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Playboys need love, too

Posted by emzkbd on February 19, 2013

This week, Sean visited the final four’s hometowns and asked each girl’s father (and one’s mother) for their marriage blessing. I really think a sex tiebreaker would have made this week’s elimination a whole lot simpler, but apparently this Bachelor has “values”—whatever those are. I sure wouldn’t want my picture splashed across tabloid covers with the headline “Born-Again Virgin”—not even with the byline “Vaginal Rejuvenation Success Stories”.

The first hometown date wasn’t that far of a jog for Sean, who lives in Dallas. AssLee lives in Houston with her terrier Bailey. I hate that name unless it’s served on the rocks.

AssLee thinks she’s found true love. “What if he says, ‘You’re amazing, but you’re not the one!’” Then you go to counseling. Am I right?

This date is boring like all of their dates. AssLee: “God, you amaze me everytime!” Sean: “{doofy laugh} Hahaha, stop, I’m not God, but I can make you say his name.” AssLee: “You’re so handsome. I love looking at you.” Lots of closed-mouth kissing ensues, and AssLee cheers “YAY!” Nothing turns my vagina off faster than a close-mouth kiss.

AssLee and Sean arrive at her parent’s house, and she says she’s been dreaming about this day since she was 4 or 5 years old. I’m sure this was taken out of context because “meet the parents” isn’t exactly the make-believe game you play. I was more about dressing up in my mom’s lingerie and marrying my sister. See how things can get taken out of context?!

They sit down to eat in AssLee’s parent’s backyard… probably because of all the crucifixes, rosary beads or statues of Mary. AssLee’s dad wants to know every detail about their journey—where they’ve been, what they’ve seen, how close Sean’s peen came to AssLee’s hotbox. AssLee recalls the Polar Bear Plunge—with tears in her eyes—because it was really that cold… or because she was ready to marry Sean come hell or ice water.

Then she proceeds to tell them about their “romance” in St. Croix. AssLee: “We had fun in the sand, mama, you know, like they did in Grease. We rolled around in the sand, and I felt his man parts against my lady bits. That was really fun… and then I told him I loved him. He didn’t say anything because he’s contractually obligated.”

AssLee’s mom wants to reiterate the sense of abandonment AssLee experienced as an orphan. Basically Sean should be careful because sometimes she wanders off wearing a blindfold and awakes with no sense of who she is and how she got there.

From there, Sean sits down with her dad and tells him he’s “crazy about his daughter.” Then the crazy talk turns to AssLee’s underage marriage, and the lesson learned is you have to let your children make their own mistakes. Tear! Sean says he’s seen AssLee’s “core” and asks for her father’s permission to plunge his drill into it. He agrees. One down, four to go.

AssLee’s dad recalls the story of when he met AssLee, in one of the most heartfelt moments of the series. “Whatever man takes her for the rest of her life is gonna have to fall in love with her like that.” Then again, pedophilia—not so much! AssLee says she cries every time her dad shares that, which makes me wonder how many times she’s found “true love”. In true ABC Disney fairy tale fashion, AssLee says the day was magical, and there’s pixie dust everywhere. Well bibbity-bobbity-boo! My fairy godmother would be jealous.

The next hometown visits takes Sean to Seattle, where he finds Catherine in a busy marketplace. They make a wish on a pig—not sure if it was supposed to buck or vibrate, but it appears they stuck him with some coins. People are staring. What? You’ve never seen two people ride a ham?

They pass through Pike Place where they toss fish. Catherine drops hers because it’s “slippery”. Slippage can ruin relationships, Catherine. She says she loves the way Sean smells—like fish. She also loves his big, beefy arms and hopes he’s got the meaty sausage to match. Sean says Catherine brings out the kid in him.

Lots of squealing occurs when they enter Catherine’s house. Sean puts on an apron and flirts with her Grandma Graham Cracker, but for Catherine, the reception isn’t as welcoming. Her sisters are very critical of her choices because they feel like Catherine has to convince them to support her relationship. Catherine: “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t really care about this guy.” Yeah, I could see Tierra saying the same thing. Catherine’s sisters proceed to bash her former relationship dynamic. “Every guy that she’s dated has been real easy… she needs to be called out on her whorishness… she’s dirty… needs someone who can handle her mood swings.”

Catherine’s mom: “Will it work out? I don’t know. I don’t want my daughter to get hurt. You don’t want to lead her on because we don’t want that. So I think it’s best if you take your womanizing ways and pick the next girl.” Needless to say, Sean didn’t get her blessing even though he thinks “the world” of her daughter.

Next up, Sean goes to visit his army brat’s family in Missouri. This 24 year old possesses all the qualities Sean wants in a wife—ditzy voice, drunkenness, immaturity. She brings out the kid in him, just like Catherine does. Clearly, Sean doesn’t really want to grow up, which doesn’t bode well for his marriage proposal.

Lindsay and Sean bop around her small town and enjoy some cake smashing at a cupcake shop. Lindsay tells Sean to address her dad like “Hey, dude!” Then she makes him drop and give her twenty. “Don’t give me sass boi… kiss me harder… bend me over this bench… about face {smacks his ass}!”

Sean: “Lindsay’s dad is a big deal… like Ron Burgundy!” Good thing you got in a few pushups and crunches. “Part of Lindsay’s dad’s job is making men—with his stern General sperm—and hopefully he sees that I am a man, and not a sissy little girl who wears salmon-colored pants.”

Lindsay looks exactly like her mother, and her brother looks like he takes after her dad and Frankenstein. They tell her parents about Lindsay’s entrance in a wedding dress. Lindsay’s mom thinks it’s hysterical, while her dad thinks he’s about to be demoted. Lindsay’s mom says Lindsay “looks content… she looks at peace.” What is she, a corpse? Are they anticipating a wedding or a funeral?

Sean tells her mom that he’s not ready to commit to love… or anyone… because he’s The Bachelor and none of them commit. Sean is smitten with her mom, and it appears she is about ready to pounce on him. “Who you are is fantastic!” Yep, I’m sure she pinched his tushie on the way out.

Finally, Sean gets to “the talk” with the two-star General. Sean’s “crazy about your daughter”, sir. If someone were crazy about me, I’d ask if they were on medication. Lindsay’s dad ponders giving a blessing. He’s never been asked a “tougher question.” He tells Sean he “has to have the authority to make the decision”, so he gives his blessing but says he’ll take it back if Lindsay says no. Well duh!

Before he leaves, the General gives him dog tags, and everyone wants to hug Sean, including her doofy brother, who eagerly waited in line for a bear hug.

In a totally different world, Sean makes his last stop in L.A. where Dez lives. She greets him with the running approach and leaps into his arms to wrap her legs around him. Barf! Dez tells him she doesn’t want to miss him, but she tells us she wants to make out. After they freshen up from their super sweaty hike, they go back to her house. Someone else besides Sean was planning to make a visit, and Sean is confused, especially when this stranger says he loves Dez. “Whoooooaaaa!” Sean thinks he needs to leave, but I’m like, No, stay! I like Alpha-male Sean. Fight, fight, fight! “Don’t put your hands on me!” No, put your hands on meeeee, Sean! I love how all of America was convinced it was her ex when I’ve known since before the season started that this was a hoax.

Dez can definitely give one—a joke, not a BJ. Then the scary woman from The Blair Witch Project arrives—or at least that’s how I would have pictured her. Dez: “My mom’s so cute.” Really? She kinda freaks me out. Sean and Dez proceed to repeat (not finish) each other’s sentences.

Dez’s brother has words of wisdom. “A lot of guys could make you happy… that’s not what it’s about though… I’m thinking this is not going to work… This is like stupid, almost, like me.” Har har har! Mr. Debonair asks to talk with Sean.

Things get tense because Mr. Know-it-all wants Sean to admit he’s a fraud. Sean is praying for answers to this question, so he starts rambling about giving affection to Dez. Sean: “Does that put your mind at ease?” Doofus: “Aw no, I think you just a playboy… having fun with the circumstances.” Sean: “That’s not me… that’s Chris Harrison.” Dumbo: “No, I’m not buying it.”

Sean wanted to tell Dickwad off, but he didn’t want to make a scene. Then her parents started talking about the weather and how it’s raining Douche-nozzles. Once Sean leaves, Dingleberry admits he called Sean a playboy, which sends Dez off the handle. Dipshit: “He is not the one!” Oh, the number of times I’ve heard that from family members.

Finally, an hour and 37 minutes into the episode, Sean is half naked in his closet. He can picture his life with Lindsay and AssLee, but he’s unsure about Dez and her crazy brother and Catherine, a.k.a. Miss Independent. So he does what any normal guy dating four women would do, he talks to his therapist—Chris Harrison. Sean: “Nope, no clarity this week, Chris! I have no idea who I’m sending home.” Chris: “Are all four women literally on the chopping block?” What is this Survivor now? You gonna snuff their torches, too, Chris?

Sean is afraid he’ll make the wrong choice—like Jason Mesnick. Think of the positive, Sean—at least you can still marry and impregnate your runner-up! Before he hands out any roses, Dez interrupts and asks him to step outside to apologize for her dirtbag brother’s behavior. Meanwhile, Catherine is having a meltdown. “Should I have pulled him aside and offered him a handie?” The sure-things get their roses, but before he gives out the final rose he sets it back down. Even though I knew the ending, it still startled me to think he would ask for another rose… or run away with dong tucked between his legs.

Dr. Harrison returns and offers this advice: “Get this right!” Hahahaha! Don’t eff up, Seanie! Otherwise, you’ll be the laughing-stock of reality TV, right behind Jessie Palmer forgetting that chick’s name. In the end, though, Sean sends Dez home, after having reassured her that his feelings for her have nothing to do with her brother. That’s the best—“It’s not you; it’s your brother.”

Sean tells her that he’s been battling this all day like a cancerous tumor. Dez tells him he’s making a huge mistake—not 99.9%, but 100%. Sean even admits, “It might be.” Although if it makes her the Bachelorette, then I’m sure she’ll get over it. I feel like I’m watching my breakup all over again. “Don’t let me go… it’s not right… I don’t know what I’m going to do about my life… all I want to do is make someone happy… like, that is all I want to do.” As my sister said, “Get some goals, girl!”

Until next week… I hope you all enjoyed Sean’s shower scene on “Sean Tells All” this evening! I know I did!! Queue a cold shower!

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Threesome starring Arie’s rubdown, Sean’s man key, and Jef’s wooden puppet

Posted by emzkbd on June 26, 2012

First off, I apologize for my absence last week. I realized I missed a captivating re-cap about a dude whose emotions shattered more than his egg named Shelly, an egomaniac who was none other than SHOCKED by Emily’s decision to send him off without any trophy, and buff men in skirts seeing how far they can pitch their wood. Oh yeah, and that surprise rose ceremony where she chose to save both Wolf and Doug from the shitter, only to flush ‘em out this week. Sorry, but this bachelorette had her own one-on-one date to attend! I don’t see nothing wrong… with a little bump and grind.

Anyway, Emily can’t seem to get enough of the “olden” European cities, so she continues to bore us with a jaunt to Prague. Anyone else think Emily, walking around the city contemplating her future make-outs, looked like a confused American tourist? “Excuse me, has anyone seen an insanely large production crew?” Oh no, you wouldn’t have because they’re got this season on lockdown right to the final three. This has actually been the first time in the last handful of season’s where I, too, am guessing who it could be, and probably like you, I change my mind on a daily basis.

Back on track, Chris holds another orientation in some random town square where no one could find them. Why does he stand so far away? Does he have a cold? I feel like I’m watching the The Amazing Race, and every dude is about to bolt in search of a rose. Instead, Phil sends them in search of their hotel.

Like always, we have the obligatory “Here we are in such-and-such,” “Man, I can’t take this anymore,” “That dude is totally not right for her,” and/or “I’m totally getting a one-on-one ‘cause of my boyish good looks.” That one would be Jef, who sounds like he’s waiting for Emily to sign the adoption papers.

And in comes the first date card, and naturally these grown men starting cooing like a bunch of six-year-old girls. Time for Arie to have another run at Emily’s vagina!

On their one-on-one, like most of her dates, Emily has come prepared with her guide book. I feel like she also has one of those passport holders strapped under her shirt like Jamie had in Eurotrip. “Frommer’s says…”

More from Tour Guide Emily later; right now, Arie is clearly too optimistic to find some who speaks English. He also thinks he and Emily could get married in a giant cathedral—yeah, sure, not unless you’re the prince of England, bub!

Moving on, Emily wants to see how Arie rubs his statue. Lots of chafing ensues…

When the show first came back from commercial, I thought Chris was going to tell us that Arie jerked it so much, he succumbed to a tragic, unexpected demise. Instead, he wanted to tell us about Arie and his secret sexual relationship with that really unattractive girl who shouldn’t be on camera. Ever. Again. I thought a troll was attacking Emily. Eeek!

During this interlude, Chris isn’t wearing his ring so he can bang lots of bitches while filming the Bach Pad, but later at the rose ceremony, it’s back on. This was before the news broke, and he was trying to convince America that he wasn’t a playa. Don’t hate his game! Sloppy seconds are better than contaminated quatros.

The rest of Emily and Arie’s date consists of Emily trying to manipulate Arie into divulging the details of incestuous affair, but he’s more interested in revisiting that rubdown on the bridge. However, he does confess to being a moron, at least in so many words. Tattooing someone’s name on your body can never be justified, even if it’s in memoriam. What happens if you die in some freak accident that burns your face off beyond recognition and all that’s left is that name. Then you’re labeled as an already dead person. No way am I going down in history as “Grandma.”

Apparently, there was an off-camera discussion where Arie didn’t feel it was a big deal. Well that doesn’t make for good TV. Cut to the post-fake conversation where Emily is fine and dandy believes everything Arie says.

Arie tells us he thinks about Emily all the time while rubbing his weiner. Emily is flattered and practically hands him her plane ticket to meet his family. To seal the deal, Arie breaks out the big guns—I love you. This guy is fast like the cars he drives. No, Emily, this guy doesn’t “throw around the ‘L’ word.” He just tattoos girlfriends’ names on his body.

Arie: “After that firework display, I totally wanna marry Emily… and rub one out.”

Next one-on-one is doomed from the get-go. When you’re in the final six, and your relationship’s described as a slow start, you might as well load your own suitcase in the limo.

During their date, Emily plays it cool and sits as far away from John as she can. Don’t want to give him the wrong idea when you send him packing. She also looked like she wanted to shake free of his hand.

Making another appearance, Tour Guide Emily reappears to explain the Lennon wall and the lock fence, where John can’t close the lock. Clearly, an obvious metaphor for where these two are headed—the dungeon. Although, I think Emily hinted it was like their relationship. No, really? Didn’t see that one coming!

Meanwhile, in the hotel, Chris develops a drinking problem while obsessing about his dwindling relationship with Emily.

Down in the dungeon, Emily needs John to go deeper; he’s only given her the tip, and clearly she wants the whole package. So, to win over any girl, John starts talking about his exes, and how he once freaked out when one didn’t return his calls. He contacted hospitals and prisons… because in the three days his ex turned her phone off, she was convicted of a felony and PUT AWAY. I think you meant a jail buddy!

John: “I think if you met my parents you’d turn your phone off, too.”

Emily: “Aww, that’s so sweet.”

John returns to the guys, and first thing, all the men want to know about how it was making out with their girlfriend. “Oohs” and “Aahs” ensue. John also mentions that Emily just dropped him off at the hotel, and before Arie can convince his ex-girlfriend producer for more alone time with Emily, Sean races out the building on a desperate mission to find her. It’s almost like the end of a romantic movie except Sean looks sorta crazy and pathetic. And Emily’s walking the streets like a two-bit hooker. Quite the setup! Emily is so glad she did what the producers told her to so that she could make-out with Sean… in the bar… and then the alley… and next thing you know they’re drying humping against a building and the producers are telling them that they can’t air that on ABC—owned by Disney.

I wonder what the other guys thought of Sean’s random exit. He had to give them some sort of excuse: “Pardon me, fellas, I need to clean my pipes. It’ll probably take a couple hours, ‘cause the steroids keep me real horny.”

The next day, or so it seems, Doug wishes he were on the group date with his kid because what could be more romantic?! I’m sure Kalon could give you a few examples that don’t include kids, skirts, or hide-and-seek.

Doug claims he’s old fashioned, but his actions suggest he’s into dudes. How did he ever impregnate a chick?! He is misreading everything, including the words coming out of Emily’s mouth. She’s trying to tell him goodbye, and he thinks she’s panting for his peen. When she finally spells it out for him, all he’s got is: “Have a good one! Toodles!” Once in the limo, dude had more tears than the rain in the sky.

From group date to two-on-one, Emily gives the guys keys for their alone.

Sean: “That’s a big key… that’s a man key!” See, I knew he had a big peen, and it can unlock my box any day.

Meanwhile, Chris should be contemplating therapy for his anxiety. At least he told Emily he was crazy… errrr, going crazy with the lust in his pants! Chris: “Can we make out now? MMM, tastes like Sean.”

Then, Emily has to decide who gets the group date rose but why even bother? She was preaching to Arie about rudeness, but then she makes it super-awkward for Chris. At that point, Chris should have left because he’s clearly not going to top Sean unless he’s got a ten pound cock that emits supersonic orgasms.

Rounding out the dates, Bieber gets the final one-on-one. He tells Emily he once had an Afro, but I can’t imagine it being any bigger than his blowout. And forget CEO of a bottled water company! Jef could puppeteer a string Michael Jackson show.

Emily’s doll: “Omigod, I wanted to ride it… your skateboard, tee hee! Oh no, he’s about to kiss me. Let’s go inside… my VAGINA!”

I can tell you one thing: Jef sure knows how to handle his wooden puppet. In all honesty though, his puppet show was cuter than a puppy in a Pixar film.

Later, Jef tells Emily he broke up with a girl because his parents didn’t like her. Emily panics, realizing she has something in common with his exes—guys have broken up with her because she had a kid. Isn’t that right, Womack?

Awww, Beauty and the Bouffant in the library! And just like the fairytale, kids run screaming from his beastly hair.

Before the date ends, Jef confesses he wanted kids, like, yesterday, but the truth is he might have been telling the truth, since he comes to us with Mormon affiliations.

During the rose ceremony, Chris is stressing because he thinks he didn’t “bring it” on the group date, but I thought he brought a whole lot of f-bombs to the party. So we couldn’t see Chris’s full-on rant, but we could watch as Sean cleaned Emily’s mouth with his tongue??

At this point, Emily doesn’t have any reservations about her decision to eliminate one guy. Newly single Chris Harrison tells the guys of this, and thinks-he’s-soon-to-be-single Chris shits his pants. In the other corner, John gloats like he just sniffed the stripper’s Emily’s panties; that’s because she arrived in her white trash evening wear seen here.

Before she can hand out the last rose, Chris interrupts Emily to lay it on the line: “I’m not really Gerard Butler. I’m just his look-alike.”

Emily appreciates his honesty: “Well, I was gonna give Chris the rose anyway, but after our little chat, I just had to come back so I could watch John wipe that shit-eating grin off his face. I just can’t be with a guy who doesn’t know the difference between a prison and a jail. Every tour guide knows that!”

And with that, Chris practically high-fives the other guys: “Final Four, baby!”

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