(Pop) Culture Shock

It comes in waves

Just another Maynard Monday!

Posted by emzkbd on July 17, 2012

Yes, we wish it were Sunday… because that’ll be a funday. I’m not buying what the promos are selling. I do think she picks someone, and during the After the Final Rose (ATFR) I believe she’ll tell us that she’s already moved in with her man or they have set a wedding date. Originally, I thought she’d confess to being preggo, but after all she did to set a good example for her daughter, I doubt she’d have gone and got herself knocked up.

Although that would make it THE MOST DRAMATIC FINALE EVER!!! It never gets old, Chris… and neither do you! Let me have your babies? I wonder if he’ll still be hosting the Bachelor franchise when he’s 60.

During last night’s Men Tell All (MTA), Emily had a pre-taped interview with Chris to discuss her journey—obvious filler because Emily can’t carry a live conversation. The episode basically revisited the season’s memorable moments and characters. Nothing we didn’t already know: Ryan is a womanizer, Kalon is a douche, and Sean is a sweetheart.

Before they got to the bloopers, they had to show us boring never-before-seen clips, including spilling wine, singing to an egg, peeping toms and dirty doofy dancing. But the hands-down best part of the night was the preview for Bachelor Pad, which will undoubtedly be the overdose of my Bachelor addiction.

So many tears, and you know what that means? UGLY CRIES!  Look it’s Dawson. One who did it best—Hatchet Face! And to think she hooks up with Ed, although I never thought he was that cute in the first place. Then it looks like someone gets attacked WITH A BUTCHER KNIFE! Dun dun dun! Rachel is heard saying “money is ugly,” but I insist she was referring to Hatchet Face. Chris Harrison’s narration says it will be the sexiest season yet, although Jamie is looking more sleazy then sultry, diving into the pool topless.

Mike Stag is back, and I can’t wait to see who he slips the tongue to while tearfully recalling his breakup with Holly. Blakeley needs the money real bad because there has to be SOME part of her body left which needs a nip or tuck. Someone is heard saying “she’d throw her body at a dead dog if it’ll get her ahead in life.” How morbid… make it a cat instead!

Looks like there’ll be a lot of hookups, too, which means Ericka Rose will be giving away free handies again this year. And Ed, what DOES it take to be a “professional liar”? I’m thinking you’re the best guy to answer that question.

I’m not sure which I’m more excited to see—the ribbon dancing floor routine, the spelling bee, or the Reid versus Ed showdown. That and Chris trades in Blakeley and Jamie for ???? I hope the women use his line: “I TOLD YOU I LOVED YOU.”

Later when Chris introduced the dudes, the audience swoons for Sean. I bet women all over the U.S. went to get their eggs frozen for him today. A whole lot of panty-dropping goin’ on! On the other end of the spectrum, women went dry went it came to Kalon. And what was Wolf thinking with those pink pants? I guess he had to be the quirky one since Jef wasn’t around.

A montage recaps the drama, specifically Dougie Downer, Kocky Kalon, and Arrogant Ass Ryan. Coming back, Chris admits to being immature and reignites the 20 something boys versus 30 something men argument, but yes, I think Doug was generalizing younger guys. Based on Chris’s behavior though, it’s clear he wasn’t ready for a mature relationship, which I’m sure carries on to Bachelor Pad.

From a group discussion to rapid fire at Kalon, Chris calls him into the hot seat, where he takes shots from his helicopter entrance to his “baggage” claim.

Interestingly enough, Kalon says he’s good friends with Chris and Tony, who appear to be a little embarrassed to be recognized as such.

I think Kalon took a little too much heat for that “baggage” comment because honestly there are a lot of people who wouldn’t date someone with a kid because it IS baggage. Since it’s not a priority for me to have kids and I could write the book about bad parenting by walking through a department store, I think that’s a fair statement, not necessarily meant to insult. It’s just that people take it personally because they think they gave birth to an angel who is probably more like the antichrist. I would never go looking for someone with a kid, and like Kalon, I think anything can happen if it’s meant to be.

One of the best lines of the night came from Chris Harrison’s assessment of Kalon on the Shakespeare: “Hey sweetie, why don’t you go get some soup? It’s cold outside. Instead, it’s ‘piss off’!”

Kalon’s comment that “America likes things sugarcoated” was also accurate, which is why so many people call foul about this or that. Would I date a guy like Kalon? Probably not, but it would be fun to watch the monkey in its natural habitat.

To conclude the man-bashing, Sean woos the audience (and dare I say Bachelor producers) when he said “you love a woman and embrace every part of her.” I came… twice.  Come on, make THIS guy the next Bachelor so I can touch myself every Monday before bed.

Next up is Ryan, who DIDN’T want to be edited as an arrogant ass, but then there are his comments like “I’ve been blessed with so many worldly gifts!” Couldn’t really help that one! I guarantee there are women out there who would fall hook, line and sinker for guys like him. “Why, yes sir, I’d love to be your trophy wife and fake ‘n bake for life!”

When Chris questions Ryan’s behavior, the two have a confrontation in which I swear Chris was going to yell “BUT I TOLD YOU I LOVE YOU, TOO!” He was so irritating during the show because he always wanted to have the floor, but he NEVER got to the point. He also looked really scary… maybe he’s the one playing Mike Myers with the butcher knife on Bachelor Pad.

Another one of Ryan’s comments that was critiqued was his extra pushin’ for the cushion comment. If Emily said, quote, I’m going to sit on the couch and eat cheeseburgers and get fat, well then yeah, I would agree with Ryan. I wouldn’t love on her as much either. Sex is like a sport—you gotta have stamina.

While reviewing my notes, I noticed I didn’t make ANY for Chris’s hot seat time. You know, at first I cheered for this guy, probably because of his likeness to Gerard Butler, but then he got too needy and overly-emotional. I did read in an interview that the reason for his fury was because he lost a close friend to a car accident before filming started. Tragic, but I’m wondering if his anger issues run deeper. Guess we’ll find out next week!

Last in the hot seat, Sean is such a gracious man, so gracious that I would give myself to him… missionary, cowgirl, doggie style, you name it! I’m sure he’s not inadequate in any way, what with those bulging muscles and his big peen key, which he can stick in my lock and twist it and turn it until it just comes unhinged.

Before the night is over, Emily makes an appearance and admits she is an ugly crier. Who knew? The horrific sobs of a dying turkey sure didn’t give it away. She also asks the rhetorical question: “What girl (or guy) wouldn’t want Sean?” Obviously, I don’t need to answer that.

Kalon tries to apologize/wish her the best, but Emily thinks Kalon should be a politician. Why? Maybe because he likes blow j’s in his chopper, but she claims she saw a picture that said “A picture of a baggage claim… thought for sure I’d see Emily Maynard here.” Now, that shit’s funny… the bloopers? Not so much, except maybe Emily’s fascination with tatooed, homeless men. I guess if it doesn’t work out with Jef or Arie… which again I’m sure enticed viewers even more when Chris Harrison refused to ask Emily how she’s doing now. My sister said, “See? I bet she doesn’t pick either of them.” Nope, only more reason to believe she’s got a bun in the oven. Until Sunday Funday!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: