(Pop) Culture Shock

It comes in waves

Threesome starring Arie’s rubdown, Sean’s man key, and Jef’s wooden puppet

Posted by emzkbd on June 26, 2012

First off, I apologize for my absence last week. I realized I missed a captivating re-cap about a dude whose emotions shattered more than his egg named Shelly, an egomaniac who was none other than SHOCKED by Emily’s decision to send him off without any trophy, and buff men in skirts seeing how far they can pitch their wood. Oh yeah, and that surprise rose ceremony where she chose to save both Wolf and Doug from the shitter, only to flush ‘em out this week. Sorry, but this bachelorette had her own one-on-one date to attend! I don’t see nothing wrong… with a little bump and grind.

Anyway, Emily can’t seem to get enough of the “olden” European cities, so she continues to bore us with a jaunt to Prague. Anyone else think Emily, walking around the city contemplating her future make-outs, looked like a confused American tourist? “Excuse me, has anyone seen an insanely large production crew?” Oh no, you wouldn’t have because they’re got this season on lockdown right to the final three. This has actually been the first time in the last handful of season’s where I, too, am guessing who it could be, and probably like you, I change my mind on a daily basis.

Back on track, Chris holds another orientation in some random town square where no one could find them. Why does he stand so far away? Does he have a cold? I feel like I’m watching the The Amazing Race, and every dude is about to bolt in search of a rose. Instead, Phil sends them in search of their hotel.

Like always, we have the obligatory “Here we are in such-and-such,” “Man, I can’t take this anymore,” “That dude is totally not right for her,” and/or “I’m totally getting a one-on-one ‘cause of my boyish good looks.” That one would be Jef, who sounds like he’s waiting for Emily to sign the adoption papers.

And in comes the first date card, and naturally these grown men starting cooing like a bunch of six-year-old girls. Time for Arie to have another run at Emily’s vagina!

On their one-on-one, like most of her dates, Emily has come prepared with her guide book. I feel like she also has one of those passport holders strapped under her shirt like Jamie had in Eurotrip. “Frommer’s says…”

More from Tour Guide Emily later; right now, Arie is clearly too optimistic to find some who speaks English. He also thinks he and Emily could get married in a giant cathedral—yeah, sure, not unless you’re the prince of England, bub!

Moving on, Emily wants to see how Arie rubs his statue. Lots of chafing ensues…

When the show first came back from commercial, I thought Chris was going to tell us that Arie jerked it so much, he succumbed to a tragic, unexpected demise. Instead, he wanted to tell us about Arie and his secret sexual relationship with that really unattractive girl who shouldn’t be on camera. Ever. Again. I thought a troll was attacking Emily. Eeek!

During this interlude, Chris isn’t wearing his ring so he can bang lots of bitches while filming the Bach Pad, but later at the rose ceremony, it’s back on. This was before the news broke, and he was trying to convince America that he wasn’t a playa. Don’t hate his game! Sloppy seconds are better than contaminated quatros.

The rest of Emily and Arie’s date consists of Emily trying to manipulate Arie into divulging the details of incestuous affair, but he’s more interested in revisiting that rubdown on the bridge. However, he does confess to being a moron, at least in so many words. Tattooing someone’s name on your body can never be justified, even if it’s in memoriam. What happens if you die in some freak accident that burns your face off beyond recognition and all that’s left is that name. Then you’re labeled as an already dead person. No way am I going down in history as “Grandma.”

Apparently, there was an off-camera discussion where Arie didn’t feel it was a big deal. Well that doesn’t make for good TV. Cut to the post-fake conversation where Emily is fine and dandy believes everything Arie says.

Arie tells us he thinks about Emily all the time while rubbing his weiner. Emily is flattered and practically hands him her plane ticket to meet his family. To seal the deal, Arie breaks out the big guns—I love you. This guy is fast like the cars he drives. No, Emily, this guy doesn’t “throw around the ‘L’ word.” He just tattoos girlfriends’ names on his body.

Arie: “After that firework display, I totally wanna marry Emily… and rub one out.”

Next one-on-one is doomed from the get-go. When you’re in the final six, and your relationship’s described as a slow start, you might as well load your own suitcase in the limo.

During their date, Emily plays it cool and sits as far away from John as she can. Don’t want to give him the wrong idea when you send him packing. She also looked like she wanted to shake free of his hand.

Making another appearance, Tour Guide Emily reappears to explain the Lennon wall and the lock fence, where John can’t close the lock. Clearly, an obvious metaphor for where these two are headed—the dungeon. Although, I think Emily hinted it was like their relationship. No, really? Didn’t see that one coming!

Meanwhile, in the hotel, Chris develops a drinking problem while obsessing about his dwindling relationship with Emily.

Down in the dungeon, Emily needs John to go deeper; he’s only given her the tip, and clearly she wants the whole package. So, to win over any girl, John starts talking about his exes, and how he once freaked out when one didn’t return his calls. He contacted hospitals and prisons… because in the three days his ex turned her phone off, she was convicted of a felony and PUT AWAY. I think you meant a jail buddy!

John: “I think if you met my parents you’d turn your phone off, too.”

Emily: “Aww, that’s so sweet.”

John returns to the guys, and first thing, all the men want to know about how it was making out with their girlfriend. “Oohs” and “Aahs” ensue. John also mentions that Emily just dropped him off at the hotel, and before Arie can convince his ex-girlfriend producer for more alone time with Emily, Sean races out the building on a desperate mission to find her. It’s almost like the end of a romantic movie except Sean looks sorta crazy and pathetic. And Emily’s walking the streets like a two-bit hooker. Quite the setup! Emily is so glad she did what the producers told her to so that she could make-out with Sean… in the bar… and then the alley… and next thing you know they’re drying humping against a building and the producers are telling them that they can’t air that on ABC—owned by Disney.

I wonder what the other guys thought of Sean’s random exit. He had to give them some sort of excuse: “Pardon me, fellas, I need to clean my pipes. It’ll probably take a couple hours, ‘cause the steroids keep me real horny.”

The next day, or so it seems, Doug wishes he were on the group date with his kid because what could be more romantic?! I’m sure Kalon could give you a few examples that don’t include kids, skirts, or hide-and-seek.

Doug claims he’s old fashioned, but his actions suggest he’s into dudes. How did he ever impregnate a chick?! He is misreading everything, including the words coming out of Emily’s mouth. She’s trying to tell him goodbye, and he thinks she’s panting for his peen. When she finally spells it out for him, all he’s got is: “Have a good one! Toodles!” Once in the limo, dude had more tears than the rain in the sky.

From group date to two-on-one, Emily gives the guys keys for their alone.

Sean: “That’s a big key… that’s a man key!” See, I knew he had a big peen, and it can unlock my box any day.

Meanwhile, Chris should be contemplating therapy for his anxiety. At least he told Emily he was crazy… errrr, going crazy with the lust in his pants! Chris: “Can we make out now? MMM, tastes like Sean.”

Then, Emily has to decide who gets the group date rose but why even bother? She was preaching to Arie about rudeness, but then she makes it super-awkward for Chris. At that point, Chris should have left because he’s clearly not going to top Sean unless he’s got a ten pound cock that emits supersonic orgasms.

Rounding out the dates, Bieber gets the final one-on-one. He tells Emily he once had an Afro, but I can’t imagine it being any bigger than his blowout. And forget CEO of a bottled water company! Jef could puppeteer a string Michael Jackson show.

Emily’s doll: “Omigod, I wanted to ride it… your skateboard, tee hee! Oh no, he’s about to kiss me. Let’s go inside… my VAGINA!”

I can tell you one thing: Jef sure knows how to handle his wooden puppet. In all honesty though, his puppet show was cuter than a puppy in a Pixar film.

Later, Jef tells Emily he broke up with a girl because his parents didn’t like her. Emily panics, realizing she has something in common with his exes—guys have broken up with her because she had a kid. Isn’t that right, Womack?

Awww, Beauty and the Bouffant in the library! And just like the fairytale, kids run screaming from his beastly hair.

Before the date ends, Jef confesses he wanted kids, like, yesterday, but the truth is he might have been telling the truth, since he comes to us with Mormon affiliations.

During the rose ceremony, Chris is stressing because he thinks he didn’t “bring it” on the group date, but I thought he brought a whole lot of f-bombs to the party. So we couldn’t see Chris’s full-on rant, but we could watch as Sean cleaned Emily’s mouth with his tongue??

At this point, Emily doesn’t have any reservations about her decision to eliminate one guy. Newly single Chris Harrison tells the guys of this, and thinks-he’s-soon-to-be-single Chris shits his pants. In the other corner, John gloats like he just sniffed the stripper’s Emily’s panties; that’s because she arrived in her white trash evening wear seen here.

Before she can hand out the last rose, Chris interrupts Emily to lay it on the line: “I’m not really Gerard Butler. I’m just his look-alike.”

Emily appreciates his honesty: “Well, I was gonna give Chris the rose anyway, but after our little chat, I just had to come back so I could watch John wipe that shit-eating grin off his face. I just can’t be with a guy who doesn’t know the difference between a prison and a jail. Every tour guide knows that!”

And with that, Chris practically high-fives the other guys: “Final Four, baby!”

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