(Pop) Culture Shock

It comes in waves

Things that will blow your panties off

Posted by emzkbd on January 31, 2012

  1. An all-expense-paid trip to Puerto Rico

It’s here our bachelorettes continue to find love… or fame. You decide!

Emily is still distracted by Courtney. Maybe it’s because she can’t decide if she looks more like Russell Brand or Janice Dickinson. “Be Nice,” her shirt proclaims. And on the back, it said, “Or else you’ll be on my shit list.”

Chris Harrison informs all the ladies that everyone gets a date this week. So don’t talk about the weather, or in Emily’s case, Courtney! He leaves the date card, which Jamie reads but can’t speak Spanish if her flight home depended on it—reminded me of Kristen Wiig giving her toast at the engagement party in Bridesmaids. “Gracias para vivir en la casa, en la escuelas, en el supermercado…”

  1. A torrential downpour—nothing gets you wetter

Nicki gets the first one-on-one, and like she says, it always rains on their parade. But who wears wedges to parade around a city with cobblestone streets? Then, when she took them off, I thought, people probably pee on that street.

I was also hoping to see a slip-‘n-slide as they were running through the streets. Instead, Ben advertises his extensive Spanish with this gem: “It’s raining… gatos.” More likes pussies, Ben. You can’t beat ‘em off fast enough.

Plan B (because we all know Ben’s Plan A is to get out of those wet clothes) is to pimp his attire with some authentic Puerto Rican threads. Too bad he didn’t take Jennifer! Her wardrobe could have used any upgrade.

As their date continues, they encounter a real-life wedding, just like the one Nicki had. Ben tells her he wants a BIG wedding, one that ABC will undoubtedly pay for if his relationship survives.

Nicki says she wants to live with someone this time before she gets married, alluding to the fact that she moved in with her hubby after the wedding. For all of you who waited to cross that threshold until after your nuptials, you heard it from Nicki—your relationship is doomed.

Ben says he wants to propose one more time in his life, maybe two or three tops if ABC will foot the bill, and Nicki’s ok with that as long she’s one of them. She wants her second fairytale to happen in Bachelorville where it’s happily ever after the next one and the next one and so on. Hey, if it doesn’t work out with Ben, she can always color coordinate Ames’ wardrobe or guard and protect Kasey’s heart.

  1. Diamonds

Moving on the group date—diamonds are a girl’s best friend, and Courtney deserves TWO carats, Ben. I love how Emily is shocked by this date, not because Courtney came along but because there was no jewelry. You mean, yoga pants and tank tops don’t translate to a Neil Lane black-tie affair.

Nevertheless, Blakeley is totally psyched to show Ben her (base)balls, and Lindzi gets to play for both teams, which would have made Monica crazy-jealous. MVP—Ben’s most valuable pussy. Shhh, don’t tell Courtney!

The score is relatively close. Who knew strippers could play baseball and models (+ Kacie B.) could steal a few bases and win the game. Oh wait, that’s because they’re bitches. Hey, Kacie said it, not me. When the blue team loses, they take to the dugout to boo-hoo their loss. But wait, “there’s no crying in baseball!” Meanwhile, Coach Beast Blakeley is scolding her fellow teammates for not rolling up their shirts for their lingerie baseball look.

So the blue team stays behind, and the red team proceeds to Courtney’s sexy time. She doesn’t see Ben with a lot of the girls, unless she’s picturing a threesome she’s strategizing, but she’s worried about Kacie B. Never turn your back on a girl with a baton, Courtney. She’ll twirl you something fierce.

Competition aside, Courtney plants the seed—skinny-dipping while the other women sit by unbeknownst to them that Courtney intends to surf on Ben’s board.

  1. Your very own yacht… for a day

Nicki: “That thing is so BIG!” Ben: “Why thank you!”

J-Woww Elyse loves being in love, and she came on The Bachelor to find her perfect Guido, or some schlub named Ben. Hey Elyse, if things don’t work out for you, Courtney could always use a personal trainer binge-and-purge consultant.

Ben wanted to give Elyse a full date, so he could have a free fitness consultation. Right away, Ben’s voiceover compares their relationship to his and Ashley’s—might as well drop her overboard now. Hope you learned how to swim while you were accomplishing all those things you wanted to do!

Whoa whoa whoa! She missed her best friend’s wedding to meet Ben? Honey, you don’t have a best friend anymore, but maybe you can find a new one on Bachelor Pad 3.

This chick is sick of being single, so naturally she’s ready to marry Ben, or find someone who can buy her a dress with both sleeves. Back at their romantical dinner on the beach, Ben wants to cut things short because, come on, this chick admittedly wants to get married right there on the island. Pump those breaks, Snooks! The only beach you’ll be hooking up on is the Jersey Shore.

A solemn Ben picks up the rose and begins his break-up speech while Elyse radiates enthusiasm. Hell, why shouldn’t she? Ben’s midget tuxedo screams “marry me and improve my wardrobe.”

“What did I do wrong?” she wails. Well, for starters you picked the wrong show. People that smush and GTL don’t travel the world looking for love. They find it in one place with countless one night stands.

For a moment there, it looked like she was going to drown herself in the ocean. Then I realized she was escaping with other illegal immigrants on a boat back to the United States. What a powerful moment that could only be veiled by a classic ballad. Yep, the musical interlude creeps in for the tearful goodbye. Someone somewhere is shouting, “WHO ISSSSSSSSSSS SHE?”

Meanwhile, the women are on petals and thorns waiting to see if she comes back. Queue “that guy” who comes to claims the bags. “NO!” “What?” “Shut up!!” “Are you serious?” “You’re lyin’!” Yep, that dude should have turned around and yelled “PSYCH!”

I will give Courtney props for her zingers this week. You love to hate her, even though you probably really hate her and hope that someone shaves her eyebrows. “It’s bittersweet. Really sweet for me, really bitter for her… her hopes and dreams went out the door with that purple bag… another one bites the dust… blew my panties off.” As would…

5. Skinny-dipping

Courtney, like every self-respecting woman, knows how to manipulate an emotionally-exhausted man—by taking her clothes off. “I don’t know if he’s ever skinny-dipped with a model before—could be fun.” Well, let’s hope he knows how to swim because we know you haven’t got any flotation devices.

She taunts Ben by flashing some non-existent cleavage and then dragging him down to the beach. “I’m not some sexy vixen.” I don’t know. I think Russell Brand might disagree.

As she’s splashing around like the Little Mermaid, comparing whether her or Ben’s boobs are bigger, I couldn’t help but imagine Ben’s Flounder perking up and exploring her grotto. Makes me want to sing a perverted rendition of “Part of Your World”:

Look at my stuff, isn’t it neat

Wouldn’t ya think Ben’s got a big stick of meat?

Wouldn’t ya think I’m a whore, a whore who has everything?

I’ve got dildos and butt plugs a-plenty.

I’ve gotta booze it and barf it galore?

You want cock-‘n-balls?

I find so many!

But who cares, no big deal, I’ll write some moooooooooooore.

Nothing about the rose ceremony blows my panties off. Ben’s sit-down with Jennifer, reminiscing about their concert date, was like watching paint dry. In other words, it was “rad.” I think the word you were looking for Ben was BAAAAAAAAAD.

He definitely blind-sided her. I would have to say it’s the second most shocking exit of the season. She had an innocence and a sincerity about her stalker-ish behavior that even I thought would supersede brain-dead model zombies Casey and Jamie. I never expected her to win, but it sure seemed like he wanted to go under-her-sea. Ok, no more Little Mermaid jokes!

Another surprise of the night—Blakeley admitted to Ben that she was a hermaphrodite. “I’ve realized something about myself that I didn’t know before, and I can’t wait to talk to him about it.” Ben never saw it coming. “I’ve always wanted to find love… I never thought someone like you would ever be interested in a He-She like me… and I’ve wanted you to know that I’ve found something inside of me. Ben, I have a baby dick, and I want you to be my first. Now let me put my man hands on you.”

Before things get too weird, Ben makes the rounds while Courtney hints that she was the first to touch Ben’s winemaker. Emily, on the other hand, will never squeeze his grapes because she continues to stomp on Courtney’s squeaky-clean image. I guess we’ll see next week if her manipulations buy her another rose or if the frost comes early.

Do you think Courtney goes home next week?

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