(Pop) Culture Shock

It comes in waves

Bachelor Ben hosts Shark Week

Posted by emzkbd on February 14, 2012

It sure is a feeding frenzy on The Bachelor this week, unless you’re Kacie B. whose frenzy comes after the feeding when she has to excuse herself to the bathroom. This week, Ben finds himself in shark-infested waters, where Courtney is outwitting and outlasting her prey.

Ben arrives in Belize sporting some side boob and telling us that he’s not ready to share his feelings of love with anyone… at least not until the overnights when he plans to bait his hook.

When the women arrive, Emily points out that she’s sharing a house with four other girls and a shark. “Courtney likes to sleep a lot; then gets up and attacks. And then goes back to bed, and you never really know when the next bite is coming!” Duh-nuh, duh-nuh…

The first date card arrives for Lindzi, who is perhaps the most docile shark in this aquarium—the zebra shark—not a threat to anyone.  “Two halves make a whole.” Courtney has no clue what that means because she failed math class, and every other subject, but Ben wants Lindzi to know that it’s baby-making time.

The rest of the women are sad that it’s not their one-on-one time, and Emily equates Ben to cheesecake, probably because he goes straight to your hips.

For their date, Ben planned to throw Lindzi from the helicopter without a life vest into a “Blue Hole” that is 500 feet deep, but she wouldn’t stop kissing him. Holy shit balls is right, Lindzi! You were gonna die!

After the attempted homicide, Ben brings Lindzi ashore where there’s a picnic dinner waiting. “Is this us?” No, bumblefuck, it’s for the other couple waiting to be filmed.

Ben describes their relationship as “funny and serious.” Funny because there’s seriously no chemistry between them! Even so, Ben wants to seal their bond with an eternal promise to never go looking for their message in a bottle, which washes up on shore in a matter of minutes. If I found that bottle with that ridiculous fairytale, I would presume it was written by a 12 year old boy with a raging boner.

Emily gets the next date card. Do you Belize in love? With this, Courtney wants to kill herself, and Kacie hands her a .45. Courtney says Ben knows how Emily’s affecting her, so naturally that bitch has to go.

But Ben’s only got one thing on the brain, which is why he greets Emily with vagina hands. For those of you who don’t know what I mean, here’s a visual:

Ben plans to use these hands to wow Emily on their date. They visit a fisherman who is clearly making some insanely dirty joke when he tells Emily he’ll give her his lobster if she smiles and gets wet for him. Ben willing accepts this deal, so the fisherman takes them out into the middle of the ocean where they’re forced to catch his lobster. If you’ve ever played with a lobster you know that they’re squirmy little critters, so you have to be firm with them or else you’ll never get it in your mouth.

Back at the house, Courtney needs to make a new BFF since Casey left, so she confides in Lindzi. She doesn’t want to be treated like shit, but she’s okay with slinging it. Courtney is at her wit’s end, which is code for “off her meds.”

Near the ocean, Ben observes the Whale Shark as it opens its big mouth to talk about Courtney some more.

At least this time she didn’t dwell on it, which is probably why Ben called her “smart.” Before the date ended, the Whale Shark made sure to give Biologist Ben a close-up of its feeding habits, i.e. lots of tongue.

The next date goes to Courtney, who makes it clear that if she gets the one-on-one time, she’s more important than the rest of them. Awww snap! With that, Kacie B. is ready to smack a bitch, and I say, if you’re going to fight, do it in jello.

Ben says he wants to take the next step in their relationship, which has to mean the mile high club because from sex on the beach you can only go up, right? Meanwhile, Courtney thinks the spark has fizzled, so her plan is to reel that fish back in. Ben takes her to some Mayan ruins, where we could only hope he would sacrifice her for a fruitful harvest. Wine for everyone!

It’s here that we witness the Bull shark, known for its unpredictable and aggressive behavior.  First, make your prey think you’re uninterested, and if possible, play the victim. Bam! Ben confessed he wants to console her, and then he tells her that she is the only fish in his sea of women that stands out. Together they climb the temple, which is a literal, not sexual, statement. When they reach the top, Ben exclaims, “Oh my Dad!” I hope you don’t say that when you’re banging your girlfriends. It might be a moving experience, but it could give off the wrong idea.

At the villa, the women receive the group date card, and Kacie is adamant about earning this rose, so it was evident she had it in the bag. The women also speculate about Ben’s date with Courtney.

They agree that Ben is an attentive guy, which means he’s attending to Courtney’s hoo-ha. Now the Bull-y shark goes on the defensive, claiming she’s tried to get to know the other women and befriend them, but in the same breath she describes them as boring, self-absorbed and annoying. “I wasn’t NOT getting along with them, but I was trying to shave off their eyebrows when they were sleeping. We’re not fighting in the house; I’m just stealth-bombing their one-on-one time in my white bikini. I have lots of guy friends, so I’m sure you realize that a lot of man-meat has gone through my factory. My job? I’m the talent… I have to make everyone happy, so I dance on tables… poles… laps.”

And just how many times did Courtney touch her hair during their date? 14… I counted.

When the group date started, I thought I was watching To Catch a Predator as Ben creepily made his way into each of the women’s bedrooms. Naturally, the women were terrified and immediately ran to shave their legs.

On this group, Ben gets to swim with sharks: a sand tiger shark, a mako shark, and a hammerhead shark. Let’s get to know each of these, shall we?

  •  The sand tiger shark—well, obviously we can see the toothy resemblance—would prefer to hunt close to shore presumably because it doesn’t want to be eaten by other sharks.
  •  The mako shark is one of the fastest sharks; it wants to find a man, fall in love, get married and have babies, as many times as necessary.
  •  The hammerhead shark has been known to regurgitate its food and acquires a tan more easily than other creatures.

During the date, Rachel is having an anxiety attack. She has a fear of sharks, and apparently believes that thrive in all bodies of water, including lakes, which is why she refuses to swim. Nevertheless, Ben convinces her to dive in and holds her hand during their swim… because that’ll surely save you from the jaws of death.

Later on, Nicki wants Ben to know she squeals he’ll fit in with her family, and Kacie wants Ben to know she can chum for fish is falling in love with him. Courtney’s not worried about Kacie though because she’s a little girl in a little boy’s body. If anything, she’s jealous.

Ben hopes that the women are open to receiving his peen, but the women are worried that it’s been tainted by Courtney va-zheen. My favorite shot of the night, besides the one Courtney just took, is this one  where Emily says they’ve made close, strong friendships on the show. Courtney sucks down her peen-ya colada, just like she sucked down Ben’s man yogurt.

All the women are counting on Ben sending Courtney back to the mental institution, as I’m sure you were, too, but alas, it was not meant to be this week. She hiked up her dress and told Ben that she’ll stroke Terry his tarantula if he gives her a rose.

Emily offers condolences to Courtney’s victims; Rachel has a few cigs during her exit interview; and Courtney doesn’t-wanna-be-ya. Kill shot!

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