(Pop) Culture Shock

It comes in waves

We’ve got a stage five clinger… she’ll find you

Posted by emzkbd on August 15, 2012

If The Bachelor portrays the fairy tale, then Bachelor Pad epitomizes the pages of He’s Just Not That Into You. At least Monday night’s episode sure did! From Prince Charming to emotional rapists, oh how the mighty have fallen.

We begin after the most shocking rose ceremony ever… not really because Reid started to dig his own grave last week and Donna’s big tits couldn’t keep her fan-dom afloat any longer. Ed cannot believe his name was being called, which much be a change because I’m sure he hears it repeatedly from all the skanks he drags home. Speaking of… Hatchet Face tells him he’s “a winner, not a loser” … snort, snort… like Dumby McDumberstein. At least that’s how it sounded to me.

In other news, Jamie doesn’t have any friends, so she’s prepared to suck a lotta dick this week to stick around.

This week’s challenge is meant to start drama. The remaining contestants have to complete a survey about their castmates. Kalon expects lots of tears because every answer will be either Ericka or him… who’s the ugliest, who’s the smartest. I can’t lie—Kalon is a stitch and I love him!

What sounds like The Price is Right is actually “The Price is Your Dignity.” First women, then men, have to answer some trivia—both pop culture and Bachelor-themed—and then some questions about fellow contestants.

Ericka: “It all came down to who can stick their hand on that buzzer first.” Well gee, I had no idea most of these whores could make hand party or using a buzzing device. I’m looking at you Ericka Rose.

When it came to the personal questions, Rachel almost peed her pants. Why? I’m not sure—embarrassment, anxiety, overactive bladder. She never quite explained.

What did we learn?

Ed is a narcissistic old-timer who daydreams about ménage a trois.

Blakeley has accomplished the least because she’s spent so much time pole-dancing. The dizzying effects have given her amnesia… so she can’t remember the number of sex partners she’s had.

Ericka Rose eats her hair, probably because she tries to starve herself but gets hungry and eats whatever she sees first flailing in front of her face.

David has sexy thoughts about the women because he can’t get any sexy time with any one. Period. Remember when Jamie put him in the friend zone last week?

Sarah will get it on with anyone, anywhere—including a parking garage.

Jamie wants to pee on Chris… because HE’S SOOOO HOT. Just marking her territory! She’s also hanging on every guy like the trimmings on a Christmas tree, she thinks Hatchet Face is faker than the eyelashes she (Jamie) wears, and who could forget that Blakeley still hates her vajazzling guts.

Nope, I think I already knew all this. Let me check my previous posts…

Ed and Jaclyn win the competition, and Rachel and David had the lowest scores so they get penalty votes at the rose ceremony. Afterward, Jamie has a meltdown, so Kalon corners her with his unbuttoned shirt and “soothes” her. “When you put a dog down, you pet its head.” I cringed so hard I came.

Meanwhile, Blakeley is having a freak-out because Chris was cheering for Sarah during the competition. He thinks she’s gonna stab him, but what we already know is that she wants to donkey-punch him in the throat. I am looking forward to this show down next week very much.

And then it’s Date Day, and Hatchet Face gets her first Bachelor date. Maybe it’s because no one wants to be alone with her butter face. Did you see all the guys? Their expressions read: “Please don’t pick me. I can’t bear to look at your ugly mug for more than 10 seconds.”

She ends up picking Ed (can they say no?), and Sarah thinks it’s sooooo annoying. “She’s under this illusion that her and Ed are in this really, like, deep partnership. And she now thinks that being a ‘partner’ is being, like, a life partner… in a relationship.” 1. What other life partners are there? Like Misty May and Kerri? 2. What does she think she and Ed have, other than a positive HIV test?

Ed and Hatchet Face go to an empty Dodger stadium. Hatchet thinks they’re tiny little ants… which I’d like to spray with Raid. Ed feels like he’s at the White House, where great things happen, since he’s probably a Cubs fan. Ed sings the National Anthem Row, Row, Row Your Boat; I giggle. Then they play with some balls, which Hatchet Face is used to since no guy wants to be intimate with her face unless it’s with his junk. Ed gets a hummer homer.

Back at the house, Sarah says, “Ed and Jaclyn have only hooked up one time, and so did I, but I didn’t claim him, at least not to his face like Jaclyn did. Our hook-up was way more intense.”

Before things get sexy at the ballpark, Hatchet Face reads a note from Chris Harrison. Oh you silly man, you always know when to kill the mood with your roses! Apparently, Ed will be forgoing his date because he already got a rose and a date with Hatchet Face. Instead, he gets to give a rose to another dude. Wait, I thought The Bachelor – Homoerotic Encounters was too controversial for ABC?

In the hot tub, we find Rachel and Blakeley. No, not in that way! Blakeley’s bitchin’ about Chris’s cheerleading skills at the challenge. I don’t know about you, but I heard “Be Aggressive, B-E AGGRESSIVE!” Isn’t that what these women have been doing?

Chris can’t wait until Blakeley goes to bed so he can get some. He admits to being sneaky with his Mr. Squeaky. He also calls Jamie “desperate,” which, let’s face it, she is.

Jamie: “I heard you’re tough to get to bed. Do I have to club you and drag you, caveman-style?”

Chris: “Please stop talking. I just want to look at your boobs.”

In another part of town, Ed and Hatchet Face are sharing a foot-long and licking each other’s faces. They can’t decide whom to give the rose to. Ed is already convinced it should go to his life partner Chris. Sorry, Sarah and Hatchet Face, you were both wrong about Ed!

Next thing you know, Ed and Hatchet Face are on the kiss-cam, and I think I see Ed throw up in his mouth. Once they kiss, the sky lights up with fireworks that spell out “Congratulations, you’ve got herpes.”

As the night wanes, all we see is Chris feelin’ up Jamie, while all we hear is Jamie’s jibber-jabber: “Ohmigosh, am I really in this gorgeous, wonderful man’s arms? I don’t wanna get hurt. I’m not sure I can trust him. I don’t want to get close to you if I’m just leaving. Send Blakeley home so I can have you to myself.”

But Chris just wants some punani, so he macks on her face until she shuts up. Chris: “There’s no spark there.” But in Jamie’s head, and to all us viewers, she’s saying, “I’m so happy. It doesn’t seem like he’s playing a game. He’s just being honest.”  Then…

Chris: “My shorts are wet.”

(How’d that happen?)

Jamie: “Why don’t you take them off?”

Chris: “I’m playing a game here. It’s called ‘Slip ‘N Slide on Jamie’s Vagina’. I’m gonna have all the bitches linin’ up.”

Jamie: “You like me?”

Chris: “I do like you.”

Jamie: “A lot?”

Chris: {Raper voice} “Mayyyyyybe.”

And then more of Jamie’s delusional rant: “I really haven’t felt this way about someone so quickly. Having his big arms wrapped around me and his warm body pressed up against me. I really feel like I can trust him.” 1. Yep, that sounds like emotional rape. 2. Didn’t you just say you can’t trust him?

The next day, overwhelmed with love after Chris finger-dipped her, Jamie gushes to Rachel about how she and Chris should be partners. “Chris was being so sweet to me. We spent the night cuddling, and he held my hand and put his arm around me. It melted me. That’s just so wonderful to have someone caring about me. That is SUCH a good feeling.” Sooooo, that’s what men call an easy lay!

Jamie is hoping Chris gets the rose so he can take her on a date, while Blakeley hopes he gets it to honor what they have as partners. Needless to say, Chris gets the date card, which says to pick the woman who’s ready for some action. Clearly, that’s not Frigidaire Blakeley. He’d spend hours trying to thaw out her nether region. And it’s not Jamie either, because for every action, there’s a reaction. Stage Five Clinger Alert!

Who’s left? Sarah! Huh?! As Blakeley put it, “I guess he wanted some action like the card said.” Before he leaves, he’s cornered by both his former flames. Blakeley wants to know what’s up, so Chris tells her she’s overwhelming and he’d like to switch partners. At least, that’s what I interpreted from their discussion. Blakeley starts to cry. It’s all just so confusing!

Next up is Jamie. Chris tells her that he had to tell Blakeley there is nothing romantic between him and Sarah, and he wishes he could take Jamie, who totally eats up his bullshit. “That’s the great thing about him—he doesn’t get pleasure out of causing pain.” Are you sure about that?

Jamie: “I’m excited for you to get back.”

Chris: “Yeah, I’ll be back.”

Jamie: “You better come back… or I’ll find youuuuu.” Poke, poke!

Chris and Sarah leave for their date, and they’re abducted… to a parking garage. Wait a second… are they going to have sex there? Boy, has Sarah moved on fast from Ed, or what?!

Actually their action-packed date means they’ll be part of an action flick. Some Ang Lee wannabe appears, and Sarah confesses she has three years of kung fu experience. She proceeds to kick Chris’s ass. Next, they have a staring contest; Sarah wants to make out… with his penis. When the cameras start rolling, Sarah struts out in Catwoman leather pants with her VPL and saves Chris from emotional terrorists scary white guys.  After one kiss, Sarah says they can’t keep their hands off each other.

At the house, Chris Harrison arrives with another rose for Ed to present to another lady. Immediately, Blakeley makes herself known. “Ed, what do you want for dinner?” Please, we all know pussy is not something you’re serving up these days, Blakeley. Ed sneaks off to give his rose to Rachel, who just so happens to be Hatchet Face’s bestie.

Strategery begins. Blakeley feels like she could be targeted by rose-toting Chris, but Jamie also wants her gone. The two come face-to-face, and Blakeley admits Chris played her. All Jamie is hearing is Blakeley isn’t interested in Chris anymore, not her unspoken warning “he’ll-do-it-to-you-too.” Jamie can’t WAIT for Chris to get home.

Cut to Chris and Sarah having a rooftop dinner, where they mouth-fuck and he gives her a strawberry rose. They’re tongue-tangoing turns sexually explosive, so much so that Sarah ends up on top of Chris. Producers had to intervene before Chris shplooged in the pool. Chris equates Sarah to a new car, one he plans to ride until he her engine blows.

Back home, Jamie is waiting by the door like a puppy dog, but Chris and Sarah are searching for their hotel room where they plan to have SEX—the really dirty kind.

The next morning, those two come crawling in with their sex hair. Jamie is crushed and cannot believe Chris would do that to her. Obviously, she is not very observant. Otherwise, she and Blakeley would be BFFs.

Later, it’s rose ceremony time, which means the arrival of Chris Harrison and his vagina hands. He plays therapist until the minions scatter. David knows he’s the last fan standing, so as Chris Harrison says, he better work it. Hatchet Face suggests Nick as a possible target, so David proceeds to lather up the other women with sweet talk. As a result, we hear from Nick, who has been silent most of the season. He tries to make a deal with Jamie to vote off Blakeley and David.

When it comes to the men’s votes, it’s a tossup between two crazy bitches—Blakeley and Jamie. Kalon is still running with his “tell-everyone-what-they-want-to-hear” strategy. Meanwhile, Chris is petitioning to send home Blakeley because she causes the most waves; he can screw Jamie into submission, but Blakeley refuses to be screwed with.

Ed tells Chris that he can’t control all his hos under the same roof. Clearly, Blakeley is the bigger threat.  She donkey-punches people in the throat. They should be scared! But as fate would have it, Jamie and David are sent home. Chris feels lied to. How could they send his fuck buddy home?! He tries his best sincere impersonation when Jamie tries to confront him, saying he tried to keep her there. Pfft…

Then the voice of reason speaks: “Chris has been going around starting a lot of little fires in girls’ pants, and if you play with fire, you get burned.” I can’t decide if this is in reference to a venereal disease or… another venereal disease. Tune in next week to see which one!

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