new adjective.

Rose ceremony, errrrr, elimination time! “Hi Kase, I mean God, I’ve come for my confessional!” “Do you think you deserve to be here?” “Well my agent says it’ll help my career!” “That’s not what I asked. I said Do you think you deserve to be here?” “Yes!” “How come?” “Because my limo company went under, duh?!”

{Insert Vienna fame-whore plug} “You can hit me at facebook, email, twitter, YouTube, Penthouse… the list goes on!”

Who would have thought Mr. Guard and Protect Your Heart would end up with that deer in the headlights? Gotta say though, his one liners are superb… looking right in the camera “It’s throbbing… are you ready?” Well with that come on, who wouldn’t be? Bring Papa Smurf!!

Enter Chris Harrison (and Jolly Holly’s super-short-tu-tu, loves it) to lay the smackdown on Vienna who goes ape shit in a matter of minutes. “I was forced to do this… just like I was forced to do Penthouse!” “If you’re unhappy, I’ll call a cab for ya, and you can go right back to the DD-list. Next on my agenda, two people are going home, and it’s not Mike or Holly! Yes, that’s right, we’ve decided to make this game a little more twisted and keep Vienna and Jake in the same room for as long as it takes to see more tomahawk chops!” At this point, I couldn’t tell if Vienna was orgasming or trying not to shit her pants. Sneaky girl, that one!

“THIS IS CHEATING!!” screams Vienna… {insert crickets} Nooooo, that’s what you (allegedly) did to Jake, remember? I swear I heard Chris Harrison say that! Enter Gia, I mean pot, who says kettle (Vienna) is soooooo fake. Gia who brags about trust, when in actuality she tried to play the game again, by convincing Graham to break up Kermie and Miss Piggy. FAIL! Time to ugly cry and confront people, just like you did last time with Wes. {{{SPOILER}}} Good riddance Gia! I’m sure we’ll be seeing your intelligence sparkle in Sports Illustrated, and by intelligence I mean the investment implanted on your rib cage.

So one girl down, one more to go… and I don’t mean on Blake’s pecker! Here we all think they’re gonna ship Ella back to her kid, but {{{SPOILER}}} Jackie gets the boot. Fortunately for her, Ames, in his Jester suit, rides in to save the day. The Knight in shining red courduroy! How romantical! The car gets steamy as they drive away, but we all know that’s because Ames gets in the car with his mega huge boner after waving goodbye to the dudes!!

But before we go, queue Crazy rowing in on her drama boat. Girl’s known Blake two minutes, and already they’re an “us”! Now, grant it, Blake was kind of a dick by leading her on, and he dug his own grave, which I’m sure Melissa will dig and then worship when he’s six feet under. But this chick is batshit crazy, so much so that I want to play the wicked witch theme from the Wizard of Oz when she walks into a room! Duh nunt dun nunt duh na na Duh nunt dun nunt duh na na Duh nunt dun nunt duh na na naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Happy hunting to all, and to all, a good night!

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CSL

Posted by emzkbd on August 9, 2011

No, it’s not another Jersey Shore acronym.

I’m talking about Crazy, Stupid, Love and why you’ll be one of three things if you don’t see it: crazy, stupid, or completely loveless.

It’s my first time back as critic, cynic, and sensationalist, so I’ll do what I do best. Go see this movie before you waste any more money on another Katherine Heigl rom-com. I should know; I see a lot of movies, mainly because I have this innate desire to escape and pretend I’m Ryan Gosling’s love thing. And whether he’s Noah or Jacob, shirt or no shirt, he always knows how to make a girl feel special. But seriously, a good romantic comedy with real chemistry and emotion is hard to find, and I didn’t need Entertainment Weekly to tell me that.

Most of my movie reviews tend to get a stamp of approval, but that doesn’t mean it changed my life. Doesn’t mean that this one will change yours, or mine for that matter. They’re usually worthy of the obligatory remark: “It was entertaining!” Because let’s face it, an hour and a half escape from our superbly meaningless lives will probably be just that. The Proposal was entertaining; The Ugly Truth was entertaining; Love Happens was torture. So it’s refreshing when something like CSL hits the big screen and makes you think.

Well, those of you who know me, know that I’m not a middle-aged soon-to-be divorcee. Try half that age and enjoying a seemingly successful shot at love in a sometimes oddly constructed relationship. So I’m not an expert, but I like to think I’m getting there. I am the byproduct of a 35 year fruitful marriage… although I don’t know if I want to equate fruit with my parents’ marriage or contemplate the logistics of creating said byproduct. Anyway, I’m here, and I know what it’s like to fall in love and have your heartbroken. CSL shows us old love finding its way back, young love springing from innocence, and new love taking chances.

Steve Carrell mimics his role from Dan in Real Life, as Cal, an average guy experiencing real pain with a touch of humor. His wife Emily played by Julianne Moore isn’t sure what she wants any more, except for a divorce. I feel that Moore never deviates too far from her genres. Someone else may have been able to step into this role and nail it, but for right now, Moore can surely pull off an angsty, uncertain wife /mother figure, which comes as a surprise since she doesn’t have an Oscar yet.

Needless to say, this couple’s dynamic points out their obvious mistake–that the married young and got boring. Did I say mistake? I meant premature life choice. And what about cheating? I don’t know about you, but I personally think school education needs to point out the repercussions of cheating beyond plagiarizing an English essay. It should be mandatory for schools to teach relationship etiquette, and I don’t mean gym, which for those who still have it serves as social hour. I deviate, but cheating says a lot about a person’s character (duh!). But here, it plays the catalyst to improvement in the relationship. Go figure! Cheaters of the twenty-first century just realized how this could work to their advantage.

In a more lighthearted atmosphere, playboy Jacob (Ryan Gosling) uses suave charms on law student Hannah (Emma Stone), who isn’t biting. Hannah, like Emily, doesn’t know what she wants, so she plays it safe with her doofy boyfriend, played by an uber-doofy Josh Groban. Like him, the film boasts an excellent array of supporting cast members, like Kevin Bacon, Marisa Tomei, and up-and-comer Liza Lapira, who are primed and ready for comic relief amid the serious relationship issues.

Maybe I still haven’t convinced you, so here’s another shot! Gosling’s abs are so not photo-shopped as Stone jokes in the trailer. All the more reason this movie should have been in 3D. That and his locker room/sauna scenes where Carrell is strategically blocking his crazy sexy schlong would have been worth the virtual cockslap in the face. He looks good in a suit, too.

So is it the best movie of the year? I would put it in my top ten, and I’d definitely like to see it get some Oscar buzz. I can already hear my best friend asking if I got a little weepy? Well as someone who is ripe in the woes of PMS, I can tell you I didn’t bawl like I do during an episode of Grey’s Anatomy. Instead, I felt for these characters in ways that tears couldn’t show. Blah blah blah, don’t let that deter you because I laughed a lot more, especially when Gosling drops a few pick-up lines. And dare I say predictable? Nah, these characters have a lot of spontaeity that you wouldn’t expect from regular rom-coms, and even though I was told there was a twist, I still couldn’t help but wonder how it would all unfold. Who ends up in love? Who goes all crazy? Will Gosling take off his shirt again? These are questions I won’t spoil because that’s just plain stupid.

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