(Pop) Culture Shock

It comes in waves

Love potion number nein

Posted by emzkbd on July 23, 2012

That’s German for “no.” {shakes head}

Tonight was the premiere of Bachelor Pad 3, but before we get to that (tomorrow), I need to phase out Emily’s season. Since I knew who she chose and how things went down, I didn’t watch the live finale… only because I was driving back from St. Louis, but I was thisclose to convincing my boyfriend to watch it with me. I’ll get him one of these days… then maybe he can be a fan competing on Bachelor Pad 4.

Anyway, last night Emily pretended she didn’t know who she would choose, but let’s face it, Jef’s been a front runner from the start. Like Jesse Csincsak, the quirky guys who start as friends tend to stand out with the Bachelorettes.

Emily’s family, including little Ricki, arrive in Curacao. Emily isn’t sure if she wants the guys to meet her indentured servant. Her family, minus Ricki, meet Jef first, who admitted his family was skeptical about the process, mainly because Emily didn’t fit the mold of the other sister wives in their clan.

Emily’s mom says she loved Brad, but I’m sure that was because of his affluent assets.  Emily’s brother also has a few things to say, but I was distracted because he looks like “Jaws” from the Roger Moore James Bond films. He’s not very animated but he is somewhat intimidating, and he talks out the side of his mouth like the Jaws character might do.  

From one steel jaw to the next, Jef asked Emily’s father’s permission to marry her, and because Jef has a multi-million dollar company with investments hidden in his pompadour, he agreed.

Next up, Arie meets the fam but endures a lot of awkward pauses. Clearly, this family has had enough of the interview process. “Oh you’re a race car driver? Been there, done that.”

Not sure who he’s wooing, Arie gives Emily’s family the roses that she presented him. Sort of ironic that one of the final two would give BACK the roses, and I’m sure her family was like, “Uh, that’s an odd bouquet of flowers. Maybe we can sell them on eBay to fans of the show since you’re not sticking around.”

Arie confesses he misses his ex’s kids right before he asks for Emily’s hand. Dude obviously doesn’t have his priorities straight. “Sure, you can marry my daughter, and feel free to adopt your ex’s kids while you’re at it.” He feels confident that the next time he sees her family he’ll be engaged… in a hand party maybe… while watching her live televised wedding to Jef.

Afterward, Emily’s dad tells her that she can’t really be in love with two people, but I love my boyfriend AND Channing Tatum so I think he’s wrong. Emily’s mom also thinks she should wait on an engagement… wouldn’t want Kim K.’s wedding fallout.

Now’s the hard part! Emily and her mini-me have to decide what to order from room service. Then Emily has her last date with Jef, and all we hear is love, love, love, lovelovelove. Jef really wants to meet Ricki,  and he knows how to turn the tables—he asks Emily how she’d feel in his shoes, and she says it would be weird. This wears her down, and she agrees to let him meet Ricki. So they admire Ricki’s swimming skills, watch crabs, play with puppets—all natural bonding experiences.

Later, Emily tells Jef that Ricki wants to see him again. It must be weird to have a crush on your future step dad! Emily and Jef make out a little bit, and then Jef gives her a book about Curacao, in which he drew creepy little stick figures. Then he confesses what he really wants: “Emily knows I like to mess around and have fun.” With that Emily sends him and his blue balls off to bed.

An interesting part of the finale? Chris Harrison’s interruptive screen time, live in studio, pulling a Maury Povich. Let’s ask the audience what they think of Jef. Blah blah blah… we’re all experts on what’s best for Emily. I enjoyed the one viewer’s response: “I hope she picks Arie, so the rest of America can have Jef.” I hope I’m number 69!

The next morning, in Curacao time, Emily meets with Mr. Harrison because he really is the subject matter expert on getting dumped. Emily knows she wants Jef, but she feels so bad letting Arie go. She’s about to pull an Ali—she knows she can’t go any further with Arie. To make things most awkward, Arie arrives first for their doomed date and meets a local voodoo woman who will show him how to make a love potion. Too bad this is the movie version with Sandra Bullock! Arie could have pulled a Tate Donovan, sabotaged her wine glass, and kissed her until he tasted the sweat of a mule.

Well Arie did show her the love potion, and he starts to get sexy with her. That’s nice! But Emily is only stalling, trying to hold back the flood gates. After numerous sobs, she admits he’s not the one even though she thought he would be the whole time.

Of all the breakups, I’ll give ABC this—Arie’s reaction is the most raw and probably the most dramatic. The only other guy that came close was Ben with Ashley. Arie wishes her good luck, says he doesn’t know what to say, and thought he knew what she wanted but he was wrong. A gracious and honest exit overall!

After Arie’s parting words in the vehicle, the audience appears comatose, like a graveyard of viewers. Chris Harrison: “The toughest breakup I think I’ve ever seen on this show… clearly deeply affected everyone here in our studio audience.” Or did you just sedate them?

Returning from commercial, Chris speaks with Ashley and JP who empathize with Emily and Arie, Deanna who commends Emily’s actions, Mike Stag who confirms Arie could be a future contender on Bachelor Pad 4, and Ashley Spivey… well I don’t really know WHY she was there.

The next day in Curacao, Emily is getting ready and dreaming about Jef. Meanwhile, Jef is picking out Emily’s ring with Neil Lane and dreaming about Emily. These two can’t wait to get naked.

So without further ado, twenty four hours after the fact, Jef and Emily get engaged, and sure maybe that pause was “Do I really want to do this again?” but she couldn’t pull a Womack, not this late in the game. I guess only time will tell. And what happened to “My Heart Will Go On”? Instead, we get Peter Cetera’s “Glory of Love”. Why do I always feel like we’re back in the 70’s, 80’s or 90’s with these songs?

During the ATFR, Emily insults Neil Lane, saying the ring means nothing and she’d rather have a piece of tape around her finger. No, take this hideous $68,000 ring away from me. Later, Arie recounts his pain from the breakup but says watching it helped him cope. That and the thought that maybe all that grooming will earn him the coveted role of The Bachelor.

Arie also confesses he flew to North Carolina after the show wrapped, intending to see Emily, but changed his mind about seeing her when he got there. Instead, he left his journal for Emily to read. Emily has it—still in its packaging—and Arie looks pissed. After all, if she’d just read it with all its creepy sexual undertones, I’m sure she would have gone crawling back. Emily says she encouraged Arie to keep a journal but she couldn’t read it out of respect for Arie and Jef because it wouldn’t have changed anything. Again, Arie wishes she had just been direct and said don’t put your peen in my face.

Last but not least, we learn Jef and Arie are still butt buddies, but Jef prefers Emily’s butt so he’s moving to Charlotte. The End

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