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Archive for January, 2012

Things that will blow your panties off

Posted by emzkbd on January 31, 2012

  1. An all-expense-paid trip to Puerto Rico

It’s here our bachelorettes continue to find love… or fame. You decide!

Emily is still distracted by Courtney. Maybe it’s because she can’t decide if she looks more like Russell Brand or Janice Dickinson. “Be Nice,” her shirt proclaims. And on the back, it said, “Or else you’ll be on my shit list.”

Chris Harrison informs all the ladies that everyone gets a date this week. So don’t talk about the weather, or in Emily’s case, Courtney! He leaves the date card, which Jamie reads but can’t speak Spanish if her flight home depended on it—reminded me of Kristen Wiig giving her toast at the engagement party in Bridesmaids. “Gracias para vivir en la casa, en la escuelas, en el supermercado…”

  1. A torrential downpour—nothing gets you wetter

Nicki gets the first one-on-one, and like she says, it always rains on their parade. But who wears wedges to parade around a city with cobblestone streets? Then, when she took them off, I thought, people probably pee on that street.

I was also hoping to see a slip-‘n-slide as they were running through the streets. Instead, Ben advertises his extensive Spanish with this gem: “It’s raining… gatos.” More likes pussies, Ben. You can’t beat ‘em off fast enough.

Plan B (because we all know Ben’s Plan A is to get out of those wet clothes) is to pimp his attire with some authentic Puerto Rican threads. Too bad he didn’t take Jennifer! Her wardrobe could have used any upgrade.

As their date continues, they encounter a real-life wedding, just like the one Nicki had. Ben tells her he wants a BIG wedding, one that ABC will undoubtedly pay for if his relationship survives.

Nicki says she wants to live with someone this time before she gets married, alluding to the fact that she moved in with her hubby after the wedding. For all of you who waited to cross that threshold until after your nuptials, you heard it from Nicki—your relationship is doomed.

Ben says he wants to propose one more time in his life, maybe two or three tops if ABC will foot the bill, and Nicki’s ok with that as long she’s one of them. She wants her second fairytale to happen in Bachelorville where it’s happily ever after the next one and the next one and so on. Hey, if it doesn’t work out with Ben, she can always color coordinate Ames’ wardrobe or guard and protect Kasey’s heart.

  1. Diamonds

Moving on the group date—diamonds are a girl’s best friend, and Courtney deserves TWO carats, Ben. I love how Emily is shocked by this date, not because Courtney came along but because there was no jewelry. You mean, yoga pants and tank tops don’t translate to a Neil Lane black-tie affair.

Nevertheless, Blakeley is totally psyched to show Ben her (base)balls, and Lindzi gets to play for both teams, which would have made Monica crazy-jealous. MVP—Ben’s most valuable pussy. Shhh, don’t tell Courtney!

The score is relatively close. Who knew strippers could play baseball and models (+ Kacie B.) could steal a few bases and win the game. Oh wait, that’s because they’re bitches. Hey, Kacie said it, not me. When the blue team loses, they take to the dugout to boo-hoo their loss. But wait, “there’s no crying in baseball!” Meanwhile, Coach Beast Blakeley is scolding her fellow teammates for not rolling up their shirts for their lingerie baseball look.

So the blue team stays behind, and the red team proceeds to Courtney’s sexy time. She doesn’t see Ben with a lot of the girls, unless she’s picturing a threesome she’s strategizing, but she’s worried about Kacie B. Never turn your back on a girl with a baton, Courtney. She’ll twirl you something fierce.

Competition aside, Courtney plants the seed—skinny-dipping while the other women sit by unbeknownst to them that Courtney intends to surf on Ben’s board.

  1. Your very own yacht… for a day

Nicki: “That thing is so BIG!” Ben: “Why thank you!”

J-Woww Elyse loves being in love, and she came on The Bachelor to find her perfect Guido, or some schlub named Ben. Hey Elyse, if things don’t work out for you, Courtney could always use a personal trainer binge-and-purge consultant.

Ben wanted to give Elyse a full date, so he could have a free fitness consultation. Right away, Ben’s voiceover compares their relationship to his and Ashley’s—might as well drop her overboard now. Hope you learned how to swim while you were accomplishing all those things you wanted to do!

Whoa whoa whoa! She missed her best friend’s wedding to meet Ben? Honey, you don’t have a best friend anymore, but maybe you can find a new one on Bachelor Pad 3.

This chick is sick of being single, so naturally she’s ready to marry Ben, or find someone who can buy her a dress with both sleeves. Back at their romantical dinner on the beach, Ben wants to cut things short because, come on, this chick admittedly wants to get married right there on the island. Pump those breaks, Snooks! The only beach you’ll be hooking up on is the Jersey Shore.

A solemn Ben picks up the rose and begins his break-up speech while Elyse radiates enthusiasm. Hell, why shouldn’t she? Ben’s midget tuxedo screams “marry me and improve my wardrobe.”

“What did I do wrong?” she wails. Well, for starters you picked the wrong show. People that smush and GTL don’t travel the world looking for love. They find it in one place with countless one night stands.

For a moment there, it looked like she was going to drown herself in the ocean. Then I realized she was escaping with other illegal immigrants on a boat back to the United States. What a powerful moment that could only be veiled by a classic ballad. Yep, the musical interlude creeps in for the tearful goodbye. Someone somewhere is shouting, “WHO ISSSSSSSSSSS SHE?”

Meanwhile, the women are on petals and thorns waiting to see if she comes back. Queue “that guy” who comes to claims the bags. “NO!” “What?” “Shut up!!” “Are you serious?” “You’re lyin’!” Yep, that dude should have turned around and yelled “PSYCH!”

I will give Courtney props for her zingers this week. You love to hate her, even though you probably really hate her and hope that someone shaves her eyebrows. “It’s bittersweet. Really sweet for me, really bitter for her… her hopes and dreams went out the door with that purple bag… another one bites the dust… blew my panties off.” As would…

5. Skinny-dipping

Courtney, like every self-respecting woman, knows how to manipulate an emotionally-exhausted man—by taking her clothes off. “I don’t know if he’s ever skinny-dipped with a model before—could be fun.” Well, let’s hope he knows how to swim because we know you haven’t got any flotation devices.

She taunts Ben by flashing some non-existent cleavage and then dragging him down to the beach. “I’m not some sexy vixen.” I don’t know. I think Russell Brand might disagree.

As she’s splashing around like the Little Mermaid, comparing whether her or Ben’s boobs are bigger, I couldn’t help but imagine Ben’s Flounder perking up and exploring her grotto. Makes me want to sing a perverted rendition of “Part of Your World”:

Look at my stuff, isn’t it neat

Wouldn’t ya think Ben’s got a big stick of meat?

Wouldn’t ya think I’m a whore, a whore who has everything?

I’ve got dildos and butt plugs a-plenty.

I’ve gotta booze it and barf it galore?

You want cock-‘n-balls?

I find so many!

But who cares, no big deal, I’ll write some moooooooooooore.

Nothing about the rose ceremony blows my panties off. Ben’s sit-down with Jennifer, reminiscing about their concert date, was like watching paint dry. In other words, it was “rad.” I think the word you were looking for Ben was BAAAAAAAAAD.

He definitely blind-sided her. I would have to say it’s the second most shocking exit of the season. She had an innocence and a sincerity about her stalker-ish behavior that even I thought would supersede brain-dead model zombies Casey and Jamie. I never expected her to win, but it sure seemed like he wanted to go under-her-sea. Ok, no more Little Mermaid jokes!

Another surprise of the night—Blakeley admitted to Ben that she was a hermaphrodite. “I’ve realized something about myself that I didn’t know before, and I can’t wait to talk to him about it.” Ben never saw it coming. “I’ve always wanted to find love… I never thought someone like you would ever be interested in a He-She like me… and I’ve wanted you to know that I’ve found something inside of me. Ben, I have a baby dick, and I want you to be my first. Now let me put my man hands on you.”

Before things get too weird, Ben makes the rounds while Courtney hints that she was the first to touch Ben’s winemaker. Emily, on the other hand, will never squeeze his grapes because she continues to stomp on Courtney’s squeaky-clean image. I guess we’ll see next week if her manipulations buy her another rose or if the frost comes early.

Do you think Courtney goes home next week?

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Lookin’ SAG-gy

Posted by emzkbd on January 29, 2012

If the Golden Globes are the playoffs, then the Screen Actors Guild (SAG) Awards are… the Pro Bowl? Sure, why not? It’s all about actors giving other actors awards, just like the Pro Bowl is not quite the best (because they’re in the Super Bowl) of the best playing touch football. The SAG awards don’t have the anticipation of the Globes or the glam of the Oscars; they’re really just a filler between the two, as well as a reminder of which movies we should be seeing before the Academy Awards.

Coincidentally, I feel the same about the SAG red carpet. It’s not really about wearing your favorite gown of the season; sometimes celebs play it safe in black or change it up in a short cocktail dress. Of course, it’s still a place to spot some va-va-voom because those voomers are the ones who know not everyone has brought their A-list fashion. I’m looking at you, Naya Rivera.

So here is my breakdown of tonight’s red carpet extravaganza.

BEST DRESSED LIST

Best dressed: Sofia Vergara.  Am I becoming too predictable? Almost as much so as Modern Family winning the outstanding ensemble in a comedy series each year. It’s such a shame we won’t see Sofia’s curves on the Oscars’ red carpet. I think the fuchsia color is fabulous with her complexion, and I love how she accessorized with purple jewelry.

Runner up: Katrina Bowden.  Last time, I expressed my distaste with the nude, pale and white dresses, but here’s a girl with a newly-engaged glow Rockin’ a simple, chic frock.

Best black: Stacy Keibler.  I almost gave her my number one spot for this lacy number. Even though she’s only arm candy, she certainly knows how to steal the show. She’s my most anticipated celebrity to see at next month’s big top. No Cloon’in around!

Best color: Emily Blunt.  I think it’s safe to say she always walks the red carpet like a Queen. No, it wasn’t Prada, but her Oscar de la Renta gown was meant for the red carpet runway.

Best plus size: Octavia Spencer.  At first, I wanted to hate it, but the more I saw it, the more it worked for her. This woman clearly needs no Help working the red carpet, or winning an Oscar.

Runner up: Melissa McCarthy.  So maybe she’s not ready to take a risk when it comes to fashion, since she didn’t stray far from her GG dress (which ended up on my worst dressed list last time), but this time, things came together nicely for her. At least she didn’t show up looking like a Bridesmaid.

Best over 40: Viola Davis.  There’s not a Doubt in my mind that she, like Octavia, landed a great role and a great dress. The white color popped against her rich skin tone, and the beading at her bust line lent just the right amount of sparkle.

Runner up: Regina King.  Sure, it might have been a tad too young for her, but it was frilly and romantic. Plus we never see this color enough, and girl is fit as a fiddle. We’re way past Jerry Maguire, so it’s about time she shows us the money!

Best host: Maria Menounos.  Again, I think she upstaged her peers. Sorry, Kelly and Guiliana, but you two fashion police should be ticketed for not dressing more like Maria.

Best guy: Jim Parsons.  Definitely not a Hollywood hunk at one of these soirees, but he sure did a Bang up job with his tuxedo.

Most unexpected surprise: Kaley Cuoco.  I have a Theory that she and her fellow castmates are getting the hang of this red carpet thing. She’s never wowed me in the past; in fact, I think she’s shown up at previous awards shows looking like a hot mess. Personally I think the ball gowns and bridal couture look are more for the Oscars, but even so, I thought she looked like she climbed out of a fairy tale.

Runner up: Natalie Portman.  Honestly I would have expected to see her Anywhere but Here, but now that I have I’m in love with this burgundy number, the sash at the waistline and how amazing her boobs look post-pregnancy.

BATTLE OF THE GLEEKS

It’s no surprise the Glee girls are on everyone’s radar, and after some major faux pas at the GG’s, I’m sure I wasn’t the only one holding my breath for their next appearance as a fashion favorite or flop.

Here’s how they climbed my chart:

Heather Morris,  what were you thinking? The hair is so WT, the shoes and accessories don’t match, and the dress has too much going wrong—the different materials, the poor fit, and the leg drapery. Was your influence Britney or Madonna or both?

Amber Riley,  you’re one of my biggest disappointments because you always look great. However, this time, you’re also my worst dressed plus size. It looks like you tried to mate Emma Stone’s and Stacy Keibler’s dresses and wrap it up with a big bow. Never again or I’ll stuff you in the trunk of a Mercedes.

Jenna Ushkowitz,  you do know that you’re part of the Glee cast and not Modern Family’s, right? I get that this look is youthful and sparkly, but it would have been a better fit for MF’s Sarah Hyland or Ariel Winter.

Lea Michele,  I don’t think any dress was sexier, but you picked the wrong color (again). Any other color and this dress would have been a clear winner, a Rachel Berry must!

Dianna Agron,  I’m glad you chose something that really showed off your femininity, reminds me of Mila Kunis’ soft and flowy choices last season. Absolutely one of my favorites!

Naya Rivera,  you give Lea a run for her money. You’re a young, shiny J.Lo—full-on glamazon!

WORST DRESSED LIST

Worst dressed: Shailene Woodley.  As a newbie to the red carpet, she definitely put her worst dress forward. I realize the film The Descendants took place in Hawaii, but that doesn’t mean she should pay homage to the Hawaiian theme.

Runner up: Emma Stone.  I feel like she’s caught between vixen and girl-next-door. The cocktail length and flirty shoes are sweet, but the vampy black and sexy lace are spicy. Which is it, Emma? Naughty or nice?

Consolation prizes that were worthy (or not worthy?) of mention: Gretchen Mol  (a white and gold short-sleeved kimono), Jane Krakowski  (Xena: Warrior Princess’s black tie formalwear), Julianna Margulies  (this dress needs to see a doctor about its wart infestation), Kristen Wiig  (boring beige meet chocolate choker, now get out of my fashion nightmare), and Zoe Saldana  (guess someone finally netted that Columbiana).

Worst over 40: Meryl Streep.  For playing the Queen B of a fashion magazine, this Iron Lady has succumbed to the hot mess fashion line belonging to Diane Keaton.

Still can’t buy into the hype: Angelina Jolie.  The dress looks like liquid leather, the way it slithers down the red carpet. Is she a badass mother of six? Maybe. Or maybe she’s just covering up her bony bad ass. A trash bag could look sexier… or is that the simplistic look she’s going for?

Needs to find a new look: Jane Lynch.  Honestly, the style and color have been 9 of her last 10 dresses, or so it seems. Case in point…

Worst guy: Jonah Hill.  Congratulations, you’ve lost a ton of weight. Now why are you still dressing like your clothes don’t fit?

Tilda Swinton wannabe: Rose Byrne.  She’s too beautiful and presumably straight to go down the road of jumpsuits/pantsuits.

Most improved but still a Fash-ho: Julie Bowen.  It’s a better look than the last, but it reminds me of the curtains at a theater with the way it’s pinned up at her shoulders. I would say though that it’s the color that saved it from being a travesty. Arguably the “it” color for the show!

Don’t love it/don’t hate it: Michelle Williams.  I didn’t get the purple leopard print and the headband last time, and I still can’t accept the Valentino fitted frock with a little lace and a high-lo hem as a frontrunner. You’re a fashion conundrum to me, Michelle, but keep trying! One of these times you’re bound to be my (Blue) Valentine.

Tell me your SAG-gy faves and who you predict will stun at the Oscars. And as always, stay tuned for a re-cap on Bachelor Ben and his skinny-dippin’ ways.

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And how do you stop an evil dictator?

Posted by emzkbd on January 24, 2012

“You cut off her resources.  Courtney Robertson would be nothing without her high status man candy [Ben Flajnik], her tight physique [hot body], and her loyal band of followers [army of skanks].”

Last night’s Mean Girls episode flew us to the Canyons Resort in Park City, Utah, where I coincidentally have some history. While it may be the first (and only) place C Rob has ever caught a fish, it’s the first (and only) place I’ve ever ridden on a stretcher AND in an ambulance. Take it from me, Bachelorettes, if you’re trying to impress a guy, don’t end up on your back!

 

On their first day there, Chris “He’s too gay to function” Harrison brings the ladies some sound advice: “Don’t sit around and talk about the weather!” Right, Karen Casey? “It’s like I have ESPN or something! My breasts can always tell when it’s raining.”

Meanwhile Kacie B.’s caught up in her own tearful downpour because when she found out Rachel got the first one-on-one date she wanted to throw up. Well, so did I, but that’s because of Rachel’s 80 year old smoker’s lung and her leering snaggletooth.

As she departs on her date, hill-billy Lindzi’s acts like she’s never seen a helicopter. Hey, just because she’s a redneck, doesn’t mean she’s ignorant. “On the third day, God created the Remington bull action rifle, so that man could fight the dinosaurs…and the homosexuals.” Lookout Monica!

On to the best date of the season, we hear crickets… literally! Aside from a few declarations of “This is so romantic,” this date looked more uncomfortable than super jumbo tampons in a wide-set vagina. Another uncomfortable conversation, Monica and Kacie B. discussing how “hard” it is. I could only assume they were talking about Big Ben’s peen, naturally. I counted four hard’s and one rougher. Who knew Kacie B. could talk dirty?

The rest of Ben and Rachel’s bad date made me cringe. Stop foreshadowing your relationship! We know it’s not going anywhere! And you don’t have to talk about your flaws because Ben can see/hear them whenever you open your mouth.

When news of the group date arrived, our resident Mean Girl Courtney had plenty to say: “I’m only eating foods with less than 30 percent calories from fat.” So we know she was ready to take on the other girls. “Is butter a carb?”

While Ben nearly topples off his horsey, Redneck Lindzi is sproutin’ some lady wood for the man in the saddle. Personally I think a man who chooses to ride another animal is one pony shy of bestiality. Speaking of animal cruelty, Courtney is set on catching a fish, or as she puts it “catching Ben.” She sure reeled that one in, just like Kristin Cavallari did, baiting her vagina for Jay Cutler’s spermination. Just let ‘em swim upstream, Court! Oldest way to catch trap a man is getting preggo, but on this particular show I’d advise against it: “Don’t have sex, because you will get pregnant and die! Don’t have sex in the missionary position, don’t have sex standing up, just don’t do it, promise? Ok, everybody take some rubbers.” Same goes for next week’s skinny-dipping fiasco: “I know you’ll want to take off your clothes and touch each other, but if you do touch each other, you will get chlamydia… and die.”

Courtney proceeds to alienate Ben from the rest of the girls by making it her own one-on-one. “I have this theory, that if you cut off all her hair she’d look like a British man,” but back at the resort, the rest of the women are speculating that Courtney is a “life-ruiner.” Well of course she ruins people’s lives. Look what she did to Jesse Metcalfe! He can’t find a job if he paid for it… wait, is that how they met?

But alas, Ben is twitterpated, just like Thumper.  Not even Redneck Lindzi, fishing with her bare teeth, could distract him from pro-fisherwomen Courtney Bobber-tson. Once again, the bachelorette who really wanted the group date rose called dibs and came out thorn free, but before we get there, Ben is wowed by Karen Casey S. “Well you have your cousins, then you have your first cousins, then you have your second cousins…” Then you have an airhead boring us completely.

Perhaps the most scandalous event of the night was when Ben sat down with Samantha, who practically begged for more time with him when really she was on the rebound from her lascivious affair with a married producer. “That’s why her hair’s so big—it’s full of secrets!”

Apparently there was no sexin’, but I’m sure the show wanted to protect its own from a scandal akin to Rozlyn’s during Jake Pavelka’s season. It’s my belief we missed something, and apparently so did the rest of the girls, who seemed oblivious to what was really happening during Amanda’s unexpected departure. “I gave him everything! I was only half a virgin when I met him!” The world may never know.

One thing we do know: Ben’s in trouble with Kacie B. He said it himself—he might end up with her. But Queen B. Courtney will do everything she can to squash any other romances, including stealing that rose out from under you.  “I know how this would be handled in the animal world, but this [is] girl world, and in girl world all the fighting [has] to be sneaky.”

For the final date, Ben plans to do away with his stalker Jennifer once and for all by dropping her down a crater in the middle of nowhere. Oh, she survived the fall? Moving on… the women still can’t believe that Courtney got the rose, but sheer manipulation is a tough competitor. “You might think you like someone but… you could be wrong.” She will find a way to outwit, outplay and outlast the other women, even if it doesn’t mean a million dollar prize and the title of sole Survivor. You can tell this one wants her 15 minutes of fame.

Since Ben and Jen’s date is stillll not over, oh, there was a monsoon? Guess you can talk about the weather now, huh? Too bad, because everyone else is talking about Regina George Courtney. “One time, [she] punched me in the face shaved off my eyebrow. It was awesome.” But one person has had enough—Emily, a.k.a. home-schooled jungle freak, a.k.a. totally inaccurate portrayal of a sweet epidemiologist who goes rogue.

Unfortunately for her, Emily’s courageous act of honesty will inevitably backfire as it has with so many contestants before her who feel it is their duty to caution the Bachelor/ette. While these efforts seem valiant, it is hard not to mistake you as a rat, even though it may be the truth. The Bachelor/ette is blinded by love and may never recover, unless true love prevails.

Emily’s first mistake was confiding in Courtney’s BFF Casey, who will obviously stick up for her homegirl: “I know she’s kind of socially retarded and weird, but she’s my friend so just promise me you won’t make fun of her!” Casey definitely falls in line in the army of skanks because she immediately runs back to report to Court. “Boo, you whore!”

Once Courtney hears what Emily had to say, she flips the bitch switch. Oh sure, America will totally buy that you’re a nice person after this tirade: “I almost want to rip her head off and verbally assault her//I don’t start fights, I finish them//If you cross me… you should watch yourself.”  I can almost hear Emily responding: “That’s the problem with you Plastics—you think that everyone is in love with you when actually everybody hates you!”

I’m totally over Courtney’s obsession with “winning.” If you live it so much, you might as well apply to be one of Charlie Sheen’s bimbo goddesses. Sinning! I also think it was fair to say Courtney and Emily were acting like fifth graders mean girls, but I think Courtney’s exit with “I got a rose, you don’t” should have been followed with a taunting “na na na na na na!”

Time for the rose ceremony. Chris, you’ve totally out-gayed yourself yet again! Ben, you’re almost as handsome as Prince Eric, no, Jennifer is not Ariel, but Ursula has certainly disguised herself well as Vanessa Courtney, so find your Little Mermaid and let’s break this spell!

As we get another step closer, Ben ditches Monica, probably because she has a big lesbian crush on Blakeley, and tells the remaining women that they’re off to Puerto Rico. Courtney chimes in that she was just there. Well girly, you can certainly stay behind. I’m sure Jesse Metcalfe needs another D-List celebrity at his engagement party. Oh yeah, and I can toast lower! Boom!

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Model behavior

Posted by emzkbd on January 17, 2012

We’re three weeks in, and Ben already has a stalker. Maybe two, as I’ll point out later. And what better way to get rid of a stalker than to bring her to your hometown and show her around so she doesn’t get lost.

Of course, everyone who’s ever had a stalker knoooows that before you bring home a stalker you need to forewarn your family because things can go from kooky to bat shit crazy in less time than it takes to hand out half a dozen roses. Making a fashion statement with sunglasses on his back, Ben sat down with his sister Julia to tell her all about the girl who likes to ride (Lindzi), the girl who can twirl a baton (Kacie B.), and the girl who can’t do anything so she stands there and lets people take pictures of her (Guess!).

“My last date was with Courtney… she’s a model. I think you two would totally hit it off.” “Really, why?” Julia’s tone oozes disdain for models, probably because she was formerly obese. Not really, although she looks like she lost some weight since last season. Hey, I would too if I had to meet a bunch of hungry models and beauty queens who were using my brother to become the next Bachelorette.

Even though she hasn’t met them yet, she knows her brother is knee deep in punani and taking full advantage of what he learned from Dr. Ashley Hebert—teeth cleaning Bachelor-style. “Naughty, naughty” is right Julia! Do you think Borat would ask him wear he keeps his pussy magnet?

Chris Harrison sure has one, and it’s called a date card. Wink! Now even if you don’t watch the spoilers, it should seem pretty clear who’s getting the first one on one date girl in San Fran. Yes, that would be the girl who said “I think there’s a lot of pressure to be chosen for the first date… because whoever he chooses will say a lot about who he wants to see … the places that are important to him.” Why hello Emily! Did you know that was your date?

The editing actually spoils the show for you; you just have to pay attention. Before leaving, Chris says, “I hope I see all of you at the next rose ceremony.” Welp, I guess you blew that one wide open, Mr. Clairvoyant. Oh yeah, and the girl who is always featured as the greedy bitch vying for the group date rose is always the one who gets it. Last week it was Blakeley; this week it was Rachel.  I won’t spoil it for you; the show does that in its own clever way.

Speaking of clever ways… to kill your contestants! Ben and Emily climbed the Bay Bridge, and inevitably it bought them closer… to a more gruesome death. Just like Jake and Vienna, who had a similar bonding experience during their bungee-jumping date, this couple has staying power.

But I almost forgot! What are our stalkers doing? Well, everyone knoooows you can’t be a stalker without binoculars, or in this case, a telescope. Didn’t take accountant tracker Jennifer to spot them!

“A bridge takes two things that are separate and brings them together.” Yeah, and so do handcuffs! Bow chicka bow wow! During their dinner date, you could tell that this is what Ben was thinking. He just wants to get to the make-out sesh. Now we know she’s not even the best kisser, since her already pegged the wannabe firecrotch with that one, so to compensate he spices it up with some real fireworks to make the other women jealous. “She definitely got a rose!” Well, what if she didn’t? Maybe Ben likes to dump his girls and catch a fire in the sky display to cheer up. Now that I’d like to see!

Next up, a date sponsored by the Honda CRV and its campaign to complete a “leap list.” On Ben’s is the dream of skiing down a San Fran street during an Indian summer with hot chicks in teeny bikinis. Mine would be wrestling a Sasquatch in a mud pit in middle of the Alaskan tundra. To each his own!

Back at Fort Stalker, the producers fool us into thinking Lindzi will get the next one on one, when in fact it’s Brittney who’s doing the fooling. Emily tries to reassure her: “You guys will have a fun time!” “What if I don’t?” Dun dun dun! “Something doesn’t feel right for me!” Let me guess, is it that Grandma can’t chaperone?

Another foreshadowing we didn’t see coming (hah), Rachel a.k.a. Smoker’s Lung is ready for Ben to resuscitate her. She goes in for the kill and walks out with the rose. Woo, that was too much! Time for another cigarette! Stepping outside… Kacie B. tries to rekindle the romance, and Ben knows he’s got this one in the bag. “I don’t have many words to console you…” so let me tongue do it! Nom nom nom!

From kissy-face to ugly-cry, Brittney makes her exit. After all the (non-existent) make-outs, it’s just too much! She had to walk away, but not without stealing Blakeley’s alone time. These girls are so sneaky! Rawr! Meanwhile, Ben is completely torn up. “Say hi to g-ma for me! Peace!” Ok, he didn’t say it exactly like that, but when he went back to take his obligatory moment of silence in front of the totem pole, you could tell that it wasn’t just the producers putting him up to it. Ok, time’s up! Let’s find someone else to mack on! Unce, unce, unce…

At this point, he already suffocated Rachel with his face; you can tell it in her raspy voice, so better give her the rose for being a good sport. Swear to god, the shot right after he gives it to her (the rose) is Monica crying next to Kacie B. Girl, I didn’t know you were that broken up about these chicks snogging Ben. You’ll get your chance… to make out with the ladies, too!

The next morning, Ben confirms how much he misses Brittney: “No biggie, I was on the fence about her. She looks like Jessica Simpson pre-ProActiv anyway! Now I can rendezvous with someone with clearer skinner and browner hair. Oops, I missed a spot shaving my sexy, smooth Bachelor face.” Again, I’m paraphrasing, like Ben.

Someone else who’s totally benefitting from this departure is Lindzi, who admits she loves sloppy second dates. If it were me, I’d be like, I better be wearing the Heart of the Ocean, not some stupid key to a building.

Again, we have another date from season’s past—Lindzi and Ben riding in a street car, much like Ashley and J.P. did during their visit. Lindzi and Ben are doomed! The date progresses to City Hall. Shit, if the other stalkers knew that they were getting married, there would be blood! But lo and behold, Matt Nathanson was there instead to cum all over their faces as he performed his latest single.  How romantical!

Part two takes place at a speak-easy where they sneak off to back room so Lindzi can show Ben what she really does with those pearls. Then that nasty (fake) text message rears its nasty font! “Hey babe, welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You!” Come on, Lindzi, you’re not Carrie Bradshaw! Move on… to Stalkertown. Population: Jennifer.

Errr, scratch that… add Shawntel to that census. “He’s gonna totally fall in love with me!” Someone’s a little overconfident. I love how she’s giving a mile-by-mile update to Chris Harrison: “Almost there/only 100 more miles/just saw a dingo/gotta get gas/got gas, had to stop for Pepto/wonder if Ben likes dead people?”

Back at the cocktail party, Stalker #1 is trying to convince Ben that she came there. For. A. Reason. Don’t ever doubt that, Ben! Or she’ll killlll you!! Muahahahahaha! Seriously though, she was all Gaga, no pokerface.

Moving from someone who’s quite soulful to someone who has no soul, Courtney obviously has a stick up her ass. Maybe it’s the fact that her ex, Jesse Metcalfe, got engaged yesterday and she feels the urge to beat him to the altar. Would explain her motives, huh? Honestly though, I was willing to give her a chance, but she’s more wicked than Vienna and not as funny as Michelle. Although Blakeley IS the kind of girl with whom your boyfriend would cheat on you.

One of my favorite parts of the night was when Emily diagnosed Courtney with some social disorder. At first I thought eating disorder, but now it makes sense—she has no friends, except maybe that waif-y blonde whose name we still don’t know. And Courtney having Ben’s babies? Only if it’s via surrogate because we all know this chick isn’t walking away from modeling anytime soon, not with the twirl of her hair and the pursing of her lips every time she’s on camera.

But all that pales to Shawntel’s entrance. As if these women didn’t know who she was. You’d swear all the lionesses thought a minx walked into their den, which isn’t to say that she didn’t. Hatchet Face immediately goes on the offensive, along with the rest of the women. The “B” word is flying as if they were all a part of the Bad Girls Club!

Everyone flocks to the patio to witness Shawntel’s feeble attempt to convince Ben she deserves a rose. Now maybe they did meet and have a flirtation at a Bachelor shindig, or maybe she made it all up in her head like most stalkers do. Ben admitted to “talking,” probably while he was 20 feet down a hole putting the lotion back into the basket.

Then again, I’m leaning toward he-liked-her-but-now-he’s-in-between-a-rock-and-a-hard-place because the other women will assuredly rip of his testicles and fry them up like Amber’s beef nuts, a.k.a. cow balls. I give Shawntel credit for braving those treacherous waters because if there was a man I had a connection with and I knew he might be getting married, I would take that chance. Look out, Jessica Biel! I’m taking sexy back!

I also like how these two   are quick to ascertain that they’re better than her . Nope, I don’t see it.

From one dramedy to the next, Ben wastes no time apologizing to choosing Courtney who thinks it’s silly he’d even consider “what’s-her-butt.” Hah, maybe what’s-her-face, what’s-her-eyes and what’s-her-butt can have a pity party pow-wow after the elimination. One by one they go until what’s-her-eyes faints, and it looks like they bottled everyone’s tears to hydrate her back into action.

And just when you think what’s-her-butt might still have a chance, Bachelor Ben pulls out the rug and sends all three what’s-their-names home. Aww, how sweet! Courtney told her goodbye in Japanese. Hey Courtney, eat a bag of dicks, maybe you’ll last longer!

Join me next week when I point out all the places I’ve been to in Park City, Utah… cuz that’s where their dates are! Adios!

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The Golden Globes—the playoffs to the Oscars

Posted by emzkbd on January 15, 2012

Here we are in the midst of the 2012 awards season, and already I’m underwhelmed with the performances and appearances. I’ll admit I haven’t seen most of the nominated films, so I only have myself to blame. However, there aren’t many films that pique my interest, maybe The Help, The Girl with the Dragon Tatoo (which I’m almost finished reading), and Young Adult; the rest, either I’ve seen ‘em or I’ll leave ‘em. And as far as TV shows goes, I already have a full lineup on my DVR, and unfortunately I must not have very good taste according to the Hollywood Foreign Press because most have not been included in this soiree.

So since I can’t speak to the nominees (yet), I’ll keep my opinions to the red carpet. My biggest gripe—the abundance of blush, nude and gray walking the celebrity runway. BORING!! I’ve said it a thousand times, show up in jewel tones and you won’t be forgotten. It’s like all these ladies are publicizing their desire to pose for playboy. Show us a pop of color somewhere besides your lips and nips! Sometimes one or two of them does it right, but most of the time, I’m loving the dress but wishing it were in a different color.

Then there are the black and white, chain mail metallic, and my-body-is-a-canvas trends. Everyone has their niche or their chance to go bold, but I can’t say that any of these choices WOW-ed me this year. Kate Winslet and Claire Danes played it safe in their penguin-inspired dresses, but both failed to leave an impression. Next up, Nicole Richie parades onto the red carpet (excuse me, why?) in something that appears to belong under a suit of armor. And finally the Glee girls (Lea Michele and Dianna Agron) apparently thought this was some sort of living art expo. Lea, Halle Berry already rocked this trend, and Dianna, the swan thing is creepy on top and your g-ma’s doilies are hideous on the bottom.

Without further ado, here is my Best/Worst Dressed list for the 2012 Golden Globes.

BEST DRESSED LIST

Best dressed: Sofia Vergara. So the dress wasn’t radical or unpredictable. She knows how to work her curves, and it shows. This dress fit like a glove, just like Nicole Kidman’s,  but for Nicole, it’s all about finding a color to complement your features, and gray is not that. So, no, Nicole is not really part of my Best Dressed.

 Most Glamorous: Jessica Alba. For just having a baby, she looks stunning! The dress is very romantic and begs to be touched.

 Most Unconventional: Salma Hayek. The beading, the shimmer, très chic! I feel like she’s been missing from the red carpet, and I’m happy to see she’s returned.

 Best Color: Paula Patton. Good morning, Sunshine! This woman is the next Sofia Vergara, who coincidentally, also went with a fishtail dress.

 Best Blush/Nude: Kate Beckinsale. I know I said I hated this trend; I’d take the fishtail over this one any day. But like I said, every once in a while, someone (with the right features) does it right, and this time it was Kate.

 Runner-up: Charlize Theron. Again, I didn’t want to like it, but I recognize that she always takes a fashionable risk with the style of her dress, and it usually works. Plus, her porcelain skin still allows the blush color to standout just a bit.

 Best Long sleeves: Laura Dern. I loved this emerald color, too, but I think this was perfect for the carpet and a GG winner. Just wish she had a little more makeup!

 Best Plus Size: Amber Riley. So not all the cast of Glee made a mistake. Amber did it right last year, and I think she comes out on top again this year! Great color (it’s tough when you’re competing with the carpet) and very complimentary for her curves!

 Best Over 50: Helen Mirren. Always! This woman has aged well and knows what works. Ruffles done right!

Runner-ups (over 40):

 Viola Davis. Talk about a silent favorite. I had to check her age and realized she wasn’t “over 50” but I still thought she deserved credit for dressing sexy as hell at her age.

Felicity Huffman. Shimmering in a creamy gold number, she turns 50 this year, but she certainly isn’t a Desperate Housewife. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find a picture.

 Best dressed (Who are you again?): Jenna Dewan. Reminiscent of Mila Kunis last season, I love this style and the color. Not enough green this year! (Speaking of Mila Kunis—yes, I know who she is,  but I have to point out the reason she didn’t make my “list.” Black is safe, and this style seems so as well. After last season, this just doesn’t even come close to movie-star quality.)

Runner-ups:

 Berenice Bejo. She’s the French silent film star. That almost sounds naughty. Either way, I loved her dress, and I can’t wait to see what she wears to the Oscars.

Stacy Keibler: Yes, you’re George Clooney’s girlfriend now, but where will you be next year? Hopefully, making more red carpet appearances.

 Dress I desperately want to fall in love with: Julianne Moore. I love the layers here, but I’m still trying to wrap my head around the tiers at the hips and the feet.

 Runner-Up: Evan Rachel Wood. There’s a lot going on here with the sparkle, the scales, and the feathers, but I want to say she wears it well.

 Best Dressed Host: Nancy O’Dell. I know I said the chain mail look was out, but she pulls off this metallic look elegantly.

 Best Dressed Man: Chris Colfer. I almost wish he were straight.

WORST DRESSED LIST

 Worst Dressed: Piper Perabo. It looks like she has no boobs, the color is depressing, and it looks like she’s got the Wringling Brothers under that big top.

 Runner-Up: Naya Rivera. Perhaps the worst dressed Glee star, I had to mention how dreadful her dress was. This gray at least had more depth to it, but the turtleneck-like collar and the unsightly seam down the middle made it unsalvageable.

 Worst Blush/Nude: Elle MacPherson. From the weird wings on top to the explosion of tulle at the bottom, it’s red carpet trash. Thank goodness she has great hair!

 Worst Long Sleeves: Jessica Biel. Has someone already started to look at wedding dresses?

 Worst Plus Size: Melissa McCarthy. I hate saying this because I know how cool she is, but it’s just so wrong, like a bejeweled robe. And then there’s the Snooki poof!

 Worst Over 50: Glenn Close. It looks like a mother-of-the-groom dress, and we all know how wretched those can be.

 Worst Dressed (You should know better): Heidi Klum. I tried to find the fashion sense here with the turquoise jewelry, which I like, but I just can’t give this ensemble the credit it probably deserves.

 Worst Dressed (I let my child pick out my dress): Sarah Michelle Gellar. Aww how cute! Your daughter helped pick out that mistake. Looks like you wrapped yourself in a drop cloth and let someone throw a bucket of blue paint on you. Obviously you have no fashion sense and neither does your child.

 Worst Dressed (all of them with cap sleeves): Yes, I’m looking at you—Emma Stone in your belted Greek priestess gown; Julie Bowen in that horrific retro nude catastrophe; and Madonna, you’re not SJP, so don’t try to be trendy chic at these events for real actors.

 Worst self film-promotion: Rooney Mara. I was in her corner for most of her film premieres, but this is too much. Lay off the black and put some more color in your wardrobe!

 Dress that everyone will probably love but I hate: Reese Witherspoon. The material looks cheap, the fit is too tight in some parts and too loose in others, and the hem is way too long. Great beachy hair though!

 Runner-Up: Angelina Jolie. Sorry, I just can’t get behind this. I know I’ve seen this color combo before (wasn’t it Natalie Portman last year), and while the slit and shoes are sexy, it’s just not my cup of Blood and Honey (that was her movie reference).

 Worst Dressed Host: Giuliana Rancic. I think she needs to take time to heal from this dress.

 Worst Dressed Man: Jesse Tyler Ferguson. Uh, hello, I thought you were gay in real life?

There were lots more that I failed to mention. For more pics, I recommend a visit to People.com (where I found most of these shots). Tell me, who did you think was a hit or a miss?

And stay tuned for tomorrow’s Bachelor re-cap.

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Once upon a time… in Bachelorville!

Posted by emzkbd on January 10, 2012

Well we all know who stole the show last night. No, not whimpering Jenna, but wizarding Jenna!! That beard was tight!! But what happened to her part in that play? Guess she went out with an Ala-kazaam because POOF! she disappeared.

As a side note, I checked out her blog http://theoveranalyst.net/, which is really just a half-ass attempt at looking cool chic. Hell! The site is still under construction. You’d think that if you went on a show where you’d receive heaps of criticism for your behavior, you’d prepare yourself for the fallout and put your best foot forward. Guess she’ll always be known as the girl in the 15 second teaser, bawling her eyes out, a.k.a. The Bachelor mascot.

If you recall, I made a post about the film Crazy Stupid Love, which actually resembles a movie review. Well, Jenna has one, too, or rather two paragraphs where she drools over Ryan Gosling, quotes a generic line from the film and claims it is a “great movie with some great meaning behind it.” That one, she’s deep… like Ryan Gosling’s baby blues.

On the feature presentation… Last evening’s cast will be played by none other than the following:

America’s sweetheart Sandra Bullock  as Kacie B. 

Girl next door Emma Stone  as Jennifer

Good ol’ Marcia Brady  as Lindzi C

That girl from Gossip Girl who went brunette for a movie role  as Jamie

Demi Moore with social anxiety  as Jenna

(My personal favorite) Hatchet Face from Cry Baby  as Jaclyn

Some famewhore who dated an actor  playing… herself?

Mr. Ed  as Blakeley

And…

 Hey! Haven’t I seen you on this show before?

Well, the producers wastes no time playing up this episode as a love story (don’t worry, next week shit hits the fan when someone we all thought was dead and buried rises from the crypt and tries to embalm entrance Ben with her fluids charms).

As our leading man, Ben plans to woo Kacie B. in his hometown of Sonoma. Reminds me of Ryan Gosling again, in The Notebook, where Noah and Allie walk down a deserted main street, but this time, the leading lady twirls a baton like it’s her job. Then they watch a naked boy Ben practicing his lunges on a picnic table, or as they call it “family videos.” Quite touching actually! Hope his little willy didn’t get a splinter. That’s would be hard to watch for a long length of time. The image still wants to penetrate my mind but I’ve ejaculated the thought from my memory so that it doesn’t come back, thrusting it’s way in.

Next scene…

The evil queen Courtney can be heard cackling in the castle. Evidently, she thinks she’s the fairest of them all and hopes to see Kacie B.’s heart cut out for her viewing pleasure. This witch is drunk with giddiness when the prince, who must be under some sort of spell, gives her a rose on their stroll through the seemingly enchanted forest.

Courtney seems so contrived. I can’t tell if she’s acting, like her ex-boyfriend (Jesse Metcalfe) does or if she truly believes she’s a damsel in the highest tower waiting for her prince to come. Pity, the wicked witch always plays a pivotal role in the quest for true love. Wonder who she feed a poisoned apple…

Meanwhile, all the fair (and not-so-fair) maidens gather in the town square to greet the handsome prince with wave-y locks of chocolate. He puts those doe-eyed ladies to the test in their very own theatrical debut where the wee-townsfolk hold their auditions and undoubtedly make these women appear comical or uninspired.

Most of them make bedroom barnyard noises. Nicki does a sexy dance, which for children is the “sprinkler.” Highly doubt that got Ben sprinkling! Then there was JuGGs a.k.a. Blakeley, who just wanted to show off those bOObs she paid for as a Hooter’s girl. Bet she’s been ridden as often as Lindzi’s horse. I guess they’ve got something else in common.

Blakeley looks like she squeezed into a 10 year-old’s overalls. Hey, I didn’t know there was a camel[toe] in this play! The little kids wet dream-makers even made her jog in slow motion. On one side, there was the female opinion: “I wasn’t a fan of her.” Aaaand then the pea-brain opinion: “She did good.” Wipe that drool off your pants, kid! Oh, that’s not drool?

Another thing I didn’t see coming was the sheering of the sheep! BAHHH! {That was my vagina calling!} So Ben stripped down, neglected to receive his smooch from the hippie and the valley girl (who later setup their own awkward threesome), and gave the honorary Oscar to the weasel! Well, who else? Bearded Jenna was off twitterpating somewhere, Blakeley was keeping her gumdrop buttons covered in her gingerbread costume, and Hatchet Face had to be the ugliest princess I’ve ever seen. GOO!

So after the townspeople elementary school parents of Sonoma cheered at the festivities, it was back to the castle so Ben could perform mouth-to-mouth on all the ladies. Was it just me or did these first kisses seem totally unromantic? “My name is Doctor Ben, and I’m here to check your tonsils. If you want a rose, you better put out because I’m not proposing to someone who wants to high five… unless it’s in the bedroom. Wink wink!” I felt like I paid a quarter to watch someone else kiss at a kissing booth.

And in our final act, all the ladies attend the grand ball, where hopefully they’ll be hand selected by the prince to continue on his journey as the 16th unmarried Bachelor. Unfortunately all the Cinderellas don’t get their time to shine because the evil stepsister Blakeley, who already received a rose, has her sight set on Ben. She’s the so-called “cock in the henhouse.” No wonder Monica backed off this week—Blakeley’s got a peen! Which contradicts my next thought when she goes to cower in the bedroom: “Boo hoo, my tampon string broke and nobody will help me get it out!” Hey, there are two sides to every story!

Eventually the clock strikes 2:00 AM and Ben awakens a tearful Jenna from her slumber, only to send her bony ass packing, along with Old Mother Hubbard. So kiddies, while the prince hasn’t yet chosen his princess, horse, evil queen, or any other character in the fairytale, we’re less than one week away from our next storytime—Mr. Ben’s Wild Ride in San Francisco.

 

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Are you ready for some BACON?

Posted by emzkbd on January 3, 2012

A new year so soon and with it another Bachelor to make us swoon! Bachelor Ben will try to prove if “This Year’s Love” will last. Great song!! Really sets the mood—the one where ABC tries to convince us that a Bachelor proposal will actually result in a wedding. Makes those other guys look like chumps, what with Jake’s theme “On the Wings of Love,” after which his engagement predictably crashed and burned, and Brad’s “Kiss from a Rose” serenade which was really more ominous than hopeful. But I like it! It makes me want to find a spray-tanned, shaggy-haired man who shamelessly self-promotes his business and canoodles with Jennifer Love Huge-tits while insisting it’s only a hurdle he had to overcome on his quest for love on the greatest show on earth. You know, a real down-to-earth guy!

Like Chris Harrison. Man, that guy never gets old. Literally, he hasn’t aged a day since this show started in 1962 when Brittney’s grandma was actually the same age as her fellow bachelorettes! I can’t help but think he’s the Mr. Rogers of this generation. Just give him some trendy cardies and a mailbox at the mansion gate and his tagline could be “Trista & Ryan, won’t you be our neighbors, so this show actually looks credible?” Alright, enough about men that poop rainbows, because is there really any other way to describe his acting, I mean hosting gig?!

If you know me, then you know I cheat on The Bachelor. Hell, I’d cheat on each one with the next one because they always make the current one look like a diamond in the rough. He’s just had his heart ripped out (unless you’re Brad womanizing Womack) and he’s looking for a bag of skanks ready to tickle his pickle. Come on, tell me you didn’t want to throw down in one of those rows of the vineyard with Bachelor Ben and squash your own grapes? Ben, I think your tractor’s sexy, and when he’s carrying that  lumber, it makes me wonder how much wood could this woodchuck f*ck if the wood were Ben’s.

What I really meant to say is that I already know who “wins,” but I’m pretty sure most of you aren’t ready to be spoiled (yet). So before you stop reading, know this—I plan on keeping my entries as unbiased as possible so that my opinions are as honest as they would have been had I not known the outcome.  However, I will say that after first impressions, I think Ben narrows it down pretty well, and I’m fairly certain that three of the final four would make great Bachelorettes. So let’s meet them all… again. Unless you haven’t watched this season’s premiere, then hop to it. You’ve got a hot mess of catching up to do!

Surprisingly, I read more guys’ posts about The Bachelor than girls’, and one summed it up quite nicely: “I like watching the first day of The Bachelor just like I like watching the auditions for American Idol…so I can laugh at everyone.” Personally, I hate how they only show the background on a few of the girls so as to highlight the frontrunners and expose the crazies. It’s an appetizer sampler of all the things Ben will have in his mouth throughout the season.

And speaking of things in your mouth, first out of the limo is Rachel, whose teeth look like they don’t fit in her mouth. Props on her dress—the only one in red I think. Very glamorous… had to have something catch his eye other than her crooked chompers. Who do you think you are? Jewel? Which reminds me, we didn’t have any singers (so we’ve seen), only one notorious gangsta and by notorious I mean white and female.

Next up: Erika, Esq., who supports the verdict “guilty of being sexy.” Right, and I’m guilty of changing the channel after that epic fail. Who am I kidding? It won’t be the last.

Following that natural disaster is the Baconator, who I’m sure has a name, but after last night’s episode, it makes no difference because she has the coolest moniker.  For once, I was truly disappointed to see her go. She did leave us with scrumptious morsel though: “You live and you learn. Next time a sash… a hat… and a grandma.”

Only one could be suitable to follow Canadian bacon and that’s our fitness trainer Elyse who could have fooled me because that dress made it looking like she was smuggling a six pack… OF BACON. Bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon… it’s BACON!!! Enough, I’ve just made my friend Krystal incredibly hungry.

A pause is in order for this next train wreck, I mean bachelorette—seemingly normal Jenna. But don’t be fooled, she is no Carrie Bradshaw folks. With her svelte figure and carefree locks, she appears to be upper Manhattan chic, but inside she’s just another girl with daddy issues. So we add to our every-growing list of spastic, stage four clingers following Michelle and Melissa (man I wish she were named Monica, it would have played so nicely). Meet Jenna! Emotionally disturbed? Her facial expressions sure make you think so. That or she’s passing some terrible kidney stones.  And then there was “maybe we could share a tampon sometime.” Hahahaha! I love my friends, but there ain’t no way that’ll happen, unless it’s soaked in alcohol first. But seriously, she’s just a girl who wants to find love, and some day she might tie him down, and by that I mean physically tie him to a chair whilst repeatedly asking: Why don’t you like me? What’s wrong with me? Why are you laughing at me?  Story of my life… uhhhh.

Moving on! Stepping out of the limo with all the swag of a kool cat, Courtney “I’m a model” Kardashian. Oh, no, she just looks like Kendall and Kylie’s spray-tanned sister. Chick sure is a smooth talker, and it’s quite evident from her “I’m better than them” comment that she’s going to be the most hated girl in the house. Miss Courtney don’t care, Miss Courtney don’t give a shit. She wants that two carat Neil Lane ring, and I bet she’ll put up quite a fight to get it. I think she’s a “very pretty girl” as Ben said, but her obsession with own hair (and Ben’s) irks me in a Marcia-Brady-combing-her-hair-one-hundred-times way. Stop touching your shiny locks and stop filling Ben’s mop head with frivolous thoughts; I swear I heard some baby talk in their conversation—no, your hair is nicer, noooo, your hair is…

Finally, a little comic relief! Emily’s cute introduction with the hand sanitizer was right on queue and it earned her the first kiss. Ballsy! That, and her gangsta self! Gotta hand it to her, she delivered it quite well! I think she could be a really contender, and then I saw a preview where she is “the rat,” telling Ben one of the other girls isn’t who she seems. And we all know how those turn out!

Not to be compared to a rat, Samantha is our pageant girl, well at least in costume. There are actually 7 girls with modeling or pageant ties. I have to say Samantha is actually quite refreshing but give it another week and I’m sure I’ll want her to get food poisoning and drop out of the competition.

Next we have Casey S.in what my friend Sheryl calls the Lady Gaga dress. She seems a bit stately. Maybe it’s the side swept hair.

Then we have Amber T. whose “Love at first sight” bit was sorta cute if it didn’t make her look like an amnesiac old-timer wandering the courtyard. In her preview, Amber was the one who hoped Ben would come to Nebraska and try beef nuts, a.k.a. cow balls. She claims they’re a little slimy, but I say, the only slimy thing to end up in Ben’s mouth will be __________.  (Fill in the blank)

Nothing like a 180 to bring us to Holly who asks Ben what are the two things Kentucky is known for. Since he probably never graduated college, Ben said Bourbon. The real answer though was beautiful women and fast horses but somehow I think it’s really beautiful horses and fast women with big hats. Am I right, Holly?

From the bleach blonde to the brunettes, Jamie is next. Ben’s loving the brunettes, but what he doesn’t know yet is that Jamie is this season’s Emily, with a less tear-jerking tale of heartache—she raised her sibling because her mom was dependent on something. Evidently not the Bachelor, like some of us.

Then we have Shira – the less attractive, anorexic Ashley Hebert look-alike. Sayonara!

But hello Blakeley! At least that’s what Monica will say. What kind of hipster name is that anyway? Did her parents time travel to the future and decide to smash up Blake Lively’s name? This season on Bachelor Gossip…

We have a grandma. Emily was right to call it a cheap shot. Brittney brings her g-ma to mansion, and it smelled like grandma up in there. Oh Baconator, you’re so clever! So Britt-dawg earned some points because how can you not give a rose to a grandma or in this case her granddaughter.  I love how Ben walked her to the limo and then she got all tearful like he had just dumped her. A harrowing moment of grief!

Next up is Nicki or the Melissa Rycroft look-alike. She’s the token divorcee who’s already planning her next wedding. Oh and look at that the Bachelor symmetry keeps unfolding—she’s a dental hygienist. What is this? Torment Ben with his feelings for Ashley to make the journey more rewarding when he gets down on his knee for a second time?

Yeah that’s right, keep laughing Dianna! Girl has the giggle fits when she gets out of the limo in her wedding dress. My sister thought she was high, but the camera didn’t get in close enough to tell if her eyes were bloodshot. Not the sharpest tool in the shed, this one, probably why went home. That or the candy she fed Ben from her “garbage sack.”

Now, here we have a Jennifer, a fake redhead, and we all know how much real redheads hate fake ones. So we’ll move on to someone more deserving of criticism…

Lyndsie J. Again with the creative names! I thought there was only two ways to spell that name but last night I learned it’s a never-ending road of possibilities. I must say her skit of jumping out of the closet made me wonder if she were entirely sane, what with all those split personalities. Then she admitted to being a goofy dork and read her poem, and I wanted to hide in the closet for her.

Thus far, I think it would be clear that I like to make comparisons. Everyone has a twin, and I’m the one who can figure it out. Anna looks like Shayne Lamas, winner on Matt Grant’s season.  Couldn’t tell if she was playing hard to get or if she was just nervous! Either way, it didn’t work for Ben.

And apparently neither will Monica, who did receive a rose but apparently digs the chicas a bit more. My favorite part was when she told us she had a confession and it wasn’t the obvious answer. Something about dogs, I think. Her and Blake Lively’s interlude was fascinating, and I’m sure that’s why most men tuned in. “I care about people I meet and the experiences I have/and you’re my experience/and if you’re all I get out of this then I have LIVED/you’re in my life forever.” Sounds like it could be a ballad, but really it’s sets us up for “Are they making out?” Almost makes me wonder if there were some things we didn’t see because Blake looked quite comfortable. Last bit on Monica, for now, is that she was my best dressed nominee. Hah, as if this were the Oscars red carpet! Runner up goes to Lindzi C. in black with her riding helmet and consolation prizes go to Nicki in yellow and the Baconator in her backless baconizing dress.

Only a few more! Next up is Jaclyn, or as I like to call her, Hatchet-face. Anyone seen Cry Baby with Johnny Depp? Anyone? And Ben tells her she looks gorgeous! But I guess they told Hatchet-face that too. She’s also the girl who grabs the first impression rose and pretends it’s hers. Hah, yeah right!

Then we have Shawn. No, not a dude! Although at this point it wouldn’t surprise me. She is the lone single mother this season, and it looks like she’s still nursing her 6 year old son. She’s reading him a bedtime story and tries to explain a “fast poke,” when really she would just be explaining how he was made. Burn!

And now my favorite contestant—Kacie B. Isn’t she so cute when she waves? And her grandparents were like a real life Romeo and Juliet, writing love letters during the war and then they died. So romantic! But for real, she’s my favorite!

Rounding out the twenty-five ladies (although they will throw one more past contestant in the mix in two weeks) is Lindzi C. who totally called the first impression rose. She reminds me of Heidi Klum, and she’s quite likely my second favorite. Poor girl got dumped by text, so she’s got my vote! Plus, she’s ready to get back in the saddle, and by this, I’m sure she intends to ride Ben off into the sunset. Although I’m not sure if I see her and Ben as a couple… but only time will tell. I mean, girl rode in on a horse, obviously she’s a bitch! Ready for the cat fights?

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