(Pop) Culture Shock

It comes in waves

Good on paper… bad in bed?

Posted by emzkbd on July 10, 2012

Yeah sure, it’s a Sex and the City quote, but I think Emily was haunted by this theory in last night’s episode. Now up until last week, I read speculation that Arie would get the boot because of all that “he-dated-a-producer” drama. Then the spoilers spilt, and I found out how the final three really shook out. Let’s take a trip down memory lane, shall we?

Emily and her final three suitors arrived in Curacao—which, by the way, I was waiting all night for someone to mispronounce it. You can tell they all take their time enunciating it properly. The episode begins with Emily reminiscing on the beach about her time with each guy. Man, we’re so close to the most dramatic conclusion where Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” serenades Emily and her fiancée. Mark my words!

Emily says there was love at first sight with Sean, which makes him sound like a contender. He also reiterates he would be a great dad. It seems like he’s more ready to be a father than a husband. Emily says Sean only wants to get married once. Uhhh… doesn’t everyone? “Yes, I can’t wait for husband number three. The first one’s a warm-up, the second one’s practice, but the third one’s the big game.”

Bachelor number two, Jef, is the one who marches to his own drum, according to Emily. He also throws skateboards, molests puppets, and plagiarizes romantic literature. Ok, maybe not that last one, but can you imagine if Ricki was around when he was angry or horny? Objects would be flying, and Barbie dolls would be humping. All this makes Emily laugh, and what’s physical and emotional abuse compared to a sense of humor, super-tight jeans, and a Bieber poof? Right, next contestant…

Arie makes Emily’s panties melt. She says their connection was immediate, but maybe because he was trained that way. Emily also thinks he’s funny, which means Sean is clearly as amusing as a dying old person hooked up to a respirator. She gets choked up talking about their future, saying he would adore her forever, or until forever makes him the next Bachelor.

Before her soul-searching ends, she writes “Emily + ?” in the beach… because etching your troubles in the sand is the way to true clarity.

Emily’s first date is with Sean, who is wearing Toms, which I’ve been advised are shoes worn by men-seeking-men. He’s also sporting some man-cleav. Sean doesn’t know how to say “I love you,” much like my boyfriend. Maybe I should pit him against two other dudes and then he’ll feel the pressure.

Emily and Sean have a snooze-fest on the beach. Sean says his exes were “buddies,” which makes me think they were dogs—literally or figuratively. Emily says Sean’s sister told her that he doesn’t want to get the girl attached, which also leads me to believe he used them as beards. All the long, awkward pauses suggest he might come out on national TV, but instead, he wanted to snorkel. They could have rolled around in the sand, sexing on the beach, but dude wanted to snorkel. Evidently he likes things in his mouth that he can suck and blow.

Sean says no one has measured up to Emily… which means everyone before her had pecs and peens. He also wants to be a soccer dad, and he wrote a dad-to-be letter to a kid he’s never met. Who’s he proposing to here? “Assuming this works out, here’s all the things I want for our daughter Ricki. If it doesn’t, then I really hope this doesn’t haunt me if I date another single mom because then I’m screwed.” Sean, you can stop fooling us. You and your gay lover can hire a surrogate, and all will be right with your world.

Emily offers Sean the fantasy suite card, and he sees this as another opportunity to reinforce his heterosexual cover—hot tub sex machine. Emily wants to stay the night with him, but then her gut is telling her to call it a night. Honey, if I were half-naked with a guy that looked like Sean, my gut would be telling me to ditch the rest of my clothes and find some contraception STAT.

Needless to say, the glass slipper did not fit. Cinderella had to give Prince Charming an early boot because his pumpkin peen did not go from six to midnight.

Next up, Jef says he’s ready to propose, but first Emily tells him they’re taking out a boat for the day. His response: “Ah-MAHZ-ing!” My friend Kait hates the way he says that (no, not in the Penny-from-Happy Endings way). Listen! It’s one of his favorite words.

Jef says his parents really want to meet Emily so they can assess her fertility. He then proceeds to ask A TON of questions about their future and profess that he’s never met two people more compatible. He also made some doofy metaphor about how their relationship was like a masterpiece being painted. Let’s hope their relationship doesn’t end like Titanic then.

Jef, like Sean, is so eager to be a dad. Come on, guys, haven’t you seen Problem Child? She could be the anti-Christ, which is why, rather than share a creepy note, Jef inquires about life with this alien child. Jef also wants to know where she wants to live, and Emily says she’s ready to move on to his family’s 500 acre ranch.

The conversation moves to her previous relationships—namely Sean. “I’ve dated guys who are good on paper, but I’m looking for things that you can’t put on paper, like a sense of humor… makes me smiles and feel confident. Well, I guess you could put those on paper, so how ‘bout he’s not in to dudes. Oh and I was picturing you with me when I was making lunch for Ricki. I already called Ashley Hebert and JP Rosenbaum for a double date, so don’t make any plans post-season.”

Emily offers Jef the fantasy suite card, and he gives it to her straight. “I want to bang you, but not if you’re thinking about your kid, your parents, my family, or anyone else for that matter. Plus, it sounds like we’re getting married, so I can keep it in my pants for awhile longer, a.k.a. ‘bridle these passions’.” Whoa, there boy! Dial it back a notch! She’s still got one more date! And like Sean, she set that horsey free to go back to his individual room and make a hand party.

Arie runs up for his date with Emily like a doofus. Arie, too, can’t wait to propose to Emily… that and kiss the be-Jesus out of her face. Before the face rape, Arie and Emily swim with a dolphin. Because of this intimate moment, Emily realizes Arie isn’t scared of anything… or maybe he’s just not scared of dolphins.

Later, Arie and Emily spend the rest of the date kissing. If their kissing were compared to sex, he would have screwed her mouth fifty shades of Sunday. At dinner, Emily wants to go beyond their chemistry and find out what Arie does on a Tuesday morning.

Arie: “I wake up at 9:00, read my manuscript How to Get the Final Rose on ‘The Bachelorette’ and maybe go to the shop.”

Arie also asks the probing questions: where should we live, what do you want in a father figure for Ricki, etc. But Emily turns the table, wanting to know how he would handle the transition.

Arie: “It’s such a slow progression. First, I want to be Ricki’s friend, earn her trust, maybe buy her some candy. Then it’ll become more. There should never be a rush. It should be easy, fun, and lighthearted, not at all like that Jaycee Dugard case. You should be their buddy.”

Afterward, Emily completely loses her panties. “Arie is so good-looking. I want to touch him.” Rather than offer the fantasy suite card, she doesn’t even mention it. In fact, she smooches him while telling us through her horny tears that she wishes she could marry all these guys because they have a special place in her heart.

Before the rose ceremony, Emily and a puffy-eyed, divorce-pending Chris Harrison have a chat, where she tells him she is falling in love with each of the guys in her own way and she doesn’t want her TV exposure to end. Emily hopes she makes the right choice, but if she doesn’t then she can always pull a Mesnick and pick her runner-up.

Chris leaves her with video messages from each of the guys, which all sound scripted. They all tell her they love her and they’re ready for the next step—blah blah blah. She knows she’s about to blindside Sean—teaching him the lesson of heartbreak—so we see her crying and sobbing like someone just died. Don’t be sad, Emily! He’ll make a young man very happy someday.

When Emily picked Arie, it looked like Sean was as red as the rose. They sat down before he drove off, and Emily couldn’t give him any closure—just tears. Poor guy says he felt stupid and she should know it’s going to hurt him. He also tells her that he’ll miss her more than she’ll know. Anyone else felt like they were watching the end of Practical Magic or The Notebook? I wanted him to drive off, comeback, and live happily ever after, despite his sexual confusion. (He was my pick from the get-go.) Then, all I wanted was one tear, but he barely got misty. This guy is the male version of Emily Maynard during Brad’s season, which is why I think he’d be an excellent Bachelor. He is the “perfect” guy on paper, albeit a little boring, but give him the lead, and I bet we’d see him open up! I promise then I wouldn’t make any more gay jabs, unless he came on to the newly single Chris Harrison.

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