(Pop) Culture Shock

It comes in waves

Motorboating… what’s your price for flight?

Posted by emzkbd on September 4, 2012

I guess ABC has given up keeping things a secret since they gave away the entire episode in the previews. As always, we start the show post-rose ceremony from the previous week’s elimination. The “very privileged people” are relieved because there are no more alliances.

Rachel apologizes for whining and promises to keep it to a minimum so long as she can talk about Michael all she wants.

The next morning Chris Harrison arrives in his wallpaper shirt to inform the remaining contestants to pack because the winning couple will be sending another couple home after the competition—Hanging by a Thread. I foresee a tampon pulling contest. Whoever has the widest set vagina will clearly dominate!

Tony says he’s doing it for his son, just like he does everything else—cooking, cleaning, squeezing Blakeley’s tits. Blakeley, on the other hand, is doing it so she doesn’t have to see another bleached asshole… except for Hatchet Face.

All the men except for Nick—who’s probably the strongest—sit on the swing. The other partners answer Bachelor trivia. Here’s what we learned:

Donna was first in her bikini… and Nick was the first in it.

Ericka Rose was from the earliest season of the series… which makes her the oldest hag around.

Erica, one of the twins, did not compete in the Falling for Love challenge… and I’d bet she’s the bisexual virgin.

At the Hot Sludge Fundae contest, Jamie was David’s partner before the switchup… but so was Chris. Girl came on too needy!

The first competition on season one of Bachelor Pad was Twister. I’m just surprised they weren’t naked!

At this point, Blakeley fails Tony, like she failed her college entrance exams and ended up at Hooters. Tony falls first… and probably the most often.

Natalie Getz took off her top on BP season one. I think they were at the Bare pool in the Mirage, and as I told my friends, I want to take off my top there, too.

Ella and Michelle were the moms on BP season two. Moms BEFORE the show, not impregnated during it.

Other than Ericke Rosa and Michael, Gia was the only other contestant to be on two seasons of BP… but I’m sure all three of them will be back for at least one more.

Another one bites the dust. Rachel can’t hold on any longer, so she plops like a turd in a toilet.

The Weatherman Jonathan won the pie eating challenge in season one. And all along I thought he would prefer hot dogs to pastries.

Last but not least, Ed drops into the pool, leaving Chris and Sarah as the winners. Thank goodness Sarah did her recon and stalked a lot of the contestants! As a result, Chris and Sarah have to decide who to send home, but first Sarah rides him hard for old time sake. Then they talk it out—they don’t think they can beat Ed and Hatchet Face; Tony is a standup, albeit pathetic, guy; and Nick would take them to the final two.

Blakeley starts to hyperventilate. We see a few of the contestants plead their cases. When Tony plays the daddy card, Chris pretends to have a heart and gets a little misty, but he has to have the final say: “We’re the best. No one’s really trusted me, especially Blakeley, even though I told her Jamie and I only held hands. Tony, you’re my boi, and I understand you’re here to better your son’s life. But at the same time, I’m better than you, so get the fuck out.”

As they leave, Rachel tells Blakeley she loves her so much, just not that sparkly skirt she wore the first night, and Hatchet Face has been so loyal to Blakeley, just not to her face. Tony won’t leave Blakeley or her fun-bags. Once they’re in the limo, Tony continues to comfort her like he would his son, except for his attempted cleav-squeeze, but Blakeley’s body language is more like “Ok lumberjack, game’s over…  I’m off to find me a sugar daddy, not a baby daddy.”

Nevertheless, Tony practically proposes in the limo, and Blakeley basically says, “Thanks, now stop trying to kiss me or I’ll donkey-punch you in the throat.”

Later, Chris Harrison returns to tell the remaining six that their next challenge starts immediately, and the winner of the competition secures a spot in the final two.

Ed and Sarah—with their matching flip flops—and everyone else arrive at the Hollywood Paladium where famous artists have performed. Inside, Night Ranger is performing, and Hatchet Face recognizes the song. Ed says it’s one of his favorites.

Meanwhile, Chris says a singing challenge would be disastrous, much like his last few flings, and Chris Harrison confirms that. The couples will perform “Sister Christian” for the band.

Ed says he does it in his car every week… that and he rubs one out to every pretty girl he sees on the street. Ed and Chris proceed to bash their female partners—“Jaclyn is tone deaf” and “Sarah is not the best singer.” But Nick is pumped; he’s going balls to the walls.

The couples meet with vocal coaches, most of whom have worked on Glee, including the peenist. Isn’t that how Nick pronounced it? Rachel admits to being a deepthroater, which gives her that raspiness. And here I thought it was all those Marlboros!

Sarah says her voice sounds like a thirteen-year-old boy going through puberty, and I tend to agree because that’s probably what she ate for lunch. Chris: “There’s bad, and then there’s Sarah.” You think he said the same thing about Blakeley’s sex skillz?

Rachel contemplates the meaning of the song. Apparently, “motoring” is like cruising. I Googled it. Nick, on the other hand, tells us he enjoys motorboating, and therefore, thinks of boobs (probably Donna’s) when he hears “motoring”.

Ed deigns himself the Karaoke King, and he does have a way of slipping into songs the same way he slips into girls’ panties. Unfortunately for him and his attractive partner, they basically give up. Maybe if they thought of boobies, they’d have a renewed sense of interest in this competition.

The next morning, Chris admits he threw up so that he could lose a few pounds for their performance. Everyone puts in a few more practice rounds, while scaring away the local wildlife. Then it’s on to the venue for their big show. ABC paid some extras to scream and cheer upon their arrival. None of them know who these fools are.

Nick and Rachel go over their choreography, and then Rachel applies some mascara on him. Open your eyes dude! The real genius though is Chris who copies the words on to his hand. Because reading them is soooo not obvious!

Chris Harrison tries to pump up the crowd of teeny boppers who have no idea who Night Ranger is. In fact, they probably think One Direction will take the stage. What a disappointment when it’s these D-listers!

Nick and Rachel go first and are by far the best… in my opinion… so it’s no wonder they win. As it turns out, the song is about a brother giving his sister advice, and they’re the only duo who didn’t play incestuous siblings making out on stage. Nick brought out his inner rock star, and even Rachel’s throat cancer didn’t hinder her performance that badly.

Next up, the team to beat—Ed and Hatchet Face! Unfortunately for these two, their performance bombed, although I’m not sure if it’s because they were in fact wastey-faced. They both forget the words—the cocky ones who bragged about singing it in their sleep. To make up for their poor vocal performance, they incorporate some dry humping into their choreography until they finish… pun intended. The audience, which appears to include a Bible study group, looks appalled.

The last couple to perform—Chris and Sarah—clearly don’t know what they’re doing. At first it looks like they’ve got it all planned out, and then all hell breaks loose, as one of the judges put it. Chris pretends to drive a car while reading the words on his hand, which the judges eventually notice. Chris does a few air thrusts, while Sarah dances an Irish—no Scottish?—jig until she reenacts the ride ‘em cowgirl position from earlier, which Ed describes as a monkey being electrocuted on stage.  Sounds about right!

Once again, the Bible-thumpers shake their heads at all this dirty dancing. Disgraceful! The judges say they enjoyed Rachel and Nick, they detested Ed and Hatchet Face, and they found Chris and Sarah to be the most fun—like Sarah’s teal Grease Lightening pants.

Nick and Rachel win and use their roses as mics to perform an encore of their performance in their dressing room… where thankfully no one can hear. In another room, Chris and Sarah aren’t knocking boots; he’s just throwing them. And like them, Hatchet Face is stressing that her BFF might not pick her to be in the finals.

Before the rose ceremony, Rachel and Nick make a check list of Pros and Cons for each couple, but honestly, Nick already had his speech prepared. Nick: “The more strategic move is to take Chris and Sarah to the finals… we cannot take Ed and Jaclyn—they are the most popular in the house. Who’s caused more drama in the house? Chris and Sarah… that’s enough for me to make a decision. We’re playing with fire, taking Ed and Jaclyn. We have to be smart about this. Without a doubt, we’ll win this thing if we take Chris and Sarah. What are you here for? You’re here for the money, right? Friendships will be there, but if you want the money, we take Chris and Sarah. We have guaranteed votes if we take [them]. We’ve gotta take ‘em. They have caused issues in this house… we can take advantage of it. All of their screw-ups are gonna work to our advantage, and we’re gonna cash in.” After that speech, he could convince me to sell my best friend’s kidney on the black market. Rachel caves and bestows Hatchet Face with a one-way ticket home and a luxurious limousine ride to the airport. What else are best friend’s for?

And just like that, the UGLY CRY returns! Rachel can’t even look at her. Hatchet Face has to declaw that piece of shit from their embrace. Ed says “Rachel owed that to Jaclyn” who never betrayed her in the entire season, except when Jaclyn pledged loyalty to Blakeley.

Rachel says money is ugly, but so is Hatchet Face. Dun dun dun! Rachel thinks she made the wrong decision, but I say, honey, if you win, take her out to lunch and buy her a really nice purse… and a scarf to cover up her face. Stay tuned for the most dramatic finale EVER! Seriously!! I know most of what goes down, and it’s gory. So gory, you won’t be able to look away, unless it’s from Hatchet Face, of course!


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