(Pop) Culture Shock

It comes in waves

How about another COCKamamie challenge?

Posted by emzkbd on August 29, 2012

Finale spoilers are out, but no, I won’t spoil it, athough I will say that it sounds like it will be the most gory Bachelor Pad—even Bachelor franchise—finale we’ve seen in awhile. Stay tuned for that on September 10!

On to Monday night’s episode, we begin with the Widow Rachel bawling her eyes out because the love of her fifteen-minutes-of-fame has been sent home. Jaclyn, a.k.a. Hatchet Face, tries to comfort her; although in that moment, I’m sure no one wants to look at that face.

Chris Harrison comes back into the mansion after the rose ceremony to tell everyone they’ll be competing as couples—which means Rachel has to pair up with Nick, “who hasn’t spoken this entire season time.”

Chris and Sarah are gloating because they survived, while Ed and his posse are reeling that those two are still there.

The next morning the crew is greeted by a big yellow school bus. Blakeley may want to consider taking the shortbus. “Well, the school bus will probably take us to a school. Perfect—not my strong suit!” Buses or schools or academia in general?

Principal Harrison meets them at a performing arts center, where the remaining contestants will compete in the First Annual Bachelor Pad Spelling Bee. Does that mean they plan on doing this challenge again? If so, I don’t think the shortbus will hold everyone.

Principal Harrison explains how a spelling bee works. Come on, I’m sure even mentally handicapped children know what it entails; although in this version, the couples have to alternate letters while spelling.

Once the guest judges arrive from Hogwarts, the contestants begin spelling a round of simple four letter words. At least they all passed the first grade. Kalon does his best Sherminator (from American Pie) impression: “It may be summer, but school’s in session. And Kalon and Linzdi have this in the bag.” Should have said backpack, dude! Would have been way cooler!

The brightest bulb in the bunch—Sarah—calls everyone an idiot, and I’d say that was a good assessment. “A” for effort!

Hatchet Face: “Literally, the little bell ringer—Harry Potter—was disgusted with us… I will put you on that bus and send you off to a faraway place where mommy and daddy won’t know where you are.” You mean, Hogwarts is real?!

The competition comes down to Ed & Jaclyn and Chris & Sarah. Chris knows “philanderer” by heart, while Ed and Hatchet Face struggle with “boutonniere” (yes, I had to spell check that one) and “flabbergasted” (which I can understand wanting to use an “H” because that’s how you spell “aghast”, as in “I am aghast when I look at Jaclyn’s face”).

Everyone was rooting for Ed and Hatchet Face. The spelling bee continues through 14 rounds because no one knows how to spell anything. Ed and Hatchet Face get to spell “cockamamie”, and they have no trouble with the cock part.

Kalon: “Ed’s been fucking Jaclyn this whole time, but now he’s fucking us.”

Chris and Sarah win it on “serendipity”, and it is quite fitting because that was an easy word. Those lucky bastards! Blakeley begins to have hot flashes. Principal Harrison tells Chris and Sarah—who now think they’re the smartest people in the world—that they won roses and an overnight date, which starts immediately. Ed and Hatchet Face also get an overnight date because producers want to encourage as much sex as possible.

On National Chris and Sarah day—or as I like to call it “When pigs think they can fly” day—they land near Blakeley and Tony’s campsite where they board a toy train. Sarah hopes it’ll take them somewhere “very, very cool” because she feels like a Babe in Toyland. Miraculously they somehow managed to wear their bathing suits to the challenge so they could romantically jump into a lake while a cover of a Coldplay melody plays in the background. You know the one!

Chris is debating if he wants to take their relationship to the next level. Liiiiiike butt sex? I’m not really sure where else you can go from where you’ve been, Chris.

At the mansion, Rachel is attacking her face with a makeup brush. Jab, jab, jab! Hatchet Face says Rachel’s a stage seven earthquake who’s about to crumble leave because she doesn’t want to play the game without Michael. She also tells some of the guys that her original alliance was with Rachel and Blakeley. Hold the phone! That first night, weren’t Hatchet Face and Rachel trash-talking Blakeley behind her back—making fun of her glittery skirt and her ability to make an asshole fuzz free?

Once Rachel has attempted to conceal her dark circles, she and Nick have a heart-to-heart. I’m surprised he didn’t grope her and slip his tongue in her throat like he did when he consoled Donna on her last night in the mansion. Rachel just doesn’t feel like Nick’s tiny peen is worth the money.

Next thing you know it’s nightfall, and Chris and Sarah are dining in a barn—one more place for her to check off her “Sex in Alternative Places” list. Chris can’t wait to talk about Emily, but he’s quick to correct Sarah that he DID have another relationship—his sophomore year of high school. Code for playa!

Chris: “I think great things come unexpectedly, and I can honestly say that you came unexpectedly. Now I’m going to cum unexpectedly… on your face.”

Sarah: “There’re so many different sides to Chris that people don’t get to see, but that’s okay because I’m getting to see them… like his hairy backside.”

In another dark part of California, Hatchet Face and Blakeley are reassuring Debbie Downer, who still wants to go home.

Hatchet Face: “If you’re ever feeling lonely, just come to us… ABC can film it and air it on Skinemax like Big Brother, which airs after dark on Showtime.”

The girls strategize to send home Kalon and Lindzi because Lindzi hasn’t invested that much in the game, only in Kalon’s peen. Crisis averted—Rachel agrees to stay so she can win and take Michael and his new girlfriend on a vacation. Blakeley, on the other hand, wants to get cable… to watch Skinemax. At least that explains the hilarious skit at the end where Ed (as Tony) is doggie-styling Sarah (as Blakeley). Hatchet Face tells her she also can quit waxing assholes.

Back on the date, Sarah tells Chris that they have something so unique, different and special than everyone else in the house. I call that a venereal disease, although at this point I’m sure Ed and Hatchet Face share that, too.

Chris says Sarah is the kind of person who lives life to the fullest by banging every single guy she can in as many places as possible. Chris is also trying to pull one over on Sarah AND on the rest of America by telling us that he might have a future with her. Now I don’t know if they’re still together, but I would bet money that he’s moved on to banging other former contestants.

The next day Ed and Hatchet Face get to “castaway” and talk about their feelings. Sarah: “What’s castaway?” Clearly, Sarah is not Tom Hanks fan, but she sure does feel bad for Hatchet Face. Blakeley says, “Jaclyn should have kneed Ed in the ‘you-know-what’.” From donkey-punch to the throat to traumatizing a penis, Blakeley sure does know her self-defense mechanisms.

Ed and Hatchet Face depart in a tiny plane, and during her plane ride Hatchet Face admits to letting out a little “OHHH”, which sounds more pleasurable than terrified. They touchdown in the most god-forsaken land ever, and the plane leaves them to their awkward conversation.

Ed admits he’s been pursuing someone back home for awhile. They broke up because he is an inevitable cheater who knew his peen would be getting some exercise on Bachelor Pad. Hatchet Face says she didn’t know about this other girl, but since Ed told Sarah he thought it would get around like she does. What a doozy, huh Jaclyn? She’s always the girl getting effed in the end… or in the beginning, depending on how you look at it.

At the mansion, Tony is falling for Blakeley. He sets the mood, although I’m sure he could have done a lot less to get into her panties. He begins to reveal his stalker tendencies: “She’s the first thing I think about when I wake up and make hand party, and the last thing I think about when I go to bed with the lotion and Kleenex… You have very pretty eyes that I want to preserve in wax…  I won’t hurt you unless you misbehave.”

Blakeley says she needs a strong (hairy) lumber man she can wax and she hopes their short-term relationship lasts outside the show. Well, it sounds like you both have wax in common. That’s a start!

Ed and Hatchet Face head to dinner. Apparently she thinks they’re having a slutty wedding because she’s wearing a oh-so-short doily. More awkward conversation ensues.

Ed: “Is this a Facebook status thing? Because if so, then it’s definitely complicated.”

Hatchet Face: “You’re making me feel like an insignificant piece of shit. I don’t want to look like a whore.” Too late!

Ed: “Ok, I don’t want to look like an asshole. Let’s put a definition around this. Should we check Facebook first? By the way, we have amazing sex chemistry. I still want to continue being close to you… with my peen. Sleeping in the same bed as you is very comforting and it makes my peen very happy. Let’s make out!”

Hatchet Face: “Why is he acting like such a douche?! We have bonded in more ways than one… in more positions than Sarah can count. Why not just keep going with the flow? It is what it is—a dirty, nasty hookup.” Been there, done that!

Another morning after… Ed and Hatchet Face return with roses to save another couple. Hatchet Face wants people to plead their case, even though they’ve already made up their minds. Blakeley immediately lays on the kiss-ass. She pledges allegiance to the Ed and Hatchet Face and their United States of Bullshit.

When it’s Lindzi and Kalon’s turn, Lindzi admits that she’s only friends with Hatchet Face on a surface level. Have you seen her surface level lately? Goo! Then Lindzi gets kinky and offers to be their bitch. In the end though, Blakeley and Tony get the roses.

Kalon: “Just because we’re not emotional alcoholics running around crying about our feelings, doesn’t mean we can’t win.” I’m thinking he should have re-thought his strategy.

Meanwhile, Nick isn’t worried in the least, as he stuffs his face with… what exactly? Since when do they get catered food? Rachel, too, looks like she’s been stress-eating—either that or she bought her dresses two sizes too small.

Kalon calls Lindzi an “absolute priority.” He sits her down and tells her how’s it’s going to go. Kalon: “We don’t have any blood on our hands, so let’s act like the bitches we are.”

Kalon lays it on thick with Blakeley and Tony: “Hey, power couple… I hope you maintain the integrity of your vote.” Sly smile, wink, thumbs up! They eat it up. Tony: “Kalon’s my boy!” What’s with him and Chris? Why weren’t they saying this when Kalon was referring to Ricki as “baggage”?

Nick corners Blakeley and Tony, and clearly he is not as eloquent as Kalon. “Ugh, err, umm, I’ve had your backs this entire time. Kalon’s a snake in the grass.” He starts digging a hole, and Rachel calls him a lunatic.

Tony:  “Nick kinda shot from the mouth when he shouldn’t have… and if Ed were around I’m sure he would have shot right back. It would have been a cock fight for sure.” Kalon can be heard cackling in the courtyard. “With these idiots, the power of suggestion is a lovely, lovely thing.”

Lo and behold, Blakeley and Tony get all buddy-buddy with Chris and Sarah. These four are talking like old friends who haven’t seen each other naked yet. Tony: “Nick should be lucky to BE in his position. I wonder if he can even spell ‘serendipity’. Rachel is vulnerable and probably an easy lay like Sarah… or Jaclyn. Take your pick.”

Meanwhile, Rachel is having another meltdown, so someone breaks the rules and lets her call Michael, who is like “Why are you calling me? I have concert dates to schedule and crappy Gavin Degraw-like songs to write.”

Nick: “She’s talking to Michael. {eye roll} Why would you do that? It’s STUPID.” {Smacks forehead}

In the kitchen, Nick demonstrates what he’d like to do to Rachel by smashing a rose on the countertop. After everyone votes, Kalon and Lindzi are sent home. Lindzi: “Bye friends… thanks for sending us home!” But Kalon wants to keep the nooky alive by hopping in her limo.

They’re falling in love (aww). Will they survive? Only in Bachelor fantasyland…

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