(Pop) Culture Shock

It comes in waves

What are you? Some kind of “crazy person”?

Posted by emzkbd on January 22, 2013

Sean’s journey this week begins again in the rec room. Heaven forbid The Bachelor gain an ounce of fat this season! Previously, I would have swooned over this half naked glistening chunk of man meat, but this week I find myself saying “Eh” and “That’ll do pig.” Sure, Sean’s chabs {chest + abs} are incredibly defined but I still think he could use a few more pull-ups and crunches.

He wants us to know he’s totally “digging” some chicks, man! With that, Chris Harrison is on the prowl… to drop off a date card.

Robyn: “Let’s ditch these bitches and go fall in love for real.” Someone ain’t afraid to cut a bitch!

Lesley M. gets the first date and Sean wants to know “How long will this love last?” Hopefully longer than the past few seasons’. In the limo, Sean asks her what she thinks that means because he has no clue. Lesley is optimistic and somehow equates a loving, lasting relationship with an exotic getaway for the two of them.

What she really gets? Well, Sean was jonesin’ from the peck he got on their last date, and to show her that, he amps up the romance and decides to parade around the Guinness Book of World Records museum, showing off the world’s smallest woman and his dad’s world record of driving all contiguous states.

She had to see it coming because no Bachelor date could be that boring. As it turns out, Sean wants to break his own world record. No, not the world’s longest-running erection, but the world’s longest on-screen kiss, surpassing the previous record set at 3 minutes and 15 seconds. Lesley says it’s the coolest thing she can imagine, but I’m sure she’s thinking Sean’s erection would be much cooler.

Lesley kissing Sean

As they get to it, she’s laughing and probably shooting snot on his face, and he’s using it as an excuse to grope her until he pulls her dress up over her fanny. Sean says he can feel her body start to tremble and I’m thinking—“I would probably orgasm, too!”

Once they break the record, they continue kissing—probably because he is afraid to pull away and reveal his erection to all those bystanders. What a wonderful story they can tell their children if they end up together! What a mortifying thing to live with if you’re Sean and his new fiancée, assuming it’s not Lesley! You think he would still hang that plaque in their apartment then? Hey honey, aren’t you proud I broke a world record with another woman?

Record

Later, on top of the Roosevelt Hotel—where I’m pretty sure other Bachelor/ette contestants have hung out—Sean and Lesley share more awkward moments. Lesley is a self-proclaimed nerd, who studied a lot, and wants a marriage like her parents but is afraid that might not happen. Sean tells her she shouldn’t worry that it won’t cum come because he now knows how to use his tongue effectively. She starts to flush, she’s short of breathe, and then she gets nervous. Sean wants her to take charge of her sexuality so she pounces, so Sean gives her the elephant in the room. He’s been blown away, but I guarantee I blow better.

Back at the mansion, AssLee reads the group date card and all the women chosen pretend to be excited. “Who’s going to touch my penis win my heart?” The next day on the group date, all the eleven women care about is a half-naked Bachelor. Then, the unthinkable happens…

Kacie B.: “The moment I see Chris Harrison, I know that things are not going to be fun for somebody.” Sounds like we have a creeper on the loose!

Chris tells the women they will be competing in a volleyball game to extend their date with Sean. The losing team will leave immediately. No surprise but Ke$ha admits she’s still hungover and therefore won’t be an asset to her team.

The ladies tat up with an “S” for Sean, or slut. All a matter of opinion, I guess! From someone who played volleyball back in the day, this was the worst game I’ve ever witnessed. Asthmatic ten-year-olds could play better volleyball—I know because I’m referring to my sister sixteen years ago.

Volleyball

Taryn wants us to know she is in it to win it. “This volleyball game is the most important game of my life. It’s probably one of the only few I’ll ever play that has something big riding on it—ahem, hopefully Sean’s peen. You’re talking about your heart here; you’re talking about more time with a guy that you barely know and could potentially be yours for three months, give or take, after filming. So this is that big of a deal!”

The game comes down to Des’s serve. There’s a bump and then what should have been a set is really just Kristy fist-pumping to keep the ball in play. Guess she’ll share the same fate! Sean congratulates the winners while Kristy pouts like someone just stole her cookie. Lesley H. tries to conceal her tears on the drive back to the mansion, where everyone blames their exhaustion and crabby moods on the date.

Ke$ha is super bummed out because she wants to show Sean her romantic, serious side when all he’s seen is her wastey-faced side. Kristy continues her half-time show at the Superbawl with all her little cheerleaders shouting words of encouragement—“Go home, go home, go home!”

Sean brings the winners back to his mansion for an orgy. First, he has some alone time with Valley Girl Lindsay, who’s voice is more annoying than any blonde bimbo you could drudge up. They make out for awhile, and then Sean hooks it up with a glam Joey Potter.

Glam Joey Potter Desiree & Sean

The final date card arrives, and Tierra—who chose to wear white see-through sweatpants for the camera—scampers off to retrieve it. She announces it for AssLee and Selma, both of whom shit their pants. JUST KIDDING! It’s just for AssLee. “Do you believe in magic?” Sarah takes personal offense to it on Selma’s behalf.

Back on the group date, tension stirs between Des and Amanda, who sneaks off with Sean to tell him he can stop looking for a wife because she’s all he’ll ever want—if he’s into the whole Alanis Morissette thing.

Amanda Alanis Morissette

Sean says he can tell she has a “genuine heart”. To which she responds: “If we were to get married, I feel I will bring such a light, airy, fun atmosphere… relationships should be fun.”

Des flips her shit because Amanda is questionable and creepy—always staring at Sean like she wants to wear his skinsuit. When Amanda returns—gloating—Des tries to play nice, telling Amanda she killed it at the volleyball game. Amanda says “it has nothing to do with volleyball and everything to do with my split-personality disorder. Muahahahahaha!”

But it’s Kacie B. who pulls an Emily O’Brien and tells Sean she feels like she just took a Courtney Robertson punch to the face. Kacie lays it on the table—there is tension between Des and Amanda. Since she’s friends with Des, she wants Amanda sent packin’. Sean wants to know why she’s getting mixed up in all this. Kacie has no words. Sean says they both seem fine and neither one has said anything to him about it. Kacie: “And I don’t want to be the person who does, but at the same time I’m stuck in the middle so I have to tell you what’s going on… and I’m not a ‘drama person’… it hurts me because I don’t want to hurt either of them… and when that’s going on I’m having a hard time being myself because I’m worried about that.”

Sean looks incredibly confused and calls her a “crazy person”. Finally! At least he’s starting to recognize it floating out there in a sea of skirts and see-through tops. Kacie tries not to cry, and then, not to fall in her sky-high stilettos. No rose for Kacie B. on this date! Instead, Sean rewards Lindsay for her makeout sesh. Kacie tries not to cry in front of everyone, so she does it behind their back to the camera, sniffling that she’s “not supposed to cry this early.”

Kacie B

The next day, AssLee thinks nothing can go wrong on her one-on-one date with Sean… but everything CAN go wrong before. Mere seconds before Sean walks in… ker-plunk! Tierra fall down… or so it seems. I think she was riding a blanket down the stairs for fun and realized no one was paying attention to her, so she ditched the blanket and just laid there like she was coming out of a coma.

Tierra on a stretcher

The paramedics arrive to take Tierra to the hospital, but she pleas like the whiny brat she is to be left alone. She “pops up” because Sean’s there. AssLee says Tierra is the boy who cried wolf, or in this case the slut who cried “Sean!” AssLee claims to be a smart woman, like the medical team who would have diagnosed Tierra’s condition as “bat shit crazy”.

Tierra lounges on the veranda, while Sean plays Aladdin and rubs her lamp ass.

Sean & Tierra

AssLee: “She thinks it’s cute to play the victim, but how about I really make her a victim and stab her with the thorns of the rose I’m going to win on my amazing date.”

Sean wants to see if AssLee has some “kid” in her—or if he could put one there—so he takes her to the most romantic place on Earth. Six Flags—a place where horny teenagers make-out while they wait in line for a 30 second ride! Great outfit by the way. I know my go-to getup for an amusement park is always a short, fancy dress and heels.

AshLee's dress

Sean tells AssLee that it feels “a bit selfish” to keep it all to themselves. At that moment, I half expect a group of underprivileged urban youth to swarm them, but then Sean says they will be sharing their day with two young fans of The Bachelor, who are best friends but have never met. Girl #1 must have been a smoker who somehow kept her ass-long hair from catching on fire, while Girl #2 must be a fighter. Were those boxing gloves she was wearing? Oh no… Sean says they have some mitochondrial disease, which—when he says it—sounds way too depressing to Google.

AshLee Dr. Quinn

Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman says this is the perfect date. Cut to the four of them on a ride with Sean screaming “Get me off! Get me off!” Not sure which one of the ladies he was begging. Then Sean’s favorite band—The Eli Young Band—performs while he and AssLee sway and Girls 1 & 2 upstage them with the two-step or whatever that was.

When they’re finally done babysitting, AssLee opens up to Sean. Orphan Annie tells Sean that she was adopted when she was six but prior to that she was abused by a foster family. They locked her and the other foster kids in the basement where they slept on cots without any lights. There wasn’t a bathroom—only buckets lined up against the wall—and if you weren’t careful, the big kids would hold you down and…

But AssLee is not bitter. No sirree! She reminisces about the day she was adopted and how much she’s been loved by her parents. Sean gets misty and sobs: “That’s such a sweet story! Wahhhhhhhhh!” Hey Sean, I can see your vagina from here.

The whole time Emily Maynard AssLee was telling her sob story, the band was also listening behind them. Once everyone wiped their tears away, they played another song.

On rose ceremony night, things get feisty, but first Sean wants to send Nubby home. JUST KIDDING! He bought her a dog. Oh wait, it’s her dog? And he likes chew toys? Now we know why she doesn’t have a prosthetic.

Later, Sean sits down with Tierra who has magically healed from her physical and emotional roller coaster ride down the stairs. Katie Holmes steals Sean to suck his face, but rather than “punch some walls”, Tierra steals him back. “My turn!”

From one thief to the next, Lesley M. swoops in and the domino effect continues. Meanwhile, Des told Sean that she would stay right where he left her… and she stayed there all night.

When Kacie B. finally gets her turn, she wants him to know that it’s a two way street. Sean continues the metaphor by saying they’ve turned a corner, but before Kacie gets to find out if she’ll make it to destination Roseville, Selma and AssLee plop a squat for some chatter.

Before he sends the ladies packing, he pulls Kacie outside, rose in hand, to stand next to someone peeing in the bushes the sound of running water where he tells her she’s back in the friend zone. Wait for it… wait for it… “WHAT THE FUCK!” No, she didn’t say it this time; I guess she learned her lesson last time on how to exit a reality show gracefully.

Kacie: “Last time I left with no regrets because I tracked down Ben to beg him for a second chance. And this time there are regrets, so rather than live with them, I guess I’ll have to fly to Thailand on the day Sean proposes and tell him {SPOILER} he should have sent Amanda home sooner.”

In the end, Sean didn’t want a drama queen (Kristy) or a lean, mean volleyball machine (Taryn), but he likes all the other thieves and injury-prone women who are left. More on that next week!

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