(Pop) Culture Shock

It comes in waves

I cannot be tortured like this… unless it’s in the red room of pain

Posted by emzkbd on January 29, 2013

At first I thought I was watching the wrong show—no shirtless Sean!—but then in prowls Chris Harrison wasting no time to deliver the first date card. Elsewhere, Sean is prancing around in his boxer briefs. Damn boi! That is one fine ass!

boxer briefs

Salma Hayek Salma Hayek gets the “Let’s turn up the heat” date with Sean, and already she starts panting about being ready to take it to the next level, and then the next level, and then have his babies! Selma 2 With the size of those cans, though, you’d swear she was already milking a whole litter! She goes to get ready, which constitutes yoga pants and a tight tank. Puh-lease! I roll outta bed in what took her to “get ready”.

In other parts of the mansion, the African American Elizabeth Berkley

Elizabeth Berkley Lesley H is bawling her eyes out over a man with whom she has spent zero quality time. She claims to have a heart and really wants a date… just like everyone else.

Sean arrives to pick up Selma for their “hot yoga” sesh. Selma tries to guess what their date entails. Perhaps some salsa? She warns Sean that her giant boobies might distract him and cause him to break all ten of his toes. That and she doesn’t think Sean can handle all one hundred and ten pounds of her. MOST.HATED.WOMAN.IN.AMERICA.

Their PDA fest goes from limo to private plane where she does Sean a solid and conceals his erection by splaying across his lap. PDA

Selma is eating up the luxurious transportation, and then “the Iraqi” lands in the desert. She is “petrified”, probably because she fears the heat… and boob sweat. She also claims to feel puffy, but I’m sure she was just referring to her pillowtop chest.

Sean suggests some rock climbing, but Selma would prefer an airlift to the top. Maybe she can unleash those balloons and ascend gracefully! She has a mild panic attack, but then—much to my surprise—she actually climbs really well. Sean: “Your ass looks cute in that helmet… errrr… in that harness… ughhh… you have a cute helmet.”

rock climbing

Selma: “He gave me this adrenaline, and he gave me this courage. I gotta show this man I want him in me.”

Sean: “I’m looking for fingerholes… trying to push myself up… keep my erection down.”

Just before they get to the top, the cameraman blows his load over a close up of Selma’s cleav. Titty shot

Those Tetons sure got some airtime last night. Sean also makes sure to “give her a lift” once they’ve conquered their fears.

Giving her a lift

Later, Sean kidnaps Selma to a desert campsite. While cuddling, Sean mentions he only had one serious relationship after college. Selma tells him he’ll find an amazing girl who’ll put out. Then Sean wants to know about her family, and she assures him there’s a lot he doesn’t know… or anything at all. Selma says her mother would have a heart attack if she kissed Sean on national TV.

Cuddling

Back at the mansion, the group date card arrives. “I’m looking for a woman who can roll with the punches.” Tierra is not happy because she “don’t need no chaperones.”

In the middle of nowhere, Sean wants to kiss Selma, to which she responds “we’re not even allowed to date basically… not that we’re not allowed to date. Obviously we’re allowed to date… but in our culture we sorta keep it secret from everyone.” So which is it—you date or you don’t date? I think it sounds like she’s ok with getting’ a lil sumthin’ sumthin’ behind her mama’s back.

Selma: “I want to feel his lips on my vagina mine… but we’ll have to wait… until I’m his only lady.” This sounds promising!

Sean: “Her eyes are just basically asking me to fuck kiss her.”

Obviously, Sean is intrigued because Selma won’t kiss him. Umm, did he ever think that the whole “my mama would disapprove” act is really just a cover for her herp outbreak? Even so, he gives her rose, and Selma “the tease” continues to entice him with “I really want to kiss you.”

On the group date, Amanda confesses she doesn’t know what “roll with the punches” means, but I’m sure some of the other girls could demonstrate a few rights hooks… to her face.

Nubs: “I don’t think having one arm will hold me back today.” So optimistic it hurts!

“Ladies, welcome to the wonder world of roller derby,” says the butchest bitch in the joint. AssLee hopes she doesn’t die at the hands of rug muncher because, lesbia-honest, her preacher pop wouldn’t be too proud.

Tierra: “I have aggression I’ve been building up living in the house… and if I can’t masturbate there then I’m excited I get to knock some biotches down.”

roller derby

Amanda spreads a sly lie that she’s done the roller derby thing before. Tumbles ensue, and it’s no surprise that Nubs is pretty much roadkill. Nubs: “My body works in different ways… I poop rainbows like Chris Harrison. Tears tears tears. Blah blah blah. I’m a broken person.” Always-the-good-girl AssLee comforts Nubs, which then leads to Sean comforting Nubs, which gets her back in the rink.

Elsewhere, Amanda is gloating about killin’ it in her skates. Next thing you know, she’s face down, ass up, taking it from behind… from Karma. It’s a bitch! “Now I’ll never be a fit model… even though I’m a fit model!” They think she fractured her jaw, but at least she didn’t pout it off like Tierra. Instead, she listens to the medic and goes to the hospital. Once she’s gone, Sean and the remaining woman have an 80’s free skate.

Nubs: “Well I think we all rolled with the punches pretty well… except Amanda who got what was coming to her.”

I’d like to pause here and say, has anyone else noticed the abundance of lyrical music in this episode, including “Foolish Heart” by Steve Perry? Are the producers trying to subliminally tell us something? Is this the theme song for this season?

Later, Sean wants everyone to relax and “not worry about breaking their jaw.” He pulls Nubs aside first because he “respects her so much”, which is code for “I could never do the dirty with her.” Meanwhile, the other women are trying to encourage Tierra to go pro with roller derby. “No!” she says. “I don’t want a sympathy rose.”

Amanda returns in her 70’s mom getup to “milk it”. Sean kisses her bump. Amanda: “All I get is a kiss on the chin. Maybe I should have said, ‘Actually, they took out my tonsils.’”

At the mansion, Lesley H. gets the “Could this be forever?” date card and diamond earrings, to which she exclaims, “Holy moly batman!”

Then aw hell nah breaks loose. Robyn asks AssLee and Nubs what happened to Amanda during roller derby, and Tierra feels like she’s been snubbed from the conversation. She says Robyn was trying to get a rise out of her, acting all “high school”. So Tierra stomps off, in the least high school way possible. Poor Nubs was like “what did I do?”

Tierra: “Where is Sean?” Uhhhh he’s looking for Lindsay’s tonsils. Sorry, Amanda! “Why should I be tortured every day and live life uneasy?” Easy honey, it’s not like you’re an Iraqi prisoner in your own home. Right, Selma? “I can’t take the fakeness from any of these girls anymore!” I still can’t decide if Selma’s tittays are real. “I cannot take it! I am breaking down inside and holding it all in and that is not fair.” Sounds like someone needs a laxative! “I cannot be tortured like this!” Tierra pops a squat, waiting for Sean to finish tongue tasering Lindsay.

Tortured Tierra

When they finally emerge—Lindsay in a bikini—Tierra snatches Sean to tell him she wants to leave… or go on an amazing date. Sean tries to reassure her. Look at Courtney Bob—she was the most hated and look how far she went!

Apparently tears turn Sean on because he scampers off for the rose, while Tierra enjoys her victory with a devious grin Happy Tierraand the other women assure themselves she’s going home, but Sean is “crazy about her”. Well, I guess he’s in store for a whole lotta crazy then. The others are in complete shock. “He’s been manipulated tonight… She’s good at what she does.” What can I say? Blow jobs can be persuasive!

The next day, Sean has a date with Miss Super Duper Duper Excited. Lesley H. got some diamond earrings and “holy moly” she likes ‘em. Sean takes his tranny hooker to Rodeo Drive to do some Pretty Woman shopping at Badgley Mischka. To be honest, those were the ugliest effing dresses I’ve ever seen. The brown one wasn’t bad, but she picked one that was ill-fitting with a giant bow and sparkly trim. “Winner winner, chicken dinner!” What is with this girl’s phrases?!

Lesley H 2

Lesley H.: “Sean definitely is a young, sexy, blonde, blue-eyed Richard Gere, and I am a tan Julia Roberts.” No, you’re black, unless you’ve got a Michael Jackson complex. Then I’ll let you have “tan”.

They proceed to accessorize at Neil Lane with a 120-carat diamond necklace. Lesley's necklace

I guess a bodyguard will be chaperoning their date at the Bradbury—whatever that is. “Opa!” Is she Greek now?

Sean tries to get to know Lesley H. who shares her life story, which includes dating a lot of men who get married right after dating her. Sean agrees and shares this: “Sometimes someone looks so good on paper and you get along great and they’ve got all the qualities you’re looking for but it’s just not there.” Hmm, you’re preaching to the choir, Sean! Maybe it’s time I start blogging (or vlogging) about my personal life again.

Then Lesley tells Sean she comes from a broken family and only wants to get married once, at which point Sean’s eyes start to glaze over. He can’t put his finger on it; maybe it’s her giant mouth or her “holy moly” comments, but it’s just not there. So just to be a douche, he picks up the rose and taunts her with it. Lesley exits with grace but not before planting a bug in Sean’s ear that some of the women who have roses are not there for the right reasons. Hmm, can’t imagine whom she’s referring to?!

Sean sulks back inside where Ben Taylor was going to sing for them. Lesley claims she could see herself with Sean at the end. Sean is reassuring himself with his decision but claims to have doubts. Even though we know it was premeditated, he casually drops the rose off the balcony, and it lands in a slow and dramatic explosion on the ground. His heart will go on, ladies!

Rose ceremony time! Sean is going to get harder and harder and harder as these go on. First, he sits down with AssLee. Snooze! Such a sweet, kind, blah, blah, blah person! Next, Robyn tries to pick up Sean with her “Which chocolate do you want to taste?” Uhhh the white one? Awww, snap!

Meanwhile, Tierra—holy boobies!—wants to clear the air with Robyn and Jackie. “I just wanted to apologize for the other night and how it went down. You know, you kind of attacked me… I just wanted to apologize!” That’s the most passive-aggressive apology I’ve ever heard. “I am too strong of a woman and too independent to let high school pity stuff get in my way… I came here to win this!”

The women are confused by Tierrable’s behavior. I like that! Let’s see what else I can come up with! Tierrafying tells Sean she is NOT a “drama starter”. Tierraist: “Sometimes girls have a hard time accepting me for who I am.” Intruder alert, intruder alert!

None of the ladies want to throw Tierracotta under the bus unless it interferes with their individual relationship. Ok, that one doesn’t really work—unless you hate the color. Catherine really wants to kiss Sean, but he’s afraid that he’s been put in the friend zone. So she takes him out front and puts him in the bone zone.

Time to send one packin’! I’m sure many of you thought Ke$ha and her slurred speech would be the lone limo leaver, but Amanda—trying to match her burgundy lipstick to Sean’s tie in her flapper dress with a rat’s nest updo—was damaged goods. The always tactful Chris Harrison: “If you did not receive a rose, take a moment to say your goodbyes.” Uh Chris, were you drunk because there’s only one person going home? Did you forget her name like Jessie did so many seasons ago? Stay tuned next week because we’re getting double the romance and double the drama. As long as the Bachelor Pad twins don’t double back, I’ll double my dosage of Sean’s half naked body any week.

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