(Pop) Culture Shock

It comes in waves

Model behavior

Posted by emzkbd on January 17, 2012

We’re three weeks in, and Ben already has a stalker. Maybe two, as I’ll point out later. And what better way to get rid of a stalker than to bring her to your hometown and show her around so she doesn’t get lost.

Of course, everyone who’s ever had a stalker knoooows that before you bring home a stalker you need to forewarn your family because things can go from kooky to bat shit crazy in less time than it takes to hand out half a dozen roses. Making a fashion statement with sunglasses on his back, Ben sat down with his sister Julia to tell her all about the girl who likes to ride (Lindzi), the girl who can twirl a baton (Kacie B.), and the girl who can’t do anything so she stands there and lets people take pictures of her (Guess!).

“My last date was with Courtney… she’s a model. I think you two would totally hit it off.” “Really, why?” Julia’s tone oozes disdain for models, probably because she was formerly obese. Not really, although she looks like she lost some weight since last season. Hey, I would too if I had to meet a bunch of hungry models and beauty queens who were using my brother to become the next Bachelorette.

Even though she hasn’t met them yet, she knows her brother is knee deep in punani and taking full advantage of what he learned from Dr. Ashley Hebert—teeth cleaning Bachelor-style. “Naughty, naughty” is right Julia! Do you think Borat would ask him wear he keeps his pussy magnet?

Chris Harrison sure has one, and it’s called a date card. Wink! Now even if you don’t watch the spoilers, it should seem pretty clear who’s getting the first one on one date girl in San Fran. Yes, that would be the girl who said “I think there’s a lot of pressure to be chosen for the first date… because whoever he chooses will say a lot about who he wants to see … the places that are important to him.” Why hello Emily! Did you know that was your date?

The editing actually spoils the show for you; you just have to pay attention. Before leaving, Chris says, “I hope I see all of you at the next rose ceremony.” Welp, I guess you blew that one wide open, Mr. Clairvoyant. Oh yeah, and the girl who is always featured as the greedy bitch vying for the group date rose is always the one who gets it. Last week it was Blakeley; this week it was Rachel.  I won’t spoil it for you; the show does that in its own clever way.

Speaking of clever ways… to kill your contestants! Ben and Emily climbed the Bay Bridge, and inevitably it bought them closer… to a more gruesome death. Just like Jake and Vienna, who had a similar bonding experience during their bungee-jumping date, this couple has staying power.

But I almost forgot! What are our stalkers doing? Well, everyone knoooows you can’t be a stalker without binoculars, or in this case, a telescope. Didn’t take accountant tracker Jennifer to spot them!

“A bridge takes two things that are separate and brings them together.” Yeah, and so do handcuffs! Bow chicka bow wow! During their dinner date, you could tell that this is what Ben was thinking. He just wants to get to the make-out sesh. Now we know she’s not even the best kisser, since her already pegged the wannabe firecrotch with that one, so to compensate he spices it up with some real fireworks to make the other women jealous. “She definitely got a rose!” Well, what if she didn’t? Maybe Ben likes to dump his girls and catch a fire in the sky display to cheer up. Now that I’d like to see!

Next up, a date sponsored by the Honda CRV and its campaign to complete a “leap list.” On Ben’s is the dream of skiing down a San Fran street during an Indian summer with hot chicks in teeny bikinis. Mine would be wrestling a Sasquatch in a mud pit in middle of the Alaskan tundra. To each his own!

Back at Fort Stalker, the producers fool us into thinking Lindzi will get the next one on one, when in fact it’s Brittney who’s doing the fooling. Emily tries to reassure her: “You guys will have a fun time!” “What if I don’t?” Dun dun dun! “Something doesn’t feel right for me!” Let me guess, is it that Grandma can’t chaperone?

Another foreshadowing we didn’t see coming (hah), Rachel a.k.a. Smoker’s Lung is ready for Ben to resuscitate her. She goes in for the kill and walks out with the rose. Woo, that was too much! Time for another cigarette! Stepping outside… Kacie B. tries to rekindle the romance, and Ben knows he’s got this one in the bag. “I don’t have many words to console you…” so let me tongue do it! Nom nom nom!

From kissy-face to ugly-cry, Brittney makes her exit. After all the (non-existent) make-outs, it’s just too much! She had to walk away, but not without stealing Blakeley’s alone time. These girls are so sneaky! Rawr! Meanwhile, Ben is completely torn up. “Say hi to g-ma for me! Peace!” Ok, he didn’t say it exactly like that, but when he went back to take his obligatory moment of silence in front of the totem pole, you could tell that it wasn’t just the producers putting him up to it. Ok, time’s up! Let’s find someone else to mack on! Unce, unce, unce…

At this point, he already suffocated Rachel with his face; you can tell it in her raspy voice, so better give her the rose for being a good sport. Swear to god, the shot right after he gives it to her (the rose) is Monica crying next to Kacie B. Girl, I didn’t know you were that broken up about these chicks snogging Ben. You’ll get your chance… to make out with the ladies, too!

The next morning, Ben confirms how much he misses Brittney: “No biggie, I was on the fence about her. She looks like Jessica Simpson pre-ProActiv anyway! Now I can rendezvous with someone with clearer skinner and browner hair. Oops, I missed a spot shaving my sexy, smooth Bachelor face.” Again, I’m paraphrasing, like Ben.

Someone else who’s totally benefitting from this departure is Lindzi, who admits she loves sloppy second dates. If it were me, I’d be like, I better be wearing the Heart of the Ocean, not some stupid key to a building.

Again, we have another date from season’s past—Lindzi and Ben riding in a street car, much like Ashley and J.P. did during their visit. Lindzi and Ben are doomed! The date progresses to City Hall. Shit, if the other stalkers knew that they were getting married, there would be blood! But lo and behold, Matt Nathanson was there instead to cum all over their faces as he performed his latest single.  How romantical!

Part two takes place at a speak-easy where they sneak off to back room so Lindzi can show Ben what she really does with those pearls. Then that nasty (fake) text message rears its nasty font! “Hey babe, welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You!” Come on, Lindzi, you’re not Carrie Bradshaw! Move on… to Stalkertown. Population: Jennifer.

Errr, scratch that… add Shawntel to that census. “He’s gonna totally fall in love with me!” Someone’s a little overconfident. I love how she’s giving a mile-by-mile update to Chris Harrison: “Almost there/only 100 more miles/just saw a dingo/gotta get gas/got gas, had to stop for Pepto/wonder if Ben likes dead people?”

Back at the cocktail party, Stalker #1 is trying to convince Ben that she came there. For. A. Reason. Don’t ever doubt that, Ben! Or she’ll killlll you!! Muahahahahaha! Seriously though, she was all Gaga, no pokerface.

Moving from someone who’s quite soulful to someone who has no soul, Courtney obviously has a stick up her ass. Maybe it’s the fact that her ex, Jesse Metcalfe, got engaged yesterday and she feels the urge to beat him to the altar. Would explain her motives, huh? Honestly though, I was willing to give her a chance, but she’s more wicked than Vienna and not as funny as Michelle. Although Blakeley IS the kind of girl with whom your boyfriend would cheat on you.

One of my favorite parts of the night was when Emily diagnosed Courtney with some social disorder. At first I thought eating disorder, but now it makes sense—she has no friends, except maybe that waif-y blonde whose name we still don’t know. And Courtney having Ben’s babies? Only if it’s via surrogate because we all know this chick isn’t walking away from modeling anytime soon, not with the twirl of her hair and the pursing of her lips every time she’s on camera.

But all that pales to Shawntel’s entrance. As if these women didn’t know who she was. You’d swear all the lionesses thought a minx walked into their den, which isn’t to say that she didn’t. Hatchet Face immediately goes on the offensive, along with the rest of the women. The “B” word is flying as if they were all a part of the Bad Girls Club!

Everyone flocks to the patio to witness Shawntel’s feeble attempt to convince Ben she deserves a rose. Now maybe they did meet and have a flirtation at a Bachelor shindig, or maybe she made it all up in her head like most stalkers do. Ben admitted to “talking,” probably while he was 20 feet down a hole putting the lotion back into the basket.

Then again, I’m leaning toward he-liked-her-but-now-he’s-in-between-a-rock-and-a-hard-place because the other women will assuredly rip of his testicles and fry them up like Amber’s beef nuts, a.k.a. cow balls. I give Shawntel credit for braving those treacherous waters because if there was a man I had a connection with and I knew he might be getting married, I would take that chance. Look out, Jessica Biel! I’m taking sexy back!

I also like how these two   are quick to ascertain that they’re better than her . Nope, I don’t see it.

From one dramedy to the next, Ben wastes no time apologizing to choosing Courtney who thinks it’s silly he’d even consider “what’s-her-butt.” Hah, maybe what’s-her-face, what’s-her-eyes and what’s-her-butt can have a pity party pow-wow after the elimination. One by one they go until what’s-her-eyes faints, and it looks like they bottled everyone’s tears to hydrate her back into action.

And just when you think what’s-her-butt might still have a chance, Bachelor Ben pulls out the rug and sends all three what’s-their-names home. Aww, how sweet! Courtney told her goodbye in Japanese. Hey Courtney, eat a bag of dicks, maybe you’ll last longer!

Join me next week when I point out all the places I’ve been to in Park City, Utah… cuz that’s where their dates are! Adios!

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