(Pop) Culture Shock

It comes in waves

Once upon a time… in Bachelorville!

Posted by emzkbd on January 10, 2012

Well we all know who stole the show last night. No, not whimpering Jenna, but wizarding Jenna!! That beard was tight!! But what happened to her part in that play? Guess she went out with an Ala-kazaam because POOF! she disappeared.

As a side note, I checked out her blog http://theoveranalyst.net/, which is really just a half-ass attempt at looking cool chic. Hell! The site is still under construction. You’d think that if you went on a show where you’d receive heaps of criticism for your behavior, you’d prepare yourself for the fallout and put your best foot forward. Guess she’ll always be known as the girl in the 15 second teaser, bawling her eyes out, a.k.a. The Bachelor mascot.

If you recall, I made a post about the film Crazy Stupid Love, which actually resembles a movie review. Well, Jenna has one, too, or rather two paragraphs where she drools over Ryan Gosling, quotes a generic line from the film and claims it is a “great movie with some great meaning behind it.” That one, she’s deep… like Ryan Gosling’s baby blues.

On the feature presentation… Last evening’s cast will be played by none other than the following:

America’s sweetheart Sandra Bullock  as Kacie B. 

Girl next door Emma Stone  as Jennifer

Good ol’ Marcia Brady  as Lindzi C

That girl from Gossip Girl who went brunette for a movie role  as Jamie

Demi Moore with social anxiety  as Jenna

(My personal favorite) Hatchet Face from Cry Baby  as Jaclyn

Some famewhore who dated an actor  playing… herself?

Mr. Ed  as Blakeley

And…

 Hey! Haven’t I seen you on this show before?

Well, the producers wastes no time playing up this episode as a love story (don’t worry, next week shit hits the fan when someone we all thought was dead and buried rises from the crypt and tries to embalm entrance Ben with her fluids charms).

As our leading man, Ben plans to woo Kacie B. in his hometown of Sonoma. Reminds me of Ryan Gosling again, in The Notebook, where Noah and Allie walk down a deserted main street, but this time, the leading lady twirls a baton like it’s her job. Then they watch a naked boy Ben practicing his lunges on a picnic table, or as they call it “family videos.” Quite touching actually! Hope his little willy didn’t get a splinter. That’s would be hard to watch for a long length of time. The image still wants to penetrate my mind but I’ve ejaculated the thought from my memory so that it doesn’t come back, thrusting it’s way in.

Next scene…

The evil queen Courtney can be heard cackling in the castle. Evidently, she thinks she’s the fairest of them all and hopes to see Kacie B.’s heart cut out for her viewing pleasure. This witch is drunk with giddiness when the prince, who must be under some sort of spell, gives her a rose on their stroll through the seemingly enchanted forest.

Courtney seems so contrived. I can’t tell if she’s acting, like her ex-boyfriend (Jesse Metcalfe) does or if she truly believes she’s a damsel in the highest tower waiting for her prince to come. Pity, the wicked witch always plays a pivotal role in the quest for true love. Wonder who she feed a poisoned apple…

Meanwhile, all the fair (and not-so-fair) maidens gather in the town square to greet the handsome prince with wave-y locks of chocolate. He puts those doe-eyed ladies to the test in their very own theatrical debut where the wee-townsfolk hold their auditions and undoubtedly make these women appear comical or uninspired.

Most of them make bedroom barnyard noises. Nicki does a sexy dance, which for children is the “sprinkler.” Highly doubt that got Ben sprinkling! Then there was JuGGs a.k.a. Blakeley, who just wanted to show off those bOObs she paid for as a Hooter’s girl. Bet she’s been ridden as often as Lindzi’s horse. I guess they’ve got something else in common.

Blakeley looks like she squeezed into a 10 year-old’s overalls. Hey, I didn’t know there was a camel[toe] in this play! The little kids wet dream-makers even made her jog in slow motion. On one side, there was the female opinion: “I wasn’t a fan of her.” Aaaand then the pea-brain opinion: “She did good.” Wipe that drool off your pants, kid! Oh, that’s not drool?

Another thing I didn’t see coming was the sheering of the sheep! BAHHH! {That was my vagina calling!} So Ben stripped down, neglected to receive his smooch from the hippie and the valley girl (who later setup their own awkward threesome), and gave the honorary Oscar to the weasel! Well, who else? Bearded Jenna was off twitterpating somewhere, Blakeley was keeping her gumdrop buttons covered in her gingerbread costume, and Hatchet Face had to be the ugliest princess I’ve ever seen. GOO!

So after the townspeople elementary school parents of Sonoma cheered at the festivities, it was back to the castle so Ben could perform mouth-to-mouth on all the ladies. Was it just me or did these first kisses seem totally unromantic? “My name is Doctor Ben, and I’m here to check your tonsils. If you want a rose, you better put out because I’m not proposing to someone who wants to high five… unless it’s in the bedroom. Wink wink!” I felt like I paid a quarter to watch someone else kiss at a kissing booth.

And in our final act, all the ladies attend the grand ball, where hopefully they’ll be hand selected by the prince to continue on his journey as the 16th unmarried Bachelor. Unfortunately all the Cinderellas don’t get their time to shine because the evil stepsister Blakeley, who already received a rose, has her sight set on Ben. She’s the so-called “cock in the henhouse.” No wonder Monica backed off this week—Blakeley’s got a peen! Which contradicts my next thought when she goes to cower in the bedroom: “Boo hoo, my tampon string broke and nobody will help me get it out!” Hey, there are two sides to every story!

Eventually the clock strikes 2:00 AM and Ben awakens a tearful Jenna from her slumber, only to send her bony ass packing, along with Old Mother Hubbard. So kiddies, while the prince hasn’t yet chosen his princess, horse, evil queen, or any other character in the fairytale, we’re less than one week away from our next storytime—Mr. Ben’s Wild Ride in San Francisco.

 

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