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Sex Tie Breaker?

Posted by emzkbd on February 26, 2013

The beginning of the end starts in Thailand. Sean: “These are my last three girls… sex tie breaker?”

Final two

Sean lounges around—literally, in a wifebeater in a hammock—while he recaps his journey with each of the women. Blah, blah, blah. This is when I started drinking! And then it happened—Bachelor Nation Speaks Out via Twitter. One of the first tweets said “Jennifer Lawrence loves The Bachelor“, making Chris Harrison poop more than rainbows.

Sean goes for a swim… to clear his head. I don’t know why he didn’t just spank it. His first date is with Lindsay, and they go to the market. One tweeter says her dad is addicted to the show. Now in my viewing party, almost all the girls chimed in that their dads watch it, too. See future husbands of American women what you have to look forward to in your older age!

Sean and Lindsay sample various foods. Upon watching the season, Lindsay will say: “Why didn’t Sean buy ME an eternity bracelet?” Apparently, Lindsay said she wouldn’t eat bugs, so in true Survivor-fashion, they eat ‘em. Bugs Lindsay looks like she can’t get enough water through her straw. At least her torch won’t be snuffed tonight!

Sean attributes Lindsay to a “high school sweetheart”. Little does he know she’s still in high school. Their date continues on a beach with monkeys. Monkeys Lindsay throws someone’s intestines grapes at ‘em. They proceed to make out for the monkeys. Monkey see, monkey do it—monkey-style!

The date concludes with dinner and a show. Sean asks Lindsay if she’d move to Dallas, and she says yes. But why do the women have to move? Just because he has his own show, they have to pick up and relocate? How pre-feminist movement, Sean!

All of a sudden, dancers emerge with crazy long (fake) fingernails. These chicks are bendy. No wonder men love Asians! Apparently, this put Sean in the mood because he busts out the Fantasy Suite card, and Lindsay doesn’t hesitate. Not sure what they’re going to do, but one tweeter might have it right: “Have praying and fantasy suite ever been used in the same sentence?”

I had to explain the Fantasy Suite to my Bachelor Virgin friend—no, not Sean Lowe! It’s where the Bachelor/ette takes each of his/her final three to talk, make out and seductively clothes the door or draw the shades just as things are getting good. Unless you’re Viena Girardi who throws on lingerie and gets the party started while the cameras are still there!

Lindsay chokes (on a bug?) while trying to tell Sean how she feels about him, but then she catches her second wind and purrs “I love you”. Sean loves hearing her saying that, even though she’s only said it one time.

The next day, AssLee is ready to spend the day with “the love of her life” on a boat. She says she’s like “a schoolgirl in love”. What are with these references? Does Sean have a fetish?

Their destination is the Emerald Cave, and they have to swim through it to get to their private beach. AssLee is scared and wants to ensure they have a “floaty-thing”. Uhhh, I think you’ll be fine—you have two! AssLee brings up her fear of abandonment as if Sean were going to leave her stranded in this cave.

Another tweet says the producers love getting Sean wet this season, but I think their real objective was to get their demographic—ladies age 18-34—wet this season. The camera cuts to a sign written in Thai (presumably)—beware the cave! But in they go! Haven’t you people seen The Descent?! I swore I saw a person in there with them. Or maybe it was just a cameraman creepin’!

AssLee talks about letting go or else “you won’t fall in love”, but if it were me in that cave, I wouldn’t let go of anything! Then they see “the light at the end of the tunnel”! Could it be the end of your relationship? Or is that too much foreshadowing?

Once they emerge, my first thought is “sex on the beach”. Again, if it were me, I’d tell the cameramen to take a hike because that’s once in a lifetime, for sure. Just don’t forget to put a towel or two down.

AssLee says she’s ready to say yes to Sean’s proposal and she doesn’t think there are two more human beings more right for each other. Hmm, I could think of two…

Another dinner date on the beach with these two makes me worry there will be more vocal expressions of affection in the form of screaming. Sean tells her that if he gets down on one knee, it means he will spend the rest of his life with you. Can we hold you to that, Sean?

During this portion of their date, my group of lady-friends was trying to figure out what AssLee’s necklace said. Asshat? Eggnest? Note: Possessionista.com says it’s “gypset” which refers to the “boho, casual California lifestyle.” Ok….

Sean has other things on his mind as he hands AssLee the Fantasy Suite card. He wants her to know what his intentions are—dry-humping like rabbits—without any distractions—all night! AssLee is down with that, but she doesn’t want to cross any boundaries, i.e. no heavy petting. {sad face} Does that mean he’ll have to get her off with a flower like in 40 Days and 40 Nights?

AssLee says she’s going to follow her heart and her heart is telling her she wants to spend time alone with Sean. Suuuuuuure, your heart’s telling you that! Pffft! Then, she drops this gem: “I like a cushion ring with diamonds all the way around on the band, and I think my ring size is 6.5… I definitely know what I want… and that’s more screen time.”

Sean’s third and final date takes him and Catherine on a jug boat, where Catherine plays “queen” of the world. Leo would be proud! Sean loves her weirdness.

Their dialogue continues, and it’s all “I’m a commitment-phobe”, “I haven’t been this vulnerable”, “I get scared”.  Then they backflip into the water, and Sean grabs her ass. My friends and I have determined he’s an ass-man as he’s grabbed a lot of booty in this episode. They get back on the boat and make out in the rain. Catherine says “I’m, like, in the clouds right now” as lightning strikes.

The date progresses to dinner where they enjoy Mai Tais, or as I like to call them “Thai Tais”. Sean asks her what their lives would look like in five years, and Catherine says “I wouldn’t be surprised if a kid was involved.” What are you going to kidnap one? Or are you talking about the annoying neighbor kid who always shows up on your doorstep?

In this midst of this conversation, a tweet pops up that says “Sean wonders if Catherine can settle down and start a family. Her mouth says yes. Her nose piercing says, ‘I’m outta here.’” She is the weirdest person, which makes all this “traditional” talk confusing. What about a nose ring is traditional?

At this time, it’s time to discuss the Fantasy Suite. “Before I even came… in my panties… I was thinking about the Fantasy Suite. There’s no way I would do that. I wouldn’t let myself do that. I wanted to make sure that I was still seen as a lady… not like the whore writing this post.”

Sean: “I love hearing you say that… [I just want] uninterrupted hours of finger-dipping and nob-noshing… just you and me.” Catherine accepts. The two of them depart for the room and their boring night of patty-cake. Catherine confesses she never thought a boy like Sean would like a girl like her. Honey, we already went over this. He has a thing for Asians. Nail-cam reveals her accent nail.

Meanwhile, Catherine tells Sean that she’d been made fun of a lot in her life, like “You’re chubby or you eat too much.” Soooo girls like me have a shot with a hunky, beefy guy like Sean? Sean: “You’re are smokin’ hot. I’m the lucky one.” Aww, so sweet! Now take off your shirt!

Catherine: “Sean has continually made me comfortable and feel safe to be completely myself and exploring anything with him… like our sexuality. When I look in Sean’s eyes, something visceral happens… in my loins.”

Then something really strange happened! They went back to the mansion in L.A. where Chris Harrison appeared to have something important to tell us. Nope! He duped us with a sneak peek of Oz: The Great and Powerful. Sneaky, sneaky, Mr. Harrison!

The next day, a half-naked Sean says he knows who he has to send home and he is dreading it. Before he drops the guillotine, he sits down with Dr. Chris, who reminds him that this was the week Sean went home on Emily’s season. Chris asks Sean if he can see his wife there, and when Sean says yes, Chris looks like he’s been blown away by the most confounding idea. That or maybe he actually believes the hype that Sean’s proposal will make it to the altar.

Sean: “It’s mind-blowing to even think about this… I actually get to have sex again.”

Chris leaves Sean with the very personal video messages, and as one tweeter says, “time for Sean to consult the pictures.” As the first message rolls, another tweeter says “I’m waiting for Sean to be all like, ‘We’re in Thailand so Phuket, ROSES FOR EVERYONE.’”

Lindsay, in her baby-talk voice, says “I met you in a wedding dress, and maybe soon I’ll be wearing one again for you.” From baby talk to baby doll, Catherine calls Sean a “mega-hunk” and says he gives her “the wiggles”. That sounds racist. Lastly, AssLee starts talking about her wall and her obsession with Sean, and then the tears start flowing. Video message I can’t believe no one edited this out. They can edit Arie’s flubs last season, but not her emotional breakdown. As this last video finishes, Sean’s thinking, “Oh great, I have to send the basket case home after that.”

Sean equates the rain to AssLee’s tears. I find it funny how he and she are wearing the same color—burgundy. The only difference is AssLee’s chesticles are boldly on display. It even looks like she cut a slit in her dress to reveal more cleavage.

Before he hands out the roses, Lindsay says Fuck, Shit, or Cunt. It had to be one of those! No worries, though, because she got the first rose. From there, it became the longest rose ceremony ever. Sean stood their holding the final rose for what seemed like forever.

Sean 2

Cut to Catherine: “Is it me? Pick me. Is it me? I don’t know.”

Cut to AssLee: “It has to be me. I’m praying to Jesus. I don’t know. Is it me?”

Sean picks up the rose. Both women are like “Pick me, pick me, pick me…”

Cut to Sean: “Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God…”

Cut to Catherine: “Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God…” Catherine

Cut to rose: “Oh God, just pick one already!”

the rose

Cut to AssLee: “It better be me, it better be me, it better be me…”

AshLee

Cut to Sean: “I guess I should say something, but nothing’s happening…”

Cut to Catherine: “It’s not me, it’s not me, it’s not me. Why didn’t I blow him?”

Sean: “And now I bow my head in prayer and hope to God she doesn’t cut off my manhood!”

And the final rose goes to Catherine, leaving AssLee glaring at Sean. They walk out, while the other women are confused that she didn’t say goodbye. Lindsay and Catherine Lindsay: “She’s pissed.” Well, in that moment, I can’t imagine you care about the future wife of the man who just broke up with you.

AssLee tells Sean to “just stay here.” He wants to explain himself, and she hears him out with the look that sank a thousand ships. Stone-cold bitch! Stone-cold bitch She hops in the car, seemingly unfazed. As the car drives away, I’m thinking, really, you can cry through every episode but then you can’t shed a tear when he dumps your ass. My sister said that’s because she’s a happy crier, but eventually the tears came and she shied away from the camera.

AssLee: “It’s hard saying goodbye to Sean because I let him in…to my vagina.” Ok, ok, ok… maybe not there, but he certainly couldn’t handle all of her emotion, so he sent her somewhere she could deal with them—The Women Tell All. See you next week for what is sure to be a Tierrable talkathon.

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Capture the (red) flag!

Posted by emzkbd on March 13, 2012

Surely those red flags didn’t stop Ben from following his Poo Bear peen straight into Courtney’s pot o’ honey. I’ve known all along, and you frankly should have, too. Heck, it’s been obvious the past few seasons because there’s always a frontrunner—J.P. for Ashley, Emily for Brad, and Roberto for Ali. Nevertheless, I like to think I kept it fairly neutral even though Courtney was an easy target.

Now that the season’s over, you probably don’t care too much for these reality stars, unless you’re my friend Kait who follows nearly every single one of them on Twitter, which has prompted me to do the same. Who knew stalking was so easy?

Ben and Courtney will not be doing the media tour so that they can work on their relationship. As the song goes, this year’s love prolly won’t last. At least, I thought those were the lyrics for a show that has yet to turn out a successful couple. Trista doesn’t count because she was a Bachelorette, and Jason married his runner-up—the girl he initially dumped. So here’s hoping for the doofy winemaker and his model girlfriend! Hope you’ve got a big peen and lots of meds to keep her happy. Throw in some wine and you might see a whole different personality that wasn’t caught on camera. “Winning!”

Back to last night, Ben’s still in Switzerland, waking up with the same sassy bedhead and wondering wistfully out windows if he’ll make the right choice. Here to help is his “mama” and twin caveman sister Julia. I swear if you cut her hair or Ben grew his they would look identical.

Right away those red flags are poppin’ more than the booties in a Jay-Z song. Julia is hella concerned that Ben still has a controversial woman left who causes problems with the other girls. Julia’s expression practically spells out “abort mission,” but Ben is too busy rockin’ out to “Big Pimpin’.” He’s dating a model, yo!

First up, Lindzi meets the fam, and before the date gets going, my first thought was, “Damn it feels good to be a gangsta!” Actually it was “Damn, I’d be nervous as hell trying to impress my future in-laws while eating,” and sure enough, Lindzi’s droppin’ things like they’re hot. I thought for sure her wine would end up on Mrs. Flajnik.

The stress was clearly evident on her face… literally. In each scene progressing to their one-on-one date, I located a new pimple. ProActiv should advertise during The Bachelor because dating is stressful as shit. Even Courtney had a bit of a blemish! Then again, maybe Ben’s just a grease monkey.

Back to the date, Julia is bent on taking down those red flags, just like Courtney was bent over the arm of a chair, taking it up the tailpipe. For Lindzi, it’s go time. “I’m more of a people person.” Really, I thought you were more of a horse person? Either way, she made it clear that they’re two very different women, and Julia seems totally convinced that Courtney will not belong. “A model? Pssh, yeah right! Our family doesn’t even know how to do our hair. That girl will never fit in!”

For the next date, Ben appears in a wooly man-sweater, complementing his mom and sister who also arrived in complete Swiss attire. Ben greets Courtney, obviously nervous because she’s carrying some red flags. As soon as she can strike, Julia grills Courtney about her experience on the show, and apparently Courtney’s feminine wiles reach beyond the peen because Julia bought every word. “I’ll never know what truly happened until I watch the show when it airs, but I think you’re a really great actress, worthy of an Academy Award.”

Later with Ben’s mom, Courtney gushes about their relationship, but Mama Flajnik lays down a subtle threat: “He is the best, and I want the best for him.” But Courtney’s on her game and fires back. “I’m pretty confident in the connection that we’ve made.” Translation: Ain’t nothing comin’ between me and my man!

Once the meet and greet’s over, the deliberation begins. Ben’s in love with both women; they’re two amazing girls; things just keep getting harder and harder. Blah blah blah! Lindzi’s great, but we know Courtney’s what you want. Let’s shave off an hour, put Lindzi on a plane, and call it a day! Think of how many roses wouldn’t have had to die!

No can do! ABC intends to draw out the suspense. Ben takes a page from Courtney’s master manipulator manual and tries to convince Lindzi that she still has a shot. Little did she know that the date he planned—skiing, her first time—was designed to have her evac-ed off the mountain on a stretcher. Sorry about your head! Better luck next time! Peace, out!

But Lindzi was smarter! She used Ben as her crutch. If she went down, he was going down, too! If she can’t have him, no one can!! At the resort, there’s a lot of nodding, yesses, and uh huhs, followed by making out to silence the verbal romantic diarrhea.

The next day, Ben called the heli-chopper to wisk him and Courtney away to a secluded spot, obviously the more intimate date. Yes, these two were super cute, cooking ka-bobs over a makeshift stove, making snow angels and sledding down the hill. Compared to skiing, this date clearly says “I want to spend quality time with you. That other girl could have broken her leg, but you’re a model and therefore belong on a pedestal.”

After their date, Ben arrives at Courtney’s humble abode. I knew she’d get him there someday, clothes or no clothes! Although I guess he went to Lindzi’s room, too! Last chance to lay the pipe before he sends her back to Dumpsville—population Lindzi… again!

Courtney must have gotten the stalker portfolio idea from Blakeley, and the producers obliged. How else would she have gotten those pics? “Past, present and future”—if that doesn’t say it all, then clearly you’ve not been paying attention. After all, it was a theme reiterated quite often after their date in Belize and blatantly used in his proposal. Ben didn’t have a theme with any of the other women, except maybe Kacie B.—“What the FUCK happened?”

The next day, Ben and the women take some moments of choreographed self-reflection, and then Ben gets a visit from Neil Lane. The only other thing this show has in its back pocket is a florist, and maybe a helicopter service. Naturally Ben has to pick the biggest rock because as Courtney said in the first episode she wants a two carat diamond. Meanwhile, the bride-to-be is modeling a baby doll in her bedroom window like the exhibitionist she is.

As the women prepare for their last day, you can’t help but think they’re dressing up for a Harry Potter convention. Those capes, those gloves, those ruffles definitely gave off a witchy vibe—only one of which could pull it off.

I’m sure America’s heart sank when Lindzi emerged from the chopper first, but all I kept thinking is her hair looked better on less important days, strapless dresses aren’t her style, and girl sure wasted no time getting in the first word, probably because the last time she was dumped she didn’t get in any. The whole time, it looks like she knows she’s going home without a ring, thinking “Damn, that’s gonna be a long flight!”

When Ben tells her he’s fallen in love with her, she hardly buys it, and what I’m hardly buying is her lack of emotion. She didn’t shed one tear to our knowledge, and her only piece of parting sorrow was “If things don’t work out, call me.” I guess she’s hoping he pulls a Mesnick! But who wants to be sloppy seconds, other than Molly?

The next thought on everyone’s mind is “Will he pull a Womack and not pick either of them? He has to have seen Courtney’s true colors by now, right Nicki?” But alas my fellow Bachelor fans, this season was unlike any other in that the Bachelor picked perhaps the most disliked woman in the show’s history.

Will it last? It seemed like a sweet, sincere proposal, both delivered and received. A romantic moment that even made me a little weepy! Watching the recap during the After the Final Rose (ATFR) it appeared they were both truly moved by the experience and their relationship on the show. Only time will tell, but I think the media scrutiny will get to them. Their true colors will surface behind closed doors, and the red flags will have been a warning unheeded.

Stay tuned for next season’s Titanic disaster, by which I mean guilty pleasure!

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