(Pop) Culture Shock

It comes in waves

Hey Romeo, get the eff out!

Posted by emzkbd on June 12, 2012

We arrive in London, where Emily shows off her brand new American Girl Doll… oh wait, that’s Ricki!

Chris greets the remaining bachelors: “One of you guys could be Emily’s husband, but when she dumps your ass, you could be the next Bachelor because that’s how we pick ‘em now—used and abused.” More on that later!

Ryan thinks London is one of the most romantic cities. Yeah, screw the Eiffel Tower! I’ll take a make-out sesh under Big Ben any day. What can I say? I like ‘em thick with the ability to go from six to midnight.

With ten dudes left, it means more cock fights. Finally, this week a dude can count! Arie points out that five guys haven’t had one-on-one dates yet, but Alejandro still believes he’s the ONLY one who hasn’t. No dude, you’re the only man of a different ethnicity left. That might have worked for you on your college application, but I’m guessing not on the reality dating scene. Too bad that lawsuit didn’t work out for those black guys who wanted to be bachelors or you could have been part of a class action.

Sean gets the first one-on-one date of the night, and he’s basically oozes schmooze. Needless to say the guys are intimidated. Jef is worried about their chemistry, but Christian “Greasy” Grey over there is worried about not having “the Kalon control” over the situation.

Emily meets Sean in the park in Trench Coat #1—a tan color with dark trim accompanied by leather gloves. She has an exciting adventure plan—a jolly ol’ ride on a double decker bus. Little does Sean know that Emily has already enjoyed this excursion with her mini-me, although she does applaud his doofy “King of the World” attempt during which he almost tumbles over the side. Wouldn’t that have been a shocking end to the Jack and Rose’s love story?!

The two continue their London sight-seeing, and Emily is clearly destined to be a tour guide. I wonder if a producer is holding up queue cards with those fun facts of the city. I felt like I was watching The History Channel. That and didn’t her momma ever tell her to wear comfortable shoes in situations like that? Oh well, I guess she has “Big Muscles” to carry her around and flash her undercarriage to real tourists.

Back at the hotel, the men are whining about group dates, and Kalon makes a realistic point—any date with Emily is a group date because of Ricki. Valid point, good sir! I don’t know why Not Another Teen Movie and Indy 500 are so shocked. I can only imagine that Kalon was the third wheel and witnessed a lot his mother’s sexing.

Parkside, Sean wants Emily to know that he is naturally selective… and I would naturally select to mate with him. The two stumble across speaker’s circle, and the first thing that comes across Sean’s mind is to embarrass the fooze-nooze out of Emily by preaching about love. He admits he hasn’t found it yet, and the passersby begin disperse out of boredom. Sean says he’s with a beautiful woman, but nobody knows who she is. Sean also says he’s hopeful to find love, which makes Emily soak her undies. I can one-up you honey—every time I LOOK at Sean I cream my panties.

Later, Emily can’t take the sexual tension, so she abducts Sean to be her sex slave… err, prisoner of love, whatever. Some British jibber-jabberer escorts them to their feast in the Tower of London. While it looks romantic, it’s not-so-much-so when Sean finds out Emily plans to chop his head off. Oh no, just another history lesson!

Emily is expecting a whopper, but I think they have some sort of chicken. But honestly, she thinks Sean has some skeletons, but he doesn’t have any bombs to drop on Emily, although I wish he’d drop some bombs in my vagina… the orgasmic kind!

“A rose by any other name would smell as sweet”… and so do my panties, Sean! WINK! Unfortunately for our macho dumbasses, it takes them awhile to figure out what the phrase on the date card means. It’s Shakespeare, and Kalon thinks it smells like shit.

The next conversation with Emily and Sean starts “As you now, I have a six year old daughter” followed by “I do know.” Really, I could have sworn it was an American Doll that she just liked to tote around. Maybe thought she could find some sweet little doll clothes in London!

Emily tells Sean she wants more kids ASAP, and she practically rubs out a sperm sample to be frozen with her last dozen eggs. Sean confesses that being around Emily fills him with a penis… or happiness. But I’d rather be filled with his penis. On the roof, Sean gets points for not asking for permission to kiss her again. I mean, he’s only asked like every previous time.

On the group date, Emily greets the men at Stratford Upon Avon in Trench Coat #2—a thick, light gray number. The men have no idea that they’re about to perform Shakespeare in the park. Emily has been gradually losing her voice throughout the episode, probably from all those blow jays she gave Sean in the Tower of London.

Emily has brought three Shakespearean experts to prep the men for their performance. At this point, I’m hoping to see Leo, Claire and Gwynnie bust out in costume and character, but instead we have three less appealing coaches.

Arie shits his pants, while Kalon can’t be more constipated. All of the other guys have fun with it… clearly having experience with role-play. Kalon recognizes Ryan as stiff competition; of course, it was because he was sporting some rock-hard wood for his make-out scene with Emily.

Obviously, Kalon is digging his own grave, telling Emily to “run along.” If someone talked to my child like that, I’d pull off my earrings, and then I’d rip off his limbs and beat him with them. Oh wait, that comes later! I think Emily got it wrong when she pigeonholed Kalon as a Broadway star… I mean, I don’t think he’s gay, just mean.

The men get suited up, and Nurse Arie and Dame Doug show off their feminine side. John says Emily is the most beautiful Juliet he’s even seen, except that she’s wearing a milkmaid costume.

Kalon looked like he’s about to have a hernia, Doug turned on John with his soft, wet smooch, and Travis stole the show with his sword-fighting. No joke. Just real men. Fighting with their swords. Stabbin’ away. Penetrating with their sharp points. Plunging their blades deep into their enemy.

Now let’s talk about that audience. At first I thought they were poor people, but then I realized they were actual townspeople that must have received payment for their presence. What is it with British people? Middle America gets a bad rep for inbreeding, but it shows on the Brits’ faces—billboard foreheads, caveman teeth, and that doofy look in their eyes like they just shtuped their cousin.

Intermission: Have you heard? Roberto is slated to be the next Bachelor. Discuss.

Next up, Ryan plants one on Emily and then comically steals another. It goes without saying that all the guys were totes jealous. Hey, it’s not like he slipped her his peen, but that could have been later in Cox’s Yard. Kinda surprised that ABC let Emily take her all-male posse to a cock yard.

Here, Emily lets Arie play dentist and check her molars. Then Ryan presents her with a turquoise necklace, to which Emily loses her shit and swoons with delight. Guess some girls really are suckers for jewelry! What she doesn’t know is that Ryan is an avid supporter of the “Every Kiss Begins with Kay” campaign. Definitely not the first time he’s had a little something in his pocket for her.

Now’s where it gets good! Kalon is whimpering about how he has to spend time with a sick, nursing mother when he would rather be the one sucking on that teet. Well dem guys think dem’s fightin’ words! They rally, and Deputy Doug hits the roof and confronts Kalon, who stands by his assessment. No language barrier here! Just a straight up douche-nozzle!

And because he craves more applause for his heroism, Deputy Doug rides up to Miss Emily and divulges the whole nasty tale, to which Emily has a heart attack followed by a Tourette’s outburst—West Virginia hood-rat backwoods style. Deputy Doug and Miss Emily put Outlaw Kalon on the spot in front of the rest of the gunslingers.

Miss Emily gives it to him good: “Let me talk! I love to hear you talk, but not until I’m done. I got that line from you… Now get the fuck out!” I think Kalon peed a little out of fear. Hell, even I shit my pants after watching this, as my friends can attest.

When it comes to a reality TV bitch slap, she really let him have it, but it’s the fallout that was a cheap shot. Emily took the pouting and witchhunt a little over-the-top. Sorry Deputy Doug, no reward handy for your standup heroics. In fact, Emily completely forgets that you had her back when you brought this nonsense to her attention. And Emily, come on, if you didn’t have baggage, you’d be flying with a carry-on and co-chairing the mile-high club with Britney Spears, but no, you both have baggage. Fortunately, there are guys like Sean who will willingly push your luggage cart through the airport.

After that fiasco, Emily wanders the streets like a two-bit hooker, only to return to tell the guys she can’t hand out the rose because they were secretly conspiring to bring Kalon to the final two. Like in Survivor, everyone knows you bring the most hated player to the end because he won’t get any votes… or roses. I guess Bachelor Ben doesn’t take tips from other reality shows.

The next day Emily lets Ricki latch on to the teet that Kalon wanted. Sometimes it seems like Ricki has special needs.

Emily: What is your favorite thing that you’ve seen so far?

Ricki: The Brickingham Palace.

Emily: The Buckingham Palace?

Ricki: The Brickingham Palace.

Emily: Well, aren’t you a smart one. Who lives there?

Ricki: The king and the dragon.

Emily: No, the Queen lives there, goose.

Ricki: And the dragon.

Emily: I think it’s time to take your meds, platypus.

The final date of the evening belongs to Jef. Emily arrives in Trench Coat #3—a stark white ensemble with a pink scarf belt. The two delight in an afternoon of tea with Jean, the English crumpet Nazi… err teacher. Jef is boss of the tea, and Jean is boss of his peen: “Just lift it up a little bit in case it pops over the top… and the spout should go toward the person that’s the host. Clearly Jef has a raging boner for you Miss Emily, although with my presence I’m sure it’s more like a floner, a.k.a. floppy boner… so Emily, turn it round, back that ass up for Jeffy boy.”

Jef is pleased with how “thorough” Jean is but would prefer a little space, especially after her next comment. “You put the jam on… really give it to her in the ass. I call this move ‘The Strawberry Jam’.”

Jean: “If I decide to go to the loo, please don’t give her a slap and tickle without me standing by to watch.”

Jef: “Well, I’d like to set her on the corner of the table.”
Jean: “No… on the seat. Right, I’ll leave you two to practice the British version of reverse cowgirl—‘the milkmaid cometh’. Carry on, you two.” (Jean exits.)

Emily: “I want to try a move called ‘Peanut Butter & Jelly with the Crust,’ and then I wanna stick your cake in my pocketbook. Peace, Jean.”

They proceed, sans Jean, to a pub without cocks in the yard, where Jef confesses he, too, didn’t have her back. This time, Emily takes it easy on him. Maybe it was the suave comment about the Chloe handbag, which I didn’t know is actually a designer handbag. Jef, are you sure you’re not a closet flamer? You’re straight friends clearly haven’t been able to talk you outta that hairstyle, but evidently it’s a turn-on for Emily.

Their next stop is the London Eye for dessert, which seemingly goes uneaten. I was ready to lunge through the television and dig in. Jef asks Emily where she sees herself in a year, and she does not hesitate to say “HOOKED UP.” Jef proceeds to take a page from Sean and lays it on thick, kissing her ass… and Jean wasn’t even there to critique him.

Emily asks Jef if he’s prepared to have Emily and Ricki move cross-country to Salt Lake City, to which I scoff. No way, she’s moving her ass anywhere. She didn’t do it for Brad, and she’s not gonna do it for one of these schmo’s. Mark my words. Of course, Jef gives the most homosexual response: “Dance parties every night!” Riiiiiight. If he’s not gay, he should definitely be a suspect on To Catch a Predator. Just sayin’…

Somehow, Jef’s honesty earns him a rose, and he nearly blows his chance at a first kiss. Rather than ask for it, he takes it, like a man, and gives Arie a run for his dental services.

During the cocktail party, the guys are reeling from Kalon’s departure and John’s decision to wear red pants. Emily grills the guys, and they squirm like babies with dirty diapers. Ryan, though, tries to woo her one last time with another Romeo rendition, and Emily falls hook, line and sinker.

At the rose ceremony, Emily only has to send one guy home, and Lady Gaga would be disappointed. Poor Ale, Alejandro, the psychedelic mushroom farmer is sent packin’. He had about two minutes of airtime in the whole episode, so again, not a big surprise. I’m sure he’ll find his Princess Peach under a toadstool.

Next week is basically every girl’s wet dream come true. I mean, every time I hear that phrase, I think, it would be perfect if we were dry-humping in Croatia. And to make it even more marvelous, Emily has another meltdown and runs into the arms of Chris Harrison… naturally. He’s just so big and strong, and he poops rainbows. What more could a girl want? Stay tuned for more re-caps. And if you really want to laugh your bum off, check out the parody of The BachelorBurning Love.

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