(Pop) Culture Shock

It comes in waves

And how do you stop an evil dictator?

Posted by emzkbd on January 24, 2012

“You cut off her resources.  Courtney Robertson would be nothing without her high status man candy [Ben Flajnik], her tight physique [hot body], and her loyal band of followers [army of skanks].”

Last night’s Mean Girls episode flew us to the Canyons Resort in Park City, Utah, where I coincidentally have some history. While it may be the first (and only) place C Rob has ever caught a fish, it’s the first (and only) place I’ve ever ridden on a stretcher AND in an ambulance. Take it from me, Bachelorettes, if you’re trying to impress a guy, don’t end up on your back!

 

On their first day there, Chris “He’s too gay to function” Harrison brings the ladies some sound advice: “Don’t sit around and talk about the weather!” Right, Karen Casey? “It’s like I have ESPN or something! My breasts can always tell when it’s raining.”

Meanwhile Kacie B.’s caught up in her own tearful downpour because when she found out Rachel got the first one-on-one date she wanted to throw up. Well, so did I, but that’s because of Rachel’s 80 year old smoker’s lung and her leering snaggletooth.

As she departs on her date, hill-billy Lindzi’s acts like she’s never seen a helicopter. Hey, just because she’s a redneck, doesn’t mean she’s ignorant. “On the third day, God created the Remington bull action rifle, so that man could fight the dinosaurs…and the homosexuals.” Lookout Monica!

On to the best date of the season, we hear crickets… literally! Aside from a few declarations of “This is so romantic,” this date looked more uncomfortable than super jumbo tampons in a wide-set vagina. Another uncomfortable conversation, Monica and Kacie B. discussing how “hard” it is. I could only assume they were talking about Big Ben’s peen, naturally. I counted four hard’s and one rougher. Who knew Kacie B. could talk dirty?

The rest of Ben and Rachel’s bad date made me cringe. Stop foreshadowing your relationship! We know it’s not going anywhere! And you don’t have to talk about your flaws because Ben can see/hear them whenever you open your mouth.

When news of the group date arrived, our resident Mean Girl Courtney had plenty to say: “I’m only eating foods with less than 30 percent calories from fat.” So we know she was ready to take on the other girls. “Is butter a carb?”

While Ben nearly topples off his horsey, Redneck Lindzi is sproutin’ some lady wood for the man in the saddle. Personally I think a man who chooses to ride another animal is one pony shy of bestiality. Speaking of animal cruelty, Courtney is set on catching a fish, or as she puts it “catching Ben.” She sure reeled that one in, just like Kristin Cavallari did, baiting her vagina for Jay Cutler’s spermination. Just let ‘em swim upstream, Court! Oldest way to catch trap a man is getting preggo, but on this particular show I’d advise against it: “Don’t have sex, because you will get pregnant and die! Don’t have sex in the missionary position, don’t have sex standing up, just don’t do it, promise? Ok, everybody take some rubbers.” Same goes for next week’s skinny-dipping fiasco: “I know you’ll want to take off your clothes and touch each other, but if you do touch each other, you will get chlamydia… and die.”

Courtney proceeds to alienate Ben from the rest of the girls by making it her own one-on-one. “I have this theory, that if you cut off all her hair she’d look like a British man,” but back at the resort, the rest of the women are speculating that Courtney is a “life-ruiner.” Well of course she ruins people’s lives. Look what she did to Jesse Metcalfe! He can’t find a job if he paid for it… wait, is that how they met?

But alas, Ben is twitterpated, just like Thumper.  Not even Redneck Lindzi, fishing with her bare teeth, could distract him from pro-fisherwomen Courtney Bobber-tson. Once again, the bachelorette who really wanted the group date rose called dibs and came out thorn free, but before we get there, Ben is wowed by Karen Casey S. “Well you have your cousins, then you have your first cousins, then you have your second cousins…” Then you have an airhead boring us completely.

Perhaps the most scandalous event of the night was when Ben sat down with Samantha, who practically begged for more time with him when really she was on the rebound from her lascivious affair with a married producer. “That’s why her hair’s so big—it’s full of secrets!”

Apparently there was no sexin’, but I’m sure the show wanted to protect its own from a scandal akin to Rozlyn’s during Jake Pavelka’s season. It’s my belief we missed something, and apparently so did the rest of the girls, who seemed oblivious to what was really happening during Amanda’s unexpected departure. “I gave him everything! I was only half a virgin when I met him!” The world may never know.

One thing we do know: Ben’s in trouble with Kacie B. He said it himself—he might end up with her. But Queen B. Courtney will do everything she can to squash any other romances, including stealing that rose out from under you.  “I know how this would be handled in the animal world, but this [is] girl world, and in girl world all the fighting [has] to be sneaky.”

For the final date, Ben plans to do away with his stalker Jennifer once and for all by dropping her down a crater in the middle of nowhere. Oh, she survived the fall? Moving on… the women still can’t believe that Courtney got the rose, but sheer manipulation is a tough competitor. “You might think you like someone but… you could be wrong.” She will find a way to outwit, outplay and outlast the other women, even if it doesn’t mean a million dollar prize and the title of sole Survivor. You can tell this one wants her 15 minutes of fame.

Since Ben and Jen’s date is stillll not over, oh, there was a monsoon? Guess you can talk about the weather now, huh? Too bad, because everyone else is talking about Regina George Courtney. “One time, [she] punched me in the face shaved off my eyebrow. It was awesome.” But one person has had enough—Emily, a.k.a. home-schooled jungle freak, a.k.a. totally inaccurate portrayal of a sweet epidemiologist who goes rogue.

Unfortunately for her, Emily’s courageous act of honesty will inevitably backfire as it has with so many contestants before her who feel it is their duty to caution the Bachelor/ette. While these efforts seem valiant, it is hard not to mistake you as a rat, even though it may be the truth. The Bachelor/ette is blinded by love and may never recover, unless true love prevails.

Emily’s first mistake was confiding in Courtney’s BFF Casey, who will obviously stick up for her homegirl: “I know she’s kind of socially retarded and weird, but she’s my friend so just promise me you won’t make fun of her!” Casey definitely falls in line in the army of skanks because she immediately runs back to report to Court. “Boo, you whore!”

Once Courtney hears what Emily had to say, she flips the bitch switch. Oh sure, America will totally buy that you’re a nice person after this tirade: “I almost want to rip her head off and verbally assault her//I don’t start fights, I finish them//If you cross me… you should watch yourself.”  I can almost hear Emily responding: “That’s the problem with you Plastics—you think that everyone is in love with you when actually everybody hates you!”

I’m totally over Courtney’s obsession with “winning.” If you live it so much, you might as well apply to be one of Charlie Sheen’s bimbo goddesses. Sinning! I also think it was fair to say Courtney and Emily were acting like fifth graders mean girls, but I think Courtney’s exit with “I got a rose, you don’t” should have been followed with a taunting “na na na na na na!”

Time for the rose ceremony. Chris, you’ve totally out-gayed yourself yet again! Ben, you’re almost as handsome as Prince Eric, no, Jennifer is not Ariel, but Ursula has certainly disguised herself well as Vanessa Courtney, so find your Little Mermaid and let’s break this spell!

As we get another step closer, Ben ditches Monica, probably because she has a big lesbian crush on Blakeley, and tells the remaining women that they’re off to Puerto Rico. Courtney chimes in that she was just there. Well girly, you can certainly stay behind. I’m sure Jesse Metcalfe needs another D-List celebrity at his engagement party. Oh yeah, and I can toast lower! Boom!

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