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Archive for March, 2012

Capture the (red) flag!

Posted by emzkbd on March 13, 2012

Surely those red flags didn’t stop Ben from following his Poo Bear peen straight into Courtney’s pot o’ honey. I’ve known all along, and you frankly should have, too. Heck, it’s been obvious the past few seasons because there’s always a frontrunner—J.P. for Ashley, Emily for Brad, and Roberto for Ali. Nevertheless, I like to think I kept it fairly neutral even though Courtney was an easy target.

Now that the season’s over, you probably don’t care too much for these reality stars, unless you’re my friend Kait who follows nearly every single one of them on Twitter, which has prompted me to do the same. Who knew stalking was so easy?

Ben and Courtney will not be doing the media tour so that they can work on their relationship. As the song goes, this year’s love prolly won’t last. At least, I thought those were the lyrics for a show that has yet to turn out a successful couple. Trista doesn’t count because she was a Bachelorette, and Jason married his runner-up—the girl he initially dumped. So here’s hoping for the doofy winemaker and his model girlfriend! Hope you’ve got a big peen and lots of meds to keep her happy. Throw in some wine and you might see a whole different personality that wasn’t caught on camera. “Winning!”

Back to last night, Ben’s still in Switzerland, waking up with the same sassy bedhead and wondering wistfully out windows if he’ll make the right choice. Here to help is his “mama” and twin caveman sister Julia. I swear if you cut her hair or Ben grew his they would look identical.

Right away those red flags are poppin’ more than the booties in a Jay-Z song. Julia is hella concerned that Ben still has a controversial woman left who causes problems with the other girls. Julia’s expression practically spells out “abort mission,” but Ben is too busy rockin’ out to “Big Pimpin’.” He’s dating a model, yo!

First up, Lindzi meets the fam, and before the date gets going, my first thought was, “Damn it feels good to be a gangsta!” Actually it was “Damn, I’d be nervous as hell trying to impress my future in-laws while eating,” and sure enough, Lindzi’s droppin’ things like they’re hot. I thought for sure her wine would end up on Mrs. Flajnik.

The stress was clearly evident on her face… literally. In each scene progressing to their one-on-one date, I located a new pimple. ProActiv should advertise during The Bachelor because dating is stressful as shit. Even Courtney had a bit of a blemish! Then again, maybe Ben’s just a grease monkey.

Back to the date, Julia is bent on taking down those red flags, just like Courtney was bent over the arm of a chair, taking it up the tailpipe. For Lindzi, it’s go time. “I’m more of a people person.” Really, I thought you were more of a horse person? Either way, she made it clear that they’re two very different women, and Julia seems totally convinced that Courtney will not belong. “A model? Pssh, yeah right! Our family doesn’t even know how to do our hair. That girl will never fit in!”

For the next date, Ben appears in a wooly man-sweater, complementing his mom and sister who also arrived in complete Swiss attire. Ben greets Courtney, obviously nervous because she’s carrying some red flags. As soon as she can strike, Julia grills Courtney about her experience on the show, and apparently Courtney’s feminine wiles reach beyond the peen because Julia bought every word. “I’ll never know what truly happened until I watch the show when it airs, but I think you’re a really great actress, worthy of an Academy Award.”

Later with Ben’s mom, Courtney gushes about their relationship, but Mama Flajnik lays down a subtle threat: “He is the best, and I want the best for him.” But Courtney’s on her game and fires back. “I’m pretty confident in the connection that we’ve made.” Translation: Ain’t nothing comin’ between me and my man!

Once the meet and greet’s over, the deliberation begins. Ben’s in love with both women; they’re two amazing girls; things just keep getting harder and harder. Blah blah blah! Lindzi’s great, but we know Courtney’s what you want. Let’s shave off an hour, put Lindzi on a plane, and call it a day! Think of how many roses wouldn’t have had to die!

No can do! ABC intends to draw out the suspense. Ben takes a page from Courtney’s master manipulator manual and tries to convince Lindzi that she still has a shot. Little did she know that the date he planned—skiing, her first time—was designed to have her evac-ed off the mountain on a stretcher. Sorry about your head! Better luck next time! Peace, out!

But Lindzi was smarter! She used Ben as her crutch. If she went down, he was going down, too! If she can’t have him, no one can!! At the resort, there’s a lot of nodding, yesses, and uh huhs, followed by making out to silence the verbal romantic diarrhea.

The next day, Ben called the heli-chopper to wisk him and Courtney away to a secluded spot, obviously the more intimate date. Yes, these two were super cute, cooking ka-bobs over a makeshift stove, making snow angels and sledding down the hill. Compared to skiing, this date clearly says “I want to spend quality time with you. That other girl could have broken her leg, but you’re a model and therefore belong on a pedestal.”

After their date, Ben arrives at Courtney’s humble abode. I knew she’d get him there someday, clothes or no clothes! Although I guess he went to Lindzi’s room, too! Last chance to lay the pipe before he sends her back to Dumpsville—population Lindzi… again!

Courtney must have gotten the stalker portfolio idea from Blakeley, and the producers obliged. How else would she have gotten those pics? “Past, present and future”—if that doesn’t say it all, then clearly you’ve not been paying attention. After all, it was a theme reiterated quite often after their date in Belize and blatantly used in his proposal. Ben didn’t have a theme with any of the other women, except maybe Kacie B.—“What the FUCK happened?”

The next day, Ben and the women take some moments of choreographed self-reflection, and then Ben gets a visit from Neil Lane. The only other thing this show has in its back pocket is a florist, and maybe a helicopter service. Naturally Ben has to pick the biggest rock because as Courtney said in the first episode she wants a two carat diamond. Meanwhile, the bride-to-be is modeling a baby doll in her bedroom window like the exhibitionist she is.

As the women prepare for their last day, you can’t help but think they’re dressing up for a Harry Potter convention. Those capes, those gloves, those ruffles definitely gave off a witchy vibe—only one of which could pull it off.

I’m sure America’s heart sank when Lindzi emerged from the chopper first, but all I kept thinking is her hair looked better on less important days, strapless dresses aren’t her style, and girl sure wasted no time getting in the first word, probably because the last time she was dumped she didn’t get in any. The whole time, it looks like she knows she’s going home without a ring, thinking “Damn, that’s gonna be a long flight!”

When Ben tells her he’s fallen in love with her, she hardly buys it, and what I’m hardly buying is her lack of emotion. She didn’t shed one tear to our knowledge, and her only piece of parting sorrow was “If things don’t work out, call me.” I guess she’s hoping he pulls a Mesnick! But who wants to be sloppy seconds, other than Molly?

The next thought on everyone’s mind is “Will he pull a Womack and not pick either of them? He has to have seen Courtney’s true colors by now, right Nicki?” But alas my fellow Bachelor fans, this season was unlike any other in that the Bachelor picked perhaps the most disliked woman in the show’s history.

Will it last? It seemed like a sweet, sincere proposal, both delivered and received. A romantic moment that even made me a little weepy! Watching the recap during the After the Final Rose (ATFR) it appeared they were both truly moved by the experience and their relationship on the show. Only time will tell, but I think the media scrutiny will get to them. Their true colors will surface behind closed doors, and the red flags will have been a warning unheeded.

Stay tuned for next season’s Titanic disaster, by which I mean guilty pleasure!

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Winning…not so much

Posted by emzkbd on March 6, 2012

From hand-holding to tampon-toting, this group of bachelorettes put on a great show. The anticipation of who Ben eliminates each week was nothing compared to the pee-my-panties excitement of watching Courtney bend over and take it up the tailpipe—an expression she has been known to use, perhaps both figuratively and literally.

It’s down to the final two—Courtney and Lindzi—in what ABC is promoting as the most controversial finale ever, just like all previous rose ceremonies to date. Unless Ben pulls a Womack (dumping both women) or a Mesnisk (picking one, dumping her, then picking the other), I don’t see it being that scandalous… and I know what happens. Either he picks Lindzi, putting all the tabloids to shame and perpetuating a Marlboro fairy tale, where they ride off into the sunset with a pack of Reds; or he picks Courtney, inciting the wrath of every seemingly normal woman in America watching this show.

But before the kitties can scratch, ABC gives us a behind-the-scenes look at how they cast the Bachelor Pad—by seeing who sleeps with the most people at a reunion. Now I consider myself a Bachelor fanatic, but honestly, I didn’t recognize half of these people, but of those I do remember, I can’t say I’m all that impressed.

Reid, you were such a dreamboat! And I thought you had a girlfriend?! Now you like a dilapidated Steve Carrell at the beginning of Crazy Stupid Love.

Kasey, of course you’re ready to show the world that you’re no longer Vienna’s puppet. Time to guard and protect some punani!

Ed—what a doofus! Everyone’s playing him up like he’s got swag, but I’m thinking there’s another word that rhymes with that that’s more suited… HAG! (What did you expect?) He looks like what frat guys grow up to be. At least he had nice things to say about his ex, Jillian.

Then there’s Ali, who’s whored up more TV and magazine spots than any other single contestant, and don’t forget there’s a Jake Pavelka out there! Ali fully intends to rule the BP house like Vienna, but with fewer nip-tucks and less one-man exclusivity. If Frank or Roberto or any of the other single guys show up, there will definitely be some hanky-panky along with a bouquet of drama. “He loves me, he loves me not… well Frank doesn’t love me. He still has a girlfriend, so how ‘bout I make-out with Ty to see if he’s jealous.”

Then there’s Ryan, who seems like such an easygoing guy, but not necessarily the guy you want to get naked with. Maybe just the guy to sell you the most eco-friendly appliances for your home at an affordable price!

Well, those are just the newbies, but I’m hoping to see some of our old favorites rejoin cesspool of reality incest. Hello, Mike Stagliano! Can my beef drapes breakdance on your face?

When the ice cream social commences, Chris “self-medicating” Harrison reminds us of the following: Casey S. has nothing to contribute except her obsession with Ben’s hair, Blakeley is a stripper/hooker/girl-your-boyfriend-cheats-on-you-with-if-he-likes-man-hands, Jamie has never seen let alone touched a peen, and Courtney is a call girl, waiting to be invited in.

Right away, the felines flex their fingernails, targeting Blakeley’s notorious “blessings.” If she had a low cut dress on like most of the other women, I’m sure the cameraman’s raging boner would have been visible from any angle.

Brittney still won’t admit that she looked bad on camera so she blames her lack of a connection with Ben on her departure. Before we get to hear more of her compelling story, the chattering Chihuahua chimes in to the conversation.

First up in the hot seat, Shawntel . Not so strutty now! Elyse can still be heard exclaiming “WHO ISSSSSSSSSS SHE?”

“Oh, she’s the one with the thunder thighs,” says the girl who looks like she was born with countless birth defects. Hatchet-face also contributes her two-cents to the name calling: “I’ll call you a bitch every time you walk into a room and own it, but I won’t call you ugly to your face like Spina bifida over there.”

Question of the day: How is Dr. Emily not the next Bachelorette? I don’t want to watch a weepy widower when I could watch someone rap her way through a rose ceremony. As long as she brings a better push-up bra!

Emily taught us some valuable lessons. 1) All men think first with their peen. In this case, when the ocean was in motion, Ben’s potion was Courtney’s lotion. This means, bring condoms, less mess. 2) Tread lightly when throwing people under the bus, because when you violently shove them toward their demise, you might get pulled under as well. Let them walk into oncoming traffic at their own risk.

One of my favorites parts of the night was when Chris asked Emily “So what happens if he chooses Courtney?” and the camera cuts to Kacie B. gripping Nicki’s hand like they’ve just been told the cancer’s back.

I won’t lie—Nicki in the hot seat almost put me to sleep. Maybe it’s because a woman who’s learned her lesson and knows she didn’t do anything wrong isn’t as exciting as a woman who shouts “What the FUCK happened?” and flies halfway around the world to get closure. But even then, that conversation started to lose me, not because of the mood but because of her sideburn that kept distracting me.

Meanwhile, Courtney is waiting in the wing. All the women are prepared to squash her like the black widow she is. If you’ve watched the show, as I’m sure you have, then I’m sure the things that were said about Courtney’s personality were no surprise. Emily, as the voice of reason, seemingly gave the most accurate and authentic portrayal of the experience, and boy do I love Monica’s sound effects to enhance her storytelling.

You know, the entire show we didn’t hear from the cow ball country chick in the corner. Probably because the Taco Bell dog wouldn’t stop Yo quiero-ing. I just wanted her nasally babble to cease.

Once Courtney makes her appearance, you can see Kacie B. is clearly jealous of how skinny she is. Courtney is calm and composed as she prepares for a beating that not even slave owners would have condoned. Even if you don’t like her, you have to give her props for walking in front of that firing squad.

Maybe she was researching her latest role as a battered woman on a soap opera series; maybe she has a multiple personality disorder and that was her sad face; or maybe she was truly a girl standing in front of a shaggy-haired boy asking him to pick her over all those other bitches and this was her way to prove it. The world may never know!

However, it does seem awfully suspicious that she went wedding dress shopping a few days after the taping. Another way of throwing it back in their faces?

Chris Harrison had to step away to notify a chopper than he may need a med-evac. Apparently, he was sick during filming, but dude keeps it fresh and crisp on air. “My name’s Chris Harrison, and I poop rainbows!” It sounds better when a leprechaun says it.

Courtney proceeds with her monologue, which I’m sure included various excerpts from sociology textbooks and How-To pamphlets on apologizing profusely. And who knew Jenna could compose a logical argument that nearly explains Courtney’s behavior?

Courtney claims she cared for Ben. Her hesitation here makes me wonder if she’s seen his womanizing in the latest reports from UsWeekly. Unless he’s with Lindzi, because finishing second when you expected to win would hurt, too. BTW, I totally wanted the show to incorporate the auto-tune video of Courtney singing “I got the rose.” If you haven’t seen it yet, enjoy it below!

Courtney Robertson’s “I got the rose”

Before we skip off to bed, we’re privy to Ben’s nightmare, and I’m not just talking about the one where he wears that hideous shirt. He claims he didn’t compare the women to each other, just to Courtney and her open-hoo-ha policy.

Smart Emily proceeds to ask the stupidest question of the night: What went wrong? I can’t imagine you bad-mouthing Courtney had anything to do with it. But you thought it was the raps? Looks like Emily’s words of wisdom have vanished because she’s just been whisked back to START.

Later, Nicki and Ben discuss their sexual encounter:

Nicki: “I will back that you are the best man I’ve ever bagged in my life.”

Ben: “My penis had such good feelings about you, too. You were so nurturing in bed… and I liked how I could go really, really deep. I really respected that about you.”

Jamie is still holding out for that feeling, which is probably why she asked Ben to give her another try. Maybe this time with more tongue and less lap dance!

And finally the most surprising confession of the night, Ben admitted to getting naked all the time. So see, it wasn’t Courtney’s fault! It was Ben’s peen that needed the fresh air, followed by a warm, wet place in which to submerge itself.

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