(Pop) Culture Shock

It comes in waves

Hot sludge fundae, or as I like to call it “Got Sluts Monday”

Posted by emzkbd on August 8, 2012

I should probably apologize for not posting a re-cap yesterday, but then I thought, the only ones who should be apologizing were the cast of Monday’s show. Man was that a boring episode! I think my girlfriends and I talked more about the drama in our own lives than we paid attention to the contestant’s shenanigans. I think the most interesting part was the last two minutes when the rat was running around the kitchen at the mansion. Come on guys! Haven’t you seen Ratatouille? Poor little guy prolly just wanted to try a new recipe.

The night begins by setting us up for the battle royale between Ed and Reid. Anyone else think it would be more entertaining to see these two use their penises as light sabers and have at it? Especially if Ed makes the sound effects and Reid goes all James Earl Jones: “Ed, I am your father. Join me on the dark conspiratorial side. Muahahaha!”

Reid is afraid his strategy is going to get back to Ed, so he goes to Donna for her perspective. He gives her a play-by-play, during which her mouth drops open (no, I’m not referring to her dick-taking ability), followed by “That makes no sense!” Reid: “Are you sure you’re not really a blonde?”

Sarah wants to apologize to Ed for planning to vote him off by planting her lips on his man meat, but Ed responds, “Now is not a good time. I need to get Jaclyn more champagne.” As a result, Sarah wallows in self-pity, feeling so terrible for being a mean girl. “I know he’s kind of socially retarded and weird, but he’s my fuck buddy, so just promise me you won’t try to vote Ed off of Bachelor Pad again. Ok, guys?” Boo, you whore!

Ed tells Hatchet Face he feels like maybe he should go home, but she says she’d be a floater if he leaves. Umm, I kinda feel like you’re already a turd roaming about the mansion. Don’t think that would change if Ed left. After speaking with Hatchet Face, Ed has clarity—he decides to stay in the cesspool of fame whores.

The next morning, I thought I saw Chris Harrison, but it was just the talking wallpaper that sounded like him.

Mr. Harrison tells the horny Brady Bunch that they’ll be competing as couples somewhere no one can witness their depravity. Everyone gets dressed, but not before David has a chance to rifle through Mr. Harrison’s dirty laundry. Found it!

Oh sorry! The buttons are different!

This week’s challenge—an obstacle course called hot sludge fundae. To mix it up, the contestants move one person to their left and get a new partner. Captain Obvious—Jamie—can be heard whispering “We have to win!” to Ed, who doesn’t seem to give a shit… unless it’s a blonde floater.

Kalon, on the other hand, is thrilled to be partnered with Ericka Rose. He has confidence in her abilities—“she can eat her way through Pac-man style.”

Michael says once the whistle blows, they can kinda see the girls’ heads bob down. Yep, that pretty much sums up this show. Ed says Jamie pops up first. Clearly, this one’s worried about getting the shaft (just not Chris’s), so she knows she has to out-perform the other girls in the nut sack.

Chris Harrison: “Chris is finally making his way across the field of whipped cream after a late hand off from Jaclyn.” Bet he had some chafing!

In the end, it’s Ed and Chris on the slippery slope, but unfortunately for Ed, he couldn’t finish. “This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me!” What about that time where you couldn’t get it up on national TV? Yeah, remember that?!

As a result of his flaccid performance, Ed and Jamie are penalized and have an automatic vote against them. On the other hand, the rat race came down to David and Michael. Chris Harrison said it was so close that the producers had to review the tape, and it turns out David beat Michael by a nut nose. He and Rachel win the challenge and earn group dates with the chance to hand out their own STDs roses. As a preview of what’s to come, Reid hoses everyone down.

Once they return to the mansion, Donna tells Blakeley she would rather do rhythmic gymnastics naked then roll around in hot fudge and whipped cream. Something tells me she’s a stripper, not a mud wrestler, at heart.

Meanwhile, everyone is worried about David and his obsession with the show—except Blakeley, who teased him by sticking her neck out for him last week in the least sexual way possible. “It’s up to you who you take on the date, but if you take me I can promise a whole lotta nothing because I’m a born-again virgin.”

The date card arrives and tells David to choose the three women he’ll never forget. That’s easy—Blakeley “Big Boobs”, Ericka Rose “The Erection Ruiner”, and Jamie “Blow Job Lips”. The four of them end up at the Bachelor Prom, which is very fitting because high school is rampant with cattiness and petty feuds like the one between Blakeley and Jamie. You’d swear all of these cheerleaders are trying to score with the guido-quarterback.

Back home, the crew is firing off limes because they drank all the tequila. Ed, who clearly needs a shower, exclaims he is not in favor of their antics. “I smell like a black guy I smell, like, a black eye!” Reid proceeds to fire a lime straight at his douche-y white face. Later, Reid looks deep into Ed’s eyes and tells him he wants to trust him.

At the Prom, David boasts he’s had luck date-rapin’ at functions like these and he’s ready to stash his pedo-face so that he can seduce the wannabe high-schoolers.

Jamie mentions that she didn’t make it to her senior prom, probably because she was too busy humping in her boyfriend’s backseat. She also says she loves country music and penises in her mouth. David is hypnotized, which causes Blakeley to snap “Hell to the N-O!”

Reverting to the mansion, Ed is struggling to carry Hatchet Face to his bedroom where he proceeds to make barnyard/cowboy noises. So that’s what you call porking!

Before it’s time to crown Prom Queen, Blow Job Lips lubes up with lots of tears. David is turned on until Blakeley arrives to reiterate her loyalty. That don’t mean shit when free pussy is on the table, honey! Sorry, Blakeley! Put out or get out!!

Nevertheless, David decides with this dickle and gives the rose to Jamie. As a result, David ends up on Blakeley’s “Diarrhea List.” I wonder what it takes to get on her constipated list.

The next day Rachel gets to choose three guys to get forgotten famous—Nick, Tony, and the Stag. Michael says Rachel is the reason he came back to Bachelor Pad, and if he can’t find love with a walking corpse then he’s shit outta luck.

This group gets to have the “Bachelor Experience”, which is ironically NOT a threesome, foursome or any other -some. They arrive at Madame Tussaud’s with dozens of wax figures. Turning a corner, they spot a life-like Chris Harrison, making the vagina hands. He comes to life, causing Michael to pee in his jeans. Like Chris, the groupies get to pose as figurines and scare the crap out of teenage girls and sexually confused men.

At the house, Jamie wants to please Chris and make him happy. This isn’t the forties, or a street corner, last I checked! She also says she wants to fall in love on TV, so she can show her kids how much of a whore she was in her twenties. She then goes on to seduce Chris OUT of bed, but he says “Not tonight! It’s me, not you! Seriously!! I haven’t told you I loved you, so go!”

Jamie: “I could have made it happen. Who says girls can’t rape guys? If you can’t ejaculate on my face in front of America, then you’re not the right person for me. I’m a little awkward sometimes… dating, talking, breathing. I really want a family, someone to spend the holidays with.” Maybe she should try the whole mail-order bride thing. Just a thought!

During the group date, Michael proposes to an unsuspecting fan, and Rachel launches a counter-attack. The woman he proposed to was clearly a threat, so Rachel gives Michael the rose to keep him on a leash. He calls it a romantic gesture, not a strategic gesture. Then out of nowhere, Tony interjects that it should have been his rose because he was the Alpha Male of the pack. Mr. Pathetic says he’d rather be making out with a smoker’s lung than stuck in a limo with Captain Protein Powder.

Later, Rachel and Michael have some alone time, where Michael confesses he kissed Donna (NO WAY!), but there were no warm fuzzies (just a mega-huge boner). See last week’s post—Mouth Intercourse: Practice Safe Smooching.

The next day, everyone scrambles like eggs. Sarah tells Ed, “They’re trying to conspire against you!” She also divulges that Reid told her to vote off Ed.

Ed: “If you cross me, then I’ll pop your inner tube.”

Sarah: “Sooooo, I’m hoping this means you’ll sleep with me again.”

Ed: “No, I’m going to smash this guy instead.”

Later, Ed plays the Batman to Reid’s Two-Face, and Reid plays by the cheater’s handbook: Deny, deny, deny. Ed threatens to pee in the pool if Reid doesn’t leave. I say, prove it!

The underdogs want to overthrow the power couples, which Ericka Rose claims would be a BP first. Unfortunately, for her, it isn’t, nor will we ever see her as part of a BP power couple, unless she swallows them whole— Pac-man style.

Chris tries to reassure Blakeley, but she is the only bitch in this house who’s not buying what Chris is selling. She says she’s a Scorpio, and she’ll sting the shit outta you. But first, she’ll have a good cry. So Mr. Pathetic comforts Blakeley: “You’re not going anywhere, except down on these nuts.” In comes Michael who thought he heard something about a nut sack and didn’t want to come in second to David again.

Donna, or as Ericka calls her “Danke Schoen”, is in the hot seat. She bites her lip. Someone’s obviously been emulating the Fifty Shades leading lady. She’s pissed everyone’s getting action except her, so she lets Nick feel her fake tit-tays. Capt. Protein Powder: “No one dislikes double D’s, so the guys plan to keep the T&A around.”

Voting begins, and Kalon holds Donna’s fate in his hands, while she’s creaming her panties on the couch with Nick. At the same time, Reid is trying to work out sexual favors with Hatchet Face.

Hatchet Face: “That’s hard for me to grasp.”

Reid: “Oh you bet it’s hard, baby. If it goes down that way, I want you to trust me not to thrust too deep. We can work on something.” {Wink}

Hatchet Face is clearly upset by Reid’s come-ons. “I didn’t expect him to pull a fast one on me tonight…with his penis.”

Reid: “I didn’t want it to happen this way, but Ed is screwed—just not in the way I’ll be screwing you later.” {Wink, wink} “No matter what happens, it would come down to a point anyway! In the end, everybody is gonna screw each other.” {Triple wink}

Unfortunately for Reid, the “keep your friends close, your enemies closer” proverb didn’t benefit him. Instead, Reid and the final female fan were eliminated, but not before Hatchet Face encouraged Reid to come back for another season… without his dishonesty.

Parting words –

Reid: “Bachelor Pad is a sick, deceptive place.” And you’re just learning that now! Didn’t you watch the first two seasons? Even David has learned how to play this game.

Donna: “I’m so shocked. I got pretty far for a fan. I would have never thought that a guy would blow me off—EVER—because I’m just so used to them throwing themselves at me, but they’re gonna regret it. Watch! When I’m not around in my bikini, they’re going to be pissed.” Yep, gonna have to find some internet porn for next week’s circle jerk, guys.

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