(Pop) Culture Shock

It comes in waves

Hammerhead peen… it just seemed like a good title

Posted by emzkbd on July 3, 2012

With only three episodes to go, it is finally upon us. The day Reality Steve unveiled who receives Emily’s final rose. No worries! I won’t spoil the ending. In fact, I removed a paragraph I wrote last night before I found out the news, in which I suggested who she’d pick and why. Looks like I was right, but I’ll save that for the final blog.

As for last night, Emily made her rounds to the remaining four guys’ hometowns, but before she hit the road, she got to spend some quality time with her “sweet girl,” although I’m willing to bet Ricki is a devil child… the kind they make horrow movies about. To make their time extra special, Emily told Ricki she could sleep in her bed. Now I’m not a parent, but something tells me that encouraging that kind of behavior is what leads to sexless marriages.

Emily then gives her generic summations of all the guys, and one thing I noticed right away is that Emily lets us know that Chris doesn’t hold a candle (or a rose) next to Jef. “Chris is great blah blah blah, but then there’s Jef.” She also does the same transition from Arie to Sean.

She goes on to say nice things about her four suitors, making it near impossible to determine who could be Emily’s Mister Right. I know how we can settle this! Boys, drop your pants and plop your peens out for perusing.

Side note: The most interesting part of having a blog is observing the search words people input to reach my site. One day last week, someone searched “hammerhead peen” and came upon my page. Now, I assume that would be my post Bachelor Ben hosts Shark Week; however, I don’t recall using those two words in the same sentence until now, and I must say it does sound intriguing. What would that even look like? So I googled it, but all I got were a bunch of hammers and a few hammerhead sharks… no peens.

Moving on… Emily locks her door before climbing into bed with her daughter. Gotta keep the rapists and perverts out! At least that’s what my sister tells me.

First stop on the cross country tour, Emily met Chris in Chicago. Now, Chris is actually from the ‘burbs, like me, but when we travel, we just say Chicago. It’s easier that way. So to look cool, he acted like Vince Vaughn and escorted her around to all the hotspots in Chi-town. Unfortunately, I think Emily enjoyed the city more than Chris’s company. She must have also been on her period because those were some RED pants.

During their alone time, Chris apologized for being such a dick on the two-on-one, and Emily fake apologizes for not abolishing the rose on that date. Emily also shook her fist at Chris… suggesting the monster cockslap Sean would give him if he acted like a douche again.

Then it’s my favorite part, where parents turn into salesmen, convincing the bachelor or bachelorette that their daughter or son is the best thing since a pair of pruning shears. Gotta single out one rose in that bush, Miss Emily!

I also noticed Chris’s blonde sister looks like she was adopted. Maybe wanted to make Emily feel more comfortable in a house full of crazy costumed dancers.  His sister pretty much threatens Emily: “You dump my brother, or I’ll impersonate you FOR LIFE!” Guess Emily took that conversation to heart!

Meanwhile, Chris has no idea his sister confessed her undying love for him threw him under the bus, so he drops the “L” word in a last ditch effort to secure third place. He tells Emily he has never told another person that’s he in love with them, thereby setting him up for countless amounts of ass on Bachelor Pad.

Next stop, Emily heads to Utah to see Jef at what appears to be a multi-million dollar estate. Cha-ching! Sold to the sweetest golddigger you ever did see! Jef wants to show Emily his pride lands so he straps her into his buggy like Christian strapped Ana into his helicopter. I’m sure Jef told her how he likes her in a harness, too, you dirty boy!

When I’m done fantasizing, I come to and realize Jef is wearing his trademark super skinny jeans—definitely no Christian Grey! Emily thinks he’s a little more country than he wants people to know, and she’s a little more of a crackshot than she wants Jef to know. He tried to act all macho by hitting every clay pigeon, but Emily out-gunned him… in a dress.

During this interlude, Jef shploogs in his pants every time Emily cocks it… the gun, I mean. Emily confessed to taking shooting lessons back home, so if Jef’s family doesn’t like her, she’ll be lining ‘em up for a firing squad. Isn’t that what they do in the wild West?

After Jef changes into another pair of his kid sister’s jeans, he introduces Emily to his family, minus mom and pop. All I got is HOLY MORMON FAMILY! There were toddlers running around like chickens in a henhouse. Jef’s brother Steve to Emily: “Cheers to having you here, and sharing our need to procreate eternally!”

Prophet Steve wants to first ensure Emily is good breeding stock, and then Emily drinks kool-aid with the sisterwives. She asks if Jef is ready for marriage and a six-year-old. There’s a long pause and a kid starts crying. Clearly, the sisterwives are already planning the births of Emily’s nine other children.

Jef tells his brother that Emily is the “coolest girl in the world,” but Prophet Steve doubts his brother’s intentions. He doesn’t think Jef is ready to take on a multitude of wives and father a brood of children to rival the Duggars.

As I was taking notes, I realized I had flipped over to The Notebook. Oh no, that was just Jef reciting his love letter. Take that Ryan, and your stupid list of qualities you look for in a trophy wife!

And we’re racing on to the next hometown in Arizona. Get it? Because Arie looks “stupid hot” in that Indy car! Emily’s words, not mine. He takes her for a spin, and I’m sure a lot people were concerned that this would break Emily’s spirit because she was engaged to a race car driver. Come on, it’s not like he died that way. Hell, it probably brought back memories when Ricky Bobby waxed his hood with her ass… if you know what I mean. She’ll be cumming around the racetrack when she comes, YEE HAW, she’ll be cumming around the racetrack when she comes!

Emily says racing could become one of her passions; although I’m starting to think she has multiple personality disorder. I thought it was one of her passions… maybe she has early-onset Alzheimer’s, which would fall in line with Jef’s Notebook storyline.

Anyway, Arie starts intimidating Emily by saying his parents are “very European.” Then what may I ask were Chris’s parents? Cultural enthusiasts?

Midway through their picnic, the lake started to ejaculate which captivated this twosome. Arie tells Emily that anything his parent’s say negatively, he’ll put a positive spin on the translation. So how do you say “bitch” in Dutch? By the way, anyone else think Arie’s parents look like Arie and Emily in 20 years?

First off, Arie’s mom—what a bitch—interjects the conversation with her own private Dutch dialogue. No way would I want to put up with a conniving woman like that who undoubtedly sees no need to whisper behind your back when she can do it in her own language right in front of you.

Later, Arie and his dad have a conversation, and the pervy old man likes Emily’s sweet southern accent, amongst other things {titties}. You can also tell this family oozes cockiness and wants to win!

Arie’s mom: “I can’t wait ‘til she picks him.”

Arie’s dad: “I hope you make it to the end.”

Arie: “I’m definitely going to marry Emily.”

Last but not least, Sean introduces Emily to his simple life, not to be confused with simple-minded… because he’s from Texas.

Sean says he will never allow a girl to give herself to him unless he can reciprocate. Well, he can reciprocate on me all night long…

Emily describes Sean as a wholesome, well-rounded guy. With that description, dude could be the effin’ Pillsbury Doughboy! Woo Hoo!

And what’s with Kensington Cottage? I’m sure little Ricki would think the Queen and some dragons live there. Hell, I’d trade my mortgage for that sweet lil’ lodge in Sean’s parents’ backyard. Make it that much easier to catch him in his skivvies!

Sean tries to convince Emily he still lives at home, and I think Emily, like the viewers, might have started to re-think Sean’s sexuality. His room looks like a gay frat house with all those stuffed animals, milk & cookies and butt plugs lying around. Oh, that was a football? I just thought Sean was a big guy. Hut, hut, HIKE!

Later, Sean and his dad catch up, and his dad wants to know what Sean REALLY likes about Emily. Sean does not hesitate: “Her sweet, sweet ass!” Okay, so maybe he’s a straight shooter.

Then again, he makes another comment like this: “I don’t normally give myself to girls… after all those college days I spent in the locker room with those tight ends.” Not sure which team he’s playing for anymore!

After Sean’s family is done trying to make us laugh, Emily gives Sean a PG kiss and sends him off with a “Bye, honey!” But Sean hasn’t ejaculated in months, so all that testosterone sends him tearing after her car like a mad man. I bet if Emily marries another guy on national TV, we’ll see Sean running down the aisle after her.

Before the rose ceremony, Emily sits down with her BFF Chris to girl-talk about the hometown visits. She says up until that night, there’d always been an obvious choice to send home. Yeah, Dougie Downer, Wolf Man, Egg Man, EgoMANiac, the list goes on.

I also think Emily wanted to see Sean sweat since he was the only guy NOT to tell her he loves her. And with that, Emily took the advice from her bottle blonde sista and sent Chris home sooner rather than later.

Well, Chris was pissed, and you could tell he wanted to unleash another f-bomb tirade. Unfortunately, he won’t understand until he watches the episodes airing Arie’s, Jef’s and Sean’s tongues in her mouth. “I TOLD YOU I LOVED YOU!” Once in the limo, there it is “$#(*&$!” I think Chris and Kacie B. would make a cute unrequited couple, who might actually requite their breakups by getting together—take that Emily and Ben!

During his exit, Chris declared he was ten times the man than the other three, but I think that Scottish tournament a few weeks back proved he clearly wasn’t. Looks like next week we’ll find out which two will duke it out for Emily’s vagina and the chance to reciprocate happily ever after.

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