(Pop) Culture Shock

It comes in waves

Dirty Dancing: Panama Nights

Posted by emzkbd on February 7, 2012

Last week, it was scandalous skinny-dipping in Puerto Rico, but this week’s Ben’s plane touched down on Courtney’s Panama City’s landing strip for some dirty dancin’… Patrick Swayze not included.

But before we get there, Courtney reminds us how Ben—like sperm whales—made the ocean extra-salty. I’m really looking forward to the fall-out from this on the Women Tell All. The skinny-dipping, not the cum chum in the ocean!

Ben tells all of his brides-to-be that each of them will get a date, and no one is more hard up to get one than man-hands Blakeley. She is dying to take Ben somewhere special, and by that I mean to her hermaphroditic  undercarriage. (See, Kait, that IS a word!)

Blakeley uses her she-man wrestling skills to tackle the real winner of the one-on-one date, Kacie B. Ben wants to play a little game of Survivor show-me-your-coconuts for a day and tells her to pack three items. Well, let’s see, I’m willing to bet she brings her baton, an oversized sweater than hangs off one shoulder, aaaaaand her gag reflex. Muahahahaha!

Oooo, I like this game! What would the other women bring?

  • Rachel: A retainer, a self-help book on how to succeed on a reality dating show, and a pack of Marlboros.
  • Lindzi: A cowboy hat, a fishing pole (so she can finally one-up Courtney), and that pearl necklace from her one-on-one.
  • Courtney:  A blindfold, handcuffs and nipple clamps! What else? One of my girlfriends said “three condoms,” but now that I think about it you really think she’d use condoms? Does this look like the face of someone who practices safe sex?

Her mouth is begging to suck some…

Back to the date, Ben and Kacie B. retreat to a deserted island, much like Brad and Emily did last season, and unfortunately this date is only slightly more interesting. Kacie B. brought a “monkey man” (no, not Kellan Lutz circa Twilight), a pocket knife and some candy. Shoulda gone with the blindfold, handcuffs and nipple clamps! Sex on the beach would have been more exciting than scavenging for edibles. Right, Courtney? Come on, you had a “normal” dinner date planned later anyway.

As I’m sure you could tell, Ben wanted some coconuts in his face, and Kacie B. wanted Ben to bust a ‘nut. The sexual tension was more obvious than Courtney parading around topless, frolicking in an empty pool or lurking outside a hotel room in a bathrobe. But instead, these Ben and Kacie B. go and catch a dead fish… and EAT IT! Makes Lady and the Tramp look classy!

Later on, Ben appreciates Kacie B.’s ability to “go with the flow,” just not as much as Courtney’s ability to swallow his flow. He also tells her he wants to “dive in deep” tonight. Uhhh, I think you already did that with Courtney.

Meanwhile, at the condo, the women receive the group date card and inevitably come to the conclusion that Blakeley and Rachel are destined for the ominous two-on-one date. Blakeley prepares to mindfuck her competition! Honestly, I’m sure she’s the only one in Bachelor history who sees this as an opportunity. Me? I would have packed my bags and called an ex-boyfriend to pick me up at the airport, to which I’m sure Casey S. can relate.

But before we get there, we have to endure a very serious conversation with Ben and Kacie B. Here I thought she’d confess to a teen pregnancy, recreational drug use or a stalker ex-boyfriend, but no! She had an eating disorder. Well, if binging and purging puts you on the Bachelor in a bikini, count me in! See, not everyone dies, and if you don’t, you’ll eventually reach your goal weight—once a nutritionist gets involved. Hey! Nobody said weight loss was easy! And since we’re sharing confessions, Courtney, do you have anything you’d like to expel? Maybe a half-eaten sandwich or handful of baked potato chips?

No? Okay, well either way it’ll still be her time to shake her ta-tas shine on the group date when Ben pulls up in a rickety Amazonian boat that clearly looks like it was patched with duct tape. No worries, though, as it carries Ben and all the women to a tribal village where they’re forced to strip down to cultural attire. Well, everyone except Courtney, who willfully undresses!

Likewise, Ben arrives in a loincloth, which hides his totem pole from the ladies when he realizes Courtney is flaunting her chesticles. Just an observation—no one else’s beaded tops appear to be see-through, so I think the black bar and shading were just a scandalous tease.  You be the judge?

They spend some more time trying to converse with the tribe, while Ben and Courtney have their own little date as always. She gets a little frisky during their bump-and-grind and tells him she’s “got to pinch him somewhere.” Queue Ben: My peen, my peen! Pretty please, pinch my peen!

Afterward, Ben again alludes to this whole going-with-the-flow concept, when (again) we really know he wants to watch the flow of rain trickling over Courtney’s bare boobies. Oh the joys of going primal!

During the group date, Ben and Lindzi have a tipsy conversation poolside, and it almost seems like she’s about to throw tits-McGee under the bus, when Ben chimes in that she’s so low-maintenance and drama-free. However, she admits to crying over Ben, but not as much as Blakeley. I mean, who can compete with Waterworks? Oh wait…

The date card arrives, and just when Blakeley thinks she’s in-it-to-win-it, Kacie B. pulls out the other date card. Peaches and roses? Yep, Rachel, the best things come in cans and bouquets.

Back at the date, Ben and Courtney steal away (with their clothes on this time), and Courtney suggests that Ben should stop by her room later, number 666 or something like that, so that Ben can “return the favor.” Guess that answers that question.

Courtney’s been planning this private time since the moment they pulled up their pants on the beach in Puerto Rico, and she can tell that “Ben’s itching for some, too!” That or from the crabs you gave him! But alas, Ben proved to be the average man—not so much in to the “give” as they are in to the “receive.”

More group date drama! Jamie tries to keep her fifteen minutes of fame alive, but Ben seems pretty set on sending her home without a lip-lock audition. To make matters worse, her plans of nabbing that first kiss are thwarted when the water nymph splashes around in the pool. “Hola! La piscina es muy frío. Quítate los pantalones!”

From one attention whore to the next… would someone please explain to me what happened to Emily this week? She’s drinking the I-want-to-stay-on-the-show kool-aid. She tries a lame attempt at humor, stating she’s got it bad for the chief. Ben ate it up, but I’m sure he was ready to start talking about Courtney some more.

EminEmily goes back to the group and decides to apologize to Courtney, which is like forgiving a Satanist. They just don’t accept it. I liked her better when she was fronting the Lynch Courtney mob.

On our two-on-one, Ben takes the ladies for salsa lessons. He feels bad for them, but he is also quite sure that he’s not ready to experience the double feature in Blakeley’s panties. He also admits that he’s not into the sexuality of the dancing, but rather the chemistry he will have with his partner. Again, this can be interpreted as “Blakeley, keep your baby dick as far away from me as possible.”

Blakeley is prepared to win this dirty dancing competition, so she tucked her junk aside and went for it. Sweating like an old man in a sauna? It just makes her look more sultry. Rachel, on the other hand, can’t even cut in on their dance. She’s got moves you’ve never seen… literally because we’ve never seen her make one.

At dinner, it can’t be any more black and white than their dresses. Ben’s caught in the middle of these two, just like he’d be caught between Blakeley’s hole or pole. Their strategies are also very different. Rachel goes for the full-on makeout, while Blakeley goes full-on stalker:

“Everywhere I’ve gone, I’ve just tried to picture it me and you—me feeding you in a wrought-iron cage. I don’t want to lose you before you even get to know me so I can’t let you escape. I’ve drugged you so you can’t move, and I’m going to share something with you that will probably make you quite uncomfortable because it looks like a serial killer created it. But I want you to know that I’ve already pictured our life together, and our children will be really attractive.”

I swore there would be customized photos of their wedding, honeymoon and future family. To Blakeley, it’s a scrapbook, but to Ben, it’s a burn book. So it’s no surprise he let her go, albeit not the smoothest rejection, considering she might come back and murder him and his bedmate on the overnight dates.

“That guy” is back to take her bags, and some clueless cat is prowling the neighborhood. I’m not sure I see the connection here; unless it’s the pussy Ben will never have, I’m at a loss.

The next day the women are discussing their menstrual cycles when Dr. Harrison stops by to diagnose Casey S. with a case of boyfriend blues. She caved pretty fast when Chris confronted her with the truth, so much so that it makes her look like a plant on the show. Producers must have decided that it was time to stage a riveting exit, like they did last season with Bentley. Her acting is horrible! Let’s hope that she’s not pursuing a career in Hollywood.

Even Ben doesn’t seem that surprised with the cameramen already in his room. Mid-confession, Casey shows us why they really picked her to be on the show—her ability to spontaneously combust into a fit of tears while still having a rational discussion with the host. I was waiting all season for an ugly-crier, and she gave an Oscar-worthy ugly cry performance. My words of advice to future contestants: Don’t be open to love (pfffff), be open to the possibility of a realllllly ugly cry!

Casey’s parting words: “Now I still have to find someone else… and I have to deal with this.” Honey, there are plenty of other dating shows! If only Love in the Wild gets renewed…

A few observations from the cocktail party: Nicki’s voice sounds like a cross between a crotchety old lady and a croaking frog, and we should check in every week with Courtney on who’s going home because she’s fairly accurate.

In the grand finale, the epic “dirty dance” of the episode comes from closet-freak Jamie, who decides to end her time on a slutty note. She begins her seduction by telling Ben that she wants to do things to him, like hold hands and skip through the park. She also had REALLY big plans, which almost caused her to split her dress as she saddled up to Ben’s pony.

She spends the next 5-10 minutes apologizing and making excuses for her inexhaustible case of the giggles and finishes with a confession: she’d like to get a little “fancier” … by braiding each other’s hair. Well, not exactly, but with her track record, that could have been their next bonding moment. Instead, she gives Ben a kissing lesson, much like the one I gave my fifteen year old boyfriend. I mean the one I had in high school! Who do you think I am? Demi Moore?

Unfortunately for Jamie, her time is up… literally! Ben doesn’t want to “have her”—as a lapdog or otherwise. He tells her to ride like the wind and find a new horse to groom in her stable of chastity, which I’m sure piqued Lindzi’s fetish.

No real surprises tonight, unless you thought Ben was into dudes Blakeley, but next week will surely have us on the edge of our seats as Ben prepares to send two more home. Who do you think will make it through next week to the hometown dates?

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