(Pop) Culture Shock

It comes in waves

Sexy time in Switzerland

Posted by emzkbd on February 28, 2012

Ben has one more stop—actually 3 stops in 3 vaginas. Yes, Ben, we know it’s a lot harder than you’d thought it’d be, and one’s a blonde! Who knew you’d be able to get it up?!

It’s overnight dates in Switzerland, and Ben’s afraid he’s going to blow it some way. In fact, I’m willing to bet he blew it a lot of ways.

First, Ben describes the women. Nicki, the dark horse, is up first, which I’m sure offended Lindzi. The horse metaphor, not the first part, athough who wants to be sloppy seconds? Ben reminisces about how the rain poured on them in Puerto Rico, just like Ben poured his sea scrub on Courtney in the ocean there.

Next up, Ben says Lindzi is funny, but the only time I’m laughing is at her.

And then there’s Courtney and her weird magical force. What does her hoo-ha have a tractor beam inside it like the Death Star? I want to play the Darth Vader theme when I see her now. Ben says the chemistry her hand job is unlike anything he’s ever felt. Next thing you know, Courtney’s playback is heard saying she likes to “bend over and take it up the tail pipe.” Straight from the model’s trout pout!

Who to choose, who to choose? In Switzerland, serial killer Ben is roaming the city in his black attire complete with raper boots and O.J. gloves,  looking to satiate his appetite peen with an unsuspecting local, except that’s Lindzi. Oooh, but here comes Nicki, who told him she loved him and showed him her deep throat. Open wide for the cameras!

It’s no surprise a helicopter appears to whisk them away. ABC must have them on speed dial along with those limos. “We need to evac an ugly crier… can you be here in 5?”

Ben: “My relationship with Nicki, it’s getting to new heights, but at the same time, it’s grounded!” That was deep Ben, probably deeper than the meat cave you’ll be exploring later on. He hopes she’ll say yes to staying the night because it feels like they can continue their love {awkward pause} story. Code for: I want to see if she squeals when I pork her.

Before the chopper had a chance to tumble off the mini mountain, it took off and left them on the rock so Ben could ask the important questions, like “what positions should we try”, “should I bring toys”, “do you mind lube.”

Then there are the less important questions. Ben wants four kids, Nicki wants two, the math just doesn’t add up here!

Ben is glad that Nicki is willing to put out because he’s ready to take it to the next level. Surprisingly, he’s nervous to give it to her. Either way, she better be ready ‘cuz he’s bringing da dick! Nicki wastes no time pouncing on that peen. “It’s been a year and a half since my husband and I separated I had sex, so let’s talk about your dad to set the mood.” One kiss and Nicki’s wetter than a slip-‘n-slide, so naturally Ben gives her a bath in the hot tub.

The next day, Lindzi arrives sans winter wear, prepared to jump out of a helicopter again. Someone should have told her Nicki got that date this time! Even so, Ben obviously thinks Lindzi is an adrenaline junkie, so to kick it up a notch, they let people slowly lower them into a ravine under the guise that they’re “rappelling.” Uh, I think that’s where you actually rappel off a wall/cliff/building. This was less entertaining than watching snow fall.

Back at the hotel, the ice queen melts in the hot tub. After they’re all clean, Ben lures Lindzi down a creepy stairwell where he plans to make a skin-suit out of her oompa-loompa epidermis, but first, dinner with special guest Gene Shalit.  Ben’s face fuzz is well on its way!

After dinner, Ben hands Lindzi the fantasy suite card. She first protects her virtue with an “I swear I never do this” and then throws it out the window with a “Let’s get it on so I can have another cig.” Ben tells her she has the key to his heart when really it’s the key to her vagina.

When they get to the room, Lindzi describes it as “a fantasy of a suite.” Oh Lindzi, now I see why Ben loves your humor! She’s ready to let Ben in so much, so she puts it all out there, trying to be vulnerable. Yeah, I’d feel vulnerable, too, if I weren’t wearing any pants! When Ben sees this, he drops the L-bomb stat, thinking “I gotta use that ‘key to me heart’ line more often.”

After Ben gets it in, he’s ready for more. “I’ve had a really, really great week, but today is all about Courtney… and her loose vagina.” He has a very Swiss date planned, and I’m thinking, streaking? Since Courtney’s no stranger to taking her clothes off, why not bounce around town in your birthday suits? That way, Ben knows what he’s working with.

Bells start chiming at Ben’s queue. He says Courtney wants to try new things… like bread and cheese. I mean, there’s so much out there once you get past the laxatives.

During their date, Ben wants to play “Hey, cow!” and Courtney thinks it’s a real game that she might be good at, like hopscotch or home-wrecking. She makes a feeble attempt, which bores Ben right into a bottle of wine. How about next time you see how loud you can say penis like they do in 500 Days of Summer! That’ll really get the cows lactating!

Ben wastes no time getting really kinky with Courtney when they conversation turns to girl on girl. Courtney admits that she said hurtful things. I disagree! I tell people I want to shave off their eyebrows all the time… prevents uni-brow. And I verbally assault people, too. It keeps ‘em in line. Unfortunately, Ben was embarrassed to be turned on in front of the moo-cows, so he asked if they could discuss it later…,in the bedroom… in front of a fireplace… with whip cream and strawberries.

It’s there that one of Courtney’s multiple personalities starts to cry, which later leads to a serious conversation by another personality where she admits to being immature. Hey, if finishing fights rather than starting them is immature then I belong in diapers.  The best part of this whole interlude is that it proves a simple apology can negate all the crazy spewing from those surgically-enhanced lips.

Speaking of blow job lips, Ben is ready to throw down for the third time. He wants uninterrupted {another long awkward pause} everything sex. Just say it, Ben! We know you’re thinking with your lasso, so rope that cow and tip her over!

Forget meaningful conversation in this hot tub, Courtney and Ben have progressed to full-on sex.

Now interrupting this announcement: Brad Womack’s leftovers.

Single mother Emily Maynard is clearly the wildest, most unpredictable bachelorette yet. I mean, if she said “yes” to Brad, a guy who obviously still had to work out some issues with a therapist, then who knows who she’ll say “yes” to this time! A boy wonder who still lives at home with his mom while pursuing an acting career? We can only hope!

Emily says she gets really lonely after Ricki goes to bed. Hey, honey, it’s called happy hour! Find a babysitter!

To help her on her way, relationship expert Ashley Hebert and fame whore Ali Fedotowsky share their tips for fifteen minutes of reality stardom. I guess this means she’ll find a live-in boyfriend or a job at a local news station.

Paying for this “commercial break,” Titanic 3D! The women take Emily on her first date, and suddenly ABC has 15-34 demographic. Ashley points out that the way Jack looks at Rose is the way J.P. looked at her. I swore stuff like that only happened in the movies! Another thing she points out is that Jack dies in the end, and she really wants that for Emily, who gets all misty-eyed.

And who goes to the movies dressed like they’re working Hollywood Boulevard? Last time I went, I wore a sweatshirt with my hair in a sloppy ponytail.

Back to the show, Kacie B. spends a few minutes heavily breathing outside Ben’s door like she’s trying to pass a turd. Hearts a-racing, Ben invites the hot mess in to stutter out incomprehensible sentences like a mechanical robot. First, she wants to know what the FUCK happened! Ben takes it rather well. “We’re worlds apart… in all fairness to your family, I didn’t want to deflower you on national television.”

Kacie: “Dammit, mom and dad, the vibe was supposed to be fun and flirty not prude and passé.” With that, Kacie flies off the handle and squashes Courtney like the black widow she is. Ben encourages her word vomit before throwing her ass out of his hotel room. You saw her on the floor!

Kacie: “I don’t like saying things like this, but most of America is backing me up here!” From there, she hitch-hikes back to the States, spouting something about still loving him and hoping he doesn’t get hurt. You know, after getting dumped, I hope that the next train-wreck does a number on my ex as I never could. I also hope she resembles one of those sad, battered animals you see on the Sarah McLachlan commercials—the ones missing an eye or limping in a cage!

And on that note, it’s nearly rose ceremony time.

Ben: “I don’t really know what the hell is going on anymore here, Chris.”

Chris: {Queue perplexed look as if he’s been abstaining all week in a Swiss nunnery while Ben is experiencing sexual overload}  “I can see you’re conflicted tonight… maybe we should bring in a few Swiss trannies to set you straight.”

But before Ben can make his (almost) final decision, he eerily glances out the window for his next unsuspecting victim.

Chris: “Ladies, whoever gets sent home tonight was a bad lover.”

Nicki: “But what if it means we just had morals?”

Chris: “Nope, Ben got more excited riding a mechanical bull than he did riding you, Nicki. Please say your goodbye to Lindzi because Courtney don’t care. She got the rose. Auto-tune that shit.”

Ben walks Nicki to her limo that was called 5 minutes before to evac a wet mop.

Ben: “I cried a little bit today, but that was because I saw Titanic in 3D.”

Nicki: “I’ll never let go Ben, I’ll never let go.”

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One Response to “Sexy time in Switzerland”

  1. Kait said

    Love!!!!!

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