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Posts Tagged ‘Survivor’

Sex Tie Breaker?

Posted by emzkbd on February 26, 2013

The beginning of the end starts in Thailand. Sean: “These are my last three girls… sex tie breaker?”

Final two

Sean lounges around—literally, in a wifebeater in a hammock—while he recaps his journey with each of the women. Blah, blah, blah. This is when I started drinking! And then it happened—Bachelor Nation Speaks Out via Twitter. One of the first tweets said “Jennifer Lawrence loves The Bachelor“, making Chris Harrison poop more than rainbows.

Sean goes for a swim… to clear his head. I don’t know why he didn’t just spank it. His first date is with Lindsay, and they go to the market. One tweeter says her dad is addicted to the show. Now in my viewing party, almost all the girls chimed in that their dads watch it, too. See future husbands of American women what you have to look forward to in your older age!

Sean and Lindsay sample various foods. Upon watching the season, Lindsay will say: “Why didn’t Sean buy ME an eternity bracelet?” Apparently, Lindsay said she wouldn’t eat bugs, so in true Survivor-fashion, they eat ‘em. Bugs Lindsay looks like she can’t get enough water through her straw. At least her torch won’t be snuffed tonight!

Sean attributes Lindsay to a “high school sweetheart”. Little does he know she’s still in high school. Their date continues on a beach with monkeys. Monkeys Lindsay throws someone’s intestines grapes at ‘em. They proceed to make out for the monkeys. Monkey see, monkey do it—monkey-style!

The date concludes with dinner and a show. Sean asks Lindsay if she’d move to Dallas, and she says yes. But why do the women have to move? Just because he has his own show, they have to pick up and relocate? How pre-feminist movement, Sean!

All of a sudden, dancers emerge with crazy long (fake) fingernails. These chicks are bendy. No wonder men love Asians! Apparently, this put Sean in the mood because he busts out the Fantasy Suite card, and Lindsay doesn’t hesitate. Not sure what they’re going to do, but one tweeter might have it right: “Have praying and fantasy suite ever been used in the same sentence?”

I had to explain the Fantasy Suite to my Bachelor Virgin friend—no, not Sean Lowe! It’s where the Bachelor/ette takes each of his/her final three to talk, make out and seductively clothes the door or draw the shades just as things are getting good. Unless you’re Viena Girardi who throws on lingerie and gets the party started while the cameras are still there!

Lindsay chokes (on a bug?) while trying to tell Sean how she feels about him, but then she catches her second wind and purrs “I love you”. Sean loves hearing her saying that, even though she’s only said it one time.

The next day, AssLee is ready to spend the day with “the love of her life” on a boat. She says she’s like “a schoolgirl in love”. What are with these references? Does Sean have a fetish?

Their destination is the Emerald Cave, and they have to swim through it to get to their private beach. AssLee is scared and wants to ensure they have a “floaty-thing”. Uhhh, I think you’ll be fine—you have two! AssLee brings up her fear of abandonment as if Sean were going to leave her stranded in this cave.

Another tweet says the producers love getting Sean wet this season, but I think their real objective was to get their demographic—ladies age 18-34—wet this season. The camera cuts to a sign written in Thai (presumably)—beware the cave! But in they go! Haven’t you people seen The Descent?! I swore I saw a person in there with them. Or maybe it was just a cameraman creepin’!

AssLee talks about letting go or else “you won’t fall in love”, but if it were me in that cave, I wouldn’t let go of anything! Then they see “the light at the end of the tunnel”! Could it be the end of your relationship? Or is that too much foreshadowing?

Once they emerge, my first thought is “sex on the beach”. Again, if it were me, I’d tell the cameramen to take a hike because that’s once in a lifetime, for sure. Just don’t forget to put a towel or two down.

AssLee says she’s ready to say yes to Sean’s proposal and she doesn’t think there are two more human beings more right for each other. Hmm, I could think of two…

Another dinner date on the beach with these two makes me worry there will be more vocal expressions of affection in the form of screaming. Sean tells her that if he gets down on one knee, it means he will spend the rest of his life with you. Can we hold you to that, Sean?

During this portion of their date, my group of lady-friends was trying to figure out what AssLee’s necklace said. Asshat? Eggnest? Note: Possessionista.com says it’s “gypset” which refers to the “boho, casual California lifestyle.” Ok….

Sean has other things on his mind as he hands AssLee the Fantasy Suite card. He wants her to know what his intentions are—dry-humping like rabbits—without any distractions—all night! AssLee is down with that, but she doesn’t want to cross any boundaries, i.e. no heavy petting. {sad face} Does that mean he’ll have to get her off with a flower like in 40 Days and 40 Nights?

AssLee says she’s going to follow her heart and her heart is telling her she wants to spend time alone with Sean. Suuuuuuure, your heart’s telling you that! Pffft! Then, she drops this gem: “I like a cushion ring with diamonds all the way around on the band, and I think my ring size is 6.5… I definitely know what I want… and that’s more screen time.”

Sean’s third and final date takes him and Catherine on a jug boat, where Catherine plays “queen” of the world. Leo would be proud! Sean loves her weirdness.

Their dialogue continues, and it’s all “I’m a commitment-phobe”, “I haven’t been this vulnerable”, “I get scared”.  Then they backflip into the water, and Sean grabs her ass. My friends and I have determined he’s an ass-man as he’s grabbed a lot of booty in this episode. They get back on the boat and make out in the rain. Catherine says “I’m, like, in the clouds right now” as lightning strikes.

The date progresses to dinner where they enjoy Mai Tais, or as I like to call them “Thai Tais”. Sean asks her what their lives would look like in five years, and Catherine says “I wouldn’t be surprised if a kid was involved.” What are you going to kidnap one? Or are you talking about the annoying neighbor kid who always shows up on your doorstep?

In this midst of this conversation, a tweet pops up that says “Sean wonders if Catherine can settle down and start a family. Her mouth says yes. Her nose piercing says, ‘I’m outta here.’” She is the weirdest person, which makes all this “traditional” talk confusing. What about a nose ring is traditional?

At this time, it’s time to discuss the Fantasy Suite. “Before I even came… in my panties… I was thinking about the Fantasy Suite. There’s no way I would do that. I wouldn’t let myself do that. I wanted to make sure that I was still seen as a lady… not like the whore writing this post.”

Sean: “I love hearing you say that… [I just want] uninterrupted hours of finger-dipping and nob-noshing… just you and me.” Catherine accepts. The two of them depart for the room and their boring night of patty-cake. Catherine confesses she never thought a boy like Sean would like a girl like her. Honey, we already went over this. He has a thing for Asians. Nail-cam reveals her accent nail.

Meanwhile, Catherine tells Sean that she’d been made fun of a lot in her life, like “You’re chubby or you eat too much.” Soooo girls like me have a shot with a hunky, beefy guy like Sean? Sean: “You’re are smokin’ hot. I’m the lucky one.” Aww, so sweet! Now take off your shirt!

Catherine: “Sean has continually made me comfortable and feel safe to be completely myself and exploring anything with him… like our sexuality. When I look in Sean’s eyes, something visceral happens… in my loins.”

Then something really strange happened! They went back to the mansion in L.A. where Chris Harrison appeared to have something important to tell us. Nope! He duped us with a sneak peek of Oz: The Great and Powerful. Sneaky, sneaky, Mr. Harrison!

The next day, a half-naked Sean says he knows who he has to send home and he is dreading it. Before he drops the guillotine, he sits down with Dr. Chris, who reminds him that this was the week Sean went home on Emily’s season. Chris asks Sean if he can see his wife there, and when Sean says yes, Chris looks like he’s been blown away by the most confounding idea. That or maybe he actually believes the hype that Sean’s proposal will make it to the altar.

Sean: “It’s mind-blowing to even think about this… I actually get to have sex again.”

Chris leaves Sean with the very personal video messages, and as one tweeter says, “time for Sean to consult the pictures.” As the first message rolls, another tweeter says “I’m waiting for Sean to be all like, ‘We’re in Thailand so Phuket, ROSES FOR EVERYONE.’”

Lindsay, in her baby-talk voice, says “I met you in a wedding dress, and maybe soon I’ll be wearing one again for you.” From baby talk to baby doll, Catherine calls Sean a “mega-hunk” and says he gives her “the wiggles”. That sounds racist. Lastly, AssLee starts talking about her wall and her obsession with Sean, and then the tears start flowing. Video message I can’t believe no one edited this out. They can edit Arie’s flubs last season, but not her emotional breakdown. As this last video finishes, Sean’s thinking, “Oh great, I have to send the basket case home after that.”

Sean equates the rain to AssLee’s tears. I find it funny how he and she are wearing the same color—burgundy. The only difference is AssLee’s chesticles are boldly on display. It even looks like she cut a slit in her dress to reveal more cleavage.

Before he hands out the roses, Lindsay says Fuck, Shit, or Cunt. It had to be one of those! No worries, though, because she got the first rose. From there, it became the longest rose ceremony ever. Sean stood their holding the final rose for what seemed like forever.

Sean 2

Cut to Catherine: “Is it me? Pick me. Is it me? I don’t know.”

Cut to AssLee: “It has to be me. I’m praying to Jesus. I don’t know. Is it me?”

Sean picks up the rose. Both women are like “Pick me, pick me, pick me…”

Cut to Sean: “Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God…”

Cut to Catherine: “Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God…” Catherine

Cut to rose: “Oh God, just pick one already!”

the rose

Cut to AssLee: “It better be me, it better be me, it better be me…”

AshLee

Cut to Sean: “I guess I should say something, but nothing’s happening…”

Cut to Catherine: “It’s not me, it’s not me, it’s not me. Why didn’t I blow him?”

Sean: “And now I bow my head in prayer and hope to God she doesn’t cut off my manhood!”

And the final rose goes to Catherine, leaving AssLee glaring at Sean. They walk out, while the other women are confused that she didn’t say goodbye. Lindsay and Catherine Lindsay: “She’s pissed.” Well, in that moment, I can’t imagine you care about the future wife of the man who just broke up with you.

AssLee tells Sean to “just stay here.” He wants to explain himself, and she hears him out with the look that sank a thousand ships. Stone-cold bitch! Stone-cold bitch She hops in the car, seemingly unfazed. As the car drives away, I’m thinking, really, you can cry through every episode but then you can’t shed a tear when he dumps your ass. My sister said that’s because she’s a happy crier, but eventually the tears came and she shied away from the camera.

AssLee: “It’s hard saying goodbye to Sean because I let him in…to my vagina.” Ok, ok, ok… maybe not there, but he certainly couldn’t handle all of her emotion, so he sent her somewhere she could deal with them—The Women Tell All. See you next week for what is sure to be a Tierrable talkathon.

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Playboys need love, too

Posted by emzkbd on February 19, 2013

This week, Sean visited the final four’s hometowns and asked each girl’s father (and one’s mother) for their marriage blessing. I really think a sex tiebreaker would have made this week’s elimination a whole lot simpler, but apparently this Bachelor has “values”—whatever those are. I sure wouldn’t want my picture splashed across tabloid covers with the headline “Born-Again Virgin”—not even with the byline “Vaginal Rejuvenation Success Stories”.

The first hometown date wasn’t that far of a jog for Sean, who lives in Dallas. AssLee lives in Houston with her terrier Bailey. I hate that name unless it’s served on the rocks.

AssLee thinks she’s found true love. “What if he says, ‘You’re amazing, but you’re not the one!’” Then you go to counseling. Am I right?

This date is boring like all of their dates. AssLee: “God, you amaze me everytime!” Sean: “{doofy laugh} Hahaha, stop, I’m not God, but I can make you say his name.” AssLee: “You’re so handsome. I love looking at you.” Lots of closed-mouth kissing ensues, and AssLee cheers “YAY!” Nothing turns my vagina off faster than a close-mouth kiss.

AssLee and Sean arrive at her parent’s house, and she says she’s been dreaming about this day since she was 4 or 5 years old. I’m sure this was taken out of context because “meet the parents” isn’t exactly the make-believe game you play. I was more about dressing up in my mom’s lingerie and marrying my sister. See how things can get taken out of context?!

They sit down to eat in AssLee’s parent’s backyard… probably because of all the crucifixes, rosary beads or statues of Mary. AssLee’s dad wants to know every detail about their journey—where they’ve been, what they’ve seen, how close Sean’s peen came to AssLee’s hotbox. AssLee recalls the Polar Bear Plunge—with tears in her eyes—because it was really that cold… or because she was ready to marry Sean come hell or ice water.

Then she proceeds to tell them about their “romance” in St. Croix. AssLee: “We had fun in the sand, mama, you know, like they did in Grease. We rolled around in the sand, and I felt his man parts against my lady bits. That was really fun… and then I told him I loved him. He didn’t say anything because he’s contractually obligated.”

AssLee’s mom wants to reiterate the sense of abandonment AssLee experienced as an orphan. Basically Sean should be careful because sometimes she wanders off wearing a blindfold and awakes with no sense of who she is and how she got there.

From there, Sean sits down with her dad and tells him he’s “crazy about his daughter.” Then the crazy talk turns to AssLee’s underage marriage, and the lesson learned is you have to let your children make their own mistakes. Tear! Sean says he’s seen AssLee’s “core” and asks for her father’s permission to plunge his drill into it. He agrees. One down, four to go.

AssLee’s dad recalls the story of when he met AssLee, in one of the most heartfelt moments of the series. “Whatever man takes her for the rest of her life is gonna have to fall in love with her like that.” Then again, pedophilia—not so much! AssLee says she cries every time her dad shares that, which makes me wonder how many times she’s found “true love”. In true ABC Disney fairy tale fashion, AssLee says the day was magical, and there’s pixie dust everywhere. Well bibbity-bobbity-boo! My fairy godmother would be jealous.

The next hometown visits takes Sean to Seattle, where he finds Catherine in a busy marketplace. They make a wish on a pig—not sure if it was supposed to buck or vibrate, but it appears they stuck him with some coins. People are staring. What? You’ve never seen two people ride a ham?

They pass through Pike Place where they toss fish. Catherine drops hers because it’s “slippery”. Slippage can ruin relationships, Catherine. She says she loves the way Sean smells—like fish. She also loves his big, beefy arms and hopes he’s got the meaty sausage to match. Sean says Catherine brings out the kid in him.

Lots of squealing occurs when they enter Catherine’s house. Sean puts on an apron and flirts with her Grandma Graham Cracker, but for Catherine, the reception isn’t as welcoming. Her sisters are very critical of her choices because they feel like Catherine has to convince them to support her relationship. Catherine: “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t really care about this guy.” Yeah, I could see Tierra saying the same thing. Catherine’s sisters proceed to bash her former relationship dynamic. “Every guy that she’s dated has been real easy… she needs to be called out on her whorishness… she’s dirty… needs someone who can handle her mood swings.”

Catherine’s mom: “Will it work out? I don’t know. I don’t want my daughter to get hurt. You don’t want to lead her on because we don’t want that. So I think it’s best if you take your womanizing ways and pick the next girl.” Needless to say, Sean didn’t get her blessing even though he thinks “the world” of her daughter.

Next up, Sean goes to visit his army brat’s family in Missouri. This 24 year old possesses all the qualities Sean wants in a wife—ditzy voice, drunkenness, immaturity. She brings out the kid in him, just like Catherine does. Clearly, Sean doesn’t really want to grow up, which doesn’t bode well for his marriage proposal.

Lindsay and Sean bop around her small town and enjoy some cake smashing at a cupcake shop. Lindsay tells Sean to address her dad like “Hey, dude!” Then she makes him drop and give her twenty. “Don’t give me sass boi… kiss me harder… bend me over this bench… about face {smacks his ass}!”

Sean: “Lindsay’s dad is a big deal… like Ron Burgundy!” Good thing you got in a few pushups and crunches. “Part of Lindsay’s dad’s job is making men—with his stern General sperm—and hopefully he sees that I am a man, and not a sissy little girl who wears salmon-colored pants.”

Lindsay looks exactly like her mother, and her brother looks like he takes after her dad and Frankenstein. They tell her parents about Lindsay’s entrance in a wedding dress. Lindsay’s mom thinks it’s hysterical, while her dad thinks he’s about to be demoted. Lindsay’s mom says Lindsay “looks content… she looks at peace.” What is she, a corpse? Are they anticipating a wedding or a funeral?

Sean tells her mom that he’s not ready to commit to love… or anyone… because he’s The Bachelor and none of them commit. Sean is smitten with her mom, and it appears she is about ready to pounce on him. “Who you are is fantastic!” Yep, I’m sure she pinched his tushie on the way out.

Finally, Sean gets to “the talk” with the two-star General. Sean’s “crazy about your daughter”, sir. If someone were crazy about me, I’d ask if they were on medication. Lindsay’s dad ponders giving a blessing. He’s never been asked a “tougher question.” He tells Sean he “has to have the authority to make the decision”, so he gives his blessing but says he’ll take it back if Lindsay says no. Well duh!

Before he leaves, the General gives him dog tags, and everyone wants to hug Sean, including her doofy brother, who eagerly waited in line for a bear hug.

In a totally different world, Sean makes his last stop in L.A. where Dez lives. She greets him with the running approach and leaps into his arms to wrap her legs around him. Barf! Dez tells him she doesn’t want to miss him, but she tells us she wants to make out. After they freshen up from their super sweaty hike, they go back to her house. Someone else besides Sean was planning to make a visit, and Sean is confused, especially when this stranger says he loves Dez. “Whoooooaaaa!” Sean thinks he needs to leave, but I’m like, No, stay! I like Alpha-male Sean. Fight, fight, fight! “Don’t put your hands on me!” No, put your hands on meeeee, Sean! I love how all of America was convinced it was her ex when I’ve known since before the season started that this was a hoax.

Dez can definitely give one—a joke, not a BJ. Then the scary woman from The Blair Witch Project arrives—or at least that’s how I would have pictured her. Dez: “My mom’s so cute.” Really? She kinda freaks me out. Sean and Dez proceed to repeat (not finish) each other’s sentences.

Dez’s brother has words of wisdom. “A lot of guys could make you happy… that’s not what it’s about though… I’m thinking this is not going to work… This is like stupid, almost, like me.” Har har har! Mr. Debonair asks to talk with Sean.

Things get tense because Mr. Know-it-all wants Sean to admit he’s a fraud. Sean is praying for answers to this question, so he starts rambling about giving affection to Dez. Sean: “Does that put your mind at ease?” Doofus: “Aw no, I think you just a playboy… having fun with the circumstances.” Sean: “That’s not me… that’s Chris Harrison.” Dumbo: “No, I’m not buying it.”

Sean wanted to tell Dickwad off, but he didn’t want to make a scene. Then her parents started talking about the weather and how it’s raining Douche-nozzles. Once Sean leaves, Dingleberry admits he called Sean a playboy, which sends Dez off the handle. Dipshit: “He is not the one!” Oh, the number of times I’ve heard that from family members.

Finally, an hour and 37 minutes into the episode, Sean is half naked in his closet. He can picture his life with Lindsay and AssLee, but he’s unsure about Dez and her crazy brother and Catherine, a.k.a. Miss Independent. So he does what any normal guy dating four women would do, he talks to his therapist—Chris Harrison. Sean: “Nope, no clarity this week, Chris! I have no idea who I’m sending home.” Chris: “Are all four women literally on the chopping block?” What is this Survivor now? You gonna snuff their torches, too, Chris?

Sean is afraid he’ll make the wrong choice—like Jason Mesnick. Think of the positive, Sean—at least you can still marry and impregnate your runner-up! Before he hands out any roses, Dez interrupts and asks him to step outside to apologize for her dirtbag brother’s behavior. Meanwhile, Catherine is having a meltdown. “Should I have pulled him aside and offered him a handie?” The sure-things get their roses, but before he gives out the final rose he sets it back down. Even though I knew the ending, it still startled me to think he would ask for another rose… or run away with dong tucked between his legs.

Dr. Harrison returns and offers this advice: “Get this right!” Hahahaha! Don’t eff up, Seanie! Otherwise, you’ll be the laughing-stock of reality TV, right behind Jessie Palmer forgetting that chick’s name. In the end, though, Sean sends Dez home, after having reassured her that his feelings for her have nothing to do with her brother. That’s the best—“It’s not you; it’s your brother.”

Sean tells her that he’s been battling this all day like a cancerous tumor. Dez tells him he’s making a huge mistake—not 99.9%, but 100%. Sean even admits, “It might be.” Although if it makes her the Bachelorette, then I’m sure she’ll get over it. I feel like I’m watching my breakup all over again. “Don’t let me go… it’s not right… I don’t know what I’m going to do about my life… all I want to do is make someone happy… like, that is all I want to do.” As my sister said, “Get some goals, girl!”

Until next week… I hope you all enjoyed Sean’s shower scene on “Sean Tells All” this evening! I know I did!! Queue a cold shower!

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Hey Romeo, get the eff out!

Posted by emzkbd on June 12, 2012

We arrive in London, where Emily shows off her brand new American Girl Doll… oh wait, that’s Ricki!

Chris greets the remaining bachelors: “One of you guys could be Emily’s husband, but when she dumps your ass, you could be the next Bachelor because that’s how we pick ‘em now—used and abused.” More on that later!

Ryan thinks London is one of the most romantic cities. Yeah, screw the Eiffel Tower! I’ll take a make-out sesh under Big Ben any day. What can I say? I like ‘em thick with the ability to go from six to midnight.

With ten dudes left, it means more cock fights. Finally, this week a dude can count! Arie points out that five guys haven’t had one-on-one dates yet, but Alejandro still believes he’s the ONLY one who hasn’t. No dude, you’re the only man of a different ethnicity left. That might have worked for you on your college application, but I’m guessing not on the reality dating scene. Too bad that lawsuit didn’t work out for those black guys who wanted to be bachelors or you could have been part of a class action.

Sean gets the first one-on-one date of the night, and he’s basically oozes schmooze. Needless to say the guys are intimidated. Jef is worried about their chemistry, but Christian “Greasy” Grey over there is worried about not having “the Kalon control” over the situation.

Emily meets Sean in the park in Trench Coat #1—a tan color with dark trim accompanied by leather gloves. She has an exciting adventure plan—a jolly ol’ ride on a double decker bus. Little does Sean know that Emily has already enjoyed this excursion with her mini-me, although she does applaud his doofy “King of the World” attempt during which he almost tumbles over the side. Wouldn’t that have been a shocking end to the Jack and Rose’s love story?!

The two continue their London sight-seeing, and Emily is clearly destined to be a tour guide. I wonder if a producer is holding up queue cards with those fun facts of the city. I felt like I was watching The History Channel. That and didn’t her momma ever tell her to wear comfortable shoes in situations like that? Oh well, I guess she has “Big Muscles” to carry her around and flash her undercarriage to real tourists.

Back at the hotel, the men are whining about group dates, and Kalon makes a realistic point—any date with Emily is a group date because of Ricki. Valid point, good sir! I don’t know why Not Another Teen Movie and Indy 500 are so shocked. I can only imagine that Kalon was the third wheel and witnessed a lot his mother’s sexing.

Parkside, Sean wants Emily to know that he is naturally selective… and I would naturally select to mate with him. The two stumble across speaker’s circle, and the first thing that comes across Sean’s mind is to embarrass the fooze-nooze out of Emily by preaching about love. He admits he hasn’t found it yet, and the passersby begin disperse out of boredom. Sean says he’s with a beautiful woman, but nobody knows who she is. Sean also says he’s hopeful to find love, which makes Emily soak her undies. I can one-up you honey—every time I LOOK at Sean I cream my panties.

Later, Emily can’t take the sexual tension, so she abducts Sean to be her sex slave… err, prisoner of love, whatever. Some British jibber-jabberer escorts them to their feast in the Tower of London. While it looks romantic, it’s not-so-much-so when Sean finds out Emily plans to chop his head off. Oh no, just another history lesson!

Emily is expecting a whopper, but I think they have some sort of chicken. But honestly, she thinks Sean has some skeletons, but he doesn’t have any bombs to drop on Emily, although I wish he’d drop some bombs in my vagina… the orgasmic kind!

“A rose by any other name would smell as sweet”… and so do my panties, Sean! WINK! Unfortunately for our macho dumbasses, it takes them awhile to figure out what the phrase on the date card means. It’s Shakespeare, and Kalon thinks it smells like shit.

The next conversation with Emily and Sean starts “As you now, I have a six year old daughter” followed by “I do know.” Really, I could have sworn it was an American Doll that she just liked to tote around. Maybe thought she could find some sweet little doll clothes in London!

Emily tells Sean she wants more kids ASAP, and she practically rubs out a sperm sample to be frozen with her last dozen eggs. Sean confesses that being around Emily fills him with a penis… or happiness. But I’d rather be filled with his penis. On the roof, Sean gets points for not asking for permission to kiss her again. I mean, he’s only asked like every previous time.

On the group date, Emily greets the men at Stratford Upon Avon in Trench Coat #2—a thick, light gray number. The men have no idea that they’re about to perform Shakespeare in the park. Emily has been gradually losing her voice throughout the episode, probably from all those blow jays she gave Sean in the Tower of London.

Emily has brought three Shakespearean experts to prep the men for their performance. At this point, I’m hoping to see Leo, Claire and Gwynnie bust out in costume and character, but instead we have three less appealing coaches.

Arie shits his pants, while Kalon can’t be more constipated. All of the other guys have fun with it… clearly having experience with role-play. Kalon recognizes Ryan as stiff competition; of course, it was because he was sporting some rock-hard wood for his make-out scene with Emily.

Obviously, Kalon is digging his own grave, telling Emily to “run along.” If someone talked to my child like that, I’d pull off my earrings, and then I’d rip off his limbs and beat him with them. Oh wait, that comes later! I think Emily got it wrong when she pigeonholed Kalon as a Broadway star… I mean, I don’t think he’s gay, just mean.

The men get suited up, and Nurse Arie and Dame Doug show off their feminine side. John says Emily is the most beautiful Juliet he’s even seen, except that she’s wearing a milkmaid costume.

Kalon looked like he’s about to have a hernia, Doug turned on John with his soft, wet smooch, and Travis stole the show with his sword-fighting. No joke. Just real men. Fighting with their swords. Stabbin’ away. Penetrating with their sharp points. Plunging their blades deep into their enemy.

Now let’s talk about that audience. At first I thought they were poor people, but then I realized they were actual townspeople that must have received payment for their presence. What is it with British people? Middle America gets a bad rep for inbreeding, but it shows on the Brits’ faces—billboard foreheads, caveman teeth, and that doofy look in their eyes like they just shtuped their cousin.

Intermission: Have you heard? Roberto is slated to be the next Bachelor. Discuss.

Next up, Ryan plants one on Emily and then comically steals another. It goes without saying that all the guys were totes jealous. Hey, it’s not like he slipped her his peen, but that could have been later in Cox’s Yard. Kinda surprised that ABC let Emily take her all-male posse to a cock yard.

Here, Emily lets Arie play dentist and check her molars. Then Ryan presents her with a turquoise necklace, to which Emily loses her shit and swoons with delight. Guess some girls really are suckers for jewelry! What she doesn’t know is that Ryan is an avid supporter of the “Every Kiss Begins with Kay” campaign. Definitely not the first time he’s had a little something in his pocket for her.

Now’s where it gets good! Kalon is whimpering about how he has to spend time with a sick, nursing mother when he would rather be the one sucking on that teet. Well dem guys think dem’s fightin’ words! They rally, and Deputy Doug hits the roof and confronts Kalon, who stands by his assessment. No language barrier here! Just a straight up douche-nozzle!

And because he craves more applause for his heroism, Deputy Doug rides up to Miss Emily and divulges the whole nasty tale, to which Emily has a heart attack followed by a Tourette’s outburst—West Virginia hood-rat backwoods style. Deputy Doug and Miss Emily put Outlaw Kalon on the spot in front of the rest of the gunslingers.

Miss Emily gives it to him good: “Let me talk! I love to hear you talk, but not until I’m done. I got that line from you… Now get the fuck out!” I think Kalon peed a little out of fear. Hell, even I shit my pants after watching this, as my friends can attest.

When it comes to a reality TV bitch slap, she really let him have it, but it’s the fallout that was a cheap shot. Emily took the pouting and witchhunt a little over-the-top. Sorry Deputy Doug, no reward handy for your standup heroics. In fact, Emily completely forgets that you had her back when you brought this nonsense to her attention. And Emily, come on, if you didn’t have baggage, you’d be flying with a carry-on and co-chairing the mile-high club with Britney Spears, but no, you both have baggage. Fortunately, there are guys like Sean who will willingly push your luggage cart through the airport.

After that fiasco, Emily wanders the streets like a two-bit hooker, only to return to tell the guys she can’t hand out the rose because they were secretly conspiring to bring Kalon to the final two. Like in Survivor, everyone knows you bring the most hated player to the end because he won’t get any votes… or roses. I guess Bachelor Ben doesn’t take tips from other reality shows.

The next day Emily lets Ricki latch on to the teet that Kalon wanted. Sometimes it seems like Ricki has special needs.

Emily: What is your favorite thing that you’ve seen so far?

Ricki: The Brickingham Palace.

Emily: The Buckingham Palace?

Ricki: The Brickingham Palace.

Emily: Well, aren’t you a smart one. Who lives there?

Ricki: The king and the dragon.

Emily: No, the Queen lives there, goose.

Ricki: And the dragon.

Emily: I think it’s time to take your meds, platypus.

The final date of the evening belongs to Jef. Emily arrives in Trench Coat #3—a stark white ensemble with a pink scarf belt. The two delight in an afternoon of tea with Jean, the English crumpet Nazi… err teacher. Jef is boss of the tea, and Jean is boss of his peen: “Just lift it up a little bit in case it pops over the top… and the spout should go toward the person that’s the host. Clearly Jef has a raging boner for you Miss Emily, although with my presence I’m sure it’s more like a floner, a.k.a. floppy boner… so Emily, turn it round, back that ass up for Jeffy boy.”

Jef is pleased with how “thorough” Jean is but would prefer a little space, especially after her next comment. “You put the jam on… really give it to her in the ass. I call this move ‘The Strawberry Jam’.”

Jean: “If I decide to go to the loo, please don’t give her a slap and tickle without me standing by to watch.”

Jef: “Well, I’d like to set her on the corner of the table.”
Jean: “No… on the seat. Right, I’ll leave you two to practice the British version of reverse cowgirl—‘the milkmaid cometh’. Carry on, you two.” (Jean exits.)

Emily: “I want to try a move called ‘Peanut Butter & Jelly with the Crust,’ and then I wanna stick your cake in my pocketbook. Peace, Jean.”

They proceed, sans Jean, to a pub without cocks in the yard, where Jef confesses he, too, didn’t have her back. This time, Emily takes it easy on him. Maybe it was the suave comment about the Chloe handbag, which I didn’t know is actually a designer handbag. Jef, are you sure you’re not a closet flamer? You’re straight friends clearly haven’t been able to talk you outta that hairstyle, but evidently it’s a turn-on for Emily.

Their next stop is the London Eye for dessert, which seemingly goes uneaten. I was ready to lunge through the television and dig in. Jef asks Emily where she sees herself in a year, and she does not hesitate to say “HOOKED UP.” Jef proceeds to take a page from Sean and lays it on thick, kissing her ass… and Jean wasn’t even there to critique him.

Emily asks Jef if he’s prepared to have Emily and Ricki move cross-country to Salt Lake City, to which I scoff. No way, she’s moving her ass anywhere. She didn’t do it for Brad, and she’s not gonna do it for one of these schmo’s. Mark my words. Of course, Jef gives the most homosexual response: “Dance parties every night!” Riiiiiight. If he’s not gay, he should definitely be a suspect on To Catch a Predator. Just sayin’…

Somehow, Jef’s honesty earns him a rose, and he nearly blows his chance at a first kiss. Rather than ask for it, he takes it, like a man, and gives Arie a run for his dental services.

During the cocktail party, the guys are reeling from Kalon’s departure and John’s decision to wear red pants. Emily grills the guys, and they squirm like babies with dirty diapers. Ryan, though, tries to woo her one last time with another Romeo rendition, and Emily falls hook, line and sinker.

At the rose ceremony, Emily only has to send one guy home, and Lady Gaga would be disappointed. Poor Ale, Alejandro, the psychedelic mushroom farmer is sent packin’. He had about two minutes of airtime in the whole episode, so again, not a big surprise. I’m sure he’ll find his Princess Peach under a toadstool.

Next week is basically every girl’s wet dream come true. I mean, every time I hear that phrase, I think, it would be perfect if we were dry-humping in Croatia. And to make it even more marvelous, Emily has another meltdown and runs into the arms of Chris Harrison… naturally. He’s just so big and strong, and he poops rainbows. What more could a girl want? Stay tuned for more re-caps. And if you really want to laugh your bum off, check out the parody of The BachelorBurning Love.

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And how do you stop an evil dictator?

Posted by emzkbd on January 24, 2012

“You cut off her resources.  Courtney Robertson would be nothing without her high status man candy [Ben Flajnik], her tight physique [hot body], and her loyal band of followers [army of skanks].”

Last night’s Mean Girls episode flew us to the Canyons Resort in Park City, Utah, where I coincidentally have some history. While it may be the first (and only) place C Rob has ever caught a fish, it’s the first (and only) place I’ve ever ridden on a stretcher AND in an ambulance. Take it from me, Bachelorettes, if you’re trying to impress a guy, don’t end up on your back!

 

On their first day there, Chris “He’s too gay to function” Harrison brings the ladies some sound advice: “Don’t sit around and talk about the weather!” Right, Karen Casey? “It’s like I have ESPN or something! My breasts can always tell when it’s raining.”

Meanwhile Kacie B.’s caught up in her own tearful downpour because when she found out Rachel got the first one-on-one date she wanted to throw up. Well, so did I, but that’s because of Rachel’s 80 year old smoker’s lung and her leering snaggletooth.

As she departs on her date, hill-billy Lindzi’s acts like she’s never seen a helicopter. Hey, just because she’s a redneck, doesn’t mean she’s ignorant. “On the third day, God created the Remington bull action rifle, so that man could fight the dinosaurs…and the homosexuals.” Lookout Monica!

On to the best date of the season, we hear crickets… literally! Aside from a few declarations of “This is so romantic,” this date looked more uncomfortable than super jumbo tampons in a wide-set vagina. Another uncomfortable conversation, Monica and Kacie B. discussing how “hard” it is. I could only assume they were talking about Big Ben’s peen, naturally. I counted four hard’s and one rougher. Who knew Kacie B. could talk dirty?

The rest of Ben and Rachel’s bad date made me cringe. Stop foreshadowing your relationship! We know it’s not going anywhere! And you don’t have to talk about your flaws because Ben can see/hear them whenever you open your mouth.

When news of the group date arrived, our resident Mean Girl Courtney had plenty to say: “I’m only eating foods with less than 30 percent calories from fat.” So we know she was ready to take on the other girls. “Is butter a carb?”

While Ben nearly topples off his horsey, Redneck Lindzi is sproutin’ some lady wood for the man in the saddle. Personally I think a man who chooses to ride another animal is one pony shy of bestiality. Speaking of animal cruelty, Courtney is set on catching a fish, or as she puts it “catching Ben.” She sure reeled that one in, just like Kristin Cavallari did, baiting her vagina for Jay Cutler’s spermination. Just let ‘em swim upstream, Court! Oldest way to catch trap a man is getting preggo, but on this particular show I’d advise against it: “Don’t have sex, because you will get pregnant and die! Don’t have sex in the missionary position, don’t have sex standing up, just don’t do it, promise? Ok, everybody take some rubbers.” Same goes for next week’s skinny-dipping fiasco: “I know you’ll want to take off your clothes and touch each other, but if you do touch each other, you will get chlamydia… and die.”

Courtney proceeds to alienate Ben from the rest of the girls by making it her own one-on-one. “I have this theory, that if you cut off all her hair she’d look like a British man,” but back at the resort, the rest of the women are speculating that Courtney is a “life-ruiner.” Well of course she ruins people’s lives. Look what she did to Jesse Metcalfe! He can’t find a job if he paid for it… wait, is that how they met?

But alas, Ben is twitterpated, just like Thumper.  Not even Redneck Lindzi, fishing with her bare teeth, could distract him from pro-fisherwomen Courtney Bobber-tson. Once again, the bachelorette who really wanted the group date rose called dibs and came out thorn free, but before we get there, Ben is wowed by Karen Casey S. “Well you have your cousins, then you have your first cousins, then you have your second cousins…” Then you have an airhead boring us completely.

Perhaps the most scandalous event of the night was when Ben sat down with Samantha, who practically begged for more time with him when really she was on the rebound from her lascivious affair with a married producer. “That’s why her hair’s so big—it’s full of secrets!”

Apparently there was no sexin’, but I’m sure the show wanted to protect its own from a scandal akin to Rozlyn’s during Jake Pavelka’s season. It’s my belief we missed something, and apparently so did the rest of the girls, who seemed oblivious to what was really happening during Amanda’s unexpected departure. “I gave him everything! I was only half a virgin when I met him!” The world may never know.

One thing we do know: Ben’s in trouble with Kacie B. He said it himself—he might end up with her. But Queen B. Courtney will do everything she can to squash any other romances, including stealing that rose out from under you.  “I know how this would be handled in the animal world, but this [is] girl world, and in girl world all the fighting [has] to be sneaky.”

For the final date, Ben plans to do away with his stalker Jennifer once and for all by dropping her down a crater in the middle of nowhere. Oh, she survived the fall? Moving on… the women still can’t believe that Courtney got the rose, but sheer manipulation is a tough competitor. “You might think you like someone but… you could be wrong.” She will find a way to outwit, outplay and outlast the other women, even if it doesn’t mean a million dollar prize and the title of sole Survivor. You can tell this one wants her 15 minutes of fame.

Since Ben and Jen’s date is stillll not over, oh, there was a monsoon? Guess you can talk about the weather now, huh? Too bad, because everyone else is talking about Regina George Courtney. “One time, [she] punched me in the face shaved off my eyebrow. It was awesome.” But one person has had enough—Emily, a.k.a. home-schooled jungle freak, a.k.a. totally inaccurate portrayal of a sweet epidemiologist who goes rogue.

Unfortunately for her, Emily’s courageous act of honesty will inevitably backfire as it has with so many contestants before her who feel it is their duty to caution the Bachelor/ette. While these efforts seem valiant, it is hard not to mistake you as a rat, even though it may be the truth. The Bachelor/ette is blinded by love and may never recover, unless true love prevails.

Emily’s first mistake was confiding in Courtney’s BFF Casey, who will obviously stick up for her homegirl: “I know she’s kind of socially retarded and weird, but she’s my friend so just promise me you won’t make fun of her!” Casey definitely falls in line in the army of skanks because she immediately runs back to report to Court. “Boo, you whore!”

Once Courtney hears what Emily had to say, she flips the bitch switch. Oh sure, America will totally buy that you’re a nice person after this tirade: “I almost want to rip her head off and verbally assault her//I don’t start fights, I finish them//If you cross me… you should watch yourself.”  I can almost hear Emily responding: “That’s the problem with you Plastics—you think that everyone is in love with you when actually everybody hates you!”

I’m totally over Courtney’s obsession with “winning.” If you live it so much, you might as well apply to be one of Charlie Sheen’s bimbo goddesses. Sinning! I also think it was fair to say Courtney and Emily were acting like fifth graders mean girls, but I think Courtney’s exit with “I got a rose, you don’t” should have been followed with a taunting “na na na na na na!”

Time for the rose ceremony. Chris, you’ve totally out-gayed yourself yet again! Ben, you’re almost as handsome as Prince Eric, no, Jennifer is not Ariel, but Ursula has certainly disguised herself well as Vanessa Courtney, so find your Little Mermaid and let’s break this spell!

As we get another step closer, Ben ditches Monica, probably because she has a big lesbian crush on Blakeley, and tells the remaining women that they’re off to Puerto Rico. Courtney chimes in that she was just there. Well girly, you can certainly stay behind. I’m sure Jesse Metcalfe needs another D-List celebrity at his engagement party. Oh yeah, and I can toast lower! Boom!

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Hurricane Irene or Monsoon Melissa? You decide…

Posted by emzkbd on August 30, 2011

A not so monotonous Monday on the Bachelor Pad, where thousands of viewers awaited the fallout from Jake’s takeout. He opened his mouth, and then… nothing. Crickets could be counted in the courtyard. So Jake, did you rehearse those exit lines with your agent, who presumably negotiated the number of shows in which you would appear? I expected some hand chopping, or at least one “Stop interrupting me!” while he delivered a severe tongue lashing toward Kasey and Vienna. I can only imagine these two rolling their eyes at Jake’s disingenuous attempt to make amends… for the fiftieth time this season.

On to the main event: the second annual AIDS Awareness convention… I mean, kissing contest! YAY!!  Vienna: “I
think it’s disgusting.” Well you would because you’re used to kissing girls, aren’t you, you dirty whore?!

There are mixed emotions running through the group. Obviously nobody wants to kiss any one in a dynamic duo for fear that someone will get a beat down. Really, guys? This is a contest, not a schoolyard stakeout to steal your crush. Michelle even decides to pull out of the competition for the sake of her daughter. Well, in that case, she should have thought about the pull out
method a long time ago.

Meanwhile, Blake is standing there like he’s hiding a raging boner because he gets to show everyone his mack daddy skills. He had that creepy “I’m gonna do your mom” look on his face the whole time. And I guess he was right, because he sure brought the heat to momma Ella’s luscious lips… or was that Kirk. I get the two confused physically. Emotionally, I have no trouble identifying
a sleaze-ball!

On the flipside, or the lock-lip-side as I call it, Ella sure went to town. She must’ve taken some tips from Dr. Blake on how to drill deep… almost found their stomachs I think. With all that face sucking, I can only imagine how her blow jobs turn out! As an aside, I enjoyed the end clip, sans The Mask, where the girls were all trying to see if Ella’s kiss was worth the rose. Maybe if Ella kissed a girl, she’d like it. My favorite part, though, was Kasey’s bad breath… undoubtedly due to munching on Vienna’s musky rug.

Needless to say, it’s no surprise that Blake and Ella win this one. Both went in for the kill… unlike William, who increasingly reminds me of a teenage boy who’s never been laid. Maybe that’s his problem… he’s the Jason Biggs of this generation. Remember when he was cute and obnoxious… prior to the Ashley roast? Oh man, he’s never gonna live that down. Maybe he should hump a pie and move on with his life.

When things settle down, drama can sail back in. Forget Hurricane Irene! Monsoon Melissa is bringing the wind and rain! At this point, I’m completely sold on the “Blake leading Melissa on” storyline. She claims they’re always making out, and she seems pretty set on their alliance. Blake also throws her a sexy, suave “How you doin?” every so often to keep her in check. Personally, I think there’s a new snake in town, and it’s hanging out between Blake’s legs.

But before Mount St. Helen’s can blow her top (oh Blake, you’re so clever, I’m surprised you’re not a literary genius), we must be bored to death. Ella picks Kirk for the romantic one-on-one date… where I believe Ashley and JP connected post-Bentley. As my sister said it, Kirk and Ella—two people that should win, but they’re not going to… dun dun dun! I mean come on, did you not
watch season one? The ones who whore it up the most always win… so long as they’re compatible. Just kidding! I don’t know who wins yet, but I should find out in the next week.

Cut to things that are more exciting—like Erika making a move on Blake. If this one didn’t look so much like a hippopotamus, I’d swear she was a vulture! Who’s it gonna be next week? Oh, that’s odd, she plans to seduce Blake. Won’t happen though because he’s too smitten with Holly.  And did I hear her say she’s in law school? Wait, I’ve seen this one before. Legally Blonde, right?

It seems like everyone wants that rose from Blake, except Vienna who somehow made it out of this week’s storyline (thankgod), or Ella who already made out with Blake’s twin brother Kirk, or Michelle who is probably waiting for him to die, or Holly who, let’s face it, doesn’t know what she wants. When he picks her, it’s no shock to us, the viewers, but Melissa has a bout of Tourette’s
and calls his ass out. Then she grabs her BFF Michelle and runs away from the playground to whine about why boys are such a pain. But Michelle, god love her, she hasn’t completely lost her touch from Womack’s season. When your BFF can’t
even keep it together on national TV, you know there’s something there. “She wears her emotions on her hair tie… and her panties.” PANTIES, Krystal, PANTIES… they DO exist!

Melissa’s temper-tantrum brings me back to fifth grade… “BUT HE PINKY SWORE!!” What a prick! How dare he break a pinky promise! I swore Melissa was gonna miraculously churn that yogurt into butter. If they gave Emmy’s for a
reality TV performance or editing of a character, as those of us who know better like to call it, then Melissa would win, hands down. The cameramen men were following her like a mad game of Halo. This chick should have been looking for
Bin Laden. God knows she would have found him first! Lo and behold though she does find Blake; his 40 seconds of toothbrush time were superb. I just wished they’d shown what happened. Did he spit or swallow?

Onward to the Blake and Holly flirt fest, first in the limo, then the private plane, then a secluded mountain top, and finally a cozy cabin in the woods. Blake the Snake makes Mike’s heart ache. {Insert sad face} I swear that’s what Michael said. Hard to watch though, knowing that he was probably sitting at home watching tonight’s episode, crying like a woman mid-menstruation. On the upside, he got to see Holly eat shit, even if she did it with such grace! Me? I look like a drunken polar bear rolling down a hill.

By the end of this date, I thought I was watching True Blood—Eric making the moves on Sooki, while Bill pines for his mortal love in his mansion…
shirtless, in front of a majestic fireplace of course. But sexy time is interrupted by Melissa, voice of reason: “Mike, are you devastated because I’m devastated? We two should devastate them when they get back.”

Well Michael decided to take a different approach. Total rom-com moment where he’s frantically rushing to meet her when she gets back and then confess his undying love for her. Dude, if a guy pours his heart out like that to me, I would likely be putty in his hand. Instead, Holly pretty much brushes him off, gives him the ol’ heave ho.

It’s funny because Michael and Holly seem like they would be the idyllic couple, and everyone is rooting for them, including the hopeless romantic inside of me. But that’s what it is… hopeless! There is so much baggage there that it deserves a one way ticket to shitsville, never to revisit again. Better if both go their separate ways so that Michael can find a nice wholesome girl… just a sec, I need to call my boyfriend and inform him of the bad news.

Elimination time! Everyone is scurrying, but none as fast as Melissa. Sorry Kasey, but you need the money for your Grandma to live?! Is she on life support? Didn’t think so! She’s going to die someday… just everybody else. At least Michelle, who lost her father to cancer, plans to donate to research.

In another bowl of fruit loops, Michael pulls a Womack, bringing the picnic to Emily, I mean Holly. Aww how cute… but it’s been done.

AAAAAAnd she’s still scramblin’. Not seen anyone move this fast to save themselves… even on Survivor! I love Michael’s brutal honesty: you’re safe, and you’re safe, but poor Melissa, she’s a goner. And so she is, along with boy William, who never stood a chance. And did Michelle and William have a secret love affair? She gets all weepy, calling him “salt of the earth”… more
like salt of his tears. What? No mention of crawling into that dark hole and drawing the shades again.

On the other hand, I think Melissa could definitely use a dark hole to hide those bags that are forming under her eyes. Her ugly cry made me cringe, and then her cold shoulder made me giggle. She’s hurt her own image going on this show, acting all 30 going on 13. I enjoy people like Michelle who put a satiric spin on everything, even if they’re a little hated in the process, but I can’t stand the shit show that comes with girls like Melissa. If you know me, you know that’s how I roll, like Michelle. So next time a crazy bitch tries to steal your man, don’t whine and cry about it, show up with a black eye (no one needs to know it was self-inflicted) and say you handled her {insert elbow smack}.

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