(Pop) Culture Shock

It comes in waves

Are you ready for some BACON?

Posted by emzkbd on January 3, 2012

A new year so soon and with it another Bachelor to make us swoon! Bachelor Ben will try to prove if “This Year’s Love” will last. Great song!! Really sets the mood—the one where ABC tries to convince us that a Bachelor proposal will actually result in a wedding. Makes those other guys look like chumps, what with Jake’s theme “On the Wings of Love,” after which his engagement predictably crashed and burned, and Brad’s “Kiss from a Rose” serenade which was really more ominous than hopeful. But I like it! It makes me want to find a spray-tanned, shaggy-haired man who shamelessly self-promotes his business and canoodles with Jennifer Love Huge-tits while insisting it’s only a hurdle he had to overcome on his quest for love on the greatest show on earth. You know, a real down-to-earth guy!

Like Chris Harrison. Man, that guy never gets old. Literally, he hasn’t aged a day since this show started in 1962 when Brittney’s grandma was actually the same age as her fellow bachelorettes! I can’t help but think he’s the Mr. Rogers of this generation. Just give him some trendy cardies and a mailbox at the mansion gate and his tagline could be “Trista & Ryan, won’t you be our neighbors, so this show actually looks credible?” Alright, enough about men that poop rainbows, because is there really any other way to describe his acting, I mean hosting gig?!

If you know me, then you know I cheat on The Bachelor. Hell, I’d cheat on each one with the next one because they always make the current one look like a diamond in the rough. He’s just had his heart ripped out (unless you’re Brad womanizing Womack) and he’s looking for a bag of skanks ready to tickle his pickle. Come on, tell me you didn’t want to throw down in one of those rows of the vineyard with Bachelor Ben and squash your own grapes? Ben, I think your tractor’s sexy, and when he’s carrying that  lumber, it makes me wonder how much wood could this woodchuck f*ck if the wood were Ben’s.

What I really meant to say is that I already know who “wins,” but I’m pretty sure most of you aren’t ready to be spoiled (yet). So before you stop reading, know this—I plan on keeping my entries as unbiased as possible so that my opinions are as honest as they would have been had I not known the outcome.  However, I will say that after first impressions, I think Ben narrows it down pretty well, and I’m fairly certain that three of the final four would make great Bachelorettes. So let’s meet them all… again. Unless you haven’t watched this season’s premiere, then hop to it. You’ve got a hot mess of catching up to do!

Surprisingly, I read more guys’ posts about The Bachelor than girls’, and one summed it up quite nicely: “I like watching the first day of The Bachelor just like I like watching the auditions for American Idol…so I can laugh at everyone.” Personally, I hate how they only show the background on a few of the girls so as to highlight the frontrunners and expose the crazies. It’s an appetizer sampler of all the things Ben will have in his mouth throughout the season.

And speaking of things in your mouth, first out of the limo is Rachel, whose teeth look like they don’t fit in her mouth. Props on her dress—the only one in red I think. Very glamorous… had to have something catch his eye other than her crooked chompers. Who do you think you are? Jewel? Which reminds me, we didn’t have any singers (so we’ve seen), only one notorious gangsta and by notorious I mean white and female.

Next up: Erika, Esq., who supports the verdict “guilty of being sexy.” Right, and I’m guilty of changing the channel after that epic fail. Who am I kidding? It won’t be the last.

Following that natural disaster is the Baconator, who I’m sure has a name, but after last night’s episode, it makes no difference because she has the coolest moniker.  For once, I was truly disappointed to see her go. She did leave us with scrumptious morsel though: “You live and you learn. Next time a sash… a hat… and a grandma.”

Only one could be suitable to follow Canadian bacon and that’s our fitness trainer Elyse who could have fooled me because that dress made it looking like she was smuggling a six pack… OF BACON. Bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon… it’s BACON!!! Enough, I’ve just made my friend Krystal incredibly hungry.

A pause is in order for this next train wreck, I mean bachelorette—seemingly normal Jenna. But don’t be fooled, she is no Carrie Bradshaw folks. With her svelte figure and carefree locks, she appears to be upper Manhattan chic, but inside she’s just another girl with daddy issues. So we add to our every-growing list of spastic, stage four clingers following Michelle and Melissa (man I wish she were named Monica, it would have played so nicely). Meet Jenna! Emotionally disturbed? Her facial expressions sure make you think so. That or she’s passing some terrible kidney stones.  And then there was “maybe we could share a tampon sometime.” Hahahaha! I love my friends, but there ain’t no way that’ll happen, unless it’s soaked in alcohol first. But seriously, she’s just a girl who wants to find love, and some day she might tie him down, and by that I mean physically tie him to a chair whilst repeatedly asking: Why don’t you like me? What’s wrong with me? Why are you laughing at me?  Story of my life… uhhhh.

Moving on! Stepping out of the limo with all the swag of a kool cat, Courtney “I’m a model” Kardashian. Oh, no, she just looks like Kendall and Kylie’s spray-tanned sister. Chick sure is a smooth talker, and it’s quite evident from her “I’m better than them” comment that she’s going to be the most hated girl in the house. Miss Courtney don’t care, Miss Courtney don’t give a shit. She wants that two carat Neil Lane ring, and I bet she’ll put up quite a fight to get it. I think she’s a “very pretty girl” as Ben said, but her obsession with own hair (and Ben’s) irks me in a Marcia-Brady-combing-her-hair-one-hundred-times way. Stop touching your shiny locks and stop filling Ben’s mop head with frivolous thoughts; I swear I heard some baby talk in their conversation—no, your hair is nicer, noooo, your hair is…

Finally, a little comic relief! Emily’s cute introduction with the hand sanitizer was right on queue and it earned her the first kiss. Ballsy! That, and her gangsta self! Gotta hand it to her, she delivered it quite well! I think she could be a really contender, and then I saw a preview where she is “the rat,” telling Ben one of the other girls isn’t who she seems. And we all know how those turn out!

Not to be compared to a rat, Samantha is our pageant girl, well at least in costume. There are actually 7 girls with modeling or pageant ties. I have to say Samantha is actually quite refreshing but give it another week and I’m sure I’ll want her to get food poisoning and drop out of the competition.

Next we have Casey S.in what my friend Sheryl calls the Lady Gaga dress. She seems a bit stately. Maybe it’s the side swept hair.

Then we have Amber T. whose “Love at first sight” bit was sorta cute if it didn’t make her look like an amnesiac old-timer wandering the courtyard. In her preview, Amber was the one who hoped Ben would come to Nebraska and try beef nuts, a.k.a. cow balls. She claims they’re a little slimy, but I say, the only slimy thing to end up in Ben’s mouth will be __________.  (Fill in the blank)

Nothing like a 180 to bring us to Holly who asks Ben what are the two things Kentucky is known for. Since he probably never graduated college, Ben said Bourbon. The real answer though was beautiful women and fast horses but somehow I think it’s really beautiful horses and fast women with big hats. Am I right, Holly?

From the bleach blonde to the brunettes, Jamie is next. Ben’s loving the brunettes, but what he doesn’t know yet is that Jamie is this season’s Emily, with a less tear-jerking tale of heartache—she raised her sibling because her mom was dependent on something. Evidently not the Bachelor, like some of us.

Then we have Shira – the less attractive, anorexic Ashley Hebert look-alike. Sayonara!

But hello Blakeley! At least that’s what Monica will say. What kind of hipster name is that anyway? Did her parents time travel to the future and decide to smash up Blake Lively’s name? This season on Bachelor Gossip…

We have a grandma. Emily was right to call it a cheap shot. Brittney brings her g-ma to mansion, and it smelled like grandma up in there. Oh Baconator, you’re so clever! So Britt-dawg earned some points because how can you not give a rose to a grandma or in this case her granddaughter.  I love how Ben walked her to the limo and then she got all tearful like he had just dumped her. A harrowing moment of grief!

Next up is Nicki or the Melissa Rycroft look-alike. She’s the token divorcee who’s already planning her next wedding. Oh and look at that the Bachelor symmetry keeps unfolding—she’s a dental hygienist. What is this? Torment Ben with his feelings for Ashley to make the journey more rewarding when he gets down on his knee for a second time?

Yeah that’s right, keep laughing Dianna! Girl has the giggle fits when she gets out of the limo in her wedding dress. My sister thought she was high, but the camera didn’t get in close enough to tell if her eyes were bloodshot. Not the sharpest tool in the shed, this one, probably why went home. That or the candy she fed Ben from her “garbage sack.”

Now, here we have a Jennifer, a fake redhead, and we all know how much real redheads hate fake ones. So we’ll move on to someone more deserving of criticism…

Lyndsie J. Again with the creative names! I thought there was only two ways to spell that name but last night I learned it’s a never-ending road of possibilities. I must say her skit of jumping out of the closet made me wonder if she were entirely sane, what with all those split personalities. Then she admitted to being a goofy dork and read her poem, and I wanted to hide in the closet for her.

Thus far, I think it would be clear that I like to make comparisons. Everyone has a twin, and I’m the one who can figure it out. Anna looks like Shayne Lamas, winner on Matt Grant’s season.  Couldn’t tell if she was playing hard to get or if she was just nervous! Either way, it didn’t work for Ben.

And apparently neither will Monica, who did receive a rose but apparently digs the chicas a bit more. My favorite part was when she told us she had a confession and it wasn’t the obvious answer. Something about dogs, I think. Her and Blake Lively’s interlude was fascinating, and I’m sure that’s why most men tuned in. “I care about people I meet and the experiences I have/and you’re my experience/and if you’re all I get out of this then I have LIVED/you’re in my life forever.” Sounds like it could be a ballad, but really it’s sets us up for “Are they making out?” Almost makes me wonder if there were some things we didn’t see because Blake looked quite comfortable. Last bit on Monica, for now, is that she was my best dressed nominee. Hah, as if this were the Oscars red carpet! Runner up goes to Lindzi C. in black with her riding helmet and consolation prizes go to Nicki in yellow and the Baconator in her backless baconizing dress.

Only a few more! Next up is Jaclyn, or as I like to call her, Hatchet-face. Anyone seen Cry Baby with Johnny Depp? Anyone? And Ben tells her she looks gorgeous! But I guess they told Hatchet-face that too. She’s also the girl who grabs the first impression rose and pretends it’s hers. Hah, yeah right!

Then we have Shawn. No, not a dude! Although at this point it wouldn’t surprise me. She is the lone single mother this season, and it looks like she’s still nursing her 6 year old son. She’s reading him a bedtime story and tries to explain a “fast poke,” when really she would just be explaining how he was made. Burn!

And now my favorite contestant—Kacie B. Isn’t she so cute when she waves? And her grandparents were like a real life Romeo and Juliet, writing love letters during the war and then they died. So romantic! But for real, she’s my favorite!

Rounding out the twenty-five ladies (although they will throw one more past contestant in the mix in two weeks) is Lindzi C. who totally called the first impression rose. She reminds me of Heidi Klum, and she’s quite likely my second favorite. Poor girl got dumped by text, so she’s got my vote! Plus, she’s ready to get back in the saddle, and by this, I’m sure she intends to ride Ben off into the sunset. Although I’m not sure if I see her and Ben as a couple… but only time will tell. I mean, girl rode in on a horse, obviously she’s a bitch! Ready for the cat fights?

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One Response to “Are you ready for some BACON?”

  1. Kait said

    I love you lisa! You better not spill the beans!

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