(Pop) Culture Shock

It comes in waves

Winning…not so much

Posted by emzkbd on March 6, 2012

From hand-holding to tampon-toting, this group of bachelorettes put on a great show. The anticipation of who Ben eliminates each week was nothing compared to the pee-my-panties excitement of watching Courtney bend over and take it up the tailpipe—an expression she has been known to use, perhaps both figuratively and literally.

It’s down to the final two—Courtney and Lindzi—in what ABC is promoting as the most controversial finale ever, just like all previous rose ceremonies to date. Unless Ben pulls a Womack (dumping both women) or a Mesnisk (picking one, dumping her, then picking the other), I don’t see it being that scandalous… and I know what happens. Either he picks Lindzi, putting all the tabloids to shame and perpetuating a Marlboro fairy tale, where they ride off into the sunset with a pack of Reds; or he picks Courtney, inciting the wrath of every seemingly normal woman in America watching this show.

But before the kitties can scratch, ABC gives us a behind-the-scenes look at how they cast the Bachelor Pad—by seeing who sleeps with the most people at a reunion. Now I consider myself a Bachelor fanatic, but honestly, I didn’t recognize half of these people, but of those I do remember, I can’t say I’m all that impressed.

Reid, you were such a dreamboat! And I thought you had a girlfriend?! Now you like a dilapidated Steve Carrell at the beginning of Crazy Stupid Love.

Kasey, of course you’re ready to show the world that you’re no longer Vienna’s puppet. Time to guard and protect some punani!

Ed—what a doofus! Everyone’s playing him up like he’s got swag, but I’m thinking there’s another word that rhymes with that that’s more suited… HAG! (What did you expect?) He looks like what frat guys grow up to be. At least he had nice things to say about his ex, Jillian.

Then there’s Ali, who’s whored up more TV and magazine spots than any other single contestant, and don’t forget there’s a Jake Pavelka out there! Ali fully intends to rule the BP house like Vienna, but with fewer nip-tucks and less one-man exclusivity. If Frank or Roberto or any of the other single guys show up, there will definitely be some hanky-panky along with a bouquet of drama. “He loves me, he loves me not… well Frank doesn’t love me. He still has a girlfriend, so how ‘bout I make-out with Ty to see if he’s jealous.”

Then there’s Ryan, who seems like such an easygoing guy, but not necessarily the guy you want to get naked with. Maybe just the guy to sell you the most eco-friendly appliances for your home at an affordable price!

Well, those are just the newbies, but I’m hoping to see some of our old favorites rejoin cesspool of reality incest. Hello, Mike Stagliano! Can my beef drapes breakdance on your face?

When the ice cream social commences, Chris “self-medicating” Harrison reminds us of the following: Casey S. has nothing to contribute except her obsession with Ben’s hair, Blakeley is a stripper/hooker/girl-your-boyfriend-cheats-on-you-with-if-he-likes-man-hands, Jamie has never seen let alone touched a peen, and Courtney is a call girl, waiting to be invited in.

Right away, the felines flex their fingernails, targeting Blakeley’s notorious “blessings.” If she had a low cut dress on like most of the other women, I’m sure the cameraman’s raging boner would have been visible from any angle.

Brittney still won’t admit that she looked bad on camera so she blames her lack of a connection with Ben on her departure. Before we get to hear more of her compelling story, the chattering Chihuahua chimes in to the conversation.

First up in the hot seat, Shawntel . Not so strutty now! Elyse can still be heard exclaiming “WHO ISSSSSSSSSS SHE?”

“Oh, she’s the one with the thunder thighs,” says the girl who looks like she was born with countless birth defects. Hatchet-face also contributes her two-cents to the name calling: “I’ll call you a bitch every time you walk into a room and own it, but I won’t call you ugly to your face like Spina bifida over there.”

Question of the day: How is Dr. Emily not the next Bachelorette? I don’t want to watch a weepy widower when I could watch someone rap her way through a rose ceremony. As long as she brings a better push-up bra!

Emily taught us some valuable lessons. 1) All men think first with their peen. In this case, when the ocean was in motion, Ben’s potion was Courtney’s lotion. This means, bring condoms, less mess. 2) Tread lightly when throwing people under the bus, because when you violently shove them toward their demise, you might get pulled under as well. Let them walk into oncoming traffic at their own risk.

One of my favorites parts of the night was when Chris asked Emily “So what happens if he chooses Courtney?” and the camera cuts to Kacie B. gripping Nicki’s hand like they’ve just been told the cancer’s back.

I won’t lie—Nicki in the hot seat almost put me to sleep. Maybe it’s because a woman who’s learned her lesson and knows she didn’t do anything wrong isn’t as exciting as a woman who shouts “What the FUCK happened?” and flies halfway around the world to get closure. But even then, that conversation started to lose me, not because of the mood but because of her sideburn that kept distracting me.

Meanwhile, Courtney is waiting in the wing. All the women are prepared to squash her like the black widow she is. If you’ve watched the show, as I’m sure you have, then I’m sure the things that were said about Courtney’s personality were no surprise. Emily, as the voice of reason, seemingly gave the most accurate and authentic portrayal of the experience, and boy do I love Monica’s sound effects to enhance her storytelling.

You know, the entire show we didn’t hear from the cow ball country chick in the corner. Probably because the Taco Bell dog wouldn’t stop Yo quiero-ing. I just wanted her nasally babble to cease.

Once Courtney makes her appearance, you can see Kacie B. is clearly jealous of how skinny she is. Courtney is calm and composed as she prepares for a beating that not even slave owners would have condoned. Even if you don’t like her, you have to give her props for walking in front of that firing squad.

Maybe she was researching her latest role as a battered woman on a soap opera series; maybe she has a multiple personality disorder and that was her sad face; or maybe she was truly a girl standing in front of a shaggy-haired boy asking him to pick her over all those other bitches and this was her way to prove it. The world may never know!

However, it does seem awfully suspicious that she went wedding dress shopping a few days after the taping. Another way of throwing it back in their faces?

Chris Harrison had to step away to notify a chopper than he may need a med-evac. Apparently, he was sick during filming, but dude keeps it fresh and crisp on air. “My name’s Chris Harrison, and I poop rainbows!” It sounds better when a leprechaun says it.

Courtney proceeds with her monologue, which I’m sure included various excerpts from sociology textbooks and How-To pamphlets on apologizing profusely. And who knew Jenna could compose a logical argument that nearly explains Courtney’s behavior?

Courtney claims she cared for Ben. Her hesitation here makes me wonder if she’s seen his womanizing in the latest reports from UsWeekly. Unless he’s with Lindzi, because finishing second when you expected to win would hurt, too. BTW, I totally wanted the show to incorporate the auto-tune video of Courtney singing “I got the rose.” If you haven’t seen it yet, enjoy it below!

Courtney Robertson’s “I got the rose”

Before we skip off to bed, we’re privy to Ben’s nightmare, and I’m not just talking about the one where he wears that hideous shirt. He claims he didn’t compare the women to each other, just to Courtney and her open-hoo-ha policy.

Smart Emily proceeds to ask the stupidest question of the night: What went wrong? I can’t imagine you bad-mouthing Courtney had anything to do with it. But you thought it was the raps? Looks like Emily’s words of wisdom have vanished because she’s just been whisked back to START.

Later, Nicki and Ben discuss their sexual encounter:

Nicki: “I will back that you are the best man I’ve ever bagged in my life.”

Ben: “My penis had such good feelings about you, too. You were so nurturing in bed… and I liked how I could go really, really deep. I really respected that about you.”

Jamie is still holding out for that feeling, which is probably why she asked Ben to give her another try. Maybe this time with more tongue and less lap dance!

And finally the most surprising confession of the night, Ben admitted to getting naked all the time. So see, it wasn’t Courtney’s fault! It was Ben’s peen that needed the fresh air, followed by a warm, wet place in which to submerge itself.


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