(Pop) Culture Shock

It comes in waves

If Superheroes Got Roses…

Posted by emzkbd on June 5, 2012

Let’s face it! Last night’s show wasn’t that riveting. Maybe because we really want to see who Emily tells to eff off next week, which I already know (yes, I couldn’t resist the week-by-week spoilers). But one thing episode4 did showcase was the bachelor’s likenesses to some superheroes. Let’s take a journey back to who saved the day and who fell to their evil nemesis—man tears.

Now the bachelors weren’t the only ones suiting up. Even our host The Phantom Chris Harrison, in his purple shirt (damn, wish I had a pic of this), creeps around the mansion until his it’s his moment to come out of the shadows. You know, a nickname for the Phantom is “The Man Who Cannot Die,” and it sure seems like Chris will host this show until he’s in the grave, still pooping rainbows of delight for young 20- and 30-something women looking for love.

Anyway, Chris lures the guys out from their man cave to announce the destination for the upcoming week of dates—Bermuda. Now I think it’s obvious that poor Michael hasn’t had much screen time, so perhaps that’s the reason he chose to emulate Wonder Woman  and stand out with that doofy yellow headband . Cut your hair man! Emily clearly doesn’t like chicks with dicks.

Cut to the beach—where the cameraman appears to have captured a close-up of Ricki’s name in the sand, which looks like “ick” on the beach. Reminds me of Ben and Courtney skinny dipping in Puerto Rico.

Emily says “I’m looking for a husband for my daughter”… wait that came out wrong. Emily, are you sure want a husband for Ricki? “Of course, ya’ll. She was the same age as me when I got engaged and my fiancée tragically perished in a flying race car. It’s time she learned how to push a baby stroller.”

Meanwhile, the dudes roll up the only way a super hero should… on scooters. Alejandro recognizes he needs to step it up this week. Unfortunately, I googled Hispanic superheroes, and nothing came up. Your time will come my friend. Maybe Lady Gaga could use you as a cameo in her remix of that song. Although I’m sure you wouldn’t stand out there either. I mean, come on! The guy clearly doesn’t do basic math: I’m one of the only guys who hasn’t had a one-on-one. Uh, I think only 3 or 4 guys have gotten those dates, leaving another 10 without ‘em.

In the hotel, the guys are taunting Doug about his first one-on-one. Dude drops enough f-bombs to alert child services. He warns the other guys not to make him because they wouldn’t want to see him when he’s angry. Before he has the chance to transform into his alter ego, Emily arrives and has Dougie acting like a 10 year old boy. “You look very purdy!” Durt durt durt. Looks like we have one other who knows his comic, as Arie’s impression is spot on: “Doug angry! Doug smash! Doug sad!” Sorry Doug, charity work does not mean you’ll be cast as Superman in this series. Just smile!

On their date, Emily and Bruce Banner write his son a letter. “Oh-ma-god, let’s do it, then we’ll give each other facials and manicures.” Then ABC makes up some Bermudian tradition like they did with that love clock in West Virginia two weeks ago. Blah blah blah! Later Emily inquires “What happens on your bad days?” and Bruce starts to turn a shade of green because his perfect answers aren’t fooling her anymore.

Emily: “You’re too great of a dad—why don’t you beat your kid? You don’t clean my car enough? Wax my hood… and by hood I mean labia.”

Doug: “Hey, I’m just a guy standing in front of a girl asking her to be the mother of his child! I’m not a genius but I’m not a dummy! I’m not rich, but I’m not poor! I’m not a porn star in bed, but I’m not poppin’ Viagra either! What are your faults?”

Emily: “I don’t work out, so in Ryan’s world I’m bound to be a fat-ass.”

Doug: “Ok, yea, so? More to love! Bring on the rhino!”

Emily: “There are some days I don’t get outta my pajamas, and I need to pop a Prozac.”

Doug: “Sign me up, Debbie Downer.”

Emily swoons. The Hulk may be the perfect guy… if he doesn’t smash her face when he gets angry. After she gives him the rose, they have a staring contest. Doug is suppressing his wet dream in which he kisses her, and Emily is biting her lip like Ana Steele waiting for Christian Grey to plant one on her. Probably would have had more luck if he had asked to kiss her. (More Fifty Shades to come!)

For the group date, the Avengers take on the Justice League set sail on the sea of love.  Leading the Avengers (red), Captain America Sean  with his classic good looks and chiseled physique, and on the opposing side (yellow) Two-Face(d)  Arie. Well, he was one of Batman’s villains, so it seems fitting.

Joining the Justice League is newcomer Justin Bieber, whose hair  has definitely set a precedent as more uncontrollable than Donald Trump’s toupee!

From her dinghy, Emily cringes as she watches her superheroes compete. Doncha know, more people die in boating accidents than race car crashes every year. Wonder if that’s a fact? Anyway, the red team is ahead most of the way, but then Bieber’s bouffant catches the wind and whisks the yellow team into first place. They take it by just a few hairs!

Ryan does his best Jim Carrey impersonation, chanting la-hoo-suh-hers, which is clearly the cause of Charlie’s waterworks. Guess that makes him… Red Tornado? I have no idea either.

At the after party, Ryan cheers to Emily (aww), his future trophy wife (eww), but Two-Face steps in and says all the right things, while brushing hair from her face and locating her tonsils. “When I kiss Emily, everything disappears… I want it to mean something… I’m not threatened by any of the other guys.” Why haven’t Arie and Courtney Robertson crossed paths? Power couple alert… assuming neither succeeds at a current Bachelor relationship.

Bieber’s back! He whisks Emily to the beach.. Somehow this union reminds me of a sk8tr boi and teen mom. “Kiss my bloody finger!” And then there’s that.

While they’re on the beach, the two seem to be having a moment while the breeze blows their blonde locks awry. Emily is anticipating her first kiss with Jef, but unfortunately she’s striking out. Looks like these guys could have taken a page from Chris and asked her for a kiss. The clock’s not going to strike midnight, although Jef sure hurried his ass off that beach. Maybe he was afraid of catching crabs. Brad Womack knows; he dodged that bullet.

Other superheroes dodge bullets too, but our next one seems to have created a web of bullshit. Douchebag Ryan is ready to get his flirt on with Emily, build up that excitement. “As the bachelorette she’s been given a great responsibility, and I want to see her do a lot with it.” Apparently someone thinks he’s the Amazing Spider Man . Did you get that piece of advice from Ben Parker?

And Emily is sure hearing the words comin’ outta his mouth. “Being good is not enough… I have a very mature approach to relationships… I’m not here to impress you but to make an impression on you… with my peen. I like your butt. God designed you to be a beautiful woman, so be a beautiful woman.” I’m wondering if he’s confused chauvinistic with flirtatious.

Then it gets really weird. “I had a hard time the other night because no one was there to relieve my erection. I’ve been praying for you to use this opportunity to impact tons of people, like Mother Teresa or Jenna Jameson did, so I can bang ‘em all when the shows over.” Emily feels Spidey is judging her. No shit Sherlock! 98.7% of America is judging you and your overzealous lip-locking needs.

You can tell Emily is dreading the two-on-one date with John and Nate, so she attempts to catch chickens on the beach. Not an easy task as I know from experience. Nate confesses he recently had a break-up, which means he will probably talk about his ex. In the opposite corner, John feels left out because all of his friends are married with kids, so he’s looking for the first available woman. Looks like you picked a good one! Clearly, the odds are in your favor here.

Nate’s optimistic approach to the date: “It’s the most time I’ve spent with Emily… kinda sucks having another guy on your date.” Not unless you’re into dudes, but thank you for that insight, Captain Obvious! You two are not worthy of superhero identities.

As the date winds down, Emily wants to see whose pants she can make tighter so she chose to wear white pants into a damp, dark cave. During their meail, Emily doesn’t know who to look at. “Is this quinoa?” Hey, it’s keen-WAH, biznatches, not kih-NO-ah! Something I learned off a menu last weekend! “It’s very good fiber!” Such wonderful conversation these three have! You can hear water dripping from the cave teets…

Before the big reveal, Emily pulls each guy aside. Nate pulls a Charlie, only here he confesses his homosexuality on national TV. “My brother is the most amazing guy… (sob)… my friends are like amazing… (tears)” … “Aww, you poor thing, but no punani for you” … “Cheers!” Guess Nate should have taken his Midol before the date.

Meanwhile, John doesn’t want to be a floater in the pack. Well, at least you’re not the biggest turd in the bunch. I think Kalon and Ryan are fighting for that title. Needless to say, I don’t think Emily’s going to pick a guy who’s shed more tears thus far than she has, so she gives the rose to John while Nate contemplates what he did wrong with a smile on his face. Doug would be proud!

At the rose ceremony cocktail party, Ryan gets some more time to schmooze Emily. “There you go touching my leg… giving me a boner!” He thinks God has blessed him, and he needs to find Emily worthy of his steroid-shriveled cock. Is there anyone who would really want this douche-nozzle as the Bachelor?

In the other room, the greasy and talented Mr. Ripley  (look at that, if those two had a baby, it would be Kalon), Jef the polo player, and the other men strategize to have Arie intercept Emily from Ryan and his manipulative ways.

Emily makes the rounds, kissing all the bachelors to decide who has the softest lips to keep around. Poor, Alejandro. It’s an uphill battle for him next week. Anyone honestly think this is the guy she’s going to pick? The dead tributes in the Hunger Games had more airtime.

The Doug and Chris showdown (“Hulk Smash” versus “This-is-Sparta!”) isn’t as exciting as it seemed; these two have been at it since their “age-is-just-a-number” squabble. In fact, I started tuning out in anticipation of Love in the Wild 2. Yep, not kidding! Again, coulda told ya Michael was going since he was basically the strong, silent type all episode, and Charlie, well he seemed a bit socially awkward… like have-you-seen-my- baseball?

Don’t worry though! Next week should start to get more exciting, and if it doesn’t, just know that the finale is expected to be a real doozy. In the meantime, I’m reading Fifty Shades of Grey, as I hinted, and I’m watching lots of movies. I plan on incorporating a few reviews for those as well.

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