From the fairytale to the fans versus former floozies, another summer session of Bachelor Pad is upon us. Not only do the contestants get another shot at love, but they also get to forsake their dignity and fight for $250,000. Once again, I know who the final two couples are and how the final four couples shake out, with the exception of the winners, who will be announced when the show airs live in September, hopefully along with a Bachelor announcement (Go Sean!).
Chris Harrison couldn’t be more excited this go-around, probably hoping to scam on a vulnerable vixen. In case Bachelor fans forgot, the host with the most Prozac familiarizes us with some of this season’s contenders.
Who could forget Chris—the one with anger management issues? Chris is playing it cool like he should have been Emily Maynard’s fiancée so this time no one, and nothing, will keep him from winning. I’m talking to you, Blakeley’s fun-bags. Chris says he wants to meet Lindzi from Ben Flajnik’s season.
Lindzi, however, just wants to get back in the saddle. Is this going to be her mantra every season? Clearly she’s looking for a good ride.
Next up is Reid, who I shamelessly stalked on the internet after Jillian Harris’s season because he’s a realtor. I wanted him to sell me a house or let me move into his. Reid detests Ed, who Jillian picked after denying Reid twice. This time, Reid doesn’t want Ed messin’ with his game. Payback is a bitch, Reid, and if the previews suggest anything, it’s probably who ends up with Ed.
What ain’t so bitch? Having two of this biggest terds reppin’ Chi-town. First Chris and now Ed, who admits there WAS some truth to those tabloids, which reported he had cheated on Jillian after the show ended. What a goon—blaming it on the media hoopla! This time, though, he hopes to win the money, and maybe an ad spot with Valtrex.
Someone else who’s probably seen a lot of warts? Blakeley, who left modeling to become a waxer. I’m sure an aesthetician does not even fall into the same salary bracket as a stripper. Poor Blakeley says she loves Jaclyn—who will here forth be known as Hatchet Face—but Jaclyn actually calls them “frenemies.”
Last but not least, Kalon is pretty sure America hates him for speaking his mind. Kalon hopes to ruin our frickin’ summer, but I have a feeling he will make it quite entertaining.
During last season, the show promoted the possibility of fans versus their favorites, and all of my girlfriends urged me apply. Well, I didn’t want to take off my top, make out with my sister, or drone on about finding love. But here’s who DID make the cut:
Paige – Ohmigod, OMG, oh-em-jee, looks like we have a stage two clinger on our hands. See, she’s already doing her research on Chris. “Yahahahahaha you’re my partner. When I see everyone, I’m gonna pee my pants, which has happened before.” Well, if things work out for her, maybe she can market Depends to the twenty-something crowd.
SWAT – I didn’t care to learn his real name. He likes to put on his jammy-wammies, pour a glass of wine, and masturbate to The Bachelor. Anyone else creeped out by this guy, hand in pants, spankin’ it to Emily?
Donna – She claims to be the biggest Bachelor fan, but I think her REAL claim to fame will be to out-bounce Blakeley’s boobies. Like most women in America, she’s also obsessed with the Stag, hates Holly, and intends to challenge Blakeley to a pole dance-off in bikinis.
David – I think he thought he was applying to be the next castmate on Jersey Shore, but oh wait, the twins already did that.
Brittany and Erica – A virgin and a whore—they’ll fit right in; then again, with their ugly faces and speech impediments, they’ll also stand out as the first white trash contestants.
So now it’s time to throw them all together. Everyone starts to arrive at the whore house mansion. Chris says he hopes to heal from his breakup with Emily and use the “L” word sparingly this season. Lindzi arrives with enough cheek stain to be mistaken for an Indian squaw. All she needs is some fringed animal hide, a feather and a papoose! Oh yeah, and how about a horse?
Before he forgets his name, Ed chats with Chris Harrison and tells him he packed those short green shorts. Upon hearing that, I’m sure America mistook Chris’ pallor for arousal. Inside, Lindzi can’t stop talking about horses—she can’t decide which stallion she wants to bridle—and Ed is trying to control his raging boner from Rachel to Sarah, who couldn’t tell the difference between Brad Womack and his twin. I’m pretty sure that’s all she’s known for. Ryan also has had little face time; he’s a 32-year-old virgin in a 64-year-old (sober) man’s body.
Shortly thereafter, Reid and Ed have some (sexual) tension. Must have been those shorts! Wink! You think those made you cringe, wait until you see Hatchet Face, who hates her Fakeley frenemy so much it hurts. Tony arrives; no one cares. Hatchet and Rachel are too busy trash-talkin’ Blakeley—she talks in baby voices, she’s not an intelligent person, she’s not a normal person, her personality (and cleavage) is IN YOUR FACE. Yep, sounds like a stripper to me! I think she wore that outfit so she could take it off… slowly!
Later, the champion Mike Stagliano returns. The Stag just can’t score the lead as The Bachelor, so he’s going to re-submit his app to Bachelor Pad until he’s engaged to someone. Take that Holly! Ericka Rose is also back… for her third straight season. She says she knows Kalon from the Houston social scene, and she admits to selling him out to the tabloids. That’s funny! I don’t remember seeing any nude Kalon pics. She also equates him to Christian Bale in American Psycho. So again, does that mean we’ll be seeing him naked soon? Maybe flexing while thrusting in front of a mirror?? Ericka says Kalon makes fun of her appearance, which she’s worked really hard to perfect— nipping, tucking, sucking, plucking, plumping, etc.
While Ericka is bashing Kalon, Sarah is whining about putting in her time and putting out for other alums (ahem, Reid), so she deserves to be there. She also thinks the fans are going to sniff their underwear because that’s the first thing I’d want to do if I met the Stag. Dogs know what they’re doing!
Now it’s time for the fans to arrive. Donna is a squealer, which means I’m sure we’ll know it’s her under the covers. SWAT has a crush on Chris Harrison (he takes a picture), and Paige crushes on the other Chris (the Stag, standing nearby, runs for the hills). When the twinsies arrive in matching outfits, Ericka Rose declares there’s only room for one set of twins… and she meant Blakeley’s.
As the night continues, Tony shows off his kid, and Ed shows off his future kids… or at least where they’ll come from. Even Chris Harrison was shocked (or turned on) by Ed in his skivvies, until he wanted to drown him in the pool.
Chris Harrison magically appears to tell them the first competition is the following day, and as Stag put it, everyone freaked out—ohmigod, who’s my partner?
Reid: Would you be my partner?
Paige: Yes, I’d love to be your partner.
Reid: Ok {walks away}.
He said it was easy to remember—read the page… Reid/Paige. Meanwhile, Blakeley tagged Chris as her partner, or threatened to donkey punch him in the throat if he said no. I think Chris has met his match. Hatchet Face ended up with Michael Phelps Ed. “It’s not a hot tub… it’s a cold tub!” That’s quite an observation!
At the first challenge, the couples have to balance in tilting hearts. 
No surprise Ericka Rose fell first; once a fatty, always a fatty. In the end, David and the twins won the first challenge, putting a huge target on their backs; although I think walking in the door actually sealed their fate. The three of them get a romantic date, during which I’m sure David fantasized about threesome. Not sure how that Eiffel Tower would work. David compares their carnival date to all previous Bachelor/Bachelorette dates, including skinny-dipping like Ben and Courtney. If I had to guess, I’d say it was the virgin who swam in her bikini.
Back at the house, Blakeley pees on Chris, thereby marking her territory, but the fire hydrant wanders off in search of a lap dance. Just because they paired up, doesn’t mean the guys aren’t going to see if the grass is greener. Hatchet Face informs “I-don’t-want-him-distracted-by-boobs” Blakeley that Jamie is using her sex to reel in Chris.
In turn, Miss Ironic goes on a witch hunt and catches Chris and Jamie canoodling. Without further ado, she has a meltdown, screaming, “But I told you I liked you,” which Chris somehow couldn’t relate to. Blakeley continues her tantrum, saying the money isn’t worth it. What did you expect? Patty-cake and Pretty Pretty Princess?
The next day, everyone is strategizing who to send home, and David marks Ericka Rose and Nick as targets, since they already have a vote against them for their poor display in the challenge. As a result, Ericka bawls like a five year old then takes the high road by calling David an ugly loser who shouldn’t even be there.
Rose ceremony time! “I know that guy!” That would be the rainbow-pooping Chris Harrison himself, clinking his champagne flute and scoping out the hunnies for his own private hose ceremony in the cold tub.
Paige think she found Prince Charming. But the Stag tells Reid that the guys are pitching tents for double D-Donna and plan to vote off prim and prudish Paige, cutting her fairytale short. So Reid goes on a crusade to save his damsel. Everyone is scattering, panicking, fuming, and Kalon is telling everyone what they want to hear.
If only SWAT had taken his ego out of the equation and voted for Ericka Rose, then maybe he and Paige and SWAT would still be here next week. But who am I kidding? The fans don’t stand a chance!
By the way, I love how Chris Harrison scooted off in Kalon’s Porsche, giggling like a teenage boy on ‘shrooms. Sayonara, muthafucka!
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