(Pop) Culture Shock

It comes in waves

Love don’t come easy, but your peen sure does

Posted by emzkbd on August 21, 2012

Well, well, well, if it isn’t Blakeley’s Pad. (Maybe I should have re-thought that opening!)

After last week’s Blakeley versus Jamie Who-Gives-Better-Head Showdown, we’re left with the inner musings of a donkey-punching horse face.  That would be Blakeley, who feels like she won the lottery and could use the money for a breast reduction so that her ginormous ta-tas don’t distract from her winning personality. She compares her shady partner Chris to the shit on the bottom of her shoe. Wait, she stepped in shit?

Cut to Chris, climbing into his bunk bed, sighing “Woe is me… Blakeley has taken over my life… now I’ll never get laid again.” Blah blah blah… I’d really love to see one of those bunk beds implode and crash to the floor, preferably with Chris nestled inside. Then they’d have so much room for activities in there!

Sarah appears and wants to make hand party with Chris. His response: “TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF… you might have stepped in the same shit as Blakeley. Oh wait, I’m the shit!”

The remaining contestants stay up late gabbing like schoolgirls at a slumber party. They’re all in agreement that Chris should just pack his bags, take the next flight home, and schedule a VD test. Meanwhile, Chris is trying to find the rat… not the one hiding out in their kitchen.

Kalon’s a liar? So what! Man-child Chris can’t handle the truth. He thinks he and Kalon were in it together, but Kalon admitted to voting for Jamie. At that, Chris wants to slap Kalon in the face and Sarah on the ass.

Coincidentally, Sarah finds a rose in Chris’s sheets and feels like she’s back on The Bachelor all over again. “Chris is so sweet. He removed all the petals from this rose and hid it under his pillow for me to find. Nevermind! That Jamie bitch probably stashed it here as a death threat.” To which Kalon replies, “That’s how he got Emily.” Yeah, that and “I TOLD YOU I LOVED YOU. I thought that was the universal phrase for panty dropping.”

From the bed to the couch (yeah, that’s how she rolls), Sarah follows Chris like a lap dog. Chris confronts Ed, and Ed defends Hatchet Face. Sarah: “Ed? How can you only trust Jaclyn? We had sex. I thought that meant something.” Now I’m starting to see the chemistry between Sarah and Chris.

The Grown-Ass Man and Ed bicker about their votes. Ed apologizes, says the game is stupid, and is handed a wine glass and told to smash it to bits for no apparent reason other than Chris is a whiny baby. As my friend Kait said, I just want to give him a pacifier, and as Hatchet Face said, “He wants to have a good time with nipples in his mouth.” Same diff!

For this week’s challenge—the Great Fall of China, har har har—the contestants have to stack and carry dishware. Blakeley is soooo glad she worked at Boobs & Wings Hooters for thirty-five thirteen years, but Ericka Rose is jealous because she feels like she has yet to find a challenge that caters to her strengths. Like shopping … or botox!

Needless to say, these ladies weren’t sugar plum fairies, and it takes forever. I could have finished a cup of tea before they finished the challenge. And just when Chris thinks Sarah has it in the sink, she gets a little handsy and touches her cups. Chris is turned on until Blakeley wins.

During commercial, Chris Harrison asked if I was the perfect match for the next Bachelor? I looked down at my vagina, thought it looked a little too clean, and decided it could use some corruption. I’ll be sending my application and lacy panties shortly.

Next up are the guys, who appear more poised and concentrated. Reigning champ Blakeley coaches Tony, which causes Chris to say Blakeley is over-the-top and can’t keep her mouth shut. Like when she had your penis in it? I bet that was a good time.

In the end though, Blakeley’s big mouth helped Tony win, and to show his gratitude Tony pledges to be the best long-term partner he can be to Blakeley. Wow, this guy is wasting no time finding a new mommy for his kid. Rumor has it that he might propose at the BP finale taping this weekend. I wonder if the producers will stage it like they did with Holly and Blake last season.

Later, Chris Harrison returns to confirm Blakeley will take Tony on her date. Since this is a repeat of last week’s scenario, Blakeley gets to hand out a rose to another guy—Kalon. She also gets to choose between two dates—a romantic evening or the overnight date. Since her vagina felt left out with Chris and his many concubines, she hopes to get lucky (and spoiled) on the overnight date, which means Kalon gets a romantic evening with a pretty woman—Lindzi. They get the basic Bentley and diamonds date! Nothing too flashy! Pffft…

Blakeley is trying to contain her jealousy, but she’s optimistic. “If they get Bentley and diamonds, I can’t imagine what we get!” I’m guessing this is a “Less is more” lesson to be learned.

Since Kalon always has a driver/pilot/babysitter, he gets lost on his way to their date—a dinner on a secluded bridge with a chandelier that looks like it could fall at any second. Before their meal, Kalon launches into a romantic dialogue, during which Lindzi acknowledges his sentiments with a tardy laugh.

Back at the mansion, Chris plans to drink until he passes out. He went from King of the Castle to the manure man, so he starts conspiring to send Lindzi home because she’s trapped in Kalon’s spell. Clearly, because she’s spread eagle on the Bentley!

The next day, Tony plants to put his peen the moves on Blakeley, who is stressin’ about the date. Ed tells her to relax… because no one cares. Chris thinks their date will be awkward because Blakeley is so overpowering. Yeah, I totally saw her holding you down, Chris, and sticking her tongue down your throat, you man whore!

After all the build-up of what it could be, Blakeley steps outside to find a map, a jeep…  and a date with a lumber salesman, a.k.a. Mr. Pathetic, a.k.a. Tony. In a matter of seconds, so fast it’ll make your head spin, Blakeley can’t decide if she wants to let her hair down (wink, wink) or put it in pigtails. Either way, I think Tony’s dick will end up in her mouth trough. Queue Chris: “Blakeley, why the long face?”

On the other hand, Ericka Rose thinks this is the perfect date for someone trashy like Blakeley. She’s got masculine tattoos, and she used to work at Hooters. Forget about the pigtails, fake tits, and nearly nude pics… Ericka is obviously spot on with her definition of “trashy.”

As they drive away, Kalon says he and Blakeley are good friends, and he never would have seen Blakeley and Tony ending up together. Probably because she’s a preying-mantis who will donkey punch you to the throat rather than bite your head off.

Blakeley is still waiting for a helicopter or diamond earrings to drop out of the sky, but instead, they pull up to a trailer. She seems upset, but isn’t that the typical abode for a Hooters waitress?

Back at the house, Chris wants to suck (up to) and blow it over with Ed. Apparently their experimental phase isn’t over. After they do their thang, Chris has Ed on board to take out Lindzi.

Over to more sucking and blowing… oh wait, that comes later. Tony and Blakeley are grilling in the desert. Blakeley asks Tony if he wants a big piece because obviously that what she wants—whether it’s a diamond or his peen. She’s really willing to open up to Tony, so much so that she basically confesses she’s afraid to be left and she plans to latch on to Tony like a parasite.

Tony is like the “Jamie” of the men—naïve. “You’ve been with the wrong dudes, and I think I’d be different for you. I’ve been hurt the worst you can get hurt—by putting my peen inside an impregnable woman. I just want to live in the moment and see where it goes, and by it, I’m still referring to my peen.”

Meanwhile, Michael is wooing Rachel by pulling a Womack (pulling Emily aside at a rose ceremony with a picnic). He talks about his ex; she swoons.

Simultaneously, Tony turns on the jeep radio and finds this gem—“Love don’t come easy.” He and Blakeley slow dance under the stars. Then EVERYONE starts making out, except for Hatchet Face who only gets to stroke Ed’s head. If all the couples were together, it would be an orgy fo shizzle.

The next morning, Blakeley and Tony make their walk of shame—shameful because they couldn’t bathe. As they re-cap their date for their other housemates, Tony is smitten. Chris thinks he’s been brainwashed and the next day they’ll get married on the wet Bachelor driveway.

Chris pulls Tony aside and tells him he doesn’t want Tony to give Lindzi the rose. So Tony consults Blakeley, who is ready to send Chris and Sarah home, but Tony thinks Sarah is a good person. Oh no! Did she blow you, too?

Tony is about to present the rose when Chris, the king of curve balls, interjects and pulls Tony aside, again. Chris is always trying to change the rosegiver’s mind at the last minute, and in this case, it seemingly worked well for everyone. Tony doesn’t give the rose to Lindzi or Sarah; instead he hands it to Hatchet Face. The world may never know why…

Before the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison checks the relationship pulses of all the couples. Everyone admits to being romantically involved with their partner, but Ed emotionally slaps Hatchet Face in the… errr, hatchet face… when he says their relationship is strictly platonic.

Then Mr. Harrison says he wants to shake things up, so he’s bringing in strippers. Just kidding! Unless you count Blakeley! To switch it up, everyone must vote for a girl, and whoever that girl is gets to take out any guy she chooses. Before he leaves, Mr. Harrison also says they’ll have Depends available for any contestant who pisses or shits themselves because of his announcement.

The strategizing begins. Forget Depends, Michael needs to take a shower after this rose ceremony since he’s gunning for his “friend” Ericka Rose. He hopes she’ll think that Chris is the mastermind of that plan, since he’s done so well thus far.

In a more quiet section of the house, Hatchet Face and Ed are staring at each other. Her expression reads, “You fucking dick.” His: “You only get what you give.” And, BOOM, the ugly cry is back!  Ed apologizes and claims to be pursuing someone back home. Good luck with that, girlie!

Once Ericka Rose finds out Chris is plotting her demise, she goes straight to the source. After being prompted by Kalon, Chris proceeds to take Ericka into the deliberation room and stuff that ballot box. She is so impressed that she confronts Michael and says if she goes home then she’s taking the house down with her. Once the roses are given, Ericka picks Michael to leave with her. She calls him out as a dictator and a tiny little man. Michael admits to getting off Ericka. Eww! This is not going well!

Ericka also pulls the mother of all low blows, telling Michael that dumping him and marrying Blake was the smartest decision Holly ever made. Rachel breaks down at the mere mention of Holly and wants to go home, too, but Michael convinces her to stay and find a new peen to play with. With that, Nick is all ears!

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