(Pop) Culture Shock

It comes in waves

Do not feed the alligators…

Posted by emzkbd on February 22, 2012

Unless the gator is Courtney and you’re feeding her the other women.

The hometown dates on The Bachelor kick off with Lindzi in sunny Florida. No wrestling gators just yet! Ben greets Lindzi during her morning gallop.

“Nice ride! How much horsepower does it have? Har har har! You look good on this thing! Do you know reverse cowgirl, too? Yee haw!” Evidently, someone is ready for the overnight dates next week!

Before ya know it, Lindzi is breaking out her whip. It’s always the quiet ones that are freaky! Holy shit balls!

During their one-on-one time, Lindzi tells Ben that “vulnerable” is a big word for her. How about monotonous? Because that’s what I think of this conversation!

Lindzi tells Ben that she’s only ever brought home one guy, and apparently she’s still not over him, judging by how emotional the discussion made her.

From there, it’s over the river and through the woods to meet Lindzi’s parents, whom it seems she knows very little about. You’d swear this chick was adopted!

Ben proceeds to have a cock fight with Lindzi’s dad:

  • “We had our first date in San Francisco!”
  • “We got married in San Francisco!”
  • “Well we still had our first date there, so beat that!”
  • “We got married in City Hall.”
  • “Well, we went there, too! And some dude serenaded us to our first dance, so HAH!”
  • “Listen you little shit, we’ve been married for 40 years. You prolly won’t even see another forty years, ya boozehound.”

And the trash talking didn’t end there! When the chariot race began, Ben let out more expletives than a sailor. That little dog he was holding was clearly offended.

Later on, Lindzi’s mom tells Ben they kept her away from boys by keeping her involved in various activities—from horseback riding to drill team to cheerleading. Uhhhh, wait a sec! Doesn’t cheerleading go hand in hand with, well, handies? “Gimme a B, gimme an E, gimme an N… gimme a D! What’s that spell? BEND me over and hump me out!”

From fallin’ in love with Lindzi to some ball-bustin’ at Buster Boguskie field, Ben visits Kacie. Here, at on her high school football field, Kacie plans to remind Ben that she is the youngest one left. So young in fact, that she probably still fits into all her high school uniforms, but instead, she chose to greet Ben in maternity pants and charge him like a sexually frustrated bull.

Kacie tells Ben intimate details, like her grandparent’s Notebook-esque love story and how she lost her virginity under those bleachers. Since Boozer Ben can’t go anywhere without a bottle of wine, Kacie thinks it’s time to warn Ben that dad doesn’t drink. “We’re in the Bible belt, Ben! My parents haven’t even held hands yet. I was immaculately conceived.”

Ben’s wheels start turning. “We’re pretty different people; I don’t know how much we’ll have in common.” Well, there you have it folks? Ben was conceived the old-fashioned way—the pull-out method.

Ben doesn’t want to kiss Kacie in front of her parents, and she calls it a “respect thing.” But really, Ben doesn’t want to get shot in the face, so he nods his head in agreement. “Just be yourself,” she says. What she means is do a little streaking, make out with her mom, and hold a rose ceremony after dinner, where you send the prudest person home, which could be a toss-up.

I must say, this family utterly astounds me. Kacie’s dad looks 10 years old than her mom, who looks like a closet rug-muncher. Their traditional beliefs and overbearing behavior make it no wonder why their daughters have eating disorders. That and Kacie’s sister looks like she had a botched plastic surgery.

When Ben sits down with Kacie’s old man, he asks, “What made you keep Kacie this long?” To which Ben responds, “Well, sir, I have a thing for women with the bodies of 10 year old boys. I have very strong feelings for your daughter, but you should know that I’ve been putting my peen in three other punanis.”

Next up is Kacie’s mom: “We didn’t have a lot of babysitters because otherwise I would have had a lesbian Mary Kay Letourneau moment. However, I do watch the show a lot, mostly for the bikini scenes, and I want you to know that I’m not okay with Kacie and you moving in together when you fake propose. I would prefer she find a nice young lady to room with and experiment because once the Boguskie women get married they’re in it until they die.”

Back to Kacie’s dad who’s checking in with Kacie:

“Y’all need to listen to your mother. Get your own place; hold hands; play twister.”

“But daddy, I want to play twister in his bedroom, in the dark, without any clothes on.”

“Now you listen here young lady, if he asks my permission to marry you, I would say heck no y’all.”

“This is so frustrating, like that time you found me testing with my gag reflex. I haven’t rushed anything, daddy, but now I want to spin the wheel and place my left hand on Ben’s blue balls.”

She says that because at this point, Ben realizes that Kacie is wearing a chastity belt that not even ABC can negotiate her out of. I guess her closed-mouth kisses aren’t the only thing on lockdown.

From Tennessee, Ben makes his way to Texas, where Nicki is already squealing like a pig ready for slaughter. Now unlike Lindzi, the last guy Nicki brought home, she married. “Finding the right boot is like finding the right partner in life. You’ve got to find just the right fit.” Talk about a metaphor for sex; I assume then that she’s tried on a lot of boots.

Nicki is ready roast the other women:

“I hope you don’t think I’m beating a dead horse because I only do that when the horse deserves a beating. Lindzi showed me how to whip it good.”

“Ben, you’re very interested to know details, like what design Courtney shaves into her pubic hair.”

“[My parents] saw me go through a really hard time, not like Kacie’s, though, who drove her to bulimia and then punished her with celibacy.”

Nicki says she couldn’t marry someone her parents didn’t approve of, which is probably a small percentage of the population since she already picked a winner the first time. But no worries, Ben! This one’s a sure thing if you propose!

Back at her house, Nicki and her father have a heart to heart. He feels guilty that he let his daughter’s marriage fail. If only it were that easy to blame our parents for our failed relationships, or have the Kardashians already done that?

At dinner, Nicki’s dad gives a toast: “Nicki, you’re just glowing. He didn’t knock you up, did he? That’s how we got in this mess the last time.” I personally love the cutaway of Nicki’s mom snickering at her ex-husband’s speech. I was hoping she’d tell him to sit down and shut up. No one wants to see an amicable family unit; we want to see the bat-shit-crazy clan.

“Ben, can I take you upstairs for a quickie? Don’t worry! Like I said, my parents aren’t like Kacie’s.” She proceeds to tell him that she doesn’t want anything else. “I want you and me [and] San Francisco. Or maybe I just want San Francisco. I don’t know! I haven’t been single very long.”

Ben: “I looked over at Nicki and thought ‘I love this girl.’” <—Commitment-phobe!

The final stop is Arizona. Courtney actually admitted to treating the girls badly and that she’s not proud of everything she’s done, except the skinny-dipping—that was her shining moment.” Courtney says her dad calls their house the “casa de niñas,” which, I won’t lie, is a little creepy. What is this—some kind of sex-trafficking operation in Scottsdale?

It’s here Ben basically tells us all the reason why Courtney’s could win: she’s always stood out, their last date was a monumental day, and he can see their past, present and future. Of course, that doesn’t necessarily mean she’ll be the one with the final rose: “It would bother me if I ended up with someone who rubbed people the wrong way.” Like, she doesn’t give as good handies as Lindzi, or she’s a conniving bitch?

The last guy Courtney brought home was probably an Abercrombie model whose vocabulary was limited to “cool” and “far out,” so it’s no wonder the clone from which Courtney was created thinks Ben is a tad odd. Mama Courtney warns Ben that she has the final seal of approval, which in this family, I’m sure she has to sunbathe in the nude with him first to know if it’s the real deal.

As conversations pair off, Courtney and her sister escape for some chit chat; Courtney and girl talk must be as rare as capturing shark sex on camera. Meanwhile, Courtney’s dad and Ben discuss how marriage is a gamble, and Courtney’s dad isn’t betting on her. However, he does want grand-babies, which again would be as foreign to Courtney as a bad hair day. Then Courtney sits down with her mom: “You look so pretty, mom. Your plastic surgeon did marvelous work, which reminds me that I need my lips plumped before Switzerland. Gotta have perfect blow job lips!”

Before family time is over, Courtney’s sister calls Ben a straight shooter, but I’m sure Courtney would beg to differ. I bet his peen was bobbing all over the place in the Caribbean.

From there, totally out of chronological order, Courtney tells Ben she has a big surprise for him, and it’s not a threesome with other models! She’s planned a shotgun wedding. Why else would she wear a white dress?

Screw the rose ceremony and the other women! Ben is ready to shit his pants. Courtney fixes her hair twenty times, primping for her nuptials. They write their vows and walk down the aisle, where no guests are waiting. Of course, this would be like Courtney’s real wedding because no one likes her enough to attend.

Ben is asked to read his vows, and he says all the nice things you can say to a person without giving them the wrong idea. “Is this too good to be true?” Yep, wait until your first fight when she shaves off your eyebrow. “I love how make me feel when I’m in your presence… you’re real and honest.” Yep, real honest! “Thank you for believing in me because I’m about to find out that while I was believing in you the rest of the world was hating you.”

Courtney: “Aw, that’s so good. You just did that right just then.” (Actual quotation!)

Ben: “Uh yeah, you made me!”

Literary genius: “Gee shucks, I copied mine from all my favorite songs and movies.”

Priest: “If this were a real wedding, America would be flippin’ pissed.”

Now that that’s done and over with, Ben returns to L.A. and sits down for confession with Father Chris.

Ben: “Well, Lindzi’s parents showed me there erection interaction.” Enunciation, Ben! Otherwise, we’ll need clarification.

Ben: “[Kacie] is definitely one of the most kind and gentle women I’ve ever met, which will make deflowering her on an overnight date more awkward than Ed not being able to get it up for Jillian.”

Chris: “The end of the night, Nicki pulls you upstairs. Tell me about that!” Ben: “Well, Chris, what can I say? She sure knows how to Texas Hold’em.”

Chris: “[Courtney] had a bit of a surprise for ya. Tell me about that!” Ben: “You know Courtney! Next thing you’ll know she’ll have me bound, gagged and awaiting a gang bang.”

And then at the rose ceremony…

Ben: “My heart is beating out of chest, like my peen springing out of my pants every time I see Courtney, so I’ll give her the first rose. Lindzi can have the second one since I hear she gives good handies.”

Chris: “Ladies, if you hadn’t already guessed, this is the final rose. Whoever Ben picks may get sloppy seconds or thirds on the overnight dates.”

Ben: “Well, then I’ll have to give it to Nicki. I don’t want to call a locksmith in Switzerland when I pull down Kacie’s pants to reveal a full-on metal girdle.”

Kacie needs a moment to purge her feelings… and her last meal. When she’s finished, she climbs into the limo for the most emotional orgasm I’ve ever seen.

“Why does it have to hurt so bad?” Well, look at it this way. If you had to follow Courtney on the overnight dates, you might have ended up with the clap, and I’m sure that doesn’t feel too good either.

“I thought I knew what he was looking for, but I guess I was completely wrong.” Yep, he obviously has a raging boner for Courtney.

“I had no clue this was coming… I’m so upset.” I think your parents did. They slipped Ben a fifty.

“What does he want?” More skinny-dipping, threesomes, and some handies from Jennifer Love Hewitt.

“It’s not me… I thought it was me… I’m so stupid.” Here’s a new spin on “It’s not you, It’s me.” Stupid is as stupid does.

“Why am I not good enough? I don’t get it.” I thought we went over this. Because you can’t tempt Ben’s python from his pants like Courtney can.

“This is why I don’t love.” I thought it was because your parents wouldn’t let you?

“I LOVED him, and I don’t know what to do now.” There’s always Bachelor Pad 3!

“How did this happen?” Well, you signed up for a show called The Bachelor… and unless you’re Jason Mesnick, you can’t pick everyone.

“What the fuck happened? What the FUCK happened?” Yep, been there, done that.

Tune in next week for some hot sex in Switz.

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