(Pop) Culture Shock

It comes in waves

Posts Tagged ‘Emily Maynard’

Sex Tie Breaker?

Posted by emzkbd on February 26, 2013

The beginning of the end starts in Thailand. Sean: “These are my last three girls… sex tie breaker?”

Final two

Sean lounges around—literally, in a wifebeater in a hammock—while he recaps his journey with each of the women. Blah, blah, blah. This is when I started drinking! And then it happened—Bachelor Nation Speaks Out via Twitter. One of the first tweets said “Jennifer Lawrence loves The Bachelor“, making Chris Harrison poop more than rainbows.

Sean goes for a swim… to clear his head. I don’t know why he didn’t just spank it. His first date is with Lindsay, and they go to the market. One tweeter says her dad is addicted to the show. Now in my viewing party, almost all the girls chimed in that their dads watch it, too. See future husbands of American women what you have to look forward to in your older age!

Sean and Lindsay sample various foods. Upon watching the season, Lindsay will say: “Why didn’t Sean buy ME an eternity bracelet?” Apparently, Lindsay said she wouldn’t eat bugs, so in true Survivor-fashion, they eat ‘em. Bugs Lindsay looks like she can’t get enough water through her straw. At least her torch won’t be snuffed tonight!

Sean attributes Lindsay to a “high school sweetheart”. Little does he know she’s still in high school. Their date continues on a beach with monkeys. Monkeys Lindsay throws someone’s intestines grapes at ‘em. They proceed to make out for the monkeys. Monkey see, monkey do it—monkey-style!

The date concludes with dinner and a show. Sean asks Lindsay if she’d move to Dallas, and she says yes. But why do the women have to move? Just because he has his own show, they have to pick up and relocate? How pre-feminist movement, Sean!

All of a sudden, dancers emerge with crazy long (fake) fingernails. These chicks are bendy. No wonder men love Asians! Apparently, this put Sean in the mood because he busts out the Fantasy Suite card, and Lindsay doesn’t hesitate. Not sure what they’re going to do, but one tweeter might have it right: “Have praying and fantasy suite ever been used in the same sentence?”

I had to explain the Fantasy Suite to my Bachelor Virgin friend—no, not Sean Lowe! It’s where the Bachelor/ette takes each of his/her final three to talk, make out and seductively clothes the door or draw the shades just as things are getting good. Unless you’re Viena Girardi who throws on lingerie and gets the party started while the cameras are still there!

Lindsay chokes (on a bug?) while trying to tell Sean how she feels about him, but then she catches her second wind and purrs “I love you”. Sean loves hearing her saying that, even though she’s only said it one time.

The next day, AssLee is ready to spend the day with “the love of her life” on a boat. She says she’s like “a schoolgirl in love”. What are with these references? Does Sean have a fetish?

Their destination is the Emerald Cave, and they have to swim through it to get to their private beach. AssLee is scared and wants to ensure they have a “floaty-thing”. Uhhh, I think you’ll be fine—you have two! AssLee brings up her fear of abandonment as if Sean were going to leave her stranded in this cave.

Another tweet says the producers love getting Sean wet this season, but I think their real objective was to get their demographic—ladies age 18-34—wet this season. The camera cuts to a sign written in Thai (presumably)—beware the cave! But in they go! Haven’t you people seen The Descent?! I swore I saw a person in there with them. Or maybe it was just a cameraman creepin’!

AssLee talks about letting go or else “you won’t fall in love”, but if it were me in that cave, I wouldn’t let go of anything! Then they see “the light at the end of the tunnel”! Could it be the end of your relationship? Or is that too much foreshadowing?

Once they emerge, my first thought is “sex on the beach”. Again, if it were me, I’d tell the cameramen to take a hike because that’s once in a lifetime, for sure. Just don’t forget to put a towel or two down.

AssLee says she’s ready to say yes to Sean’s proposal and she doesn’t think there are two more human beings more right for each other. Hmm, I could think of two…

Another dinner date on the beach with these two makes me worry there will be more vocal expressions of affection in the form of screaming. Sean tells her that if he gets down on one knee, it means he will spend the rest of his life with you. Can we hold you to that, Sean?

During this portion of their date, my group of lady-friends was trying to figure out what AssLee’s necklace said. Asshat? Eggnest? Note: Possessionista.com says it’s “gypset” which refers to the “boho, casual California lifestyle.” Ok….

Sean has other things on his mind as he hands AssLee the Fantasy Suite card. He wants her to know what his intentions are—dry-humping like rabbits—without any distractions—all night! AssLee is down with that, but she doesn’t want to cross any boundaries, i.e. no heavy petting. {sad face} Does that mean he’ll have to get her off with a flower like in 40 Days and 40 Nights?

AssLee says she’s going to follow her heart and her heart is telling her she wants to spend time alone with Sean. Suuuuuuure, your heart’s telling you that! Pffft! Then, she drops this gem: “I like a cushion ring with diamonds all the way around on the band, and I think my ring size is 6.5… I definitely know what I want… and that’s more screen time.”

Sean’s third and final date takes him and Catherine on a jug boat, where Catherine plays “queen” of the world. Leo would be proud! Sean loves her weirdness.

Their dialogue continues, and it’s all “I’m a commitment-phobe”, “I haven’t been this vulnerable”, “I get scared”.  Then they backflip into the water, and Sean grabs her ass. My friends and I have determined he’s an ass-man as he’s grabbed a lot of booty in this episode. They get back on the boat and make out in the rain. Catherine says “I’m, like, in the clouds right now” as lightning strikes.

The date progresses to dinner where they enjoy Mai Tais, or as I like to call them “Thai Tais”. Sean asks her what their lives would look like in five years, and Catherine says “I wouldn’t be surprised if a kid was involved.” What are you going to kidnap one? Or are you talking about the annoying neighbor kid who always shows up on your doorstep?

In this midst of this conversation, a tweet pops up that says “Sean wonders if Catherine can settle down and start a family. Her mouth says yes. Her nose piercing says, ‘I’m outta here.’” She is the weirdest person, which makes all this “traditional” talk confusing. What about a nose ring is traditional?

At this time, it’s time to discuss the Fantasy Suite. “Before I even came… in my panties… I was thinking about the Fantasy Suite. There’s no way I would do that. I wouldn’t let myself do that. I wanted to make sure that I was still seen as a lady… not like the whore writing this post.”

Sean: “I love hearing you say that… [I just want] uninterrupted hours of finger-dipping and nob-noshing… just you and me.” Catherine accepts. The two of them depart for the room and their boring night of patty-cake. Catherine confesses she never thought a boy like Sean would like a girl like her. Honey, we already went over this. He has a thing for Asians. Nail-cam reveals her accent nail.

Meanwhile, Catherine tells Sean that she’d been made fun of a lot in her life, like “You’re chubby or you eat too much.” Soooo girls like me have a shot with a hunky, beefy guy like Sean? Sean: “You’re are smokin’ hot. I’m the lucky one.” Aww, so sweet! Now take off your shirt!

Catherine: “Sean has continually made me comfortable and feel safe to be completely myself and exploring anything with him… like our sexuality. When I look in Sean’s eyes, something visceral happens… in my loins.”

Then something really strange happened! They went back to the mansion in L.A. where Chris Harrison appeared to have something important to tell us. Nope! He duped us with a sneak peek of Oz: The Great and Powerful. Sneaky, sneaky, Mr. Harrison!

The next day, a half-naked Sean says he knows who he has to send home and he is dreading it. Before he drops the guillotine, he sits down with Dr. Chris, who reminds him that this was the week Sean went home on Emily’s season. Chris asks Sean if he can see his wife there, and when Sean says yes, Chris looks like he’s been blown away by the most confounding idea. That or maybe he actually believes the hype that Sean’s proposal will make it to the altar.

Sean: “It’s mind-blowing to even think about this… I actually get to have sex again.”

Chris leaves Sean with the very personal video messages, and as one tweeter says, “time for Sean to consult the pictures.” As the first message rolls, another tweeter says “I’m waiting for Sean to be all like, ‘We’re in Thailand so Phuket, ROSES FOR EVERYONE.’”

Lindsay, in her baby-talk voice, says “I met you in a wedding dress, and maybe soon I’ll be wearing one again for you.” From baby talk to baby doll, Catherine calls Sean a “mega-hunk” and says he gives her “the wiggles”. That sounds racist. Lastly, AssLee starts talking about her wall and her obsession with Sean, and then the tears start flowing. Video message I can’t believe no one edited this out. They can edit Arie’s flubs last season, but not her emotional breakdown. As this last video finishes, Sean’s thinking, “Oh great, I have to send the basket case home after that.”

Sean equates the rain to AssLee’s tears. I find it funny how he and she are wearing the same color—burgundy. The only difference is AssLee’s chesticles are boldly on display. It even looks like she cut a slit in her dress to reveal more cleavage.

Before he hands out the roses, Lindsay says Fuck, Shit, or Cunt. It had to be one of those! No worries, though, because she got the first rose. From there, it became the longest rose ceremony ever. Sean stood their holding the final rose for what seemed like forever.

Sean 2

Cut to Catherine: “Is it me? Pick me. Is it me? I don’t know.”

Cut to AssLee: “It has to be me. I’m praying to Jesus. I don’t know. Is it me?”

Sean picks up the rose. Both women are like “Pick me, pick me, pick me…”

Cut to Sean: “Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God…”

Cut to Catherine: “Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God…” Catherine

Cut to rose: “Oh God, just pick one already!”

the rose

Cut to AssLee: “It better be me, it better be me, it better be me…”

AshLee

Cut to Sean: “I guess I should say something, but nothing’s happening…”

Cut to Catherine: “It’s not me, it’s not me, it’s not me. Why didn’t I blow him?”

Sean: “And now I bow my head in prayer and hope to God she doesn’t cut off my manhood!”

And the final rose goes to Catherine, leaving AssLee glaring at Sean. They walk out, while the other women are confused that she didn’t say goodbye. Lindsay and Catherine Lindsay: “She’s pissed.” Well, in that moment, I can’t imagine you care about the future wife of the man who just broke up with you.

AssLee tells Sean to “just stay here.” He wants to explain himself, and she hears him out with the look that sank a thousand ships. Stone-cold bitch! Stone-cold bitch She hops in the car, seemingly unfazed. As the car drives away, I’m thinking, really, you can cry through every episode but then you can’t shed a tear when he dumps your ass. My sister said that’s because she’s a happy crier, but eventually the tears came and she shied away from the camera.

AssLee: “It’s hard saying goodbye to Sean because I let him in…to my vagina.” Ok, ok, ok… maybe not there, but he certainly couldn’t handle all of her emotion, so he sent her somewhere she could deal with them—The Women Tell All. See you next week for what is sure to be a Tierrable talkathon.

Advertisements

Posted in Bachelor Mondays | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

What are you? Some kind of “crazy person”?

Posted by emzkbd on January 22, 2013

Sean’s journey this week begins again in the rec room. Heaven forbid The Bachelor gain an ounce of fat this season! Previously, I would have swooned over this half naked glistening chunk of man meat, but this week I find myself saying “Eh” and “That’ll do pig.” Sure, Sean’s chabs {chest + abs} are incredibly defined but I still think he could use a few more pull-ups and crunches.

He wants us to know he’s totally “digging” some chicks, man! With that, Chris Harrison is on the prowl… to drop off a date card.

Robyn: “Let’s ditch these bitches and go fall in love for real.” Someone ain’t afraid to cut a bitch!

Lesley M. gets the first date and Sean wants to know “How long will this love last?” Hopefully longer than the past few seasons’. In the limo, Sean asks her what she thinks that means because he has no clue. Lesley is optimistic and somehow equates a loving, lasting relationship with an exotic getaway for the two of them.

What she really gets? Well, Sean was jonesin’ from the peck he got on their last date, and to show her that, he amps up the romance and decides to parade around the Guinness Book of World Records museum, showing off the world’s smallest woman and his dad’s world record of driving all contiguous states.

She had to see it coming because no Bachelor date could be that boring. As it turns out, Sean wants to break his own world record. No, not the world’s longest-running erection, but the world’s longest on-screen kiss, surpassing the previous record set at 3 minutes and 15 seconds. Lesley says it’s the coolest thing she can imagine, but I’m sure she’s thinking Sean’s erection would be much cooler.

Lesley kissing Sean

As they get to it, she’s laughing and probably shooting snot on his face, and he’s using it as an excuse to grope her until he pulls her dress up over her fanny. Sean says he can feel her body start to tremble and I’m thinking—“I would probably orgasm, too!”

Once they break the record, they continue kissing—probably because he is afraid to pull away and reveal his erection to all those bystanders. What a wonderful story they can tell their children if they end up together! What a mortifying thing to live with if you’re Sean and his new fiancée, assuming it’s not Lesley! You think he would still hang that plaque in their apartment then? Hey honey, aren’t you proud I broke a world record with another woman?

Record

Later, on top of the Roosevelt Hotel—where I’m pretty sure other Bachelor/ette contestants have hung out—Sean and Lesley share more awkward moments. Lesley is a self-proclaimed nerd, who studied a lot, and wants a marriage like her parents but is afraid that might not happen. Sean tells her she shouldn’t worry that it won’t cum come because he now knows how to use his tongue effectively. She starts to flush, she’s short of breathe, and then she gets nervous. Sean wants her to take charge of her sexuality so she pounces, so Sean gives her the elephant in the room. He’s been blown away, but I guarantee I blow better.

Back at the mansion, AssLee reads the group date card and all the women chosen pretend to be excited. “Who’s going to touch my penis win my heart?” The next day on the group date, all the eleven women care about is a half-naked Bachelor. Then, the unthinkable happens…

Kacie B.: “The moment I see Chris Harrison, I know that things are not going to be fun for somebody.” Sounds like we have a creeper on the loose!

Chris tells the women they will be competing in a volleyball game to extend their date with Sean. The losing team will leave immediately. No surprise but Ke$ha admits she’s still hungover and therefore won’t be an asset to her team.

The ladies tat up with an “S” for Sean, or slut. All a matter of opinion, I guess! From someone who played volleyball back in the day, this was the worst game I’ve ever witnessed. Asthmatic ten-year-olds could play better volleyball—I know because I’m referring to my sister sixteen years ago.

Volleyball

Taryn wants us to know she is in it to win it. “This volleyball game is the most important game of my life. It’s probably one of the only few I’ll ever play that has something big riding on it—ahem, hopefully Sean’s peen. You’re talking about your heart here; you’re talking about more time with a guy that you barely know and could potentially be yours for three months, give or take, after filming. So this is that big of a deal!”

The game comes down to Des’s serve. There’s a bump and then what should have been a set is really just Kristy fist-pumping to keep the ball in play. Guess she’ll share the same fate! Sean congratulates the winners while Kristy pouts like someone just stole her cookie. Lesley H. tries to conceal her tears on the drive back to the mansion, where everyone blames their exhaustion and crabby moods on the date.

Ke$ha is super bummed out because she wants to show Sean her romantic, serious side when all he’s seen is her wastey-faced side. Kristy continues her half-time show at the Superbawl with all her little cheerleaders shouting words of encouragement—“Go home, go home, go home!”

Sean brings the winners back to his mansion for an orgy. First, he has some alone time with Valley Girl Lindsay, who’s voice is more annoying than any blonde bimbo you could drudge up. They make out for awhile, and then Sean hooks it up with a glam Joey Potter.

Glam Joey Potter Desiree & Sean

The final date card arrives, and Tierra—who chose to wear white see-through sweatpants for the camera—scampers off to retrieve it. She announces it for AssLee and Selma, both of whom shit their pants. JUST KIDDING! It’s just for AssLee. “Do you believe in magic?” Sarah takes personal offense to it on Selma’s behalf.

Back on the group date, tension stirs between Des and Amanda, who sneaks off with Sean to tell him he can stop looking for a wife because she’s all he’ll ever want—if he’s into the whole Alanis Morissette thing.

Amanda Alanis Morissette

Sean says he can tell she has a “genuine heart”. To which she responds: “If we were to get married, I feel I will bring such a light, airy, fun atmosphere… relationships should be fun.”

Des flips her shit because Amanda is questionable and creepy—always staring at Sean like she wants to wear his skinsuit. When Amanda returns—gloating—Des tries to play nice, telling Amanda she killed it at the volleyball game. Amanda says “it has nothing to do with volleyball and everything to do with my split-personality disorder. Muahahahahaha!”

But it’s Kacie B. who pulls an Emily O’Brien and tells Sean she feels like she just took a Courtney Robertson punch to the face. Kacie lays it on the table—there is tension between Des and Amanda. Since she’s friends with Des, she wants Amanda sent packin’. Sean wants to know why she’s getting mixed up in all this. Kacie has no words. Sean says they both seem fine and neither one has said anything to him about it. Kacie: “And I don’t want to be the person who does, but at the same time I’m stuck in the middle so I have to tell you what’s going on… and I’m not a ‘drama person’… it hurts me because I don’t want to hurt either of them… and when that’s going on I’m having a hard time being myself because I’m worried about that.”

Sean looks incredibly confused and calls her a “crazy person”. Finally! At least he’s starting to recognize it floating out there in a sea of skirts and see-through tops. Kacie tries not to cry, and then, not to fall in her sky-high stilettos. No rose for Kacie B. on this date! Instead, Sean rewards Lindsay for her makeout sesh. Kacie tries not to cry in front of everyone, so she does it behind their back to the camera, sniffling that she’s “not supposed to cry this early.”

Kacie B

The next day, AssLee thinks nothing can go wrong on her one-on-one date with Sean… but everything CAN go wrong before. Mere seconds before Sean walks in… ker-plunk! Tierra fall down… or so it seems. I think she was riding a blanket down the stairs for fun and realized no one was paying attention to her, so she ditched the blanket and just laid there like she was coming out of a coma.

Tierra on a stretcher

The paramedics arrive to take Tierra to the hospital, but she pleas like the whiny brat she is to be left alone. She “pops up” because Sean’s there. AssLee says Tierra is the boy who cried wolf, or in this case the slut who cried “Sean!” AssLee claims to be a smart woman, like the medical team who would have diagnosed Tierra’s condition as “bat shit crazy”.

Tierra lounges on the veranda, while Sean plays Aladdin and rubs her lamp ass.

Sean & Tierra

AssLee: “She thinks it’s cute to play the victim, but how about I really make her a victim and stab her with the thorns of the rose I’m going to win on my amazing date.”

Sean wants to see if AssLee has some “kid” in her—or if he could put one there—so he takes her to the most romantic place on Earth. Six Flags—a place where horny teenagers make-out while they wait in line for a 30 second ride! Great outfit by the way. I know my go-to getup for an amusement park is always a short, fancy dress and heels.

AshLee's dress

Sean tells AssLee that it feels “a bit selfish” to keep it all to themselves. At that moment, I half expect a group of underprivileged urban youth to swarm them, but then Sean says they will be sharing their day with two young fans of The Bachelor, who are best friends but have never met. Girl #1 must have been a smoker who somehow kept her ass-long hair from catching on fire, while Girl #2 must be a fighter. Were those boxing gloves she was wearing? Oh no… Sean says they have some mitochondrial disease, which—when he says it—sounds way too depressing to Google.

AshLee Dr. Quinn

Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman says this is the perfect date. Cut to the four of them on a ride with Sean screaming “Get me off! Get me off!” Not sure which one of the ladies he was begging. Then Sean’s favorite band—The Eli Young Band—performs while he and AssLee sway and Girls 1 & 2 upstage them with the two-step or whatever that was.

When they’re finally done babysitting, AssLee opens up to Sean. Orphan Annie tells Sean that she was adopted when she was six but prior to that she was abused by a foster family. They locked her and the other foster kids in the basement where they slept on cots without any lights. There wasn’t a bathroom—only buckets lined up against the wall—and if you weren’t careful, the big kids would hold you down and…

But AssLee is not bitter. No sirree! She reminisces about the day she was adopted and how much she’s been loved by her parents. Sean gets misty and sobs: “That’s such a sweet story! Wahhhhhhhhh!” Hey Sean, I can see your vagina from here.

The whole time Emily Maynard AssLee was telling her sob story, the band was also listening behind them. Once everyone wiped their tears away, they played another song.

On rose ceremony night, things get feisty, but first Sean wants to send Nubby home. JUST KIDDING! He bought her a dog. Oh wait, it’s her dog? And he likes chew toys? Now we know why she doesn’t have a prosthetic.

Later, Sean sits down with Tierra who has magically healed from her physical and emotional roller coaster ride down the stairs. Katie Holmes steals Sean to suck his face, but rather than “punch some walls”, Tierra steals him back. “My turn!”

From one thief to the next, Lesley M. swoops in and the domino effect continues. Meanwhile, Des told Sean that she would stay right where he left her… and she stayed there all night.

When Kacie B. finally gets her turn, she wants him to know that it’s a two way street. Sean continues the metaphor by saying they’ve turned a corner, but before Kacie gets to find out if she’ll make it to destination Roseville, Selma and AssLee plop a squat for some chatter.

Before he sends the ladies packing, he pulls Kacie outside, rose in hand, to stand next to someone peeing in the bushes the sound of running water where he tells her she’s back in the friend zone. Wait for it… wait for it… “WHAT THE FUCK!” No, she didn’t say it this time; I guess she learned her lesson last time on how to exit a reality show gracefully.

Kacie: “Last time I left with no regrets because I tracked down Ben to beg him for a second chance. And this time there are regrets, so rather than live with them, I guess I’ll have to fly to Thailand on the day Sean proposes and tell him {SPOILER} he should have sent Amanda home sooner.”

In the end, Sean didn’t want a drama queen (Kristy) or a lean, mean volleyball machine (Taryn), but he likes all the other thieves and injury-prone women who are left. More on that next week!

Posted in Bachelor Mondays | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Don’t forget your rape whistle… and other fun tales

Posted by emzkbd on January 8, 2013

It’s that time of year again… we’ve packed on the holiday pudge, our significant other would rather pop a sleep-aid then snuggle with us, and odds are our New Year’s resolutions even feel sorry for us. And then, it happens… the new Bachelor slowly, strategically peels off his v-neck T-shirt (because that’s all he owns), and all is right in our worlds. The only things working harder than Sean Lowe’s abs are the batteries in my vibrator.

Sean

This season, I want to preface my posts by saying if you are easily offended—by anything—you should probably stick to a PG-rated recap or family-friendly dialogue because my posts will be honest, mean, and completely gratifying to fans of the show. I am utterly addicted to this franchise; and I may love its host, the lead and some of the contestants, but you would have to confirm that with me because no one is safe from my proverbial harassment.

I am also aware that “God has a plan” for the 29 year old Dallas Texan, and as much as I’d love to be a part of that plan, I will be resigned to my weekly commentary because if you’re cast on the show at my age you’re probably the old cougar. I’m 28.

The show begins by accommodating us with Sean’s backstory—he’s Emily Maynard’s ex from last season of The Bachelorette. Then “Seanie” plays in the sprinkler—my number four fantasy. He says he wants to be all that he can be, but this isn’t the army. The only troop he’ll encounter is the one that wants to marry him or use him for reality stardom. He also wants to be rich in love, but my guess is after the show he’ll be rich RICH with all the guest appearances he’ll be fulfilling. And if it doesn’t work out with one of the bachelorettes, he might even be rich with punani… unless he’s still into dudes, which takes us to our next chapter!

Before Sean gets to meet the women, he has to explore his sexual urges conversation skills with former Bachelorette contestant Arie Luyendyk, Jr. Sean needs to know how to “break up” with the girls, but he can’t use “it’s not you it’s me because it’s obviously them.” Then, Arie tries to explain the art of kissing—which is a lost art with Sean (see example). Sean kissing Emily

GOO! Clearly, Sean has never eaten pussy, and Arie eats it every day.

At this point, we’re ready for the girls before this turns into gay porn. The show teases a few of the bachelorette’s personal lives:

Desiree is always a bridal stylist never a bride.

Tierra wants us to believe she’s “family-oriented” and ready to settle down.

Robyn shows us her flexibility with a hand stand.

Diana is a caring mother of two who lives in Utah, so I’m sure she’s hiding a Mormon past and connections to Jef Holm—Emily’s ex-fiancee.

Sarah—wait a minute—I didn’t know the one-armed surfer chick was going to compete this season!

Bethany Hamilton

Quick! Get an autograph before her hand gets tired!

Ashley P. curls up with 50 Shades of Grey, masturbates, and then lets out an exhilarating laugh of pure evil. She wants Sean to spank her. We have that in common.

Lesley M. lives in Washington, D.C. She doesn’t like nerds or politicians, but she will campaign for Sean’s heart. Doesn’t that make her both?

Kristy—“the best from the Midwest”—boxes and hopes to find someone who can stretch her out as well as her trainer can.

AshLee F. has a twitchy problem, as well as OCD. Anyone else think it was strange that she was filmed sitting quietly by herself? Must be a preacher’s daughter thing!

Now it’s time for the women to arrive. Sean quietly prays before the women start to emerge from the limo—probably hoping no one shoves lace panties in his pocket or shows up drunk, in a wedding gown.

AshLee is first out of the limo and claims to be the bestest of the bunch. I just think she has no personality because it’s been consumed her anal retentiveness.

Jackie wants to mark Sean with her urine lipstick, but then Ashley Greene Selma—glad to be finished with the Twilight saga—is happy to wipe off her smudge.

Ashley Greene Selma

Leslie H. looks like she is about to swallow this “hunk” whole.

Jaws Lesley H

Where is Richard Dreyfuss when you need him?

Next up is our first celebrity performer—Ke$ha, who just came off a night of partying.

 

Kelly thought she was entered in an Oompa-loompa contest—super orange and sings when you want her to stop.

 

Meanwhil, Katie thought she was going to a black-tie yoga affair because she forgot her shoes.

Ashley P. pulls a tie out of her cleavage, and Sean’s face reveals he’s already been a victim of bondage.

Ashley's tie

Taryn wants to get “fresh” with Sean. I think she looks like an alien—the really sexy kind.

Taryn Natasha Henstridge

Catherine stepped off the Quileute reservation where Jacob Black lives.

Robyn fails to show she’s flexible and lands on her ass.

Lacey brought lacy panties lace to stuff in Sean’s pants. Déjà vu?

Lacey's panties

Paige—wait, why is she here again? She’s starting to look desperate.

Jamie Lynn Spears Tierra awkwardly tells Sean that she plans to tattoo his name all over her body. Somehow he finds this all very alluring! He asks Chris to break the rules and hand out roses on his own accord. This way, he doesn’t have to remember all their names later!

Jamie Lynn SpearsTierra

Amanda couldn’t do her hair, but she nailed her red lipstick… and that totally forced awkward moment.

Keriann claims to have driven all the way there to meet Sean. Guess she’ll have to drive all the way back, too!

Desiree is obviously the cutest and most put-together bachelorette, in my opinion. Her red dress was my absolute favorite. Somewhat Grecian and very sophisticated! Love the sexy back and the side-swept hair, which complemented it very well. Her cute penny toss to make a wish was adorbs.

Desiree's dress

Bethany Hamilton Sarah says she always pictured finding a two-armed man to marry on a reality TV show.

Brooke can’t pull off the burgundy wig with the hot pink lipstick.

Diana is ready to marry her fourth husband and have another dozen children, but she wins my award for best hairstyle.

Diana's fishtail

Lesley M. wants to run a football play, but really she wanted to admire the view. Well played!

Kristy wastes no time bringing out the claws—she makes it clear she wants nothing to do with those other bitches.

Nicki Minaj Ashley H. introduces herself in true Nicki fashion: “Hi Ken, I’m (black, mermaid) Barbie.”

Nicki Minaj Ashley H

Ashley Tisdale Lauren has tourette’s… I think… she can’t stop shaking her hair. Oh… nope… she’s just blonde.

Lauren Ashley Tisdale

Lindsay thought she’d already won, which is why she arrived in a wedding gown; and just so Sean wasn’t surprised on their wedding night, she admitted to having balls. The wastey-faced bride-to-be waltzed inside, commenting that she couldn’t wait until their “first dance” inside.

And then there was one more… fan favorite and F-bomber Kacie B. She’s totes crazy in love with Sean, and as one girl points out, her Bible-hugging parents were the dealbreaker with Ben. I’m pretty sure I didn’t hear a religious slur in there.

Desiree’s snide comment was not logically thought out. “She had her chance with Ben, so what makes her think something will work with Sean?” Uhhh, maybe it’s because he’s a totally different person who doesn’t wear a shirt as often and doesn’t look like a cartoon character.

Selma says if she could dream up a man it would be Sean. Yep, I dream him up every night, and the dream always ends well.

Then a bunch of them screamed, and it disrupted my horny pants. Sean took off his jacket (for Kacie B.), and I was back on track. If only he continued to strip…

Desiree gets a lot of talk time with Sean, and I can’t decide if it’s because ((SEMI-SPOILER)) she makes it far or because she’s the most well-spoken bachette. Either way, she gets a rose, and all of the women become self-conscious—they start “mean muggin’”.

mean muggin

Maybe they should have shampooed their hair! I’m looking at you, Ke$ha.

Next up—AshLee gets a rose, but I think she’s more excited about the plush pillows on the furniture.

Tierra thinks she’s da bomb cuz she got da first rose, but AshLee brings it with her comment “I mean, you’re stunning, BUT it’s definitely not the first impression rose; it was just the first rose.” Guess someone should stop acting like this someone who also sang “I got the rose” and is now single.

I got the rose

The Tournament of Roses parade ain’t got nothing on what went down next: Selma, Robyn, Katie, Catherine, and Jackie get roses, but Nicki Minaj ain’t got that super bass Sean’s looking for.

Later, Lindsay wishes she were more sober when she twirls with Sean. Despite her intoxication, Lindsay thinks she and Sean have the same morals. I guess that waits to be seen.

first dance

From one dance to another, Ashley P. starts grinding and air-thrusting. Kacie B.: “She just needs a lot of water. Water, people!” She proceeds to dance her way into some one-on-one time with Sean, who was already being grilled by Paige, and pulls the tie back out of her bosom.

Sean: “I also brought a rape whistle if I’m in trouble.”

Ashley tells Sean that she told her mom that he is the guy she is going to tie up marry, but I guess 50 Shades of Drunk isn’t his type.

Lesley H. gets a rose, and the mayhem continues. Then there are tears. Taryn wanted her one-on-one time, but Sean steals Brooke—who gets a rose—leaving Taryn to her insecurities. Queue “All By Myself”.  She wants a rose; “however, she doesn’t want to necessarily open up and share that to everybody.” Well, I’m sure they’ve already figured it out, genius. And isn’t it a little soon for the “I don’t fight over a guy” sobfest? She hasn’t even talked to him yet.

Sarah, on the other hand, is nervous and wallowing in self-pity because she only has one arm, which is an absurd reason to think that’s why you’re still single. I’m sure it has more to do with your insecurities and using your arm as a crutch. Wait, no, that wouldn’t work!

When Sarah finally gets her alone time with Sean, she opens up and calls out the elephant in the room—her missing arm! The whole time she’s talking about it, I can only imagine what’s going through Sean’s mind:

“Don’t.look.at.it.don’t.look.at.it.don’t.look.at.it.noooooooooo.don’t.look.at.it.don’t.look.at.it.don’t.look.at.it.don’t.look.at.it.big.smile.big.smile.just.give.her.the.rose.so.I.don’t.have.to.look.at.it.nubby.nubby.nubby.nubby.big.smile.rose.ceremony.time.phew!”

Trying to enunciate her slurred speech, Lindsay says her stomach’s in knots, but I’m guessing that’s her body’s way of telling her she’s about to throw up. Final roses go to Amanda, Lesley M., Kacie B., Kristy, Daniella, Taryn, and Lindsay.

The rejects shed some tears over a man they just met. If it were me, I’d be crying, too, but because I wouldn’t get to go on all those amazing vacations. And I won’t lie—it’s a bit of a “bumski” to see Barbie Ass, a.k.a. 50 Shades of Drunk, exit so early because she would have brought tons of entertainment, dirty dancing and lip-biting.

On the upside, my favorites made it through: Lesley M. and Desiree. Now, as always, I know who Sean picks, and I have a vague idea of the pecking order (although I will be reviewing that again after this post for my own personal satisfaction). Nevertheless, I will not let my favorites dictate or spoil my posts. Who knows? My picks might even change as I watch the magic unfold. You’ll just have to keep watching and reading to see if my picks include Sean’s future fiancée or perhaps a future Bachelorette or Bachelor Pad contestant. Until next week… keep your rape whistles ready.

Posted in Bachelor Mondays | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Matthew McConaughey wins Bachelor Pad 3

Posted by emzkbd on September 11, 2012

It finally came and went, and no, I’m not talking about Chris in the bedroom. The Bachelor Pad 3 had to be one of the most epic conclusions to a Bachelor-esque season we’ve ever seen. I knew all along how it played out, but I still had to watch. Drama you hear/read just isn’t the same as the train wreck you witness.

Upon introductions of the cast, no one claps for the twins or Jamie, and the defending champ Michael gives the audience a homo-sexy wave. Sometimes I wonder how this one scores with the ladies!

Throughout the course of the finale, Chris Harrison takes a look back, and each time I fast-forward. If I wanted to re-cap the season’s best moments, I’d re-read my posts.

The first pressing topic to be addressed is the status of Kalon and Lindzi, who confirm they’re doing an LDR, but Ericka Rose chimes in with “Be careful”. Apparently, she claims he’s been seen with different women, to which Lindzi looks like a tanorexic deer in headlights. This all comes after Ericka Rose says she’s not good at lying or manipulating; somehow, I would disagree with that. Right, Reality Steve?

Next up, Michael hops into the hot seat to re-hash his dramatic exit and his relationship with Rachel. He admits to betraying Ericka Rose, but it was only because he couldn’t take her gaveling ways any longer. Michael also says he was not looking for a wife because it’s Bachelor Pad—cesspool of venereal disease.

Chris Harrison asks how things are with him and Rachel, to which Hatchet Face—who doesn’t appear too hatchet-y these days—insists “she’s not okay”. I guess their friendship is back on because I certainly don’t defend my frenemies. Michael called Rachel his “girlfriend” and “didn’t want to close the book” on their relationship, otherwise known as “friends with long distance benefits”.

 

Hatchet Face, who was apparently trying to be like Britney or Ashley, says she played the most loyal game. Taking away your best friend’s chance to win $250,000, it’s unforgivable so she damn well better get a Coach purse outta this.

Chris Harrison asks if there’s still animosity and she says she’s still angry and their friendship has never been the same. Hatchet Face claims she was the “Puppetmaster”, controlling the game, and I would tend to agree. She and Ed gave out a lot of roses, they were likable, and they had a hand in convincing a lot of people whom to vote for.

Blakeley, the aesthetician yearning for cable TV, steps into the hot seat in her very bohemian chic garb with color-blocking and cutouts. She does her best not to trash-talk Chris, but she does get into it with the Queen of the Nile—clearly, this one’s got wayyy too much going on.

Jamie: “Jaclyn claims I’m fake…”

Jaclyn: “You are…”

Blakeley: “You are…”

It all started with those eyelashes, honey! The Most Real Person You’ll Ever Meet calls Jamie socially awkward and unable to communicate with women, which is probably why she did that lap dance for Ben and not the other women during his season.

Back to Blakeley… Chris Harrison, did you even watch the show? It’s a “donkey-punch” to the throat. Blakeley gets so emotional while talking about her amazing man, or as America likes to call him “Mr. Pathetic.” Based on her speech, it’s evident that Tony was the first man to give her an orgasm.

Tony claims to have been creepin’ on her because he had a doofy crush but got friend-zoned instead. I guess now his ass is the only one she’ll have bleach because they announce they’re moving in together, but then Tony segways into the longest proposal EVER. Chris Harrison is about to pee his panties, while Blakeley looks like someone is gonna jump out and donkey-punch her in the throat—PSYCH!

At first, it looked she was gonna say “Are you kidding me? Get the fuck out. I can’t marry you after a month of hand-holding during reality show clip time.” But in the end, she said yes, and now she gets a lifetime of cable. So glad you found a new mommy for your son, Tony!

An hour in, the final two couples come out: Matthew McConaughey and his partner—the future Marlboro spokeswoman—and Gerard Butler and his whore.

 

Right off, Rachel targets Michael and his womanizing ways. She felt like their relationship was growing and they might have had something special after the show like Blakeley and Tony’s shotgun wedding. Michael just responds, “Yeah, we kissed, so what? I’m a musician, and I tell women what they want to hear all the time. That’s how I get laid. Bowchickabowwow.”

It sounds like Michael told her he didn’t want an LDR while they were cuddling and making out. Then weeks later, she found out he was dating someone else long distance. Been there, done that!

On the other hand, Nick says he stayed out of all the “stupid” drama. By referring to “stupid” he’s actually referring to Chris, who apparently took a beating from his parents for his mistreatment of Jamie and Blakeley. Jamie says Chris wouldn’t have been a great father for Emily’s daughter Ricki. Chris says it’s unfortunate she feels that way because the only baggage he has is moving to Maryland. More on that soon…

Chris Harrison lets the former castmates ask questions, and Hatchet Face wants to know why Rachel didn’t fight harder to bring her and Ed to the end. Rachel says “I wanted the money, bitch. Get over it!”

Chris Harrison asks the Lightening Rod for Controversy if he regrets his decisions, to which he responds, “No, it’s a game.” Blakeley points out that they [the former castmates] are the ones voting. David appreciates Chris’s gamer-side but says Chris lacked remorse for what he’d done to Blakeley and Jamie. Either Chris was high, like Nick was most of the time, or the editing was really bad because his rebuttal was there were no rules so he brought Ericka Rose into the deliberation room where she gave him a handy.

Sarah tries to defend Chris; everyone rolls their eyes. What did Chris learn? He has to juggle his women better. He plays the humbled card, telling everyone to vote for Sarah, not him. One thing never addressed though? Sarah and Chris’s relationship. Word has it that he just packed up from Chicago to open a restaurant in Maryland. Well, Sarah lives in St. Louis… but she is a bartender, so maybe Chris can give her a job and they can continue having sex in strange places.

On to the voting, where only the most important people are allowed to speak:

Michael gives Rachel (also Nick) a sympathy vote since she no longer gets to snuggle with his peen.

Jamie hates that Chris is banging Sarah, so she votes for Rachel & Nick (R&N).

Kalon is bros with Chris, so he throws a vote his way.

Ed votes for R&N. I really don’t know why. Chris is seen shaking his head in disgust. What’s weird is that Reality Steve says Ed and some other formers Bachelor/ette alums, including Graham, are backing Chris’s restaurant, so who knows?

Blakeley wants to donkey punch Chris in the throat. We already knew this. She gives her vote to R&N.

David appreciated Chris’s playa style, so he gives Chris & Sarah (C&S) a vote.

Ericka Rose’s vote is the other one that baffles me, since I thought she was friends with Rachel and Hatchet Face. Instead, she ended up tossing one to C&S.

Reid votes for R&N because Sarah gave him herpes.

Lindzi votes for R&N because she and Rachel used to split a carton of Reds during Ben’s season.

Donna votes for R&N because the gold digger wants to finish where she left off with Nick. See below.

Tony votes for R&N because if he voted the other way Blakeley would probably throw the ring at him.

Final vote—it comes down to the ex-BFF! Well played, Mr. Harrison!

Hatchet Face says she wants to stick to her loyal game, so she votes for R&N. The ex-besties hug it out! Turns out, all the remaining votes were for R&N anyway. Better luck next season, Chris! Hopefully you’ll have some fresh punani to fry!

It’s here that most of America figured out how the show would end because ABC likes to give it away in the previews. Since Rachel already had it out with Michael, there was only one other person left to get that angry at.

Rachel says she really trusts Nick, i.e. you better be voting “Share”, too! Nick confirms that by saying “we’re on the same page.” How it works: If both pick “share”, they split the money. If both pick “keep”, neither of them gets the money; the rest of the cast gets to split it. If one picks “keep” and the other picks “share”, then the one who picks “keep” gets to keep all the money.

They deliberate while everyone else speculates what they’ll decide. Hatchet Face wants Rachel to pick keep because she deserves it more. Strategist David says Nick has to be debating whether or not he’ll share with someone who wanted to go home. Good Christian Chris sees the light and thinks they’ll share, and Reid and Michael agree because no one can be that greedy—except Chris “SWAT” who would take the money and run to his Bachelor Pad hideout where he watches re-runs of the show in his underwear with a glass of vino and bottle of lube. Oh no, that’s just my Friday night!

(No bloopers this time—sad face—but the montage of Nick-knocking during the credits makes up for it.)

Rachel and Nick return with their quarter-million-dollar decisions, escorted by bodyguards in case someone tries to snatch ‘em. Rachel is up first. She wanted love and money, but she didn’t come on the show for half the money. However, she says she couldn’t win without a partner (or in her case, Hatchet Face) so she picked “share”.

Nick’s monologue is a little more honest and a lot more winded. He says no one would have predicted he could make it that far; Hatchet Face said he didn’t deserve to be there, and Ed said he was an “anonymous guy”. He did it all by himself because nobody cared what he did. Rachel never wanted to be his partner and tried to leave him three times; she was only thinking about Michael, so he picked “keep”… and the crowd goes wiiiiild.

I completely agree with this decision. He flew under the radar, and he helped win their final challenge. Then he convinced Rachel to bring Chris and Sarah because they would get more votes. Nick also made a great point: no one signed on to the show hoping to walk away with half the money. Rachel wants someone to punch Nick. I want her to stop smoking.

If it were me, unless I was partnered with a boyfriend or best friend, I would have kept the money, too. The only thing I can give Rachel is that, yes, being ripped from a relationship, as she was, would set you apart from the rest of the competitors. Then again, Kalon points out none of them “deserved” the money. It’s a game, and Nick is a schmuck with $250,000.

One of my favorite parts was when Michael tries to stand up for Rachel, saying Nick is ignoring someone right next to him who is completely devastated. Nick replies, “Well then console her. You weren’t sympathetic either.”

The music plays out; Nick rises and leaves, but Rachel chases him out. Hatchet Face is disgusted that she gave him $250,000, and Ericka Rose says if she were Rachel and didn’t end up with love or money, she’d kill herself.  Watching Rachel verbally attack Nick, I can’t help but imagine how her breakup with Michael played out.

Nick apologizes and says he has to go. Rachel: “Oh, I’m sorry, you have to go.” Nick: “I played this game brilliantly. Buh bye.” And off he goes to Vegas with his big bag of money! Maybe he should bet on the next Bachelor. Sounds like it’s going to be Sean, which will make for excellent TV this January when a ton of slutbags try to shove their panties in his pocket.

Until then, I hope to blog some alternative posts to keep you entertained—most likely discussions on movies, TV shows, and relationships. Stay tuned!

Posted in Bachelor Mondays | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Love don’t come easy, but your peen sure does

Posted by emzkbd on August 21, 2012

Well, well, well, if it isn’t Blakeley’s Pad. (Maybe I should have re-thought that opening!)

After last week’s Blakeley versus Jamie Who-Gives-Better-Head Showdown, we’re left with the inner musings of a donkey-punching horse face.  That would be Blakeley, who feels like she won the lottery and could use the money for a breast reduction so that her ginormous ta-tas don’t distract from her winning personality. She compares her shady partner Chris to the shit on the bottom of her shoe. Wait, she stepped in shit?

Cut to Chris, climbing into his bunk bed, sighing “Woe is me… Blakeley has taken over my life… now I’ll never get laid again.” Blah blah blah… I’d really love to see one of those bunk beds implode and crash to the floor, preferably with Chris nestled inside. Then they’d have so much room for activities in there!

Sarah appears and wants to make hand party with Chris. His response: “TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF… you might have stepped in the same shit as Blakeley. Oh wait, I’m the shit!”

The remaining contestants stay up late gabbing like schoolgirls at a slumber party. They’re all in agreement that Chris should just pack his bags, take the next flight home, and schedule a VD test. Meanwhile, Chris is trying to find the rat… not the one hiding out in their kitchen.

Kalon’s a liar? So what! Man-child Chris can’t handle the truth. He thinks he and Kalon were in it together, but Kalon admitted to voting for Jamie. At that, Chris wants to slap Kalon in the face and Sarah on the ass.

Coincidentally, Sarah finds a rose in Chris’s sheets and feels like she’s back on The Bachelor all over again. “Chris is so sweet. He removed all the petals from this rose and hid it under his pillow for me to find. Nevermind! That Jamie bitch probably stashed it here as a death threat.” To which Kalon replies, “That’s how he got Emily.” Yeah, that and “I TOLD YOU I LOVED YOU. I thought that was the universal phrase for panty dropping.”

From the bed to the couch (yeah, that’s how she rolls), Sarah follows Chris like a lap dog. Chris confronts Ed, and Ed defends Hatchet Face. Sarah: “Ed? How can you only trust Jaclyn? We had sex. I thought that meant something.” Now I’m starting to see the chemistry between Sarah and Chris.

The Grown-Ass Man and Ed bicker about their votes. Ed apologizes, says the game is stupid, and is handed a wine glass and told to smash it to bits for no apparent reason other than Chris is a whiny baby. As my friend Kait said, I just want to give him a pacifier, and as Hatchet Face said, “He wants to have a good time with nipples in his mouth.” Same diff!

For this week’s challenge—the Great Fall of China, har har har—the contestants have to stack and carry dishware. Blakeley is soooo glad she worked at Boobs & Wings Hooters for thirty-five thirteen years, but Ericka Rose is jealous because she feels like she has yet to find a challenge that caters to her strengths. Like shopping … or botox!

Needless to say, these ladies weren’t sugar plum fairies, and it takes forever. I could have finished a cup of tea before they finished the challenge. And just when Chris thinks Sarah has it in the sink, she gets a little handsy and touches her cups. Chris is turned on until Blakeley wins.

During commercial, Chris Harrison asked if I was the perfect match for the next Bachelor? I looked down at my vagina, thought it looked a little too clean, and decided it could use some corruption. I’ll be sending my application and lacy panties shortly.

Next up are the guys, who appear more poised and concentrated. Reigning champ Blakeley coaches Tony, which causes Chris to say Blakeley is over-the-top and can’t keep her mouth shut. Like when she had your penis in it? I bet that was a good time.

In the end though, Blakeley’s big mouth helped Tony win, and to show his gratitude Tony pledges to be the best long-term partner he can be to Blakeley. Wow, this guy is wasting no time finding a new mommy for his kid. Rumor has it that he might propose at the BP finale taping this weekend. I wonder if the producers will stage it like they did with Holly and Blake last season.

Later, Chris Harrison returns to confirm Blakeley will take Tony on her date. Since this is a repeat of last week’s scenario, Blakeley gets to hand out a rose to another guy—Kalon. She also gets to choose between two dates—a romantic evening or the overnight date. Since her vagina felt left out with Chris and his many concubines, she hopes to get lucky (and spoiled) on the overnight date, which means Kalon gets a romantic evening with a pretty woman—Lindzi. They get the basic Bentley and diamonds date! Nothing too flashy! Pffft…

Blakeley is trying to contain her jealousy, but she’s optimistic. “If they get Bentley and diamonds, I can’t imagine what we get!” I’m guessing this is a “Less is more” lesson to be learned.

Since Kalon always has a driver/pilot/babysitter, he gets lost on his way to their date—a dinner on a secluded bridge with a chandelier that looks like it could fall at any second. Before their meal, Kalon launches into a romantic dialogue, during which Lindzi acknowledges his sentiments with a tardy laugh.

Back at the mansion, Chris plans to drink until he passes out. He went from King of the Castle to the manure man, so he starts conspiring to send Lindzi home because she’s trapped in Kalon’s spell. Clearly, because she’s spread eagle on the Bentley!

The next day, Tony plants to put his peen the moves on Blakeley, who is stressin’ about the date. Ed tells her to relax… because no one cares. Chris thinks their date will be awkward because Blakeley is so overpowering. Yeah, I totally saw her holding you down, Chris, and sticking her tongue down your throat, you man whore!

After all the build-up of what it could be, Blakeley steps outside to find a map, a jeep…  and a date with a lumber salesman, a.k.a. Mr. Pathetic, a.k.a. Tony. In a matter of seconds, so fast it’ll make your head spin, Blakeley can’t decide if she wants to let her hair down (wink, wink) or put it in pigtails. Either way, I think Tony’s dick will end up in her mouth trough. Queue Chris: “Blakeley, why the long face?”

On the other hand, Ericka Rose thinks this is the perfect date for someone trashy like Blakeley. She’s got masculine tattoos, and she used to work at Hooters. Forget about the pigtails, fake tits, and nearly nude pics… Ericka is obviously spot on with her definition of “trashy.”

As they drive away, Kalon says he and Blakeley are good friends, and he never would have seen Blakeley and Tony ending up together. Probably because she’s a preying-mantis who will donkey punch you to the throat rather than bite your head off.

Blakeley is still waiting for a helicopter or diamond earrings to drop out of the sky, but instead, they pull up to a trailer. She seems upset, but isn’t that the typical abode for a Hooters waitress?

Back at the house, Chris wants to suck (up to) and blow it over with Ed. Apparently their experimental phase isn’t over. After they do their thang, Chris has Ed on board to take out Lindzi.

Over to more sucking and blowing… oh wait, that comes later. Tony and Blakeley are grilling in the desert. Blakeley asks Tony if he wants a big piece because obviously that what she wants—whether it’s a diamond or his peen. She’s really willing to open up to Tony, so much so that she basically confesses she’s afraid to be left and she plans to latch on to Tony like a parasite.

Tony is like the “Jamie” of the men—naïve. “You’ve been with the wrong dudes, and I think I’d be different for you. I’ve been hurt the worst you can get hurt—by putting my peen inside an impregnable woman. I just want to live in the moment and see where it goes, and by it, I’m still referring to my peen.”

Meanwhile, Michael is wooing Rachel by pulling a Womack (pulling Emily aside at a rose ceremony with a picnic). He talks about his ex; she swoons.

Simultaneously, Tony turns on the jeep radio and finds this gem—“Love don’t come easy.” He and Blakeley slow dance under the stars. Then EVERYONE starts making out, except for Hatchet Face who only gets to stroke Ed’s head. If all the couples were together, it would be an orgy fo shizzle.

The next morning, Blakeley and Tony make their walk of shame—shameful because they couldn’t bathe. As they re-cap their date for their other housemates, Tony is smitten. Chris thinks he’s been brainwashed and the next day they’ll get married on the wet Bachelor driveway.

Chris pulls Tony aside and tells him he doesn’t want Tony to give Lindzi the rose. So Tony consults Blakeley, who is ready to send Chris and Sarah home, but Tony thinks Sarah is a good person. Oh no! Did she blow you, too?

Tony is about to present the rose when Chris, the king of curve balls, interjects and pulls Tony aside, again. Chris is always trying to change the rosegiver’s mind at the last minute, and in this case, it seemingly worked well for everyone. Tony doesn’t give the rose to Lindzi or Sarah; instead he hands it to Hatchet Face. The world may never know why…

Before the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison checks the relationship pulses of all the couples. Everyone admits to being romantically involved with their partner, but Ed emotionally slaps Hatchet Face in the… errr, hatchet face… when he says their relationship is strictly platonic.

Then Mr. Harrison says he wants to shake things up, so he’s bringing in strippers. Just kidding! Unless you count Blakeley! To switch it up, everyone must vote for a girl, and whoever that girl is gets to take out any guy she chooses. Before he leaves, Mr. Harrison also says they’ll have Depends available for any contestant who pisses or shits themselves because of his announcement.

The strategizing begins. Forget Depends, Michael needs to take a shower after this rose ceremony since he’s gunning for his “friend” Ericka Rose. He hopes she’ll think that Chris is the mastermind of that plan, since he’s done so well thus far.

In a more quiet section of the house, Hatchet Face and Ed are staring at each other. Her expression reads, “You fucking dick.” His: “You only get what you give.” And, BOOM, the ugly cry is back!  Ed apologizes and claims to be pursuing someone back home. Good luck with that, girlie!

Once Ericka Rose finds out Chris is plotting her demise, she goes straight to the source. After being prompted by Kalon, Chris proceeds to take Ericka into the deliberation room and stuff that ballot box. She is so impressed that she confronts Michael and says if she goes home then she’s taking the house down with her. Once the roses are given, Ericka picks Michael to leave with her. She calls him out as a dictator and a tiny little man. Michael admits to getting off Ericka. Eww! This is not going well!

Ericka also pulls the mother of all low blows, telling Michael that dumping him and marrying Blake was the smartest decision Holly ever made. Rachel breaks down at the mere mention of Holly and wants to go home, too, but Michael convinces her to stay and find a new peen to play with. With that, Nick is all ears!

Posted in Bachelor Mondays | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Mouth intercourse: Practice safe smooching!

Posted by emzkbd on August 1, 2012

For me, Tuesdays are the morning after a drunken sexual encounter, where you wake up thinking “I let him stick it where?” But the truth is, once you’ve been there, you’re bound to find your way back, and that, my friends, makes Bachelor Pad my drug of choice. Once you go Bach, you never go back… to other reality dating shows. Except maybe Love in the Wild! It’s like chimps mating in a jungle and competing to visit zoos around the world.

Moving on, last night’s episode starts where last week’s rose ceremony ended. There’s a clear divide between fans and failures favorites, or more specifically, Ericka Rose versus Dave and the twins. Who would have thought Ericka Rose’s whining could be overcast by twins banging heads. And then they cry, and cry, and cry. It’s like watching Jerry Springer! Wait, were they on there?

Their first fight of the night, about something I couldn’t figure out (literally I don’t think the source of conflict was ever named), ended when one turned to the other and apologetically said: “I would have never said that if I was sober.” Nope, pretty sure I would have said it… behind your back!

Lindzi: “Every guy’s fantasy is twins, but I don’t think they’ve met these twins, yet. Except for maybe Chris, who has set the bar pretty low post-marriage.”

Hatchet Face: “GOD THEY’RE DUMB!” Yes, Hatchet Face, and you’re fugly!

Next day, Harry Sonsofbitches arrives to tell the sluts they better be prepared to dance for a dolla.

Sarah: “Out walk these little tiny gymnasts that are doing positions I couldn’t even do in the bedroom if I wanted to, but I’m still going to try.”

In honor of the summer Olympics, the contestants are to perform rhythmic gymnastics in a “not very dude-like” fashion.

Chubster knows she can’t look graceful in this competition. Maybe it was the fact that she tried to high kick in a dress, but instead looked like an epileptic having a seizure. She might as well hop into a potato sack and tumble down the hill.

As the twelve-year-old instructors try to teach the contestants, Stag and the other men embrace their inner ballerina, while the women start tying each other up and doing the “butt roll.” If you’ve seen Ericka Rose’s lard ass roll around once, you know what I’m talking about it.

Sarah says the ribbon twirling is all about the wrist. Of course she’d know that because of all the handies she’s been passing out. Donna thinks she has a “leg up on the girls,” but I didn’t think this was a muff-diving competition. Not to be forgotten, David is whippin’ it because he knows that if he seems like less of a cock block the more likely he’ll be able to stick around. Hear that Ed?!

Once it’s time to perform, the contestants have to squeeze into kid-size unitards, which proves a challenge for some, like Ericka Rose, who wants to take her ribbon, tie it around her neck, and hang herself with it. Something tells me she won’t be hanging for long.

Reid fears his manhood is at stake, so he says, and I quote: “I just have to put that away and forget about it… and then I got excited.”

The women will perform first, and Jamie is confident she will nail it because that’s been her plan all along—to nail it. Likewise, Sarah is checking out all the men’s packages to decide which one she’ll bang first. Clearly, it won’t be Reid.

The judges appear—Ashley and JP and an Olympic medalist. Not Shawn Johnson, so it makes no difference! Donna feels threatened by Blakeley’s pole-dancing abilities athleticism—something Kalon would probably agree with. He’s astonished by every other female’s performance since naturally women are raised to excel at shopping and gymnastics. Well what about you then, Kalon? I bet you’re an expert at building Lego forts and touching your pee-pee.

When the women have concluded running in circles, Mike equates their train-wreck performance to something worse than a pre-school dance recital.  Next up—the nuthuggers gentlemen! “Butterflies and rainbows!” Wait, I didn’t see Chris Harrison flitting around out there.

Donna wants Michael to tie her up with his ribbons and dance around her. Sounds like something a gay man would do at a Renaissance faire… in tights.

Once the results are tallied, and by this I mean Ashley and JP’s votes are void, that gymnast who obviously didn’t qualify for this year’s Olympics decides that Ericka Rose and Ed were the worst and Bllakeley—who can’t wait to go on a date with Chris, who is simultaneously praying aloud to God—and Mike—it will probably take him until Bachelor Pad 6 to realize he really wants to find love with another dude—were the best in show.

Afterward, Donna confesses to Jamie that she is obsessed with Michael, i.e. she has posters of him over her bed. She tries to convince him to take her on the date by deep-throating the horse cock of all bananas.

Ericka Rose—I thought she was planning to commit suicide?—begs the Stag to take her on his date, but apparently he wasn’t wearing his gay BFF hat. He wanted to make a love connection, so he picked the three manliest women he could find— What? You don’t think Donna was once Donald before the sex change?—and then asks if they want to shower with him before they go. Who’s gonna drop the soap first?

Cut to Ericka Rose and her I’m-pissed-at-yet-another-person-for-not-making-me-the-center-of-attention rant. The Stag, his two hookers and Lindzi leave to go to Vegas some po-dunk theater with their names on the marquee. Some musicians are crooning like a Lifehouse cover band as the trannies fight over who gets to sword fight with Mike.

Mike: “Donna’s great, but I want to explore Rachel’s mouth with my tongue.”

Back at the house, the Virgin Harry Ryan makes a cake for his partner and birthday girl Jamie. I guess if you won’t eat her muffin, then you bake her something equally moist. Jamie wasn’t having it, especially after he started vacuuming up that sushi like a wannabe rug-muncher. “Like a Virgin” tells Madonna that Chris wants to stay with Blakeley, to which she responds, “Papa don’t preach//I’m in trouble deep.”

On their group date, Michael spends most of the night making out with Rachel, until Donna decides she’ll do anything to get the rose. I thought for sure we’d see her on her knees, but instead she used her obsessive compulsive disorder to sketch a very lifelike drawing of Michael… or Slimer. You decide!

Because of her artistic abilities, Michael wants to encourage Donna’s infatuation by slamming her against a wall and teasing her lips with Rachel’s herpes.

At the mansion, Chris is sweet-talking Jamie right out of her morals. Jamie: “When you’re my partner, I’ll kiss you all I want.” Five seconds later… mouth intercourse.

At the end of his group date, Michael has to decide which woman brought him back from the gay side. Donna feels like she will die if she gets the rose. Buuuut Rachel gets it and Donna’s still breathing, so I guess that’s not going to happen.

Meanwhile, some whippersnappers are conspiring at the mansion, and by conspiring I’m referring to the shit spewing from Chris’s mouth. Chris: “Obviously Blakeley’s got something for me, or two funthings for me. We just have to solidify the alliance, and by solidify I mean caulk her vortex of doom… with my peen… before it spirals out of control.”

And then this –

Jamie: “I sense that Chris and Blakeley are having difficulties with whatever relationship they have. Chris really wanted to spend the night together, so… {GASP} I sleep on the top bunk above Blakeley, and there is Chris. I’m just going to quietly weep and creepily watch them with envy until someone climaxes like the end of a movie.”

Jamie climbed up into her bunk and cried herself to sleep. Which is worse, you ask. Trying to have a good cry while people below are banging it out or trying to get some while the person above you is wailing like a Hurricane Katrina?

The next morning, Blakeley wants to see how Chris liked her punani, but Chris insists it was just a kiss. Sure, just a kiss on her vagina lips sang Lady Antebellum. NOT!

Anyway, it’s Blakeley’s turn for a group date; she has to pick three guys to make it “racy.” Since there’s no African American or Asian men—unless you count Ryan as a mix of somethings—she picks Chris (who “would love to cum”), Ed (who fists pumps), and Dave (who poops his pants).

Their date is a soapbox derby event, or as Emily Maynard calls it—the place where little Ricki was conceived. Here, they get to decorate their cars. Chris names his “Bliss” for Blakeley + Chris… or what he’s feeling from all the free handies he’s gettin’ in the house, in the hot tub, on the patio. Ed wants be creative and different, and since he’s in a pickle with an automatic vote against him from the challenge, he makes his car a pickle. Could be a metaphor for his penis but ABC went with the former idea instead. Lastly, Dave’s car is the rose; he might as well have broken into tears and begged for it.

Dave says he’s going to take the other guys out “from the rear.” Somewhere, Mike is wishing he made that joke. Rising to the occasion, Ed’s pickle wins it by a tip nose. Blakeley presents him with his trophy and lures the men back to the Bachelor/Bachelorette’s pad, where they hop into a jiz-free hot tub.

Dave plays to Blakeley’s vulnerability, essentially calling her a loser on her season. He says he only has one thing to offer her— his peen vote. Afterward, Blakeley and Chris talk, and Chris says he wants to be in an 8×8 storage room with her where he can club her like a baby seal. For all intents and purposes, Blakeley is the Freddy Krueger in Chris’s nightmare.

When it’s time to present the rose, Blakeley oozes her appreciation to Dave, and just when he’s about to blow his joyful load on her crochet sweater, the black widow slowly, and somewhat awkwardly, turns and offers the rose to none other than Chris. Dave goes limp.

Afterward, the gang heads back to the mansion where sheer debauchery ensues. Chris sprays Dave in the face… with a bottle of champagne. Jamie grinds up on desperate-for-any-action-this-season Ericka Rose, who then proceeds to make out with Donna. In another room, a bunch of women, including Lindzi, have climbed into bed with Kalon; and in the pool/hot tub, Michael is flirtatiously asking Rachel if she’ll take it up the butt, while Dave is actually penetrating one of the twins.

Inside, hehehehehe, Blakeley can be heard saying she “hearts my teammate” while hugging Chris. I know this because I had to rewind it five times because it sounded like “I heart my peen-y” in a croaky old witch’s voice.

And who could forget about Ed, who cannot resist showing off his cup. “Have you tasted victory?” Well, we know Sarah has. “FLYING PICKLE!” Yeah, buddy!

At approximately an hour and twenty-two minutes into the show, I got a headache… thanks to the twins whose re-donk-u-lous arguments made no sense. Something about I don’t want to be your partner, waah, you don’t listen, waah, I’m such a whore, waah, I have my period, WAAAAH, I wanna leave!

Donna heard a cock rooster, which meant she wanted to get some sleep, and Hatchet face’s ears began bleeding gallons of blood. It was a mess!

Twin 1: “I really wanna kill myself right now!

Twin 2: “Then do it!”

Michael says he’s met a lot of people on the planet, and he can’t believe how quickly the twins go from being best friends/dressed identical/love each other/ohmigod/sister to I hate you/you’re el diablo! Clearly, he’s never had a sister!

From the couch, where Lindzi’s giving Kalon a handy, the twin’s argument seems entertaining. The twin who humped Dave says her goodbyes to him while he’s yawning, half asleep. FINALLY, they leave of their own free will. “Yelling isn’t helping” should be their coined phrase.

When Dave wakes up, the girls tell him the twins went home, and he is DEVASTATED! Dude, trust me, the Situation felt the same way. WINK!

Proceeding to the rose ceremony, Mike makes it clear that he’s the winner and everyone, including Dave, knows Dave is going home, but Kalon wants to shake things up. He lubes up Lindzi’s vagina with his slimy tongue and sends her to manipulate others to send home the man who puts the pussy on the pedestal—Ryan.

That shit spreads like herpes wildfire, until Ed calls Reid a little bitch for listening in on his conversation… 50 feet away. At this point, Reid wants to circumcise Ed’s pickle, so he goes to the chick that both of them shagged. No, not Jillian! Sarah, who’s having a post-coital meltdown! Ed can’t believe it. It’s a complete “mind-blow”, which, coincidentally, is the same move Sarah made the previous night. “I feel so guilty. I turned on someone I hooked up with in this house. I’m so mad at myself.” How could she? After everything he didn’t do for her!

In the end, the Material Girl is the swing vote—Ed, “the least best” of Jillian’s possible suitors, or Ryan, a guy who makes the Jonas brothers look horny. Sarah is hysterically crying and breaking out in hives. One by one, the men get their roses, but it’s Ryan who leaves with nothing but his virginity. The Queen of Pop says now she’s a free soul. Poor Ryan! He seemed like a good guy, a real devout Christian, caught in the crosshairs of Jamie’s burning bush. Well, maybe he’ll have a shot at the sequel to that Steve Carrell flick. Until next time… remember to scrub your genitals!

Posted in Bachelor Mondays | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Sometimes I pee my pants

Posted by emzkbd on July 24, 2012

From the fairytale to the fans versus former floozies, another summer session of Bachelor Pad is upon us. Not only do the contestants get another shot at love, but they also get to forsake their dignity and fight for $250,000. Once again, I know who the final two couples are and how the final four couples shake out, with the exception of the winners, who will be announced when the show airs live in September, hopefully along with a Bachelor announcement (Go Sean!).

Chris Harrison couldn’t be more excited this go-around, probably hoping to scam on a vulnerable vixen. In case Bachelor fans forgot, the host with the most Prozac familiarizes us with some of this season’s contenders.

Who could forget Chris—the one with anger management issues? Chris is playing it cool like he should have been Emily Maynard’s fiancée so this time no one, and nothing, will keep him from winning. I’m talking to you, Blakeley’s fun-bags. Chris says he wants to meet Lindzi from Ben Flajnik’s season.

Lindzi, however, just wants to get back in the saddle. Is this going to be her mantra every season? Clearly she’s looking for a good ride.

Next up is Reid, who I shamelessly stalked on the internet after Jillian Harris’s season because he’s a realtor. I wanted him to sell me a house or let me move into his. Reid detests Ed, who Jillian picked after denying Reid twice. This time, Reid doesn’t want Ed messin’ with his game. Payback is a bitch, Reid, and if the previews suggest anything, it’s probably who ends up with Ed.

What ain’t so bitch? Having two of this biggest terds reppin’ Chi-town. First Chris and now Ed, who admits there WAS some truth to those tabloids, which reported he had cheated on Jillian after the show ended. What a goon—blaming it on the media hoopla! This time, though, he hopes to win the money, and maybe an ad spot with Valtrex.

Someone else who’s probably seen a lot of warts? Blakeley, who left modeling to become a waxer. I’m sure an aesthetician does not even fall into the same salary bracket as a stripper. Poor Blakeley says she loves Jaclyn—who will here forth be known as Hatchet Face—but Jaclyn actually calls them “frenemies.”

Last but not least, Kalon is pretty sure America hates him for speaking his mind. Kalon hopes to ruin our frickin’ summer, but I have a feeling he will make it quite entertaining.

During last season, the show promoted the possibility of fans versus their favorites, and all of my girlfriends urged me apply. Well, I didn’t want to take off my top, make out with my sister, or drone on about finding love. But here’s who DID make the cut:

Paige – Ohmigod, OMG, oh-em-jee, looks like we have a stage two clinger on our hands. See, she’s already doing her research on Chris. “Yahahahahaha you’re my partner. When I see everyone, I’m gonna pee my pants, which has happened before.” Well, if things work out for her, maybe she can market Depends to the twenty-something crowd.

SWAT – I didn’t care to learn his real name. He likes to put on his jammy-wammies, pour a glass of wine, and masturbate to The Bachelor. Anyone else creeped out by this guy, hand in pants, spankin’ it to Emily?

Donna – She claims to be the biggest Bachelor fan, but I think her REAL claim to fame will be to out-bounce Blakeley’s boobies. Like most women in America, she’s also obsessed with the Stag, hates Holly, and intends to challenge Blakeley to a pole dance-off in bikinis.

David – I think he thought he was applying to be the next castmate on Jersey Shore, but oh wait, the twins already did that.

Brittany and Erica – A virgin and a whore—they’ll fit right in; then again, with their ugly faces and speech impediments, they’ll also stand out as the first white trash contestants.

So now it’s time to throw them all together. Everyone starts to arrive at the whore house mansion. Chris says he hopes to heal from his breakup with Emily and use the “L” word sparingly this season. Lindzi arrives with enough cheek stain to be mistaken for an Indian squaw. All she needs is some fringed animal hide, a feather and a papoose! Oh yeah, and how about a horse?

Before he forgets his name, Ed chats with Chris Harrison and tells him he packed those short green shorts. Upon hearing that, I’m sure America mistook Chris’ pallor for arousal. Inside, Lindzi can’t stop talking about horses—she can’t decide which stallion she wants to bridle—and Ed is trying to control his raging boner from Rachel to Sarah, who couldn’t tell the difference between Brad Womack and his twin. I’m pretty sure that’s all she’s known for. Ryan also has had little face time; he’s a 32-year-old virgin in a 64-year-old (sober) man’s body.

Shortly thereafter, Reid and Ed have some (sexual) tension. Must have been those shorts! Wink! You think those made you cringe, wait until you see Hatchet Face, who hates her Fakeley frenemy so much it hurts. Tony arrives; no one cares. Hatchet and Rachel are too busy trash-talkin’ Blakeley—she talks in baby voices, she’s not an intelligent person, she’s not a normal person, her personality (and cleavage) is IN YOUR FACE. Yep, sounds like a stripper to me! I think she wore that outfit so she could take it off… slowly!

Later, the champion Mike Stagliano returns. The Stag just can’t score the lead as The Bachelor, so he’s going to re-submit his app to Bachelor Pad until he’s engaged to someone. Take that Holly! Ericka Rose is also back… for her third straight season. She says she knows Kalon from the Houston social scene, and she admits to selling him out to the tabloids. That’s funny! I don’t remember seeing any nude Kalon pics. She also equates him to Christian Bale in American Psycho. So again, does that mean we’ll be seeing him naked soon? Maybe flexing while thrusting in front of a mirror?? Ericka says Kalon makes fun of her appearance, which she’s worked really hard to perfect— nipping, tucking, sucking, plucking, plumping, etc.

While Ericka is bashing Kalon, Sarah is whining about putting in her time and putting out for other alums (ahem, Reid), so she deserves to be there. She also thinks the fans are going to sniff their underwear because that’s the first thing I’d want to do if I met the Stag. Dogs know what they’re doing!

Now it’s time for the fans to arrive. Donna is a squealer, which means I’m sure we’ll know it’s her under the covers. SWAT has a crush on Chris Harrison (he takes a picture), and Paige crushes on the other Chris (the Stag, standing nearby, runs for the hills). When the twinsies arrive in matching outfits, Ericka Rose declares there’s only room for one set of twins… and she meant Blakeley’s.

As the night continues, Tony shows off his kid, and Ed shows off his future kids… or at least where they’ll come from. Even Chris Harrison was shocked (or turned on) by Ed in his skivvies, until he wanted to drown him in the pool.

Chris Harrison magically appears to tell them the first competition is the following day, and as Stag put it, everyone freaked out—ohmigod, who’s my partner?

Reid: Would you be my partner?

Paige: Yes, I’d love to be your partner.

Reid: Ok {walks away}.

He said it was easy to remember—read the page… Reid/Paige.  Meanwhile, Blakeley tagged Chris as her partner, or threatened to donkey punch him in the throat if he said no. I think Chris has met his match. Hatchet Face ended up with Michael Phelps Ed. “It’s not a hot tub… it’s a cold tub!” That’s quite an observation!

At the first challenge, the couples have to balance in tilting hearts.  No surprise Ericka Rose fell first; once a fatty, always a fatty. In the end, David and the twins won the first challenge, putting a huge target on their backs; although I think walking in the door actually sealed their fate. The three of them get a romantic date, during which I’m sure David fantasized about threesome. Not sure how that Eiffel Tower would work. David compares their carnival date to all previous Bachelor/Bachelorette dates, including skinny-dipping like Ben and Courtney. If I had to guess, I’d say it was the virgin who swam in her bikini.

Back at the house, Blakeley pees on Chris, thereby marking her territory, but the fire hydrant wanders off in search of a lap dance. Just because they paired up, doesn’t mean the guys aren’t going to see if the grass is greener. Hatchet Face informs “I-don’t-want-him-distracted-by-boobs” Blakeley that Jamie is using her sex to reel in Chris.

In turn, Miss Ironic goes on a witch hunt and catches Chris and Jamie canoodling. Without further ado, she has a meltdown, screaming, “But I told you I liked you,” which Chris somehow couldn’t relate to. Blakeley continues her tantrum, saying the money isn’t worth it. What did you expect? Patty-cake and Pretty Pretty Princess?

The next day, everyone is strategizing who to send home, and David marks Ericka Rose and Nick as targets, since they already have a vote against them for their poor display in the challenge. As a result, Ericka bawls like a five year old then takes the high road by calling David an ugly loser who shouldn’t even be there.

Rose ceremony time! “I know that guy!” That would be the rainbow-pooping Chris Harrison himself, clinking his champagne flute and scoping out the hunnies for his own private hose ceremony in the cold tub.

Paige think she found Prince Charming. But the Stag tells Reid that the guys are pitching tents for double D-Donna and plan to vote off prim and prudish Paige, cutting her fairytale short. So Reid goes on a crusade to save his damsel. Everyone is scattering, panicking, fuming, and Kalon is telling everyone what they want to hear.

If only SWAT had taken his ego out of the equation and voted for Ericka Rose, then maybe he and Paige and SWAT would still be here next week. But who am I kidding? The fans don’t stand a chance!

By the way, I love how Chris Harrison scooted off in Kalon’s Porsche, giggling like a teenage boy on ‘shrooms. Sayonara, muthafucka!

Posted in Bachelor Mondays | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Love potion number nein

Posted by emzkbd on July 23, 2012

That’s German for “no.” {shakes head}

Tonight was the premiere of Bachelor Pad 3, but before we get to that (tomorrow), I need to phase out Emily’s season. Since I knew who she chose and how things went down, I didn’t watch the live finale… only because I was driving back from St. Louis, but I was thisclose to convincing my boyfriend to watch it with me. I’ll get him one of these days… then maybe he can be a fan competing on Bachelor Pad 4.

Anyway, last night Emily pretended she didn’t know who she would choose, but let’s face it, Jef’s been a front runner from the start. Like Jesse Csincsak, the quirky guys who start as friends tend to stand out with the Bachelorettes.

Emily’s family, including little Ricki, arrive in Curacao. Emily isn’t sure if she wants the guys to meet her indentured servant. Her family, minus Ricki, meet Jef first, who admitted his family was skeptical about the process, mainly because Emily didn’t fit the mold of the other sister wives in their clan.

Emily’s mom says she loved Brad, but I’m sure that was because of his affluent assets.  Emily’s brother also has a few things to say, but I was distracted because he looks like “Jaws” from the Roger Moore James Bond films. He’s not very animated but he is somewhat intimidating, and he talks out the side of his mouth like the Jaws character might do.  

From one steel jaw to the next, Jef asked Emily’s father’s permission to marry her, and because Jef has a multi-million dollar company with investments hidden in his pompadour, he agreed.

Next up, Arie meets the fam but endures a lot of awkward pauses. Clearly, this family has had enough of the interview process. “Oh you’re a race car driver? Been there, done that.”

Not sure who he’s wooing, Arie gives Emily’s family the roses that she presented him. Sort of ironic that one of the final two would give BACK the roses, and I’m sure her family was like, “Uh, that’s an odd bouquet of flowers. Maybe we can sell them on eBay to fans of the show since you’re not sticking around.”

Arie confesses he misses his ex’s kids right before he asks for Emily’s hand. Dude obviously doesn’t have his priorities straight. “Sure, you can marry my daughter, and feel free to adopt your ex’s kids while you’re at it.” He feels confident that the next time he sees her family he’ll be engaged… in a hand party maybe… while watching her live televised wedding to Jef.

Afterward, Emily’s dad tells her that she can’t really be in love with two people, but I love my boyfriend AND Channing Tatum so I think he’s wrong. Emily’s mom also thinks she should wait on an engagement… wouldn’t want Kim K.’s wedding fallout.

Now’s the hard part! Emily and her mini-me have to decide what to order from room service. Then Emily has her last date with Jef, and all we hear is love, love, love, lovelovelove. Jef really wants to meet Ricki,  and he knows how to turn the tables—he asks Emily how she’d feel in his shoes, and she says it would be weird. This wears her down, and she agrees to let him meet Ricki. So they admire Ricki’s swimming skills, watch crabs, play with puppets—all natural bonding experiences.

Later, Emily tells Jef that Ricki wants to see him again. It must be weird to have a crush on your future step dad! Emily and Jef make out a little bit, and then Jef gives her a book about Curacao, in which he drew creepy little stick figures. Then he confesses what he really wants: “Emily knows I like to mess around and have fun.” With that Emily sends him and his blue balls off to bed.

An interesting part of the finale? Chris Harrison’s interruptive screen time, live in studio, pulling a Maury Povich. Let’s ask the audience what they think of Jef. Blah blah blah… we’re all experts on what’s best for Emily. I enjoyed the one viewer’s response: “I hope she picks Arie, so the rest of America can have Jef.” I hope I’m number 69!

The next morning, in Curacao time, Emily meets with Mr. Harrison because he really is the subject matter expert on getting dumped. Emily knows she wants Jef, but she feels so bad letting Arie go. She’s about to pull an Ali—she knows she can’t go any further with Arie. To make things most awkward, Arie arrives first for their doomed date and meets a local voodoo woman who will show him how to make a love potion. Too bad this is the movie version with Sandra Bullock! Arie could have pulled a Tate Donovan, sabotaged her wine glass, and kissed her until he tasted the sweat of a mule.

Well Arie did show her the love potion, and he starts to get sexy with her. That’s nice! But Emily is only stalling, trying to hold back the flood gates. After numerous sobs, she admits he’s not the one even though she thought he would be the whole time.

Of all the breakups, I’ll give ABC this—Arie’s reaction is the most raw and probably the most dramatic. The only other guy that came close was Ben with Ashley. Arie wishes her good luck, says he doesn’t know what to say, and thought he knew what she wanted but he was wrong. A gracious and honest exit overall!

After Arie’s parting words in the vehicle, the audience appears comatose, like a graveyard of viewers. Chris Harrison: “The toughest breakup I think I’ve ever seen on this show… clearly deeply affected everyone here in our studio audience.” Or did you just sedate them?

Returning from commercial, Chris speaks with Ashley and JP who empathize with Emily and Arie, Deanna who commends Emily’s actions, Mike Stag who confirms Arie could be a future contender on Bachelor Pad 4, and Ashley Spivey… well I don’t really know WHY she was there.

The next day in Curacao, Emily is getting ready and dreaming about Jef. Meanwhile, Jef is picking out Emily’s ring with Neil Lane and dreaming about Emily. These two can’t wait to get naked.

So without further ado, twenty four hours after the fact, Jef and Emily get engaged, and sure maybe that pause was “Do I really want to do this again?” but she couldn’t pull a Womack, not this late in the game. I guess only time will tell. And what happened to “My Heart Will Go On”? Instead, we get Peter Cetera’s “Glory of Love”. Why do I always feel like we’re back in the 70’s, 80’s or 90’s with these songs?

During the ATFR, Emily insults Neil Lane, saying the ring means nothing and she’d rather have a piece of tape around her finger. No, take this hideous $68,000 ring away from me. Later, Arie recounts his pain from the breakup but says watching it helped him cope. That and the thought that maybe all that grooming will earn him the coveted role of The Bachelor.

Arie also confesses he flew to North Carolina after the show wrapped, intending to see Emily, but changed his mind about seeing her when he got there. Instead, he left his journal for Emily to read. Emily has it—still in its packaging—and Arie looks pissed. After all, if she’d just read it with all its creepy sexual undertones, I’m sure she would have gone crawling back. Emily says she encouraged Arie to keep a journal but she couldn’t read it out of respect for Arie and Jef because it wouldn’t have changed anything. Again, Arie wishes she had just been direct and said don’t put your peen in my face.

Last but not least, we learn Jef and Arie are still butt buddies, but Jef prefers Emily’s butt so he’s moving to Charlotte. The End

Posted in Bachelor Mondays | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Threesome starring Arie’s rubdown, Sean’s man key, and Jef’s wooden puppet

Posted by emzkbd on June 26, 2012

First off, I apologize for my absence last week. I realized I missed a captivating re-cap about a dude whose emotions shattered more than his egg named Shelly, an egomaniac who was none other than SHOCKED by Emily’s decision to send him off without any trophy, and buff men in skirts seeing how far they can pitch their wood. Oh yeah, and that surprise rose ceremony where she chose to save both Wolf and Doug from the shitter, only to flush ‘em out this week. Sorry, but this bachelorette had her own one-on-one date to attend! I don’t see nothing wrong… with a little bump and grind.

Anyway, Emily can’t seem to get enough of the “olden” European cities, so she continues to bore us with a jaunt to Prague. Anyone else think Emily, walking around the city contemplating her future make-outs, looked like a confused American tourist? “Excuse me, has anyone seen an insanely large production crew?” Oh no, you wouldn’t have because they’re got this season on lockdown right to the final three. This has actually been the first time in the last handful of season’s where I, too, am guessing who it could be, and probably like you, I change my mind on a daily basis.

Back on track, Chris holds another orientation in some random town square where no one could find them. Why does he stand so far away? Does he have a cold? I feel like I’m watching the The Amazing Race, and every dude is about to bolt in search of a rose. Instead, Phil sends them in search of their hotel.

Like always, we have the obligatory “Here we are in such-and-such,” “Man, I can’t take this anymore,” “That dude is totally not right for her,” and/or “I’m totally getting a one-on-one ‘cause of my boyish good looks.” That one would be Jef, who sounds like he’s waiting for Emily to sign the adoption papers.

And in comes the first date card, and naturally these grown men starting cooing like a bunch of six-year-old girls. Time for Arie to have another run at Emily’s vagina!

On their one-on-one, like most of her dates, Emily has come prepared with her guide book. I feel like she also has one of those passport holders strapped under her shirt like Jamie had in Eurotrip. “Frommer’s says…”

More from Tour Guide Emily later; right now, Arie is clearly too optimistic to find some who speaks English. He also thinks he and Emily could get married in a giant cathedral—yeah, sure, not unless you’re the prince of England, bub!

Moving on, Emily wants to see how Arie rubs his statue. Lots of chafing ensues…

When the show first came back from commercial, I thought Chris was going to tell us that Arie jerked it so much, he succumbed to a tragic, unexpected demise. Instead, he wanted to tell us about Arie and his secret sexual relationship with that really unattractive girl who shouldn’t be on camera. Ever. Again. I thought a troll was attacking Emily. Eeek!

During this interlude, Chris isn’t wearing his ring so he can bang lots of bitches while filming the Bach Pad, but later at the rose ceremony, it’s back on. This was before the news broke, and he was trying to convince America that he wasn’t a playa. Don’t hate his game! Sloppy seconds are better than contaminated quatros.

The rest of Emily and Arie’s date consists of Emily trying to manipulate Arie into divulging the details of incestuous affair, but he’s more interested in revisiting that rubdown on the bridge. However, he does confess to being a moron, at least in so many words. Tattooing someone’s name on your body can never be justified, even if it’s in memoriam. What happens if you die in some freak accident that burns your face off beyond recognition and all that’s left is that name. Then you’re labeled as an already dead person. No way am I going down in history as “Grandma.”

Apparently, there was an off-camera discussion where Arie didn’t feel it was a big deal. Well that doesn’t make for good TV. Cut to the post-fake conversation where Emily is fine and dandy believes everything Arie says.

Arie tells us he thinks about Emily all the time while rubbing his weiner. Emily is flattered and practically hands him her plane ticket to meet his family. To seal the deal, Arie breaks out the big guns—I love you. This guy is fast like the cars he drives. No, Emily, this guy doesn’t “throw around the ‘L’ word.” He just tattoos girlfriends’ names on his body.

Arie: “After that firework display, I totally wanna marry Emily… and rub one out.”

Next one-on-one is doomed from the get-go. When you’re in the final six, and your relationship’s described as a slow start, you might as well load your own suitcase in the limo.

During their date, Emily plays it cool and sits as far away from John as she can. Don’t want to give him the wrong idea when you send him packing. She also looked like she wanted to shake free of his hand.

Making another appearance, Tour Guide Emily reappears to explain the Lennon wall and the lock fence, where John can’t close the lock. Clearly, an obvious metaphor for where these two are headed—the dungeon. Although, I think Emily hinted it was like their relationship. No, really? Didn’t see that one coming!

Meanwhile, in the hotel, Chris develops a drinking problem while obsessing about his dwindling relationship with Emily.

Down in the dungeon, Emily needs John to go deeper; he’s only given her the tip, and clearly she wants the whole package. So, to win over any girl, John starts talking about his exes, and how he once freaked out when one didn’t return his calls. He contacted hospitals and prisons… because in the three days his ex turned her phone off, she was convicted of a felony and PUT AWAY. I think you meant a jail buddy!

John: “I think if you met my parents you’d turn your phone off, too.”

Emily: “Aww, that’s so sweet.”

John returns to the guys, and first thing, all the men want to know about how it was making out with their girlfriend. “Oohs” and “Aahs” ensue. John also mentions that Emily just dropped him off at the hotel, and before Arie can convince his ex-girlfriend producer for more alone time with Emily, Sean races out the building on a desperate mission to find her. It’s almost like the end of a romantic movie except Sean looks sorta crazy and pathetic. And Emily’s walking the streets like a two-bit hooker. Quite the setup! Emily is so glad she did what the producers told her to so that she could make-out with Sean… in the bar… and then the alley… and next thing you know they’re drying humping against a building and the producers are telling them that they can’t air that on ABC—owned by Disney.

I wonder what the other guys thought of Sean’s random exit. He had to give them some sort of excuse: “Pardon me, fellas, I need to clean my pipes. It’ll probably take a couple hours, ‘cause the steroids keep me real horny.”

The next day, or so it seems, Doug wishes he were on the group date with his kid because what could be more romantic?! I’m sure Kalon could give you a few examples that don’t include kids, skirts, or hide-and-seek.

Doug claims he’s old fashioned, but his actions suggest he’s into dudes. How did he ever impregnate a chick?! He is misreading everything, including the words coming out of Emily’s mouth. She’s trying to tell him goodbye, and he thinks she’s panting for his peen. When she finally spells it out for him, all he’s got is: “Have a good one! Toodles!” Once in the limo, dude had more tears than the rain in the sky.

From group date to two-on-one, Emily gives the guys keys for their alone.

Sean: “That’s a big key… that’s a man key!” See, I knew he had a big peen, and it can unlock my box any day.

Meanwhile, Chris should be contemplating therapy for his anxiety. At least he told Emily he was crazy… errrr, going crazy with the lust in his pants! Chris: “Can we make out now? MMM, tastes like Sean.”

Then, Emily has to decide who gets the group date rose but why even bother? She was preaching to Arie about rudeness, but then she makes it super-awkward for Chris. At that point, Chris should have left because he’s clearly not going to top Sean unless he’s got a ten pound cock that emits supersonic orgasms.

Rounding out the dates, Bieber gets the final one-on-one. He tells Emily he once had an Afro, but I can’t imagine it being any bigger than his blowout. And forget CEO of a bottled water company! Jef could puppeteer a string Michael Jackson show.

Emily’s doll: “Omigod, I wanted to ride it… your skateboard, tee hee! Oh no, he’s about to kiss me. Let’s go inside… my VAGINA!”

I can tell you one thing: Jef sure knows how to handle his wooden puppet. In all honesty though, his puppet show was cuter than a puppy in a Pixar film.

Later, Jef tells Emily he broke up with a girl because his parents didn’t like her. Emily panics, realizing she has something in common with his exes—guys have broken up with her because she had a kid. Isn’t that right, Womack?

Awww, Beauty and the Bouffant in the library! And just like the fairytale, kids run screaming from his beastly hair.

Before the date ends, Jef confesses he wanted kids, like, yesterday, but the truth is he might have been telling the truth, since he comes to us with Mormon affiliations.

During the rose ceremony, Chris is stressing because he thinks he didn’t “bring it” on the group date, but I thought he brought a whole lot of f-bombs to the party. So we couldn’t see Chris’s full-on rant, but we could watch as Sean cleaned Emily’s mouth with his tongue??

At this point, Emily doesn’t have any reservations about her decision to eliminate one guy. Newly single Chris Harrison tells the guys of this, and thinks-he’s-soon-to-be-single Chris shits his pants. In the other corner, John gloats like he just sniffed the stripper’s Emily’s panties; that’s because she arrived in her white trash evening wear seen here.

Before she can hand out the last rose, Chris interrupts Emily to lay it on the line: “I’m not really Gerard Butler. I’m just his look-alike.”

Emily appreciates his honesty: “Well, I was gonna give Chris the rose anyway, but after our little chat, I just had to come back so I could watch John wipe that shit-eating grin off his face. I just can’t be with a guy who doesn’t know the difference between a prison and a jail. Every tour guide knows that!”

And with that, Chris practically high-fives the other guys: “Final Four, baby!”

Posted in Bachelor Mondays | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Compromise is for man-whores

Posted by emzkbd on May 29, 2012

Well, The Bachelorette is in full bloom, but there’s a few roses… err posts… missing from my bouquet. I apologize for missing the first two episodes, but both nights I was on vacation. I have since had the opportunity to play catch up with our suitors and sniff around for some dirt on these guys and the season’s outcome as it has already finished taping, but alas my source—www.RealitySteve.com—does not have the spoilers. So I’m confined to knowing the final three, including who exits at number 4, but I’m clueless on the rest of the guys’ exits. Am I happy with how it dwindles down? For the majority, yes! Do I think she’ll end up with the right guy? 67% Yes, but we’ll see. There’s still a lot I don’t know and a probable chance a lot will hit the tabloids with a villain who potentially surpasses Courtney.

I’ve decided I’m not going to waste time backtracking. If you’re reading this blog, there’s a good chance you already watch the show and now how things have unraveled. Fortunately, I think episode 2 was rather boring, other than Joe’s exit which was rather shady. Why? My theory is that more than a few of these guys aren’t on the show for the right reasons, perhaps more so than in previous seasons. While they may not have girlfriends back home, they’ve certainly been canoodling. Otherwise, they’re looking for their 15 minutes to boost their careers, they hope to land on Bachelor Pad where they can hook up with previous bachelorettes, or they hope to earn the most coveted role of next season’s Bachelor. Whichever ulterior motive they possess, it’ll come out—on the show or in the mags. So let’s get to last night’s show!

Emily’s feeling pretty pampered when her indentured servant arrives with her breakfast in bed. “Hi, Mama!” Meanwhile her “baggage” is camera shy already! You think this kid would be trying to steal the spotlight. Hell, if it had been me, I would be using this opportunity as my audition for the Mickey Mouse Club.

Over at the boy’s mansion, the host with the most and the man vying for The Bachelor: Over 40 Edition, Chris Harrison, announces that only one will have the privilege of making Emily his fiancée… unless she lets two guys propose and feels too bad to turn down one of them.

Chris gets the first one-on-one date. No, not you Mr. Over-the-Rainbow! The one that looks like Gerard Butler!   I don’t think he’s thaaaaaaaaaat cute, but I guess it can’t hurt to resemble a celeb. For their date, Emily and The Phantom climb a building, during which Emily has a panic attack because fan are chanting for her to fall to her death. Okay, so that didn’t happen, but she did throw a temper tantrum. Despite her whining, King Leonidas still wanted to mack on Ms. Maynard. Unfortunately for her, he pussies out once they reach the top and opts for the oh-so-smooth high five.

Later in the date, producers queue the porn star tunes while Emily tells The Bounty Hunter she wouldn’t talk to him in bar… because lots of single moms hang out in bars. Chris doesn’t seem to hear what she’s saying because he’s still fantasizing about their first kiss. Then he confesses he’s only 25, and Emily shits her pants. 25?!?!? “RED FLAG!!! You’re so young, like a whole year younger than me! You have so much to experience, like an unplanned pregnancy and multiple engagements, before I can ever consider you as husband material.”

Back at the pad, and by pad I mean the diaper rag Tony is wearing as he complains about missing his son, the men get the group date card. Dun dun dun…

But before we get there, Chris thinks he can prove he’s a man, so he tells Emily he plans to take 300 men to defeat the Persians… or he just wows her with his doofy dance moves. Most romantic part? No, not Luke Bryan’s nuthuggers. Chris asks Emily if he can kiss her. Word of advice brought to you by Nike: Just do it!

The next day, Emily greets the guys in a park with a football, basically to encourage their boners. Her real plan though is to have her mom-friends assault the men to make them feel extremely uncomfortable. Needless to say those boners went from full mast to tucked away.

They make ‘em dance, do push-ups and confess their cheating ways… I’m looking at you Brazilian Billy Ray Cyrus.   But my favorite part was the striptease performed by sweet, sexy Sean. I’m sure any woman with a pulse would have given him a guided tour of her meat cave after that stunt.

Afterward, Emily unleashes a pack of bloodthirsty children on the men. One thing we know for sure: these guys can fake it. Each of them looks ecstatic when really they’re wishing they were in a hot tub with a MILF. Anyone else find it a tad creepy that these grown men were forced to chase small children around a park? I think that’s illegal SOMEwhere!

One man who manages to escape the criminal activity—the manchild of Sylvester Stone and The Rock.  +  =  However, his actions are not without offense. He basically tells Emily to steer clear of any extra poundage or else he’ll look elsewhere to get his rocks off.

At the evening’s cocktail party, Sean makes our panties melt  while sharing how his parents have influenced his desire to be a husband and father, so it’s no wonder he gets the group date rose. Daddy Doug confesses Emily’s friends are fair game and then pulls an Emily when he tells a sob story. Last but not least, Debbie Downer deflates the room when he tears up over his special needs child. What? The kid thought North Carolina was Nerf Caroline.

Speaking of adolescents, Jef clearly resembles this kid   from Not Another Teen Movie. Not sure which decade he’s living, but clearly, it’s not the present as he confesses to Emily that he has a crush on her. Alright kiddo, time to go rub one out in the bathroom while Daddy Doug convince Tony Danza   to head home. Queue Tony’s baby talk:

Tony: “Do you know I miss you so much?”

Kid: “Yea.”

Tony: “Do you know I love you?”

Kid: “No.”

Tony: “Do you miss me, too?”

Kid: “Not really. Grandma gave me ice cream.”

Tony: “No, I’m Joker and you’re Batman.”

Kid: “Who is this?”

Tony: “Remember, I’m pretending to be your daddy. I love you.”

Kid: “Yea whatever. Bring me something cool.”

Dad wants to find love, and Dad thinks his kid with the pea-sized brain won’t understand that. Listen dude, when you’re kid starts to get erections, he’ll understand. At this point, Emily wants to do something to make him feel better, and dads across America are like “Better be a blow job!”

Emily: “I know how hard it is.”

Tony: “It was a little harder than I expected. And then I talked to him tonight, and I didn’t think it would be that emotional… didn’t touch me that way, but it did.”

Actual quotations. Easy for your mind to fall into the gutter!

Obviously, Emily couldn’t see herself with a man who finds it hard talking to little boys, so she sends Tony back to his little boy where clearly he’d be more happy.

The final date of the episode is Arie, who I couldn’t find attractive if I tried because he looks like my cousin . I guess only my sister would get this one since I’m not going to embarrass him by posting his pic. Emily takes him to Dollywood because he’s undoubtedly a boob man… or just a boob. Arie says all the right things like “Let’s win something for Ricki” and “YAY, Dolly!”

Besides shitting her pants this episode, Emily curds her cheese when Dolly walks out to perform a song. Arie gets the boot so Emily and Dolly make out. Then, I fell asleep and woke up after the commercial to find them STILL in Dollywood and Arie STILL oozing bullshit. Clearly, I do not trust this fellow who flaunts his relationship with his ex’s kids. That and his subtle comment about how racing reminded his ex of her ex and how it all blew up. Hey dummy, you’re dating a chick whose ex raced and his plane essentially blew up. Real smooth! Gotta hand it to Emily though! I bet she had a lot of people fooled when she faked him out with the rose.

The final half hour of the cocktail party are perhaps the most entertaining. Cases in point:

  1. Jude Law   won’t let her get a word in edgewise and then shuts her down. “I love it when you talk, but      I wish you’d let me finish.”
  2. Hawaii Five-0  lets Emily smash his ego, err egg.
  3. Billy Ray won’t be running a Daddy Day Care anytime soon. Not after he confessed to inbreeding and man-whoring. I think this guy needs an English dictionary:

Compromise [kom-pruh-mahyz] noun, verb

i.      A settlement of differences by mutual concessions; an agreement reached by adjustment of conflicting or opposing claims, principles, etc., by reciprocal modification of demands.

ii.      to settle by a compromise

Example: Alessandro is not willing to compromise on the meaning of compromise.

Away goes the Gypsy King and into Sir Arie’s arms she flees!

  1. Again, Sean makes Emily (and all female viewers) weepy. I would let him fertilize my Shellys any day!

And finally, it’s time for another dramatic rose ceremony. Not really, though! Did you see Stevie’s dance moves? More like crap-tastic! He at least could have moonwalked outta that joint! Until next week, when we’re due even more dramz! Forget chick fights! Dick fights are more gory!! Muahahahaha!

Posted in Bachelor Mondays | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »