(Pop) Culture Shock

It comes in waves

Hurricane Irene or Monsoon Melissa? You decide…

Posted by emzkbd on August 30, 2011

A not so monotonous Monday on the Bachelor Pad, where thousands of viewers awaited the fallout from Jake’s takeout. He opened his mouth, and then… nothing. Crickets could be counted in the courtyard. So Jake, did you rehearse those exit lines with your agent, who presumably negotiated the number of shows in which you would appear? I expected some hand chopping, or at least one “Stop interrupting me!” while he delivered a severe tongue lashing toward Kasey and Vienna. I can only imagine these two rolling their eyes at Jake’s disingenuous attempt to make amends… for the fiftieth time this season.

On to the main event: the second annual AIDS Awareness convention… I mean, kissing contest! YAY!!  Vienna: “I
think it’s disgusting.” Well you would because you’re used to kissing girls, aren’t you, you dirty whore?!

There are mixed emotions running through the group. Obviously nobody wants to kiss any one in a dynamic duo for fear that someone will get a beat down. Really, guys? This is a contest, not a schoolyard stakeout to steal your crush. Michelle even decides to pull out of the competition for the sake of her daughter. Well, in that case, she should have thought about the pull out
method a long time ago.

Meanwhile, Blake is standing there like he’s hiding a raging boner because he gets to show everyone his mack daddy skills. He had that creepy “I’m gonna do your mom” look on his face the whole time. And I guess he was right, because he sure brought the heat to momma Ella’s luscious lips… or was that Kirk. I get the two confused physically. Emotionally, I have no trouble identifying
a sleaze-ball!

On the flipside, or the lock-lip-side as I call it, Ella sure went to town. She must’ve taken some tips from Dr. Blake on how to drill deep… almost found their stomachs I think. With all that face sucking, I can only imagine how her blow jobs turn out! As an aside, I enjoyed the end clip, sans The Mask, where the girls were all trying to see if Ella’s kiss was worth the rose. Maybe if Ella kissed a girl, she’d like it. My favorite part, though, was Kasey’s bad breath… undoubtedly due to munching on Vienna’s musky rug.

Needless to say, it’s no surprise that Blake and Ella win this one. Both went in for the kill… unlike William, who increasingly reminds me of a teenage boy who’s never been laid. Maybe that’s his problem… he’s the Jason Biggs of this generation. Remember when he was cute and obnoxious… prior to the Ashley roast? Oh man, he’s never gonna live that down. Maybe he should hump a pie and move on with his life.

When things settle down, drama can sail back in. Forget Hurricane Irene! Monsoon Melissa is bringing the wind and rain! At this point, I’m completely sold on the “Blake leading Melissa on” storyline. She claims they’re always making out, and she seems pretty set on their alliance. Blake also throws her a sexy, suave “How you doin?” every so often to keep her in check. Personally, I think there’s a new snake in town, and it’s hanging out between Blake’s legs.

But before Mount St. Helen’s can blow her top (oh Blake, you’re so clever, I’m surprised you’re not a literary genius), we must be bored to death. Ella picks Kirk for the romantic one-on-one date… where I believe Ashley and JP connected post-Bentley. As my sister said it, Kirk and Ella—two people that should win, but they’re not going to… dun dun dun! I mean come on, did you not
watch season one? The ones who whore it up the most always win… so long as they’re compatible. Just kidding! I don’t know who wins yet, but I should find out in the next week.

Cut to things that are more exciting—like Erika making a move on Blake. If this one didn’t look so much like a hippopotamus, I’d swear she was a vulture! Who’s it gonna be next week? Oh, that’s odd, she plans to seduce Blake. Won’t happen though because he’s too smitten with Holly.  And did I hear her say she’s in law school? Wait, I’ve seen this one before. Legally Blonde, right?

It seems like everyone wants that rose from Blake, except Vienna who somehow made it out of this week’s storyline (thankgod), or Ella who already made out with Blake’s twin brother Kirk, or Michelle who is probably waiting for him to die, or Holly who, let’s face it, doesn’t know what she wants. When he picks her, it’s no shock to us, the viewers, but Melissa has a bout of Tourette’s
and calls his ass out. Then she grabs her BFF Michelle and runs away from the playground to whine about why boys are such a pain. But Michelle, god love her, she hasn’t completely lost her touch from Womack’s season. When your BFF can’t
even keep it together on national TV, you know there’s something there. “She wears her emotions on her hair tie… and her panties.” PANTIES, Krystal, PANTIES… they DO exist!

Melissa’s temper-tantrum brings me back to fifth grade… “BUT HE PINKY SWORE!!” What a prick! How dare he break a pinky promise! I swore Melissa was gonna miraculously churn that yogurt into butter. If they gave Emmy’s for a
reality TV performance or editing of a character, as those of us who know better like to call it, then Melissa would win, hands down. The cameramen men were following her like a mad game of Halo. This chick should have been looking for
Bin Laden. God knows she would have found him first! Lo and behold though she does find Blake; his 40 seconds of toothbrush time were superb. I just wished they’d shown what happened. Did he spit or swallow?

Onward to the Blake and Holly flirt fest, first in the limo, then the private plane, then a secluded mountain top, and finally a cozy cabin in the woods. Blake the Snake makes Mike’s heart ache. {Insert sad face} I swear that’s what Michael said. Hard to watch though, knowing that he was probably sitting at home watching tonight’s episode, crying like a woman mid-menstruation. On the upside, he got to see Holly eat shit, even if she did it with such grace! Me? I look like a drunken polar bear rolling down a hill.

By the end of this date, I thought I was watching True Blood—Eric making the moves on Sooki, while Bill pines for his mortal love in his mansion…
shirtless, in front of a majestic fireplace of course. But sexy time is interrupted by Melissa, voice of reason: “Mike, are you devastated because I’m devastated? We two should devastate them when they get back.”

Well Michael decided to take a different approach. Total rom-com moment where he’s frantically rushing to meet her when she gets back and then confess his undying love for her. Dude, if a guy pours his heart out like that to me, I would likely be putty in his hand. Instead, Holly pretty much brushes him off, gives him the ol’ heave ho.

It’s funny because Michael and Holly seem like they would be the idyllic couple, and everyone is rooting for them, including the hopeless romantic inside of me. But that’s what it is… hopeless! There is so much baggage there that it deserves a one way ticket to shitsville, never to revisit again. Better if both go their separate ways so that Michael can find a nice wholesome girl… just a sec, I need to call my boyfriend and inform him of the bad news.

Elimination time! Everyone is scurrying, but none as fast as Melissa. Sorry Kasey, but you need the money for your Grandma to live?! Is she on life support? Didn’t think so! She’s going to die someday… just everybody else. At least Michelle, who lost her father to cancer, plans to donate to research.

In another bowl of fruit loops, Michael pulls a Womack, bringing the picnic to Emily, I mean Holly. Aww how cute… but it’s been done.

AAAAAAnd she’s still scramblin’. Not seen anyone move this fast to save themselves… even on Survivor! I love Michael’s brutal honesty: you’re safe, and you’re safe, but poor Melissa, she’s a goner. And so she is, along with boy William, who never stood a chance. And did Michelle and William have a secret love affair? She gets all weepy, calling him “salt of the earth”… more
like salt of his tears. What? No mention of crawling into that dark hole and drawing the shades again.

On the other hand, I think Melissa could definitely use a dark hole to hide those bags that are forming under her eyes. Her ugly cry made me cringe, and then her cold shoulder made me giggle. She’s hurt her own image going on this show, acting all 30 going on 13. I enjoy people like Michelle who put a satiric spin on everything, even if they’re a little hated in the process, but I can’t stand the shit show that comes with girls like Melissa. If you know me, you know that’s how I roll, like Michelle. So next time a crazy bitch tries to steal your man, don’t whine and cry about it, show up with a black eye (no one needs to know it was self-inflicted) and say you handled her {insert elbow smack}.

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