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Posts Tagged ‘Jennifer Lawrence’

Sex Tie Breaker?

Posted by emzkbd on February 26, 2013

The beginning of the end starts in Thailand. Sean: “These are my last three girls… sex tie breaker?”

Final two

Sean lounges around—literally, in a wifebeater in a hammock—while he recaps his journey with each of the women. Blah, blah, blah. This is when I started drinking! And then it happened—Bachelor Nation Speaks Out via Twitter. One of the first tweets said “Jennifer Lawrence loves The Bachelor“, making Chris Harrison poop more than rainbows.

Sean goes for a swim… to clear his head. I don’t know why he didn’t just spank it. His first date is with Lindsay, and they go to the market. One tweeter says her dad is addicted to the show. Now in my viewing party, almost all the girls chimed in that their dads watch it, too. See future husbands of American women what you have to look forward to in your older age!

Sean and Lindsay sample various foods. Upon watching the season, Lindsay will say: “Why didn’t Sean buy ME an eternity bracelet?” Apparently, Lindsay said she wouldn’t eat bugs, so in true Survivor-fashion, they eat ‘em. Bugs Lindsay looks like she can’t get enough water through her straw. At least her torch won’t be snuffed tonight!

Sean attributes Lindsay to a “high school sweetheart”. Little does he know she’s still in high school. Their date continues on a beach with monkeys. Monkeys Lindsay throws someone’s intestines grapes at ‘em. They proceed to make out for the monkeys. Monkey see, monkey do it—monkey-style!

The date concludes with dinner and a show. Sean asks Lindsay if she’d move to Dallas, and she says yes. But why do the women have to move? Just because he has his own show, they have to pick up and relocate? How pre-feminist movement, Sean!

All of a sudden, dancers emerge with crazy long (fake) fingernails. These chicks are bendy. No wonder men love Asians! Apparently, this put Sean in the mood because he busts out the Fantasy Suite card, and Lindsay doesn’t hesitate. Not sure what they’re going to do, but one tweeter might have it right: “Have praying and fantasy suite ever been used in the same sentence?”

I had to explain the Fantasy Suite to my Bachelor Virgin friend—no, not Sean Lowe! It’s where the Bachelor/ette takes each of his/her final three to talk, make out and seductively clothes the door or draw the shades just as things are getting good. Unless you’re Viena Girardi who throws on lingerie and gets the party started while the cameras are still there!

Lindsay chokes (on a bug?) while trying to tell Sean how she feels about him, but then she catches her second wind and purrs “I love you”. Sean loves hearing her saying that, even though she’s only said it one time.

The next day, AssLee is ready to spend the day with “the love of her life” on a boat. She says she’s like “a schoolgirl in love”. What are with these references? Does Sean have a fetish?

Their destination is the Emerald Cave, and they have to swim through it to get to their private beach. AssLee is scared and wants to ensure they have a “floaty-thing”. Uhhh, I think you’ll be fine—you have two! AssLee brings up her fear of abandonment as if Sean were going to leave her stranded in this cave.

Another tweet says the producers love getting Sean wet this season, but I think their real objective was to get their demographic—ladies age 18-34—wet this season. The camera cuts to a sign written in Thai (presumably)—beware the cave! But in they go! Haven’t you people seen The Descent?! I swore I saw a person in there with them. Or maybe it was just a cameraman creepin’!

AssLee talks about letting go or else “you won’t fall in love”, but if it were me in that cave, I wouldn’t let go of anything! Then they see “the light at the end of the tunnel”! Could it be the end of your relationship? Or is that too much foreshadowing?

Once they emerge, my first thought is “sex on the beach”. Again, if it were me, I’d tell the cameramen to take a hike because that’s once in a lifetime, for sure. Just don’t forget to put a towel or two down.

AssLee says she’s ready to say yes to Sean’s proposal and she doesn’t think there are two more human beings more right for each other. Hmm, I could think of two…

Another dinner date on the beach with these two makes me worry there will be more vocal expressions of affection in the form of screaming. Sean tells her that if he gets down on one knee, it means he will spend the rest of his life with you. Can we hold you to that, Sean?

During this portion of their date, my group of lady-friends was trying to figure out what AssLee’s necklace said. Asshat? Eggnest? Note: Possessionista.com says it’s “gypset” which refers to the “boho, casual California lifestyle.” Ok….

Sean has other things on his mind as he hands AssLee the Fantasy Suite card. He wants her to know what his intentions are—dry-humping like rabbits—without any distractions—all night! AssLee is down with that, but she doesn’t want to cross any boundaries, i.e. no heavy petting. {sad face} Does that mean he’ll have to get her off with a flower like in 40 Days and 40 Nights?

AssLee says she’s going to follow her heart and her heart is telling her she wants to spend time alone with Sean. Suuuuuuure, your heart’s telling you that! Pffft! Then, she drops this gem: “I like a cushion ring with diamonds all the way around on the band, and I think my ring size is 6.5… I definitely know what I want… and that’s more screen time.”

Sean’s third and final date takes him and Catherine on a jug boat, where Catherine plays “queen” of the world. Leo would be proud! Sean loves her weirdness.

Their dialogue continues, and it’s all “I’m a commitment-phobe”, “I haven’t been this vulnerable”, “I get scared”.  Then they backflip into the water, and Sean grabs her ass. My friends and I have determined he’s an ass-man as he’s grabbed a lot of booty in this episode. They get back on the boat and make out in the rain. Catherine says “I’m, like, in the clouds right now” as lightning strikes.

The date progresses to dinner where they enjoy Mai Tais, or as I like to call them “Thai Tais”. Sean asks her what their lives would look like in five years, and Catherine says “I wouldn’t be surprised if a kid was involved.” What are you going to kidnap one? Or are you talking about the annoying neighbor kid who always shows up on your doorstep?

In this midst of this conversation, a tweet pops up that says “Sean wonders if Catherine can settle down and start a family. Her mouth says yes. Her nose piercing says, ‘I’m outta here.’” She is the weirdest person, which makes all this “traditional” talk confusing. What about a nose ring is traditional?

At this time, it’s time to discuss the Fantasy Suite. “Before I even came… in my panties… I was thinking about the Fantasy Suite. There’s no way I would do that. I wouldn’t let myself do that. I wanted to make sure that I was still seen as a lady… not like the whore writing this post.”

Sean: “I love hearing you say that… [I just want] uninterrupted hours of finger-dipping and nob-noshing… just you and me.” Catherine accepts. The two of them depart for the room and their boring night of patty-cake. Catherine confesses she never thought a boy like Sean would like a girl like her. Honey, we already went over this. He has a thing for Asians. Nail-cam reveals her accent nail.

Meanwhile, Catherine tells Sean that she’d been made fun of a lot in her life, like “You’re chubby or you eat too much.” Soooo girls like me have a shot with a hunky, beefy guy like Sean? Sean: “You’re are smokin’ hot. I’m the lucky one.” Aww, so sweet! Now take off your shirt!

Catherine: “Sean has continually made me comfortable and feel safe to be completely myself and exploring anything with him… like our sexuality. When I look in Sean’s eyes, something visceral happens… in my loins.”

Then something really strange happened! They went back to the mansion in L.A. where Chris Harrison appeared to have something important to tell us. Nope! He duped us with a sneak peek of Oz: The Great and Powerful. Sneaky, sneaky, Mr. Harrison!

The next day, a half-naked Sean says he knows who he has to send home and he is dreading it. Before he drops the guillotine, he sits down with Dr. Chris, who reminds him that this was the week Sean went home on Emily’s season. Chris asks Sean if he can see his wife there, and when Sean says yes, Chris looks like he’s been blown away by the most confounding idea. That or maybe he actually believes the hype that Sean’s proposal will make it to the altar.

Sean: “It’s mind-blowing to even think about this… I actually get to have sex again.”

Chris leaves Sean with the very personal video messages, and as one tweeter says, “time for Sean to consult the pictures.” As the first message rolls, another tweeter says “I’m waiting for Sean to be all like, ‘We’re in Thailand so Phuket, ROSES FOR EVERYONE.’”

Lindsay, in her baby-talk voice, says “I met you in a wedding dress, and maybe soon I’ll be wearing one again for you.” From baby talk to baby doll, Catherine calls Sean a “mega-hunk” and says he gives her “the wiggles”. That sounds racist. Lastly, AssLee starts talking about her wall and her obsession with Sean, and then the tears start flowing. Video message I can’t believe no one edited this out. They can edit Arie’s flubs last season, but not her emotional breakdown. As this last video finishes, Sean’s thinking, “Oh great, I have to send the basket case home after that.”

Sean equates the rain to AssLee’s tears. I find it funny how he and she are wearing the same color—burgundy. The only difference is AssLee’s chesticles are boldly on display. It even looks like she cut a slit in her dress to reveal more cleavage.

Before he hands out the roses, Lindsay says Fuck, Shit, or Cunt. It had to be one of those! No worries, though, because she got the first rose. From there, it became the longest rose ceremony ever. Sean stood their holding the final rose for what seemed like forever.

Sean 2

Cut to Catherine: “Is it me? Pick me. Is it me? I don’t know.”

Cut to AssLee: “It has to be me. I’m praying to Jesus. I don’t know. Is it me?”

Sean picks up the rose. Both women are like “Pick me, pick me, pick me…”

Cut to Sean: “Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God…”

Cut to Catherine: “Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God…” Catherine

Cut to rose: “Oh God, just pick one already!”

the rose

Cut to AssLee: “It better be me, it better be me, it better be me…”

AshLee

Cut to Sean: “I guess I should say something, but nothing’s happening…”

Cut to Catherine: “It’s not me, it’s not me, it’s not me. Why didn’t I blow him?”

Sean: “And now I bow my head in prayer and hope to God she doesn’t cut off my manhood!”

And the final rose goes to Catherine, leaving AssLee glaring at Sean. They walk out, while the other women are confused that she didn’t say goodbye. Lindsay and Catherine Lindsay: “She’s pissed.” Well, in that moment, I can’t imagine you care about the future wife of the man who just broke up with you.

AssLee tells Sean to “just stay here.” He wants to explain himself, and she hears him out with the look that sank a thousand ships. Stone-cold bitch! Stone-cold bitch She hops in the car, seemingly unfazed. As the car drives away, I’m thinking, really, you can cry through every episode but then you can’t shed a tear when he dumps your ass. My sister said that’s because she’s a happy crier, but eventually the tears came and she shied away from the camera.

AssLee: “It’s hard saying goodbye to Sean because I let him in…to my vagina.” Ok, ok, ok… maybe not there, but he certainly couldn’t handle all of her emotion, so he sent her somewhere she could deal with them—The Women Tell All. See you next week for what is sure to be a Tierrable talkathon.

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The Oscars love your boobs

Posted by emzkbd on February 24, 2013

I’m no Joan Rivers, but I think I can be a little smart and snarky. If only I had my own show! Here’s how it works: I break down the best and worst dressed celebrities on the Oscar’s red carpet with pics, compliments of People.com. I’ve created some of my own unique categories to including Most Unconventional because something always stands out from the crowd.

BEST DRESSED LIST

Jennifer LawrenceBest Dressed: Jennifer Lawrence. Ok, so maybe it was the obvious choice, but it was effortlessly elegant! She looks healthy since her bout with pneumonia, and she looks so chic. I love the fitted bodice and the perfectly voluminous pouf of the skirt. Usually the jewel tones win me over and the nude/white/blush shades makes me roll my eyes, but Jennifer looks like a vision in pale pink. So sophisticated and Oscar-worthy! And we haven’t seen her boobs, as Seth McFarlane pointed out—on or off the red carpet.

Olivia MunnMost Glamorous: Olivia Munn. I missed her walk the red carpet, and not because of her bold choice of color. This chick is totally fit, and the corset with gold stitching hugs her curves like lingerie. I love the draping, which normally would make me complain about too much fabric, but instead its satiny sheen makes it appear totally touchable.

Naomi WattsMost Unconventional: Naomi Watts. Not only is the color and sparkle outstanding, but the fit is flawless. And of course, the whole reason it’s unconventional—the chest/sleeve cutout!

Naomie HarrisBest Color: Naomie Harris. Mustard? I know! But it so works on her. This was also a close second for my most unconventional. I don’t understand the top, and I think that’s why I like it—almost like cobblestone. The bottom looks so light and silky, and if you caught my Golden Globes review, you’ll know I’m a fan of the high slit. Love the leg over the cleav! Also have to give her props on the soft curls.

Charlize TheronBest Neutral: Charlize Theron. One of the E! correspondents said it was reminiscent of Anne Hathaway at the Globes, but I disagree. Charlize isn’t pasty, and she works this fashionable Dior gown. I love the peplum—surprised we didn’t see more of the trend this season! And I’m not really a fan of the pixie cuts, but Charlize’s looks so spunky—a total badass bombshell.

Halle BerryJennifer HudsonBest Long Sleeves: Halle Berry. I originally chose Jennifer Hudson, who somehow made the scale-effect look attractive. Then I switched my vote. Halle said she asked Donatella Versace to make her look like a Bond girl, and she definitely achieved that creation. Even the shoulder-pad look couldn’t ruin this sparkly, streamlined gown.

AdeleBest Plus Size: Adele. Even though she didn’t vary from her Globes look (all black), this one again has a great fit, great length, great sleeves and it’s accompanied by the classic Adele ‘do and smoky eye.

Jane FondaBest Over 50: Jane Fonda. Clearly the boldest color on the carpet! I love the cut and how exquisitely it conveys her timeless beauty. Another celebrity whose short hair style I would say complements her appearance.

Corinne Bishop and Jamie FoxxBest Dressed (Who are you again?): Corinne Bishop. She’s Jamie Foxx’s daughter. In this picture, she looks like a scared kitten, but she was gorgeous on his arm. I love the teal color, the heart-shape neckline and the interwoven bodice. She may be one to watch in the future.

Sandra BullockDress I desperately want to fall in love with: Sandra Bullock. First off, I wanted to push her hair back behind her ear. Back to the dress—I initially hated it like most of her previous red carpet appearances. Then I had an internal tug-of-war. I like the fit on her and the black laciness; I don’t like the sheer bottom (reminds me of a negligee), and the purse should have been silver or black.

Nancy O'Dell Maria MenounosBest Dressed Host: Nancy O’Dell & Maria Menounos. There have been award shows in the past where I’ve detested almost every host’s gown; however, these two are almost always consistent with their picks. I swear Nancy gets younger every year, and did anyone wear a dress better than she did? I love the beautiful blue color and her strappy shoes. Maria also went with a bold brilliant color in a gown, and she is notorious for the high, voluminous hair.

Jessica ChastainBest Hair and Makeup: Jessica Chastain. I have a feeling she’ll get a lot of flack about her dress (again), but I thought it complemented her sun-kissed skin and auburn hair. Speaking of hair, it looked wavy and polished, and her makeup only made her look more gorgeous. I am also usually overly critical of the red lip (probably because I could never pull it off), and even with the red hair it doesn’t clash—it works!

Eddie RedmayneBest Dressed Man: Eddie Redmayne. Can you say ‘smoldering’?

Nicole Kidman and Keith UrbanBest Dressed Couple: Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban. These two took my breathe away. Nicole always brings the high fashion, and she has the perfectly well-coiffed man candy. Even Nicole’s hair looks so effortless.

WORST DRESSED LIST

Kerry Washington Rachel MwanzaWorst Dressed: Kerry Washington. Ok, it was an upgrade from the Globes. I do like the salmon color against her skin tone, but it’s the flowery bust, cheap, flat-pressed bow, and extra length that moved this to the worst dressed list. First time, though, that I didn’t want to actually pick one; although I would have defaulted to no-name Rachel Mwanza (no-name being irrelevant because she’s at the Oscars, and I’m unbathed, on my couch).

Sally FieldWorst Long Sleeves: Sally Field. The sheer red was just not working. The way it gathered made it appear like she has arm rolls. The other thing about this dress—if you put a petticoat under it, she could have been mistaken as coming character.

Melissa McCarthyWorst Plus Size: Melissa McCarthy. Typical—someone cut a whole in sheet and applied some sparkly appliques to pull it all together. What’s with the 80’s rocker hair?

Tabatha CoffeyWorst Over 50: Tabatha Coffey. Not sure who she is, Sinead O’Conner’s stunt double? I think she raided Jennifer Lawrence’s closet for a gown. She has no cleavage to work this dress, and the feathers and leather gloves clash.

Helen HuntWorst Steal: Helen Hunt. She got her dress from H&M, and it shows. It’s all crinkly and it looks very similar to my sophomore homecoming dress.  I get the feeling she just doesn’t care anymore.

Brandi GlanvilleWorst Dressed (Who are you again?): Brandi Glanville. I have no clue why she’s at the Oscars. A color would have helped this dress, but only slightly. To be honest, though, Brandi just chose the wrong dress. Her makeup is overkill, she’s too tan (even for Hollywood), and her boobs—what can’t I say about those things busting out of their tiny cup holders?

Salma HayekWorst Dressed (You should know better): Salma Hayek. Correspondents said she looked super-petite, but with her curves, that dress should have hugged her a little more. Instead the velvet fabric just hands there. Then there’s that horrid collar and awful tiara!

Amy AdamsWorst Dressed (I let my child pick out my dress): Amy Adams. I think this dress overwhelms Amy and definitely washes her out. Not sure if her kid is old enough to make fashion choices, but if she’s not, then that explains why she wore this.

Jennifer AnistonDress that everyone will probably love but I hate: Jennifer Aniston. Ok, you’re probably thinking “But you like Jennifer Lawrence?” Well, to be honest, I saw Jennifer’s ensemble and I liked it. She looks great in red, and she’s rocking the classic J. Aniston. Then I thought, this is the Oscars. Pull up your hair! As far as the dress, the length is too long, and the whole concept is too young—too Jennifer Lawrence. She also looks best in something more fitted.

Kristen StewartWorst Neutral: Kristen Stewart. At first I thought this gown was white, but I think it’s more of a dusty gold. Another example of a dress washing out its wearer! Plus, Kristen has a boyish figure, and this dress makes that clearly evident. I also cannot comprehend the use of tool at the bottom.

Kelly RowlandWorst Dressed Host: Kelly Rowland. This dress must have come from a contortionist. I feel like she’s about to flash us goods—top and bottom. Then there’s that hideous updo with those heavy bangs! I don’t know what Jamie Foxx sees in her (since he groped her on the red carpet).

Renee ZellwegerWorst Hair and Makeup: Renee Zellweger. The cryptkeeper has arrived! I don’t think gold’s her color, and it’s not that flattering on her figure. Unfortunately, this shot does not convey the utter disaster that is her hair and makeup. Inside the theater, her hair looked frizzy, and it seemed like she didn’t even apply makeup to disguise her gaunt eating disorder.

Jason SchwartzmanWorst Dressed Man: Jason Schwartzman. I thought it was Charlie Chaplin! The navy suit, droopy bow tie, oversized fit, 20’s slicked-back hair, and Chester-the-Molester ‘stache complete this horrifying ensemble.

Sunrise Coigney and Mark Ruffalo Lianne Spiderbaby and Quentin TarantinoWorst Dressed Couple: Sunrise Coigney and Mark Ruffalo. Her dress looks leathery on top with a poncho on the bottom, and his suit looks shiny, which highlights an apparent weight gain. I love Mark, but I think he’s had some medical problems, which makes him look 5-10 years older. I feel bad giving them this award, so check out Quentin Tarantino and Lianne Spiderbaby. He’s all disheveled, and she looks like she’s auditioning for a remake of Sound of Music. Plus, her deep V makes her look like a linebacker.

I also included a few other pics of stars whom I didn’t critique, so enjoy the gallery and let me know: Who was your best and worst dressed stars of the evening?

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Whose Globes looked the best?

Posted by emzkbd on January 13, 2013

It’s my 2nd Annual Golden Globes Red Carpet review. This time last year, I had the most views, but what can I say, the fashion speaks for itself. I’m just bringing it to you in the most honest way possible! One thing that hasn’t changed—the predominance of nude and blush colored dressed; one thing that has—the lack of color (where’s the purple?). So without further ado…

BEST DRESSED LIST

Jennifer LawrenceBest Dressed: Jennifer Lawrence. That girl is Catching Fire! I was glad to see her win the Globe for Silver Linings Playbook! Now let’s hope she brings it—talent, fashion, and perky boobs—to the Oscars next month!

Jennifer GarnerRunner-up: Jennifer Garner. Where has she been all my life? And to think she has three kiddos! Mrs. Affleck looks like she needs a nomination. Too bad she’s hasn’t made anything worth seeing—EVER! Except maybe 13 Going on 30! I love her dress—it’s probably because she’s got those great boobs to fill it out.

Jessica AlbaMost Glamorous: Jessica Alba. My first repeat winner! Everything about this dress complements Jessica, including her makeup (bold lip), jewels and fuzzy clutch.

Isla FisherRunner-up: Isla Fisher. I’m sure we’ve seen this dress before, but she Definitely, Maybe rocked it the best, especially as a side-swept ginger.

Heidi KlumMost Unconventional: Heidi Klum. Although it does seem a tad tight across her tummy, I love the one shoulder, the neckline, and the high slit—my fave for this season’s red carpet (thank you, Angelina Jolie). Angelina Jolie

Olivia MunnRunner-up: Olivia Munn. I wasn’t sure about her whatever’s happening at her waste. Is that a belt? But something about this look just draws me in. Maybe it’s the scale-like top.

Megan FoxBest Color: Megan Fox. Is it gold? Is it beige? Is it lace? Who cares! Without a doubt one of my favorite dresses on the red carpet! And to think, she just had a baby. Transformer, she is. (That’s a Yoda reference… she’s a big Star Wars fan… anyone?)

Hayden PanettiereBest Blush/Nude: Hayden Panettiere.  I agree with Kelly Osbourne—this is definitely one of Hayden’s best looks ever! It’s soft, it’s sweet, it’s definitely put her on the map—Nashville to be exact!

Best Long Sleeves: None. I know! I tried, couldn’t find one.

AdeleBest Plus Size: Adele. Post-pregnancy looks good on her. While I would have liked to see this dress in a pop of color, I think it is totally her style: elegant with an edge—or in this case a neckline.

Kathryn BigelowBest Over 50: Kathryn Bigelow. For working in the Middle East, she sure cleans up well.

Glenn CloseRunner-up: Glenn Close. Navy was popular for the older crowd (see Sally Field, Helen Mirren, and Jodie Foster), but Glenn pulled it off the best. The fit was right, the accessories complemented well, and the train wasn’t too long.

Ali FedotowskyBest Dressed (Who are you again?): Ali Fedotowsky. I think this Bachelorette was trying that new hair trend—I have long hair, but I’ll disguise it as a bob and no one will know. Unfortunately, she didn’t pull that off, but her dress earns her the credit to walk the red carpet again—so long as it’s not for a reality TV show.

George Clooney & Stacy KeiblerBest Dressed (Ok, we know you now!) Stacy Keibler: Yes, you’re George Clooney’s girlfriend now, but where will you be next year? Hopefully, making more red carpet appearances.

Eva LongoriaDress I desperately want to fall in love with: Eva Longoria. I’m just not sure how I feel about the lacy sleeves and the deep V accompanying the high slit (which is what turned me on in the first place).

Lea MicheleBest white: Lea Michele. Another high slit (YAY!) and probably one of the only times I’ll praise white on the red carpet. Definitely a Gleeful choice!

Nancy O'DellBest Dressed Host: Nancy O’Dell. Probably the real winner for Best Color! Why didn’t we see more jewel tones on the carpet this year? Such a disappointment!

Maria MenounosRunner-up: Maria Menounos. What’s not to like about this dress? No, Maria, don’t speak.

Claire DanesBest Hair: Claire Danes. Another new mom working a hot bod and sexy locks! Not to mention, one of the night’s best dressed! Love that color—red was definitely luck y for those lady bugs.

Kate HudsonBest Makeup: Kate Hudson. Also one who was having a great hair day, but I wanted to give props to her flawless complexion (and cleavage). The Killer Inside Me would kill for those looks!

Bradley CooperBest Dressed Man: Bradley Cooper. In my Playbook, he’s hot stud numero uno, and now he’s single. So long as he’s not crazy like his character!

Robert PattinsonRunner-up: Robert Pattinson. No idea what he was doing there, but when Dawn is Breaking, I will be climaxing from my hot and steamy dream with him.

Jon Hamm & Jennifer WestfeldtBest Dressed Couple: Jon Hamm & Jennifer Westfeldt. Aren’t they the cutest? He’s just so dapper (Go Mizzou alum!), and that dress would have been my winner for Most Unconventional but they’re just so freakin’ adorbs.

WORST DRESSED LIST

Kerry WashingtonWorst Dressed: Kerry Washington. I think the only thing I like about this look is her shoes, but honestly the whole short dress under a sheer long one just isn’t working (see also Rachel Weisz). The color is wrong, and so is her blowout. Chain this one back up!

Alyssa MilanoRunner-up: Alyssa Milano. Is she pregnant again? If she is, she looks horrible. If she’s not, then she really looks horrible.

Amanda SeyfriedWorst Blush/Nude: Amanda Seyfried. The lace doily thing almost never works, and this is case in point. I guess she’s so used to being one of the Les Misérables.

Amy AdamsRunner-up: Amy Adams. I really wanted to like this one, but the unruly tulle looks like it’s about to swallow this dress whole. She confidently brings the glam, but the Trouble with those Curves is definitely that tulle.

Emily MortimerWorst Long Sleeves: Emily Mortimer. Look everyone! It’s a knight’s formal eveningwear.

Jennifer LopezRunner-up: Jennifer Lopez. To be honest, I was completely up in the air with this one. I tried to see the glam in it, but her curves and the lace did not want to cooperate. The two combined were just too distracting to be likeable.

Lena DunhamWorst Plus Size: Lena Dunham. Ok, so maybe she’s not reallllly plus size, but the dress makes her appear that way. That said, I am happy to see her and her show take home trophies tonight!

Helen MirrenWorst Over 50: Helen Mirren. From last year’s best to this year’s worst, she and Glenn decided to switch places.

Allison WilliamsWorst Dressed (Who are you again?): Allison Williams. Girls, take note! Do not pick a dress from a designer who looks like they can’t sew. Am I right? This seams here are quite obvious.

Sienna MillerWorst Dressed (You should know better): Sienna Miller. There are no words.

Halle BerryWorst Dressed (I let my child pick out my dress): Halle Berry. Ok, I’ll admit, I don’t REALLY know if her daughter picked out this choice. I mean, we know her personal life is a jungle, but her wardrobe does not need to reflect that. I do love the shoes, though, and the high slit, of course.

Lucy LuiRunner-up: Lucy Liu. Does she have children? If so, they should learn that flowers are only pretty in pictures, not on fabric.

Kristen Bell Michelle DockeryWorst Dressed (Chastity chests): Kristen Bell and Michelle Dockery. This just looks painful! I can’t imagine the pain preggo Kristen’s breastesses are experiencing.

Julianne HoughBjork moment: Julianne Hough. (Secretly, I kinda like it, but then there’s that tulle again!)

Kristen WiigVagina hands meet vagina dress: Kristen Wiig. I don’t get it!

Zooey DeschanelDress that everyone will probably love but I hate: Zooey Deschanel. She isn’t a New Girl to the red carpet, but I keep waiting for her to have a breakout moment in fashion. Still, I’m left unfulfilled.

Taylor Swift Jessica ChastainRunners-up: Taylor Swift and Jessica Chastain. I wish I could blame Taylor’s recent breakup on her poor fashion sense, but she looked amaze-balls at the People’s Choice Awards, but this was a fashion flop. While I like Jessica’s color, it’s not one for the gingers. Plus, the dress makes her look fuller-figured and like she has saggy tits.

Anne HathawayWorst White: Anne Hathaway.  When “I Dreamed a Dream” of the best dressed, Anne’s dress was definitely not one of them. I hate white, I hate Anne Hathaway, and I hate her haircut, pastiness, and anorexia nervosa. Catwoman needs some catnip.

Giuliana RancicWorst Dressed Host: Giuliana Rancic—a two-time loser! How has she earned the right to critique on E!’s Fashion Police? Nothing about this look complements her figure or is pleasing to the eye. Not to mention, she is oompa-loompa orange. Hey Giuliana, I think Anne needs some of your color!

Kelly OsbourneRunner-up: Kelly Osbourne. I think their show needs an overhaul. Can I suggest moi?

Kaley CuocoWorst Hair AND Scariest Makeup: Caley Cuoco. The sad thing is I actually like the dress, but she put in any effort with the rest of her appearance. I guess I could cut her some slack since she was hosting the People’s Choice Awards last week, but she better not show up to any more awards shows looking like she was just gang-Banged.

John HawkesWorst Dressed Man: John Hawkes. Well first off, he has bad posture. Second off, he looks like a pedophile. And thirdly, I’m a fan of black-on-black, and this kills it for me.

Helena Bonham Carter & Tim BurtonWorst Dressed Couple: Helena Bonham Carter & Tim Burton. Too easy, I know! While the outfits aren’t bad, their presentation is as bad as one of his movies!

Remember to check back after other awards shows this season, including the fashion finale—the Oscars! And tell me: who did you think was the best (and worst) dressed at this year’s Golden Globes?

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