(Pop) Culture Shock

It comes in waves

Capture the (red) flag!

Posted by emzkbd on March 13, 2012

Surely those red flags didn’t stop Ben from following his Poo Bear peen straight into Courtney’s pot o’ honey. I’ve known all along, and you frankly should have, too. Heck, it’s been obvious the past few seasons because there’s always a frontrunner—J.P. for Ashley, Emily for Brad, and Roberto for Ali. Nevertheless, I like to think I kept it fairly neutral even though Courtney was an easy target.

Now that the season’s over, you probably don’t care too much for these reality stars, unless you’re my friend Kait who follows nearly every single one of them on Twitter, which has prompted me to do the same. Who knew stalking was so easy?

Ben and Courtney will not be doing the media tour so that they can work on their relationship. As the song goes, this year’s love prolly won’t last. At least, I thought those were the lyrics for a show that has yet to turn out a successful couple. Trista doesn’t count because she was a Bachelorette, and Jason married his runner-up—the girl he initially dumped. So here’s hoping for the doofy winemaker and his model girlfriend! Hope you’ve got a big peen and lots of meds to keep her happy. Throw in some wine and you might see a whole different personality that wasn’t caught on camera. “Winning!”

Back to last night, Ben’s still in Switzerland, waking up with the same sassy bedhead and wondering wistfully out windows if he’ll make the right choice. Here to help is his “mama” and twin caveman sister Julia. I swear if you cut her hair or Ben grew his they would look identical.

Right away those red flags are poppin’ more than the booties in a Jay-Z song. Julia is hella concerned that Ben still has a controversial woman left who causes problems with the other girls. Julia’s expression practically spells out “abort mission,” but Ben is too busy rockin’ out to “Big Pimpin’.” He’s dating a model, yo!

First up, Lindzi meets the fam, and before the date gets going, my first thought was, “Damn it feels good to be a gangsta!” Actually it was “Damn, I’d be nervous as hell trying to impress my future in-laws while eating,” and sure enough, Lindzi’s droppin’ things like they’re hot. I thought for sure her wine would end up on Mrs. Flajnik.

The stress was clearly evident on her face… literally. In each scene progressing to their one-on-one date, I located a new pimple. ProActiv should advertise during The Bachelor because dating is stressful as shit. Even Courtney had a bit of a blemish! Then again, maybe Ben’s just a grease monkey.

Back to the date, Julia is bent on taking down those red flags, just like Courtney was bent over the arm of a chair, taking it up the tailpipe. For Lindzi, it’s go time. “I’m more of a people person.” Really, I thought you were more of a horse person? Either way, she made it clear that they’re two very different women, and Julia seems totally convinced that Courtney will not belong. “A model? Pssh, yeah right! Our family doesn’t even know how to do our hair. That girl will never fit in!”

For the next date, Ben appears in a wooly man-sweater, complementing his mom and sister who also arrived in complete Swiss attire. Ben greets Courtney, obviously nervous because she’s carrying some red flags. As soon as she can strike, Julia grills Courtney about her experience on the show, and apparently Courtney’s feminine wiles reach beyond the peen because Julia bought every word. “I’ll never know what truly happened until I watch the show when it airs, but I think you’re a really great actress, worthy of an Academy Award.”

Later with Ben’s mom, Courtney gushes about their relationship, but Mama Flajnik lays down a subtle threat: “He is the best, and I want the best for him.” But Courtney’s on her game and fires back. “I’m pretty confident in the connection that we’ve made.” Translation: Ain’t nothing comin’ between me and my man!

Once the meet and greet’s over, the deliberation begins. Ben’s in love with both women; they’re two amazing girls; things just keep getting harder and harder. Blah blah blah! Lindzi’s great, but we know Courtney’s what you want. Let’s shave off an hour, put Lindzi on a plane, and call it a day! Think of how many roses wouldn’t have had to die!

No can do! ABC intends to draw out the suspense. Ben takes a page from Courtney’s master manipulator manual and tries to convince Lindzi that she still has a shot. Little did she know that the date he planned—skiing, her first time—was designed to have her evac-ed off the mountain on a stretcher. Sorry about your head! Better luck next time! Peace, out!

But Lindzi was smarter! She used Ben as her crutch. If she went down, he was going down, too! If she can’t have him, no one can!! At the resort, there’s a lot of nodding, yesses, and uh huhs, followed by making out to silence the verbal romantic diarrhea.

The next day, Ben called the heli-chopper to wisk him and Courtney away to a secluded spot, obviously the more intimate date. Yes, these two were super cute, cooking ka-bobs over a makeshift stove, making snow angels and sledding down the hill. Compared to skiing, this date clearly says “I want to spend quality time with you. That other girl could have broken her leg, but you’re a model and therefore belong on a pedestal.”

After their date, Ben arrives at Courtney’s humble abode. I knew she’d get him there someday, clothes or no clothes! Although I guess he went to Lindzi’s room, too! Last chance to lay the pipe before he sends her back to Dumpsville—population Lindzi… again!

Courtney must have gotten the stalker portfolio idea from Blakeley, and the producers obliged. How else would she have gotten those pics? “Past, present and future”—if that doesn’t say it all, then clearly you’ve not been paying attention. After all, it was a theme reiterated quite often after their date in Belize and blatantly used in his proposal. Ben didn’t have a theme with any of the other women, except maybe Kacie B.—“What the FUCK happened?”

The next day, Ben and the women take some moments of choreographed self-reflection, and then Ben gets a visit from Neil Lane. The only other thing this show has in its back pocket is a florist, and maybe a helicopter service. Naturally Ben has to pick the biggest rock because as Courtney said in the first episode she wants a two carat diamond. Meanwhile, the bride-to-be is modeling a baby doll in her bedroom window like the exhibitionist she is.

As the women prepare for their last day, you can’t help but think they’re dressing up for a Harry Potter convention. Those capes, those gloves, those ruffles definitely gave off a witchy vibe—only one of which could pull it off.

I’m sure America’s heart sank when Lindzi emerged from the chopper first, but all I kept thinking is her hair looked better on less important days, strapless dresses aren’t her style, and girl sure wasted no time getting in the first word, probably because the last time she was dumped she didn’t get in any. The whole time, it looks like she knows she’s going home without a ring, thinking “Damn, that’s gonna be a long flight!”

When Ben tells her he’s fallen in love with her, she hardly buys it, and what I’m hardly buying is her lack of emotion. She didn’t shed one tear to our knowledge, and her only piece of parting sorrow was “If things don’t work out, call me.” I guess she’s hoping he pulls a Mesnick! But who wants to be sloppy seconds, other than Molly?

The next thought on everyone’s mind is “Will he pull a Womack and not pick either of them? He has to have seen Courtney’s true colors by now, right Nicki?” But alas my fellow Bachelor fans, this season was unlike any other in that the Bachelor picked perhaps the most disliked woman in the show’s history.

Will it last? It seemed like a sweet, sincere proposal, both delivered and received. A romantic moment that even made me a little weepy! Watching the recap during the After the Final Rose (ATFR) it appeared they were both truly moved by the experience and their relationship on the show. Only time will tell, but I think the media scrutiny will get to them. Their true colors will surface behind closed doors, and the red flags will have been a warning unheeded.

Stay tuned for next season’s Titanic disaster, by which I mean guilty pleasure!

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